As always thank you all so much for the reviews, follows and favorites! It means so much.
With this chapter things start to take a more personal turn for Olivia and Barba, which I promise will continue on in following chapters.
Olivia was left reeling from the phone call just minutes ago as she walked into the hotel, her mind elsewhere as she made her way into the elevator. With her back she leaned against the wall, her arms at her sides, Barba's words hitting the replay button in her head.
I owe it to you. To us.
If I had known at the time.
Had she been strong enough to talk to him about their past, she would've listened to him. But she wasn't. Anything reminding her of their relationship caused pain and sorrow. They had ended so abruptly, in a way she never saw coming. And with him had faded all the possibilities for them as a couple. Their future had been torn away and cast aside, as if their relationship had meant nothing.
There had never been a true moment where she'd considered seeing him again. There had been no time to process the loss of a relationship that had become her entire world. And even now, she felt as if she was living a dream.
As Olivia walked through the hotel corridor, she slowed her steps when she noticed someone in front of her room, snapping from her thoughts. It took several moments for her to realize it was Lucia Barba standing in front of her door.
Quickly, she pulled both hands from her pockets, taking out her phone to check her time. She was still in time for her flight, but with the unexpected visitor she'd been thrown for a loop. Having no idea what it meant or what possibly possessed her to be at her hotel, or even how she knew.
It seemed to be a day of surprises and complete disbelief. Her past had been brought back twofold, and now with Barba's mother turning up to face her, she found herself to be completely lost. Lost in her own emotions, especially her confusion.
She came to a stop in front of the older woman, trying with difficulty to keep her curiosity and questions in check. ''Mrs. Barba?'' she asked politely.
Lucia took a moment to look at Olivia, noticing she had aged incredibly well. Nine years hadn't erased the beauty, she knew her son had fallen for ten years ago. ''Please, it's Lucia to you.'' she corrected immediately, smiling back at Olivia. ''I'm sorry to come here like this. So unexpected. It didn't intend to.''
Olivia stepped to the side, pulling out her keycard and opening the door. ''Please, come inside.'' she said politely, following Lucia inside.
She switched on the lights, and then rushed to the bed to push aside her bag and clothes which laid there to be packed. ''Make yourself comfortable.'' she added nervously.
Both women remained silent as Lucia sat down in the chair in the corner while Olivia sat down on the edge of the bed. The silence added to the awkwardness of the situation, and caused Olivia to shift uncomfortably.
''It's nice to see you again, Olivia.'' Lucia said, breaking the unbearable silence. She had seen the signs of Olivia's nerves, which she understood. Her visit was likely to be perceived as quite a shock. ''How have you been all these years?''
Olivia nearly jumped at the question, needing to keep the conversation going. ''I've been good. Work has kept me incredibly busy, but I'm happy with where I am.'' she told her openly. ''Life has certainly changed compared to nine years ago, but it's been really good despite…'' she wandered off, stopping before she crossed into more personal subjects. ''I've been good.'' she repeated. ''How are you?''
''I'm good, too.'' Lucia replied, taking a breath before bringing up the reasons for her visit. ''Olivia, I'm going to be honest with you. I know this visit is a shock and I don't want to interfere in your life or my son's life. That's not my intention.''
A shaky breath passed Olivia's lips at the mention of Barba. ''You spoke to Rafael?''
Lucia nodded in response, watching as the desperation in her eyes was replaced by hurt and sadness. ''I did.'' she replied candidly. ''My son is private and incredibly stubborn. For years now, I've watched him only focused on his job. He's been struggling to keep relationships, and I think he hasn't been the same since you left.''
Olivia felt the emotion resonating from Lucia, causing a lump to form in her throat. She hated that a mother had to see her own son struggle. ''I don't know what he told you, but I didn't decide to leave the relationship.''
''I know.'' Lucia reassured. ''He told me what he did and it disappointed me. I'm so sorry for how he ended things with you. It's not right, and he knows that.'' she went on. ''After I met you, I realized you were the best thing to ever happen to him. He was different when he was with you, and I think that was because of you. You changed him, made him better than he already was.''
''He changed me too.'' Olivia whispered, her voice filled with raw emotion which was breaking her walls down piece by piece.
It was true. When they had been together, they changed one another. He had been the toughness to her vulnerability, and she the compassion to his harshness. They were two very different people, yet two opposite beings were able to hinge together, leading to a transcended relationship.
''After Yelina broke his heart to be with Alex, Rafael swore off women until you came into his life. You did truly change not only him, but also his belief that love existed.'' Lucia said, seeing the faintest spark in Olivia's eyes. ''I don't want to give some speech about how you changed my son. I'm not here to tell you what to do, Olivia. You have your own life, and I would never want to disrupt it, but I came here to tell you what my son won't tell you because he believes he'll only hurt you more.'' Lucia continued on. ''He knows he made biggest mistake in letting you go, and now he's finally being confronted with it because you're back in town. Seeing you is the wake-up call he needed.'' she went on. ''Rafael loves you, Olivia. He never stopped loving you.''
