Chapter 22
It was finally the weekend and Alex was lying on the roof of the apartment building, her head in Piper's lap.
It had been a tough week, and the brunette was in the mood for an existential conversation, "Do you think we're in control of any of this?"
Piper kept running her fingers through her girlfriend's hair while she thought about the question.
"What? Life?"
"Yeah, do you feel like you're in control?"
"Not really...I can control what I do, but that's about it. I can't control what you do, I can't control my parents, it's actually pretty scary."
Alex looked up at the cloudy sky, "What about being happy? How do you control that?"
"You make me happy."
That response just made Alex smile, "Obviously! But I'm not exactly the picture of stability, I'm sure I drive you nuts sometimes."
Piper had to laugh, Alex did drive her insane at times, but that didn't mean she wasn't happy.
"But now you're talking about something completely different, you're assuming that you can't drive me nuts and make me happy at the same time."
"Aha, touche Chapman!"
Alex sat up and wrapped her arms around Piper's neck, pulling her in for a kiss, "So what now? I make you happy, but you can't control me and I drive you nuts. Do we drive off into the sunset, guns blazing?"
"I was thinking we'd keep it simple, like just order a pizza and watch a movie that I choose. Save your blazing guns for the end of senior year."
Alex leaned in again and smiled against her girlfriend's lips, "So I can give you total control over the movie selection, and still be happy? I like the sound of that."
Piper laughed and playfully pushed the brunette away. It felt so good to see this side of her again, the playful side, the thoughtful side.
"Okay smart ass, time to go inside, I'm freezing out here."
Alex stood up and offered a hand to Piper. She helped the other girl stand up and pulled her in close, taking off her own jacket and tossing it around Piper's shoulders. She was in complete control over how she treated Piper, and she didn't want to make any more mistakes.
0-0-0-0-0
Piper picked the movie while Alex ordered the pizza. Sally was spending the night at John's house, it was the first time she'd stayed with him overnight. It made Alex happy and almost sad at the same time. Life was changing, and they were all growing up. It wasn't just her and Sally anymore, sometimes it felt scary, but the good kind of scary. The kind of scary that reminds you that you're still alive, that life can still be good.
The last of the sunlight was almost gone, and Piper had finally picked a movie.
"Okay Pipes, what's it gonna be?" Alex had gotten comfortable on the couch and was ready to settle in for the night.
But Piper didn't want to put the movie on yet, and sat in her girlfriend's lap, "Let's keep talking for a while, I miss seeing this side of you."
"I can do that."
Alex pulled her girlfriend in closer and kissed her softly.
"Mmhh, that's cheating Al."
"Nope, definitely not cheating."
Alex wrapped her hands around Piper's waist and pulled her in closer, "Okay, ask me anything."
"What do you see happening in the next couple years?"
"Hmmm, well...You'll probably go to college, I'll still be in highschool. I'll miss you like crazy, and force you to come visit me as much as you can. Then I'll come visit you and make sure everyone knows you're mine. Sally will probably start a chef apprenticeship with Red, so I'll still be living here with her. Then after I'm done with school, maybe we can think about moving in together."
"You really think about that stuff?"
"Yeah, of course. I've been thinking about the future alot lately, and you're always in it."
Piper leaned in to her girlfriend and hugged her. She had no idea Alex thought about them having a future together and even living together. It made her feel so good inside, it gave her another glimpse into Alex's mind, and how much their relationship really meant to her.
She'd been worrying so much about what would happen when she went to college, knowing that Alex still had two more years of highschool. But she felt so much better knowing that Alex was already thinking about it and planning how they'd get through it.
Piper whispered into the brunette's ear, "You need to call me every night before you go to sleep."
"Most definitely, you know I can't sleep without talking to you first."
Piper relaxed and lay in Alex's lap with her head resting against the other girls chest. She closed her eyes and almost dozed off, until she heard Alex's voice again.
"Still wanna watch the movie?"
"Yeah, but let's get comfortable first."
Piper got off Alex's lap and collected their usual collection of blankets and pillows from the bedroom. She placed everything on the lounge room floor and lay down with her head on Alex's chest, their arms around eachother.
