"I'm Still Alive But I'm Barely Breathing, Just Praying To A God That I Don't Believe In. 'Cause I Got Time While She Got Freedom, And When A Heart Breaks No It Don't Break Even ... I'm Falling To Pieces." - The Script; Break Even.

Nervous? Understatement. I wasn't meeting one or two people, but an entire bunch of people, Jacob referred to them as 'the pack' which I was apparently part of , and he thought me being back at home for more than two months was enough time to adjust. I liked to think that he was doing this out of frustration, frustration at the fact that I still hadn't remember a single thing, and it was clearly starting to scare him. After the incident of meeting Bella he was a lot more on edge, and stuck to me like a rash, whenever a silence was upon us he'd babble on about how it was the first time he'd spoken to Bella in almost a year, and that it wouldn't happen again.

I may not like her but he didn't have to cut off his friendship with her, it wasn't as if she made that much of an impact on me, besides I would be a terrible person for telling Jacob who he could and couldn't be friends with.

I sat in the passenger seat of Jacob's rabbit, listening to him talk happily over how excited everyone was to see me, not noticing in the slightest that I was practically shitting a brick, and smiled widely at the events for today, truly hoping that I would remember everything in just this one meeting. I was obviously less optimistic, if I hadn't remembered anything by now then I clearly wasn't going to any time soon, even if I was introducing a whole load more of people into my new life. I counted of the amount of people I would be meeting with my fingers, and if I count Leah, Quil and Embry into those it made twelve. Supposedly nine of them were all as huge as Jacob, making me feel that little bit more terrified than I already was, and I could already feel the hints of intimidation washing over me like a tidal wave.

This was going to be an eventful day alright, just not in the way that Jacob was expecting, and I couldn't break myself to break his entirely happy mood, after all he had done for me he at least deserved this, and much more, so much more than I could ever give him. Sadly I didn't what exactly it was I was supposed to give him, and the only thing I could think of was the also the only thing unattainable; my remembrance of him.

As much as I was dying to remember everything, for Jacob's sake as well as my own, I was also afraid to see what my most recent ones would be. What would drive me into such a state that I would feel the need to leave La Push for a while, and I was even more afraid that it may have had something to do with Jacob.

I played with the hem of my white sleeved shirt, once again wondering if I had dressed good enough for such a gathering, Jacob had said that dressing normally was fine, that I wasn't anything formal or special, they were just happy I was coming. Some how I still felt rather hesitant in that though, I felt as if once I walked through the door I would be inspected and compared to the old Silver they once knew, and wouldn't be good enough.

Would she have dressed in the black leggings and white shirt like I had? Or found she extremely comfortable in nothing but high top sneakers? I had no idea if she would have, and no one seemed to help with that, saying that I would either remember or move on.

I pulled on the sleeves of my shirt further, as if they were already way past my wrists, I just couldn't seem to stop fidgeting, I wanted to just beg Jacob to turn around and go home. That I would try another time, or that I wanted to wait until I had gotten a memory back, but stalling wouldn't help me at all, I had to do this at one point. The uneasy feeling in my stomach only increased when the car came to a sudden halt, and looking out my side of the window I looked at the small house that I assumed was Emily and Sam's.

Jacob let out a long breath and took my hand, softly squeezing it before speaking to me, "we're here … god we haven't done this in such a long time, they're so happy that you're coming."

I nodded, forcing a smile of my own as I opened the car door, waiting be the side of the car for Jacob to come over, grabbing his hand so tightly, as if it were my life line I looked to Jacob pleadingly, so frightfully that he held it back just as tightly.

"Please, don't let go."

He took a moment to place a soft kiss on my forehead; running his hand through my short hair before smiling softly at me, giving me as much reassurance as possible.

"Never."

I followed his lead up the porch steps, letting him open the screen and front door as we went, my heart beat speeding up with every step I took, my breathing becoming so short and fast that I was surprised I hadn't had some sort of heart attack already. I didn't even get a second of silence as soon as the door had shut behind me, the yells of my name and 'welcome back', rang out so loudly I wanted to cover my ears.

I felt as if I was being attacked and cage, random pair's of arms wrapped around me, and I was forced to return them with one arm as I never let go of Jacob's hand. The first one I already knew belonged to Quil, followed my Embry's, and I tuned out their yells or taunting jokes while I tried to smile politely.

My head began to bang and hurt at the overwhelming sensation of so many people surrounding me, so many tall and huge in muscle men were gathered her, the yells and squeals of more than one girl overlapped each other, and the small tiny pair of arms that wrapped themselves around my waist was what made me want to burst into tears. She was so beautiful, so young and looked so genuinely happy to see me, yet I didn't even know who she was.

