Sleeves
The music wasn't load enough, the drinks aren't coming fast enough, I can't drown the thoughts. Guilt, I don't know. Maybe. Regret, not her, but everything else.
"Slow down, you're drinking me out of my stock. Shit's harder to come by." I reach over the bar and grab the bottle, staring him down, wishing Cree was here. He lets me alone, giving me a look of disgust, but he knows I can take him, so why fight a loosing battle.
I feel a hand rub down my shoulder, sliding to close to my chest, knowing who is it, gripping her wrist hard. She curls her fingers around my hand, almost enjoying it.
"You haven't been around much?" Sitting on the stool beside me, I see little of her face, but I'm not supposed to really notice that about her. "It wasn't the same, you bein gone so long." I let go, add more to my glass, feeling her fingers slide through my hair. I actually hate it, but I'm to far gone to react. "So you got the kids this week, I had a few in my shop. They look so young, I don't think I ever looked so young."
"You'd have to have innocence for that."
"Huh?"
"Nothing."
"All that leadership work have you stressed?"
"Sure, you could call it that." I load my glass again, she takes her finger and rims the bottle with her finger, licking off a drop from her finger tip.
"I could make you forget things"
"No."
"You used to be fun, Eric"
"I used to not care." I don't let her say another word, get my last swallow and slam the shot against the bar. I know a cracked it, my hand feels warm, I smell the copper of blood, but right now, I feel nothing. Not cold and controlling, not brave, not anything. I'm in my apartment, not sure how I got here, but all I know is I'm alone. Bitterness creeps in as the liquor swims deeper around my head. Blame drifting into my thoughts, because they will kill her, I will feed her to them. It's all their fault. The floor feels good with my back against the wall, the knives left in my pocket seems to fly in their own into the wall, I thought I was a better shot, but I don't have any more anyway to find out if I could beat Four, cuz he slipped me out by a hair last year. The rain started, the lightning is the only thing I need. The wetness hits me through the open window, my face is hot and dripping, I hope its from the rain..
8*8*8*
"Come on, wake up." Light is hitting my eye lids, I don't have the ability to absorb it yet. My mouth so dry, I don't think I can talk, so whoever that is, better not be trying to kill me, I just might let him. "Eric, drink this", a cold bottle thrust into my hand, still sprawled out on the floor, fitting gravity. "I'll see if I can slip those little green pills from the infirmary, those might my you a human being again."
Moving took to long, but sitting up to the already to hot morning was enough torture for anyone, then having Four dragging my ass out to the day ahead. The cut from the glass last night finally reveled itself, caked in scabs and dried blood. I go to wash it off, still finding my baring while hearing Four go through my drawers. Why he keeps helping me I'm not sure, his Abnegation is showing, I say nothing.
"Damm, that looks bad, interesting evening?"
"Wouldn't you like to know," I head to my cabinets for wrap and gauze, he still is meandering, at the point of annoying. "Don't you have initiates to rank?"
"Last day of fights, you weren't at the bags during warm ups, figured I'd see if you were at the loosing end of something."
"I got time, I'll see you down there," pretty much pushing him out the door. Him being here is a tad surprising, I don't think much beyond that as I finish my morning. I know I am going to see her, today there are no divisions, no pillars to hide behind.
Some of the trainers are getting last bits in, they also know the weight of this day. I see Jules working on a bag with another initiate, the same from the train. She added a tattoo to her shoulder and down her arm, liked she promised herself. She looks tired. They begin smiling about something, something private, not showing how heavy of a day they all have. Her eyes lost something I can't put my finger on, what ever it is, I'm sorry its not there, like this place is sucking the life out of her.
"So Eric, how do we pick today, roll of the dice?"
"You decide first, and then we see." They begin to gather to look at the board, all remaining name are in order, but no line today, they know that gets added before the third round, anything can happen, and I hope for her, it actually does.
"Who ever remains standing wins, we are conceding, but remember that its a ranking fight", Four started it for me.
"Or is knocked out, we won't stop it." He eyes me, wanting to protest, but its the last one, why not make it interesting. Little does he know I'm hoping for a little brutality to go a long way.
"Tanner!" His frame is large, new muscles that are defined but not part of him yet. He is not intimidated, but I think I can do better.
"Shea," I know he's smart, he will keep it quick, solid. This won't take long. They size each other out, Tanner throwing and missing, Shea eats that right up. A few more body slams and they are out of the mat. "This is not a cat and mouse game!," cheers and hisses ripple through the rest of them watching. Knuckles are already split. It starts to feel like a night fight, with a matched pair. "Is that how you want to be remembered Shea?" And with that, a series get Tanner near the corner, and few blows and his arms goes up.
