Lutz had a lot of issues. He didn't even know where half of them came from. They popped up and didn't leave. In the end they warped his personality to be the kind of person he is now. The people around him could see it. Luciano and Kuro for some reason stuck around, and Klaus dealt with him more than wanted to be near him on most days. He would mind more if he didn't agree with them. He didn't want to be around himself either.
Though not usually one to be self deprecating, the negativity slithered in more and more often than he would really like. A bad habit of sorts that didn't really rear its ugly head until a few years ago. It seems like so long ago, so long since he didn't hate himself for any dumb reason like the emotions that seemed hell bent on ruining him.
With a kind of carelessness that looks easy but is entirely forced on his behalf, Lutz leans back in his chair and spreads his legs wide in a comfrotable position under the table. He is too conscious of not bumping the person next to him, pointedly ignoring with all of his mental strength the annoyed and yet concerned look they give him.
Just a few years ago he would do so with reckless abandon, probably starting some sort of fight with his desk partner but it's all different now. He's not sure how to feel about all his scrappy friends now on their best behavior but he can't blame them. He's been walking on eggshells and for no discernable reason in his mind and yet he still plays along to the lingering conscious voice that tells him to step up his act.
The meeting drags in so many ways. He's surprised he hasn't fallen asleep yet, but then again, he has been sitting in a straight position for most of it. A record if he's been keeping track but he hasn't. Now that he's slouching in his favorite meeting position, the likelihood of sleeping is more a possibility. He won't though, there's no way he could.
Still he yawns and rolls his shoulders for any kind of simple stretch he can get after sitting in the same spot for almost 3 hours. He rubs a hand at his face and takes a risk to look beside him. His heart thumps loudly once and his eyes snap right back to the papers scattered hazardously on his side of the desk. Perfect and prim Ludwig's are in neat piles on the other side.
A few years ago Lutz wouldn't have given a shit about how he looked or how he acted or what most of the others thought about him. His entire outlook crumpled up and got thrown in his face when Ludwig stood before him. Every strand of hair in its proper place and a suit pressed in all the right places. He stood as a staunch reminder of everything Lutz is not.
It made him tear his hair out. Maybe he tried once or twice to be good and helpful to his fellow allies but in the end he couldn't do it. That's not who he is and yet Ludwig managed to be such so easily. Committed and on time and a leader and helpful, resourceful. Lutz takes a deep breath to not let his face get screwed into such a nasty expression.
Though he wishes he didn't, he snaps his eyes down to the soft hand on his shoulder when it's placed there, his eyes then going up to Ludwig who has a crease in his brow. There's a silent questioning of if he's okay and Lutz does what he does best. He shrugs off Ludwig's hand like an asshole and waves him off with a small scowl to get that perfect kind of attention off him.
He forces himself to keep his eyes down until he can't feel Ludwig staring at him anymore. The muscles in his jaw tighten at his own pathetic actions. Maybe if anyone else did so he could deal but he feels terrible when Ludwig cares for him. He's not the worst sure, but he surely isn't the best person to be spending time one. Ludwig has so much other stuff to do and Lutz does not want to be another lame being for Ludwig to be looking after.
Yet it's all he wants to be. He likes it when Ludwig pays attention to him and flirtatious comments want to spill from his mouth. The fear of being rejected burns bright. He's not worth Ludwigs time and he knows it hard.
He gives in and closes his eyes, listening but not watching the rest of the meeting. His mood has soured as much as he didn't want it to. Just another thing to add to the ever growing list of things Ludwig can do better than him. He can feel the tension in his eyebrows grow as he thinks. The worst part not even being that Ludwig is better, it's the confusion that comes with it.
He never felt this way about others that were better than him, he just worked hard to get to that point of being better himself unless he didn't really care. Ludwig surpassed him and he can't seem to find a flaw. In the end, he doesn't want to either. That's the frustrating part that keeps him scowling late into the night. Maybe he'd feel better knowing Ludwig isn't exactly perfect, but he doesn't want that. Ludwig doesn't deserve that.
He can never be sure if he's envious of his counterpart or jealous. He sure hates not knowing if it's a crush or any other stupid romantic emotion. He doesn't get the feelings and that's annoying.
He thought he had romantic interactions before. That debacle with Luciano which ended in more scars than it was worth sure felt like romance in a sick sense. Maybe it hadn't been explicitly romantic, but it felt close. Then the flings with the others, those he knows are more lust filled. These nagging feelings for Ludwig are more than those, a confusing mix of the two and then some. An emotional bag he does not want to carry more than he has too.
The meeting ends and instead of cleaning up decently Lutz scoops all the papers into his case with a swoop of his arm, crumpling some and folding others. It's a problem for future him. The now him is slinging the case over his shoulder and walking out of the hall with the rest of the throng of people.