0-0-0-0-0
Alex woke up the next morning on the lounge room floor. It was nearly 9am by the time she rolled over and pulled Piper in close to her. The blonde was still sleeping, and Alex didn't really want to get up.
Alex felt herself drifting back to sleep when her phone started ringing. She groaned as she rolled over to answer it, then she saw the name on the screen, it was Nicky. Alex had agreed to give her friend as much time as she needed, but she wasn't expecting a call this soon.
"Since when are you up this early on a Saturday Nicholls?"
Nicky's voice sounded a bit scratchy and tired, but it was still her.
"Hey, I'm turning over a new leaf. You should join me sometime."
"I'll leave the early mornings to you."
The line was silent for a few moments before Alex spoke again.
"How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay. So, what are you doing today?"
"No plans just yet, you wanna hang out?"
Alex wanted Nicky to know that she'd always be there for her, and that she was serious about helping her get through this.
"Yeah...yeah, that'd be nice."
"Okay well, how about you pick me up around midday and we can spend the afternoon together."
The two friends arranged their afternoon and said their goodbyes. Alex put her phone down and rolled back over, draping an arm across her girlfriend's body.
"Want me to make you some breakfast?"
All she got out of Piper at first was a groan.
"Just stay here with me."
Alex couldn't resist the idea of staying in bed with Piper, and lay down again, wrapping her arms around the other girl. But she couldn't stop thinking about Nicky, she didn't want to wait to tell Piper that she'd be spending the afternoon with her best friend.
Alex brushed the messy blonde hair from Piper's face, "Nicky just called me."
The mention of the other girls name was enough for Piper to open her eyes.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah, but she sounded lonely. I asked if she wanted to hang out today, I feel like she needs someone to talk to. Are you okay with me spending a few hours with her? Then I'm all yours tonight."
Deep down Piper wasn't entirely comfortable with Alex spending time alone with Nicky. But she's the one that said she wanted to try again, and she knew she needed to put her trust in Alex if she wanted the relationship to work.
"I know she's in a bad place right now, I know she needs your help. I don't want anything bad to happen to her, but you being alone with her will still be hard for me for a while."
"I want you to trust me again Pipes, I don't wanna do anything you're not comfortable with."
Piper pulled the brunette in closer, "Spend the afternoon with her, then we can do something together tonight."
Piper leaned in and kissed Alex on the end of her nose and then her lips. She was nervous, but this relationship meant too much to her. She was still afraid of getting her heart broken, but she couldn't bring herself to believe that Alex would ever intentionally hurt her.
This was her leap of faith, but it was worth it.
0-0-0-0-0
Piper left the Vause apartment after breakfast, leaving Alex to shower and get ready for her time with Nicky.
Alex found herself standing under the hot shower stream, and she couldn't stop her hands from shaking. She felt like this was the first time she'd ever felt nervous about spending time with Nicky.
She needed to try and relax, the last thing she wanted was for Nicky to feel uncomfortable or out of place.
Alex was out of the shower and absently brushing her hair when she heard the knock at the door, it was Nicky.
She adjusted her glasses for the hundredth time in the last 15 minutes before she finally opened the front door. She saw a tired looking Nicky standing on the other side, but there was still the faintest hint of a smile on her lips.
"Hey Vause."
"Hey Nick, come in."
Alex stepped aside to let Nicky into the apartment, but she felt so stiff. She didn't want to feel that way around her best friend. She suddenly felt so overwhelmed by her own emotions and desperation to help Nicky, all she could bring herself to do was pull the other girl into a hug.
Alex was so relieved when Nicky hugged her back, and she was so sure she could hear the shorter girl exhale in relief.
Alex finally found her voice while they were still hugging, "I miss you."
"Me too."
The two girls held onto eachother for a few more moments before they broke apart.
"Okay Vause, enough with the sappy shit. Where's Sal today?"
"She's with John, she spent last night at his place."
"Holy shit! So she's having sleep overs now, must be getting serious!"
Alex laughed, but she was thrown off guard by Nicky's next question.
"And what about Piper, where's she at today?"
Alex tried to keep looking at her friend, but it still felt weird talking to her about Piper.
"I think she's spending the day with her grandma. Then she's coming over tonight."
There was another moment of silence before Nicky's voice cut through the air again.
