I had more or less dedicated all of my time to either stealing sweets from L, or that RPG I've been playing. Today, I wasn't feeling hungry. Today was the day I had made my decision after speaking to Rem briefly about whether she was satisfied and if she would kill L. Misa's lifespan had stayed the same due to her not making the eye deal with Ryuk and burning the notebook, so Rem said she was satisfied and would not kill L anytime soon. She told me I don't need to worry and that perhaps she had misunderstood me, but she left it at that and I didn't want to ask because we had to speak in code in front of the cameras and the others who may be listening. My screen went blank and credits started rolling, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"Oh, I finished it." I said blankly, not feeling the usual accomplishment of finishing a long game like that.
"Did you really want to continue investigating or did you just want to stay here because you don't want to go home and study?" Aizawa snapped at me.
I gave him what felt like a hollow look. I guess it was, since he shut up and seemed to get a slightly concerned look on his face. It doesn't matter by now anyway. There's not much time left.
"I'm sorry, I don't believe that I will be of help right now." I replied.
"Why do you say that, Light?" L asked from beside me. Old habits die hard, so I tended to stay close to him.
"I think maybe we should just burn the notebook tomorrow and be done with it. Kira's dead, right? No criminals are dying."
"That doesn't mean he's dead. Maybe he's just taking another break." Aizawa said.
"You just don't sound motivated." L said, looking at me out of the corner of his eye.
I sighed, closing my game as the ending credits stopped and it went to the title screen. I set it down on the desk, but continued staring at it after my hand had left it.
"Why is that?" L asked, seeming to have taken the silent answer.
"Can I answer that later? I'm not ready yet."
"What do you mean?"
I got up and started walking away, holding up a hand lazily. "I'll tell you tomorrow sometime."
"Hey!" Aizawa called after me, but no one stopped me from going to my room.
I pulled the blanket over my head and somehow managed to force myself to go to sleep for the night. Unfortunately, I was plagued by nightmares of everyone who might die from this point on if I had lived or even if Misa had ignored me and continued being Kira. When I woke up, showered, and then finally decided to go downstairs, no one said much of anything to me. I didn't feel much like talking to them either. I'm not sure if I'd be able to keep my cool today. Rem gave me a knowing look from her spot in the back of the room though. Then I noticed the absent presence. Had I slept that long? I wasn't prepared yet!
"Where's L?" I must've sounded at least a little panicked.
"Huh? Who knows?" Matsuda answered with confusion.
"Light, what's wrong?" Dad asked me as I felt myself starting to tense up.
He hadn't pressed me about what happened with Misa, or why she hadn't come back after that day. I found it odd, but I wouldn't be all that surprised if he had already realized what was wrong with me lately. Everyone was kind of at a loss for what to do, since Kira hadn't appeared again. Did he figure everything out by now?
"Rem," I turned my back to the others to look at the shinigami. "You don't need to come back here again." I told her, then ran to grab the notebook and dashed out of the room before anyone could stop me.
Once I got to the roof, I tucked the notebook under my shirt and took a deep breath before opening the door and walking out. It was raining pretty heavily, and it was loud, but there was L, standing out by the satellite dish and getting soaked. He seemed to notice me standing under the cover near the door. Zipping my brown hoodie all the way up, I walked out to stand beside him, feeling the rain pound harshly through my hair.
"What are you doing, Ryuzaki?" I asked.
"Oh, I'm not doing anything in particular, it's just…I hear the bell."
My chest seized up painfully. "…The bell?"
"Yes. The sound of the bell has been unusually loud today." He turned to look at the sky.
I paused to listen, but had to smack a hand over my mouth to stop a gasp when I heard one loud chime. I didn't hear it more than that once, but that was all it took for me to know. That bell was the chime of death. But if that's the case, he shouldn't still be hearing it, should he? I hope it's wrong. I hope he won't die today.
"I wonder if it's a church. Maybe a wedding or perhaps a…" He trailed off.
"C-Come on. L-Let's get back inside." I told him, unable to think of anything else to say. I wasn't prepared for this part. I didn't think about it.
He lowered his head and fixed his solemn gaze on the ground. "I'm sorry, nothing I say makes sense anyway. If I were you, I wouldn't believe any of it."
I stared at him, my hand unconsciously rising to grip at the vice showing up around my heart again. "The same could be said of myself."
