A/N: So yes, I was informed that perhaps I should add warnings about triggers. I am just going to make one wide trigger warning. There will be things in this story that might trigger you. I am sorry if they do, but I will not be posting a warning by chapter as I think that detracts from the story itself and I am firmly against prefacing in general. Hints why all of my author notes are always at the bottom. Love always, Skye

Chapter three: Remus

Remus woke up tired, and sore, and crusty from the blood he caused by scratching himself with Moony's claws. He groaned and tugged on his clothes that he had put in the corner. He unwarded the door and came out face to face with Snape. That was the last thing he needed.

"'Morning," he croaked.

"Are you always like this afterwards?" The man asked. "Even after the potion?"

Remus nodded and limped to the stairs. Truth be told, no. Usually after the potion, he just curled up and fell asleep. But last night had been different. Last night he let Moony punish him. He felt a hand on his side when he almost tripped. Snape tried to help him up the stairs.

"I can walk on my own," he snarled at the Slytherin. "I don't need assistance."

Severus blinked in surprise and looked almost hurt before his face hardened. "Then do it and stop teetering like a bloody toddler, will you." Then he pushed past him and to his room.

Something was wrong. Did he not make the potion right? He knew Lupin was lying when he said he was always like this, as he remembered how normal he seemed when he worked as the DADA professor and drank it. Yes, he was always tired, but today Severus could swear he smelled blood. At this thought he paused his pacing. He did smell blood. That bloody wolf was hurting himself during the full moon as well. Was he trying to kill himself? Severus sat down with a whoosh and a heavy sigh.

There was a letter waiting for Remus when he finally made his way to his room. From Harry. He leaned against his headboard and tore it open to read it.

Hey Remus,

I've been trying not to write you, as I'm sure you feel at least as awful as I do, if not worse as you knew him better and longer. Remus swallowed thickly. I've been dreaming it. I can't sleep because I see his face when he fell through on a loop. I remember him in King's Cross before I left for school, giving me the picture of the old Order. Why hadn't I just listened to Hermione about the visions? Why couldn't I pay attention and try harder when Snape tried to teach me Occlumency? I've been working on it on my own now, but there's a Muggle saying: don't lock the stable after the horses are stolen.

I know you probably have a lot on your mind as well, but I wasn't sure who else to write about this to. My friends would try, but they wouldn't understand. They would pity me. I couldn't stand it if they pitied me. And the Dursley's are just going about their business. It's like it never happened. I went to write this and had to start over because I addressed it to Sirius. I don't know how to cope with this.

-Harry

Remus had been able to concentrate on the pain of the full moon and his calmness that came with his latest discovery, but now he could only think of Sirius. How many times when he went out with James and Sirius did he tell Mrs. Potter that he would take care of them and keep them out of trouble? Lot of good that did anyone. He was in France when Peter betrayed Lily and James, and he was unable to keep Sirius from dying. Now Harry was blaming himself. He had depended and relied on Sirius and now he was just gone. Remus cried into the parchment until he fell into a restless sleep.

*

He screamed. He screamed as loud as he could, having dreamed of Sirius again. Having had a dream of a loop. The first time they met, through their years at Hogwarts, James and Lily's wedding, the years where he let himself believe that Sirius had betrayed them. How could he even think that? And then they let Wormtail get away because he forgot to take that bloody potion. And then he was alone, on the run, in this house with all those Dark memories from his childhood. It was no wonder he had left to go save Harry. Remus should have tried harder. He should have locked the man in a fucking closet. He should have fought against the Ministry when they locked him away in Azkaban.

He stared at himself in the mirror. He hated him. Remus hated Sirius. He hated himself. He hated Harry for running off. He hated Snape for being such a tosser and not teaching Harry Occlumency better. He hated Hermione for being like Remus, unable to talk sense into those around her. Remus glared at the potions in the cabinet. He had always been pants at potions, but he understood the theory. He knew that mixing Calming draught with Pepper-Up and Dreamless Sleep- he would poison himself. Or adding aconite to a mild truth serum. Or deep vertical cuts. Or…

Remus didn't know what to do with himself. He had continued with his routine of reopening the cuts he'd made on his wrist, but it wasn't as it was when he'd first tried it. It wasn't having the same affect. He had run out of things to throw and break at will. He couldn't read past the first page of a book without losing interest. He felt like fighting. He felt like fist fighting- feeling someone's bones snap, watching their blood drip, hearing their strangled cries. Then he stopped for a moment and looked at himself in the mirror. Where did those thoughts come from? Surely he didn't actually want to harm anyone. But yes, he did. He nodded to himself and grabbed his jumper, leaving his room.

Severus woke up alone. Meaning, no one else in the house. He groaned and left under a Disillusionment charm- thinking for sure he knew where the wolf would be. He was right of course, as after Lily died, Severus had bar hopped for a while to start fights and drink. He watched Lupin, who looked awful, dodge a punch and almost fall before charging at the burly guy again. Severus stepped from the shadows, charm off, and grabbed Remus by the back of his collar- pulling him back.

