A/N: Again, more apologies for the severely long wait, IRL has been keeping me really busy. Unfortunately, this is once more a shorter chapter than usual. That said, it's worth the wait, I assure you. This chapter was definitely a struggle to write since it's one of the milestones of the story. I hope you can all forgive me for the severely long wait for it. I promise that things are worth it in the end and I hope everyone enjoys the turn of events this chapter begins!
Enjoy my sweethearts. Things are falling in place and be aware that the last scene takes place from Elsa's point of view.
Warning: Depictions of an anxiety attack.
"Hey."
An odd copper tang was settling on her tongue, making her stomach churn. Blood? That was blood, right? The metallic scent wafted into her nostrils over the smell of rain water and rust.
"Hey. It's gonna be okay."
Her fingers sunk in, searching through the dark.
"Hey, don't cry."
A ringing drowned out the rain. She could barely hear anything above the harsh breathing and the pain rocketing her spine.
"Hey—"
Her vision blurred. The darkness became an indiscernible shape.
"—don't cry."
How long were they going to be stuck in here?
"Don't cry."
"Don't cry Anna."
The very vague sense of vertigo jolted her from her slumber. Her eyes snapped open and for a few moments the all consuming darkness sent a cold tremor of alarm and terror through her. A chill ran down her spine and she doubted it was because of the frigid night air. Her eyes darted about, looking for some semblance of light. The world was blurry and weightless for a few, heart-stopping moments. Her head spun, a lingering thudding rocketing it back and forth as she breathed, eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness around her.
The alarm clock on their nightstand halted her racing nerves.
What time is it?
Anna tilted her head, fighting back a wave of nausea that threatened to wash over her. She blinked at the glowing numbers on the clock, willing the bright digits to come into focus. After several more tense moments, her vision settled and she saw it was one in the morning. It had been a few hours since she had returned home, but it felt like an eternity.
Her chest tightened as she sat up, shoulders hunching up to her ears as she recalled the silent ride and walk back to her dorm complex. Elsa had barely spared her a glance, let alone said a goodbye. She had remained as steadfastly tight-lipped and curt as she had been during the drive home. A growing ache and nervousness had settled over Anna until she had slipped into her dorm and promptly curled up in bed—ignoring her cousin's growing words of confusion. She hadn't even had the energy to take off her clothes or eat. She had just pulled off her shoes and draped the covers over her head, without a single word.
Rapunzel had stared at her for a long moment before mercifully leaving her alone.
Now, her cousin laid in her bed and Anna listened to the sounds of her breathing as she stared at the floor—limp, motionless, and drained. She had hoped to kiss Elsa goodnight, but the fantasy had been wiped from her mind after their tense conversation. Elsa had been continuously stiff. It made Anna's stomach churn to see her girlfriend act—
Act—
Cold.
Anna dug her tooth into her lip harder, hands squeezing the edge of her bed until her knuckles turned white. Of course she had heard rumors about Elsa after she'd gotten to know the blonde woman a bit more. It had been during the year when she and the older woman were just beginning to actually speak and acknowledge each other outside of class. She knew some of their present and former classmates had deemed Elsa something of an Ice Queen because of her casual distance from others. Something Anna had always found absurd and judgemental.
So what if someone doesn't like hanging around others for so long? Or hanging around other people in general.
Anna's nails scratched the wood of her bed frame. Her jaw tightened and the twisting feeling in her stomach increased.
She really was different tonight...
Anna replayed the events in her mind, trying to pinpoint a moment in time that indicated Elsa's change in behavior.
She inhaled sharply and an ache stirred in her chest.
What upset her so much that she acted like that?
Anna bit her lip, digging her tooth in deep enough that she felt a pinprick of pain burst from her bottom lip. The sting however, was a calming distraction from the thoughts rolling and colliding in the back of her mind.
Maybe it really was something I did...but—no! Don't think like that. It was probably something else that upset her. She looked stressed out before I even said anything. It probably wasn't me.
She exhaled slowly, a quiver running down her spine.
Right?
Elsa had never been anything but completely kind and gentle. She shook her head, blinking back the wetness pricking her eyes. Anna ran a hand through her hair, unconsciously fingering the white streak on her temple. Her fingertips trembled and she sniffed.
Even before we started dating and were just barely talking, she was still so kind.
The ache in her chest deepened.
Elsa...
Her legs burned with effort as she ran through the dense, pouring rain. Everything everywhere was soaked. She could hear fat droplets splattering upon the hood of cars, onto the pavement, against window panes, and on top of her umbrella. It made her already racing nerves even more frantic.
The heavy, gray atmosphere usually meant she was either rushing through the rain or hiding inside a building until it let up.
Unfortunately for her, she was currently doing the first.
Anna huffed, blinking rapidly and inwardly cheering when she saw the English building coming up in sight. Oh, thank goodness! Maybe I actually won't be late this time around! Her alarm clock hadn't gone off and her cell phone—much to her dismay and forgetfulness—had been uncharged. Rapunzel, ever the early riser, had already left for her life drawing class. Anna had been left snoring in her bed, almost sleeping the morning away until Pascal had licked the inside of her ear.
In all honesty, she wasn't even running that late this morning. Pascal had woken her up forty-five minutes prior to her first class. She still had around fifteen minutes until it started and she was already approaching the building, only several yards away now.
But harsh rain had always left her with a sense of urgency that she could never figure out.
And so here she was, scrambling up the steps to her class, grabbing the handrail desperately in a frantic attempt to not slip. Her sneakers were soaked and each step almost had her face meeting with the concrete. The hallway that led to her classroom finally came into view.
Finally!
Anna huffed, gripping the handrail tightly with cold fingers. She stopped for a moment, chest heaving and lungs fighting for oxygen. Even with the cold, gray rain roaring around her, she could still tell she was sweating underneath her clothes. The redhead took another large breath before straightening and shakily closing her umbrella. She glanced at her watch, grimacing when she noticed how damp her long-sleeved gray shirt was.
"Great," she muttered as she rolled up the cloth and squinted at the numbers. "Like ten minutes. Perfect!"
Grinning breathlessly, Anna whirled around, tucking her umbrella under her arm. Her hand reached for the double glass doors that led into the building, the adrenaline in her veins finally dying down.
Only for her pulse to shoot up again when she saw a familiar head of blonde hair waiting just outside the classroom.
Elsa was seated next to their classroom on one of the hallway benches, fingers delicately running over the letters in her textbook. This time she had an umbrella laying next to her. But Anna's eyes skimped over it, landing instead on the blonde's elegant features. Her hair was pulled down into a plait, bangs framing the sides of her face. She'd forgone her usual red lipstick, instead settling on a light pink tone. The tip of her tongue was poking out, blue eyes narrowed in concentration as she read.
Anna felt every bone in her body shake.
She spluttered, the tips of her ears turning bright red as her heart fought between freezing in place or running a mile a minute. Wow! Wait, what? What's she doing here?! Anna nearly kicked herself a second later when she remembered that she and Elsa shared the same class. Oh right, you idiot. How could you forget?!
How could she forget? Especially with what had occurred earlier last week. The polite blonde had returned her umbrella and Anna hadn't been able to get Elsa out of her mind since then. Each time she had spotted her pink umbrella out of the corner of her eye in her dorm while studying or eating—even going to bed once—she had recalled the way their fingers brushed.
It was confusing.
Everything about the entire situation was confusing. She had chalked it up to simply thinking that Elsa was an attractive woman. And she was. Anna wasn't oblivious to that. The older woman was a vision. Slender in figure and dignified in stature—back straight, shoulders up, and face forward whenever the redhead caught a glimpse of her walking. Hands that folded over either attentively when she was listening in class or delicately when she was sitting outside.
Except for that one time, her brain reminded her.
But blonde hair so light, Anna wanted to see what Elsa looked like in summer. And blue eyes so bright, she found it hard to meet their piercing gaze.
Well, she is a bit pale though. But her skin reminds me of snow.
And Anna had always loved snow.
She swallowed, a lump in her throat bobbing up and down. Her heartbeat pounded in her ears and she was faintly surprised that no one had come up behind her to push her out of the way given that she had been standing in front of the entrance to the hallway for a few minutes now. The pouring rain and chill helped her refocus. Anna inhaled shakily and brushed a red lock of hair behind her ear. Her fingertips shook as she opened the double doors, cringing when the glass creaked noisily. Her stomach was twisting and turning, knees trembling as she slid inside. The hair on the back of her neck rose when she saw Elsa's head tip up.
Her heart nearly burst when she noticed those full lips curl up into the barest of smiles.