He looked over, then said, "Tell me Light, from the moment you were born, has there ever been a point where you've actually told the truth?"
The rain seemed to go silent for a second as I held his dead serious gaze. I ended up biting my lip and adverting my gaze.
"Today will be." I muttered quietly before bringing my gaze up to meet his with newfound resolve. "I have something I must tell you."
He stared at me for a second before speaking again. "Let's go back inside. We're both drenched."
"Y-Yeah." I agreed.
So, I ended up sitting on the steps drying my hair as L walked around a bit with the towel on his head.
"Well, that was an unpleasant outing."
"Rain isn't that bad." I responded with a shrug.
He walked over and crouched down on the stairs to pick up one of my bare feet.
"What are you doing?" I asked, a bit creeped out.
"I thought I might help you out. You were busy wiping yourself off anyway." He said like it was perfectly normal.
"Uh, it's fine. You don't have to do that."
"I can give you a massage as well."
"Seriously, don't." I told him, pulling my foot away while grabbing my towel and dropping it on his head. "I should be the one atoning for my sins and you haven't even dried your hair."
"What sins?" He asked quietly as I gently massaged his head through the towel.
I paused in my movement, hesitating. "…What I'm going to tell you."
It was quiet for a few minutes as I dried his hair.
"It will be lonely, won't it?" He said, looking through his hair at me with only one eye, making me stop with my hands still on his head when I noticed the small smile. "You and I will be parting ways soon."
I stared at him as I felt more pain than I thought possible take over my chest and my eyes watered. I shook my head. "You're wrong. You're the one who will win this time. Don't be lonely."
He just stared at me as I closed my eyes and removed my hands from his head to clutch at the fabric of my hoodie. When I reopened my eyes, I had steeled my resolve. I would confess to him in person while I still had the chance.
"I am Kira." I told him, looking him in his eye as it started to widen. "Kira will be executed today. I've kept my promises. No one else will die." My vision blurred as I finished, but I refused to acknowledge the tears by wiping them. Instead, I took the silence to continue, even if my voice was breaking. "I killed those criminals, I killed the FBI agents, I set it up so that I would lose my memory and get the notebook back. What you were always wrong about was my desire to kill L."
"Killing me was never your intention?" He said slowly, seeming to be starting to get over the shock.
I shook my head, a pained smile tugging at my lips. "I knew that Lind L. Tailor was a criminal. And I knew that killing him would get your attention. It wasn't because of what you or he were saying. It was because I knew it would help you narrow it down. The FBI was for the same reason, but I've never stopped regretting killing them. Everything I did until the second Kira showed up was to help you find me without giving away my real goal."
"What was your real goal?" He asked, going back to that cold monotone.
"It was to meet you. L, the world famous detective. L Lawliet, the one I've seen die the exact same way in over forty of my dreams."
"You already knew…" His composure had slipped at the mention of his full name.
"I knew all along. I could have killed you any time I wanted, but there was a problem. I wanted to meet you, that's all. I didn't want to kill you or anyone else who was after me. I was aware that what I was doing was evil, but it's what I was supposed to do. What I was destined to do." I paused, feeling a rush of tears and sniffling before I continued. "Like you were destined to die, but, I changed it. Or, at least I hope I did. If I die, you live. In hindsight, I probably could've fought destiny all along by not becoming Kira at all, but, humans are truly foolish. I am no exception."
"So, you regret it now?" He didn't sound like he really believed that.
"It's fine. You don't have to believe that anything I say is the truth. I can be a liar right up 'til the end, if you want. I just thought that I should tell you. That I, the real Kira, had written my own name in my Death Note before I had lost my memories. Just before you had detained Misa, actually."
"Am I supposed to believe that you had planned to die the entire time you were Kira?" He questioned.
"Believe what you want." I opened the hidden compartment of my watch and removed the paper to show him Higuchi's name. "I had to kill him to regain my memories, but the real purpose in hiding this page here was as a reminder, even if I couldn't remember it was even there." I stated, unfolding the page before showing him the other side, where I had written my name. "This kind of death isn't at all what I deserve, but I'm really a coward when it comes down to dying in any way I'd be able to feel."
He stared at the writing for a long time, but didn't say anything. I folded the page back up and stuck it in my pocket before wiping at my face and giving a hollow chuckle as I sniffled.
