Sweet Escape
"He's so stiff, but he's good with a manic fear. I had to pull a couple of them off the ceiling."
"So he coddles them."
"Not really. Some of them seem to be afraid of everything, I would swear only half of them are worth it." Jen drops back her drink and taps the bar for another; she must really hate this group. "I feel like they are being raised like pampered babies."
"Anyone interesting?" Her mouth gets loose after a few, knowing what buttons to press, and having seen into the deepest parts of a mostly innocent mind has its perks.
"Nothing really. Some weird Amity crap, but she's a bit stoic. Amity are always hard, their brains are bathed in that serum for so long, they fear actual feelings like fear itself." She sips this one, shaking the ice against the glass. "I mean, that girl liked cutting, herself though. Like pain was her weapon to control, against what I don't know. I thought Amity didn't allow shit to happen there."
"Who?"
"Jules, she was second in the chair today." She finishes this one, turns the glass over, and slides off the stool. "Going to the fights tonight?"
"Naw, I got drills tomorrow." Liar, but she buys it. Breaking my routine with her, she not the jealous type, but I'll pay for it later. I want to go hunt for her, for Jules. First time out in the chair usually has them drinking to no end, or beating the shit out of a bag, either way both extremes. Empty hallways and dead ends, an empty dorm bed. My frustration rising, for what reason, I still can't pinpoint. Maybe within myself, trying to prove I'm a leader, instead of assuming I can. The climb being much harder with watchful eyes, instead of being backed by confidence. My own questions of Amar's supposed death, I can't press further. I know its a bigger web, protecting something I can't see, but him being gone is enough, enough for old leadership getting soft of what it means to be Dauntless. I feel like I am faced with the beginnings of a new order, a choice I will be forced to follow, walking atop a blade between right and wrong. If I don't question everything, what does that say about me, as a leader. Are we becoming compassionate for the few, but with no sense of bravery? Are we accepting cowardice, out of convenience? I get to be mad at myself, not having the answers I feel I should. But what is knowing without experiencing firsthand; so I'm going to go with my gut. Trust no one.
"You want to take a few of mine for sharp shooting, its stupid they sit there and wait, doing nothing?" Four's face thrust in front on mine, disorienting in a cavern of a hallway, already aimless in any direction.
"You are the last person I'm doing any favors, they are yours now to catch up. Worried a whole class will go down the drain on your name?"
"No." He rolls his eyes, annoyed. "I know they already were scored, but I have a few blanks. I figured we could give them a chance, I think 2 or 3 are better than eating a tank score."
My hatred for him, blurring my thoughts, almost seeing red. I am keeping my distance, letting him actions speak for themselves. My class so strong, almost ready for finals, I couldn't have asked for a better group. And then he had to get involved. We were pitted against each other during our time, I saw his anger, his conniving sense of control. He used it against me, I wasted time trying to flush it out of him. He is just like me, we are to sides of the same coin. I don't hide my hate, he hides it behind his Abnegation selflessness. I will call him on it every time.
"Fine, I'm not wasting my time on them, they shoot for themselves. Do you trust me to be honest?" Calm, controlled, stay controlled.
"Maybe, it doesn't mean anything to me though, its nothing if they tank."
"I'm on the roof before break."
"They will be there."
If that's all I have to deal with him, its enough for the next month.
I still need to see her, I am not done for the night. I know she is below the line, she will not make it to the end. I can not save Jules. Sweating, frustration, I'm not hitting my bed without knowing what is in her head, and mostly I need to clear mine. My favorite spot on the roof is my only sanctuary, quiet, still, alone. I think about life before the wars, the lake so full of water, I could skip a stone across the surface. I read an old book about a Dad and a kid skipping stones. Whatever that was, I would do it. But its useless to think that way. My life is not about joy, no one can assume otherwise. I know I will be used up like an old rag, and spit out just after I am useful. I signed up for this life. I still believe it will be worth it.
Stones scattering under feet, raged breath. I slight whimper broke my silence. I follow it to another level, closer to the back entrance everyone has experienced. She has propped the door with her boots, her legs swinging over the edge, over looking the vast fields. I smile slightly, finding what I needed.
"You have a habit of breaking rules about sneaking out." She shudders at my voice, more out of embarrassment of being found. She wipes her face with her sleeve, and starts to trying to stand. "You don't have to leave. I seem to find you alone, a lot." I give her time to collect her thoughts, yet she still doesn't say anything. "First time in the chair is the hardest." I finally get her to look at me, the glow from the glass ceiling makes her tears shimmer.