Anna walked forward as if she was treading over needles. Her sneakers squeaked along the tiled floor and every step that took her closer and closer to Elsa made that miniscule smile twitch and those blue eyes twinkle. She stopped a few feet away from the blonde woman, gripping the strap of her backpack as if it was a lifeline.
"Good morning," Elsa said softly, dipping her head in a slight nod. Her eyelashes fluttered with a blink and the redhead almost forgot to breathe for a moment.
What's wrong with me?
She choked, fumbling with her umbrella as she moved to lean against the wall next to the bench. "G-good morning!" Anna's eyes darted to the double doors, quickly taking in the still pouring rain. "A-although, I don't think it's really a good morning today. It's raining cats and dogs out there!" Anna fiddled with the end of her damp, gray shirt, biting her lip and glancing down to stare at her wet shoes. "You'd think this rain will never end from the sounds of it!" Oh god, stop talking. Stop talking now. You're rambling again Anna. "It's a bit frustrating don't you think? I mean, it makes getting to class a real pain." She tugged on the collar of her shirt, laughing once. "Trying not to get wet on the way here." Oh god, what am I doing?! She began to gesture, heartbeat quickening in her ears. "Not that maybe it isn't a good morning!" Anna said, quickly glancing at Elsa out of the corner of her eye. The blonde quirked an eyebrow and Anna felt her pulse skip. "I-I mean, the weather alone doesn't make a day go bad. Uh, you said it was a good morning so maybe it is!"
She could have heard a pin drop in the silence that ensued.
Anna looked away and brushed a lock of strawberry-blonde hair back, acutely aware that Elsa's smile had vanished. A shiver ran down her spine when she felt the blonde watching her. She glanced out of the corner of her eye and saw that Elsa's head was tilted to the side and her brow was furrowed slightly.
She flushed and cleared her throat. "S-so how are you?" Anna asked, gathering her courage and turning to give the older woman a half, wobbly smile.
Elsa blinked, as if taken aback by Anna's sudden question. The redhead mentally kicked herself for speaking for so long. The older woman hummed and glanced back down at her book, running her fingers over the page absentmindedly.
"I'm doing well," she said and Anna's heart leapt in her throat at the soft admission. Elsa closed her book and turned to face the redhead, lips curling up into a tiny smile again. "Things have been getting—" something flickered in her blue eyes and Anna felt a shiver run down her spine, "—better, you could say."
The image of Elsa sitting on the bench alone that day flashed through Anna's mind. She inhaled quietly and stared down at her shoes, fiddling with the edge of her shirt. A grin threatened to take over her face. She could feel it twitching at the corner of her lips and didn't know why. Something bubbled and stirred in her chest. Her cheeks bloomed with a sudden warmth and she couldn't stop her feet from lightly tapping against each other.
"Better?" Her voice sounded strangely light even to her own ears and she couldn't pinpoint the reason why. Elsa nodded next to her, not taking her eyes off her book. Anna's pulse quickened and she found herself unable to stop the grin from curling on her lips. Her cheeks dimpled and she brushed a lock of hair behind her ear for the third time in the span of a few minutes. "I'm glad to hear that. I was—"
She sucked in a breath sharply and noticed Elsa snap her head up to stare at her. The blonde's blue eyes froze her in place and she felt her heart hammer against her rib cage.
Woah, woah, woah! Where is all this coming from?
"You were...?" Elsa prodded gently, eyebrow knitting together. Something flickered on her face and Anna shook in her sneakers.
She couldn't say she had been worried exactly. She hadn't. She thought the blonde was more than capable of taking care of herself given what she had seen of her. Even when Elsa hadn't left her thoughts, Anna hadn't been worried. Curious, maybe, but not worried. They didn't know each other. They had barely even spoken to each other in all the time they had shared classes. They had exchanged a few "hello's" and "excuse me," when passing by each other in the hallway, but up until last week Elsa hadn't really been aware of her presence. Anna hadn't really been aware of the blonde.
So why couldn't I stop thinking about her all weekend?
"Anna?"
Elsa's voice jolted her from her reverie and she glanced at the blonde to see the other woman staring at her, smile gone from her face.
"Are you alright?" Elsa asked, tilting her head to the side. Her eyes traveled up and down the redhead's figure. "Are you still...tired from last week?"
She remembers that? Anna mentally slapped herself and pushed herself off the wall, shifting her bag on her shoulder. "I'm fine," she said, flashing Elsa a grin. The blonde's blue eyes lit up by just the barest bit and Anna felt her chest swell with an indescribable emotion. Her grin curled higher, cheeks bunching up. "Great, actually."
Her heart skipped a beat when she saw Elsa's smile return. It was so small. Barely a tilt to her lips. But something in the redhead trembled and expanded at the sight.
"That's good to know," Elsa said, voice soft and polite. She turned back to her book, staring at the cover. Her fingertips tapped the cover gently. "It's—"
Anna perked up, eyes widening slightly. Is she actually making a conversation with me? With me of all people? The soles of her feet tingled. She swallowed and waited, deciding against speaking again lest she find herself on another tirade.
Elsa stopped, biting her lip. She glanced away and for a brief moment Anna swore she saw red on her cheeks. She dismissed the notion as soon as possible. It was likely from the cold anyway.
What would Elsa have to be nervous about anyway?
Her mouth opened before she could stop herself.
"It's been a really frustrating semester this year hasn't it?"
Blue eyes shot up to stare at her, wide and surprised.
Me and my big mouth.
She couldn't help herself.
Anna stared down at her shoes, feeling her cheeks heat up again. "I-I mean, like I said. What with the weather and everything, it's been pretty rough all around." She rubbed her arm, looking around the hallway—avoiding the stare directed at her. "Well it's close to exams and stuff. Everyone's been kind of cranky don't you think?" The hair on the back of her neck rose. She could feel goosebumps crawling up her own. Is it just me or is it getting colder? Anna swallowed and mumbled, "I think the rain's been affecting everyone lately, you know?"
Teal eyes glanced swiftly to the side.
Elsa blinked at her, a curious, indiscernible expression on her face.
Anna inhaled and felt every bone, organ, and nerve in her body quiver.
My god. What is wrong with me?
Then, those cherry-pink lips quirked up again, just the tiniest bit more and the blonde turned back to her book. One of her hands reached over and fiddled with the umbrella tucked up next to her.
"I think," she began slowly and Anna felt her heart thud in her chest, "it could be a good morning."
Elsa looked up and they finally stared at each other.
Something hung and hummed in the air. Anna could hear the rain distantly pour outside. Her throat clogged up and she found it hard to speak around the lump bobbing up and down. Her tongue felt thick and her mouth was dry. Her fingers tingled now along with her feet.
Elsa's brow furrowed and her smile wobbled in place. Anna's heart jumped in her throat and she shoved her hands into her pockets, kicking at a spot on the tiled floor.
"Yeah, it could be," she admitted. She licked her lips and refrained from freezing when Elsa brightened. "Uh—" where was the professor? Why hadn't he arrived yet? Why couldn't she say something that seemed coherent and intelligent? "I think the weather forecast said it might let up a bit this week?"
Elsa's eyebrows rose up and Anna felt slightly dizzy when she noticed that they were a few shades darker than the hair atop her head. They were brown, in fact. Why did I not notice that before? Wait. Correction, why am I even noticing it now?
"That would be nice," Elsa whispered, blue eyes glancing down the hallway towards the doors. She tucked a lock of hair back and Anna finally felt the lump in her throat go down when she watched the way the blonde's long bangs swished and fell against her elegant face.
No, really. What is wrong with me? Maybe I didn't get enough sleep after all.
"Are you cold?"
She jumped. Anna blinked several times at Elsa, teal eyes wide. The older woman's brow furrowed and she bit her bottom lip. Regret or something flashed across her face.
"M-me?" the redhead quipped.
Elsa blinked and looked up and down the hallway again. She glanced back at Anna with something close to amusement glimmering in her eyes. She nodded, a tiny up and down motion of her head. The smile on her face became more cordial.
"Who else would I be speaking with?" she asked and there was something in her voice, something in the way she said with that made Anna dizzy again.
The comment should have hurt. It was an old reminder. She had heard far too many like it growing up—when she had started public school in her preteens and every turn had been followed by such a comment.
And yet—
"I'm s-sorry," Elsa stammered, head turning sharply back to her lap. The tips of her ears reddened. She grabbed the end of her braid and fiddled with it, mumbling, "I didn't mean anything by it. Perhaps I should have, er, been more clear," Elsa's eyes darted to her and then back down, "or something..."
Oh god, too cute. Anna sucked in a breath. "No," she whispered.
