This chapter is set parallel to NME chapter 31. ...
The impossible had happened: It was Monday morning and Kensuke had a reason to be at school early. After failing to communicate with Kaworu and Mana the day before, Kensuke was desperate for some sign as to the mood between the three of them. Reluctantly, he climbed out of bed. Between the stress from the Kaworu and Mana situation and all the hot buzz on his military forums around Matsushiro, he had gotten little sleep.
His mind wandered to the news and whispers. NERV had never been one for open communication, but this seemed different. In the last two weeks, trucks and planes had been pouring into the Matsushiro facility, without even a word of justification to the public. Speculation had run rampant as to its purpose, and while Kensuke had enough knowledge to spot the crazy ideas – Combining EVAs… what is this, sentai? – there was plenty of room for guessing. He tried to have fun with this like he usually did. The night it was announced EVA-02 was coming to Japan, Kensuke had been glued to his laptop for eight hours straight, pouring over every last scrap released to the public. This time… he knew Matsushiro was the facility where EVA-03 was prepared. That disaster still clung to his mind. So while he tried to get excited, his overwhelming feeling was one of dread.
Kensuke tried to put it out of his head; there was nothing that could be done either way. All he could do now was to try and support the pilots. That was something that became more important now more than ever, if what Touji had said about Doctor Akagi was true. He wondered if that was the norm for pilots, to be blackmailed and threatened if other methods failed. Kensuke thought of Kaworu; he was such a gentle person, so it was hard to believe that he was raised in the same conditions as Asuka, given their differences.
A quick shower and some breakfast later, Kensuke was off to class. The warm orange morning light still blanketed the street. Kensuke tried to fight down thoughts of Mana and Kaworu. Do they still want me? There was a terrible feeling in his chest, as if he was being dragged down by a great weight. No, there's no point in worrying. It would not change anything. He had learned that much when his mother had gotten sick. So after he had caught the bus, Kensuke just sat in the back and let the bumps and the pull of the vehicle ease his mind. What will be will be.
When he finally entered the classroom, Kensuke saw he was the first student inside – well, apart from Hikari, who seemed to live there. The two exchanged pleasantries, her asking him why he was so early and him asking her about her date with Touji. The comment made the girl turn scarlet. In truth, he was happy for them; with all the madness that was going on recently, he was glad his friend had found someone. Maybe I found something myself, he thought, but Kensuke forced it down; he did not want to fan a hope only to be disappointed.
He sat down at his usual place and began playing with his phone as the class slowly filled in. He waved hello to Shinji as he entered, flanked by his fellow pilots Ayanami and Soryu. Kensuke had noticed how those three had grown quite close in the last few weeks. And even if Soryu would deny it if asked, Kensuke could tell they deeply cared for each other. Once again this morning, his mind went to Kaworu. Would he be like them? Distant to anyone who did not share his struggles? And what about Mana? Would she leave him for the cool and mysterious pilot?
Eventually, the gray-haired boy arrived, followed close behind by Kirishima. He wanted to go talk to them immediately, to try to find out where they all stood, but behind them was the teacher who soon began the lesson. It was agony waiting through the morning. The class was already the exact opposite of gripping, what with his teacher's slow pace, his habit to ramble and and his tendency to just ignore the students. But now, with all that was going on inside his head, he had a hard time focusing on anything. Kensuke barely reacted when during maths, Touji cracked a joke about Soryu's attitude, which earned him a scathing retort from the girl. When the clock ticked to twelve, releasing them all briefly to eat their lunches, Kensuke was burnt out, unsure if he had the courage to face them. So when Touji and Hikari asked if he wanted to eat with them, he did not say otherwise.
Kaworu woke to the gentle meowing of his new friend. He blinked as his eyes adjusted to the light, revealing a white ball of fluff had taken residence on his chest, whining softly and batting at his chin. Kaworu smiled at the affection and got up, placing the cat on the ground. It was a welcome distraction from the after images of his dreams. In his sleep, he had returned to the facility in Germany, to an endless series of cold rooms and empty halls, to a loneliness was almost tangible. It was different now, he told himself; even with his mission and purpose in his mind, he could still reach out. Mana and Kensuke had looked so happy with him and his new feline friend seemed delighted to see him. Perhaps he could bring some joy to these people before the end, if only to prove he could be more than an agent of destruction. Still, the sickening feeling in his stomach remained.
