A/N
A quick update, there will be some relief from all the angst soon, it just takes time. Also, I was re-reading the last Chapter and noticed a lot of typos, sorry!
Thanks again for the continued reviews and follows. It's interesting to see how different people react to the story line.
Cheers
Chapter 17
It was almost 6 am and Piper still hadn't fallen asleep, she was too anxious about what would happen when Alex woke up. She still wasn't sure what she wanted, all she knew was that she needed to talk to the younger girl, she needed to know what she was thinking.
Piper had tried to call Sally a few times, but she never managed to get through. She sent her best friend a text explaining that she'd gone to see Alex and would let her know what happened. She assumed Sally had spent the night with John and was still asleep.
Alex had been perfectly still for most of the night, but she was finally starting to move around. Piper's body stiffened as soon as she felt the bed shake, and she waited quietly.
Alex rolled onto her back and very slowly opened her eyes as she groaned. She felt like shit, and she still wasn't sober. She thought she could feel a body next to her and took a closer look, at first she thought she was still dreaming, but then she heard that familiar voice.
"Alex, are you okay?"
Alex had no idea why Piper was lying next to her, "What the fuck happened last night..."
"What are you doing here?"
"I called you last night. You didn't sound so great, I wanted to make sure you were okay."
Alex rolled over so her back was facing Piper again, she wasn't ready for all this. Her mind was still a complete blur, and she definitely didn't remember receiving any phone calls last night.
"I'm fine, your conscience is clear."
"That's not what this is about Alex." Piper tried to keep her cool, but after driving all the way down here and waiting all night for Alex to wake up, she wasn't in the mood for the brunette's attitude.
"Then what's it about?"
"It's about us..."
Alex closed her eyes again, "I didn't think there was an us anymore."
"I never said that. I told you I needed time alone, I never said I wanted this to be over."
Alex knew Piper was right, but she didn't say anything. What could she possibly say to make Piper feel better?
"Are you gonna say something?"
"What am I meant to say Pipes? I cheated on you, I'm a fuck up. I can't change any of it."
Piper put her hand on Alex's arm, everything about the brunette's voice was cold. Alex had never spoken to her like this before.
"I don't know..."
The two girls stayed in silence for a few moments, neither of them knowing what to say or how to start trying to fix things. So Piper decided to keep it simple.
"You were pretty out of it when I got here last night."
"Yeah, well, it was New Years Eve."
Piper was starting to lose her patience. She knew Alex was upset, but she had no right to be acting like this.
"Could you just, not act like a child for five minutes?"
But Alex kept her silence going, she was doing her best to completely disconnect herself from the situation.
"You don't get to treat me like this Alex! You're the one that cheated on me! Not the other way around."
Alex knew Piper, and she knew the blonde wasn't going to let it go. She rolled over and sat up on the bed, she'd have to wait a little longer before she could escape reality again.
"I know! So why the fuck are you here? I can't change it Pipes, I can't undo any of it, and I'm never gonna cut Nicky out of my life. So what the fuck do you want from me?"
Piper stood up and kept shouting at Alex, "I want you to talk to me like I'm a fucking human being!"
"That's what I've been trying to do all week!"
"And I told you I needed time alone, away from you!"
Alex groaned and rubbed her eyes, "Look, I'm hungover and I feel like shit."
"Then maybe you should stop using drugs and alcohol to solve all your problems Alex!"
Alex jumped off the bed and stood right in front of Piper, resisting the urge to throw the bedside lamp across the room.
"Fuck you Piper! You have no fucking clue how I deal with my problems!"
"Yeah, because you won't fucking talk about it! I need you to open up to me! Fucking talk to me. But no, you're probably right, the way you currently choose to deal with shit is clearly working out great for you..."
Piper knew she'd hit a nerve, she could see it in the brunette's eyes.
"It is actually! I will never be good enough for you Piper, so just go. Go find someone else that isn't such a FUCK UP!"
"I don't want someone else you asshole! I want you..."
0-0-0-0-0
Nicky dragged herself off the couch to go to the bathroom, she felt like crap. Even through her hangover, she could hear screaming coming from one of the bedrooms, it sounded like Alex and Piper. Then Nicky remembered Piper was in the house last night, "She must have stayed the night..."
Nicky walked towards the room, the shouting kept going. This time it was Piper's voice she could hear through the door.
"I don't want someone else you asshole! I want you..."
Nicky couldn't hear anymore talking and knocked on the door before she walked into the room.
0-0-0-0-0
Alex kept looking at Piper, she didn't expect the blonde to say she still wanted her. She had thought Piper hated her.
