Author's Note: Thanks for the awesome response to the last chapter! I'm glad so many people liked that last line ;) I was hoping to finish this story before this week's episode airs and show canon starts to mess with my head-canon, but I don't think that's going to happen. Still I wanted to get this chapter and possibly one more out before PLL reality sets in on Tuesday.
"Ali, over here," Spencer waves her over as she makes her way into the Grille. Spencer's invitation to grab lunch with her and Hanna had been just the excuse Alison needed to take a break from work—from Emily and Paige—and hopefully clear her head.
Alison follows Spencer's voice till she spots her sitting with Hanna at a back booth and weaves her way through tables till she reaches the pair.
"Hey," Hanna greets, looking up from her phone as Alison takes a seat across from her. "I got hungry while we waited so I ordered us some cheesy fries to share."
Hanna pushes the tray of cheese covered french fries in Alison's direction. Alison eyes the food and makes a face of disgust before pushing it back towards Hanna with a shake of her head.
"Are you seriously rejecting cheesy covered goodness right now?" Hanna demands, insulted.
"You mean cheese covered fried grease?" Alison returns, frowning. "No thanks."
"Is this a pregnancy thing? You know, like when certain foods suddenly make pregnant women want to barf?" Hanna wonders out loud.
"Hanna," Spencer scolds, furtively glancing in Alison's direction to gauge the blonde's reaction.
"What?! She knows she's pregnant, it's not like it's a secret," Hanna says dismissively. "Why can't we mention it?".
"Because we agreed we wouldn't bring it up unless Alison brings it up first as not to upset her," Spencer whispers loudly through clenched teeth.
Hanna rolls her eyes as she pops another fry in her mouth. "It's not like Ali's going to forget someone shoved Emily's eggs inside her and created a Franken-baby if we don't talk about it."
"Jesus, Hanna!" Spencer exclaims, exasperated. "Tact. Try it sometime."
Alison sighs, tired of listening to her friends talk about her like she's invisible "It's fine. Hanna's right. Not talking about doesn't make it any less real. We can talk about it."
"Hear that?" Hanna smiles at Spencer. "I'm right."
They pause the conversation as the waitress approaches the booth to take their order. Alison watches her walk back to the kitchen to put their order in before turning back to face her friends' questions. It's not that she wants to talk about it, but it's out in the open now and she can't exactly avoid it.
"So," Spencer starts cautiously, "have you decided yet—what you're going to do?"
Alison takes a deep breath and fidgets with her napkin. "I decided what I was going to do when I was pregnant with Archer's and my baby. Now that it's Emily's… I'm back to square one."
"Why?" Spencer questions as she sips her iced tea.
"What do you mean why? Because it's Emily's baby," Alison fires back.
Spencer leans in, her voice soft but firm. "That doesn't change the fact that you didn't choose to get pregnant and you're not ready to have a child right now, Ali."
"Of course it does! It changes everything!" Alison cries, quickly growing agitated because Spencer just doesn't get it. "Besides, it's not my decision to make alone. Emily has a say too now."
"Where is Emily anyway?" Hanna asks. "I invited her to join us but she never answered my text."
"She's probably too busy having lunch with Paige, bonding over Pho and spring rolls," Alison mutters irritably, her eyes rolling in disgust as she picks at the turkey and avocado panini on her plate.
The reason she so readily accepted Spencer and Hanna's invitation to meet up at the Grille during her lunch break was because she wanted to get off campus for a bit so she won't have to watch Emily and Paige moon over each other in the faculty lounge. She'll have to go back to work and face them again soon enough, but for now, she's safe from the site that causes that strange sinking feeling in her chest.
Both Hanna and Spencer raise their eyes at Alison's ornery tone and watch curiously as the blonde plays with her food like a cranky toddler.
"Something wrong with your panini?" Spencer asks.
Alison frowns and shoves the plate away in disgust. "I've lost my appetite. The smell is making me sick."
"See I was right. It is a pregnancy thing!" Hanna beams proudly, taking another bite of her cheesy fries as Spencer shakes her head beside her.
"Hey, there you are," Paige smiles when she finds Emily on the bleachers in the gym going over her girls' latest lap times. "I've been looking all over for you."
