December 23rd, 2002 (part 2)
"He is right."
I paused. I was putting leftovers from Toby's birthday dinner into the fridge. His dad was sitting on the couch by the phone. He looked deflated, like his jacket had grown two sizes too big, or he had gotten smaller.
I had no idea what to say. "What do you mean?" I ventured.
"Toby is right. I have made a mess of all of tonight. And I have not been a good father to him."
I bit my lip. I liked Julie, but I didn't feel like comforting him right now. I had to deal with ignorant, bigoted parents all the time at work. It was a constant pity party that all came back to them: what did I do to make my kid gay? why doesn't my kid know I'm trying my best? don't they know how hard it is on me?
I had to say something. "Yeah I don't think any of us were expecting it to turn out that way."
"I just wanted to come here and make things right between us," Julie wiped his glasses on his shirt and pinched the bridge of his nose. His voice was getting caught in his throat and his eyes were glistening.
Oh boy, I thought. The waterworks are gonna start if I don't do something.
With a deep breath, I slipped into my caretaker mode and sat down next to him on the couch. "Do you have a picture of him?"
Julie fished out his wallet and pulled out a few pictures of Toby. "This one, he was just two weeks old. That's his mother there." He flipped to the next one. "This is all five of them in front of our house." He flipped to the last one, which was in colour. "And this is from when he graduated from college. His mother sent this one to me, while I was in prison." Toby looked so young in the picture, like an awkward teen trying to be taken seriously.
"They're lovely," I said, holding the pictures and flipping through them slowly. "You must think about him a lot."
Julie nodded, "Ever since he was young, he always has been a puzzle for me. Such a deep, hard thinker. I was not sure if we had a connection, if he even liked me or thought well of me, until it was taken away. I have made mistakes, but the most painful was losing the trust of my family."
I patted Jules on the arm. "It sounds like you have a lot to talk to him about."
He shook his head, "I don't think he will want to talk to me. Not tonight."
"I think you need to. Tonight. As soon as he gets back."
"But I-I will say the wrong things again. I did not even think I said the wrong words before, but I still upset him."
"Julie," I placed my hand on his shoulder and waited til he looked me in the eye. "You are going to say lots of wrong things. You're gonna upset him many times over. But you can get better, and more informed. Just talk to him, listen to him. You need to, if you want to be a good dad."
He nodded.
"I know it means a lot to Toby that you're here. I think he wants you—he's wanted you back in his life for a while now. He ... thinks about you a lot too."
Julie nodded. "You're right, I need to see him, I should be out there looking—" He got up suddenly and went to get his coat.
"Whoa! Hold on, why don't I just call him? Instead of you wandering around DC all night?"
Jules laughed and agreed with me. I picked up the home phone and called Toby's cell.
I heard a ring from the other side of the room. I groaned, "He left his phone, of course."
I sighed and grabbed my own coat and keys. "Alright. I think I might know where he is."
"Toby?" Julie sat down next to his son on the stoop.
"How did you find me?"
"Zeke said that you would not have gone far, and that you come here often."
Toby snickered. He hadn't even left the apartment property. There was a small alley with long, wide stairs that were good for sitting without being disturbed. There was also a dumpster that was useful for throwing rocks at.
"Toby, I lied to you."
"Yeah, that hasn't changed."
"I lied when I said I had only known about you being gay from tonight," Julie cleared his throat and continued, "I think a part of me knew for a long time. From when you were just a boy."
"I remember." Toby chucked a rock at the dumpster, letting the crash ring out for a few seconds before continuing, "When I was five, you yelled at me for pretending to marry Billy Jones."
"Yes, and there were other times I thought you might...What I am trying to say is, I did it because I was afraid. And I didn't understand. But I can change. I have changed."
"I don't know," Toby chucked another rock. "I'm not sure that it's that easy. It doesn't erase all of the evidence I've got to prove this won't work and isn't worth it."
"No, it won't be easy. Give me the chance to prove that it could work."
Toby sighed, a long heavy breath that fogged up the cold air. "You know, I had been thinking about how I would tell you for months. Ever since I told Janet. I had this whole speech planned... I know it's juvenile, but I wanted to set the scene for coming out to you. I wanted to tell you, in my way."
Julie put his hand on his son's shoulder, "You still have lots to tell me."