Alex was thinking about how to respond when she saw the door open, and Nicky walked in. She saw Piper turn around with anger plastered all over her face, she didn't want to be interrupted, especially by Nicky.
"Get out!"
"Hey, I'm just making sure everything is okay, I heard screaming."
Piper kept her focus on Nicky, she didn't want her to be there.
"Fine. We're in the middle of something, we need some time alone."
"That's cool, I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
Piper had enough of Nicky's apologies, and she wanted her to get out.
"Enough Nicky! Just get out, we were in the middle of talking."
"Okay..."
Nicky felt like she was stuck to the spot, and she stood there staring at Alex. That was just enough to push Piper over the edge.
"Get the fuck out! You've done enough damage here."
"Look, how many times do I need to apologise!"
"I don't care about your apologies Nicky! You have made things hard enough for us! So why are you still standing here?"
"Because Alex is my best friend and I wanted to make sure she was okay!"
"Well she's fine, so please just give us some space."
Nicky looked to Alex, she wanted to know what her friend was thinking.
Alex nodded and tried to give Nicky a small smile, "We need some time Nick..."
"Okay, I'll give you guys some space."
Alex was relieved when Nicky finally closed the door and left them alone. She didn't know how to get Piper back and stay friends with Nicky at the same time.
0-0-0-0-0
An hour had passed, and Alex and Piper were still locked in the same room. Alex had a headache, she felt like they were going around in circles, but at least they were talking. She felt like Piper was searching for something to make herself feel better, but she wasn't sure what that was.
Alex stayed still as Piper sat next to her on the bed. Even though they were still trying to work things out, she couldn't ignore how good it felt to have Piper sit so close to her. But the next question Piper asked made her feel horrible.
"Do you love her?"
Alex sighed, "I love Nicky as a friend, but I don't love her the way I love you."
Piper knew Alex wasn't lying, but she still didn't know how to rebuild that trust. She needed to believe that Alex would never hurt her, but she still wasn't sure if that was true.
"Okay..."
"Do you still love me."
"Of course, but you really hurt me Alex."
"I know..."
There was something else Piper needed to talk about, something she knew would be tough for Alex.
"I really hate the way you deal with things sometimes. I came here last night because I was worried about you. I couldn't wake you up when I got here, I had to get Carrie to help me carry you to this room. Do you remember any of that? Do you remember me calling you last night?"
Alex felt embarrassed, she didn't remember anything, "No."
"Doesn't that scare you? Anything could've happened to you last night, and you wouldn't remember any of it."
"Pipes, I didn't want to remember. I know I shouldn't do it, but fuck, I couldn't take it. Sometimes it's the only way I know how to get through it, I just wanna forget. And last night I needed to forget about you."
Piper put her hand on top of Alex's and leaned in closer, "Why did you need to forget?"
Alex tried to stop her voice from cracking, but it didn't work, "Because it hurts too much..."
"Why didn't you let Sally help you?"
"I didn't want help Piper. I felt like a complete asshole, I still do. I didn't want to feel better about myself, I wanted to feel bad. I wasn't ready to deal with it all, I was angry with myself."
Piper was trying to process everything Alex was saying. They both dealt with their problems in completely different ways. Piper tried to pretend like everything was fine, and Alex went into self destruct mode.
"Pipes, I wouldn't blame you if you walked away from me. You deserve more than I'll ever be able to give you."
Those words upset Piper. That seemed to have become Alex's default, just saying that she wasn't good enough. Piper was sick of hearing it.
"What can't you give me Al?"
"I don't know..."
"That's not a good enough answer. I feel like you're trying to push me away."
"I don't want you to stay out of pity, or because you think I'll do something crazy if you leave."
Piper hated hearing the way Alex was talking about herself, it was like the younger girl had no idea how much she meant to her.
"Would you do something crazy if I left?"
Alex gave Piper a smirk and nudged the blonde with her shoulder, "Well that depends on your definition of crazy."
Piper laughed and nudged the brunette back, resting her head on Alex's shoulder. Piper was relieved to see her finally smile.
"If I stayed, it wouldn't be out of pity Alex, that's insane. It'd be because I wanted to. Nobody has ever treated me the way you do, I need you to know that."
"Okay..."
Piper closed her eyes and kept leaning her head on Alex's shoulder, she tried to focus on what it felt like to touch her again. She breathed in deeply when she felt Alex press her lips to her head, it gave her hope that they still had a chance.
0-0-0-0-0
Alex was relieved when New Years was over and she was back home with Sally. Her and Piper had agreed to keep talking to each other, but Piper said she still needed more time to think. Alex still felt miserable, but being able to talk to Piper make her feel so much better, like maybe they still had a chance. But things were still awkward between them, and the blonde still wouldn't come over to their apartment to hang out with Sally. Everything was changing, and Alex didn't want Sally to suffer because of her mistakes.