The blonde turned back to her slowly and cautiously. She watched those bright blue eyes widen in confusion. A grin curled on her face and her voice sounded light and captivated even to her own ears.
"I think," Anna began slowly and she could feel her cheeks bunch up with her thousand-watt smile, "I am a bit cold."
Elsa blinked and her eyebrows knitted together. She straightened and one of her hands went up to the collar of her jacket. "Your shirt is wet."
Anna blinked, pulled from the haze that had fallen over her. She looked down at her shirt, tugging on the dark gray material. It still clung somewhat to her skin and now she was aware of the chill that passed through the hallway. She flipped one of her braids over her shoulder and shot Elsa a grin.
"A little I guess. I forgot to take a sweater or something because I was in such a rush earlier this morning." Elsa frowned at her and this time Anna could see actual worry flicker in her eyes. The redhead's grin widened. "It's okay. It's not too wet." She lifted up her umbrella and jerked her head toward it. "My umbrella kept most of the rain off me."
"Are you sure?" Elsa asked, looking her up and down. The blonde bit her lip and she fingered a button on her long, dark blue coat. "This winter has been really wet and cold lately. You could get sick."
Anna grinned and straightened, hefting her bag higher up on her shoulder. "I'm sure! I'm fine, it'll dry in no time. Don't worry." Something was bubbling in her chest. She felt light on her feet. She had just run from across campus to get to her class, but in that moment she felt a burst of energy starting from her chest and traveling down to her toes. Her head was spinning.
Elsa shifted—moved as if she made to stand up, but the sound of footsteps shuffling behind them made them both pause and turn.
Anna looked over her shoulder to see their professor hurrying down the hallway. His briefcase was stuffed to the brim with papers and she guessed he had been in as much of a hurry as she had. A few of her classmates tailed behind him and she noticed something flicker in their eyes when they spotted her early and next to Elsa. Her spine went rigid when she saw them subtly exchange looks between their friends. The redhead shifted her weight and scooted a few inches farther away from the bench. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Elsa glance at her. She tried to keep the casual grin on her face, but her stomach still rolled and twisted.
Her professor finally skidded to a halt in front of the doors and began to fumble with his keys, mumbling his apologies about being late. She drifted to the back of the students beginning to line up behind him, some of them grumbling quietly about class. Again, out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Elsa.
The blonde had looked away from her now. She was still seated, but the people shuffling behind their professor had moved closer to her space. Her textbook was held tightly to her chest and the tiny smile on her face had been replaced by an almost blank expression.
Almost.
Anna blinked and her brow creased with worry when she noticed lines of tension along the blonde's face. Barely there and nearly hidden by her make-up, but there all the same. Her chest tightened when she recalled the way Elsa had been sitting that one rainy afternoon—shoulders bunched up, brow furrowed, and knees pressed tightly together.
As the crowd began to move inward—their professor welcoming them in and instructing everyone to take their seats—Anna sidled through bodies to linger by the bench. She gripped one of her backpack's straps with all her might, as if holding onto it would bring her some courage. Her hand shook as she reached forward, fingers slowly inching towards dark cloth.
Bright blue eyes turned around and stared at her at the last second.
Her heart stopped and she froze in place, teal eyes widening. Her hand hovered over Elsa's shoulder and she watched the blonde glance between her trembling fingertips and herself. Confusion flashed across Elsa's delicate features and Anna had to fight every urge in her bones to flee. To drop limply to the floor and wait for the ground to swallow her whole. To die from lack of air because she had stopped breathing at some point. To—
To—
To do something that meant she wouldn't be here. Looking like a fool with her hand stretched out, over the shoulder of a girl she barely knew and hadn't even really noticed until last week.
So why do I want—
"Don't cry."
—oh.
All because she couldn't stand to see Elsa look like that. Curled in, shoulders high, arms wrapped around herself, and discomfort clear in her blue eyes.
Her heart started again.
"Uh," Anna began, feeling warmth flush in her cheeks and creep down to her toes. Elsa blinked at her, eyebrows knitting together. The redhead's fingers twitched and she swallowed the lump in her throat. "Um, I, er—"
Elsa's frown deepened and she tilted her head to the side, worry flickering in her eyes. Anna curled her toes in her damp sneakers and pushed down the flipping and rolling in her stomach.
"Good morning," she whispered.
The rain poured outside and she was dimly aware of a draft brushing her skin. Goosebumps rose on her flesh, her wet shirt clinging tightly to her thin frame with the bitter bite of winter air sinking down into her bones. The hallway was emptying now, but she couldn't will her feet to move from their spot. She could hear seats being swiveled and textbooks hitting wood from inside their class. She could hear every droplet of water splash against the glass pane of the hallway's double doors and splatter onto cement. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears—a one, two, three-four beat.
She heard the hitch in Elsa's breath as the blonde's shoulders hunched up to her ears, saw an elegant jaw tighten, and fingers squeeze a hard cover before—
"Good morning," Elsa whispered.
A tiny grin curled on Anna's lips and—despite the bubbles that floated and bobbed in her chest—she watched with delight as a smile twitched at the corners of Elsa's mouth.
Instantly, the fragile, foggy atmosphere between her and Elsa shattered by the barest bit.
That had been over a year ago and the memory still made her breathless.
Anna sighed and ran a hand through her hair, a wave of exhaustion hitting her in the gut.
So what was different today?
The question continued to plague her mind and she bit her lip, worrying the flesh with her tooth trying to figure things out. Something continued to push and pull at the back of her mind. Something in the way Elsa had acted unsettled her and she couldn't pinpoint why. Anna gripped the edge of her bed again and inhaled slowly.
Relax. She probably did just have a bad day. Stop overthinking things. Tomorrow's your anniversary with her. Make it a great one.
Anna's lips twitched and a smile flashed across her face before something coiled in her stomach and made it sink.
Or maybe nothing's different and we're just getting to know each other more.
Her jaw hardened and she stared into nothing, eyes brewing darkly while she rolled the thought over in her head.
But so what? Maybe she just gets moody on bad days. Is that so bad? I don't know every in and out of Elsa. That's fine though right? I can learn. I don't—
A shudder passed through her and she rose to her feet. Anna cupped her hands together as she walked the few steps towards Rapunzel's bed. She ignored every implication her thoughts brought up, pushed down her negative expectations, and braced a knee on the other bed. It creaked under her weight and she refrained from tensing or fleeing.
Still…
She couldn't push down the rapid beat of heart.
Her fingers felt thin as she gripped Rapunzel's shoulder and shook her cousin slightly. She didn't have to wait long. Rapunzel stirred with a groan, shifting onto her side to blink blearily up at her, the green of her eyes nearly invisible in the dark.
"Anna?" she croaked and even without a decent source of light, Anna knew her cousin was staring at her in confusion. "What's wrong? Why are you awake?"
Anna slid her knee off the bed and brought her hands back to her chest, biting her lower lip. Beyond their dorm walls, she could hear an increasing drizzle of rain. It made the hairs on the back of her neck rise and caused a shiver to run down her spine. Rapunzel shifted, leaning on her elbows. Even without seeing her, Anna could tell her cousin was squinting at her.
"Was it another dream?" Rapunzel asked, voice soft, but not from sleepiness. One of her hands reached over and grazed Anna's forearm. Her muscles twitched from the touch, but she didn't flinch away. "You can tell me if you want."
Anna shook her head, even though her cousin couldn't see. "N-no, it wasn't that." The fingers on her arm squeezed gently and she inhaled shakily. "Could I sleep with you?" she asked.
Her voice was small; frail. A part of her hated how it sounded. It left a terrible feeling burning in her stomach. But—and she felt the hand on her forearm tighten with strength and heard Rapunzel shift again on the bed—she didn't even have to wait half a minute for her cousin to answer.
The covers rustled as they were pushed aside. The grip on her arm gently tugged her forward and she limply crawled onto the bed.
"Of course," Rapunzel whispered as Anna pressed into her, curling tightly into a ball. Instinctively, the brunette wrapped her arms around Anna, one hand traveling up to comb through messy strawberry-blonde locks. Rapunzel's voice was quiet, almost inaudible amongst the sound of rain pouring outside, but Anna felt her breath brush her ear. "If it wasn't that, then—"
A shudder wracked Anna's spine.
"I'm sorry," the redhead mumbled, cutting the other woman off. Her cousin stiffened and the hand on the back of Anna's head stilled. She gripped the pink camisole tightly in her grasp, burying her face into a shoulder. "I just want to sleep Rapunzel."
There was a long moment of silence and Anna occupied herself by closing her eyes and counting the breaths passing by her ear and the droplets pouring over the city. It lulled her into a haze and brought a combined wave of calm and despair. She bit her lip and pressed her knees as tightly to her chest as she could.