It happens every meeting that those confusing thoughts are coming at him, now more than before. He blames Ludwig for exisitng in the first place. If they never knew each other he could go on with his life but he can't anymore. Still unsure on if he's okay with that.
In the hotel room he shares with his brother he throws off his shirt in exchange for a grubby tank top and some black sweat pants. While the other nations are hiding in their rooms and changing themselves, he passes the empty hallway to the small gym the hotel has to offer. Decent more so since the place they are staying is more high class than others the nation of America has to offer.
Instead of working out right away like he originally intended to help distract his thoughts he ends up sitting at the barbell with his hands on the bar ready to go but not moving. His distraction plan backfired and now he's too distracted by thoughts of Ludwig to actually continue with his plan.
He's never been overly cross with Lutz, maybe peeved but not mean. It makes Lutz scrunch up his nose. His own actions towards his counterpart are lowly compared to the reverse. Another reason why negative thoughts pester his brain. His initial reaction is to be nice, then his own negativity drowns him out, and he's left with angry remarks that are nothing more than his own confused babbles. With a groan his slides out from under the bell and drops his head to his hands, the blonde curls on his head tickling his fingers.
"Sup fucker?" Lutz drags his hands down to semi-glare at Zao plopping down in front of him on the floor without a care in the world. His eyes are red streaked and the jacket over his shoulders tells he just came in from outside. Lutz isn't dumb enough to believe Zao to be sober.
"You look tired," Zao goes on unprompted. Lutz rolls his eyes, the small distraction from his own head giving him the ability to slide back under the bar and start a slow and steady pace of pushing the weights up and bringing it back down.
"What's on your brain?~" Zao sings like a child and skips around the machine to be closer to Lutz's head. Lutz glares at him and Zao makes a face back. Eventually he sighs and answers just a little unkindly.
"Ludwig," He says honestly, seeing no point in lying to the pot head. Zao hums dramatically and rests his head on a hand to still be staring at Lutz with a fake innocence.
"You got a crush on your other half like the rest of us?" Zao asks him and Lutz slams the bar down back into its holder with just about as much force as he meant to. He sits up when he can to glare at Zao for his bold and correct question.
"What?" Is all he says back. Zao 'pffts' and waves his hand, falling back to stare at the ceiling. He doesn't answer just keeps waving his hand, lost in the way it's moving. He thought he was the only way to feel like that, but Oliver's freak out a year ago and Zao's words reconfirm he's not alone. He's not sure if that helps his feelings at all. So he grits his teeth and swivels to be able to kick Zao not as harshly as he could. Zao swats at him.
"You do, hah," He laughs and Lutz kicks him harder.
"It's not my fault," He grumbles, running a hand through his messy hair. It's no one's fault though he could make an arguments that it's Ludwig's for being too perfect. Zao sits up to rest on his elbows, waiting and quiet for Lutz to continue on. And he does.
"He's just so perfect I don't get it!" He begins to rant, spilling all the thoughts he's kept in his head. Zao listens without a word.
"It's so damn humiliating being next to him, compared to him, doesn't it make you feel like shit?" He suddenly turns to Zao who blinks at him with a glossy look in his eyes. New frustration takes place as he realizes he's being honest to someone who can't fully comprehend him since they aren't sober. He stands to go back to his room, forgoing the workout entirely.
"Nah I've never felt better," Zao tells him and Lutz has half a mind to really kick him.
"I mean sure I'll never measure up but dude, Yao like me," Zao snickers into his hands and somehow clambers to his feet without help. He slings and arm over Lutz. Begrudgingly Lutz helps him back through the halls to his room.
"I mean, he could be with anyone, but he likes me, that old man sees something worthwhile in me ahh," Zao bubbles back into a laughter with the grossest smitten smile on his face that Lutz has ever seen. Yao accepts Zao easily when Lutz knocks on their shared door, smacking Zao on the back of the head while he's at it.
Sadly, the druggie's words stick in his head and Lutz mulls them over with more care than he feels like he should. Still, Ludwig does care for him, sees something worth caring for. He's got a stupid plan by the time he gets back to his room. Klaus is already on the couch. His brother signs out a quick hello and Lutz flops on the floor next to where he's working.
"Could you, help me tomorrow?" He asks quietly. Not making fun of him, like he never does like Lutz for some reason expects him too, Klaus agrees with a smile. Lutz doesn't delve further into his plan, just accepts the gentle pats on his head like a child from his older brother and tries to not talk himself out of his plan until the next morning.
In the end he stomps back to the living space and can't keep his mouth shut on how much he might actually like Ludwig and how it's confusing. Klaus encourages him with a knowing smile and manages to push him to bed with a better plan that he's sure will work because Gilbert tells him it will.
AN: I hope you all enjoy this addition to the Infatuation series~