'All We Do Is Drive, All We Do Is Think About The Feelings That We Hide, All We Do Is Sit In Silence Waiting For A Sign. All We Do Is Drive." – Halsey; Drive
"You've avoided Jacob all day, is everything okay with you two?" Emily's tone was innocently quite, attentive, like a mother who knew she was treading on a fragile subject and was ready to backtrack if need be.
It was endearing, and comforting to know she cared that much about me, especially since my mom wasn't around that much for me to have someone to confide in. Leah was always there for me, but for some reason I felt like talking about my feelings for Jake and the connection I had with him made her uncomfortable, she always tensed up and seemed to be in some sort of pain. She'd look at me like she was dying to tell me something, only she never did.
"This afternoon we bumped into Seth, and some little girl," I admitted from my spot on the floor, I was just by the shore, helping Claire draw butterflies in the wet sand with my fingers, I didn't look up to Emily as I watched little Claire copy me, "and he just … freaked out. He was a total asshole to Seth and the little girl, Nessie? – I'm just tired of him keeping all these secrets from me, he's always suffocating me with how protective he is. I know I should find it sweet, and I do… but it's just… it's too much, you know?"
Emily took a seat next to me, not caring that the sand wet her jeans, I had gotten soaked long ago. I sat with my legs crossed on the floor, trying to ignore the dull pain in my lower back, the pain killers were wearing off, and I had too much pride to go to Jake and ask him to take me home.
The sun had begun to set long ago, and the boys had started up a bonfire after they were done with cliff diving. All night I had ignored the pair of dark brown eyes I could feel boring into the back of my head. Jake hadn't taken his eyes off of me all evening.
"You know the annoying thing about boys?" Emily said, her voice light, "Is that when they do something wrong, they genuinely don't see it. They're too stupid to understand when they've crossed certain lines. He probably thought he was doing what was best for you, and ended up going way over the top."
Emily giggled, "Which is why he's watching you like a hawk from a distance, he's obviously realised what he's done and now wants to give you space." Emily placed a hand on my shoulder, her other one running through Claire's long hair, watching the her nonchalantly sing to herself as she drew endless streams of butterflies in the wet sand, giggling adorably when the way came in and washed it away.
I watched Emily watch her with maternal affection, and thought to myself how great of a mom Emily would one day be, it was like she was born to be a mother.
"You mean so, so much to him, Silver. I know that doesn't excuse some of his idiocy, but give him time, he's still learning. He feels like he's got a lot of mistakes to answer for with you, so he's over compensating."
"What mistakes?! This is my point, what is everyone hiding from me? What has he done that's so bad that I can't know about?"
A grim line spread across Emily's lips, and she failed to keep any eye contact with me as I looked back at her accusingly. She said nothing, and sighed softly, before muttering that she was sorry. That it wasn't her place, and that Jacob would tell me in due time. I shrugged her hand off of my shoulder, failing to look back up to her when she said my name sadly, I shuffled a little away from her. Emphasising that this conversation was over.
It wasn't until later, when night had fallen, and the cold had started to set in that Jake plucked up enough courage to come over to me. I had been sat by Leah, arms wrapped around my knees, drowning out the laughter and conversations as I buried my head into my arms. Attempting to ignore the pain now raging throughout my back, I had soon realised the painkillers I had been prescribed at the hospital were at home, on my desk in my room. Not in my bag in Jacob's car. I had completely bailed on these guys the last time I met them, and I didn't want to do the same thing again, not yet. They had all made so much effort to make this afternoon fun, and Sam hadn't even started roasting hot dogs and burgers yet.
"You wanna go for a walk?" Jake's voice was cautious, and as I raised my head to meet his eyes I took in the completely vulnerable look etched across his face, he attempted to give me an easy smile, yet it came out like more of a grimace.
I could practically feel Leah sneering beside me, but I couldn't find it in me to say no, one look from him had my entire resolve crumbling like it was dust. I nodded, taking his hand as he helped me up, feeling my heart flutter as he interlaced his fingers with mine, his hold tightening.
We stayed silent for the longest time, the only noticeable sound being the lapping water against our ankles. It was like he could sense I was cold, his every moment seemed to be perfectly timed with my own, and without me even asking he handed me his hoody, wrapping it around me. Not that he ever even needed it, the guy had an insanely high body temperature all of the time. I forced back the wince that would have appeared on my face as a stab of pain shot through my lower back, it felt like I had fallen down a flight of stairs and had landed flat on my back.
"I'm sorry about today, I know I'm getting too suffocating for you. I don't mean to be, I swear! I just… I'm so scared of losing you again, Sil'."
