"I think when it's all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories, but it just all comes back. But he never does. I think part of me knew that this would happen. It's not really anything he said, or anything he did. It was the feeling that came along with it. Crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again. But I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright. But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you? I guess I just lost my balance.
I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him, it was losing me."
– I Knew You Were Trouble, Opening Monologue; Taylor Swift
"Dad, can I borrow your baseball bat?" I called from the top of the stairs, attempting to keep my voice at a levelled tone. The anger bubbling through my veins felt like ice water being poured over you when you were asleep.
"My bat? What for?" He sounded confused, but preoccupied enough to not ask too many questions. He was watching the football game in the living room.
"The guys are playing on the beach later today, I said I'd bring one." The rolled off of my tongue easily enough, and I stepped into his room to grab it before he'd even given me permission.
"Sure thing, just bring it back."
That was a promise I couldn't keep, because at this point I remembered how futile smashing Jake's head in with a bat would be. It'd be like a twig splitting on impact, but it wouldn't douse out the satisfaction of getting to do it. We'd see how great the tables would turn.
I hadn't even given myself time to really sit down and think, or let myself actually digest anything. Liar. That's what kept running through my head. Liars. All of them. Sam, Embry, Quil, Emily, Jared, Seth, Kim, Leah. Jacob.
After everything, after all he had done, after everything he had put me through. And he kept the truth from me. He lied, for months, and pretended he had been this perfect saviour in my life. Like the new me should have felt lucky to have him, like the new me was supposed to be so besotted and in love with him that everything that had happened in the past didn't matter. He got to wipe his slate clean because apparently me almost dying was his fresh start.
No. He didn't get to do that to me. He didn't any second chances. Not anymore.
I ran down the stairs, grabbing my car keys, changing into the first pair of clothes I found draped on my desk chair. Jeans, sneakers and a lose band shirt. Jacob's shirt. I needed to burn so much of my old shit when I got back.
Could you hire a hitman in La Push? I'd have to look it up the Yellow Pages.
I'd have to continue making half serious jokes for the rest of the afternoon until I got to Sam's, I refused to let myself cry anymore. I was not giving him anymore of my tears, I was not going to crumble into a mess for him anymore. Even post-accident me was dependent on him. So pathetically dependent. Who was I anymore?
I couldn't even answer that question as I got into my car, turning on the ignition.
My hands were shaking, and I could no longer tell if it was from the cold, sadness or anger. Maybe it was all three. I bit down on my lip as I drove down the muddy road, tears stinging my eyes as I fought to keep them at bay. How could he do this to me? How could he have been so selfish, again? He'd spent the latter part of my life making me miserable, breaking my heart over and over, and humiliating me. He was supposed to love me, he was supposed to do what was right for me.
He couldn't have possibly thought that anything he'd done in the last six months was for my sake. No. I knew Jacob. I knew him so well I could tell which joke in a movie would make him instantly laugh, and which joke would cause a delayed reaction from him. This was for himself. To clear his conscious, and to get what he wanted because he'd realised what he could lose. If I wasn't done with him before the accident, then I was certainly done now. He'd stripped away all of who I was, and I had helped him. I had. I'd been so willing to let him hurt me, because I'd thought in the end it would have been worth it, and then it'd almost cost me my life. I couldn't recognise myself anymore. That was what hurt the most. I didn't know who I was without him.
What was worse is that most of the time the new me was happy with his suffocating, or at least tolerant of it. She'd only really started protesting when she'd started to remember. When I was starting to remember. I was neither old me or new me. I was a mess of both, clashed together like powder paint thrown in the air together. Neither one making a new colour, just colliding together and looking ruined. I needed to get out of here, I needed to leave like I had planned.
But first, I had to confront my demons. I needed my closure.
He owed me that much, at least.
I marched towards the porch steps, bat in one hand, and the other clenched in an angry fist. Emily was just behind the screen door, pushing it open with a smile, which slowly slid off her face in confusion, and then later, fear. She knew I remembered, of course she knew. Why else would I be carrying a weapon with a face like thunder?
"Silver, honey, why don't you put the bat down and-"
"Get out of my way." I said as I forced my way past her, uncaring of her stumbling once I'd made it through the door.
"Silver, - I can tell by your face-"
"Save it, I remember everything, and I don't want to hear anymore lies. Where is he?"
I'd never thought I'd ever look at Emily the way I was now, with so much ferocity and hurt, my hands shaking. She took a step back, her face crumbling, it didn't matter if she was sorry. It didn't matter if it kept her awake at night, she'd still lied. She'd still let him abuse the fact that I couldn't remember anything. She didn't say anything, not that she needed to. I could hear the laughter coming from the back yard, the distinct voice of Jake's playful voice, informing me of exactly where he was.
