To the reviewer who asked for this (twice) I give you this chapter. Now I'll admit I knew little to nothing of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and, being the sort of author who strives to stay true to all characters, no matter the show, I looked it up. There's like two or three of them, actually - and an animated series! But I'm also quite lazy, so I simply watched what they had on YouTube. I apologize if it seems ooc for anyone. Again, this is a 67% crack story (give or take), so give me a little slack.

Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, and fave/followed! I love you guys! Special thanks to FancyCharmed for a great, long review! Here, have a cookie!

Charmed season - Anywhere from "Cat House" (or fith season) onwards

Charmed Character(s) - Piper, Paige, and Phoebe

Sabrina the Teenage Witch season - Nooo clue

StTW Character(s) - Salem (mentioned - Sabrina, Linen closet)

Disclaimer - I have never owned Charmed, darn it! And I'll never own Sabrina the Teenage Witch!

Charmed Meets Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Perhaps Piper ought to have been more concerned when a black cat fell from a dark and ominous hole, newly formed on her living room ceiling, and began to speak to her. In an annoyed tone, no less.

"So you're one of the legendary Charmed One's?...I've dealt with worse, I suppose." It's snarky, deep male tone reminded her of someone, she simply couldn't place it...

I should be worried about that. She thought, amused. Now a demon falling out of the sky would be something to leap off the couch and abandon her book for, or a warlock, or a banshee, or a vampire...but a cat? She was perfectly content, normal life cravings aside, to sit there with her book and stare at the sleek, amber-eyed animal.

"The name's Piper." She called, a smile on her lips. Aw, so she still lived with her sister (and half sister) and now she talked to cats – she had this crazy old-lady thing down pat.

"Salem." It – probably more of a 'he' – responded, his tone arrogant.

This was too good, the cat was just too cute and fluffy and –

"Paige! Phoebe! Get in here!" She called, not taking her eyes off of the animal. This had to be the funniest supernatural creature she'd encountered yet.

"Look, we don't have time for this." He snapped. The cat then proceeded to leap on onto her side table and begin to stare her down – like the fifteen pound furbag was gonna make her do anything besides burst into a tirade of "Awwww!"s.

"The universe is in grave danger," He began severely, although it was fairly hard for Piper to take a talking kitty-cat seriously.

Still, she stopped snickering when his the meaning of his words sunk it. The universe? In grave danger?

"What do ya mean?" She demanded. Luckily for the Halliwell, it was much easier for her to look intimidating; all she had to do was stand up, and she towered above him. And yet the cat had the last laugh. He was really snarky.

"You don't know? Really? Hah! I've thought it was really obvious."

"What's really obvious?" Asked Paige as she strolled in, probably on a whim rather than any response to Piper's call, evidenced by her unhurried footsteps and casual, almost uncaring tone. Piper mentally scowled, because, what if it had been a demon? Ugh. Sisters.

The footsteps stopped when she saw the mammal – the gasp started when the mammal opened his mouth and proceeded to speak fluent, disappointed English.

"And I was so counting on you to save us all." The cat let out a sigh (Piper and Paige exchanged raised eyebrows. They hadn't known felines could do that!) and rubbed a paw over his eyes like he was weary of their ignorance, or something. It was a true testimony to Paige's adaptability that the woman didn't ask a load of questions about the cat, and aside from the small gasp and widening of her eyes, she didn't really even act surprised. It was much appreciated.

"Come on, people, think. Anything odd, out-of-the-ordinary, unusual happen lately?"

Piper opened her mouth to say she hadn't lost her temper in a while (plenty weird, right?) then thought better of it. Probably not the answer he was looking for.

"Big, gaping holes, swirling vortexes into other dimensions, people!" He exclaimed after three seconds of letting them think. And really, it was fairly obvious.

Oh. That. Piper thought, feeling a little dumb.

"They've been popping up everywhere, leading anywhere, and sometimes even closing with someone stuck on the wrong side. This is very, very bad. And this is coming from someone tried to take over the world." He added, much to the girls displeasure.

"Wait a minute," Paige interrupted. "Are you an evil black cat?" She shot him an accusatory glare.

"Hey! I'm not a cat!" He protested. There was no indignation at the implication of him being 'bad', though. Hm...

The half sisters looked first to each other, and back to the feline with disbelief written all over their features.

"Oh yeah?" Challenged Piper. Quickly he jumped back in, amending his earlier statement in an annoyed grumble.

