A/N: happy pi day, nerds

and happy white day

and a happy birthday to both chiaki and chihiro

Word Count: 2,188

Chapter 6: Love is Survival

He's drifting.

The thing was, by all accounts, Mitarai Ryouta should be dead. He knows he should be. There was no other explanation for the eerie calmness that suddenly replaced his desperation to breathe, or for how everything suddenly went black as if someone had flicked a switch to turn off the sun.

And yet, here he was, drifting in the murky abyss, not sure where he was going, if he was going anywhere. It's too dark, too silent, too empty. If this was the afterlife, it was terrible.

"Hey, Ryou–chan," a voice called out, gentle and familiar, muffled as if his head was underwater.

"Come back," the voice called again.

Kaa–san?

Ryouta tried to pay attention, wanting to hear the voice again.

"Your father was here this morning. Not in your room, though, just here in the hospital," his mother's disembodied voice said.

He's dreaming, he's sure of it. There was no way. He hasn't seen his dad in more than a year.

"Hey, wake up already," his mother pleaded again, her voice cracking.

Was she crying? Why was she crying? He hates it when she cries, so why was she crying in this dream?

"Your father, he… he's given you a week," she said, then it was followed by what sounded like a sob. Ryouta wanted to see her, to wipe away whatever tears were falling on her cheeks (When was the last time he kissed his mother's cheeks before he decided he was too old for it?), but he can't, he's stuck here.

She's stopped sobbing now, and continued where she cut herself off. "He's talked to your doctors, he's agreed to let them pull the plug if you don't wake up within a week."

Oh.

Oh no.

He's always known his dad never loved him enough, but —

Why?

"I can't let your father allow it. I can't bear it. Please."

Oh, Kaa–san.

He wants to wake up, too. This wasn't a dream, this was a nightmare. And he doesn't know how to get out.

For now, he continues to drift.

The sound of angry shouting woke him up.

Wait, woke up? When did he fall asleep?

"—m I supposed to do anything?"

Sagishi?

What was happening?

Ryouta slowly opened his eyes, curious. (Why were they so hard to open?)

Huh?

Why was he back in here again?

Did something happen to him?

There was that dumb beeping again. He definitely didn't miss hearing it. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see a blur (gods, he needs his glasses) that could only mean he's on a ventilator again. If he tried to see the rest of himself, he knew he'd probably find wires and tubes sticking out everywhere. At least that explained why he felt so sleepy.

But where was Kaa–san?

Why did he wake up again?

Oh, right.

Eyes still heavy–lidded, Ryouta looked around the room to find the source of the shouting.

Sagishi was there to his right, breathing heavily from shouting, his back turned away from Ryouta, while his hand was gripping Ryouta's own. Ryouta blinked at that, wanting to make sure he wasn't just seeing things.

He was still staring at the hand, trying to fight off the urge to go back to sleep, when he registered the presence of another person in the room. She was staring at him like she'd just seen a ghost. Well, Ryouta supposed he could probably count as a ghost already.

He blinked again, trying to see what she looked like with his foggy vision.

Was she another classmate? The unmistakable brown of what she was wearing seemed to suggest so. But if she was, why was she here? No one else at school knew.

Right?

Then he realized they were talking about him.

If only he could stop giving people problems.

And yet he can't help but tighten his hand around Sagishi's when it started slipping away.

Please don't go.

Hazel eyes met grey, and he thinks Sagishi understood because Sagishi returned his grip tighter than Ryouta could manage to do. In the distance (but she wasn't that far, was she?), Ryouta heard the girl squeak out that she was going to look for a nurse. He thinks he could hear Sagishi too, telling him that he wasn't going anywhere (but that can't be real, right? Why would Sagishi care so much for someone like him?), and Ryouta blinked at that.

Thank you.

He goes back to sleep, too exhausted to continue fighting it anymore.

Ow.

Why does everything hurt?

Ryouta cracked his eyes open, just to see what was going on.

Oh.

Was he forgetting something?

Why was he here again?

Kaa–san?

His mother was right there, napping uncomfortably on the plastic chair pulled close enough beside him that her head was resting on the bed, right next to his hand. She looked like she hasn't slept properly in days. Even in her sleep, her eyebrows were knitted together. Ryouta reached out, gently smoothing out the creases on his mother's face that had no business being there.

Only, as it turns out, it wasn't as gently as he thought it was.

"Ryou–chan?" his mother yawned. "Is that you? Are you finally awake?" she asked as she adjusted in her seat, sitting up straight to look at him.

Finally?

She must have seen his confusion, since she smiled, tucking a stray strand of hair away from his face.

"You don't remember?" she asked.

Ryouta could only blink in response, as a tube was currently stuck in his throat. (Shaking his head would only dislodge it which was not at all a fun experience, and why was it even there anyway?)

But he already knew the answer to that, didn't he?

"You kept on drifting in and out of consciousness these past few days, and before that…" she trailed off. "Never mind that. You don't remember anything?" his mother asked again.

Nope.

"You are awake now, right?"

He smiled sheepishly at her, although he wasn't really sure if it was visible through all this.

She pressed a kiss to his cheek then. When she raised her head up again to look at him, there were tears pooling at the corner of her eyes.

"Hey, don't do that again. You scared me," she said, furiously dabbing away at her tears. "Does anything hurt?"

Only everything.

"You're glaring, Ryou–chan."

