A/N: One more for your lovely people! My daycare kiddos are taking forever with their lunch so I had time to edit and finalize this chapter now already instead of tonight. I'm bad at posting at a set schedule. Once its done I can't wait for you guys to read it and tell me what you think. But I'll see if I can post more often so there is not such a gap between chapters.
Life is busy with work with the little ones here and my 4 kids, two of whom are teenagers and then I'm still supposed to take care of the house and make meals when all I want to do is write!
SO enjoy this heartfelt chapter. This is me digging deep to feel and and try to get across to you some of the deepest feelings in Damon's heart there were parts that made me cry while I was writing it. Tell me how I did!
"Damon, I'm far from perfect." she mumbled, her head down.
"Shh!" He put his finger to her lips. "I'm not done. You keep that adorable little mouth closed and you soak in my compliments. Because angel, I mean every last one of them from the deepest parts of my soul."
She shut her mouth and shivered at the feeling of Damon's finger on her lips. She obediently kept her mouth closed, her eyes focused deep into his.
"I want you know that besides my mother, who shouldn't really count, no woman, not one has loved me in my life. I've been used and tossed aside, had woman bat their eyes at me just cause they heard from a friend how great I was in bed. I've had women lie to me, treat me like a sex toy and ignore or dump me when another man she hasn't bedded comes along. I've been rich all my life, had any car I wanted, bought anything a woman could desire and still no one saw deeper in me than the surface."
He pulled her closer and watched her eyes on his, her expression sad for what she was hearing. "This... right here. Sitting like this, talking and sharing. Not pillow talk after sex, but what we have been doing is real, deep sharing. About your parents, being engaged, the dream of us having a baby, no matter how unreal that is. Just sharing our fears and being there for each other. My God baby, no one has cared to see that in me."
He felt a tear wanting to slip down his cheek and normally he would sniff it back up and pretend it didn't happen. But he knew with her, he was safe. She was his safe haven from all the hell in the world. All the rejection and pain and loneliness.
"I have never cried in front of anyone before Elena, till you and Stefan saw it yesterday. Just my mother, when I was little boy. But with you I know its okay to be real. I know you don't see it as a weakness. I know that you accept me, all of me. You have no idea what kind of a gift that is. You are perfect. You may not think so but you are everything just for me and I want to be everything for you." She nodded and caressed the cheek that the tear fell down but stayed quiet letting him share.
"I know I have done horrible things and when you first knew what I was, you were scared of me. That is the mask I wear for everyone, even for my own brother. I've always hidden behind my humor and the snarky comments and insulting someone first before they hurt me. It was safer like that. I avoided getting hurt by not letting people get too close to me, because all they ever did was hurt and use me. It was easier to just be the bad boy, the one with attitude that the girls all wanted but no one saw the real me. They just wanted to ride me like a ride at the amusement park and then race off to the next one. Shallow, live in the moment, shitty emptiness."
Elena rested her forehead on his and pushed a lock of his raven hair away from his eyes. She could not imagine people treating Damon like that, her Damon. He deserved so much better. He was incredible and she had seen it more in the last two days than the whole time she had known him.
"I was Stefan's protector from our father for years and did everything I could to keep him safe and even confessed to things that he did to keep my father from hurting him." He smiled at her affection toward him and swallowed hard to finish what wanted to say. It was like he just wanted to pour out his real, raw feelings to her, finally finding that safe place to be real.
"I built such high walls around my heart to not get hurt by trusting anyone ever again. I didn't trust my father cause all he ever did was hurt and abuse me. He was nothing but disappointed in me. I didn't trust my mother. She just died and I was mad at her for leaving Stefan and me with father alone. I didn't even trust Stefan, because he stole the only girl I thought I loved and he turned me just cause he didn't want to be alone." He took a deep breath not entirely sure where this was all coming from but it felt so good to tell her.
"That night when you hugged me at tomb after seeing that Katherine was not there. That was the first time in decades that I felt any kind of real compassion, real love from anyone."
