This chapter, like the previous one, is set parallel to NME chapter 30.
Inside his designated apartment at the edge of town, Kaworu rested. Due to his Fruit of Life, he had long since moved past the need for sleep, but he did enjoy taking some time to relax and organize his thoughts. Tonight, though, that was something he had significant difficulty doing. His day with Mana and Kensuke had been, he admitted to himself, fun. It was enjoyable to pretend at least for a moment that he was a normal boy. To enjoy himself, to bring joy and to feel it in himself. Kaworu thought of them again, how they had tasted and how they had felt in his arms.
The problem was that Kaworu wasn't normal. Especially here in Tokyo-3 he could feel that fact. As he lay on his bed, he could feel his objective pulse deep below him – Adam. And today's events had left him confused. SEELE had always told him that humanity was incomplete and a dead end, that all people secretly wanted oblivion and destruction. SEELE claimed that thus they would be freed from pain and strife. With the members of that organization, that had seemed true, but since arriving in Tokyo-3 Kaworu had met many new people and within them Kaworu had felt something else, something he did not expect. There was a pain there, and a loneliness that came from the separation of the self but there was also a hope, a powerful drive to improve and to heal, to overcome the barriers that separated their selves from others.
That was what he saw in Mana's heart and that was what he saw in Kensuke's heart. Kaworu thought of Heck, the man he had killed. Let those who wish for death be the first to go. That was what Kaworu had thought… but didn't that in turn mean that those who clung to life should be the last to fall? Or not fall at all? Kaworu was full of questions. Only one thing was certain - he was not going to find any answers to them soon.
Mana tossed and turned, trying to find a comfortable position, but to no avail. The mattress in her room felt like it was made of ice and all her blankets felt like they would come to life and strangle her. The events of the day played in a loop in her mind. What was that kiss? Those tender touches? Kensuke's cute little motions and sighs? It was unlike anything she had ever felt, better than the time she had asked Musashi to kiss her, better than Shinji.
Shinji… thinking of him made Mana feel guilty inside. Hopefully, he would forgive her for what she had to do. Eventually, she gave up and got out of bed; maybe a glass of water would help her settle her nerves. Slowly, so as to not wake up her Captain sleeping in the next room, Mana crept to the kitchen. It had been hard to explain her actions to him and for the first time in a while she had not been completely honest with a superior officer.
The Captain was a hard man. Not cruel, but demanding, and always expected total obedience. Couldn't he let me have fun for once? She liked Kaworu – he was warm and kind, if a bit odd and Kensuke was funny and cute in a geeky way. Was it too much to ask for some reprieve? Mana felt guilty when she had these thoughts. She had a duty to do, after all. She retrieved a glass from the cupboard and ran the water, letting it get cold before filling her glass. She took a long drink and smiled. Maybe she could do both, maybe she could enjoy herself and do her mission. After all, what would be the harm in that?.
Cicadas buzzed incessantly as Kaworu Nagisa walked the winding trail in the woods. A light breeze whispered through the trees around him, chilling his skin and forming goosebumps along his nape. Or perhaps it was nervousness about the task ahead of him which did that. When he was far enough in the forest to mke sure he would not be overseen, Kaworu broke from the path and made his way to a clearing. This all was mostly for show of course. He could have spoken to SEELE in private from his quarters, but this way gave him an excuse to enjoy a bit of nature. He sat down on a soft patch of grass and took in his surroundings. It was a nice, sunny day, like it always was here. Soft light filtered through the leaves above him and shrouded everything in warmth. In the distance he could hear a pair of birds serenading one another.
All creatures desire companionship, at least temporarily. They feel the need to define themselves through others. Kaworu let the words roll around in his mind, thinking of his two new companions. Am I really so different? There was a time when he had thought so, when the only people in his life had been his handlers, observers, tutors and servants. That had made it easy to think that way, to see himself as different as… set apart. But now? He was a pilot and a student. He spent his lunches and what time he could outside school with his new friends. He spent time with his fellow pilots as well, participating in synch-tests and training. He was part of something; he had a connection to other people he had never felt before.
Trying not to let that distract him, he activated the device in his pocket and waited. Sure enough, it did its work and fifteen black monoliths appeared around him, each with only a red number carved into its surface to differentiate them. Kaworu, used to these appearances, suspected it was because it made them feel powerful and in control. In truth, they were anything but. While they had their own plans, the only reason he was here right now was because of their arrogance.
The monolith marked '01' spoke in German; the voice emitted was cold but familiar. Lorenz Kiel. The man had been Kaworu's teacher of sorts when he was young. He was the one who had told him of his nature, and of his duty. He had told him of the truth of mankind, that they were broken and failing and that it was better for them to have a glorious end than to drag out their suffering.