Of course I could place a name to her face, seeing as Jacob pointed her out in s many of the photo's, little Claire, niece to Emily. Yet I still didn't know who she truly was, and she was greeting me so warmly like I had never left.

"Silveerrrrrrrrrrr! I missed you!"

I didn't get to reply, not that I thing I could have, seeing as if I even opened my mouth the tears would have spilt and the wails would have erupted out of me like it had that first time I had gone back home. Quil lifted her up from her armpits, laughing happily as he placed he on his hip and told her to let me breathe, which should have been something he should have said to the entire crowd of people.

I only realized how big of a mistake this was, I wasn't in the slightest bit ready for this, no where near it, and I should have told Jacob that, should have asked me to meet them all individually like I had done so far with the boys and Leah.

I barely had a second when two women place their arms around me in a group hug, both gushing on how they had been at the hospital for me almost every day, and I instantly knew who they both were again thanks to the photo album; Emily and Kim. Supposedly two of the kindest hearted women you would ever know, only I had to go by that on words, not because I knew them, because I didn't fucking remember them.

I didn't remember anyone here, and they had gone to this much trouble to make sure I felt welcome, and all I could do was think about how much this scared me, that it overwhelmed me to the point of where I wanted to run the hell out of there. I wanted to go home, to hide in my room for the past two months like I had done since I got home, because it was easier that way, so much more easily.

Ironically it was me who let go of Jacob's hand, but not the return the group hug that I was unwillingly sharing with the two girls, it was to softly push them off me and place my hands on the sides of my head in pain. I closed my eyes tightly, trying so hard to fight off the tears that were so close to falling, and still tuned out to everything around me I barely registered the fact that silence had engulfed the room, the multiple stares of bewilderment and sadness, and worst of all the sad disappointed eyes I would have to face when I looked at Jacob.

I let out a strangled cry of pain as I gripped my hair tightly with my fingers, cowering away from the comfort of Jacob's warm hand and back away, still not looking to any of them I shook my head in pain, finally allowing the tears to fall out.

"I- I can't do this – I'm- I'm sorr-" I didn't even finish my sentence as I turned and stumbled out of the front door, running down the small porch steps and skidding to a halt just in front of the rabbit.

I had no intention of going anywhere far, just needed air outside of the constricting space of that house, and as the now heavy rain fell hard on me it drowned out the sound of my own cries of emotional pain, my salty tears mixing with the fresh rain. I was only alone for a mere second before my arm was yanked hard, forcing me to spin around, be held tightly on both of my forearms.

I hadn't even know that Jacob had followed me straight after, and I guessed he was probably calling my name as he did so, he looked as if he were in so much pain, but in my selfish state now I couldn't bring myself to agree with his request.

"Silver just come back inside!"

I dug my sneakers into the mud heavily, as if that would stop him from softly dragging me back, and I wriggled around in his hold like my life depended on it.

"No! I can't Jacob, please I can't!"

"Look, I know it feels like a lot to take in, but if you come back in it wont feel as overwhelming as before, it'll be different!"

I shook my head vigorously, fully yanking my arms out of his reaches while he spoke, backing away from him, screaming above the loud pour of the rain.

"I'm not going to remember everything by going back in there Jacob!"

I slapped my hand over my mouth as I spoke those forbidden words, my memories were never a spoken subject with Jacob and I, simply because I knew how much it would mean to him for me to remember everything. I watched his mouth open and close as if he was a goldfish, he looked as if I had just slapped him in the face, and the look of pure distraught that absolutely killed me inside was only there for a few seconds before his nostrils flared and anger took over him as he once again grabbed both of my arms so forcefully that it physically hurt

"I'M FUCKING TRYING HERE SILVER! WHAT ELSE CAN I POSSIBLY DO? ALL I'VE DONE IS FUCKING TRY MY HARDEST TO HELP YOU!"

The impact and volume of his words hit me like a train, and I recoiled so far away from him as I possibly could with his large hands holding me in place, terrified of him getting any angrier, his fists clenching around my arms as if he were restraining from hitting me. I'm pretty sure half of La Push would have heard his voice, because it definitely overlapped the rain pouring down, and was enough to have the front door of Sam and Emily's house burst open with a bunch of the boys rush out and cautiously grab Jacob by the arms.

"Jake, come on man let go … or you'll do something you're gonna regret."

Embry yelled over the rain, both him and Quil pulling Jacob back as far as they could, who's angry eyes were still locked with my distraught and traumatized ones before I broke it, stumbling backwards from him as they took him away. I rubbed my arms as softly as I could, trying to rid the pain of where his hands once were, which was a sentence I never thought I would say.

