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If I hadn't met you, I wonder, what my relationship with Athrun would be like? In that case, Athrun and me mightn't have fought, especially during the Second War. I wouldn't have intervened in the battles without you.
Even if I would've still had the Freedom and the Archangel with me, that is. Which I think is very unlikely. How could I, or more like Lacus and the others, have kept them hidden and safe without your help? We probably wouldn't have been in Orb in the first place.
But assuming everything else was the same except you weren't with us, I wouldn't have had a reason to engage in battles to protect the Orb forces. I have to admit, I've never really understood your devotion to Orb. Yes, Orb is my home country, and I care about it. But I don't think I'd ever try to protect it nearly to the extent you do. Nor I'd have tried to protect the Orb forces so hard if you hadn't wanted to. I would've preferred to wait and see until we got a better idea of what was going on.
Even though I didn't really understand it, however, I knew you deeply loved Orb and I could see how much you wanted to stop and protect the Orb forces. That was enough for me.
I wanted to help you and protect you. And protecting what you wanna protect and helping you fight for it are a part of protecting you. Even though I didn't like to fight, and it was even harder when I had to fight against Athrun, I don't regret intervening in the battles. You needed to do it. You needed my support. So I wanted to give it to you.
Because I love you, Cagalli. Not just because you're my sister. You'd still be very important to me if you weren't. I'll never forget what you did for me during the First War though you probably don't know how much it meant to me. How much having you around helped me. How relieved I was when you hugged me and comforted me.
Actually, it was a bit embarrassing. I was like a little kid, yeah? At least you treated me like one. A crying kid.
I'm grateful for it, though. I was going through a really hard time. I don't know if I could've kept going if it weren't for you, for your comfort.
Well, Fllay also helped me, as you know. She was always around me and comforted me, er...in several ways, and I appreciated it. I probably couldn't have kept going without her, either. However, I couldn't feel really comfortable with her. Maybe it was because of my guilt toward Ssigh. Or because I knew Fllay still had feelings for him. Or because I knew she wasn't really fine with me being a Coordinator. Or because I felt bad I kinda took advantage of her. Maybe all of that.
But you were different. Your comfort was, too. You comforted me so casually like it was a completely ordinary thing, like you did only what anyone would've done to anyone. Or what you would've done to anyone, at least. Not just to me. Not because it was me. As if it would've been no different if it was anyone else. As if I was no different from anyone else.
You acted like it was no big deal I should be concerned about. Like I didn't have to feel bad or sorry. I didn't feel like I'd pressured you into doing something you didn't really want to, or like you pitied me. I didn't feel like I owed you for it and I had to do something in return, either. You didn't even ask me why I was crying. You simply gave me comfort probably because you thought I needed it. Nothing more. Nothing less. And that's why it meant so much to me, I suppose.
You made me feel safe. Comfortable. Not exactly all right as you'd just said. Not yet. But I could feel now I was getting there, which meant a lot.
The way you talked to me was also heartening. Your attitude hadn't changed after you found out I was a Coordinator and you didn't hesitate to talk about it. I think I needed it. Thinking and talking about what being a Coordinator means, what Coordinators are.
My friends weren't willing to talk, though. It wasn't like they were mean to me because I was a Coordinator. But they rather wanted to ignore our difference. It'd been fine when we were in Heliopolis. I even preferred it that way.
After we got on board the Archangel, however...I had to face the fact I was different from them, different from everyone around me. I could feel—more strongly—even my friends were thinking like, "But he's a Coordinator after all. He's different from us." It couldn't be helped, I guess. It still hurt nonetheless.
On top of it, I had to fight because I could, because I was a Coordinator, because I'd been created that way. It was distressing. I couldn't help wondering why my parents'd made me a Coordinator, why Coordinators'd been created to begin with. And I had no one I could talk to about these things. Until you bluntly asked me why I was a Coordinator.
It was a surprise, undoubtedly. However, I could see you didn't mean anything bad. You were just curious about why I was fighting for the EF, which was natural. Many people'd asked me about it. But you were different. You weren't judging me for it.
