Summary: Samus, Tifa, and Cloud try to help Link cure himself of his fear of a certain bird. It looks like all their attempts will be for nothing until Ganondorf of all people makes a suggestion.
Pairings: Link/Samus romance. Tifa/Cloud romance. Tifa and Samus friendship. Link and Cloud Friendship. Ganondorf/Bayonetta romance.
Link, the Chosen Hero of the Gods, was the epitome of the word valiant. He could take on demons of hell and terrible monsters out of nightmare with a smile on his face. He could travel to unknown lands and venture into trap infested temples with the utter assurance within himself of victory. His courage was infallible in all aspects except one.
Link, the Chosen Hero, had a mortal and complete fear of chickens.
You may laugh, but it was a real problem for him, especially with chickens being a useable item in Smash Bros. As soon as the villains noticed this fear of Link's they began to use it against him. (Except Ganondorf. While he despised the little e-word he was above such childish pranks.) It was getting out of hand, and the other Smashers were getting tired of finding chicken feathers everywhere. Since no one was willing aggravate ALL of the villains at once, they decided to cure Link of his fear of chickens. Chosen for the task was Samus, Link's girlfriend, Cloud, Link's rival and close friend, and Tifa, a guest of the Mansion and Link's friend by association.
The following are the attempts of the three valiant souls to help the Hero. Well, the ones that didn't end in a Category-5 Disaster according to FEMA.
(Samus's Attempt: The Coop)
"NO! NO! NEVER!" cried Link as he and Samus stood outside of Farmer Brown's chicken coop. "No amount of… ANYTHING! Nothing upon heaven or Earth will get me into that chicken coop with those demon spawn!" he cried aloud. Farmer Brown was starting to regret his decision to let the Smashers use his farm for this.
"Come on Link, just go in there for five minutes and I guarantee you'll be cured." She said trying her best to be diplomatic. She was seriously considering just throwing him in there with the foul, but that wouldn't do anything for her boyfriend. "Five minutes, I guarantee it." She assured him with as much kindness in her voice she could muster.
Link wasn't buying it. "I don't WANT to be cured Samus! I'm not sick! I'm right to fear these things. They're more terrible than any demon Ganondorf can conjure up! It's my way of staying alive, if you were smart then you'd fear them too!" he cried, hysteria in his eyes.
"Yeah… I'm gonna be needing an extra fifty for this." Said Farmer brown, wiping his brow. He looked like half of him wanted to laugh and the other half wanted to cry.
Samus sighed. Time to pull out the big guns. "Link," she said in a husky voice. "If you do this… I'll do that one thing you've always wanted me to do." She said with a wink, internally swearing to beat the crap out of her idiot boyfriend for driving her to this. But this phobia of his was just getting out of hand. He needed help, and Master Hand was not willing to dish out the money for therapy, so this was what they were going with.
Link's eyes widened as he stared at Samus for a long moment. "Princess Leia golden bikini?" he asked suspiciously. Samus nodded, trying her best not to throttle Link. Link gave a shuddering breath. "Alright, I'll do it." He said with as much bravery as he could, and promptly walked into the coop.
For thirty seconds there was nothing but silence from the coop. And then there was a chorus of furious clucking and Link screamed in horror. "AHH! THEY'RE GOING FOR MY EYES! DIN'S FIRE!" He screamed, and the coop was abruptly filled with fire. Samus stared, knowing Master Hand was going to have her ass for this.
(Cloud's Attempt: Chocobo Racing)
"Alright Link, we're going to have a little competition." Said Cloud as the two walked towards that chocobo ranch a few miles outside of Midgar. "Winner gets bragging rights and loser has to kiss Wario full on the mouth." He said with an evil grin. Both shuddered at that idea.
Link grinned. "Alright then spiky, what's the challenge, I'm perfectly happy to give you another beat down?" He said.
Cloud smirked. "Remember, by refusing to do this you forfeit the challenge and therefore have to kiss Wario full on the mouth. Backing out isn't an option." Said Cloud as Link's grin fell away and his eyes became suspicious. "I just want to make that clear, there is no way out of this." Said Cloud. "Because the challenge is…" he trailed off as he pushed open the stable doors. "…chocobo racing. From here to Midgar."
Link stared at the giant chicken creatures and promptly turned around before Cloud grabbed him. "No! No way in hell! I'd rather kiss Wario! Not this!" he cried as he struggled to get away from the ex-SOLDIER.
"Come on Link! Chocobo are literally the nicest creatures around." Said Cloud, redirecting Link and practically carried him into the stable. "They're docile and friendly. Nothing to fear. I promise." Said Cloud.
"LIES!" cried Link. "They're giant chickens! The devil's poultry! MOMMY!" cried the hylian in a girlish shriek.
Cloud set Link down outside a chocobo stall and held him in place. "Come on Link, just reach out your hand and you'll see. They're nice creatures, and you'll really enjoy riding one." Promised Cloud. Link gulped, but slowly raised his hand to the chocobo in the stall. Cloud grinned. The rancher here had assured Cloud that this chocobo was the most docile and easy-going of them all. No one, not even Link, could piss off this chocobo.
The moment Link's hand got within three inches of it, the chocobo squawked angrily and burst out of the stall at Link, its eyes blazing with fury. Link screamed and ran for it, the chocobo after him. Ironically, Link won the race, making it back to Midgar long before Cloud.
