Now: June 20th 2015
5:56 pm
Clarke groaned as she woke up from her all but too short nap from a knock on her bedroom door. She half expected it to be her mother but wasn't surprised when Octavia threw open the door before Clarke could even say "come in".
She looked up from her spot on her comfy aqua comforter at the familiar girl standing before her. She hadn't changed much in the few months they had been apart aside from her dark brown hair now reaching halfway between her elbow and shoulder in length but Clarke knew she had let herself still miss out on too much of her friend's life while trying to hide out from embarrassment and heartbreak due to Bellamy's rejection.
She flung the door shut quickly before practically jumping onto the edge of the bed,"When the hell were you going to tell me that you were in love with my brother?!"
"Octavia…" Clarke groaned pushing her face into her pillow not quite ready to have this conversation.
"Since birth! Birth Clarke! That is how long we have been friends! And yet you don't tell me that you are in love with Bellamy! And yeah I mean obviously I noticed the flirting and longing glances over the years from the two of you but still I waited because you are supposed to TELL me if you have feelings for him! So can you imagine my horror to find out from Bellamy that you told him you are in love with him?!"
Clarke took a deep breath trying to process all of Octavia's words. She wasn't exactly sure how she would feel but she knew the bold girl would speak her mind on the subject. Still she couldn't help but feel surprised that Octavia's main concern in the whole situation was the fact that Clarke had not informed her of her feelings sooner, despite apparently having some clue to them.
Then it hit Clarke, "Wait what longing looks and flirting? We never did that. Especially Bellamy, unless he had feelings for me years ago and I didn't know about it."
Octavia huffed and threw herself from a seated position to lying down. She grabbed an old throw pillow with sequins and began to pick at them as she rolled her eyes, "You guys are so stupid…" she looked back up, "You really love him?"
"Unfortunately."
"Clarke…"
"We're here for his wedding Octavia. This is seriously probably the most awkward crap I've ever faced. And I don't even know who else he told? Am I going to be sitting at the wedding having guests staring at me waiting to see if I stand up and object?" She flung her pillow back over her face.
Octavia grabbed it off of her. "Don't be dramatic he only told me. I'm pretty sure he didn't even tell Echo. And Mom certainly doesn't know."
"Really?" Clarke glanced over hopeful. She really was nervous that Echo was going to bite her head off for trying to put a stop to her wedding and she couldn't really blame her. It wasn't that Bellamy was a gossip or anything but she was his finance so she had just assumed he had told her.
"What did he tell you?" There was a hesitance in her voice but she wanted Octavia to tell her the truth. And Octavia was blunt and to the point, she wasn't the type to try to sugar coat things so your feelings wouldn't get hurt. Ripping off the band aid was her style.
But this time she acted different. She sucked in the side of her cheek and remained focused on the silver sequins seemingly pretending she hadn't hurt the question.
"Octavia…"
She looked up and clucked her tongue awkwardly. "I don't know I mean he just said how you told him you loved him and that he shouldn't marry Echo. Then when he told you he was going to marry Echo you bolted."
"I didn't know what else to do…I looked so stupid." She reached for another pillow and proceeded to once again put it over her face. Octavia once again pulled it off.
"Stop it. I'm proud of you. I'm mean taking charge like that, it's soooo un-Clarke-like. I mean except that time you told your mom you weren't going to medical school and were going to be an artist."
"Yeah and look how both ended up. Let's be real I'm practically broke and I lost one of my best friends." She reached for a third pillow and Octavia smacked her hand.
"First of all you did not lose Bellamy. He's been so worried about you. But he wasn't sure if you'd want him to call you. Trust me he's been beating himself up over this since it happened. I would've called you except he told me that I should give you space." She looked down and picked off a sequin. "Things are just hectic for him right now…"
"So what do you suggest?"
Octavia dark green eyes seemed to make contact with anything in the room that wasn't her, which only made Clarke more nervous. "What do you mean?"
"Do I pretend nothing happened? Just try to go back to normal?"
Octavia now looked up and her face had a slight look of pity on it. It made Clarke sick to her stomach. She had never seen Octavia look at her like this. Not when her senior year prom date stood her up last minute. Not when she broke up with her first girlfriend. Not when her ex-boyfriend had cheated on her.
This look had something deeper to it. She looked almost pained. Like she wanted to tell Clarke something but couldn't.
"CLARKE. OCTAVIA. DINNER IS READY!"
The sound of her mother's voice snapped her back into reality and Octavia jumped off the bed. "Let's go I'm starved."
…
Dinner was…awkward to say the least.
First, her mother asked her how things were going at the museum…quite frankly not good, buyers were lacking, ticket sales were down, tour sales were down and Clarke barely had time to paint forget show off her own work. Though she didn't want her mother to know any of this since she had chosen to go to art school instead of going into medicine like her mother had wanted so she settled with a simple "Fine".