And you never treated me like something that needed to be handled with special caution. You treated me as just an ordinary boy. Well, probably an odd boy, as you called me. But not special or essentially different.
I liked that. I liked you didn't hide your opinion of me or of Coordinators, too. You frankly said I was odd and you thought Coordinators were different from Naturals. But also, you easily accepted it when I pointed out your misunderstanding about Coordinators and said we needed to study and train as well.
As much as you didn't ignore me being a Coordinator, you didn't make a big deal out of it or see me as "just a Coordinator." Like it wasn't any more important than me being a boy or being fifteen or my hair being brown. As you hadn't made a big deal out of me crying.
You just...accepted it was how I was, right? Accepted it was who I was. Well, that's what I felt anyway. You reminded me I was just me. You made me forget, even for a moment, I was different from everyone else around me. ...No, it wasn't that. It was more like you made me feel it was okay you and me were different.
Of course it's okay to be different. Everyone's different. I knew that. However, I couldn't think like that. I hated being different. I hated being treated differently. I felt so alone.
You didn't make me get rid of the feeling, but certainly eased it. I started to remember there were people who saw me not as a Coordinator or a protector, but as just myself. People who accepted me not because I was a Coordinator or I had the power to protect them, but because I was who I was. People who cared about me and tried to help me.
You helped me keep believing our genetics didn't matter in the end; we could be friends even though I was a Coordinator and you were a Natural. You made me think I didn't have to feel alone just because I was the only Coordinator there, different from those around me.
Maybe it was because you were different, too. You were one weird girl, that's for sure. And still, you appeared completely fine with yourself, with being different. You were pretty assertive, going your own way without worrying about what others thought of you.
Maybe that's what made me relax around you, made me feel like myself. It was easier for me to smile or laugh or talk or just breathe when with you.
And probably the reason you were fine with me being different is the same. You were so accepting of yourself that you were also accepting of others.
Your attitude toward me, by the way, was somewhat similar to Lacus's. She was another person who'd helped me be myself. I didn't see it right then, but you two are alike in that sense. You both see someone as just a person, and respect other people's choices. You never told me why I should or shouldn't fight, how I should or shouldn't be. You just talked with me and listened to me, trying to know me, my feelings and thoughts and reasons. And let me make my own decisions. Not as a Coordinator or a soldier, but as just Kira.
It's actually funny, isn't it? Considering you two looked totally different in appearance, her being very girly and graceful and sweet and you being boyish and a bit violent and...well, I guess I better stop here. I can almost hear you yelling at me. Like you did when I first saw you in dress. As I told you several times, it's not like I saw you as a boy. It's just...you sometimes made me forget you were a girl.
Not that you need to know it, of course. I have absolutely no plan of telling you. I care about my well-being.
Anyway, so, during the Second War, I chose to intervene in a battle because of you. But it isn't to say I chose to fight for your sake. Not really.
Speaking of which, I remember something. Someone once told me it'd been generous of me to fight for you, and I didn't really get it. I mean, yeah, that's what I did. And you thanked me, too. But what that person said sounded somehow different. It sounded as if I'd done you a great favor. As if you'd made me do what I didn't wanna do or I'd done it entirely for your sake, which isn't true.
Protecting the people we care about is not a favor for them, is it? I don't think you were doing a favor for Orb citizens or those resistance fighters or us, anyone you've fought for. Like I wasn't doing a favor for anyone I've tried to protect and protected.
I'm not a hero who sacrifices myself to save people with no reason except I feel pity for them or they ask for my help. Without my own need or desire to do it. Neither are you. Nor Lacus. Nor Athrun. We're just humans. Not such an unhuman—dehumanized—being. We do what we do because we're humans. Because we have our own wishes and emotions.
When we're trying to help or protect our loved ones, we're also doing it for our own sake as well as theirs. We're doing it because we feel like doing something for them, because of our own desire. Because of love. Not because of pity or generosity.