"That's not going to happen, Jake. You have to let me breathe, you have to give me space, and you can't keep me at a distance from everything and everyone all the time."
"I know," he said, his teeth gritted together in what seemed to be anger, but anger towards himself, "God I know, but-"
"And a toddler just trying to shake my hand isn't going to kill me. I'm not gonna to stand here and pretend that you're not hiding a bunch of stuff from me, and it's not fair that you are. I deserve to know what's going on, especially if it's got something to do with me before that accident."
Jake halted his steps, turning to face me, and even through the dark I could see the intensity in his eyes. That same intensity that made me feel as if I were the only girl in the world, it made me feel like all the butterflies in the world had relocated to my stomach.
"I promise you, Silver, I promise that it's not always going to be like this. But for now… for now I just want this. You and me and no one else, I want the time I never got with you. I want to spend every waking moment with you because I have this constant fear that I'm gonna wake up and you'll be gone, for real this time. The last time I almost lost you I realised how I can't go a day without you, and anything that has ever jeopardised you scares the shit out of me."
"It's crazy," I said softly, feeling myself inch closer towards him, his forehead resting against mine as my heart beat quickened, "every memory, every moment with you I've forgotten. But- but this? This feeling? This need to be with you all the time, the pain I feel when I'm not… it's the only familiar thing I still have. It's the only feeling I recognise, because even though I don't remember anything about you Jake, when I'm with you, I'm home."
He sucked in a deep breathe, like my words had knocked the wind out of him, he wrapped one hand around the back of my neck, the other rested on my cheek. My heart felt like it was in the middle of a marathon, my breathing laboured as anticipation crept up on me. He was so close to me, now. And I didn't even realise how badly I had wanted this to happen until now, as his lips softly skimmed across my own.
I completely missed his lips, my head lolling against his chest in pain as another excruciating spasm ran across my back, and I bite down on my lip to stop the small groan of pain escaping from my lips.
"What? What's wrong?" Jake's voice was urgent, slightly panicked as he attempted to lift my head from his shoulders, I fought against it, tears springing from the corner of my eyes, "Is it your back? It's hurting isn't it?! Why didn't you say anything Sil?"
"I bailed on everyone last time, I didn't want to do it again."
The strength in his grip was something I never anticipated correctly, he lifted me with such ease that you would have thought he was the one lifting a toddler. Automatically, and out of fear of falling out of his arms, I wrapped my own around his neck.
"Don't be such an idiot," he said sternly, as he began walking back to the camp, his grip under my knees and around my waist were firm, but not so much that he'd cause me pain. He was always so hyperaware of me, and I him. "They're not gonna hold it against you if you're fucking back is in perpetual agony. I'll take you home."
And just like that, everything had returned back to normal. Like we'd never even fought in the first place, it was forgotten so effortlessly, the both of us knowing that fighting was a waste of time.
One Week Before the Accident
I could have tried to have argued against him, I could have said that an army of vamps didn't really affect us, because they were after the Cullen's. Only it was bigger than that, I knew it was, like an army of that magnitude wouldn't end up attacking people on the Rez. That's what hurt the most; knowing that that was his excuse, when in reality we all knew he was doing this for Bella. Only Bella.
Even before the Imprint, before my feelings for him became twisted, deep and desperate, I couldn't recall a time when he had ever done something so drastic for me. I couldn't recall a single time he defied any sort of rules or morals for me, and I had been his best-friend since we were kids.
It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. The same constant thought ran through my mind, day in and out. When he tried to bullshit about what our Imprint meant, the way he looked at Bella whenever he had her for 'watch', and when any of the pack looked at their imprints. It wasn't supposed to be this hard, it wasn't supposed to be so damn painful all of the time.
I could even feel myself growing tired and annoyed with my constant self-pity, but it was all I could do anymore. Fighting for Jacob just pushed him even further away, made him fight against it even more. I wished then, to have been in my senior year, not Junior, so in a few short months I could fuck off to some random state thousands of miles away, away from the pack, and Jake and her. Forget all of it and try to ignore the void inside me that Jake had made.
I guess that was why I finally snapped, I was ready to actually let go now. Because there he sat, in my kitchen, unable to even look at me as he relayed his plans. He was going to spend the night at the Cullens, with Bella and her damn kid. Why can't someone else? I asked, any of the pack are perfectly capable of doing that, Seth especially. He'd imprinted on the damn kid. But Jacob can't give a straight answer when it comes to Bella, he never can.
"It has to be me," he mumbled, his large frame dwarfing the dining table chair he sat in, "I'm gonna be up there with her and the leech for the night."