It almost felt like she forgot how to breathe as she listened to each words coming from Barba's mother. The more was said, the heavier the world seemed to weigh on her shoulders.
Olivia took another deep breath, thinking carefully of how to respond since her emotions were running high. ''I loved your son, Mrs. Barba. Lucia, sorry.'' she apologized. ''But his regret, and his feelings, that's something I need to hear from him.'' she explained clearly. ''Right now, I am unable to say where I stand because too much time has passed. Not to mention that my job requires me to remain objective.'' she went on. ''I can honestly say that I don't see Rafael and I having a second chance. Too much has happened, and the thought of talking to him and facing the past, it just pains me too much.''
Lucia realized that Olivia couldn't say the words, couldn't admit it. It was clear from the pain written across her face. ''He broke your heart.'' she whispered, seeing her flinch at the words.
The need to flee and escape became even greater, her eyes shifting to the clock on the nightstand. She immediately rose to her feet, knowing she only had little time left to catch her flight and get back to DC. And the need to escape New York had become unbearable. She either had to let out all of her emotions or finally get some much needed space.
''I'm sorry, but I have to gather my belongings because my plane is leaving soon.'' she announced. ''I'm glad that you decided to come by, Lucia. But for the moment I think that Rafael and I both need space to let everything sink in.''
''Of course. I just wanted you to know how my son still feels about you.'' Lucia said. ''Good luck with your case. I hope you to see you again.''
''Thank you.'' Olivia whispered, watching as Lucia made her way towards the door.
At the last moment she spun around to face Olivia, needing her to know one last thing. ''The kind of love you had with my son will never be forgotten because it was a once in a lifetime love. Maybe it deserves a second chance no matter how much pain is involved.''
Olivia remained standing still as Lucia left the room, trying to process the words. There had been a truth to all her words, yet she still struggled. Confused and consumed in questions, and the pain coming with those.
Moving forward would hurt no matter what choice she made. Facing mistakes made in the past would be a hurdle, but attempting to move forward in DC would be equally difficult. There was no right choice, no one way to deal with it properly.
She knew only one thing. That she had a job to do, and it was the one thing she could focus on. Doing her job meant being in DC, so instead of contemplating her choices much longer, she moved to the bed and began packing her bag to leave for the airfield.
An hour later, Olivia was seated on the back of the private plane, ready for take off and leave New York, and to not look back. She had made a conscious choice to leave and try and move forward with her life. Despite all the hurt, she had built a solid life away from New York. One with friends she considered family, the people she could always count on.
And as she stared out onto the runway, aware of the choice she made, a rush of pain went through her. At the exact same time, her attention was drawn to the sound of her phone. She turned it around, the notification of a text message from Porter filling her screen.
Immediately, she got onto her feet and rushed towards the cockpit, opening the door without invitation. ''We can't leave!'' she announced. ''I have to get back.''
The next moments seemed to blur her surroundings. From leaving the plane to getting behind the wheel of the SUV, it all seemed to be lost on her. Her only focus was on the road as she raced through New York traffic to get to the station.
The 911 message from Porter and the order to get back to the station suggested something bad had transpired. He had after all been the one to suggest she leave the city, only to keep her to stay now. So she dialed his number for the second time, to be met with the sound of silence again. On the third dial, the call was immediately answered.
''Dean, I'm ten minutes from the station.'' Olivia told him immediately. ''What happened?''
She heard a deep sigh, followed by silence. ''Lloyd Anderson was killed, Olivia. It seems that a hit was taken out on his life. Three NPYD officers and two FBI Agents were killed as well.'' he explained. ''I've been on the phone with the Deputy Director to explain how this happened, but I don't even know that myself yet. I need someone here I can trust.''
''I'm almost there. I'll see you in a few minutes.''
When she finally reached the station, her feet carried her quicker than ever before, the anger ever so present on her face as she stormed into the squad room. The room was in a frenzy, officers and detectives crowding the now seemingly small space. But her eyes immediately went into the direction of Cragen's office where she saw Porter in conversation with Barba and Cragen, two other detectives there as well but looking silent.
She approached the office and hurried inside, closing the door behind her. For a small moment, she made eye contact with Barba, but quickly turned to face everyone.
''How did this happen?'' she asked, her voice near anger. ''How can six people be killed during a transfer of a suspect?''
Porter was about to respond when Cragen beat him to it. ''The scene has been taped off, and techs are pulling surveillance images.''
''It may have been a sniper.'' Porter interjected.
''May have been?'' she repeated angrily. ''We've been waiting for a lead for nearly four years and now Anderson along with five other people are dead!'' she reminded him. ''NYPD was supposed to keep this transfer under wraps. What happened to that?''