Needless to say, we're certainly not doing a favor when we help others because we want something for ourselves, whether in return or through the process. I wanted to help you fight, help you find your answer, partly because I thought it was best I could do then to create the future I wished for, and partly because I felt it was what I needed to do to find my own answer, my way. Which I was right about.
Even if I put those reasons aside, I still did what I wanted to do. And whatever it was for, whoever it was for, it was my choice, my decision, and my responsibility. I'd never shift it on you, saying something like, "I did it just for you," or "I did it just because you wanted me to."
I'm not an obedient soldier who acts on your order. I'm not a desperate servant who'll do anything to please you so you won't get rid of me. I'm not a generous master whose every word and action you should be grateful for. I'm not a powerless citizen who's under your wing. I'm not a helpless victim you manipulate or coerce.
I'm your friend. I'm your family. I'm your equal. My actions and choices are never your responsibility. I'd never burden you like that. I'd never ruin our relationship like that. I'd never make you alone like that.
That's not why I fought. That's not what I fought for. I wanted to fight and I fought because I didn't want you to be alone. I knew I had a choice. I knew fighting along with you wasn't the only option. I knew I could choose not to do it if I didn't want to; you wouldn't blame me for it. I knew you'd respect my choice and wouldn't force me to fight.
But I also knew you'd probably try to fight anyway even if you were on your own. I didn't want you to fight alone anymore. I didn't wanna do the same thing again: do nothing while you were fighting. I wanted to be there for you this time. I wanted to be by your side supporting your fight.
And even if you'd given up the attempt because I wouldn't help you, then you would've suffered because you couldn't protect what was important to you. Even though I didn't really share your strong love for Orb, I could understand your desire to protect what you cared about. I knew the agony of not being able to do it. I didn't want you to suffer from it, either.
I knew your feelings of guilt, too. In fact, I kind of strengthened it, didn't I? But I still believe what I said is right: you couldn't have prevented the Orb forces from being sent to aid the EF even if you'd stayed in Orb. I believe, too, it was necessary for you to face the consequence of your decisions. I knew you knew it wasn't like I wanted to hurt you.
And I knew you'd listen to me and understand me even if my words were a bit harsh. You aren't the kind of person who ignores what other people say just because their words're unpleasant or they don't treat you with gentleness. I knew you'd appreciate honesty as much as you needed it.
Like you'd understood me when we talked after your almost-marriage. Or when I slapped you during the First War. I don't feel really sorry about it, either. I mean, I admit I was partly venting my frustration on you, and sorry about that. But what I said then is also true, right? You can't really protect anything with only your feelings.
Well, you probably didn't truly understand it until near the end of the Second War. I'm not blaming you. I didn't like my power, either. I understand your reluctance—even dislike—to have strong military power. It's also true having strong power invites unwelcome troubles. Besides, I didn't truly understand the importance of having power either, until around the same time.
In that sense, probably we were like the opposite of Athrun. It seemed he was focusing too much on power and too little on feelings, whether it was his own or other people's. That's the impression I got while talking with him on the cliff and during the battle.
It wasn't exactly surprising. He always prefers logic to emotion. Though it felt too much even for him to fight against Orb, against what you wanted to protect, do something that agonized you so much.
I couldn't get why he was fighting. I mean, I understood he believed that PLANT was right and that he was fighting for a rightful cause. I couldn't say we were right and he was wrong. But would it be still worth doing even if he hurt someone he loved by doing it?
Sure, he cares a lot about doing the right thing. He does things he doesn't really want to, things that hurt himself, and even things that hurt those he cares about, if he believes it's right. And he's hesitant to act on emotion, though you and me both know he does it more often than he himself believes. Doing the right thing is as important to him as protecting his loved ones. I don't really understand that about him, but I understand—understood that was the kind of person he was.
Plus, being lovers, or friends, doesn't mean you can agree on everything or you shouldn't or wouldn't fight each other, right? You can't expect someone to be on your side just because you're close. Your beliefs, what you wanna fight for, can be different despite your fondness for each other. I mightn't really realize it during the First War, but I understood it during the Second War.