I pictured it very clear then, him and her, probably huddle close, like a lover. But it was over now, she was married to the Cullen. She had a fucking kid with him. She was a vampire now. And he still wanted her? At least the Cullen boy had it worse than me, he'd have to be there and see it. Read Jake's mind. I didn't think I could handle that.
"If you do this we're done. I'm done."
He stared at me for a moment when he finally looked up, no surprise there, or panic, he looked tired. Like a parent who's kid constantly nagged about wanting to go to Disney Lane despite hearing the same response.
"We're not doing this again, Silver. Not right now. Please don't start." It was the same argument, one we'd had over and over, with the same end result. Him picking her, always her. Only I had finally snapped, and my screaming would not sound anguished or strained, but loud and filled with rage. I'd earned that much.
"Don't start?! Don't you dare fucking treat me like a child when we both know who's in the fucking wrong!"
"Silv-"
"No! I'm sick of this!" He was standing now, taking steps past me and towards the front door, attempting to end the argument before it had even begun. Only I was determined to be the one to end it, I was determined to have the last word. To come out of this with some of myself still intact.
"We can't go on like this, I won't go on like this!"
"Like what?! Go on like I haven't told you over and over and over again that I fucking love Bella?!"
"AND SHE LOVES THE CULLEN GUY, SHE'S FUCKING MARRIED TO HIM! SHE'S A LEECH NOW! AND YOU LOVE ME! I KNOW YOU DO, JUST LIKE YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU! STOP FIGHTING IT!"
Our voices had both risen, and despite his towering form I did everything I could to seem threatening. Saliva sprayed across both our faces as we zeroed in on each other, and I found myself unafraid of him. Unafraid of what his temper could do because for once my anger matched his.
"I DON'T LOVE YOU! WHEN THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA GET THAT?! I LOVE BELLA! I'VE ALWAYS LOVED BELLA, FROM THE MOMENT WE MET AS KIDS I LOVED HER, AND I'LL NEVER STOP LOVING HER! NO FUCKING IMPRINT WILL CHANGE THAT!"
Silence rang out for a few moments, the fury in his eyes never ceasing as we stood in the hall way, the front door between us. I fought the tears that threatened to spill like my life depended on it. I fought them like hell so that he wouldn't win. I won't cry anymore. I won't cry for him. I will be strong.
"Well she doesn't love you." I said acidly, and I felt myself shake with the inconceivable rage that I felt, "she's never loved you. She's strung you along for as long as possible, and you've been licking her boots like a fucking puppy. She'll never be with you Jake."
"I have fought like hell to prove to you that I would do anything to make you happy. But it's never been enough, because you've always wanted what you can't fucking have. It's pathetic. You're pathetic."
Jake scoffed, a snarl at the edge of escaping as he turned his back away from me, striding for the front door.
"I don't have to listen to this," he said through gritted teeth, attempting to keep his anger at bay, but I wasn't done. I knew I was getting to him, I knew I was pushing him. The alarm bells going off in my head were being pushed away, because the satisfaction of knowing that I was getting under his skin this way felt too good. So I carried on. Following him, my voice rising again.
"I first thought being Imprinted on would be a miracle, but with you it's just a fucking curse. I deserve better. Because you're not even close to what's good enough for me. If you cared about me even an ounce, you would never have pulled even half the shit that you have-" I grabbed onto his wrist, attempting to pull him back to look at me, to look in my eyes and see the irreparable damage that he had inflicted on me. To really see it.
"GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME!" He jerked back as I did so, and I didn't anticipate the speed of his movement as his free had lashed out, knocking me off of my feet as his hand connected with the curve in-between my shoulder and neck.
I collided with the wall, the stand that held the house phone and family photos knocking over and smashing. And I briefly saw nothing but white for a few seconds, as my head hit the wall hard. Balance went out the window as I collapsed against the wall, sliding down in it. I couldn't decipher where the pain and shock of it ended and began, I felt dazed.
Blinking for a few moments, it took what felt like a millisecond for my vision to clear up as the pain set in. There was a startling silence between us both as I finally looked up, and I didn't receive what I expected.
Jacob's face wasn't apologetic, or even shocked. His hands were still clenched, but he had taken steps back, many steps back as he still processed what he had just done.
What scared me the most wasn't that Jake had hurt me… but that he looked like he wanted to do it again.
Look who's back! Finally, haha all the reviews have STILL been coming in years later, it's insane, but thank you all for your comments on this getting finished! Not long left now!
Also, this isn't completely the moment Silver leaves, there's still a bit more inbetween before the accident happens, and I think the next flashback episodes will be in Jacob's POV because of the accident. But rest assured, she will be getting her memory back very soon.
Please review!