"Conceding? Is that how you want to go out soldier?" Four had some push in his voice I didn't know he had. I look at Shea, just starting to break a sweat, like he would be ready for another round. Tanner's face a bloody pulp, he knees the mat with his hand up, getting dragged off by trainers. He was int he middle of the pack, he may be may first notch to save her.
"Next, Eric draws first."
"Fine, Tifft!" He makes his way up, he almost stretched his tank to ripping, but his legs seem under developed for his frame. Anyone with thought would use that to their advantage.
"Jules, next" I heard her name repeat in the echo of the room, her eyes immediately find mine. I try to remain unreadable.
I watched her start to sweat long before the fight started. She learned to fight her fight, her size made her nimble, if she was smart enough, she would disorient Tifft. He could have killed her with the right blow, he knew it, I knew it. But she is going to fight to survive this round, Tifft loosing would do nothing more than hurt his own pride. He's in the middle and safe.
I heard the cheers start, pumping up their mates. Other mats seems to stop their own spars with the commotion. I could see how bad her bruises were, with her back to me. The look on Tifft's face was more of guilt than readiness.
"Same rules apply", Four starts it for me. Tifft swung first as I knew he would, she got under his arm with a quick knee to the ribs, a backhanded elbow to his back had him over her knee and on the ground. She knew to duck before he fell.
"You let that little runt win, you might as well be factionless Tifft" I heard my voice echo back, a few Dauntless born eyes turn my way, but little do they know I don't mean it. I would be the bigger idiot sending him out.
That move of hers had her facing my corner of the room, the over head light washing her face out, the shadows under her eyes. Tifft waits for her this time, they dance, claiming the circle as if more ground will actually mean something. Blood drips from her nose, even though I didn't think her got her face yet. A slight falter in her step, and Tifft is all over it, pinning her to the mat.
"Come one Jules, get back up" one of her friends breaks protocols and gets on the floor next to Jules, who seems to be withering on the mat. Tiffts finds my face with fear in his eyes.
"Eric, I didn't hit her that hard."
Four breaks through first, pushing his group out of the way, I start heading near as well.
"20 laps, all of you, now get out of my sight!" I hear groans as my group leaves.
"I said go-" to get a few a Four's moving out of the way. They scrawny kid is next to Jules, I don't even give him a chance to say anything, yank him by his shirt "Do you want to see the Chasm for yourself!"
He finally comes to his senses and runs towards the others.
I finally get to Jules, Four has her rolled on her back. Her eyes closed, blood still dripping out her nose. I tapped her face, to get her out of it, her head rolls to the side. I lay my hand on her cheeks and feel the burning.
"God Four, shes burning up. " We both look at each other, he hollers for a medic. Four starts hitting pressure points, hoping pain can pull her out. I find her heart beat, the fear leaves me of not finding one. Its faster than it should be, but its there. I move to her head, keeping it steady with my hands behind her neck. Her hair is so soft, her skin like silk in my rough hands. I can't let myself get intoxicated. I slight moan escapes her lips, her eyes flutter slightly.
"Hey Jules, come on, wake up. You didn't get hit that hard, this is not the way to get out of laps" his calm demeanor pulls at a tad bit of jealousy, his ability to control.
"Look at me Jules, open those eyes more," I feel her twist more in my hands, her face scrunches, tears drip down her face, wetting my thumbs "It's going to be ok, relax"
Four snaps his head around to me, with a strange look on his face. "Cracking that hard edge of yours huh?" I glare at him briefly, not the time, dick…
"I'm so sorry, don't send me out now, I can get back up, I need more time…" trying to catch her breath, crying, shaking, blood down her mouth, not sure if it's from her nose.
"Shhhhh, just breathe, we are going to get you looked at, you are in no condition to fight. Save it for another day. Look at me Jules, you need to stay awake, until the medic get here. Focus on me" her eyes met mine. Unfocused, heavy lids drifting downward, a sudden calm, her body relaxes, what she's fighting is winning, Im not sure if anything is helping. "Stay awake soldier…" I notice more blood dripping out of her mouth, sweat covering my hands. The medic finally come and take her, not fast enough if it were up to me.
Four and I were left to act as if nothing happened, mats were getting cleaned, they would be done soon with their filler run. It would be just another body count to the rest of them.
"So what was that?" he pushes my shoulder and turns me around, face to face. My immediate need to not answer him probably isn't the smartest. "Is there something between you and Jules?"