Even so, however, his fighting for ZAFT again didn't make sense to me. I didn't think he'd get involved in fighting just because of his desire to do right. I couldn't believe he'd pilot a mobile suit again so easily. I knew he hated engaging in war again, like me. I could've understood it if he'd done so to protect someone he cared about like I did, but it wasn't the case. Or I thought it wasn't.
Now I know he believed he could protect us, and Orb, by fighting under Mr. Dullindal. Learning of it cleared up my confusion about his rejoining, and about why he was that upset. As long as I can remember, he's always had the tendency to get sulky when things don't go as he planned, or when I don't listen to him or follow his plan. I don't say that was the only reason, but it surely seems that was a part of the reason.
But I didn't know about it when I combatted him in Crete. Not that I wouldn't have been mad if I'd known. Probably there wouldn't have been much difference. Or I might've been angrier.
My mind understood what he was saying and doing—at least partly—but not my heart. Or maybe I should say I understood it but couldn't accept it, like he'd said at our meeting on the cliff. Yes, everyone has that kind of things. He had his, and I had mine. I understood he might be right; it might be wise to do as he said. But I couldn't do it. Couldn't accept doing it.
It wasn't just because I didn't want you to cry or suffer. I was mad because it seemed he wasn't thinking about your feelings at all even though you were his girlfriend, someone he cared about, someone he wanted to protect. But how can you protect someone if you don't think about their feelings? If you don't care about what's important to them?
Even if it was all right he didn't fight along with you or he fought against you, it didn't mean he didn't have to think about how it made you feel, how much pain he was causing you by harming what you cared about so much. I wanted him to see how you were, not what you should've done or how you should be.
And it was absolutely not all right he just blamed you and Orb for everything that was happening, for what he was doing. That he just gave up searching for another way and said he had no other choice.
Well, I guess he was being...what was it? Ah, yes, a hamster on a wheel. As you like to say. Yeah, I totally agree he tends to do that kind of thing. Thinking over the same thing again and again and getting fixated on it and being ignorant of other things. He's been like that since we were kids though I didn't come up with a funny description like yours.
And he's, ah, dense. I don't say "stupid." He's smart for sure. Though I have to say he does stupid things and needs reprimanding now and then.
Anyway, he sometimes gets rather short-sighted. He seemed too fixated on doing what he believed was right and insisting he was right to notice not just your feelings but also your situation during the battle at Crete. Even when you scared me by flying toward the Takemikazuchi, toward the Impulse, on your own. I wish you'd considered your safety more, as I told you then.
That's one of the things you and Athrun have in common. You two tend to put your personal stuff aside, like your safety, your feelings, your well-being, your happiness, and even your loved ones at times. I admire your desire to work for the greater good, sure, but it also worries me. I'm really glad you both seem to have grown out of it to an extent.
And I'm glad what I did was able to help him see things better, realize what he was doing and figure out the way to a place he really wanted to go to. I don't think it would've been good for him to continue what he was doing. I didn't want him to keep fighting like that, keep hurting you and in turn hurting himself without even realizing it.
Even if he wasn't aware of your pain then, eventually he would, and I was sure he'd regret his actions and suffer. I knew he was a good person and he genuinely cared about you despite his actions; he couldn't forgive himself so easily. Not to mention another tendency of his is beating up on himself once he realizes his mistake. I didn't want him to suffer as much as I didn't want you to.
Thus, I demolished his mobile suit so he wouldn't be able to fight for a while and could have some time to think again. I wonder if it can be counted as me reprimanding him? Well, he wouldn't be happy hearing it, so I just say we had a fight and I won. Not that he'd be pleased with this. He doesn't like losing, though he shows it only to those close to him and usually acts like he doesn't care much about winning or losing.
Well, I don't need to tell you about it. You surely know it better than I do since you two always engage in a teasing contest or annoying contest or whatever. You're so competitive.
Okay, maybe I am too, sometimes. Like when we're playing video games. But I don't think I can ever match either of you for competitiveness. That's why I usually let you compete with each other, or I don't argue with you about which of us is older. It's best for everyone, right? You can have the satisfaction of being the older one. You and Athrun can have fun together. And I can have a peaceful time. Everyone's happy that way.