He smiled at her as he saw her looking bashfully up in his eyes. "I mean it, Elena. You saw past all the crap, you saw underneath my masks, my sarcasm, my stupid ass wit and you found me that night in the dark graveyard. I was so taken aback by your gesture that I have felt like an idiot for not hugging you back that night and had regretted it ever since."
She was in awe of his words, snuggling close trying to offer him any comfort that she could.
"I told you a while back that you were my only friend. And don't you think for a minute think that the only reason I love you is because I have no one else. That is a total lie. You showed me what love actually is. What I thought I had with Katherine was crap compared to you. I know you probably hate that I have been with so many other women. I hate it too, I do. Hell, I hate it that you have been with anyone but me."
He grabbed her face almost shaking her to show her how much she meant to him. "You are a treasure Elena, even if you don't see it. I have no right be jealous of Donovan or my baby brother. But me being with other women... showed me the diamond hidden in a shit load of coal. I found my diamond and I'm going to put one on your finger as soon as we get the hell out of here, to remind you of this moment. The moment I told you how much you meant to me."
There were more tears slipping silently down his cheeks and he smiled as she wiped them away with her kisses on his face. He found her hands and twined his fingers in with hers and pushed her down on the bed underneath him again.
"You truly are everything I don't deserve and how you love me I can't even understand and feel so unworthy of it. I've been such an ass to you Elena. I knew you were in love with my brother and you were never a conquest to me. But those moments when I flirted with you or did that eye thing you hated."
He was doing it right now, just to get her to smile as he rubbed his nose with hers. "See baby, I love that smile" he stroked her chin. "That eye thing made you smile, even if it wasn't a real smile. Even a fake angry smile from you would light up my day. And I flirted with you saying, such sexy teasing comments, just to get you to look at me. For you to see how my eyes were hopelessly drowning in everything about you."
She inhaled deeply just taking in all he was saying. "God, Damon. I love you so much," she breathed out just watching him hovering over her. She had no idea what to say, or how she could ever say anything as beautiful as what he just poured out of his heart to her.
Their eyes were locked onto each other and his breath was coming out of him in shallow pants. He was pressing her into the mattress, his fingers still tangled in hers and his shirt on her was now open and had slid to the sides of her body, allowing her chest to press against his. His head fell down by her ear and he licked and lapped at her skin, kissing down the hollow of her neck and across her to her shoulder. He paused, his lips pulling back from her.
"I love you too baby, so, so much. I feel bad admitting this too but the times when you slapped me...when I tried to compel you to kiss me, or when you tried to hit me when you were pissed that I ruined your plans to turn yourself over to Klaus, or even when you hit my chest over and over, mad that I would not let you see Stefan in the tomb. I uh knew that you were upset or hurt and as sad as that made me, I just wanted to feel you touch me. I could feel your skin against mine and it felt like heaven. I'm sure it sounds cheesy but I took whatever you offered to me then."
It felt like the floodgates of his emotions were free after so long and he just could not stop sharing with her all the feelings he had locked away back when he first knew her. When she was still his brother's girl.
Elena untangled one hand from his and ran her fingers through his hair that was falling into his eyes. How could she have ever found someone so unbelievable? She ran her fingers down his wet cheek and saw him smiling down on her as her one finger pulled at his bottom lip, teasing him.
He opened his lips and putting his hands under the back of her head, just pulled her toward him capturing her lips with his. Her hands gripped his shoulders holding him tight against her as she deepened the kiss and gave him all that she was.
He lifted his head, detaching their lips after a few minutes of hungry kisses. "I want you Elena. All of you and only you forever. I could go on and on about how beautiful you are. Your long soft, silky hair drives me absolutely wild. It is my favorite part of you, smelling its sweet scent, running my fingers through it, tugging on it when I am making you mine. Your eyes are unending, so deep and I get lost and feel dizzy every time you look at me."
"You have no idea how hard it was not to touch you when you were with my brother. Every time our eyes met I just wanting to fucking slam you against the nearest wall, till you screamed my name." He heard a little gasp from her lips at what he said. She really had no idea that effect she had had on him for so long already.