Neither Cloud, Tifa, or Wario were very happy about what followed.
(Tifa's Attempt: Baby Steps)
Alright Link. I know you've had some bad experiences over these past few days." Said Tifa as brightly as she could as Link clutched his anti-chicken charm to his chest and whimpered softly. "But, we're going to start small. Your problem seems to be with fully grown chickens, so we're going to start with baby chickens, easily one of the cutest things in existence." Said Tifa as they approached the little pen for chicks at the local Petting Zoo. It was owned by Farmer Bob, as Farmer Brown had refused to let any Smashers near his farm or property ever again.
Link looked down at the horde of baby chicks and gulped. "Well, I guess they are pretty cute." He said a bit reluctantly.
Tifa smiled. "Exactly. They aren't evil, they're just animals." She reached down and picked one up, holding it gently in her hands. "See, they're completely harmless." She said brightly. "Now, I want you to pet it." She said. At Link's expression the brawler sighed. "Just one finger, they don't bite." She said with infinite patience.
Link grimaced, but extended a hand to the chick, and laid one finger on it. The chick did nothing, it just sat there being a chick. Emboldened by his success, Link stroked the little creature with two fingers. "H-hey. I'm doing it!" he said brightly.
Tifa nodded eagerly. "See, they aren't so bad are they?" she asked. "Now, want to hold him?" she asked. Link's face was hesitant, but then he nodded. "Alright, now, I want you to-" whatever she was going to say next was lost as the minute she ceased contact with the chick the little creature flew up and attacked Link's face, going immediately for the eyes.
The Hylian screamed in horror and tripped, falling into the pen. What followed is still a viral video on YouTube and currently has four-hundred million hits.
For Tifa, she was rather confused and horrified. If she didn't know better, but after Cloud's story she wasn't so sure anymore, it looked like there was some kind of global conspiracy of chickens against Link. It was almost as though the chickens were… organized.
Cloud, Tifa and Samus had all been soundly defeated by Link's fear of poultry and the hero was currently hiding in his room within a fortress of pillows. They had exhausted their options and were being forced to take drastic measures.
"Well, well, well. You must be truly desperate, to come to me for help." Smirked Ganondorf as he sat across from them, Bayonetta next to him. "So tell me, is the little runt still having such trouble with poultry? I've seen the YouTube video, most entertaining." Laughed the King of Darkness. Bayonetta giggled as well, for the video had been most entertaining to watch.
Samus glared at Ganondorf. "Look Frankenstein, we're not here to make conversation. We need your help. We have an idea, but we need you and your witch here to pull it off." She snapped at Ganondorf.
Cloud grimaced. "But yeah, we are kind of desperate."
Bayonetta smirked. "Ah yes, but we must ask what we get out of this little arrangement. Dear Ganondorf is not in the habit of helping his mortal doe for free, nor am I." she said, stretching lazily, like a cat. Cloud fought the urge to look at her breast, mainly because Tifa was in the room and would murder him if he tried.
Tifa spoke up. "You get the hot tub to yourselves. For a whole week." Said Tifa. Needless to say, both were in after that.
(Group Effort: The Damsel in Distress)
"Link!" cried Tifa, jumping out at the young Hero on his way to breakfast. "Ganondorf and Bayonetta have kidnapped Samus! You've got to save her!" she cried theatrically, trying her best not to make the acting too obvious.
Link jumped in shock and horror. But before he could even react Tifa grabbed him and shook him hard." She's in there, It's all on you Link!" she cried, and promptly threw Link through a wall, leaving a Link shaped hole in the wall, a la Looney Tunes. Brushing off her hands Tifa walked away, her part done.
Dazed, Link stood and looked around, and promptly stared in abject horror. There, in the massive Smash Bros Gymnasium, was a giant black chicken. (Of course in reality it was simply made out of Bayonetta's suit and enhanced with some of Ganondorf's sorcery. Said witch was currently naked, much to the enjoyment of Ganondorf.) Link felt the incredible urge to urinate right then, but managed to hold it. For you see, Samus was also in the gym, tied up behind the monstrous beast.
"Oh… help Link… please help." Said Samus in a pained tone, hating having to play the role of damsel in distress. But she bore it, swearing to beat the crap out of Cloud for coming up with this asinine plan.
Link looked at Samus, then the chicken. He swallowed, and summoned his courage. He drew the Master Sword. For himself, Link was not afraid to run from chickens. But for those he cared about, when they were in trouble, he would face anything. That was what a Hero did. And Link was the very definition of a Hero.
With a war cry, he charged.
(Thirty Minutes Later)
Link was victorious, but had fainted dead away after 'rescuing' his girlfriend. Samus woke him. "Hey, Link." She said. "Look up, you did it. You s- sav- you *hack*" she said, unable to say it. "You... helped me." she finally managed to get out, looking sick.
Link got up groggily and looked at the dead 'chicken'. Then, a slow smile came over him. "I… I did it. I DID IT!" he cried in joy. "I'm not afraid anymore!" In joy he jumped on top of the chicken and struck a heroic pose. "I AM LINK! THE SLAYER OF-"
"Hey Link." Interrupted Master Hand over the intercom. "PETA is on the phone and are asking for you. And I think I can hear them lighting the torches."