"How about we go shopping today? I thought we could hit up some record stores, and maybe a few of the op shops in town."
"That actually sounds pretty awesome, we haven't done that stuff in forever."
Alex loved the idea of sifting through old records and second hand books. She and Nicky used to sift through old records every weekend, it felt good to revisit those memories.
The two girls left the apartment and jumped into Nicky's car. Alex wasn't paying much attention to the roads until Nicky stopped the car and she realised they were not at the record store, they were at the cemetery.
"What's going on Nick?
"I've been thinking about Diane alot lately. I just...I needed to come here with you. I hope that's okay."
Alex was lost for words but managed to respond eventually, "Yeah...yeah of course."
They got out of the car and both walked towards Diane's grave on auto pilot. Alex felt her heart skip a beat when they were standing in front of the headstone. Sometimes she felt so desperate to be there so she could feel closer to Diane, other times she dreaded it.
Right now she didn't know how she felt, and she waited for Nicky to start talking.
"I know I fucked up lately, I'm not delusional Alex. I've been trying really hard to get my mind straight, it's still kinda hazy. And I know drugs were never gonna solve anything, but I didn't know what else to do."
Alex reached out to grab her friends hand, "Nick.."
"No, you gotta let me finish Alex, before I lose my nerve."
Alex nodded and kept holding onto the other girls hand.
"I felt like such an asshole after you and Carrie found me that day, and I was embarrassed. I was thinking about you guys alot after you left, and then I couldn't stop thinking about Diane."
Nicky's voice was starting to crack, but she was determined to hold it together.
"Ever since we've been friends, you and Diane were a refuge for me. Everytime I fought with my parents, whenever they made me feel fucking worthless, you guys were always there for me."
Alex let her mind wander back to all those times when they were younger, when Diane would stay up with them and watch movies. When Diane would comfort Nicky because she thought her own mother didn't love her.
"I swear, I wished so fucking much that Diane could be my real mum. She always listened to my sob stories, she always made me feel better, and she didn't hesitate to call me out on my bulshit. Fuck, she even managed to convince me somedays that my mum actually loved me."
Nick took a deep breath before she kept talking.
"That night after you and Carrie found me, after you left, I couldn't stop thinking about Diane. She would've kicked my ass if she saw me doing that shit. I actually felt ashamed...I tried to remember all the things she used to say to make me feel better. I couldn't face what she'd think about me, sitting in my room using drugs to get through the day."
"I know you miss her too Nick."
Nicky kept her eyes locked onto the headstone, "It really fucking sucks without her. And I know it's so much worse for you, but I really did think of her as another mum. And I couldn't deal thinking about her reaction to what I was doing. I still feel like I wanna make her proud, you know?"
"Yeah, I know Nick..."
"And I know that she'd definitely want us to support eachother, no matter what. So you know what? I'm really fucking determined to get through all this shit."
Nicky had been so nervous about bringing Alex here today and getting this all out in the open. But right now she could see the emotion in her friends face, she knew she didn't need to be nervous anymore.
"I need Diane to know that I'm not a fuck up, that all that time she spent with me wasn't for nothing. And I need her to know that me and you will keep looking out for each other. And hey, I'm not fucking stupid, I know none of this will be easy, but it needs to work out. I fucking need things to work out."
Nicky exhaled and closed her eyes, that was it, she had nothing left to say. She stood there and stared at Alex, she needed to know what her friend was thinking.
"Things will work out Nick, they have to."
Alex stepped closer to Nicky and put an arm around her shoulders. She'd been so scared about what was going to happen, but she needed to start believing that everything would be okay.
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Alex and Nicky stayed at the cemetery for a little while longer before they headed towards their favourite old record stores. Alex felt so much more at ease after their visit to the cemetery, it brought everything back to a central point. It helped her to realise that both she and Nicky were battling the same demons, and they all needed to stick together and get through this crazy life together.
Both girls knew it would be alot harder to earn Piper's trust back, but they both needed to keep trying.
Neither of them found much to buy that afternoon, but it didn't matter. It felt like they were a couple of goofy 13 year olds again, trying to find their own space to exist in, all the while knowing that they needed to look out for eachother.
0-0-0-0-0
Nicky dropped Alex home not long after 5pm, leaving another hour before Piper would arrive.