Then, the hand on her head resumed its movements. The fingers on her back drifted up and down in slow circles. She felt herself being pulled tighter into the body in front of her and lips pressed gently against her forehead.
"Okay," Rapunzel said and her featherlight voice confirmed she wouldn't press anymore.
Anna sighed through her nose and they curled around each other, a hum beginning to vibrate from Rapunzel's throat. A haze fell over the redhead as she listened to the quiet lullaby spilling from Rapunzel's lips and the soft pitter-patter of rain from outside.
Her stomach continued to twist and turn—constrict and curl—as she fell back to sleep.
"You were just so desperate for love, weren't you?"
She couldn't get the thought out of her mind.
Morning light had yet to break over the horizon by the time she woke up.
The alarm clock cut through the air with its blaring, the ringing sending another throbbing headache through her temples.
Elsa snapped open one eye and stared into the gray dark. She could see the neon green lights of 5:45 flashing. Her ears picked up the sound of rain hitting her large window pane. It made goosebumps rise on her back. Her fingers sunk deeper into her pillow, clutching the edge tightly. The only other sound in the room was the regular rise and fall of Meg's breathing from the other bed, creating a strange, soft cacophony between her fear and comfort.
I don't want to get out of bed.
Her heart dropped into the pit of her stomach and a wave of nausea spiraled over her. She hadn't thought like that in some time. Not since committing hard to her medication and therapy after the death of her parents.
The alarm clock continued to ring and blare and Elsa knew that if she continued to let it run, Meg would wake up eventually and there'd be—
There'd be questions.
And she was so sick of questions. Sick of being prodded and pushed, asked why she didn't do this or that. Why she didn't hang around with other children and instead chose to curl around books in corners or why she didn't come out of her room at times and instead—
"Stay in your room if you want then! But I swear if you do not come for Friday's dinner, then there will be repercussions young lady! I won't have that kind of behavior in my house!"
She wondered in the end if they had realized that it wasn't that she didn't want do such things, but that she couldn't have.
What did it matter in the end what I could or couldn't do? We always moved to another city several months later anyway. Nobody noticed some thin, nervous girl in the corner. Honestly, who—
"—are you okay?"
Her headache throbbed at her temples and she shut her eyes tightly. Elsa whimpered and curled deeper into her bed, trying to block out the blaring of her alarm clock and the drizzle of rain pouring outside. Something flickered and blurred behind her closed eyelids and another wave of vertigo washed over her. Her pulse flared and she inhaled sharply, pressing her face into her pillow. The familiar prickle and shudder of anxiety crawled on her skin. Elsa whimpered and tried to block out the clock's incessant buzzing.
She could still hear tires screeching and glass shattering. It almost felt as if she had—
The light flicked on.
The sudden glow made spots dance behind her eyelids and she jerked in bed. There was the sound of something being slammed and the alarm clock stopped ringing. Elsa's eyes snapped open and she blinked several times as her eyes adjusted to the sudden light in her room.
Violet eyes stared down at her. Her stomach tightened at the look on her roommate's face.
Meg glanced at the alarm clock and then back at her, frowning. Elsa looked away from her stare, swallowing a lump in her throat and trying to stop the shivers racing up and down her spine. There was a soft sigh and she flinched when Meg sat down on the edge of the bed. A hand grazed her shoulder and she twitched. It retracted.
"You okay Blondie?" Meg asked and Elsa's stomach churned when she noticed that the brunette was deliberately keeping her voice soft.
It made guilt claw at her insides.
Elsa stared at a spot on her bed, eyes boring a hole into the light blue sheets, lips pursing into a thin line. One, two, three. One, two, three, she counted in her head.
When she didn't answer after several seconds Meg sighed and played with the edge of her comforter. The rain continued to beat at their condo's window and with every splatter against the glass Elsa could feel her composure weaken. Her muscles grew taut and her nerves began to race under her skin. The hair on the back of her neck rose. She knew that Meg could hear her breath quickening.
Elsa wished her bed could swallow her whole.
A hand came up again and gently brushed aside blonde bangs. She bit her lip and whimpered, shutting her eyes. Fingertips grazed her temple and her whole body stiffened.
"Sorry," Meg whispered, withdrawing her hand once more.
Elsa shook her head and fought down the despair creeping on her bones. "It's okay," she muttered, mentally cringing with how hoarse her voice sounded.
For the next several minutes, her roommate sat by her, still as a statue. Elsa swallowed and pushed her knees up to her chest, the sheets crinkling and sounding horribly loud in the otherwise silent room. The rain continued to pour outside, growing in strength and she knew that Meg was reaching her limit.
"What was it this time?"
Her heart plummeted further down, sinking through her stomach and dropping down dead at her toes.
Elsa blinked furiously, feeling wetness at the corners of her eyes. The wave of sickness returned with a force, turning her world around over and over. She inhaled and her lungs strained for air. It was hard to breathe and exhaling caused a shudder to wrack her slender frame.
"Elsa?" Meg's voice sounded worried and she mentally kicked herself harder at the knowledge of that. Her fingers tightened their grip on her pillow when she felt the body next to her shift just slightly closer. "We don't have to talk, obviously, if you don't want to, but..."
A hand laid upon her shoulder, firmer this time. Elsa didn't know whether she wanted to lean into the touch or shy away from it. The answer was made for her when Meg withdrew her hand again and the guilt oozing in her stomach intensified.
"Elsa, darling. Can't you just...come out? For Mommy please."
No, no, no.
She breathed in again and this time she couldn't stop the choking sob. The tears behind her eyes burned harder and she pressed her nose down into her pillow, feeling them leak down her face, felt the empty feeling in her stomach grow. The rain outside seemed to pound harder and harder against the glass, making her curl tighter into a ball. She heard Meg shift next to her, hands coming up to grasp her shoulders.
"Elsa! Hey, hey, it's okay. Don't cry," the brunette said soothingly.
"Don't cry."
For some reason, the words made her ache. Elsa buried her face in her pillow until she could only see the darkness behind her closed eyelids. Meg continued to offer soft words and sounds of comfort, one hand trailing down to her back to rub in slow, gentle circles.
"You don't have to say anything," Meg said and her hand squeezed Elsa's shoulder.
The combined comfort and easy acceptance made her tremble and sob harder.
God, I miss—I miss them.
"I think you need this more than I do!"
I miss Anna.
But it had been her that had shut down on her girlfriend, just like it had been her who turned away from her parents. The empty, guilty feeling intensified tenfold. The sobbing came harder and she couldn't hide her tears no matter how much she tried. Meg's hands tensed on her frame before they resumed their rubbing and Elsa cried into her pillow, words spilling brokenly from her mouth.
"I-I was... I was in the car with them this t-time... I was in the car with them this time. Oh god. Oh god, oh god..."
The hands on her tensed. She sobbed harder and her chest hurt from the action, shoulders shaking.
"Shh," Meg whispered and Elsa felt her roommate reach over and pull the covers onto her. "You're okay now Elsa. You're okay."
No. No, she wasn't. She wasn't okay at all.
On today of all days.
Anna stared down at their dorm floor with a haunted expression. Her wristwatch clicked incessantly and she glanced at it dully to note the time.
6:30.
Her fingers twitched on her lap. She gripped the edge of her shirt and tugged at the old material. She wasn't sure if it sagged on her figure because it was just that old or because she was just that thin. Anna exhaled and rubbed her eyes, dragging her hands down her face. She turned back to the tiny mirror on their vanity desk and squinted at it, teal eyes flickering over every freckle on her face.
What do I—
The door clicked open and she jumped in her seat, glancing over her shoulder to see Rapunzel poke her head in. The brunette frowned at her, green eyes flashing with worry when she saw Anna sitting sullenly.
"Oh," was her cousin's only reaction.
Anna's lips quivered into a tiny smile and she waved slightly at the older woman. "Hey."
Rapunzel's frown deepened and the redhead deflated. "Have you been hiding in here since you got out of class?"
Anna winced and turned back to the mirror, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Her fingers fiddled with braiding the strands into her signature hairstyle while she stammered, "I- er, I wanted to make sure I looked perfect for tonight. But I—"
She heard the door shut softly and then heard Rapunzel walk up to her. A familiar hand brushed lightly across the top of her head and she sagged in her seat.
"I don't know what to wear," Anna mumbled, eyelids drooping. Exhaustion crept into her limbs and she sighed, chin touching the top of her chest. "Or even what to say to her when I see her."