Then, Aurora unknowingly asked if Clarke was seeing anyone. At that point she awkwardly shot glances at both Bellamy and Octavia who both looked extremely uncomfortable.
"Um not at the moment…" She said with a forced smile as she stabbed her fork into her steak a little too violently.
"Well I ran into President Jaha's…you remember the Dean of the university…well his son the other day, Wells. You went to school with him, Clarke. Anyways he is looking quitewell if I do say so myself. And he asked about you so of course I mentioned you were going to be in town…" Abby started and Clarke stopped her quickly.
"Oh my god Mom you are not seriously trying to set me up right now are you?" She could feel the flush creeping onto her face and did not want to make eye contact with Bellamy at this moment. Here he was with his fiance and she looked like the pining best friend whose mother was causally trying to get her a date over dinner with like ten people.
"Clarke, don't be ridiculous it's not a set up. I just am merely suggesting you get coffee and catch up with one of your old schoolmates. Besides I only assumed you would be up for dating again since you and that Finn boy broke up so long ago now and from what you said it was amicable." She grabbed the salt and sprinkled some onto her food with a content look on her face, as though there was no awkward tension being created by her words and this was just some ordinary family diner.
"I'll pass"
Abby sighed and gave Aurora a "I tried" look who just nodded back as though saying "I know". She adored both of them, though her and her own mother had some disagreements, but she could deny they got a little too much involved in trying to meddle into their children's lives at times. It came from a place of love and wanting what was best for them but sometimes Clarke wanted to remind them that their opinions of what was best wasn't always exactly what was best.
And this conversation, especially at this time, was not the best thing for any of them. Clarke wanted to melt in her seat.
"Clarke do you have a dress for the wedding yet?" the blonde looked up from mortification to see Echo speaking to her. She actually felt relieved by the change of subject.
"Um well I'm sure I can find something to wear in my closet…" She thought aloud realizing she hadn't really picked anything out to wear yet. She was so worried about facing Bellamy for the first time in three months that some of the little details, such as what she was going to wear to his wedding, had just passed her by.
"Nonsense, Octavia and I are going to my final dress fitting tomorrow. Octavia is getting her last fitting for her maid of honor dress as well so you can come with us and I'm sure you'll find something there." She smiled but Clarke felt it was a bit forced. Still if she was trying to make some sort of bond with Clarke, she figured she could at least put forth some effort too.
"Sure," Clarke responded putting the best smile she could on her own face. She wanted to stay friends with Bellamy and Echo was part of the package now, this was the least she could do.
The rest of dinner went pretty smoothly to Clarke's relief. Octavia went on excitedly about her new degree in business and how she was currently working as an assistant manager of a local coffee shop where the manager, Anya, was teaching her all about running a business and making it your own. Apparently, she had brought in many new ideas to the shop that Anya had really liked and so far her little changes has brought in more business and excitement into the shop than it had seen in years.
Clarke couldn't help but smile seeing Octavia's face light up as she spoke about how customers had complimented her additions and told her what a bright future she had. She knew Octavia had always struggled to fit in and find her place in the world so to see her so excited about something was a happy change to them all.
"I'll have to come home for a weekend and visit," Clarke suggested realizing she hadn't been to her actual home in months.
Octavia's face brightened again, "Yes you have to! You'll love Anya, Clarke. She has all these really cool paintings in the shop from local artists she met while traveling the world when she was younger."
She headed down into what her dad called his "man cave" after dinner and saw him watching a Red Sox game by himself. He smiled as he saw her plop herself next to him as she had done so many times before.
"Hey sweetie. How you holding up after your mother's prying?"
Clarke sighed curling up in her old CAPE COD sweatshirt she had thrown on. "Why does she have to do it in front of everyone. I looked pathetic."
"You didn't look pathetic," he smiled ruffling up her hair. "We all know you are a strong independent young lady, she just worries. Plus I think the wedding has got her impatient and excited for when she gets to help plan yours."
"Oh wonderful." She rolled her eyes. "Well she going to have to wait. I'm single and focusing on my career right now." It wasn't completely untrue but she did wish her career was at less of a standstill. What she really wanted was to paint and show off not only her art but other unknown artists. The truth was she was tired of giving tours for Claude Monet and having the people on the tour interrupting her to say what they had read on the internet before she could even get to it. She just wanted to share the work and stories of someone who wasn't already famous.
Her dad handed her a beer from his mini fridge and she popped it open and turned to focus in on the game. It was familiar and for the first time since she had entered the house, she actually felt relaxed. Her father always had a way of easing the stress that often came on too easily for Clarke. He was always the one that encouraged her to pursue her dreams and understood the things about her that her mother couldn't seem to grasp.