I took a shaky breath, my lip quivering as I fought of the urge to cry once more.
"I never- never in a million years, thought someone like you would do this to me, Emily."
Tears began to well up in her eyes as we stood there, together in the kitchen, the sound of the oven pinging being the only noise to break the silence.
She opened her mouth, probably to apologise profusely. But I wasn't here for that, apologies had come too late. What I wanted couldn't come from Emily. And so, I turned away from her, probably for the last time.
I walked through the kitchen, and to the backdoor, forcing it open with my shoulder as I stepped back out.
"Sam!" Emily called behind me, and it needn't be loud enough to catch the packs attention, especially with the alarm in her voice as I stepped down into the garden. Tunnel vision taking over as I raised the bat above me, Jacob only just turning around, football in hand, a smile spreading across his lips for a split second upon seeing me.
"Silver!" The pack had sounded more like a chorus as they all collectively said my name, and I had realised in that moment how I had never put more effort into something, until now, as I brought the bat down to collide with Jacob's head.
"How does it feel?!" I screamed, watching the bat crack and smash into small splinters, only just realising his quick reflexes had caused him to raise his forearm to protect himself, not that he needed to do so in the first place.
His eyes lit up in alarm, and fear, followed by a sudden dawning realisation.
"How does it feel, huh? To be hit by the person who's supposed to love and protect you?!"
I threw what was left of the bat in my hand at him, but he seemed too stunned to bother deflecting it. I felt my arms yanked on by several hands.
"You hit me. You hit me! And you kept it from me, you kept everything from me, so you could get a clean slate- get the fuck off of me Paul!" I snarled, pulling against him and Sam, I didn't need both of me them holding me. I didn't need either of them holding me.
I wanted to punch, and hit and scream until at least some part of me felt better. I wanted to hurt him as deeply as he had hurt me.
"Not until you calm down, and we talk about this properly."
"We?" I laughed out, bitterly, "Does it actually include me this time? Or are you gonna sit around like when I was on my death bed, agreeing to let me think that he was the most perfect man in the world. Like I was lucky to have him?! Keeping me in the fucking dark about my own life!"
"Silver, it wasn't like tha-"
"SHUT UP, LEAH! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP. You're supposed to be one of my best-friends, my best fucking friend! I told you I needed to leave, you watched me cry after what he did, you saw the bruises he'd left on me, and you- you-"
I couldn't finish off what I needed to say, because the feeling of a lump in my throat had finally won, and my stinging eyes finally caved. My arms went limp as I let out the first sob, and with Jacob's word Sam and Paul let me go.
I stood there, for what felt like endless minutes, my arms folded as if to protect myself from them. From all of them, before I forced myself to look up, to all of them. Going through all their faces, as if I were imprinting them onto my minds. Knowing this would be the last time I'd ever see any of them. I almost wanted to cry out in relief, because I was beginning to feel some form of relief.
"What kind of people are you?" I whispered quietly, before looking back to Leah.
"Silver, I was only trying to do what was b-"
"What was best for me? What, all of you were? How would you have any idea, how would you ever know what was best for me if you were never really listening to me?!"
I let out a scream, burying my face into my hands, before looking back up to Leah.
"You were… you sat down with me, a few months ago, and I begged you to tell me everything. I begged you. I thought you were my best friend, I thought…"
I didn't even know what I wanted to say anymore, I was fighting through so many emotions, trying to remember all the rants I had practiced all morning, and on the way here. But I'd realised quickly enough that it didn't go like, all the amazing lines that I wanted to say, that were supposed to really hit home for them had just disappeared from my memory. My mind was a blank. All I wanted to scream over, and over again was what I hated them. I hated all of them.
"You were supposed to love me," I finally said, my head turning to Jake's direction, but I was unable to look at him, instead I just stared at his feet, because it seemed to make it easier.
"Everything was supposed to be easy, we were supposed to work things out like Sam and Emily, and be happy together like Jared and Kim. But you did none of that, I fought for you, I almost died over you. And even now, in the moment you have to redeem yourself, you take the selfish route. Over, and over again you pick your needs, your pain, over mine. You have never put me first."
"Silver," He said quietly, and I had to close my eyes to try and stop the pain that the sound of his voice caused, so much anguish that I almost wanted to believe he was sorry. "Silver, I love you more than anything else in this entire world, sometimes I can't even bre-"
"You're liar! God, you're such a fucking liar! You don't know the first thing about loving someone, you never have! Not with me, and not even with Bella! After everything, even knowing she's a leech and knowing I almost died, that day in your house – oh my god, you let her come over. You let the treaty be broken over her."
I'd placed both hands over my ears, as if that would stop all the incoming thoughts going through my head. It were as if the whole world around my had quietened down, become black and white, but the voices and thoughts inside my head were in screaming colour, so loud that it felt like it hurt my eardrums.