Rapunzel hummed behind her and continued to stroke her hair. Anna stared at the mirror, barely moving when she noticed her cousin pick up the hair brush beside her and lift it to begin running it through strawberry-blonde locks. The rhythmic motion helped calm Anna's nerves. Somewhat.
She swallowed and fiddled with a tube of lipstick, glancing at her cousin in the mirror. Words weren't coming to her for some reason. It was disorienting and discomforting.
Rapunzel saved her the trouble. "The others said you were practically a walking skeleton all day." Anna flinched and clutched the cherry-pink lipstick. Her cousin paused before resuming her brushing. "Cheer up Anna. It's likely she just had a bad day. She probably feels terrible for leaving you on such an awkward note."
Knowing Elsa, she probably does.
Anna bit her lip when her stomach twisted suddenly.
But do I really know her?
A shiver ran down her spine and she closed her eyes, inhaling slowly.
Come on. No more thoughts like that. Stop it.
She exhaled and opened her eyes. "You're right," she mumbled, feeling strength returning to her when words did. "You're probably right." Anna half-laughed and fiddled with the tube of lipstick, raising it to her mouth and running it over slowly. "Elsa's probably thinking she'll have to make it up to me or something." Finished, she snapped the tube shut and rolled it over in her hands, a smile twitching at the corner of her lips. "But, it'll be fine, I'm sure. Everyone has bad days."
Rapunzel blinked at her in the mirror before smiling slightly. "You're going to have a lovely dinner," she said, delicately combing the brush through her hair before setting it aside. "Do you want your hair in your braids?"
Anna fidgeted and played with her fingertips, glancing down shyly. "I don't know. Do you think I should try a different style?" She finally turned around to stare up at her cousin, warmth blooming on her freckled cheeks. "I mean, this is a special occasion."
Rapunzel frowned and placed one hand on her hip, the other cupping her chin. She hummed and looked the redhead up and down, a contemplative look in her green eyes. It was the same expression she put on whenever she was studying a painting or drawing. Anna cracked a half-smile and said, "Maybe I should have bought something from Anita's after all."
It had been a long, long time since she had worn anything expensive.
"Do you think they'll like me?"
She stiffened and the smile dropped from her face. Rapunzel blinked and her expression softened. The brunette reached over and caressed Anna's check, a tender look in her eyes.
"Don't worry about that. You should be focusing more on the fact that you've got a big thing to do with Elsa."
Anna laughed and absentmindedly reached up to hold her cousin's hand against her cheek. Her stomach churned and her voice came out slightly shaky. "That doesn't exactly answer the question of what I'm going to wear."
Rapunzel beamed and straightened, turning around and walking over to her bed. "About that!" Anna blinked and tilted her head when her cousin leaned down and pulled a box from underneath. "I wanted to give you this last night, but—"
She stopped and Anna felt tension line the air. The color drained from her face and she felt her stomach sink a bit. The younger woman tucked a lock hair behind her ear and cleared her throat, mumbling, "Yeah, I don't think last night would been the best time."
Rapunzel flashed her a sympathetic smile before rifling through the box. "You kept mentioning how you needed new clothes, but you never got around to actually buying some."
Anna laughed, her earlier blush returning. "Yeah, but you know," she gestured off-handedly, "things came up and such."
Rapunzel chuckled and pulled out a blouse. Anna blinked and her eyes slowly widened as realization dawned on her face. "Oh, Punzie, you didn't—"
The wide grin curling on the brunette's face cut her off. Anna swallowed and stood up, striding over to her cousin. In Rapunzel's hands was a simple-looking blouse. Simple-looking being the keywords. Up close, Anna could see the material was sleek, yet durable. She ran a finger over the blouse, jaw growing slack at the soft feeling. It was jet black. Anna blinked and gaped at her cousin, trying to form words around the lump in her throat.
"Punz, i-is this what you were doing yesterday?"
Rapunzel beamed and delicately folded the blouse, setting it on her bed. "Not completely," she glanced at Anna and winked, chuckling, "I have something else for you besides the shirt. That's just the start." The redhead made a choked noise and she laughed. "Oh, don't give me that look. It's for your anniversary! I know it's going to be a more casual thing then...then…"
She trailed off and Anna felt her stomach clench and plummet.
Then some fancy dinner with so many people watching me.
Her skin crawled and she fidgeted in place, ducking her head down. The hair on the back of her neck rose. She could still feel the entirety of his family staring at her. Judging her. Anna swallowed and pushed down the need to hide. She straightened her shoulders and gripped her cousin's shoulders. Rapunzel looked up at her sharply, green eyes flashing with concern. Anna gave a tentative smile and pulled the brunette into a gentle embrace, pressing her nose into short hair.
"I love it," she whispered.
There was a short moment of silence before arms wrapped around her. Hands clutched her shoulders and squeezed her firmly. Rapunzel squealed and nuzzled her cheek. Anna laughed at the sudden enthusiasm radiating off her cousin as she began to babble.
"Oh, I knew you would! I'm so excited!" Rapunzel tore away from her to pick up the blouse again, placing it against Anna's chest and looking her up and down. "It's going to look lovely on you!" Anna grinned and felt her fingers tingle as Rapunzel smoothed out the blouse, obviously envisioning her in it already. "I wanted something classy, but not too formal so—"
Anna's laugh bubbled in her throat as her cousin began to circle around her, tilting her head this way and that as she spoke. She reached up and held the blouse in place, cheeks bunching up higher and higher.
"—oh! And it matches so lovely with your hair and eyes!" Rapunzel squealed and held Anna's cheek for a moment, green eyes lighting up. "It goes well with your skin too! You look great with greens and yellows, but—" Her cousin was back to circling her and the redhead felt her brush a few stray hairs back into her braids, "—I always think you'd look wonderful in another palette."
Something tickled the back of Anna's mind. She looked over her shoulder as Rapunzel fiddled around with her hair and shirt, humming to herself. "Wait, you said this was only the start."
"Mhm!" Her cousin turned back to her bed and rifled through the box, pulling out a sleek belt.
Anna's eyes widened. "Don't tell me you have a whole outfit in there."
Rapunzel giggled and pecked her cheek. It made it that much easier to smile.
"No, I just have the blouse, this, and—" Her cousin's mouth clamped shut.
Anna blinked, the grin vanishing from her face. She narrowed her eyes playfully. "You hesitated."
Rapunzel coughed into her hand and placed the belt to the side, gently shutting the box. Anna leaned over quickly to try and peer inside, but her cousin was already moving it under the bed.
"Only thing you'll find in there are some jeans and boots," Rapunzel quipped, flashing Anna a grin when the redhead let out an annoyed grunt. "I'm saving the other stuff for a later occasion."
Later occasion.
For some reason the words hung both delicately and heavily in her mind. Anna straightened, palms suddenly sweaty. She tucked back a lock, brushing the white streak in her hair—finding some comfort in it.
"Okay," she mumbled. "Then, help me with the rest of my outfit?"
Rapunzel's grin grew larger. "Of course!"
Anna wished she could smile just as large, but the dread pooling in her stomach stopped her from doing so.
"She'll be here soon."
She didn't flinch or turn. She merely nodded mutely and continued to stir the sauce, keeping a careful eye on the pasta to make sure it wouldn't overcook. It was a welcoming distraction. A part of her was still so unsure of how she had managed to get out of bed.
Double dosage. Just in case.
Elsa sighed and dropped the wooden spoon, fingers automatically rubbing her temples.
"Elsa, are you sure you don't want to—"
"No."
Her voice was sharp and curt, cutting through the air like a knife. She didn't even have to turn around to know Meg had winced. Her hands dropped and she gripped the edge of the stove tightly. The bone of her knuckles pressed against her skin, making it turn white and she felt that ever familiar, ever disgusting old feeling of something crawling along her insides.
"I don't think she'd mind," Meg said slowly and Elsa's shoulders tensed when she felt the brunette just a few steps behind her. "If you explained what was wrong I'm sure she'd understand."
You make it sound so easy.
Elsa bit her lip. Her entire body felt tight, so wound up. Even after taking a second dose, she didn't feel much better than she had during the morning. A sigh escaped her lips and her shoulders sagged.
"Meg, please, I—" her words caught in her breath and a lump swelled in her throat.
What did she want?
I want this to go well.
Elsa swallowed and turned around to face her roommate. The brunette had gone silent and when their eyes met, surprise flashed across her face.
"I don't want to reschedule," Elsa said. Mentally, she was kicking herself for being a stubborn fool, but she wanted this. Her hands came up and she was wringing them before she noticed. "Besides, it's too late to do that anyway. Anna will be here any minute. Like you said."
Meg frowned. "Oh, come on Blondie. I—"
Blue eyes widened, pleading. "Meg."