Kiel addressed the angel. "You were instructed to contact us earlier, Tabris."
Kaworu spoke up, trying to sound convincing. "The last few days have been hectic. I was unable to make contact without alerting anyone." A lie, but a believable one. In truth, Kaworu had had several moments that he could have made the connection but had chosen not to. He had been putting this off, unsure as to how to respond.
A different voice spoke up, this one from monolith 08. His voice was sharp and critical, sounding as if dressing down a petulant child. "Were your quarters not satisfactory?"
Kaworu had prepared for the question. "I feared that the Commander had placed recording devices on the premises." Another lie, but one that he knew would feed into their existing fears. Kaworu knew the council did not trust Commander Ikari but were forced to use him. Kaworu had witnessed much debate as to what to do with the man, ranging from assassination over blackmail to bribery. Kiel disliked Ikari greatly, but the Commander seemed to have a protector on the council, and even the chairman had to make concessions now and then. However, this fragile balance of power could be easily tipped if Ikari could be shown to have acted against the council.
The third monolith lit up. Its voice was slow and deliberate. Kaworu suspected that the speaker had trouble speaking German. "Would he do that? Would Ikari dare to defy us in such a manner?" The question floated for a moment.
Monolith 12 was the next to speak. There was a harsh digitization of the sound that grated on the ears. Clearly, whatever the speaker's identity, they were using a translation or voice scrambling program of some kind. "The Commander grows bolder. His refusal to send us the First Child makes it clear how contrary his agenda is to ours."
Kiel spoke up again. Like always, there was a definite authority to his voice. Like a preacher, he explained, "It matters not. The deliverance of man is at hand. Soon all will be as it should."
Kaworu furrowed his brows. They take me for granted. They were so sure about what he would do – like he was just some beast they had set loose, a beast that now free would surely sink its teeth into the flesh of mankind. The arrogance of that assumption rankled him.
"And with the retrieval of EVA-04 all available weapons of man have been gathered," 08 agreed with Kiel. "Not even Ikari can stop what is to come! We march towards providence. The moons shall rise once more and all shall end."
03 returned the focus to Kaworu "That is your duty, Tabris. To be the harbinger of finality, to follow our orders and designs. You would do well to remember who ensured your creation." There was a sickening smugness to the comment as if Kaworu was simply another asset to be used at will.
Kaworu grit his teeth, not bothering to hide his contempt "A single wingbeat of a butterfly may create a hurricane, but that does not give it ownership of it." The council was silent, so Kaworu continued "Never forget who I am. I follow your plans because I choose to, not out of loyalty or duty." He turned to the third monolith. "You would do well to remember it."
Without answering him, one by one, the monoliths darkened, then disappeared, until only Kiel's remained. Kiel spoke in a voice Kaworu had long ago identified as a forced calm over fear. "Do not let your pride interfere with your purpose, Tabris. You swore you would help the human race as only you could."
Kaworu remembered that night long ago. It forever burned at the back of his memory. Kiel had come to him and told him his destiny and made him swear to help them.
The strength in Kiel's voice returned, bolstered by the raw power of his faith. "The end neareth, the scrolls speak of your kin that are to come: Of eyes and wings and a great destroyer. You are our champion Tabris and our hope, may we all embrace sweet death at last."
Kaworu was about to answer, but the monolith faded before he could speak, leaving him feeling empty and alone. He looked around the peace he felt from this setting now long absent. His heart hurt and his head spun. A feeling of helplessness overcame him. The scrolls speak, and it will pass. Maybe I am just that beast they see in me?
He looked in front of him. A tall red pine stood there, its branches leaving a great shadow on the ground beneath it. In a fit of rage, Kaworu lashed out, extending his AT field like a spear and shattering the base of the tree like glass. Shards of wood and bark flew in all directions. With a mighty crash, the tree fell over, crashing several other trees in its shadow. Kaworu felt utter disgust at himself. All I ever do is destroy..
Mana was prepared when the Howa kicked into her shoulder as she let off a controlled burst into her target a dozen meters down range. Even with the earmuffs, she could still feel the harsh cracks and bright flashes of the rifle ringing in her skull. Mana was a good shot. She had better be at this point, given all the time and resources the handlers had spent training and preparing her.
It had been easier to think about it before she had been sent to Tokyo-3. It had all seemed so simple back then. NERV and their machines had been a monolith to her. But now? She admitted that Shinji Ikari was not half the person she had expected going in. The JSSDF had given her an extensive dossier on him to study, but given that he had killed two angels solo-handedly she had expected a bold ace pilot. Instead, the dossier had proven largely correct: Shinji was a meek and somewhat shy boy, who if anything seemed to be far over his head.