A Muggle, oh how Severus despised drunks, decided this new person was in the fight and tried to get Severus with his next blow. Severus ducked and grabbed the man's fist, twisting it and feeling it pop out of place with a satisfying sound. Then, he dragged the wolf out to Apparate in front of Grimmauld Place. Lupin promptly threw up bile along the front path. Severus rolled his eyes and helped the man to his room and helped him undress, treating his wrist and chest with dittany to close up the wounds. He would let Remus decide if he wanted to continue down this path before he erased the scars.

*

"Why do I feel awful?" He asked the darker man when he came to a day later.

"Because you got into a bar fight. And lost."

Remus opened his eyes, feeling better than he had in a long time. He could feel a bandage of sorts on his chest and around his left arm and he shot up in bed. "What are you doing in here?"

Severus looked around at the now clean room. He had gotten rid of all the broken glass and put unbreakable charms on everything else. "Redecorating."

Remus sat up, "Get out."

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"I thought we could talk. You know, we have a lot in common. I mean we both can't stand Potter."

"Get. Out."

"No, no, I mean it. Obviously, I mean, you're the last person he has connected to his parents and you aren't taking care of yourself. You must not care that much. Maybe you wanted this."

Remus' blood boiled and his face grew red. Snape hadn't acted like this since they were in school.

"Not that I can feel too awful, I mean, Black was a reprehensible excuse for a human being if I ever saw one. At least now he's out of his misery."

Without warning Remus, shot with adrenaline and anger, knocked Snape to the floor, pinning him. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"I don't? Oh! I'm sorry. Was it true love?" Severus grinded his teeth when the wolf punched him in the jaw. "Did you think that him being supposedly innocent was a reward to you for being alone so long? How long did you do nothing while he rotted in Azkaban and Potter with Lily's sister? Ten years? Eleven?"

With every strike, Remus felt a wave of tension leave him and Snape continued with his jabs at Remus as a person. Everything Remus had been thinking about himself for the last month. Severus laid there and took it, know that Remus, no, Lupin, had to crack sometime. At last, Remus stopped and collapsed against Severus' chest, crying his shame and agreement to everything Snape had said. After a while he was asleep and Severus, bruised and battered, picked him up and laid him back in the bed.

"I hurt you," the man whispered as he woke up slightly from the move.

"It wasn't pleasant," Severus agreed. "Black is dead, Lupin. Killing yourself isn't going to bring him back."

Remus protested. "I wasn't going to- "

"Don't. Tell me you hadn't thought about it, wolf."

"Remus."

"What?"

"It's my name."

"I know it's your name. What do you want me to do with it?"

"Use it."

Severus looked at the man in front of him, sickly and thin. The bed swallowed him whole. He was still as handsome as he had been in their youth, the scars not taking away from that. Severus wondered to himself when did they all get old? When did their antics against each other in school and just after become background to this war that refused to end? When did he start thinking of Lupin as Remus? As a person?

"Remus."

Remus stayed in bed for the next day as well, his strength from everything slowly regaining. Why had he gone out? He had also attacked Severus. Why? He had always had more control than this. He, he had always had enough control for all of the Marauders. How many times had he stopped James from physically attacking Snape? Or Sirius from his antics? He was not strong enough to stop himself.

*

"Severus?" The Slytherin stopped his reading and looked over. "Why did you come after me?"

They'd been on better terms than they ever had been. Remus came out of his room more. Severus made him eat. They would read for a while and then go back to their respective rooms. Severus would never admit that he found this better than before. It was as if a tension had been released. Sirius Black's death still hung over them, but Remus was better. He hadn't cut in three days, and even though he had had the urge a few times, he had just left the room instead to find Severus. Severus found he was actually able to read when Remus was there.

"You were going to get yourself killed."

"So? You hate me. You hated Sirius. What would it matter?"

Severus didn't shift in his wingback armchair, though he was decidedly uncomfortable at this point because he didn't have an answer. "I don't know," he admitted, stared at the page he had just turned to. "I don't know if I hate you. I know what you're going through."

"You know, I never thought about what Lily's death did to you."

Severus closed his book with a sigh. "It killed me, almost literally."

Remus watched the man subconsciously tighten his left arm and understood. "I'm sorry. For everything we did to you. I always have been."

"It doesn't really matter anymore, does it?"

"It matters to me."

"Thank you."
A/N: I am really sorry that I take so long to update each story. I know I have like six going at the same time, but I cannot say this enough. If you want me to focus on one of them in particular- review or pm me about it. I always take suggestions and even if I don't use them, they will help me come up with ideas. Also, I am warning that the next chapter might be really dark. Like- REALLY dark. My husband thought it might be too much. Oh well.