Don't argue with me please. Not today.
Meg exhaled through her nose, worry flashing in her violet eyes. The guilt creeping through Elsa's limbs sped its pace. The brunette rubbed the back of her neck before shrugging.
"Alright, alright. But, well, you know." Meg shrugged again and shifted her purse, flashing Elsa a dry half-smirk. "Then, I'm off. You two have a good time."
The blonde frowned, absentmindedly turning back to check up on her food. She stirred the sauce again, feeling the familiar itch in her hands. "Where are you going?"
Meg shot her an incredulous look. "Uh, to Herc's? Me and the guys are having a movie night." Elsa blinked several times and her roommate chuckled. "If I recall correctly, an anniversary is kind of a private thing, right?"
The blonde blushed furiously, glancing away to occupy herself. "R-right, of course. Of course you'd be leaving. It makes sense." It was such a stupid thing to forget and the knowledge that she hadn't realized she would be alone with Anna sunk deep. Her mind ran over the thought that she had conveniently forgotten Meg wouldn't be here over and over.
Stupid, foolish little girl. It's nothing to get worked over. Just "thoughts" in your head.
Elsa sighed, nodding.
They're only thoughts.
She glanced over her shoulder and flashed Meg a tiny grin. "Well, I'll see you later then?"
Meg's face softened and she placed a hand on her hip, smirk widening. "Right, see you later Blonde. You and Wonder Girl have fun okay?" Elsa nodded again and the brunette's eyes flickered. "But not too much fun."
The blush on her cheeks darkened and she hurriedly checked on her pasta, fingers trembling. "I have no idea what you mean," she mumbled, the tips of her ears red. It was a wonder her voice didn't crack.
Meg laughed and Elsa was relieved to hear the usual spunk back in her voice.
"Alright, catch you later Blondie."
She flashed the brunette a tiny grin, seeing her walk out of the kitchen to the door. Elsa turned back to the stove, fingers twitching. She tried to concentrate on what she was cooking, but she could still feel the itch and prickle. Her fingers shook.
I have to keep them busy.
Lest she scratch and dig her nails into her skin all over again.
The swing of the door and Meg's surprised shout made her jump. Elsa whirled around, blue eyes wide.
"Jesus Wonder Girl, you almost gave me a heart attack."
She's here!
Elsa's heart jumped into her throat.
Oh god, I'm not ready.
She turned the stove off hurriedly, listening intently to the conversation coming from the living room.
"I-I'm sorry. I was, uh, just about to knock!"
Elsa mentally cringed at the hesitance in Anna's voice. Is she nervous? She's nervous. Probably because of me. She probably still thinks last night was her fault or something. But how could she explain what had happened during her appointment?
I'm not ready.
She bit her lip and began to—as quietly as she could—plate their meal together. The voices had dulled to a murmur and that made her skin crawl. She strained her ears to listen as well as she could, placing the plates on the kitchen table.
"Why weren't you knocking?" Meg hissed.
Elsa paused in untying her apron.
"I was going to," Anna whispered back. "I was just...prepping myself."
Her stomach twisted. She looked around, rubbing her palms together, trying to push down the tight, twisting ache starting from her chest and running down.
"Well, learn how to knock next time Wonder Girl. She's waiting for you."
"She wasn't waiting long was she?"
Anna's concerned voice alleviated a tiny bit of the pressure in her chest. Her lips wobbled into a smile.
"Well, she wasn't before, but now she is. Get in there," Meg hissed.
Elsa fidgeted, eyes darting side to side as shuffling came from the living room. She inhaled and willed her stiff legs to move forward. A part of her mind was beginning to scream, trying to urge her to run to her room and hide.
"Right! Right, I—"
She noticed those teal eyes before she saw anything else.
Elsa's breath caught in her throat.
Oh.
Anna looked different.
Her girlfriend wore a black, elegant blouse. It was tucked into a brown belt and the material looked so new that she wondered if Anna had bought it for the occasion. The small measure of emotion from before spread farther in her chest. The redhead had her usual braids, but she lacked the familiar sneakers. They had been replaced by a pair of slim, high lace-up boots. To Elsa's mild surprise, she had a blue pleated skirt on instead of jeans.
All in all, Anna didn't look as if she was dressed for the rainy day weather they were having at all.
But for an anniversary, she's perfect.
The chill of winter slowly sank to the floor and she felt a warmth bloom in her cheeks and her chest. Anna straightened, glancing sideways and tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. Elsa quivered in her heels and clasped her hands together.
Meg looked between the two, eyebrow quirked. The blonde ignored the slow smirk curling on her friend's lips and straightened, clearing her throat.
"You're here."
It sounded so terribly blunt and empty. It barely contained any of the emotion she felt right now. Anna shuffled her feet, glancing down at the floor.
"Yeah. I'm here," she mumbled, cheeks reddening.
Elsa's own cheeks darkened.
"Well!"
Meg's voice cut through the atmosphere. Elsa jumped, staring with wide blue eyes at her roommate. The brunette patted Anna on the head, making the redhead start.
"I should be heading out now," she said. Her violet eyes flickered and she winked at Elsa. "You two relax and enjoy your evening together. Don't stay up late watching scary movies all night kiddies."
Then, with a laugh and a wave, Meg was out the door.
It clicked shut and the ensuing silence that followed in her apartment made a weight drop down upon her.
Anna glanced from the door and back to her, teal eyes wide. Elsa felt a shiver run down her spine and dug her nails into her palms. She looked down at her heels, mentally taking in her appearance. Suddenly, she was self-conscious about everything. She was sure that her neatly kept braid was loose. Her lipstick was probably smudged. She hadn't cleaned herself up since she had started cooking.
And now she was cursing herself for cooking in her simple white dress.
"You're gorgeous."
The soft, silken, dreamy voice halted her wayward thoughts.
Elsa started, blue eyes shooting up to stare into dazed teal.
Anna's lips were curved into a gentle smile and the blonde noticed she was holding an umbrella. Elsa's shoulders sagged a bit in relief. At least she didn't come out all this way without one. Her stomach twisted however, when she recognized the pink object.
Oh.
A wave of nostalgia washed over her and she was conscious of the rain pouring outside again. The air thickened and the silence continued. Elsa wet her lips and looked away, rubbing her fingertips together. Anna fidgeted in front of her, glancing down at the floor—the tenderness on her face replaced by a frown.
Great. Say something. Don't just stand there and let her think something's still wrong. Act normal. Be normal, for once!
"I—"
Anna looked up sharply. Elsa faltered for a moment before straightening her shoulders.
"Do you mind if I get cleaned up for a quick second?" She wrung her hands, biting her lip. "I haven't had the chance since I started cooking."
"Oh." Anna blushed lightly. "No, of course not. Go ahead! Uh, I'll just go sit down. The kitchen, right?"
Elsa nodded and when Anna turned, she spun on her heel and raced to the bathroom. She rushed to the vanity and stood in front of it, bracing her hands against the marble countertop for a moment. Shutting her eyes tightly, she tried to still the racing of her heart.
"Don't start freaking out. Just act naturally. Normally," she mumbled.
When she opened her eyes and stared into the mirror, she despaired at the dismal expression on her face.
I don't know anything about normal though.
Her fingers shook as she reapplied her lipstick and then swiped her face with foundation. A glance at the mirror showed her that her braid was still in tact. At least that hasn't gone wrong. Elsa brushed a lock of hair back and then smoothed down her dress, mentally checking off to see if she had missed anything.
The gift.
Her heart skipped three beats.
"Do I show it to her now?" she mumbled to herself, biting her thumb. "Or later?"
The fact that she didn't know what was an appropriate time made her insides squirm. Her inexperience careened itself into her head again and her therapist's words replayed in her mind.
No, no, no. Don't think like that. Don't feel like that. Like this.
She was still biting her thumb.
Elsa tore it from her mouth as if she'd been burned and hurried to her bedroom. The sound of her heels clacking against the tiled floor sounded like thunder to her. The hair on the back of her neck rose when she saw the rain splattering against the bedroom window. Elsa breathed shakily as she grabbed Anna's present.
Just breathe. Relax. Control it.
Her hands itched as she walked back to the kitchen. The familiar urge to run her nails over the skin of her wrists again and again was incessant.
"Here, put these on. You need to learn how to break that habit."
A shudder ran down her spine. She clutched the gift tightly and stopped.
Anna had placed her bag down in one of the seats and was currently setting ice into a small bowl, a bottle of wine next to her. As if she knew Elsa was staring, the redhead looked over her shoulder. A tentative grin curled on her lips.
"Hey," she said softly.