Emily had been sort of hiding out since her conversation with Alison earlier in the morning, still trying to wrap her head around what it all meant. She had sought Alison out to gain some clarity, to get an explanation from the blonde as to why she disappeared after school yesterday without so much as a curtesy text message, but as always, her interaction with the blonde had left her more confused than ever. She hadn't expected Alison to respond favorably to the news that she was dating Paige again, but she was expecting snark and snippiness, not the haunting look of hurt and betrayal she had seen on Alison's face in her classroom a couple of hours ago.
Emily looks up from her clip board just as Paige leans down to give her a quick kiss on the lips. Emily flashes the other girl a tight-lipped smile as she pulls back and looks around the gym furtively.
"Paige, I was thinking maybe we should be a little more discrete when we're at work."
Paige raises her eyes as she takes a seat beside Emily on the bleachers and turns her head to face her. "What does that mean?"
"The kisses, the pet names, the PDA. I don't think those things are appropriate when we're at work," Emily explains carefully.
"Since when does Emily Fields start hiding who she is in public?" Paige questions, an edge of accusation to her voice.
"I'm not hiding anything," Emily defends sharply. "But you saw what happened with that girl Addison. She almost destroyed my reputation and nearly cost me my job over a hug."
Paige's expression softens. "Has Addison been giving you trouble again?"
"No. But who knows what that little brat is planning next," Emily says through gritted teeth as she stands to pace, frustrations flaring at the thought of the girl who had spied on her and Alison's private moment and given A.D. even more ammunition in their little game.
Paige cocks her head, eyes narrowing on Emily as the swim coach paces the gym floor. "This isn't about Addison, is it?"
Emily freezes, feeling Paige's gaze on her. "Of course it is," she stammers out guiltily. She isn't lying, Addison and her conniving ways did present a problem, but maybe there's also another reason for her PDA ban.
"This is about Ali," Paige accuses and Emily has to look away from Paige's intense expression because she can't deny that yes, this is partly about Alison. She can feel Alison pulling away from her and she knows her relationship with Paige is the likely culprit.
"Paige, come on," Emily says, trying to keep the conversation from veering into all to familiar territory. She's tired of fighting with Paige about Alison, even if there is some truth to the other girl's concerns.
"She can't stand seeing us happy together and you're too afraid to upset her!" Paige accuses angrily.
"That's not true," Emily tries to placate.
Paige shakes her head and stands. "This is unbelievable! You know, I thought that once Alison's situation was taken care of we would actually be able to be together without any distractions. But now I see that's never going to happen, is it?"
"Situation?" Emily repeats, her forehead creasing at Paige's words. "What situation?"
Paige takes a deep breath, having the decency to look guilty as she closes her eyes and admits the truth. "I know Alison is pregnant and that she's planning on having an abortion this weekend."
Emily's eyes widen in surprise. "How do you know that? Did Ali tell you?" She can't imagine Alison ever willingly disclosing such a personal piece of information to Paige, but she can't think of any other explanation for Paige's knowledge of Alison's previous plan.
"No. She left her stuff on the table in the faculty lounge the other day and I saw her appointment card," Paige admits.
"So you just went through her stuff? Paige, that appointment was private!" Emily scolds, her instinct to protect Alison kicking in. The blonde had been violated enough in regard to this pregnancy, she didn't need her privacy compromised too.
"I wasn't snooping. It just happened."
Emily rolls her eyes, "I'm sure it did."
"Emily, don't you see what's happening here?" Paige cries, her voice pleading. "It hasn't even been a week and Alison is already tearing us apart!"
"Alison didn't do anything wrong," Emily defends, annoyed at the implication that Alison is willingly playing any part in this screwed up situation. Alison's will had been stolen from her, just as Emily's had been when A.D. got ahold of her eggs, and she isn't going to listen to anyone cast blame on Alison after she had been so horrifically victimized.
"Of course she didn't," Paige scoffs. "You know, Emily, I really thought that once Ali gets rid of her baggage, you'd finally stop worrying about her and be able to go back to living your life. I was willing to wait it out because I want to be with you. But obviously I was being naive, because pregnant or not, Ali's always going to have that hold over you. She's always going to be able to pull you back into her drama."
"You think a baby is just baggage I'm waiting for Alison to get rid of so I won't have to deal with her anymore?" Emily snaps harshly. That baby—her baby— isn't baggage. That baby is the result of a painful act of violation neither she nor Alison asked for nor deserved. That baby turned her whole world upside down, and she still has no idea what the future holds, but baby or no baby, she's never going to stop caring about Alison.
