Summary: After the events of "Cyberwoman" and "Countrycide", Ianto is left emotionally broken. Will Jack be able to put him back together?
Rating: M
Characters: Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness, Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Owen/Tosh
Warnings: Swearing, angst, suicide attempt, Gwen bashing
Spoilers: Cyberwoman, Countrycide
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just like to play with them.
TWTWTWTWTW
It was only a matter of time.
When Owen had come over to stay with Ianto while Jack hauled an unconcious Gwen to Flat Holm, he made sure to shoot the sleeping Welshman up with a sedative that was sure to keep him out for the night. Jack was hesitant, considering the fact that Ianto had only just woken up from a coma. But Owen assured him that it was harmless, adding that he'd rather not be the one to deal with a "pissed off tea boy" when Ianto awoke with his memories intact.
And then, just over 9 hours later, it happened.
As Jack was reviewing a report Tosh had sent over to him, he was startled out of concentration by sad, frustrated cries.
"No...no..."
Jack shot up from where he sat, as if on reflex, hurrying into the bedroom to find Ianto curled into a ball, crying and hitting his head with his fists.
"Ianto! Ianto, stop this!" Jack pleaded, grabbing Ianto's wrists so that he couldn't hurt himself anymore. "Talk to me, Ianto," Jack continued in a calmer tone, once the younger man had physically calmed.
"I remember," Ianto whispered, almost inaudibly, looking down at his fists; Jack still clutching tightly at his wrists. "I shouldn't...I..." Ianto buried his face in his fists, struggling to free himself from Jack's grasp.
"I'm sorry, Ianto." Jack gently placed Ianto's hands into his lap. As Ianto was still too weak to put up a fight, and too distressed to care, they went down easily. "I know that sometimes it's painful to live with the memories we carry, but Retcon is not the answer!"
Ianto looked up at Jack, his red, teary eyes flashing anger at the older man. "How...how...?"
"How did I know you were going to ask Gwen to Retcon you?"
Ianto nodded, looking more irritated than surprised.
"Well, I knew that Gwen was the last person you'd want to confide in after everything that's happened. You and Owen have had your issues, but he's been taking care of you all along, so I think some trust exists between you now. You and Tosh are practically best friends. As for me...I think you're warming up to me."
Jack grinned his blinding trademark grin. Ianto simply looked away and grunted.
Reaching behind the headboard, Jack pulled out the small bug he had planted there, showing it to Ianto. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't take any chances."
Ianto's eyes widened, blazing with angry betrayal. "You had no right...I...why...?" Struggling to find the right words, Ianto resumed hitting himself.
"Ianto." Jack once again grabbed the Welshman by the wrists, and this time Ianto looked up at him, furious. "I had to do it, Ianto! Gwen was going to take away all of your memories! You'd end up no more than an overgrown baby!"
"I don't care!" Ianto cried. "It's better...better..." Ianto cried out in frustration. It seemed that the more upset he got, the harder it was for him to express himself. "I'm suffering, Jack," he finally sobbed. "Better if...I die." Those last words were spoken with such sad defeat, Jack could feel Ianto's agony in his every breath. It broke his heart.
"That's not true, Ianto," Jack insisted. "We were wrong to take you for granted before. I was wrong! And if I -"
"No!" Finally breaking free of Jack's grasp, Ianto turned onto his side, his back to Jack. "You were always so cold to me. Why would you care now?"
Jack sighed, attempting to rub soothing circles on Ianto's back. But when Ianto bristled at the touch, Jack instead chose to put a steadying hand on his shoulder.
"I've always cared about you, Ianto. Why do you think I so activity pushed you away when we first met? You looked so dashing in your leather jacket and tight blue jeans. And when you came around with your amazing coffee? Oh, I was falling hard! But I kept you at a distance, because I was scared of what I felt for you. Finally, in the warehouse, when we captured Myfanwy, I surrendered to my feelings. But even after that, I avoided contact with you, apart from business and casual flirtation. Because I had come to regret hiring you."
Ianto snorted, and Jack was sure he must be rolling his eyes as well.
Choosing to ignore Ianto's attitude, Jack pressed on. "I regretted it because I'm in love with you, Ianto Jones! In all of my life, I've never loved someone as deeply as I love you! And when I found out about Lisa, I just..."
Jack stopped, noting that Ianto had starting shaking and sobbing softly. Without another thought, Jack got into the bed behind Ianto, embracing the crying Welshman, consequences be damned!
"I was jealous when I found out about Lisa," Jack explained. "And I was angry with you for hiding her. But that's no excuse for the way I treated you. I was cold and cruel, and I...I hate to think that played a part in you trying to take your own life."