"Hey," Elsa mumbled back. Stiffly, she walked to her chair and placed the box down. Anna's eyes flicked to it and then back up at her. The blonde swallowed thickly. "D-did you have any trouble getting here?'
"No." Anna shook her head and pulled out her seat. "It's not raining too bad right now so I wasn't worried about getting wet."
She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and Elsa's eyes honed in on the gauntness of her cheeks. Shadows—faint, but there—rested underneath Anna's eyes, dimming the brightness of the sea-green hue.
Did she not sleep well?
Elsa's lips thinned as she settled in her chair, the weight on her shoulders dragging further down.
Well, would she sleep well after last night?
"Um."
She looked up to see Anna fidgeting. Again. It sent a kick to her stomach. Her girlfriend always seemed to exude enthusiasm and warmth at every turn, but now Anna was rubbing her fingertips together as if she was treading on eggshells.
"Are you, uh," the redhead bit her lip, teal eyes darting back and forth, "feeling better Elsa?"
No.
She didn't dare say that though.
"It's...better," Elsa mumbled instead. It was hardly adequate. It was hardly accurate. She traced the edge of the table with a finger, unable to meet Anna's concerned gaze. The words she desperately wanted to say were clogged in her throat, bogged down by her nerves and thoughts. "I...I'm sorry, I had—"
She glanced up at Anna quickly and froze. There was something strange and unfamiliar glimmering in her eyes. A murky look darkened their hue. One of her hands clutched the back of her chair and Elsa blinked at the strained tendons in her skin. The blonde shifted, ears picking up the sound of the rain continuously coming down.
"Are you sure?"
She stared at her girlfriend, surprise flaring at the odd undertone in her voice.
"I am," she said slowly and when Anna continued to stare at her, she looked down at her plate of food. "I just...had a rough day."
God, I'm not ready to talk about it. Please don't ask any further Anna.
The feel of lips brushing against her cheek all too suddenly made her jump in her chair and whirl around.
"Sorry!" Anna stepped back, biting her lip guilty. "Probably not the best time to do that, but you looked, uh…" She trailed off and gestured her hands uselessly.
Elsa urged a dutiful smile onto her face and reached up to caress her girlfriend's face. The brush of her fingertips along a freckled cheek made something flash in those teal eyes.
"It's okay," she murmured. "I'm okay."
Except she really, really wasn't.
Anna drew back, a half-grin on her faces. She squeezed Elsa's hand for a moment and pressed a quick kiss to the palm, making the blonde's skin tingle and buzz. It was a welcoming distraction to the itch running along her hands, along the insides of her wrists. The redhead quickly shuffled back to her seat, seemingly placated by the short exchange.
"I brought the movie, if you want to watch it later." She fished out a DVD case, the words Lady and the Tramp spread across it. Elsa nodded, her smile a bit more genuine for the moment. "And, uh, I brought some wine too," Anna added, jerking her head in the direction of the slim glass bottle. "It's not terribly expensive. Er," she laughed and sat down, "not expensive at all actually. I hope you don't mind."
"I don't," Elsa replied and wished she could say more than that. But the nerves racing under her skin were making her heart beat rapidly. She cleared her throat. "So, dinner?"
"Right!" Anna beamed at her and grabbed her fork, casting the simple meal an approving look. "It looks delicious."
Elsa's smile felt strained, but she smiled nonetheless. "Let's get started then," she said softly.
I just hope it's not cold by now.
The thought burrowed deep inside and she tightened her grip on her fork as she bit into the pasta.
Lukewarm. Better than freezing I guess.
A pleased noise drew her attention to Anna. The redhead had her eyes closed and was chewing contentedly. Elsa paused in eating as she watched Anna, a tiny smile curling on her lips. With the way her cheeks bunched up, Anna looked less like she had slept restlessly and more like she was actually happy to be here. Again, the blonde took in her girlfriend's appearance.
Her strawberry-blonde hair stood out beautifully against her blouse, the black color accentuating her skin. She couldn't see Anna's skirt while she was sitting unfortunately and a part of Elsa bemoaned the fact that she had missed the chance to look at her girlfriend's slim legs.
Legs that had probably shivered in the cold, wet air.
Guilt shot through Elsa again.
The blonde stared down at her plate.
The simple, high black boots had probably kept her legs from getting soaked. Though, Elsa still knew that it had been terrible outside. The rain continued to fall and a quick glance to the living room window showed it had only increased. The guilt grew heavier. She squirmed in place and took another quick bite to distract herself.
"It's good."
Elsa glanced sharply at Anna, blinking a few times.
Anna grinned sheepishly and played her utensil. "The food, I mean. It's delicious."
Elsa frowned. "Not cold?"
"Oh!" Anna straightened and shoved another mouthful past her lips. "A bit? I guess," she mumbled around the past. Elsa inwardly cringed, wishing she had decided to wait longer before serving them.
"But—"
Anna's voice cut through her thoughts. She blinked at her, face pale. Teal eyes bore into her own and a tender smile curled on pink lips.
"Warmer than everything else."
Her breath hitched. Elsa went back to her food to hide the sudden wetness at the corner of her eyes. She nodded, swallowing a lump in her throat and mumbled, "I'm glad."
Anna's smile brightened. Elsa's lips twitched into a tiny, tentative grin and the two returned to their meal. For several minutes they ate in silence. Some of the anxiety in her had been alleviated by the genuine delight in Anna's voice so Elsa allowed herself to enjoy the quiet.
"So how was your day?"
She stiffened. Elsa glanced up at her girlfriend, brow creasing. "Er..." She placed down her utensils, the itch returning. She thought about picking them back up, just so her fingers could have something to hold. Just so she wasn't tempted to scratch. "I didn't actually do much today. I mostly—" laid in bed feeling sorry for myself, "—read. In bed." She wanted to kick herself.
Anna chuckled and the blonde twitched. For a brief—terrifying—second she wondered if the laugh was directed at her. But when she blinked at the redhead, Anna's teal eyes were dim. She seemed tired to Elsa. Elsa frowned.
"That kind of makes two of us," Anna mumbled, swirling her fork around.
Elsa swallowed and nodded. "I didn't really feel like doing much," she whispered. Or anything at all. "The rain kind of," she bit her lips and Anna smiled at her slightly. It lacked her usual energy and the half-tilt made it seem all the worse. "Put a downer on things."
She just wished it was only that rain that left her without any motivation to do anything.
Anna hummed and glanced at the wine bottle. She pursed her lips, brow creasing. "Maybe we should save that for another time then. I don't really like drinking when..." She trailed off, tucking her hair back.
When it's not really something to celebrate?
Elsa pushed back the thought as quickly as it came.
I have to stop being so negative.
"Well maybe now is actually the best time," Anna joked, flashing her a small grin. It made the twisting in Elsa's stomach pause. "All this bad weather getting to us."
It stirred something inside her. The words caused a memory to flicker and bloom in her mind's eye. Elsa smiled gently and reached for the bottle. "I'll get the wine opener then." Anna beamed and she suddenly wanted to reach over the table and grab her pigtails; plant a kiss on her girlfriend's lips. Instead, she grabbed the bottle and walked over to the kitchen counter, rummaging through the drawers for their wine bottle opener. "So, how was your day? Not that different from mine you said?"
Anna hummed again and Elsa listened silently to the clinking of her fork. "I, well, I just spent some time with my cousin. When I didn't have classes of course."
Elsa glanced over her shoulder, bottle opener now in her grasp. "You and Rapunzel sound very close." She felt a twinge and pushed down the uneasy feeling. "It must be wonderful," she murmured.
The redhead nodded, chewing around another mouthful. "As close as we can be considering—" She stopped and Elsa frowned, walking back to the table. Anna swallowed and tapped her fingers against the surface, not meeting her gaze.
"Anna?"
Her fingers twitched. The insides of her wrists really, really itched. A shadow passed over the redhead's face. Anna exhaled and gave the blonde a grin, but Elsa's frown only deepened. There was something...off about her girlfriend's smile.
And it isn't that she just looks tired.
"She's just helped me out with some things is all." Anna shrugged and chuckled. "We actually didn't meet until I was older."
She doesn't want to talk about it.
Her heart dropped low to the ground. Elsa nodded and uncorked the bottle, pouring the light liquid into the glasses Anna had set up while she'd been cleaning up in the bathroom. It unsettled her that Anna didn't want to continue.
But then you're not telling her things either.
Her jaw clenched. She set the bottle aside. A finger brushed her hand and she glanced sharply at Anna. The younger woman rubbed a circle into her skin, a slight smile on her face.
"Are you sure you're okay Elsa?" A frown crossed Anna's face. "You look pale. Well, paler than usual. But you look as if you didn't sleep well."