Eh?

Oh, he didn't realize.

"Never mind, I should be getting a nurse either way. Just as long as you promise you'll still be awake when I get back?"

Ryouta raised an eyebrow.

His mother smiled back. "That's what I thought. You're already back to normal, aren't you?"

She kissed him again, this time on his forehead, and left the room with a smile still on her lips.

As soon as the door was shut, Ryouta's face fell as he tried to remember what happened, but no luck there. How long was he even out? He was pretty sure it wasn't this far along spring the last time he was awake.

By the time his mother returned with a nurse, the noises in the room were already too grating on his ears that he was sure if it wasn't for the tube in his throat, he'd already be screaming in frustration.

Ryouta supposed he shouldn't blame the nurse for not taking him off the ventilator yet ("There's a protocol, you see."), but he really wanted it gone already. The only good thing to come out of the check–up was the pain meds (sweet, sweet relief), and the promise that if everything goes well he might be moved back to his old room.

In the meanwhile, he's back to writing on a notebook to be able to say anything. Joy.

Sagishi came to visit a few hours later, looking as if he'd trudged through hell. Apparently, it was already exams week. (He'd been out for that long?) They didn't really have all that much to talk about, it was just Sagishi asking him how he's feeling and some mild complaining about the length of the English exam (Ryouta had to suppress a shudder there). Although, to be perfectly fair, it was only Sagishi who did the talking, Ryouta having to write down what he wanted to say on pages of loose leaf.

As the visit went on, Ryouta couldn't help but be bugged by something. Why wouldn't Sagishi meet his eyes?

"You know I don't remember anything that happened, right?" Ryouta scribbled out, abruptly cutting off Sagishi's story about the latest theory their classmates have cooked up on Pekoyama's and Kuzuryuu's real relationship.

"Anything about what, Ryouta?" Sagishi asked, still not quite meeting his eyes.

There was that, too. When did Sagishi switch to calling him by his given name? Not like he was offended, he did like the way his name rolled off Sagishi's tongue, but weren't they only on last name yobisute the last time?

Ryouta hastily wrote again on the other side of the page. "Everything. No one's told me why I'm here. What happened?"

That made Sagishi finally look into Ryouta's eyes. "Fine," he sighed, massaging his temples like he wanted to ward off a headache. "You… collapsed," Sagishi admitted, "right in front of me."

Oh.

Was that why he's acting like this?

For a few moments, there was no sound in the room except for the machines. The air was heavy with the weight of that admission, and it felt as if the temperature in the room dropped the second Sagishi said the words.

And then, it vanished as the door opened, making them both turn their head to see who it was.

Wait.

Was she someone he was supposed to know?

Or maybe not. She looked so bewildered at being stared at by both of them that Ryouta was sure she just went to the wrong room by accident.

That is, until Sagishi addressed the strange girl.

"Oh, hey, Tsumiki," said Sagishi, waving at the newcomer.

Tsumiki? The name sounded familiar. A classmate, maybe? The name did sound familiar. Besides, now that Ryouta can see her more clearly, it looked like she was wearing the Hope's Peak uniform underneath her apron (An apron? Really?).

The girl, Tsumiki, smiled shyly back. "H–Hi. Is he —?"

Sagishi rolled his eyes. "Yeah, he's awake. Tsumiki, this is Ryouta. Ryouta, Tsumiki. I think I've mentioned her to you already."

"Nice to meet you," Ryouta wrote down on a new page, a twinkle in his eyes.

"S–Same here," Tsumiki replied nervously as she tried to do an awkward bow.

Recovery was never easy.

For the whole month after Ryouta woke up for real, he was stuck in the ICU with only his mother for company as they weaned him off the ventilator. Sometimes there was also Sagishi and Tsumiki to visit him. Tsumiki, he's been told, works in the hospital after school hours, which probably explained why she always shows up wearing an apron.

At least he's finally switched to a cannula from a ventilator by the end of it, and getting moved back to his old room in two days. Small blessings.

Maybe he should try asking again.

"Kaa–san, can I go home?" Ryouta asked one afternoon, trying to sound casual.

"No," his mother replied, not even bothering to look up from the book she was reading.

"Why not?"

"You're still sick, Ryou–chan."

"But I want to go home," Ryouta said stubbornly.

His mother closed her book forcefully and turned to look at him. "I said no, Ryouta."

"Why? I'm fine now," Ryouta insisted, gesturing vaguely at himself. "I'm not sick anymore."

Something flashed in his mother's eyes when he said that. "Ryouta," she inhaled sharply, "you are not fine. You will always be sick. You are dying. I can't allow it, not when I've almost lost you. Twice. Stop it."

"No," Ryouta snapped right back, unthinking.

Don't distress yourself, you'll end up with another attack.

I don't care.

"I won't stop asking to go home. I know I'm dying, Kaa–san. We both know I won't live to see twenty. But let me live first. Please. I want to go home," he pleaded, breathing heavily while he ignored the pain that was starting in his chest again.

His mother just stared at him, all tranquil fury, for a few tense moments. Then she sighed, her expression softening. "I'll ask the doctors," she said quietly, and hurriedly walked out of the room.

He could hear her sobbing outside, just as he started regretting what he said.

A/N: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

don't ask
there were some scenes that were supposed to go at the end of this chapter, but i decided to give them their own chapter which, once again, i don't know when i'll finish
uni is hell