Chapter 19

For the first time in weeks, Alex actually felt happy as she took her seat next to Nicky in their English class. They both had a free period up next and headed to the library as soon as English was over. Not that they ever actually studied in the library, but Alex loved the quiet space. They sat away from the other students, hiding behind bookshelves in the back corner.

Alex would never cut her best friend out of her life, but she knew she needed to do something. Things had gotten out of hand between her and Nicky, and Alex felt guilty for letting it happen. She needed to make sure Nicky knew the boundaries, and that she was never going to give up on Piper.

"Nick, I need to talk to you about something."

"Everything okay?"

Alex took her time, she was genuinely concerned about how Nicky would react to what she was about to say.

"Look, I really want to make things right with Piper."

Nicky gritted her teeth. She took full responsibility for her part in everything, but she still didn't like the way Piper had treated Alex. She knew Alex fucked up, but she couldn't help being protective over her. Nicky knew how much Alex wanted the blonde back, but she also didn't want to be cut out of Alex's life.

"She treated you like crap for a while there Alex."

"Yeah, and I deserved it, I deserved more. I need her to trust me again, I need to get her back. At least she's talking to me now. But I need to prove myself to her all over again."

"Yeah, I get it Vause. I just don't want you to lose yourself in the process."

Alex tried to gather her thoughts before she kept talking, she was starting to feel anxious.

"You know how much you mean to me Nick, but I need to make things right with Piper."

"So what, you're cutting me out of your life?"

"No! I'd never do that. But I think we need to cool it for a while, until she trusts me again."

"And what the fuck does that mean?"

Nicky was getting angry, she felt like she was about to lose the best part of her life.

"It means that I need you to be patient. Maybe we shouldn't spend time alone together for a while."

"Are you serious? Did she ask you to do this?"

"No, she hasn't asked me to do anything. I'm asking you to do this for me, I can't lose her Nick."

"And what about me?"

Alex reached across the small table and grabbed Nicky's hand, this conversation was breaking her heart.

"Nick, I don't wanna lose you either. Please, please help me out here. I don't blame you for what happened, we both fucked up. But I need you to meet me halfway, just for a few months."

Nicky kept her eyes focused on the old table, concentrating on everything students had carved into the wood over the years. She ran her fingers over all the bumps and lines, she remembered doing the same thing with Alex when they first started high school together. That just made her think about all the sleep overs, late nights smoking joints in the park, and movie nights. All of that was about to stop, Nicky couldn't process it all. She knew Alex was saying it would only be temporary, but that wasn't the point.

This was the first time that Nicky truly realised what it all meant. She finally realised that Alex would always put Piper first. She finally realised that she would never be Alex's girlfriend.

0-0-0-0-0

Alex waited in the school parking lot for Julie at the end of the day, the older woman had insisted on picking her up. She eventually saw the old blue sedan pull up in front of her, and she got in the front seat.

Things were quiet in the car at first, Alex couldn't be bothered talking to her. But eventually, Julie started the conversation.

"Your Principal was very apologetic this morning."

Alex scoffed, Caputo was only apologetic because the whole situation made him look bad.

"He didn't seem so bad."

Alex wasn't going to let that comment slide by.

"Are you fucking kidding me! He ignored me and Sally for two years, he never did anything about Healy. Now everything went to shit and he doesn't want anyone to think he's the bad guy."

"What did I say to you about all the swearing!"

Both women tried to swallow their anger. Alex waited a few more minutes before asking Julie if she could go visit Sally and Piper. Although, she didn't tell her aunt Piper would be there.

"Can you drop me off at the apartment later?"

"It's a school night Alex, why don't you save that for the weekend?"

"Because I'm not waiting until the weekend to spend time with Sally."

Julie was tired of fighting, every time she thought she'd made some headway with Alex they seemed to start arguing.

"Fine, but I don't want you staying too late. You could barely get out of bed this morning."

Alex had never told her aunt about her sleeping problems, she wasn't ready to be that open with her. She was just relieved Julie agreed to let her go to the apartment tonight, there was so much she needed to say to Piper, and she wasn't willing to wait.

0-0-0-0-0

Julie dropped Alex off at the apartment just after 5 pm, and insisted on picking her up no later 10 pm. It felt so weird to walk up those stairs, going to the apartment to visit.

She didn't have to wait long at the front door before Sally let her in. Alex looked up to see a huge smile on her sisters face as they hugged.