"Emily, that's not what I meant," Paige argues. "I understand why you've been so worried about Ali lately. I get it, I really do. She needs a friend right now and I love that you have such a big heart that you want to be there for her in her time of need, but it's okay to be a little selfish too. It's okay to put yourself first every once in a while and not be the one she runs to for every little thing that goes wrong in her life."
Emily reminds herself to breathe as she remembers that Paige doesn't know the whole story. It's unfair of her to blow up over Paige's reaction—callous as it may have been- when Paige is still in the dark about the circumstances of Alison's pregnancy and Emily's role in it. "When did you find out?" she asks calmly.
"Monday."
Realization hits Emily, her head tilting slightly to study Paige. "Is that why you changed your mind about Iowa and decided to stay? Because you found out Ali is pregnant?"
"I thought maybe there was something going on between you two, but now I see you were just being a good friend and that Alison is in no place to be in a relationship," Paige explains, her voice desperate.
"So you decided to stay because you think Alison is too damaged to be considered a threat anymore?" Emily asks in disbelief.
"Emily, you're putting words in my mouth," Paige says, frowning as she closes the distance between them. "Why are we even talking about Alison right now? She has nothing to do with us."
"Then why do you make everything about her? Why did you base your decision to stay and be with me on her?"
"I—I didn't," Paige argues weakly. "I stayed because I love you."
Emily lets her eyes fall closed as she takes a deep breath and looks away from Paige's intensely adoring eyes. Did she love Paige back? The way she used to? The way Paige loves her? She can't bring herself to say the words.
"Emily, I'm tired of fighting about Alison," Paige says, grasping Emily's hands and squeezing desperately. "You said you were hoping for another chance at us, well here it is. We owe it to ourselves to try to make this work. No distractions. No complications. No one else. Just us."
Emily's stomach twists with guilt. She can't give Paige the assurance she deserves because there is someone else.
Emily works the rest of the day in a fog, her head still reeling from the conversations she had with Alison and Paige. She knows she has to make a decision—multiple decisions—but everything is so jumbled up and confusing and she has no idea how to proceed. She tries to focus on work to distract her from her doubts about Paige and her confusion about Alison, but her mind keeps returning to a certain blonde and the look in Alison's eyes when she had stormed out of her own classroom that morning.
After a long merciless afternoon practice with her team, Emily goes to check the locker room to make sure none of her girls are lingering behind. Finding the room clear, she starts to post the lane assignments for the weekend's meet on the board.
"Alright, I'm here. Let's go," Alison announces as she waltzes into the locker room, her displeasure written clearly on her face.
Emily spins to face the blonde and blinks back at her surprise. She had assumed Alison walked home again. It certainly didn't seem like the blonde would be willing to ride home with her after their last conversation.
"You insisted on giving me a ride home, remember? Or do you and Paige have to go shopping for matching flannels or something," Alison snarks, crossing her arms over her chest and turning away from the swim coach.
Emily rolls her eyes at the blonde's quip. "Jealousy isn't a good look on you, Ali."
"Me? Jealous of Paige? Please," Alison scoffs.
"I still have to lock up the office and take the towels to the laundry. I'll be a few minutes," Emily says.
Alison huffs at the delay. "Great. Guess I'll just wait here then."
"Just what the world needs, a hormonal Alison DiLaurentis," Emily mutters to herself, sliding past Alison to walk out to the pool area and finish up for the day.
When Emily returns to the locker room a few minutes later, she finds Alison sitting quietly on the bench staring pensively at a row of lockers.
"That used to be my gym locker," she says quietly.
"I know," Emily says, her eyes following Alison's line of sight to the metal door—memories of Alison's neck against her lips—soft and tasting of vanilla body wash—flooding back to her. She takes a couple of steps towards the bench and sits down next to Alison, turning her body so their knees touch and her eyes can read Alison's. "What are you thinking about?"
"Myself," Alison answers with a diminutive chuckle that makes Emily smile. "How awful I used to be. How badly I used to treat people—used to treat you."
Emily can feel the pain in Alison's regretful words and her heart breaks for the guilt-ridden blonde. "Ali, that was a long time ago."