After feeding his new kitten companion, Kaworu headed off for school. He smiled at the thought of seeing Mana and Kensuke again, though he was unsure as to what to expect: Lilim relationships were something he was still so inexperienced with. There seemed to be so many strange rules and unspoken taboos that ruled their lives. He was also unsure of himself. While done on a whim, his actions on Saturday had had a deep impact on him. Feelings he was not used to washed over him when he thought of their exchange.
The walk to school was pleasant. He observed single students meet with friends and join together to form larger throngs. Few out of many; they feel themselves through others. Kaworu could not help but listen to the conversations of his fellow students as they made their way to the building. Kaworu was comforted to learn that, even with all the chaos of the conflict around them, the topics of discussion were quite mundane. 'Did you see what was on TV last night? Did you finish that assignment? Do you think that boy likes me?' It was nice to see that even in times of chaos, life continued.
Near the gates of the school, Kaworu noticed a black car pull up to the curb briefly. He smiled when he saw that it was his new friend Mana getting out of it. A strange feeling of warmth spread over him as he caught her attention.
"Good morning, Mana. It seems like a nice day today." He was unsure of how exactly to start, so he repeated what he had heard from others.
"Oh hello, Kaworu, I didn't see you there." Mana smiled brightly. "How was your Sunday?"
"It was mixed," Kaworu admitted, recalling his talk with SEELE. "I went for a nice walk in the woods. It was quite strange to see the results of a climate trapped in eternal summer. I imagine it must be like living in a painting."
Mana looked thoughtful. "I guess it's something you get used to over here. Do you like it?" She asked, curious.
"I admit that while I think most of my countrymen would prefer for summer to last as long as possible, I always found some affinity to winter," Kaworu answered wistfully.
"Doesn't the cold bother you?" Mana asked.
Kaworu became quite aware that his new friend had most likely never felt real cold, never felt the touch of frost, or the harsh sting of a chilling wind. It was a fate he felt somewhat responsible for. "Not particularly, and even if it did, I find the beauty that it brings more than worth the discomfort." He stared longingly off into the distance, thinking of memories of the past. "I remember years ago waking up to find the year's first snow fall. A heavy blanket had come and covered everything in the night. I will always remember what my teacher told me that day: that there is a simple peace to be found in silence, if one is open to listen for it, even more so than in music."
Mana looked at the boy in awe. So many questions seemed to fill her mind. After a moment, she settled on one. "Teacher? What about your parents?" And after that, "Music? You like music?"
That made Kaworu think for a moment. "I am alone. NERV has always taken care of my needs and my schooling. But I have never had anyone... close." There was a great sadness in his voice he did not intend. Why am I telling her these things? It seemed there was something in Mana that invited confession. Kaworu felt slightly exposed. He turned his attention to the second question, as it was easier to answer. "I have spent much of my life wrapped in music. I discovered I had a passion for it at a young age and, if I may boast, a talent for it as well. My teachers encouraged this passion, believing that, through music, many other lessons could be learned. I am trained in the viola, the piano, and harpsichord. Though I admit I have had less practice recently than I would prefer"
A look came over Mana, something that confused Kaworu. "That's amazing, you pilots are so talented! I'd love to hear you play sometime. I think Shinji mentioned he enjoys classical music; you should talk to him about it." There was something off about the way she said it that made Kaworu feel uneasy, but he buried the feeling. "And well, for the other thing..." Mana half-smiled as she reached down and grasped his hand with hers, shocking Kaworu. "You don't have to be alone forever."
The action threw Kaworu off balance. He tried to think of something to say, but the words choked in his mouth. He just looked at her. There seemed to be something in her eyes, a reflection; perhaps she felt some kind of loneliness of her own. The ring of the school bell snapped them out of whatever was captivating them. Mana let go of his hand.
She smiled meekly. "We should get going. We should talk with Kensuke later, see how he is doing." And with that, the two went inside, a soft excitement in both of them.