"You neck is the sexiest, smoothest more tender neck I have ever drunk from. You blood is like heaven with splashes of honey and berries when it slides down my throat. I love how your nose wrinkles when you are thinking so hard. I love how you grip my arms, or my back when we are making love. I love how you smile and stick your tongue at me when you are shocked at my daring cocky comments. You look so amazing, you do. But the real beauty is right here."
He moved a hand down to just above her breast and caressed and kissed the skin there and then laid his head against her as she stroked his hair. "Your heart, who you are. How you actually listen and hear me and care about me. How your heart goes out to Stefan and how you want to take his pain away. How you listen to your best friend and hear that she has feelings for the man that wants to kill you and you find a way to see her love of him and tell her you want to help her save him. How you have been willing to sacrifice yourself for me and risked your life in that tomb. How you were there for Jeremy no matter how much he kept trying to push you away."
He lifted his head once more and stared in her eyes. "You are nothing short of amazing Elena Gilbert and I will love you and show you how much to mean to me till I take my last breath."
Elena was crying now and he kissed her face to wipe away the tears. "Wow Damon," she sniffled. "Are you sure we didn't just get married?"
He laughed and buried his head against her neck. "Well, I think you might have some idea of how my vows will sound. Sexy enough for you?"
She smiled and nodded at him vigorously, her eyes shining with love for him. "Very much, Salvatore."
"You kissing me and licking my skin all over yesterday to heal everything that the wolf or Stefan or anyone had damaged on me was the most selfless thing anyone has ever done for me. I have never experienced love making like that. Hell, I have never made love to anyone else. Kat always like it rough, not slow and tender."
He leaned up on his elbows to gaze into her eyes. "So, in answer to your question before...you have been my first too. The first woman I made love with, the first woman that has ever kissed me and healed me like you did. I have never made love on the beach, and believe it or not I am not a part of the mile high club. Not to say I wouldn't like to be," he teased her wiggling his eyebrows.
"I have never rolled around kissing in the fall leaves with anyone, or kissed someone at the top of a mountain, or watched the sunset with someone, or had sex in a hot tub, or taken my girl on a picnic and fed each other food. I've never even kissed and made out with someone special on New Years Eve or kissed someone I loved under the mistletoe. There are so many firsts, moments, that I have saved just for us, not even knowing who I was waiting for."
Elena's tears had been streaming steadily now. She must be dreaming. The man meant for little Baby girl Gilbert, as her dad used to call her, was more astonishing that words could ever describe.
"Thank you so much, Damon. You never have to worry about being used, or abused or lonely ever again. You are mine forever."
She pulled his lips back onto hers, hungrily captured his mouth. He did his best making her feel secure with his wide range of knowledge and comparisons. And hearing his feelings, so raw and beautiful made her feel like the only women in the world. That she rocked his world and he saw so much deeper than just a woman's looks.
Her face grew more serious as she took in a deep breath. "I know you think you have my parents to thank, but you know I would not be here if it weren't for Stefan. He saved my life on the bridge that day. I blew off family night. Game night, to go to a stupid high school party. And things with Matt didn't go so well, so they came to pick me up." She raised her hand to her forehead wishing she could go back to that night and change it.
Damon was quiet letting her share. He had no idea how things had turned from him showering her with love to probably the most guilt ridden night of her life. But he wanted to be there for her however he could. That she felt comfortable to share with him, that meant so much to him.
"They died because of me Damon. You could have met them. They could have been so excited for our engagement and my dad could have walked me down the aisle to you." She was crying now, tears slipping slowly down her face. "They won't be there for mine and Jeremy's graduation, to see either of us have families of our own. They will miss everything because of me."
Damon grabbed her face in his hands as he looked at her, his eyes pools of sadness wishing he could take away her pain. "Hey, hey, baby. Don't you dare say that. You did not cause that accident. Hell, I should have stopped it from happening."
She sniffled. "You what?" She didn't understand. "You were there too?"