"Hey kid, did Julie drop you off?"

"Yeah, who knew leaving the house on a school night would be so complicated."

Alex let go of her sister and walked into the apartment. Her eyes went straight to Piper, who was reading a book on the couch.

"Hey Pipes."

Piper tried to hide how happy she actually was to see the brunette, slowly getting off the couch to say hello.

Sally stood back and watched the two girls exchange awkward hello's. She was so relieved that they were finally talking again, she just hoped Alex had it in her to pull back from Nicky.

0-0-0-0-0

Alex and Piper were sitting at the kitchen counter, trying to decide what to get for dinner. But Alex was desperate to tell her about her conversation with Nicky.

"I spoke to Nicky at school today."

Piper immediately felt uncomfortable at the sound of that name, but she let Alex keep talking.

"I told her that I needed to focus on making things right with you."

"Okay, what does that mean?"

"It means I told her we need to spend some time apart, and not be alone together for a while. I think she needs time to get her mind straight. And I..."

Alex paused for a moment, but she forced herself to keep going.

"I can't lose you Pipes. I will do whatever it takes for you to trust me again."

Alex had never laid her feelings so bare, not to anyone. But she was willing to try if it meant getting Piper back. She had no idea how the blonde would react, she almost looked shocked.

"Okay, I wasn't expecting that..."

Alex moved her chair closer to the blonde, "Nicky will always be my best friend, but I know there's things I need to work out with her, things I haven't paid enough attention to in the past. But right now..."

Alex sighed before she could keep talking, "I just miss you Pipes, and I feel horrible about what happened. I don't want you to be unhappy because of me."

That was it, Alex didn't have anything left to say, she nervously ran her fingers through her hair.

Piper took a moment to let her mind process Alex's words, she knew how hard it was for the brunette to talk about her feelings like that. She leaned over and kissed Alex on the cheek, it was the simplest way she could let her know how much those words meant to her. She didn't want to get ahead of herself, but she was really starting to believe that things might work out between them.

0-0-0-0-0

Alex walked down the street with Sally, they were going to pick up the Greek food they'd ordered for dinner. Piper had stayed back at the apartment to do some homework.

Sally hadn't spoken much to Alex lately, and she was worried about how her sister was coping with the new living arrangements.

"So how are things really going with Aunt Julie? And don't you dare tell me it's all fine, I want a real answer."

"Cutting straight to the chase huh Sal? What about you and John, has he proposed yet?"

Sally grabbed Alex's arm and stopped them both, she knew Alex was trying to avoid the reality of the situation, but she needed to know how she was feeling.

"Cut the crap and tell me the truth. How are you coping?"

Alex looked across the street, trying to decide how to answer that question.

"Talk to me Lex."

"I don't really know what to say, it's weird."

"How is it weird? Is she treating you okay?"

"She just, fuck, I don't know. Sometimes she really opens up, she's willing to talk about mum. But then sometimes she just gets annoyed about everything I fucking do."

Sally linked her arm through Alex's and kept leading them down the street.

"Well, you are pretty annoying."

Alex laughed, "Thanks Sal."

"What has she said about mum? She never talks about her."

"Not too much, just what it was like growing up, that they grew apart. She says she only gets frustrated with us because she wants our lives to be easier."

They eventually got to the Greek place, but Sally stopped them before they went in to pick up their food.

"But is she treating you okay?"

"Yes Sally, I promise you it's fine."

0-0-0-0-0

It was 9 pm, Alex had one more hour before Julie would be there to pick her up. One more hour to spend with Piper, it wasn't enough. Alex lay next to Piper on the floor while Sally was in her room on the phone to John.

Piper decided they should watch Donnie Darko, which was now playing on the TV while they lay next to each other on the floor. They started out lying there, with plenty of space between them. But as the movie progressed, Piper inched her way closer to the brunette. Eventually, she ended up with her head on Alex's shoulder, pressed into the long dark hair. The younger girl moved her arm as soon as she saw how close Piper was getting, inviting her in to cuddle.

Piper tried to pay more attention to the movie than the first time she'd watched it with Alex. That was the first day they'd met, and Piper still remembers not being able to keep her eyes off the brunette.

The movie was nearly over, but parts of it just made Piper feel overwhelming sadness. Some of the lines made her worry about how Alex thought about the world, and her life.

I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to

Every living creature on this earth dies alone

If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories.