Julie was coming over later that day to discuss their living situation, and Alex had already made a decision. She felt like she was ruining Sally's life, she wanted her sister to have a break from it all. Alex could already see the change in Sally since she finally admitted her feelings for John, and she didn't want to stand in the way of her friendship with Piper. But most of all, Alex knew that Sally would always drop everything for her, no matter what the circumstances were. Alex felt like Sally would never have her own life while she knew how much she relied on her for support. Alex wanted to give Sally a break and try rely on herself more, even though she had no idea how to do that.
The two sisters were sitting at the kitchen counter eating lunch when Alex decided to tell Sally the truth.
"I'm gonna say yes to Julie."
Sally put down her sandwich and looked at her sister, "What?"
"I'm gonna go live with her for a while."
"Alex, no fucking way, I don't want you to move out."
Alex sighed, she could hear the hurt in Sally's voice, but she thought it was for the best.
"Well, I think I need to move out, give you some space."
"I don't want space, I want you to stay with me, I want to look after you kid."
"Maybe I need to learn to look after myself..."
Alex looked down at the kitchen bench while Sally stood up and placed her hands on her hips.
"Is this about Piper?"
"I don't want you feel like you can't be friends with her because of me."
"That's not how I feel Lex."
"It's more than that anyway. You deserve your own space, I just fuck everything up."
Sally started pacing back and forth, she was desperate to convince Alex to change her mind. There was too much going on in their lives right now, and she was afraid that Alex would stop talking to anyone and become even more insular, even more depressed. No one, no matter how old they were, should feel like needing help was bad, especially her 16 year old sister.
"I won't let you walk out of here because you're convinced it's the only way to make things better. It's not gonna make me happier Lex, it's not gonna make a difference to my friendship with Piper. And I don't think it's good for you to be isolated with someone like Julie!"
Alex had nothing else she could say to Sally, she'd already made up her mind. For once, she wanted to put Sally first.
0-0-0-0-0
Alex spent that night packing her things, it's not like she had much anyway. Sally was angry, she knew how sensitive Alex really was, and she was worried about her living with someone as disconnected as Julie.
Julie got to the apartment just after 7:30 pm. Sally answered the door and gave her a cold stare. She'd heard Alex on the phone to Julie earlier, telling her that she agreed to moving out for a while. Sally stepped aside and let Julie into the apartment, still not saying a word.
Alex was in the bedroom getting the last of her things, and Sally used the opportunity to share some honesty with her aunt.
"Don't fucking hurt her, don't treat her like shit."
Julie looked tired, she knew how Sally felt, but she really did believe she was doing the right thing.
"I promised your mother I'd take care of you two. I know I haven't always been there.."
"You were never there!"
"Fine, okay, I wasn't there. But I'm trying now."
"No, you're just trying to absolve your conscience. You have no idea what she needs."
"And what do you need Sally? Why don't you use this opportunity to get some down time for yourself? Re-charge, Alex will be okay. It's not like I'm stopping you two from seeing each other, you're always welcome at my place, and she can always come here."
Sally didn't bother responding and walked into the bedroom where Alex had just finished packing her things. The two sisters stood there looking at each other until Sally wrapped the younger girl in a hug, squeezing her tight.
"Call me any time okay, I love you."
Alex tightened her grip on Sally. The truth was that she was petrified of moving out, she was petrified of sleeping alone at night. But she was doing it for Sally, that's all she needed to remember.
0-0-0-0-0
Alex didn't say anything to her aunt on the drive to her house, which was only ten minutes away. Once they arrived, Julie showed her around the house, and showed her which room she'd be sleeping in. There was nothing special about the house, but it was better than anything Alex had lived in before. There were three bedrooms, a reasonably big kitchen, a separate laundry, and a real back yard.
Alex slowly unpacked her things in her new room, she'd never had a room to herself before. She eventually noticed Julie standing in the doorway, looking serious. Alex finally took a moment to look at her aunt, she looked alot like Diane, but with short light brown hair and blue eyes.
"Do you need any help?"
Alex shook her head. But there was something she needed to know, something that had always been in the back of her mind, but she'd never had the courage to ask about.
"Why were you guys so distant from each other? Mum never spoke about you much, and you never called or visited."
Julie sighed, she really wasn't in the mood to talk about Diane.
"It's complicated Alex."
"So? It's not like we don't have time. If I'm gonna live here with you, I want to know what happened."