Alison nods and presses her lips together. "Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. Like I don't even know who that girl is anymore. But other times, it doesn't feel like it was that long ago at all."
"We were all different people back then. I even had a boyfriend," Emily tries to joke, hoping to break Alison out of her somber mood.
Alison laughs. "Yeah that was weird. But you were still you. You just hadn't accepted that part of yourself yet."
"What about you? Have you accepted all parts of yourself?" Emily prods, her voice soft and her gaze warm.
Alison swallows hard, biting her lip as her eyes drop to Emily's mouth. She wants to lean forward and capture Emily's mouth with her own, sweep her tongue across the brunette's lips and taste her once again—tell her that she knows now and let that be her answer to all of Emily's unanswered questions, but Emily is with Paige now, and even though she doesn't like it, she'll respect it because Emily is better off loving someone who isn't her—someone like Paige.
"I hate the person I used to be, Em," Alison confesses, her eyes welling with tears. "I was so afraid of being myself that I hurt the people I cared about the most. I'm happy this baby will have no part of me."
"Have you… are you keeping it?" Emily asks.
Alison shakes her head and wipes at the tears that have started to fall. "I don't know. Maybe."
"Ali," Emily starts tenderly, reaching out to grab Alison's hand and forcing the blonde to look at her. "You don't have to keep this baby because its mine. I donated my eggs to help people who want to start a family, not so some psychopath can play God and manipulate you."
"What if I want to keep it because it's yours?" Alison asks, her voice small and full of fear.
"Then we'll figure it out. Okay? You and me together," Emily repeats her earlier promise as she takes in the meaning of Alison's words.
Deciding their conversations have been heavy enough for one day, Emily sighs and stands, stretching her tired muscles before turning back to Alison. "Come on, lets get you home," she says, extending a hand for Alison to take. But Alison doesn't acknowledge Emily or her outstretched hand, her clear blue eyes staring out ahead with a haunted glassy gaze. "Ali, what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry for how I treated you," Alison says finally, her eyes flitting up to the locker behind Emily.
Emily glances back at the locker and frowns at Alison's apology. "You've apologized for that already."
"But it'll never be enough," Alison says, shaking her head sadly. "I've spent years trying to make up for all the damage I caused when I was younger, but you can't go back. You can't undo years of lies and bad decisions. One way or another, it'll all come back to you."
"Do you think this is happening to you now because of what you did when you were younger?" Emily asks, trying not to sound too incredulous as not to make Alison think she's mocking her.
"Everyone has to pay, Emily. You can't out run karma. I thought I was done paying for my sins, but I was wrong," Alison says as she mulls over the cruelty of being impregnated with the child of the girl she loves when that girl happens to be in love with someone else. She had thought she had suffered for her past sins already-when her friends had turned on her years ago and she had been left to rot in jail for a crime she didn't commit, but now she sees God had a much crueler fate in store for her. Starting a family with Emily one day-that had been a dream she had barely had the courage to dream, and now she's being viciously taunted with that dream and the pain is unbearable.
"Ali, that was almost 10 years ago. You made mistakes but you were a child. You don't deserve what's happening to you now. No one does," Emily says firmly, crouching down in front of Alison to look her in the eyes and make her understand.
"Do I deserve you?" Alison asks softly.
Emily staggers back slightly, caught of guard by the genuine vulnerability she detects in Alison's voice. "What?"
Alison takes a deep breath and looks up at the brunette, her lips curving into a gentle trace of smile. "Do you remember when you tried to kiss me in here?" she asks, her hand reaching back to rub at the spot on the back of her neck where Emily's lips had grazed all those years ago.
Emily swallows and nods slowly, not wanting to relive that particular memory.
"I was so scared that day," Alison confesses.
"You were scared? Of what?" Emily asks, because she remembers being terrified—terrified that Alison would react exactly the way she did, but Alison had never seemed afraid of anything back then.
"That feeling I got in my stomach when you kissed me for the first time. I tore you down and made you feel stupid for taking a chance that day after gym, but I wanted you to kiss me again and that terrified me," Alison admits in a tearful rush. "So when you did, I snapped at you and made you think I didn't want you to, but the truth is, I wanted to feel that feeling in my stomach again. I still do."
"Ali," Emily breathes out raggedly.
"Ten years later and I'm still scared," Alison says with a regretful laugh. "And now I've lost you."
"You haven't lost me."