"I was fine with everything. I knew it wasn't real. I lost control, I thought I buried it far enough away that I would never find it anymore." She stops lets out a breath long and jagged. "Everyone thinks Amity is easy, hard labor, simple life. They break anyone who doesn't fit their ideal worker bee."
I heard rumblings about persuasive corrections, using late night digs and harvests as cover. Never thought it was real. It makes sense though, her scars. I thought the whips stayed in the barn with the horses. I can't pity her, this is a point where this fear will need to be dealt with, a spring board instead of bottling it up.
"I know I need to move on. I am away from that, away from everything he did to us. He can't hurt me, even if I don't make it, he will never control me." More of a declaration, but at least she said it, for herself.
"At least you aren't afraid of spiders," she laughs a little, I follow her lead. "Big hairy ones with lots of eyes."
"I used to name the tree spiders when I was a kid. They are harmless, even more harmless under your boot." Her tone changes, more relaxed, I find comfort in that. She shakes her head and laughs at a private thought, leaning back and crossing her legs. "I know where I am on the board. It's ok, anything is better than where I came from." She has a resolve about her that I am slightly jealous of, she isn't angry about it.
"Things change all the time, don't clock yourself out because of a bad day."
"I just don't want to get to attached. I want to get a few more tattoos before though, it's a tad addicting." She smiles, trying to find my face, seeing if I take it as a joke. I can think of little to say. It becomes quiet between us, but not an uncomfortable silence. My legs feel like they will give out, I find myself sitting beside her, but not remembering how I got there. I hear the echos and cheers from the fights under the glass, they are a reminder of what I still have to be a part of tomorrow. But if only for a while, I have the roof, with her, and every problem is underneath us. My hand finds hers, she doesn't pull it away.
"You know I couldn't shoot you, during war games." I curl my fingers around her, both our hands are sweaty. Her thumb circles a callous on my knuckle. "I should have never shown you that, I wouldn't hesitate for anyone else." I have to confess everything, I feel like our time is limited. I can't get attached, I hope she knows it. But we are alone, again. The world could collapse, and it wouldn't bother me right now. "I don't know what to actually tell you, I know what I'm supposed to be,...here, right now on this roof, I want to see you. Not a soldier, not a name on a board, just you." My words are failing me, if she can understand anything, this is just tonight. I can't give her more to have it ripped away. I need my walls to be so thick, impenetrable. I never expected a girl like Jules. I never wanted to need someone.
"I want to see you, I have never been afraid of you, I never want to be." She leans her head against my chest, the breeze blankets us with a coolness that makes her arms grip my waist tightly. "You know you are intoxicating". She inhales deeply, I do the same, I want to take in everything about her. She lifts her head, unblinking staring deep into me,"If only for now, it's ok". She closes her eyes, I taste her lips, salty from tears. Our tongues touch, and for the first time, fire ignites, electricity burns through my whole body. I never had this before, not like this, I fear never finding this again.
She wraps her legs around my waist, I move away from the gravel, she is pulling off my jacket, one arm at a time, I rip her buttons, my rough hands feel her hard body, the softest skin I have ever felt. I lay her softly down, belts are undone, she lifts off my shirt for me, I bite her neck, I feel a moan rubble in her chest, sweat dripping down my exposed back. She stops, and stares at my body in the glow from from glass, then kisses my chest, she is careful around a bruise, her fingers slide down down my front. She is beautiful, my mouth plunges around her nipple, her leg presses against me harder, we both are so hungry. I want to take it slow, feel the ecstasy of wet climax, savor everything, no regrets, no missing chances. I nibble her ear, my fingers find her so wet, she bucks at touch, I am so hard. Her wanting hands force me over, shes in control now. She drags my jacket and throws it around her like a blanket, the smell of us trapped by our heat is sweet. She licks my chest to my neck, she envelopes me with her sweet softness, our bodies finding rhythm, she is so tight. I don't want to hurt her, I doubt I'm her first, what do either of us really know about this. I sit up, going deeper than I could have ever imagined, her heels digging into back. I am on top now, she quivers at my fullness, climaxing with a soft scream. My hand over her mouth, her teeth, biting my thumb, then sucking it, pushing my brain over the edge. "Harder" she whispers, panting in my ear. I hug her deep, my hand against the small of her back, giving her everything of me, spilling over, almost agony that it ended. My body humming with energy, my brain drunk on it, Jules is beneath me, a primeval claim of her as mine.
We hold each other for a little while, our own heat keeping us temperate, slowing cooling back for our escape. She fits well in my arm, her hair catching the wind, it is so soft across my face. The echos of reality reminding us that tomorrow we will be what we were yesterday. I'm not letting go for now, she is almost asleep in my arms, and I want to race the sun to beat it cresting over the horizon.