Am I that obvious?
The thought unsettled her further. Elsa gently retracted her hand, grabbing her glass and sitting down. Confusion—and hurt, she tried to ignore that one—flashed in Anna's eyes. She looked down at her half-finished plate, unable to meet the dark gaze in front of her. It was discomforting to know she was the cause of it.
I seem to be quite capable of doing that to people I care about.
Bitterness gathered in her throat. The blonde nodded, saying, "It's just the weather. You know I don't like the rain. It's depressing."
Anna hummed as she ran a finger over the rim of her glass. "Yeah," she whispered.
Elsa blinked at her, brow furrowing. Anna's face had softened and she was staring into the wine with a far off look. An urge clutched the blonde's stomach. She bit her lip and gripped her glass harder. What are you thinking?
Anna sighed and glanced up at her. At once the atmosphere changed and she lifted her glass, giggling. "A drink? To our one month anniversary?"
It sounded so dreadfully hollow and cheerless.
Or is that just me and my mind?
Elsa forced a smile on her face and nodded, murmuring, "To our rainy anniversary."
Anna choked on a snort of laughter.
Elsa told herself it didn't sound off.
They clinked their glasses together and the ringing of it was loud in her ears. And, although they tipped their heads back, although the alcohol burned pleasantly down their throats, although they set their glasses down and smiled at each other—
Elsa couldn't help but feel a chasm splinter between them.
It made the spark and thunder of her nerves return in force. Elsa swallowed her sip and glanced to the living room, brow creasing when she saw the rain continue to beat down against the glass window. Nostalgia draped itself over her shoulders and the uneasiness from before curled tightly in her chest. She fidgeted, clasping her hands together. She kept her nails away from her wrists.
Anna let out a soft, small giggle. Elsa bit her lip and watched her brush the white streak in her hair absentmindedly. "I'm sorry," Anna murmured, teal eyes downcast. "I'm acting strange aren't I?'
She couldn't think of what to say in response. Elsa inhaled and opened her mouth, but her tongue felt thick and dry. Anna blinked at her, a smile curving on her lips. But the blonde noticed the crease along her brow. Her teal eyes flickered with something. As if she was expecting Elsa to speak.
Oh, of course she's expecting you to speak. But what do I say?
Elsa's blue eyes darted down and landed on the long, slim box beside her plate. She stiffened and felt a desperate measure of relief and hope burst in her chest.
That's it!
Elsa grabbed the box and held it to her chest, a tentative smile springing forth. "I have something for you."
Anna perked up, genuine delight and curiosity sparking in her eyes. "Oh? You didn't have to," she said, a blush blooming on her cheeks. Nonetheless, when Elsa leaned over and handed the box to Anna, the redhead delicately grasped it. Their fingers brushed. It gave her chills.
"First anniversary and all that, " Elsa said softly, emotion thick in her voice.
Anna blinked at her, her familiar thousand-watt grin reappearing for the first time that evening. "I got something for you too!" She set down the box, turning to where her bag was placed next to her chair. "Let me just—!"
Elsa grabbed one of her hands. Anna jumped and stared at her. The blonde flashed a sheepish smile. "I'd love to see your gift Anna, but," she withdrew her hands and wrung them together, the itch crawling incessantly over her skin. "C-can you open mine first?"
She hated how selfish and needy she sounded.
Anna brightened, grin returning. "Of course! I'd love to."
But before she did that, she leaned over the table. Elsa's heart lurched in her throat as lips pressed gently against hers. A great need flared up in her stomach and relief at the contact swelled within her. She reached up and laid a hand on Anna's cheek, fingers curling along the soft skin. She brushed her thumb against the splatter of freckles and sighed into the chaste kiss, cupping Anna's chin. Her body trembled. Her fingers shook and her insides felt as if they were being crushed.
How could Anna not notice?
They parted and her girlfriend lightly pecked her forehead. Elsa could feel the smile on her lips. But instead of feeling elation, her stomach twisted in turmoil.
Anna sat down and her fingers slowly undid the ribbon along the slim, black box. The tiny, expectant grin on her face made Elsa's pulse race. The blonde watched with bated breath as her girlfriend slid her gift open, teal eyes glimmering with curiosity. She gripped the edge of the table, knuckles going white as Anna took in the sight of the silver heart necklace.
Anna blinked, the excitement vanishing from her face. Her grin, the dimples along it, her brow—they dropped. Everything stilled. Went blank. A stone dropped in Elsa's stomach as Anna stared at the necklace, hands unmoving. Something else, something unfamiliar and unsteady flashed in Anna's eyes.
The rain came down harsher outside. Her ears picked up the sound of it falling. Picked up the hitch in Anna's breath.
"You...didn't have too," she mumbled, fingertips lightly resting on the heart.
Elsa swallowed, blue eyes wide. "Well, I wanted to," she mumbled. "That's something that happens on anniversaries right? People give gifts to each other." Her parents had done that. Had she made a mistake somewhere along the line?
"That's not how things always are Elsa."
Her mother's words echoed in her mind.
Anna nodded absentmindedly, letting out a noncommittal noise. She traced a finger along the necklace, teal eyes dazed. Her lips curved down. Briefly.
Elsa felt her insides being squeezed.
"You don't like it."
Anna jerked her head up, broken from her trance.
"Huh?" she croaked.
Something—fear?—was evident on Anna's face for the briefest of seconds.
She couldn't stand it.
"E-excuse me."
She couldn't keep the tremor out of her voice. Goosebumps lined her flesh and a wave of nausea hit her straight in the gut.
Anna jumped in her seat, worry flashing in her eyes. She tried to clutch at Elsa's hand, but the blonde was already standing. "E-Elsa?"
"I just—" Elsa's chest felt tight and her breath hitched painfully "—need to be excused."
She didn't wait to hear Anna's response. The redhead was moving out of her seat just as she exited the kitchen, arms wrapping around her torso.
Elsa hurried to the bathroom as fast as her legs could take her without making the shake and tremble of her limbs obvious. A ringing—a loud, horrible ringing—pierced her ears and made her blood race faster. Her lungs fought for oxygen as she slipped past the door and shut it. Her pulse spiked when the slam of wood echoed.
Her hands shook as she rummaged through the cabinet, heart leaping into her throat.
"Where is it?" she hissed to herself, sweat beginning to dot her forehead. Her chest tightened and several bottles clattered to the floor. She gasped and stepped away, breath catching. Her hands trembled violently and she felt a crawling sensation upon her skin. "No, please," Elsa whispered to herself. Tears stung and pricked the corners of her eyes. "Not today."
Her heart continued to pound in her rib cage, pulse steadily increasing. Her lungs expanded and strained for air.
My medication's in my bedroom.
Her knees weakened when the thought shot through her brain.
Of course.
Of course she had forgotten.
Panic squirmed and traveled through her body, clawing at her insides as her breathing grew more and more irregular. The ringing was now a roaring in her ears and cold sweat lined her back. Elsa stumbled to the door, eyes growing wide with fear as she leaned against it. Her dress—the simple white one she had picked out in the hopes that today would have turned out better, the one Anna had said she looked gorgeous in—crumpled as she slid down to the floor.
Tears flowed down her cheeks, burning a path along her skin as she tried to control her breathing. One, two, three, she tried to count, clamping a hand over her mouth to muffle the sobs rising in her throat.
One, two, three.
Her fingers trembled as she pressed them hard against her quivering lips, trying to shut down the messy noises.
This was all so stupid. I knew today wouldn't go well. I should have canceled the whole thing.
Elsa sobbed loudly into her hand, pulling her knees close to her chest.
But I wanted so badly for this to be different.
She shut her eyes tight, feeling everything in her shake.
Knock-kno-knock.
Every nerve in her body grew taut and the panic clouding her mind spread like wildfire.
"Elsa?"
No. Please, no.
"Are you okay?"
I don't want you to see me like this.
The idea of Anna seeing her now paralyzed her. Made her blood run ice cold.
"I, er. I wanted to apologize..."
Elsa whimpered and buried her face in her knees.
You've done nothing wrong. Why are you blaming yourself?
The guilt cut deeper and she cursed herself.
"I love it. I really do! I was just shocked is all."
Her chest heaved and her throat hurt from constantly trying to take in air.
"Please just say something. Elsa, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you, I—"
God, she didn't want to be seen like this. Not a mess of limbs and tears sprouted on by illogical thoughts and reasons.
"—Elsa, you're scaring me! What's wrong?! Please, talk to me. Won't you come out? Please? I-I don't like it when you're upset. I—"
Elsa sobbed again and tried to force words out.
"Go away Anna."