"Okay, I'm a cat, but only because I um, may have tried world domination. A little. So they cursed me to no magic, and life as a cat for a hundred years. Doesn't seem fair, does it?"

So he'd been a witch, too? The oldest Halliwell sister filed that away for future use.

"I mean, when you really think about it, it wasn't a fair trial at all! The wizard council was completely biased, you know – all of them hated my guts, I'm sure of it and when –"

"Salem..." She broke in. Wasn't there a universe to save? Hadn't he just stressed it's clear importance?

"Salem? Salem who?" Paige asked, confused.

Piper pointed to the animal on her table.

"Him, who. He's Salem."

"Oh! I get it, that's funny...Salem like that place...hah! That's ironic!"

"Really? I had no idea!" The cat replied sarcastically. Just as Piper was about to face-palm and sigh at the life she now lived, suddenly her middle sister's voice broke in with a apathetic, "Who has no idea about what?"

Phoebe strode in quickly, face practically buried in her purse as she scurried through the conservatory and past the cat. This was not strictly unusual, but Piper still felt compelled to ask. Big sister and all that.

"Where are you going, Pheebs?" She asked – and in a flabbergasted tone, too, talking cars be darned – because she'd just realized that her sister was dressed in a nice (cough respectable cough) blue blouse and belt, and a long, long black pencil skirt with tall heels and lots and lots makeup.

A second realization quickly followed. It was very illuminating.

"It's Saturday, you not going to work–" She gasped. "– Are you dressed like that...for a date?"

There was a bit of an awkward silence. At least it wasn't broken by the cat, of all people.

"Maybe." Phoebe finally said, albeit defensively. The eldest wasn't even sure why the empath bothered; the sisters always saw through each other like they were a thin glass.

"Who are you going out with, an office supply salesmen?" Paige snipped. The empath gave both her sisters the look – the look that said I-am-totally-mature-and-have-always-been-and-its-y ou-who-are-the-idiots-not-me. No one ever believed that look.

"Paige, that's not funny."

"Yeah – I'm not laughing." Salem broke in.

Instantly, the brunette shot straight up in the air and raised her legs to kick the mysterious voice, forgetting that she was in a tight pencil skirt at the moment.

"Who said that? Who's there?" She demanded, eyes jumping frantically to find the threat. To be fair, it could've been a demon.

"Chill, sis. Salem, Phoebe. Phoebe, Salem; the talking cat. He's here to tell us about giant swirling vortexes of doom or whatever."

"Or trying to, anyway." He grumbled. Startled, Phoebe lost a foot in the air.

"Woah, there's a cat – a-and he just – h-he can – did he – oh, no way, he shouldn't –"

"You dropped your purse, Pheebs." Paige informed her.

"Ah, dang it!"

"So as you were saying," The redhead gestured for him to continue. With a smile of appreciation at her littlest sister for stopping the slightly older one's torrent of half-sentences, Piper nodded, saying she was listening.

Sighing (witches were horrible at staying on-topic in any universe, it seemed), the cat wrapped his tail around himself and shifted to laying on his stomach, paws tucked underneath him adorably. The three sisters 'awwed' in unison; even Phoebe from her spot on the floor retrieving her purse items.

"Women.." The cat muttered darkly, before continuing. It was lucky for him that they hadn't caught that, or he would've been a very, very dead kitty.

"As I was saying before you interrupted, again, the vortexes are becoming a bit of a problem. Showing up everywhere, and closing without warning. See, you shouldn't even exist! Not in our world, at least. Not to us. But here we are, talking. Not even the Witches Council – you know, the people that turned me into a cat – know what's going on."

A moment of silence reined. Then, Paige just sort of...shrugged.

"So?"

Both of her sisters glanced at her in bewilderment. Phoebe stood up from the floor to place her hands on her hips and glare.

"So..." Prompted Salem. "It's bad."

"Yeah, but why come to us? Don't you have anyone in your world that could take care of this? Can't you just go to the...Witches Council or whatever? Surely you have someone like the Charmed Ones in your world."

The cat gave them both a very impressive condescending look – impressive since he didn't even have eyebrows.

"You know the portal I came through to get here?"

The three glanced up at the swirly darkness dancing on the ceiling (Phoebe and Paige let out a small gasp in unison, having been too preoccupied with the talking cat to see it) before all nodding in unison.

"Well...its kind of in front of the linen closet. Er, the portal to the Council and whatever help we might get."