We're happy now. Sometimes I feel it's almost unbelievable. We're happy together after everything we've gone through. It's quite possible we wouldn't be if anything'd gone differently. There're so many things that could've gone wrong.
For instance, what could've happened to Athrun or his relationship with me if he hadn't met you? He mentioned he mightn't have been able to forgive me for killing his friend without your help. If I hadn't chased after you that day, you mightn't be alive. You wouldn't have been there to help him. I couldn't have reconciled with him then?
I guess it's likely. After all, he still looked conflicted and tense when we met in Orb after trying to kill each other. Until you came to engulf us in a big, enthusiastic hug, calling us idiots. Then, he appeared to loosen up.
Yeah, there really is something about you that makes people relax. Maybe it's because you're always so full of passion. Your passion's like, infectious, stirring other people's emotions, as Athrun puts it. Probably because your emotion's genuine, always coming straight from your heart, as well as your words. So they appeal to people's hearts and emotions.
I suppose that's what makes you a good leader. You may not be super intelligent or tactful. You may not be an outstanding politician. But you fiercely love Orb and the people of Orb and try to protect them, so they love you. You're so sincere and devoted they wanna support you and fight along with you.
And you passionately care about and love those around you, so we love you. That's definitely one of your strengths. I guess that's also what made Athrun fall for you. He seems to like it a lot when you're being passionate. Though he never says clearly. He always mumbles something and dodges the question if anyone asks. Oh well, that's Athrun Zala for you. He seldom talks about his feelings.
But he said he mightn't be alive if he hadn't met you. He might've killed himself because of self-hatred or his determination to sacrifice his life for the greater good. Would I have lost my best friend in one way or another, if I hadn't saved your life?
Then again, Athrun and me might've never fought in the first place. If I hadn't chased after you, I don't think I would've seen him in Heliopolis. We might've never known we were at the same place at the same time. Maybe we could've avoided suffering from fighting each other. I wouldn't have killed his friend Nicol; Athrun wouldn't have killed Tolle. They might be still alive. Especially Tolle.
Sometimes I can't help but wonder whether he would've still insisted on piloting a Skygrasper even if I hadn't been the pilot of the Strike. I believe he did it partly because he wanted to help me. And he probably thought he could pilot a battle plane if I could pilot a mobile suit.
Or am I just being full of myself? Maybe I didn't have much to do with his decision. After all, he was always interested in mobile suits and battle planes and what not. Maybe he would've done it anyway, regardless of my status. Like he decided to stay a part of the Archangel crew even if I wouldn't, as the other friends of mine did, which actually saved our lives. We would've been shot down by Yzak-san if we'd been in the escape shuttle.
Or maybe me and Tolle and my other friends wouldn't have boarded the Archangel to begin with and never come across Athrun and his teammates. I would've never piloted the Strike and Tolle would've never piloted a Skygrasper or died trying to help me.
But then, what would have happened? If me and Athrun hadn't fought, or if he hadn't met you, he probably wouldn't have deserted from ZAFT. Did it mean he would've helped his father destroy the Earth? I doubt that. I don't think he could've agreed with such a cruel plan even if he hadn't doubted the righteousness of ZAFT. Then...would he have killed his father, and himself?
You remember what Athrun told us, right? During the final battle of the First War, he was determined to stop his father even if it meant he had to die or kill his father with his own hands.
I'm not sure if he actually could've carried it out. Maybe he couldn't have. Or maybe he could've, believing it was the right thing. And it might've come true. He might've argued with his father in an attempt to stop his father from destroying millions of lives as he did when he was shot at by his father. He might've ended up killing his own father instead. In that case, I guess it's very likely he would've also killed himself afterward. I suspect he couldn't have forgiven himself.
And even if he could've, I'm glad things didn't turn out that way. I wouldn't want him to go through such an experience. I know you wouldn't, either.