"I thought that I would confess to you in person and it would be difficult, but I didn't plan on crying. Sorry." I told him, standing up and turning my back to him. "Well, if I'm still not reverting to the liar I really am, I will say one thing. If I could go back and change just one thing, it would probably be to make it so that we never met. Although I'm grateful for being able to meet you, become your friend and then fall…" I couldn't get any more of those words around the lump in my throat, so I cleared it and continued. "Anyway, I think it would've been better for both of us that way." I paused for a long time before I decided what else I should say. "But, since I can't change anything and I also cannot give you a full explanation of the entire Kira case, on the grounds that I'm afraid it will undo the actions I took to prevent your death, I will tell you that everything that I was not supposed to know was due to a phenomenon I don't understand in which I had…Dreams that told me of events that are very similar to those that have happened here.
"And although I will not tell you who for the same reason I cannot explain fully, I have had someone burn the other notebook. There were only two so far, but I wouldn't be surprised if another one surfaced in the coming years. I have ensured that Kira will not return, and if he does, I'm sure you will figure out who it is. As for the reason I wrote my own name, it was in part because I believe it will prevent your death as well as Watari's, but it is also because I know that what I have done is evil and, as Kira, I have judged myself as well. Although I had chosen a significant day, I still can't help but find that I've caused myself more than enough mental anguish by regaining my memory of it and of what I have done after all this time I spent becoming a trusted member of the Task Force and, worst of all, a friend to the very people I have caused harm to. It would seem that it is as they say, ignorance is bliss." I started to walk away. "Well then, I have some last minute preparations before my efforts bear fruit."
"You do not intend to tell anyone but me any of this?" He asked, stopping me in my tracks.
"I…do not." I answered slowly.
"Why is that?"
"Because…You already knew I was Kira. I don't think I will have enough time to tell them either. Telling only one person is easier."
"But you've chosen me specifically. Why not your father?"
"Because he is my father. And because you are you." I answered vaguely.
"And do you really believe that after all this time I will just allow you to die with that explanation?"
He was starting to get annoying, so I turned around to find the man fairly close, but didn't let it faze me as I glared up at him defiantly. "There is nothing you can do once a name has been written in the Death Note."
"Changing the time of death is not what I was concerned with."
"I can't give you anything else or I risk you dying." I told him with frustration. What did he want from me?
"You told me because I am L, did you not? Because you would still win if you had told L without giving him time to convict you. You would die quietly, taking with you any evidence against you."
My eyes narrowed as they started to water again. "You don't get it, do you? From the beginning, I was never concerned with winning against L. I wanted to meet L and I was certain that by acting according to what I saw before, he would take the actions to make that happen. By misjudging the reason for things, L had come to the conclusion that Kira's intention was to eliminate him. When all along, Kira's goal was to meet L and then die."
"Why go through all the trouble of meeting me that way?"
"Because you never would have come to Japan if I hadn't become Kira. You never would have invited me to join the Task Force. We never would have spent so much time together and became friends unless I were Kira and acted accordingly. When I didn't have any memory of being Kira but started to remember those dreams of the future, I didn't want to believe that that was what was happening. I didn't want to believe that I would end up killing you just because he did. But, I was right about that part. I have taken a different path. I am a different person. And how I felt about you has always been genuine." I froze, hoping that didn't sound to him like how it sounded to me.
The silent staring made me anxious, so I started talking again without really thinking. Even though that's pretty much the opposite of what I would have liked to do.
"But it doesn't matter now. I just wanted to make my confession to you in person. Please don't tell the others until after. I will have prepared a letter for everyone, although I'm sure they won't want to read it when they find out."
"Were you going to burn the notebook you took earlier?" He questioned as I turned to start walking away again.
I paused, smiling slightly. "I'm going to miss that, you know. The fact you can't let anyone have the last word is going to be one of the things I think of if I can even think while I spend eternity in nothingness." I muttered before I rose my tone to answer him. "Yes, I am going to burn it before I die so no one else can use it ever again." I then started walking again.
"I will miss you as well, Light." He said in that quiet tone.
I faltered in my steps with the sudden stabbing pain in my heart from those words, but I turned to look over my shoulder at him, a heartbreakingly genuine smile crossing my face as my mouth moved before I could stop it. "I will be in love with you for eternity, but never even see you again. Is this my real punishment?"
And with that, I stepped onto the elevator and didn't look back to see his reaction. Now I just had to burn the book along with the page that has my name on it and write out that letter before I go to bed at eleven thirty.