"Damm Four, I'm not the mechanical heartless ass you make me out to be most of the time." We are still in each other faces, a little more tension than there should be. "She's out, so what it to you?" He steps away, saying nothing, leaving me to speculate whats really going on inside his head. The sound of running footfalls rushing towards us breaks any chance for him to pursue me further. This morning finishes exactly as I figured, adding Ash to under the line, she fell to Zarah, still on top. I didn't loose anybody worth a dam, I have 5 new names to give to Max, and so far Jules is not one of them.
"Dauntless born, which should be the last time I ever say that you, take the afternoon. Clear your heads, tomorrow is Stage 3, the final bridge to cross, the final stage. Prove to them you have tools to be fearless and brave. I know you all can. Rest. I will see you tomorrow, Quinn will start first, the rest check the boards for your times." My groups leaves, and if history plays itself right, they will live tonight like there's no tomorrow. The fear of not knowing the end all still weighs heavy even at the top. I'll turn a blind eye tonight.
I head to the Ward, they should know something by now about Jules. Initiates are handled quick, why waste the time when most the end up here are flushed out. A slight flutter in my chest, I wouldn't call it worry. The section is full with some other knock outs, stitches and broken noses, but a general calm pulls some of it away.
"Eric, are you in for yourself?" A nurse, a tad to perky for all her dark clothes, face seems familiar. "Your hand, let me see it."
"No, its fine. I had a few come down here today, last fights."
"Some are ready to go."
"What about the one that was transported?"
"Oh, Jules. Doctors in with her." She goes back to her tablet, heading towards Tanner, laid out with ice on his face.
Her secluded area is surrounded by glass walls, they stripped her down to a issued grey gown. They cleaned up the blood around her mouth, she still covered in sweat. She under a few monitors, not usual for fight injuries. A doctor is injecting her through tubes, a nurse beside him, they both watch the heart rate. Another dresses something around her arm, her leg lifted on a pillow, a nasty cut I never noticed getting scraped and cleaned by fourth. I stand in the door, no one notices me. She is still not covered with a blanket, and that's all I want to do for her.
"You're her trainer?" A nurse grabs my attention, I'm a bit at a loss of words.
"Sure, yeah."
"She got lucky, those cuts were pretty deep, developed sepsis. Haven't seen that except at med school. But it should clear up with what we gave her. Back at it in 2 days latest."
"Good," not like I can do anything else but stay at the door.
"You need to watch more for stuff like this, if she was down here getting those looked at, this never would have happened." It's more on opinion, directed harshly. She must have passed at an easier time, forgetting some are factionless.
"I'll share that with the other trainers." I fold my arms, the area making me shiver. They still haven't covered her yet, its folded at the end of the bed, she looks like she's cold. They finally tie off the dressings, the doctor seems satisfied with whatever he was watching the monitors for. The doctor approaches me, his Erudite colors under the white lab coat. He checks his tablet before saying anything. He has a kind face, probably assigned here by drawing a short stick. He'll most likely see to much of our barbarian ways and split after a short stay like many before him.
"She'll be out for a while, the fever is pretty bad. I had to call central to get the right drugs for this. If she was a member I might even want to transfer her. But I can't make that call." A pause waiting for me to counter that, but I don't give in. "She'll be fine here. Hopefully back to the dorms in 24hrs."
"Fine," I have to keep my cover of indifference. It's my job to check, to report, to figure where they fit in line. I bury anything else deep for now, so no one sees. He dims the lights, not sure if its my signal to leave or to stay for her sake. He eyes me quickly, slides the door closed; I'm on the other side of it, alone with her, like so many times before. She still looks cold, I drag the blanket up to her waist.
This room is so quiet, I can hear her breathe over my own heart beat. No one knows I am here, I am left with my own thoughts which is never good, not now, not ever. All I can think of is how I am failing her. If she could finish, then what, find out how Dauntless is not the place for long term relationships. That I have a collection of flings with no attachments, and liked it that way for so long. And for those that do find that one, don't last that long, getting hurt, getting flushed out. It's better to not be anyone's other half, it doesn't hurt so much. I watched my parents for years, even in Erudite they couldn't get it right. So why try it here?
Because very moment we had meant something, holding her hand on the roof the first day, to that night, it was worth something. She could find that again, being factionless. Someone would love her, protect her, hide in the outskirts, live a long life. Would that make her happy, would that be enough? It could be, for me, to know she was alive, living a life I can not give her. Would I be brave enough to go with her, or am I now playing the roll someone designed me to play? I know what I'm doing tomorrow, gathering 5 that won't make it to the final stage, adding to the list of pawns Jeannine has wrapped around her finger. And what will Max do if I walk away from it all, hunt me down, kill me himself? I doubt it, but do I dare to try?