Destruction is a form of creation

Piper propped herself up on her elbow and looked down at the brunette. She wanted to try and understand what was going on inside her head, how her mind actually worked.

"Are you afraid of your memories?"

"I don't know, it's complicated..."

Piper believed that Alex genuinely struggled to answer the question, but she needed to understand.

"Is that why you drink and smoke so much when you're upset? Is it a relief?"

"Sometimes...I guess the memories can't hurt me if I'm too drunk or stoned to think about them. It means I can finally relax."

"But not all memories are bad Al."

"I know. There's just been a lot of bad ones in the last couple years."

Piper kept looking down at the brunette, "There are good things to look forward to, good experiences you just haven't had yet."

"Maybe, but it's hard at night time, when I try and sleep. That's when my memories do scare me. And I know I'm not the only one with problems, I know you have your own bad memories. I just haven't worked out how to not be scared of mine."

Piper was completely taken aback by what Alex said. She wasn't sure what to say, she just leaned her head back against Alex's shoulder and wrapped an arm around her waist. They lay like that until they both fell asleep.

0-0-0-0-0

It was just after 10 pm and Julie was losing her patience with Alex. She'd spent the last ten minutes calling Alex and Sally, but neither girl answered their phones. She was sick of sitting in the car park being ignored, and decided to walk up to the apartment.

She had visions of Alex running away or doing drugs, so many possibilities were running through her mind. She found herself standing at the front door and started knocking, but no one answered. She knocked again, but there was still no answer.

"Fuck!"

She slammed her fists against the front door, determined that someone would answer her. Eventually the door opened and she saw Alex standing on the other side.

0-0-0-0-0

Alex didn't even realise she'd fallen asleep, but she couldn't deny how good it felt to lie there with Piper in her arms.

She was woken up by loud banging, it took her a while to realise it was someone knocking at the front door. She reached over and grabbed her phone, and she instantly sat up. She saw five missed called from Julie, and it was nearly 10:30 pm.

She accidentally woke Piper up in the process, "Hmmhh, Al, what are you doing?"

Alex didn't have time to respond, and ran to the front door. She swung it open and saw Julie standing on the other side, looking absolutely furious. She stormed past Alex and into the apartment, that's when the yelling started.

"I told you to be ready by 10 o'clock! What have you been doing all night!?"

Alex was still half asleep, and not ready to start making sense. She was relieved when she saw Sally walk up behind her, but she knew this situation wouldn't end well.

"What the hell is going on?"

But Julie was seeing red, she was angry at Alex and she wasn't about to calm down. She'd seen her father do it to Diane so many times when they were growing up. She'd always hated him for it, but right now she still couldn't stop herself, she was directing all her anger at her nieces.

"I've been trying to call both of you for the last half an hour! This is exactly why I can't trust you girls..."

Julie was about to keep shouting when she saw another figure in the background, it was Piper. She turned back to Alex, but with even more anger this time.

"You told me you were coming here to see Sally. I did not let you come here so you could have sex with your girlfriend, you're only 16 Alex!"

Alex finally snapped. Julie didn't even give her a chance to explain, she just automatically assumed Alex was ignoring her or was going to run away. She always just assumed that Alex was doing something bad, she never gave her a chance, and Alex was over it. She took a few steps towards Julie and unleashed her own anger.

"Fuck you Julie! I didn't come here to have sex with Piper! I just wanted some fucking time with her, and Sal, you always think the fucking worst of me!"

Alex could see the change in Julie's eyes, but she kept going. She was sick of her aunt insulting her whenever she got angry, now Alex wanted to hurt her back.

"Don't take your bulshit out on me just because nobody wants you!"

It took Alex a moment to realise what even happened, but it was obvious when she felt the stinging sensation in her cheek, the same fucking cheek she'd had surgery on. Alex knew she crossed a line, but she wasn't expecting Julie to slap her, especially that hard.

Sally pushed past Alex and Piper as soon as Julie's hand touched Alex's face.

She pushed the older woman back, "What the fuck is wrong with you! Get out of here!"

Julie couldn't move, she didn't mean to hit her that hard, she couldn't bring herself to speak.

"Get the fuck out!"

Julie managed to find her voice, she knew she'd overstepped the mark, but she still wanted Alex to go home with her.

"I'm sorry! I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry girls."

Julie tried to step past Sally so she could check on Alex, but Sally was not going to let her anywhere near her sister.

"No, you stay the fuck away from her, she is not going anywhere with you."