Alex felt exhausted when she walked back into the apartment, but in a good way. The type of exhaustion you feel when you manage to let go of so much anxiety, and your body and mind start to feel so much lighter.
Alex kicked off her shoes and took off her glasses before falling asleep on the couch while she waited for Piper.
0-0-0-0-0
Piper was running late on her way back to Alex's apartment, she didn't get there until almost 7pm. She was looking forward to them having another night alone together, but she was also nervous to hear about Alex's day with Nicky.
She knocked on the door 3 times but there was still no answer. Luckily, Alex had given her a spare set of keys for the weekend, so she was able to let herself into the apartment.
She walked towards the lounge room, and just as she suspected, Alex was asleep on the couch.
Piper picked up her girlfriend's glasses from the floor before leaning down and kissing her on the cheek. But Alex barely stirred at all, so Piper tried again, this time running her fingers over Alex's cheek.
"Al, I'm back, time to wake up."
Piper smiled as Alex scrunched up her face, "Mmhhmm, what time is it?"
"Almost 7."
Alex reached out and wrapped her arns around Piper's neck, pulling her in for a hug.
"You're late."
"And you were fast asleep."
Alex pulled back from the hug so she could kiss the blonde properly, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
The two girls kept hugging, until Alex eventually sat up on the couch and made room for Piper to sit next to her. Piper loved the way Alex cuddled into her side, but Piper needed to know how things went with Nicky.
"So what did you and Nicky do this afternoon?"
Alex sat up so she could look Piper in the eye, "It actually went alot better than I thought it would. It's weird, we ended up spending alot of time talking about my mum."
"Was your mum close with Nicky?"
"Yeah, pretty much. Nicky's parents aren't exactly hands on, so Nicky spent alot of time with us. My mum was always trying to give her advice, keep her out of trouble."
Alex smiled at the thought of those old memories.
"She said she really wants things to work out, and I believe her. Anyway, then we went shopping for the rest of the day. It felt nice, like how things used to be."
Alex could see the tense look on Piper's face, and she felt the need to reassure her.
"I promise Pipes, nothing bad happened. She actually asked about you."
Piper rest her hand on Alex's knee, "What did she ask about?"
"Just what you were doing today, I told her you'd be back here tonight."
Piper really did appreciate Alex's honesty, but it would still be a slow process.
Alex could practically see Piper's mind going into overdrive, so she decided to change the topic.
"And how about your day, how's your grandma?"
Piper was happy for the change of topic, and it reminded her that she had a proposition for the younger girl.
"It was really good actually, I feel like I haven't spent enough time with her lately. She makes me feel special every time I'm with her."
Alex loved hearing Piper talk about Celeste, she certainly seemed to fill the void left by Carol's harsh exterior.
"Actually, she asked if we'd have lunch with her next week."
Alex almost choked on thin air, "Is she sure about that? Because the last family get together didn't go so well."
"C'mon Al, it won't be anything like that. It would just be me, you, and maybe Cal. My mum won't be there."
Alex gave Piper a quick kiss, "Of course I'll come to lunch. You guys organise the details and I'll be there."
Piper was so happy and relieved that Alex had agreed to lunch. She really wanted her grandma to get to know Alex. But she also wanted her girlfriend to know that Carol was slowly coming around.
"You know, my mums been alot better about our relationship lately."
Alex scoffed, she couldn't see any part of Carol being happy that Piper was dating another girl, let alone a girl like her.
"I find that hard to believe Pipes."
"I'm serious Alex."
Alex could see Piper's mind wandering, and the blonde kept talking before Alex could say anything.
"Ever since...ever since Sam was arrested, she's been more understanding. I'm not saying she's happy about it, but it's a big step for her. It showed her that you weren't the bad guy, that you were willing to put yourself on the line to protect me."
Alex hated thinking about that day. So much had happened in a short space of time since then, and she just wanted to forget it ever happened.
"I know she's hard to take, but she's still my mum."
"I get it Pipes, I won't write her off if you say she's getting used to the idea of us. And just for the record, I will always want to protect you, no matter what happens."
Piper smiled and leaned into Alex's chest. For all the rough patches they'd had in the last few months, she knew that Alex would always look out for her, no matter what situation they found themselves in.