Julie thought about it for a moment. She knew she'd never really been there for her nieces, maybe she did owe them an explanation for why she was so absent from their lives. She wanted to at least try.
"God, I don't even know where to start Alex. Did she talk much about your dad?"
Alex shook her head, she hardly knew anything about her father other than his name, Lee.
"Okay, well, Diane met your dad when she was 17, he was a few years older. Our parents hated him, but of course that never stopped Diane. By the time she was 18 she was pregnant with Sally. Dad was so mad, he wanted Diane to stay at home, away from your dad. I was a few years younger, I always looked up to her. Believe it or not, we were really close when we were teenagers."
Julie stopped talking for a moment. It had been a long time since she'd spoken about any of this. She'd forgotten how much it hurt.
"Anyway, Diane moved out with Lee before Sally was born. That's when we started to grow apart. I think I almost resented her for moving out, it's like she left me behind. After that, dad didn't want her coming to the house anymore, I hardly ever saw her. I don't know why she stayed with Lee, he treated her like shit. Then by the time she was 20, she was pregnant with you."
This was the most Alex had spoken to Julie in years, she'd never heard this much emotion in her aunts voice before.
"Did you ever visit her?"
"A few times, but Lee was always a mess. Then they started moving around alot, and we lost contact. I'd hear from her occasionally, but that's about it. Our parents were pretty upset by that point, they wouldn't let her move back in."
"Did she ask them if she could move back home?"
"Yeah, after things fell apart with Lee. That asshole left her with nothing, you were only one year old. But our parents wouldn't let her move back in, I don't think she ever forgave them for that."
"Then what happened?"
Julie walked into the room and sat on the bed. She wished she could tell Alex more, but there was a lot about Diane's life that she didn't know.
"I'm not even really sure Alex. We didn't have regular contact. I know she moved around alot, sometimes she had to stay in shelters. But eventually, once you and Sally were older, she managed to hold down regular work and get a place."
"We never heard much from you..."
"I know...it was hard. I don't think she ever forgave our parents for turning her away. I know it wasn't all her fault, but I felt like she abandoned me. She wasn't there when our parents died, that really hurt. But that doesn't mean I didn't miss her, I did. We just grew apart over time."
Alex sat next to her aunt on the bed. She had no idea her mum and Julie had ever been close. It made her want to know more, it made her feel closer to Diane. Alex suddenly realized that Julie was the only person left that could tell her anything about Diane's past, and she wanted to know everything.
0-0-0-0-0
Sally called Piper after Julie and Alex had left, she needed someone to talk to. The blonde arrived an hour later, she didn't understand why Alex had agreed to move out.
Sally started making them both coffee, while Piper sat at the kitchen counter.
"Why did she agree to it? She was so against it before, she said she'd never move in with Julie."
Sally turned around and handed Piper a coffee, "I'm not sure Alex even knows what she's doing. She's convinced herself that my life will be easier if she doesn't live with me anymore, which is total bulshit. It's just gonna make me worry about her."
"Is it because of me?"
"It's more than that Pipes. Honestly, I think she's confused after the last couple of months. But it's good that you guys are talking now. Maybe she wants time alone to work out how to get her shit together, I don't know."
"Do Carrie and Nicky know?"
"I have no idea, not unless Alex has told them, which I highly doubt."
"They're not exactly my biggest fans at the moment."
"Just ignore them Pipes, you don't deserve any of their crap."
Sally knew Nicky and Carrie would always defend Alex, but they had no right to lash out at Piper. She really hoped that Nicky would find a way to deal with her feelings, before she ruined her own life and Alex's.
The two girls moved to the lounge room and kept talking. It felt so weird without Alex in the apartment, Sally didn't think she'd ever get used to it. It was nearly midnight and Sally didn't want to spend the night alone. She didn't usually have trouble sleeping like Alex did, but she couldn't relax tonight. She couldn't stop thinking about why Alex moved out.
Sally could see Piper was getting tired, but she didn't want her to leave.
"Will you stay with me tonight?"
Piper smiled and grabbed her friends hand, "Of course."
The simple fact that Sally asked her to stay made Piper feel so much better. It made her realise that Sally wasn't going to push her away, that she didn't need to worry about losing her best friend.
But Piper was still worried about losing Alex. She needed to find a way to trust her again. But she also needed to find a way to get Alex to open up more.
Piper followed Sally into the bedroom and started rummaging through the drawers to find some pyjamas. She dug her way to the bottom of the drawer until she found what she was looking for. It was the old white tank top that Alex liked to wear to bed. Piper took it out of the drawer, it still smelt like her. It made her feel like Alex wasn't so far away, like maybe they'd find their way back to each other soon.