He nodded and pulled them both up to sitting, leaning back on the headboard and tugging the blankets around them. "I was. I saw you. I talked to you. I thought you were Katherine. I had come back to town as you well know to get the bitch out of the tomb."
"But Damon, I don't remember..." At first she paused and then realized what must have happened. "You compelled me? What did you say?" Her eyes were wide as saucers at him, wondering why she had never known or why he felt he needed to hide that they had met, before Stefan even.
"I didn't want anyone to know I was back yet, but yes I did talk to you. You were so innocent and sweet. You told me you had a fight with your boyfriend and that he had your life all planned out. And you said you didn't know what you wanted."
He was cradling her in his arms as he shared. He had always wished he hadn't compelled her then or anytime that night. Meeting her had been incredible. He had felt drawn to her then already without even touching her.
"I told you I knew what you wanted. That you wanted a love that consumes you. You wanted passion, adventure and even a little danger. And I wanted you to get everything that you were looking for." He saw her studying him so seriously, taking everything in. "Shit, Elena. I am so sorry. Your parents pulled up just then and I just let you go. I had no idea that you would almost fucking die that night. I already felt our connection that night when all I knew was your name." His head fell, his eyes staring down past her to the bed spread. He felt so horrible that he had not stopped her accident.
She was shaking her head and him and pulled his face back toward her. "No Damon, it was not your fault."
"Well it wasn't yours either," he snapped back. "You know what I was doing when you left? I was feeding on your boyfriend." He saw her eyebrows raise. "Yeah, I know. I was jealous even then and mad that he was pressuring you into a life you didn't want. It only took me a few minutes to find out who Elena's boyfriend was at the party and I dragged him away from the other people and compelled him to stop pressuring you and to respect your decisions and put you first. Like I would have done."
He didn't think her eyes could get wider. "It was stupid I know and I didn't hurt him, just fed on him and healed him after. I just felt like I needed to protect you, back then already." He hung his head again. "But typical dick me. It was not Donovan that you needed protecting from that night. It was the damn water!"
"Damon," she breathed, her eyes so soft on his. "I had no idea." She was not sure what to think about everything he said.
He wasn't finished. "Thank God for baby bro. I saw him pull you to the bank of the river, and then he must have heard something like some of the kids were nearby so he just raced away. I could not believe that it was you laying there so still. I sped over and saw you weren't breathing. I gave you CPR Elena and you started choking and after a few minutes of me thinking I had lost you, before I even knew any more about you, you were breathing."
Damon looked shyly up into her eyes thinking back. "I have a confession to make sweetness..." She sat up straighter in his lap and nodded for him to continue. "Um, I uh. That kiss in the tomb...the one the wolf forced on us."
"Yeah," she said warily, having no idea what he was getting at.
"Well that wasn't actually our first kiss." His eyes were dark with worry, but then brightened as he looked at her with hope that she would forgive him for this. "I kinda talked myself into believing that it didn't really count as a first kiss either. I hadn't thought about it till now. But yeah, after giving you CPR, you had your hands on my face and you were looking so deep in my eyes. I didn't even realize it till it was happening that you had pulled my head down to yours and once your lips touched mine I was already lost in you."
Elena could not have been more shocked. He had kissed her? Way back in May already?
Damon could tell Elena was busy processing and had hardly said a word to his story. He didn't even really know why he was telling it, but part of him wanted her to know. He didn't want anything between them. He took another lungful of air and continued his version of that night.
"You wrapped your arms around my head and had your hands in my hair and you really kissed me Elena. We only broke apart once the emergency crews sirens were ringing in that they were coming and by then you looked so weak and you fainted in my arms. I wrapped you in my jacket, stayed with you till the ambulances and police cars arrived, holding you in my arms till they took you away from me. I was laying at the bank of the river just telling you this was not your time yet. That was the first time I held you and kissed you and I felt pulses just racing through me as you were laying in my arms. I knew right then that meeting you was not an accident."