Leah was by my side as soon as they were gone, which was in the peculiar direction of the woods, she put her arm around my shoulder and shushed me soothingly, some how managing to understand my broken sentences of wanting to go home, and complied easily as she walked to me over to a worn looking truck. Pushing my short soaked hair out of my face, and placing me in the passenger side, she followed suit.

She let me cry the entire way back, nothing but silence was in the car as I let it out, I felt so pathetic, so weak, I'm pretty sure that the old me would have been laughing or something because nobody could be this much of a joke. I don't know why it was so hard, why I couldn't just stay in there and smile as wide as I could, laugh and be reintroduced back into a group of friends, watch Jacob smile happily like he had a piece of his old life back.

I did the opposite, took the selfish route and ran, thinking that it would solve all my problems and everything would disappear. I should know that things don't work that way, that if I wanted to make things better I would have to face everything that terrified me, and if I didn't do it for me then I definitely had to do it for Jacob, and my parents, because they were the ones who were really suffering. They were the ones who had to watch someone they loved wake up in a hospital bed without a single memory, and had to patiently and silently wait on me hand and foot with the hopes of me remembering.

"You mean the world to him you know? He just needed to lose some steam."

I nodded, not really knowing what I could say to that, the second part of her statement was fairly obvious, because no one could have gone for this long with a best friend who didn't remember them and remain completely calm. I sat in my living room now freshly clothed in warm pyjama's, my home empty as my father was still at work, my mother had returned to Seattle, no longer being able to take anymore time off of work, and insisted that she would visit as much as she could.

I had noticed small things about my mother while she was around, the secretive whispers she would have on the phone when she thought I wasn't looking, her guilty eyes she had every time she looked in both mine and my dad's direction, my dad's own resilience to have any real conversation with her, it was intense.

I was a little relived when she left, not because I didn't want her here, oh no, she was my mother, and as much as I loved my dad your mother always held a special place in your heart. I just found it a lot easier to breathe in the house now she wasn't her as frequently as before, dad seemed much more relaxed, and Jacob looked a lot less cautious now that she wasn't in the same room.

The thought of him now made my chest squeeze slightly, as if the air in my lungs was being cut off, it hurt so much to know that I had hurt him that bad. I was praying that he would turn up, or finally return my call; I just wanted to apologize over and over again for hurting him, for not realizing just how hard it was for him, just for being so damn selfish.

"I'm trying Leah, I really am .. I want to remember … for him."

She let out a sigh, putting her hand on my shoulder and gave a strained smile, "I know you are, and he is too …" A scowl crossed her face as I imagined she was thinking of him, "the asshole deserves everything he gets, but even I have to admit I've never seen him this devoted to anyone before, not even Bell-."

Her eyes widened as she cut herself off, realising her mistake, thinking that she could still save herself, but it was clearly too late, you only had to mutter the first letter for me to know who she spoke of. The regret and pure anger with herself in her eyes was so evident that it was basically the ultimate confirmation I needed on who she was talking about, I stared at her for a long time, knowing fully what that she knew what I was now expecting from her. An explanation on Bella, on everything to do with Bella, and just what it was that had made Bella so special.

Leah took a long disdainful breath, running a hand through her black hair she looked to me with a piercing gaze, opening her mouth to tell me a long story, which I'm sure by the end of I probably wished I'd never heard.

5 Months Earlier ...

"Urgh, get the hell out of here, I'm just still surprised she hasn't tried jumping off another cliff again."

Leah let out a disgusted snort a long with a statement, and all I could do was laugh hysterically on the end of my bed, holding my stomach as it began to hurt. She currently sat up against the headboard with a magazine in her hand, dressed in pyjama shorts and jumper, spending yet another night her before she would wake up at an un godly hour to go patrolling.

It wasn't as if Jake would come to my bedroom during the night anymore anyway, he would spend his entire night patrolling for her, and once again all I could do was silently oblige to his wishes and be the ever supportive friend I was trying so hard to be.

"Please, she'd make sure Jake was in the area so he could save her fucking life for the thousandth time."

I had started off with a light hearted tone, but soon my expression turned sour as I remembered the day he had held her tightly while she shivered, and profusely thanked him for saving her life. I hadn't seen Jake at all in the past couple of months, and even with the fact that Bella's vampire boyfriend was back he still refused to give up, and I couldn't help but constantly wish that it was me he tried so hard to fight for, not that he would really need to since I'd collapse into his arms like a heartbeat.