As the lunch bell rang, Kaworu looked around the room, seeing Shinji, Asuka, and Rei eating in a corner, with Rei devouring the rice from her bento box. The girl fascinated him; he had an inclination about who she was, but was unsure. He wondered if she knew who she was, if his inclination was true, and if she did, how she felt about it. Cautiously, he walked over to where she was sitting, trying to strike up a conversation.
"Ah, I see you could still make it to school, Rei. I'm glad about that. I was already worried about what might have happened to you." Kaworu was curious. The being before him was of Lilithian flesh, and so lacked a fruit of life. As such, she was fragile, vulnerable to the dangers of the world that she had spawned.
Rei took a break between bites of rice to look up at Kaworu. "I underwent a medical check-up."
Kaworu nodded. His own past had been filled with check-ups and tests. Endless parades of doctors and physicians more focused on vials and machines than anything he had to say. "I know what that's like. We have similarities, you and I." It seemed true, there was something off about the girl that reminded Kawrou of himself.
That made the girl stop. Kaworu smiled. So she noticed it as well. So who is she? Is she my counterpart? But how could that be? She seemed nothing like that, despite her odd looks. She seemed meek and withdrawn.
As if unsure how to respond, Rei looked at him carefully. "I see," she said, before returning to her meal.
Internally, Kaworu shrugged. He would not call the First Child out directly. It was her place to explore her own nature. He smiled and turned to the boy beside her. Shinji Ikari interested Kaworu in a way he could not explain. Perhaps he was simply emblematic of all Lilim, a fragile soul unable to connect to others for fear of being hurt. A thought appeared in his mind.
"I heard something interesting about you, Shinji. You seem to appreciate music, and that style they call 'classical music' in particular." Kaworu admitted to himself he had little experience with any other kind, but did not like to admit the limitations of his own experience.
"Uh, that's right," Shinji confirmed nervously. Kaworu suspected he did not wish to draw attention to himself.
"Mana told me," Kawou said, looking over to the girl and waving her over.
Mana giggled as she joined them. She seemed quite nervous to talk to Shinji again. "Oh, that's true. Shinji told me he liked Bach."
"Ah," Kaworu said understandingly. It was often said that Bach was music for musicians. Only they could properly appreciate its intricacies. He combined melodies in such a way that on their own they would sound discordant but together formed a greater symphony. "So you value skill, Shinji?"
The boy seemed anxious, as if afraid to give his opinion. "Well… that's kinda the point, isn't it?" He asked. "People are appreciated because they're good at something."
This made Kaworu furrow his brows. It was such a Shinji thing to say, to view things in terms of how others reacted. To pass judgment to the crowd. "There are many reasons to appreciate people," he said, hoping to provide his perspective. Mana smirked at that. Kaworu wondered what she was thinking. Perhaps she was picturing him and Kensuke, people who could appreciate many different types of beauty.
Kaworu returned his focus to Shinji. "If you just look at skill and achievement, you aren't interacting with them, only their work. It's like shying away from people, and only dealing with them indirectly."
Shinji shot back, surprisingly pointedly. "Uh… but… we are talking about people's works. About what Bach and the others composed. Their lasting achievements."
"But doesn't that make music a bit too sterile?" Kaworu argued. For him, music was about feelings and connections. What people considered great or lasting did not matter to him, outside of the ability of others to feel what he felt. "Music is people trying to circumvent the barriers of their heart by using a powerful non-verbal medium. People can never fully relate to one another; there is only so much one can say. But they can try to pour their essence into sound and poetry. It's still a doomed endeavour, but a grand one." Kaworu enjoyed music greatly. Sometimes, he felt a strange affinity for people who had died hundreds of years ago. As if they were speaking to him directly through the sound.
"Sounds like angry metal and punk would be just the right sort of music for you, then," Asuka snorted dismissively.