Mana pressed the buzzer on the side of the cage, letting her observers know she was done..
Kensuke woke up the next morning to warm morning rays hitting his face from his window, feeling refreshed and renewed. He had slept like a log, his dreams a wondrous blur of red and gray. With some disappointment, he forced himself out of bed, the events of the night before playing on repeat in his brain. A feeling of worry welled in his stomach. Kaworu and Mana had been all smiles and hugs until the end but both of them hadleft quite suddenly in the end. Both had explained that with responsibilities they had. Mana also had told how her Uncle would worry if she stayed much longer, while Kaworu had mentioned something about duties. As Kensuke made himself some breakfast, still groggy from his recent stupor, he pondered his schedule for the day. He had always been one of those outcast people who never visited any of the school clubs. Normally, a full afternoon with his hobbies followed by a rushed attempt at studying was all he could ask for, but compared to yesterday that suddenly did not measure up.
As he munched on his cereal in silence he mentally kicked himself for not having asked or given any phone numbers. Though on second thought, maybe that had been for best; he did not want to seem desperate or needy. He was unsure what do next, honestly; they had all seemed happy when they had left but that could have been an act. Mana and Kensuke seemed to have enjoyed their kisses but maybe they had just been caught in the moment?
Kensuke sighed. Why did he always do this? Shooting down his own hopes before they even had a chance to manifest. On some level, he knew it was a self-esteem thing, that part of him felt he did not deserve what had happened, so he mentally wrote the endeavour off as lost. And it was hard to mount a case against that, if he was honest. Compared to the two of them what was he? They were both so sweet and kind and, he could admit, quite gorgeous – the way their hair looked in the glow of the screen had been... On careful consideration, Kensuke thought perhaps the first order of business for today was a cold shower..
Mana sighed, drinking from her water bottle as she leaned against the arms shed. What the hell was she doing? All day, her mind kept wandering back to the three of them and the day before. It had all happened suddenly and yet... Mana could not say she did not enjoy the experience, nor could she muster much indignation at the thought of sharing. Perhaps she was just desperate; after this cold life, maybe she would take anything. A familiar feeling ran up her spine like an electric shock, a feeling of rejection and of loneliness. No, I am more, I can be more! She repeated it to herself like a prayer, trying hard to convince herself.
"You alright, Mana?" Mana looked up to see the speaker, TRIDENT pilot and close friend, Keita Asari staring at her. He had to have come straight from the simulator because he was still wearing his neural interface suit. He did not seem well himself: he looked ragged, with a forlorn expression and what seemed to be large bags under his eyes.
"Oh, I'm okay, just thinking." She did not want to worry him, and besides, who was she to complain when her comrades had it so much worse? "What has it been like here while I was away?"
Keita sighed. "The eggheads seemed to have received some new data because they have been running us like horses these past few days." He sat on the ground next to Mana "Something big is coming, Mana. All the higher ups seem to be on edge."
Mana looked at him. "You're getting the headaches again, right?" She knew the answer, but did not want to impose. So much of life here was about what you created for yourself and for some that meant pretending.
Keita took Mana's water and took a long draft "Yeah, and the shakes sometimes, too." He pointed to the back of his neck "These things itch sometimes, you know? Just don't tell Musashi I said that, okay? You know how he gets."
Mana nodded. Musashi was a fortress; he dealt with the stress by refusing to recognize it, simply pushing through regardless. He was strong, with a hard mind and personality. He would always say that whining never solved anything. There had been a time when Mana had admired him for this, his cold, uncompromising exterior unaffected and resilient. But the thing that gave him strength also made him... untouchable and unknowable.
"How goes your mission?" Keita asked, curious.
"It's... challenging, sometimes," Mana said. And that was underselling things. She did not want to burden Keita with even more stuff to worry about. At least she was able to get out of the barracks, to at least pretend to have a normal life. She still hated what her mission demanded of her, though, hated what her 'training' had done to her. "Things can get... complicated." Kaworu and Kensuke kisses passed into her mind, making her force down a blush. "But it's not all bad.".
Kensuke ran through the list of things he could do. There was nothing good on TV and he was too distracted. There was always homework to do but the day he did school work out of boredom was the day something seriously wrong had happened. He had a new model to put together and paint: The EAS-13 CA (Cosmo Armour) "Valiance", a limited edition model with lots of weapons and customization options. He had been so excited when he had got it but if Kensuke was honest, his interest on that front was draining. After learning what had happened to Touji and EVA-03 the mystique of being the chosen elite and that of their amazing machines was fading.