Noticing my dampened mood Leah tossed the magazine aside, sitting up smiling evilly as her next statement was sure to send me into another fit of laughter. She was I guess the closest thing to a best friend other than Jake and the guys, and when we weren't in a group Leah behaved like any normal person would, well as normal as a female werewolf could go, spending time like this with her would make you surprised that she could ever be so cold hearted to others.

I guess you could say we found some ease in each others company, we to some degree understood and helped each other, my pain of rejection would never get as bad as Leah's was, and as terrible as I felt for her I was thanking the gods for that. She often expressed her opinions of her never wanting me to turn out like her, how I should never become the bitter and stone hearted person she was, that I still had a chance of the love she was denied.

I could understand why she hated imprinting so much, seeing as it took away the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with, I had heard from Embry that they were the happiest couple around, practically on the verge of engagement, but we all know things don't last forever, and fate showed her that in the cruellest way. It seemed so unfair when I looked at it from her point of view, how imprinting possibly would have done everyone a whole lot of a good if it hadn't existed, but as quickly as I think those thoughts they always disappear. Simple because I could never bring myself to regret being this in love with Jake, no matter how much he insisted that imprinting was a curse, and all I had to do was look at Kim and Jared, who had been hopelessly in love with him even before the imprint.

I liked to think that maybe imprinting didn't outright bound you to someone unwillingly, it just made you notice them, after all people like me and Kim could openly admit to harbouring feelings for our other half's even before the imprint. It just made the imprinter see, see what could be and then they did all the rest from there, and in my case Jake decided to resist it, to follow his own path of love, which was already messed up.

God, I was stuck in some love square or something, I loved Jake, Jake loved Bella, Bella loved Jake, but then she loved Edward, and Edward worshipped the ground Bella walked on. Yeah, that even hurt my head to figure out, I don't even understand how it was supposed to work, why it couldn't just be that two people loved each other and that was the end of it.

Leah's loud voice snapped me out of my thoughts, finally delivering the killer line that I had been patiently waiting for, "I have this theory that if you cut off all her hair, she'd look like a British man."

I almost died of laughter then, not at the joke she had just said, but at her ridiculous attempt to pass it off as her own, only making me laugh harder as a mental image of a bald Bella Swan popped into my mind.

"You totally just stole that line from Mean Girls!"

She shrugged, once again leaning back on the headboard and smirking, "So what? It still made you laugh didn't it?"

I nodded, still recovering from my hysterics and wipe a tear away from my eye, "It's even slightly tempting to creep up on her at night and stick bottles of hair removal cream all over her scalp."

Leah shook her head at me, grabbing her magazine once more to resume her page, a small snigger releasing itself from her mouth.

"Silver, your thought process is slightly disturbing."

I crawled to the other end of my bed to sit beside her, my head resting against her shoulder as I scanned over what she was reading, before snorting and pointing to one of the dresses Megan Fox were at some premier.

"That's why you're my friend, and hey don't you think that dress would totally look better on me?"

"Please, don't ask me to answer that."

I nudged her with my elbow in the ribs harshly, knowing fully well that it wouldn't actually do any damage, and the only response I got was a bark of laughter.

So I guess here is where you could say Silver's slowing learn the truth without her memories, which I'm still undecided about whether they would come back or not ... just as a side note if you want them too leave your decision in the reviews! Because I have idea's for both scenario's!

Yes anyway I had read in a previous comment in my reviews that someone wanted to see more Leah interaction, and I was trying to find somewhere to fit it in, so I thought 'what the hell' I'll put it here, pull Silver and Jacob apart for five minutes so she can start to stand on her own, become the independent girl she once was a little!

Replies:

Wolfhappiness: Haha yeah, I just thought she needed to show some volatile behavior to Bella, after all she is taking away the love of her life ;) and hopefully I plan to get another chapter out buy this weekend!

GymnastQueen: Thank you so much for thinking so! Honestly it makes me blush! I'm glad you enjoy my story so much, it's readers like you who encourage me to write on! And the shit will hit the fan in all due time :) and I've taken your suggestions into account, thank you for them, as you can see as I already used one of them ;)

Embrysgirl444: Haha I'm glad you agree! Who does like Bella? I mean I love Stephenie Meyer and all, but bella was just so BLAND for me, I just couldn't connect with her at all! I much better prefer her female protagonist Melanie Stryder in the host, now THAT was an awesome book!

IzzieLove: Awwwww *shucks* thank you so so so much! x3 I hope it keeps you interested for the rest of the story!

MyAwesomnessIsAwesome: It is here! The update is here! And hopefully another one out by this weekend!

onlygirl: Thank you for liking it! I'll do my best to keep updating!

NOW COME ON GUYS LETS GET THOSE REVIEWS UP TO A HIGHER NUMBER!