How about during the Second War? What would've happened to Athrun or me if there hadn't been you? Would he have kept fighting on ZAFT's side? Would I have still fought on Orb's side? I guess I would've if Orb was attacked. After all, my parents live there and it's my home country. I could've left the Orb forces alone, but probably not Orb. Then, we would've fought against each other even without you, after all.
I don't think we would've tried to kill each other once more. I didn't wanna do it ever again. I'm sure he didn't, either. However, if he'd continued to fight for ZAFT, I probably would've died. Even though Athrun couldn't have killed me, I'm sure Shinn or that boy...Rey, he would've.
Athrun might've defected anyway, though it seemed unlikely he could've successfully escaped. Kisaka-san mightn't have been there to help Athrun and Meyrin-san. Even if he had, why would he save ZAFT soldiers? If it weren't for you, he and Athrun probably wouldn't have known each other. Maybe Athrun would've died as well.
It's rather amazing. If I hadn't saved your life when we first met, I might've died later. If Athrun'd killed you when you two first met, he might've died later. And if you hadn't saved me and Athrun, or if Orb hadn't offered us protection, you and Orb might've perished later because Athrun or me wouldn't have been there to protect you. Although none of us did what we did because we wanted to get repaid or wanted to repay, it seems to have worked out that way.
Well, maybe it's not so strange. We're all friends, and friends help each other. Even if we don't agree on some things, even if we sometimes fight each other, it doesn't mean we hate each other or we're no longer friends. We can still love each other and give each other our help when it's needed and we can.
Though once the situation changes—often without giving us time to get prepared—we can't really get back what we had, what we were, because it's already past. The only way to have each other back is to face the change and try to build a new relationship. Then, maybe we can talk again, understand each other, and get back in each other's life. Maybe we can be with the people we wanna be in the place we've reached even though we chose different ways. Maybe our paths cross or join again. Like Athrun's and mine did in the end of the First War. Like yours and mine did with his in the end of the Second War.
That's one of the things I learned during the wars.
I knew our choice to intervene in battles wasn't really the best. Athrun was right about it. However, if we hadn't done it, those Orb soldiers like Amagi-san would've died. We might've been wrong, but at least we saved their lives. Although it doesn't make what we did the right thing, it was still worthwhile. I'm sure you agree with me. I don't think it's ever wrong to save or protect someone's life. Especially if it's someone we care about. And even if it's wrong, I can't choose to do nothing when someone I care about is suffering or someone's in danger before my eyes. I couldn't anymore.
Maybe I did wrong. Maybe you did wrong. Maybe Athrun did wrong. Maybe Lacus did wrong, too. Maybe our decisions and actions were wrong. But our desire to protect our loved ones and our happiness wasn't wrong. And we did what we thought was best, best for ourselves.
There're times we don't know what's right and what's wrong. Times we're misguided. Times we lack clues to figure out the best way. Yet, we can't always put off making a decision. Sometimes we still have to act.
So we do what we believe's best at that point. It may turn out wrong. It may turn out right. It may make us happy. It may make us suffer. We may regret it. We may become satisfied with it. Whichever way, we deal with the consequences, eventually accept them, and move on, making another decision we believe's best now, whether it's the same as before or totally different.
Isn't it the only thing we can do after all? Do the best we can right at this moment, even though we can never know for sure where it'll bring us to. We just hope we can find what we wanted there. It may be a vain hope. But it's not meaningless, is it? We may find our happiness anyway even if it's different from what we originally wanted.
I know the importance of being patient and waiting for the right time. But I also know the importance of taking an action. It's hard to do something you're not certain will go well. But if you don't do anything, tell yourself you can't do anything and give up, then you can do even less. Nothing'll change.
It's difficult. Whether you should fight or shouldn't. Whether you should take an action or wait patiently. But in the end, it's you that make the decision for yourself. It's the most important thing.
Because you're the one, the only one, truly responsible for your life. The only one who can never escape from it. You're the one to fight your battle, fight for and protect your happiness. And the one to truly know what's your happiness. So it should be you that decide how you live your life, decide what you should do, choose the path you follow, right?
And we all did it.
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