Elena's mouth nearly hit the floor. "Oh my God, Damon. I remembered someone talking to me, soothing me as I was struggling to breath. I felt arms around me. But when I told Sheriff Forbes she said I must have been hallucinating. That I had swallowed too much water and was not thinking straight. That was you?!"
He smiled and brushed her hair from her face and kissed her temple, his one hand cradling her waist and the other running through her hair. "I compelled the emergency workers and you that I was not there. But I didn't take away your memory of me holding you and comforting you, just the kiss, that had already felt so wrong for me to have let happen when I knew you were so young and innocent. You looked so weak and so dizzy too and had been seconds from death and you were the first girl that I took pity on and cared about since Katherine. And for you to look just like her was uncanny! Hell, I almost gave you my blood to make sure you would be okay but the doctors said you just needed to rest and that you would be fine."
"No one knew how I had gotten out of the car and when Stefan told me what happened, it all made sense. But I had no idea you had been there too."
"Mm hmm, I knew Stefan would take off. Being on his bunny diet, he would have had no strength to compel anyone. But I stayed with you till Liz found Jeremy. And then Caroline and Bonnie rushed in to comfort you and I just stood back in the hallway watching. I felt such a pull to be with you. I waited till they all left that night and I laid with you in the hospital bed. You were so out of it and they had given you sedatives to calm down because you were screaming and crying for your mom and dad. I held you while you cried and sobbed for your parents. I rocked you and you fell asleep on my chest. You even looked up at me once and lifted your hand to touch my cheek and it felt like fire zipped from your fingers to my face."
Elena was clinging to him now, her hands tight around his neck. "I can hardly believe it. I tried to tell people; Bonnie, Jer, Care even Jenna that I felt like an angel had comforted me in the hospital that night. That I thought I would have had horrible nightmares and yet I remember dreaming of waterfalls and picnics and swimming."
Her head shot up from where she was cuddled by his neck. "Wow, Damon! That wasn't the first time you took me to the Mystic Falls in my dreams was it?"
He shook his head timidly. "I just couldn't stand hearing you cry. Your sobs were heart wrenching, even to this vampire that pretty much had a one track mind on Katherine back then. But I felt so bad that I could not help you once you and Jeremy went to go live a Liz's place. I hadn't been invited in and so there were so many nights I just sat outside your window there.
"And slowly as the months passed, you cried less and had fewer nightmares but I missed you terribly. I had to be careful because Stefan had taken quite a liking to you and he almost caught me in your backyard once you moved back, a couple times. I know I was horrible to him in the beginning when I let myself be discovered after months. But I was not serious about ever hurting you. I just knew threatening you in any way would piss him off big time and I hated him for stealing Katherine from me and her being trapped in the tomb."
"But I did keep my distance and I focused on my plan to get Katherine back. But God, baby when I finally had gotten myself invited in to your house...you have no idea how happy it made me that I could be there for you again and protect your dreams. I know it was wrong and you can hate me if you want, but I snuck in your window and just watched you sleep. I stroked your cheek and let myself into you dreams and helped the nightmares stay away. I finally felt like even if you were in love with Stefan, that now at least I could protect you at night, from any other vampire or supernatural threats. I'm really sorry I invaded your privacy."
"No Damon, It's okay I forgive you. I mean sure it sounds kind of stalker creepy, but I know you were only doing it to protect me. But that kiss. Why did you compel me to forget the kiss. Our first kiss?"
He rubbed her arms back and forth and squeezed her bare shoulders. "Are you saying you want to see it? I can take you back there if you want. I just didn't think you would ever want to go back to that night."
"No, you are right. I have tried for years to block that horrific day from my memory. I can still hear my Mom's scream as we went over the bridge and Dad trying to calm me down as the car was flooding with water. There are so many things about that day that never want to think about again." She cupped his face in her hands. "But what you did that day. Please show me? You can't be the only one that remembers our first kiss."
He nodded and sat her up more in his lap facing him and placed his hands on her head. "Just close you eyes baby and you will remember..."
I haven't written the kiss yet. Tell me if you have anything you would love to see that happened between them that night.
Super proud of my double meaning Chapter title too!