Kaworu could appreciate Asuka's passion, but he sometimes found himself... irritated by her. It was a new feeling. Not the same kind of sudden disgust he had felt at Heck, but... Annoyance. Yes, that was it. For maybe the first time in his life, Kaworu was annoyed. At the same time, he also realized she had a strong pull with Shinji and Rei. And so, he tried to be diplomatic. "Perhaps." In truth, Kaworu knew next to nothing about those genres. "I'm sure many of those songs display genuine emotion. But I myself like classical music as well. However, Bach seems a bit sterile, and Mozart too artificial. Myself, I prefer Beethoven, Chopin, Schumann or Wagner."
Asuka did not seem impressed "Wagner? Anti-Semitic idiot."
Kaworu was surprised by the forcefulness of her stance. What did that matter? Even if it was wrong, did it change his music? Was Siegfried's Funeral March forever tainted by the opinions of a long dead man? "Whatever his attitudes were, if factually correct or not, what matters is if they were genuine."
Asuka was aghast. "Some attitudes should just be shut up!"
Kaworu realized arguing with Asuka was futile, and so instead turned his attention to Shinji. "What do you think about that?"
Shinji seemed shocked someone was asking his opinion. "Ah well… I've never listened to Wagner…" He said weakly. "But… isn't that how people go through life? Hiding their bad sides, only showing their good ones… That seems natural to me."
Ironic, Kaworu thought, that he should say that, especially with himself in earshot. The sentiment made him sad. He was hiding something as well. His desire to become one with Adam burned in his mind like a fever. A few weeks ago, it was all he had wanted. But now? The thought of his new friends passed through his mind. Of Mana and Kensuke. Some part of him wanted to stay with them, to hold them and make them happy. Still, the endless dirge of Adam remained.
"Hmm, but is it good?" Kaworu asked. "In everyday life, people hide their true selves. But music should allow them to at least pierce a hole in the barrier of their heart." What secrets does your heart hold, Shinji Ikari? Do you even know? Does any Lilim? The barriers of the heart prevented any Lilim from ever really knowing one another, and yet they defined themselves through others. The result was that no Lilim could truly know oneself. Kaworu's gift was also his curse. He knew exactly what he was.
Rei spoke up; barely a whisper, but it shook Kaworu like a thunderbolt. "People are alone," She said. "That means they need comfort, not the truth."
And what is your truth, First Child? Are you searching? Or are you afraid of what you will find? Kaworu was unsure. But her words spoke to him – perhaps he could play the comforter and not the voice of truth, at least for a while. "Of course you would stress hope." Kaworu was unsure there was hope. Was hope like music? Something people tried to find meaning in where there was none, only sound.
The others seemed affected by Rei's comment, as Kaworu was. And for a moment there was an uncomfortable silence, eventually broken by Shinji, who returned them to the topic of music.
"Well… ah… most of the composers you've mentioned came later than what people consider classical music, didn't they, Kaworu? I'm afraid I don't know much about them."
"We could listen to them together," Kaworu suggested. He admitted to himself that while he had very little experience with having… friends, he greatly enjoyed this new experience. To share something you loved with someone else seemed to make it better. To see them feel the way you do about it, to connect with others through shared interests. Kaworu smiled and thought of watching those movies with Mana and Kensuke. He had been so happy to share his passion with them, even though Kaworu would not say he had liked the films as much as Kensuke had. His enthusiasm had seemed to infect Kaworu in a way he did not expect. "I'm sure Mana would like that as well." Kaworu was unsure what Mana's connection with Shinji was, only that she wanted to connect with him. It did not seem like romantic interest to Kaworu. In fact, whenever she mentioned the boy, she appeared almost hesitant, like it was a duty rather than a choice.
Shinji nodded, but was non-committal. "One of these days. But… not today."
"I see," Kaworu said, looking at Shinji, then at Rei and Asuka. "I'll ask again another day, then," to which Shinji just nodded. Kaworu hesitated for a moment before leaving the three. It was clear that they had a bond which would not easily allow outsiders in, no matter how friendly. Kaworu wondered if true friendship was possible with them, or if would they shun all attempts. Internally, he shrugged. That was their choice to make; Kaworu could not force such things. Mana gave Kaworu a look, and motioned them over to where Kensuke, Hikari and Touji were eating.