In concern, Piper looked to her not-quite-littlest sister and found that the woman was edging out of the room with a confused sort of 'that's just too bad for you' smile on her face. Unbidden, the older woman's spirits sank.

"Oh, no, Pheebs..."
"Sorry guys, but linen closets? Vortexes? Talking cats? I-I have a date!" She argued.

"No, Pheebs, come on, this is important, like the whole universe might go into chaos important! Dates do not triumph that!"

"It's a talking cat, Piper. Maybe it lied?" It was a flimsy excuse and they both knew it.

"No. No, you can't. No. Freaking. Way. PHOEBE ALYSSA HALLIWELL(1)! NO!"
And yet the empath was already making her retreat out of the parlor and down the hall. Before Piper heard the front door shut, her sister yelled back,

"I'm sure you guys can handle it!"

It wasn't very reassuring.

With a massive sigh that was more like a irritated breath closer to losing her temper, Piper rubbed her temples as she turned back to the odd pair she was left with. She found Paige giving the black cat a small poke and then recoiling as he hissed at her.

"Always was more of a dog person..." The pale (Now brunette. But how long would that last?) witch muttered.

Piper rolled her eyes, resisting the great urge to moan and simply return to her book.
"Don't let one black cat spoil them all. Kit was amazing, if you recall."

Paige, apparently, did not recall, or at least pretended not to.

"Just...don't let her poke me anymore!" Salem whined. "I'm not a stuffed animal(2)!"

The two witches burst into giggles at his pathetic yet really, really adorable expression, their amusement only increasing when he looked offended.

"Aha...ha...ahem..." Piper wiped the tears from her eyes, careful of her mascara, and smiled down at the thing. "Alright, so you wanted us to close these things?"

"If you're quite done laughing." He replied miserably. Aw, poor little guy!

"No, no! We are!"

"I'll get a paper and pen." Piper volunteered.

"And I'll start looking through the book. When we find something we can snatch Phoebe from her date."

"Great! Now if you excuse me, it's time for my tuna." The cat said with a cat-like (forgive the pun) grin, jumping to his feet and stretching. Then he began to trot over to the portal, and the Charmed Two frowned. It wasn't quite what they'd been expecting.

"Wait!" Piper protested. "Wait, Salem! Where are you going?"

"Well, the portal could close at any time." The sarcastic animal pointed out, before yawning widely. "And you guys seem to have a hard time staying focused...so if you really are going to help, then my job here is done. But I don't want to stick around to find out the results. As much fun as you guys are,"

This time the mocking was very clear in his tone; Piper rolled her eyes.

"I prefer my love-sick teen witch. At least she doesn't make fun of me...most of the time."

"Well," Though Leo's wife was reluctant to let the cat go, she couldn't seem to find a suitable reason for him to stay, either. He was just...so much fun!

Finally, she let out a deep breath.

"Okay. Fine. Go have your tuna. If the portal closes then...it was nice meeting you, Salem." The cat winked back at her, which she took to mean that he didn't completely hate them.

Abruptly Paige grinned,

"Um, Salem, do you think you can get up there by yourself? It's awfully high for such a little kitty."

With a single glare, the witch-lighter bounded over to pick him up, though she was very gentle.

"I could throw you." She suggested. His eyes went wide and the hair on the back of his neck went up for a second. They waited patiently.

"Very well. For...for tuna." The cat looked as though he was going into a battle he knew he would not survive.

It was hard not to dissolve into chortles at the sight;

Paige bellowing, "FORTUNA!" as she chucked a screaming black cat into the overhead vortex.

As much as Piper's life sucked some of the time, she thought it was worth it for moments like these. Moments that sent her sprawling onto the floor crying with laughter at their sheer, comical, ridiculousness.

In fact, it made her book seem positively boring in comparison. Oh, well.

A/N: (1) Since Phoebe didn't seem to have a middle name in-show, I just gave her her actress's first name. I hope that's alright...?

(2) Yes, you are, Salem. Or you were, at least sometimes during the live action series.

Also, don't know exactly how Salem knew it was the Charmed One's that were through that portal. Maybe future Salem told him? Maybe he's psychic? Who knows.

Sorry about not updating for a while! I've been kinda stuck. Ugh. Hate writer's block. As always, reviews help, so I'd love it if you could tell me what you think!

What should I do next? Another CHxSPN? A doctor who one? (BTW, anyone excited about the finale?) Please review and tell me! Thanks!

Love you guys!

- Kokoro