All eyes were on her, but the only ones she stared back at were Porter's. The expression on his was one of understanding, knowing that the case meant to her. ''Agent Benson, walk away now!'' Porter ordered.
Barba observed the interaction between Olivia and Porter closely, noticing there seemed to be an underlying meaning in his order. And as he watched Olivia walk out of the room, he turned to Porter questioningly. ''What was that?''
''It's personal for her.'' Porter stated, not giving any further information as to the details of how personal it truly was.
Those words were all it took for Barba to move into the direction of the exit, but Porter stepped in front of him once again. It seemed the agent was set on keeping him from Olivia for whatever reason. ''Get out of my way.''
Porter continued to stand in front of him. ''You shouldn't. Give her some space.''
''I'll decide that on my own.'' Barba shot back as he walked around him, ignoring the request.
He left the room, his eyes wandering around the squad room to find a trace of Olivia. As he continued walking straight ahead, he suddenly caught a glimpse of her disappearing into one of the file rooms at the end of the hallway.
He moved into the direction, coming to a halt in front of the door, hesitation coursing through him. She had been clear that she couldn't handle being near him, that it hurt her too much. But he found himself wanting to understand her circumstances. He was concerned and felt a desperate need to make sure she was alright.
He finally opened the door, stepping inside and closing it shut behind him. As he took in Olivia, standing in the middle of the room, he leaned back against the door.
He gazed at her, catching her eyes, and feeling his heart skipping a beat. ''Olivia.'' he whispered softly, her eyes shifting away from him. ''Liv, look at me, please. Talk to me.''
The silence remained as Olivia finally dared to look back at him with tears stinging in her eyes. She stood before him, stripped of her armor, her vulnerability showing through her eyes. She could no longer deny him, and the feelings she had always carried with her. But no words could explain what she felt, how desperately she wanted to run and never look back.
''I know you.'' he breathed. ''I know something about this case has you struggling. I'm here, so please talk to me.''
One hand came to rest below her chest, the other remaining at her side. ''There's not much to say.'' she said, her voice trembling as she struggled to remain still in front of him. ''When I worked for Dean, we lost two agents to uncover leads to arrest Anderson's boss.'' she began to explain. ''At the time Anderson was a fixer and enforcer for his illegal dealings, which included trafficking in anything ranging from weapons, and drugs to human trafficking.''
Barba moved away from the door, closing the distance between them. ''It makes sense why you wanted him in custody so badly. But how is this case so personal? Did something happen to you?'' he asked, taking note of the hand resting beneath her torso.
She nodded, moving her hands and clenching them together tightly in front of her, until she released them. ''Our agents spent months establishing their covers as weapons distributors to gain contact, but the day they were supposed to meet the operation went wrong.'' she said, recounting the details of a few years earlier. ''I was there when it happened.'' she mumbled, struggling to continue on with the story. ''Somehow they knew we were FBI, and we were moved to a different location to be tortured for information.''
He watched her struggle before him, and he took a step forward. He reached out to her, his hand lightly grazing her cheek. The gesture was short-lived, yet the touch set his skin on fire, reminding him of the passion and electricity they once shared.
''I'm the only one who survived.'' she whispered, the tears finally rolling down her cheeks as she felt his hand come up to cup her cheek once more.
This time, she leaned in against the touch, her hands coming up to grasp his to keep his hand in place. It was a moment of comfort to know he listened to her, that he was there with her.
He heard her take a deep breath to steady her breathing. He found himself unable to express anything in that moment. He didn't want to question her on the horrors he knew she must've faced. ''I'm so sorry, Liv.'' he said gently. ''I wished I'd been there for you.''
She shook her head at his last words, releasing his hand. ''Believe me, that was a time you didn't want to witness.'' she responded. ''I spent weeks in the hospital, and returning to work became unbearable so I transferred to Crimes Against Children's Unit to get away from the daily reminders. People would just stare at me or pity me, and I couldn't take it.'' she said.
''I would've wanted to be there no matter what.'' he stated firmly. ''You're strong. You're here, standing before me despite all you've been through. That alone is a sign of your strength, Liv. Never let anyone tell you different.''
''Thank you for listening, and for understanding.''
''Always.'' he said, noticing the shift in her demeanor. She had become slightly more relaxed in his presence. He made more steps to close the distance between them, but with the distance evaporating, Olivia took a step back.
''We both know this isn't a good idea.'' she warned. ''Us in a small room never led to anything but mistakes.''
''Really?'' he asked as he took another step forward. ''I seem to remember you quite enjoyed those times together.''
A blush spread across her cheeks, sending a jolt of memories through her. It was clear their conversation had taken a different turn, one she hoped to avoid, but his presence made it impossible.
''I know you don't want to talk about it, or even want to hear it, but I made a mistake, Olivia. I made the worst mistake of my life when I walked away from us.'' he went on. ''I know this is not the time or place, but if you agree I want to talk to you about everything.''
''Rafael…'' she whispered.
''Just think about it.'' he suggested.