Knowing the Consequences

The knocking of the door didn't wake me out of anything, the balcony was my solstice, the concrete my bed. My lights off, just the moon highlighting the broken silhouette of a city I thought I belonged. If 6 hours passed since leaving Jules at the ward, time had slipped by without me noticing. Th person on the other side of the door coming for me before sunrise meant only one thing. I turned the knob, feeling the barrel tick, my hand heating the metal, every muscle protested pulling it open.

"One of yours, Ash, jumped in the Chasm." Brett looked stone cold, as if having to tell me was a chore. He probably found her after coming in from overnight tour.

"Still being handled?"

"Yeah, she didn't use a rope, just gravity." His eyes saddened, he turned his head away. It must have been a brutal sight.

"I'll be down, thanks"

I watch him leave, focusing everything on what I need to do next. Ill let Jen say the Words, most likely at break. The walk to the Chasm was quiet, silent enough to hear the constant drip of water that I usually tune out. A trainer had laid her out, blood covering her face and clothes. The disjointedness of her form made her legs twist, her boots were still on. The amount of blood on the rocks meant her heart was beating for a while, and with that thought, the idea she endured that fall, even if briefly churns my stomach.

"Anyone with her on surveillance?" I have to make sure, she was under the line, so it wouldn't make sense.

"We got no one. Just her" from a voice I know, his body completely in shadow. The glow from his terminal board does little to light his face.

They finally cover Ash with a cloth, I swallow the idea I pushed her to this. She would have been mentally vulnerable, no matter how good she thought she was with a gun. She chose to go like that, and if she decided to do it that way to add more meaning, its to her own suffering that she will be wrong.

I leave them to the clean up, down the hall to the ward. I have time prior to morning finals. Max has my list. They will be asked to pack before the test. Jeanine will have them transferred before the mid day break. The next time I see them, they will be drones, emotionless killers at the whim of a button. This morning could change everything, for me, knowing she would be next in line to get sent. She would be allowed back in the for finals if she will meet all the medical guild lines to continue training. My hope for her will be a fleeting whim, like a child in a story, wishing for a happy ending.

The steel door to the ward, already uninviting, swings with a creek, the unwanted announcement of my arrival. All the beds that were filled the day before were empty, it was quiet, only one nurse at the station. With one glance, I could see her moving, dressing in the shadow of a drawn curtain in the glass room. The sun filling her space. I slide the door without knocking, Jules keeps dressing, putting on her socks.

"Going down yesterday, you aren't supposed to scare me like that." She finally glances up, her eyes red, her face lacking color. She looks as though all her energy is being spent tying her shoes.

"Didn't do me any good trying to suck it up and deal." She has a resolve that is still powering through everything, she knows she will be factionless, but giving it a good end leaves her without regrets. I watch her gather her bag, not much left in it. She looks like she wants to ask me something. I don't have it in me to bring up today, tomorrow, or anything about the future. I'm lying to her not telling her she may be part for something must worse than factionless. I can't bring myself to even say anything.

"So, this is it I guess. I had a note to pack up everything, not that I had much anyway.

"Everyone does, the dorms are empty by tonight."

"I'm slotted for the afternoon, will you be there?"

"I'm there for all of them."

I slide the door shut, and walk toward her bed. Our hands intertwine, hot tears fall through my fingers. She leans into my with her shoulder, feeling her ragged breath, as her body shudders. She feels small in my arms, and for a fleeting second, I could have picked her up and walk out of there, out the back. No one would know for a bit, no one would be looking. But in the end, it would kill us both. So I hold her, through the hurt, that's all I can do.

"I'm sorry, I know you have to go." She finds a towel and fixes her face, maybe hoping I would slip away so she wouldn't face me again. I can't move because I don't want to. But to be fair to Jules, if fairness is going to be brought into this, it all ends now.

"You were cleared to go for finals?"

"Yeah, its all mental, I got that in droves I guess."

"Ok," if I said any more I would be lying, I don't want disappoint her. We keep our distance, but our eyes meet, and if frozen for a moment, I capture everything about them. Every detail, how dark they look,but the sun setting fire to bits of gold. I wonder what she sees in me, what she's seeing in my soul, seeing the part of me that I want to be real, and he part of that others assume I am. "Just be brave as I know you are."

"Ok." She holds her breath for a bit, her face goes stone cold. I see her shutting down, cutting me out mentally, shutting that door. I don't know if I ever will. She is better than me for it. Grabbing her bag, she turns to leave, watching her silhouette being the last part of her that gets to be mine.

My head shuts off for a bit, I hear words, I see faces, I could have walked in front of a train and I wouldn't have registered anything. I would have stayed there all day, until Max decided to break it for me.

"Your issue last night shuffled the list a bit. I took the next one down. They are ready for transport to the lab. We are listing them as factionless for the books." I am suddenly aware of everything in the hall. Max claps his hands as another gets up off the chair, as other do without enthusiasm, Jeanine and her entourage watching screens, other Dauntless leaders supposed to be doing the same. I know they are forced to be here, it all comes down to a numbers game, how many fears, how much time taken to conquer them.

I hope my face doesn't show my shock, an emptiness in the pit of my stomach burrows deep, I feel the blood drain from my head. She will die on a whim, and I am surrounded by the system that will do it. Too many secrets, too many layers, too many pawns. Names disappear off the terminal, from what I remembered from the night before. Another layer, another pawn to make those disappear. I wonder if she is struggling to understand why she is in a troop transport, if she is afraid. I concentrate on keeping my face unreadable, Jeanine glances my way depending on who's in the chair. There are no surprises, those who remain have passed and are ranked for position. There aren't any questions about the missing 5, as is they didn't exists. Four doesn't seem to acknowledge it either, but he is a hard read. Neither of us had a typical initiation, we have no precedence of normal, and I feel I am played to that as well.

The last wraps up without any fanfare, most leader leave, Erudite's presence lingers around Jeanine as a quiet conversation with Max continues into the hall. I want to follow, but I'm not sure if it is my place, even it was me who sent those to their death. If I have to own it, if it is their blood on my hands, I shouldn't be left in the dark. Jen grabs my attention, pulling me to the ranking boards for the last announcement, right before final dinner. The cheers echo through the halls, energy is radiating, relief and acceptance brimming out of the Pit. Twelve hours prior, Jen said the Words of bravery. Shame, pride and selfishness, we don't speak of, of waste and wanting, later on become sacrifice, selflessness, and duty. Was it all a lie?

What's in it for me now, the sacrificial heart?