Jack wasn't sure if he should be worried or relieved at Ianto's sudden silence. But he reminded himself that if he wanted to help Ianto, he couldn't be afraid of the truth.
Finally, after a few long moments, Ianto slowly turned to face Jack. "You're really in love with me?"
Jack nodded, brushing a tentative hand along Ianto's arm. "I am. And it terrifies me!"Ianto bristled slightly at the touch, closing his eyes and parting his lips; an expression that lay somewhere between longing and regret.
"I'm sorry," Jack apologized softly, pulling his hand away. "Perhaps I should have kept that to myself."
"No! No, it's...just a lot for me to process right now," Ianto admitted with an embarrassed smile. "I'm just overwhelmed is all."
"I understand," Jack said softly, before shifting to a less awkward topic of conversation. "Hey, would you like some yogurt? Owen says we can start you on soft foods now."
Ianto shrugged indifferently. "Sure."
With a tentative squeeze of Ianto's hand, Jack stood up and made his way to the door.
"Jack?" Ianto called after him.
"Yeah?" Jack asked, Turning around.
"I heard Owen tell you and Tosh..." Ianto looked down, his voice thick with hurt and betrayal. "Why didn't anyone tell me I have brain damage?"
Jack rushed back to the bed instinctively. Sitting down, he leaned over and gently cupped Ianto's face. "We were going to tell you, eventually," Jack told him. "We just wanted to wait until you were feeling a little stronger. But trust me, we would never keep something like that from you."
Ianto bit his lip thoughtfully, looking down. "I...how will it affect me?"
Jack sighed. "I think that's a conversation you need to have with Owen. But I can try and tell you what I remember from the information he gave me, if that helps."
Ianto nodded, waving his hand in a "go on!" motion.
Jack let one of his hands slide down into Ianto's, giving it a comforting squeeze. This wasn't going to be easy.
"Owen said you might have problems with speech and reasoning. And I hope you don't take this the wrong way, Ianto, but I'm already noticing that. Sometimes your speech is slow and slurred, and when you're upset, you seem to have trouble expressing yourself." Jack paused, watching Ianto look away, embarrassed. "Am I right about this?" he asked cautiously.
Ianto nodded. "Yes. I also have trouble following conversations that go too fast, or I lose words."
Jack smiled sadly at the younger man, admiring his courage. He knew it couldn't have been easy for him to admit his difficulties.
"How is your vision?" Jack questioned, running his thumb across Ianto's knuckles.
"I some...sometimes have trouble making things out," Ianto confessed softly. "My depth perception also appears to be poor. And I..." Ianto's voice trailed off, fear and shame clearly overwhelming him.
"Go on," Jack gently urged. "The more I know, the more I can try and help you.
Ianto looked up at Jack, anger once again present in his weary eyes. "If you truly wished to help me...I was supposed to die! Now I'm...I'm...Why didn't you leave me alone, like you always have?"
"I won't apologize for saving your life, Ianto!" Jack snapped. But with one confrontational glare from Ianto, Jack's eyes were once again haunted with a look of sorrowful regret, and his voice softened. "But I know that I played a part in driving you to do what you did. And, as I told you before, I am sorry for that." Jack gently tapped the Welshman's chin with his index finger, lifting Ianto's gaze to face him. "This isn't a death sentence, Ianto," Jack assured him. "You can still live and function in the world. You just might need to figure out some new ways to do it. And I'd like to help you with that...if you'll let me."
"I appreciate the thought, Jack. But you can't," Ianto said breathlessly, as he slowly sat up. "Torchwood is understaffed now. The Rift may have been quiet recently, but given it's unpredictable nature, it's not practical for you, or anyone on the team, to stay back and babysit me."
"Ianto, I'm hoping you can eventually come back - "
"I want that, too," Ianto interrupted. "But I have a long road ahead of me. I can...can learn to live with the brain damage. It won't be easy, but I'll manage. But my...my heart...it aches, Jack! After everything I've been through...This will take time! Torchwood can't afford to wait around for my recovery. You need to find some new recruits!"
"Ianto..."Jack began.
"If you want to help me, you need to find more people to help you. I'm not arguing this with you, Jack!" Ianto said decisively, and Jack's heart warmed at this glimpse of the no-nonsense Ianto he had known before everything fell apart.
Jack chuckled. "Okay, I will. You have my word. But first, I promised you a yogurt."
Ianto laughed softly; a sound that, to Jack's ears, was the most beautiful music!
"Jack?" Ianto called, grabbing the older man's arm as he stood.
Jack turned around. "Yeah?"
"About what you confessed to me earlier...we'll get back to that," Ianto said, the faintest of smiles crossing his lips.
"I'll look forward to that," Jack winked, eyes gleaming.