He remembered the days after the battle when Touji had come to him for support and to share his story of what it was like. Kensuke could only try to be sympathetic as the boy spilled his guts, crying as he explained about his sister and how NERV had shown up and offered him a job. Seeing him like that was difficult for Kensuke. Touji had always seemed strong and brave to him if a bit foolhardy. Seeing him so hurt and upset was painful, as if all at once the weight of what being a pilot really meant was thrown on him.
Feeling his willpower erode and desiring a distraction, Kensuke picked up his phone. Kaworu was a pilot, right? Maybe Shinji knew his number. And Mana? Well, when she had first shown up, she seemed attached to Shinji at the hip so it was possible he had hers as well. Whatever had happened between the two now seemed dead, however, as Shinji barely seemed to acknowledge the girl, surrounding himself instead with his fellow pilots Ayanami and Soryu.
Like with Touji's budding relationship with Hikari, Kensuke had mixed feelings about that. After checking his contacts, Kensuke punched in the number, sweating a bit as the line rang. After a moment someone picked up and Kensuke heard the familiar voice of his friend.
"Hello, Kensuke would you mind holding for a second? I am cooking so I'll put you on speaker." Shinji seemed happy. Kensuke was glad about that; the boy deserved some peace. He remembered when he had found him in that field one day, lost and alone. He remembered sharing some of his rations and talking about his mother. He remembered in the morning after when they had been surrounded by Section 2 agents, their cold, impersonal gaze looking right through him. Kensuke heard a beep and suddenly a wide variety of sounds and voices spoke to him: The sizzling of a wok, the background sound of a TV and crabby complaints from Soryu. Kensuke wondered what she was doing with Shinji but then mentally racked it up to pilot stuff.
"What do you want, stooge?" Soryu was harsh. She had never completely forgiven him for the incident with the photos.
Kensuke knew better than to engage, lest he receive a tongue lashing over the phone and turn up empty handed. "I was wondering if you knew Nagisa's or Kirishima's phone numbers."
"The weirdo and that hussy? Why would you want to talk to them?" Soryu asked indignantly. Kensuke was somewhat offended by the comment. Who was she to judge Mana? She didn't know anything about her, and even if she did – if Mana was okay with what had happened yesterday then that was all that mattered. And Kaworu... Well, Kensuke had to admit he was a bit strange but there was no need for Soryu to be rude. He was about to respond when Shinji did it for him.
"Asuka, please, be nice. I'm sorry Kensuke, we haven't known Kaworu all that long. And Mana..." He paused for a moment, as if thinking of something "Mana and I haven't talked much in a while, honestly."
Kensuke was a bit downtrodden by the news "Oh, it's okay." He tried to force a cheery voice.
Asuka spoke up, this time more curious than angry. "Why did you wanna talk to those two anyway?"
"I saw them downtown yesterday," Kensuke explained. "I just wanted to say hi." There. That wasn't a lie, just not the full of the truth.
"Hmm, in that case, you can see them tomorrow at school then," Asuka said mildly.
Shinji cut in "Listen, Kensuke, you mind if we talk later? The vegetables are almost burning and I need to give them my full attention."
Kensuke nodded "Of course. You two enjoy your dinner. And say hello to Misato for me." A click signalled the end of the call. Kensuke sighed. Defeated, he headed for his room. The universe was telling him to do his homework and he had too much to lose to say no.
Kaworu walked from the bus station to his plain apartment, the sun setting on his back, and observed the people heading home from their jobs. Kaworu found them fascinating. Some were happy to head home, while others seemed disappointed and resigned to the end of the day, but within all of them, there seemed a collective sense of purpose. Kaworu could appreciate the beauty in that.
A few blocks from his new residence, something gave him pause as he passed a particularly filthy alley. He heard something, a mewling. Upon further inspection, Kaworu found a small white tabby with an injured paw crying to itself. He looked at the poor creature. It was little more than skin and bone, its hair matted with dirt and grime. Kaworu knew what he had to do. If he left the creature alone, it would surely starve or grow sick. Whatever happened, a slow painful death awaited the beast. It would be a mercy to end it now, he thought Kiel's teachings echoing in his head. With a quick motion, he grabbed the cat and with put a hand around its throat… and then… hesitated. Images of Kensuke and Mana flashed through his mind. He looked down at the kitten.
Maybe it was because he was just so tired of destruction. All things died. Kaworu knew even beings like him would meet their fate eventually, either by sword, or by accident, or by simple entropy. But that did not mean that it had to be today. There was a beauty, Kaworu decided, in the struggle and in the hope of what may be. Kaworu held the cat in his arms and walked home, the last rays of the sun casting long shadows. Perhaps the animal was doomed. Perhaps these people were as well, but he would feel them first; he would enjoy them for as long as he could.