She loved her mother, she really did, but sometimes she felt they were too similar and they butted heads because of it. They were both stubborn, opinionated and proud so when it came to disagreements like Clarke going to art school instead of med school neither seemed to be able to back down on what they thought was best.
She didn't have to worry about those arguments with her dad. There was no pressure for her to be anyone but herself and for that she was grateful.
Everything was right in the world again.
Until Bellamy came in.
"Hey sorry I'm late." He grabbed a beer of his own and plopped onto the other side of Clarke on the couch once again acting as nothing had happened all those months ago. "What did I miss?"
Clarke wanted to tell him he missed the memo when she told him she was in love with him but she chose to keep her mouth shut and let her father catch Bellamy up on the game.
Growing up without a father had been hard for Bellamy and Jake had always stepped in where he could. When he needed someone to teach him to play catch Jake taught him. Advice on girls? He went to Jake. Even when he got in a fight with his own mother he turned to Jake. They had always been close and Clarke understood how her father had been an important role model in Bellamy's life but she couldn't help but feel slightly irked that at that moment she couldn't just be alone with her dad.
Bellamy tried to talk to her but she couldn't shake away the elephant in the room. She only wished it was as easy for her as it was for him. It would be so simple to go back to being best friends, watch the game, drink beers, and act like everything was fine.
But she couldn't.
Every time he brushed his arm against hers it sent shivers through her spine. When he smiled at her she could swear a blush crept up her face. And every time he said her name it was like the rest of the world faded away.
She couldn't go back. Not after she realized that she loved him. Not after she let herself have hope that if she told him how she felt he wouldn't marry Echo. Not after he broke her heart.
She knew it wasn't his fault but it just wasn't as simple as he was trying to make it.
"I'm going to hit the sack. I'm too old for these late night games" Jake chuckled as he rose from the couch.
"But you'll miss the ending," Clarke spit out with a slight panic in her voice.
"It's okay Clarke. We'll let the old man know how it ends" Bellamy laughed looking towards Jake.
But Clarke did not want to let him know how it ended. She wanted to run out of that room like her life depended on it. Before she could think of an excuse to leave Bellamy started talking again.
"They're looking good this season," he replied as he took another sip of his beer. "We need to catch a game I mean how long has it been since we last watched a game at Fenway?"
"Years," Clarke replied trying to concentrate on baseball instead of her proximity to Bellamy.
"Well we should go." He said determined. "And hey you can show me around your work. I still haven't been to the museum."
"It's nothing special."
He scoffed. "Of course it's special. You work there."
She wanted to leave. "It's like any other museum."
He scrunched up his eyebrows as he stared at her. "Okay forget the museum. Have you painted anything new recently?"
"I'm always painting Bellamy." She knew how she sounded; Off, disinterested, a bit rude. It just frustrated her that he was still pretending nothing had happened.
He seemed to notice she was tired of the whole thing and just nodded as a reply. They stayed in silence for a few minutes until Clarke stood up.
"I'm going to go to bed."
"Clarke…" he started. He stood up and grabbed her wrist gently to stop her. She turned and looked at him weakly, not wanting to play this game anymore. "I don't want…I don't want to lose you." Her heart sank, partially in sadness, partially relief. He was finally admitting things weren't okay.
"So pretending is better?" She asked desperately. "Putting up a façade? I can't do that Bellamy. What I said is out there…and I can't take it back even if I wanted to."
"I just don't know what to do." He looked away from her. "I don't know what to do to make things better."
She shrugged. "You can't."
"Clarke please."
She looked at him and he made eye contact again with her. He looked terrified, which was how she felt. But he was looking at her so intently that she knew she couldn't run and hide this time.
"I told you I loved you." She whispered so softly it was barely audible.
His face softened and he got off the couch to stand level with her. He put his hands on her arms and she could feel them shaking. "You mean everything to me Clarke."
She wanted to laugh and point out that she obviously didn't mean everything to him. But she knew it wouldn't change anything, just make her look bitter.
"I just…I can't right now Bellamy…" She whispered and moved her arm out of his grip. He looked like he was at a loss for words but she couldn't deal with that at the moment. "I want things to be like they used to be but…I don't know how."
"Clarke…"
She shook her head and gave her eyes a squeeze trying to prevent any tears from falling. "No listen. I'm happy for you okay? I know you may not think that but I want you to be happy. And Echo's beautiful and she seems great…I just…I just need you to understand that I don't know how to act around you anymore. We'll always be friends it's just…it can't be the same right now. I'm sorry."
He nodded sadly and looked away whispering, "Me too", as she pulled away and left.