Kensuke perked up as the two walked towards where he was sitting. He gathed alHe turned to Touji and Hikari and told them he had to go, which earned him an odd look from Touji. His two new… friends gave Kensuke a look that seemed to be saying they understood what he wanted, so without a word, the three walked out of the classroom..
It almost seemed cliché to meet on top of the roof of the school, but with the recent angel attacks, the board, with advisement from NERV, had started restricting the students' movements during lunch, a move to try to ensure no one would be left behind if the building had to be suddenly evacuated. It was a sunny day like always, the heat blanketing everything in a warm haze. Kensuke had never known anything else.
The three stood in an awkward silence, each of them looking to the other two to make the first move. Uncharacteristically, even Kaworu seemed unsure about how to proceed. Kensuke sucked in his breath and spoke up, driven by a desire to know at the very least. "So... I wanna know...what do you guys wanna do?" It was weak and vague, but it was the best he could muster.
Mana looked sad and slightly confused. "What do you mean?"
Kensuke's mouth was dry, his voice cracking. "Saturday… that time we spent together was...so good... I don't know... I like you both and I wanna try to make this work somehow. I..." Tears welled up in his eyes. "I know I'm not a pilot... and I know I can be annoying, but..." Kensuke was interrupted by Mana who, with surprising speed, moved in and gave Kensuke a tight hug.
"I want you too." Mana's voice was soft "I want you both." She looked at Kaworu, unsure of herself "I know it is not normal but I... I want to try."
Kaworu took one of her hands and held it in his. "Normal is whatever people say it is. If this..." He reached out with his other hand and squeezed Kensuke's shoulder. "Is what we truly want, then who can tell us otherwise?"
Kensuke smiled and wiped the tears from his face. "Thank you. I don't know what to say."
Mana moved aside, letting Kaworu take her place. "It's okay. You don't need to say anything." She was smiling. The sunlight seemed to radiate off of her. Kensuke had never seen anyone more beautiful than Mana was right now.
And then there was Kaworu. His eyes seemed to burn like stars. The two embraced. Kensuke did not know if this would last, if they would leave, or if he was good enough, but right now, it did not matter. He was just happy to be in this moment, to feel others around him that cared.
"So... where do we go from here?" Kensuke asked after the hug had ended, trying to catch his breath.
It was Mana then, sitting on the roof, leaning against the chain link fence, who spoke up, her eyes thoughtful and hesitant. "I want to be with you two... I really do, but it would have to be a secret. My... Uncle would never approve of something like this. So if we are to do this, it would have to stay a secret"
Kensuke sat down next to her. "I understand," he said, nodding in agreement. "We can't control how people will react." Kensuke felt he knew where Mana was coming from. He was in no rush to explain his feelings to Touji or his girlfriend. Hikari was quite conservative on some fronts. Always the prim and proper girl, she made a great effort to act and look respectable. And her attitude extended to others as well, chastising any classmates who did not live up to her standards. It was a miracle she and Touji got along as well as they did.
Kensuke also considered his friend, unsure as to how he would react. Touji could be a brash, confident guy about some things, but Kensuke had never seen him extend that to others. He had never mocked Kensuke for his more geeky interests, nor had he chided or scolded Shinji when he had revealed his passion for cooking. Still, Kensuke was nervous. He had known the boy so long he did not want to risk his friendship on a guess.
Kaworu seemed less enthused, but softened when he saw the look on Mana's face. "Sometimes, secrets are necessary, even among friends." He looked sad.
"But we're more than friends now, aren't we?" Mana asked, looking Kaworu in the eyes
A warmth seemed to spread over Kaworu's grinning face. "Yes," he said, "I suppose we are. Even if we cannot admit it to anyone else, what matters is how we feel inside."
Kensuke looked at them both. "And what do you feel inside? Right now, the three of us together?"
Kaworu seemed lost in thought, trying to say something profound like usual as he sat on Mana's opposite side. But instead, settled on something far more mundane "I feel... alive."
Mana smiled and nodded. "Me too, like we are at the start of something wonderful."
Kensuke nodded and smiled. "What will be, will be." He laughed. Maybe Kaworu was rubbing off on him. The three stayed there for a good while, enjoying each others presence; not one said a word. None needed to – sometimes, silence was its own music.