"You let Bella onto the Rez?" Sam's voice rang out dangerously, the growl he was holding back on just waiting to escape.
"It was barely for an hour, and I didn't even-"
"How can you even look at yourself in the mirror and not be ashamed? How can you say those things to me, knowing that you've broken me, and hurt me, and hit me? How can you say you love me when you've stripped me of everything I used to be?!"
"Silver, I didn't tell you because I wanted to – I needed to love you the way you should have been loved in the first place, I needed to treat you the way an imprint is supposed to be, I – I look at myself every damn day and I-"
"Even now, the only thing coming out of your mouth is what you need, what you wanted, how you wanted to show your love. You weren't thinking about what I needed, or what I wanted. I was trying to get out of here, give myself some space, and you knew that. Of course you knew, because Leah would obviously tell you." I screamed out, my hand flying out to motion to my left, where Leah still stood. I could see out of the corner of my eye that she flinched when I screamed.
"When you love someone, you're supposed to do what's best for them, which is why I let you go, which is why I needed you to let me go." I said frustrated, the tears flying rapidly down my cheeks.
"But I didn't want to let yo-"
"It doesn't matter what you want. Not anymore. You don't get to decide what happens with us, you don't get to make the decisions for me anymore. You should have told me the truth, you should have helped me try to remember. Instead you actively took every step needed to stop me from doing that. Just so you could get your happy ending."
He remained still for a second when I finally looked up at him, at this point I don't think either of us knew each other anymore. It was the first time, ever, that I wished none of this happened.
"I wish you'd never imprinted on me," I said solemnly, and his intake of breath over what I said was both audible and visible. His face crumbling into more agony that I thought ever possible.
"Everything would have been easier, everything would have hurt less, and we would still be friends. Because this- this thing, this twisted evil thing, it's not love. It's not healthy. This isn't good for us."
"Silver, please don't do this- just listen to me." He pleaded, taking several steps forward, finally brave enough to come near me. I took a step back, just as he reached me, unwilling to be touched by him.
"No, I don't want to. Because I know everything you're going to say, and I know I'm going to be weak and just eventually let it all go. But I can't do that, I can't do that to myself anymore. I need to finish what I started. I need to leave, and go and put myself back together. I can't be half a person, and neither can you. I will not just be an imprint. We can't both be one half of a whole. That will never be enough for me. I need to let you go so I can finally start to fix myself. Only I can do that."
I wiped at the tear streaks furiously, my resolve finally coming through. My eyes hardening.
"Ever since you imprinted on me, you've controlled me, in one way or another. Every decision I ever made was always over you, or concerning you. I can't remember what it was like to just do something for me. That's how I know this can't work."
"Silver," he reached out, and for one final time I let him take my hand in his, intertwining the fingers like I was so used to doing, "please, just- just give me one more chance. I'm sorry, I love you. Just- we can get through this, you can go to college, and I can wait, but don't… don't leave me. Please."
All I wanted to do in that moment was bury my head in his chest, and just nod in agreement. But I couldn't. I couldn't just forgive him anymore. Not after everything. This was it for us.
"I love you, Jacob." I said quietly, and I lifted out hands to plant a soft kiss on his calloused hand, before slowly releasing my grip from his, "but you're not good for me."
I'd never turned away from him so fast before, I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye as I told him goodbye, and began walking away. Only realising now that none of the pack remained in the garden with us, they must have all been watching from inside. I pushed through the screen door. Unable to look at any of them, but I felt their gazes. All of them. Burning into my skin as if I were a zoo attraction.
I ignored Leah and Emily's calls, recoiling away from Embry's touch as he reached out for me. It was over. There was nothing else to say, this was the end of my story, so I could begin a new one.
I was doing something for myself. No matter how much it hurt, no matter how hard I cried in the car on the way back. Because eventually, somewhere down the line, I'd be out of the woods. I'd have reached a point where I could survive without him.
It was time to start again.
'I don't know if you know who you are, until you lose who you are.'
Fin
This is officially the ending, it's over. I can't believer, after like six years, I finally finished my first ever fanfic on here. I'm still in such shock.
I'm sorry that it's such a broken ending, but I felt this was best. Realistically a couple can't come back from this, not straight away at least. I don't condone physical violence on a partner at all, and I believed her forgiving him, for that straight away, regardless of if he meant it or not, wouldn't be true to myself.
Don't fret, there is technically a bonus chapter coming, sort of a time skip and aftermath. It's just for reader closure really.
But I hope I haven't let you down. I'm in two places about this still, let me know if you felt Silver got the confrontation she needed, or whether you're satisfied, obviously I'm open to revision in terms of their confrontation if no ones happy!