Piper couldn't believe what just happened, she was pulled back into reality by Alex's groaning as she gripped her face.

"Let me take a look Al, I promise I won't hurt you."

Piper gently placed a hand over Alex's, and eventually Alex moved her hand so Piper could see the damage. Her cheek looked red, but at least it didn't look like it had fractured again. But Piper did notice a small drop of blood in the corner of Alex's mouth, they just couldn't catch a break. Every time something good happened, life seemed to have other plans for them.

"Come with me to the bathroom Al."

Piper lead Alex slowly towards the bathroom, she wanted to get the brunette away from Julie and all the shouting.

Meanwhile, Sally kept trying to push Julie out of the apartment, "Get out of here before I call the cops."

"I'm still her legal guardian Sally! You can't just push me out of her life."

But Sally kept pushing her back, "I am not letting her go back to your house. Just go, I'll come get her things tomorrow."

Julie had never been good at apologising, it wasn't something the adults around her ever did when she was growing up. But she never meant to hurt Alex, she never meant to hurt any of them.

"You are not calling the shots here Sally, I only want what's best for her."

Sally couldn't listen to any of it anymore, all that mattered to her was protecting her little sister.

"I knew I should never have trusted you, just stay the fuck away from us, go home."

Julie knew she had no chance of getting Alex home with her tonight, and she quietly left the apartment. She would try again, but she knew her nieces would need time.

0-0-0-0-0

Sally slammed the door shut and tried to calm down before she went to Alex, who was still in the bathroom with Piper. After a few deep breaths, Sally walked to the other end of the apartment to check on her sister.

"I'm not letting you go back there Lex. Are you okay?"

Alex was sitting on the edge of the bath tub, with Piper next to her. Piper was holding a cold hand towel against Alex's face.

"I probably deserved that."

"She has no right to hit you, I won't fucking let her touch you."

Sally knelt down in front of her sister so she could check her face.

"Let me see."

Piper moved the hand towel so Sally could see the damage. She knew her sister would be okay, but she couldn't shake that instinct to take care of her. It wasn't a promise she was willing to break, even if Alex didn't think she needed taking care of.

"Stay here tonight Lex."

Alex wished she was stronger, she wished she had the guts to go back to Julie's house, but she didn't. All she wanted was to stay with Sally and Piper, they made her feel safe.

"Thanks Sal. Sorry, I wasn't trying to cause trouble, I honestly just fell asleep."

Sally stood up and let Alex lean into her chest, "I know kid, we all did. She didn't need to react like that though."

Alex felt guilty, she was so sick and tired of feeling guilty, "I've been pushing her buttons a lot lately."

Sally put her arms around her sister. She of all people knew that Alex wasn't always easy to deal with, but she still couldn't let the younger girl think that Julie's actions were justified. That's how things always started, first with pushing and shoving, then maybe slapping, then punching. Sally knew that Diane and Julie's parents, especially their father, had been a strict disciplinary, but it wasn't an excuse. She and Alex had seen enough violence, Sally didn't want to see any more.

"Fine, but I'm still not okay with her hitting you. Please stay with me Alex, this is your home, here with me. I miss you."

Alex closed her eyes and finally let herself be honest with Sally.

"I've missed you too, I don't like being there without you."

Alex looked up, she could see her sister's eyes pleading with her.

"Then please come back home."

Alex leaned back into Sally's chest and wrapped her arms around her waist, "Let me think about it."

0-0-0-0-0

Sally forced Alex to keep an ice pack on her cheek for a while, at least until the red mark went away. They all took their time, talking in the lounge room as they tried to calm down. It wasn't long before Sally fell asleep on the couch, while Piper and Alex lay together on the lounge room floor.

Piper cuddled into Alex's side, her head resting on the brunette's chest, an arm around her waist. They had both gotten changed before they lay down. Both of them were wearing shorts and tank tops, and all Piper wanted to do was melt into the other girl. She kept her arm around Alex's waist, letting her fingers slip under the material of the tank top. It felt like it had been so long since she'd touched Alex like this, and then her fingers touched the familiar scar on her side.

"Alex, are you still awake?"

"Mmhhh, only just."

Piper felt Alex tighten her grip around her as soon as she spoke. The blonde couldn't bring herself to believe there could be anything wrong about something that felt so good.

"I wanna try again."

Alex's voice was louder this time, but still heavy with sleep, "What?"

"Us, I want us to try again."