Author's Note: Hey everyone, here's chapter 5! Sorry this took me a couple days longer than I anticipated, I got side-tracked with a post-7x16 one-shot I wrote and posted. And yes for those asking, I'm still working on Hold Me Down. And also possibly another one-shot. Guess all this emison we've been getting lately has inspired me because I don't usually work on multiple stories at a time but there's just so much I want to explore with these two. Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing :) Next chapter should be out in a few days. Hope you enjoy and let me know what you think!
Alison sighs into her cup of chamomile tea, which she still hasn't gotten used to drinking, as she carefully dials the number on the card in her hand. The faculty lounge has cleared out for the morning and she's finally able to sit down and make the call she's been dreading.
She should have talked this decision over with Emily further but after baring her soul to the brunette in the locker room yesterday and then being too scared and tongue-tied to talk when Emily came over and asked her to have the baby, Alison doesn't think she can take another emotional heart-to-heart with Emily. So she decides to gather a little more information on the issue, just to see how it makes her feel, and with that, hopefully comes a little more perspective.
"Hi. I'd like to set up an appointment with Doctor Palmer. Alison DiLaurentis. Yes. For a sonogram. Anytime after four would be good. Yes, that'll work. Okay, great. I'll see you Wednesday at 4:00 then. Thank you."
"Great," Alison groans when she hangs up the phone and looks up to find a figure hovering over her. "Do you make it a habit of spying on all your co-workers, or just me?"
"It's called the faculty lounge, I'm on the faculty," Paige says, returning Alison's snarky tone before making her way over to the coffee maker.
"Don't remind me," Alison mutters as she stands up and starts collecting her belongings from the table. She really doesn't need to be around Paige when she's struggling to make a decision on whether or not to have Emily's baby.
"Ali, wait," Paige calls after her.
Alison stops her retreat and turns to Paige expectantly. As she waits for the other woman to speak, Alison feels her heart sink as she's hit with the realization that if she has this baby, Paige will be a part of his or her life.
Paige clutches an empty mug in her hand and cautiously lifts her eyes to meet Alison's. "I wanted to apologize for the other day," she says. "I shouldn't have looked through your stuff. That information was private and I was wrong to do that."
"You're right, you were wrong," Alison agrees quickly. "But thank you. Apology accepted," she adds, her voice softening a bit.
Paige nods and continues to stare at Alison like she wants to say something.
Alison raises an eyebrow at Paige's anxious body language. "Is that all?"
"Did I hear wrong or were you just scheduling a sonogram appointment when I came in?" Paige asks hesitantly.
"I don't see how that's any of your business," Alison snaps, an edge to her voice. She doesn't care if Paige will eventually be a part of this baby's life, right now this baby is a part of her and she's not going to explain herself to Paige.
Paige shakes her head, "It's not. I just thought you had decided to have an abor—"
"I'm not having this discussion with you," Alison cuts her off sharply, whirling around and striding out of the room before Paige can say another word.
Aria texts that she'll be dropping by around lunchtime and Alison starts to suspect that her friends are plotting to fill her free time in order to keep her mind off her current situation. As if a casual lunch with friends could distract her from the fact that she's carrying Emily's child, or from thinking about the way that child came to be. Because despite her friends' good intentions and best efforts, it's still all she thinks about, and she honestly doesn't know how she can feel so scared one moment, and so hopeful the next. And that confusion, those conflicting thoughts and feelings, have been plaguing her for days now, because she still feels so violated and angry when she thinks about what was done to her in Welby, but at the same time, she's carrying a part of Emily inside her and anything that's part Emily is good.
"So have you and Emily talked anymore about what you want to do?" Aria asks as she sets out various takeout cartons on Alison's desk.
"A little bit but not really. Things have been kind of complicated lately," Alison answer evasively.
Aria sits on the edge of Alison's desk, her body angled slightly so that she's facing her friend and her lunch balanced in lap. "Yeah. What's going on there?"
"With the baby? I made an appointment for a sonogram this week but we still haven't decided what we're doing." She hasn't decided but she made a sonogram appointment. To see the baby. The baby she maybe sort of wants to have now that she knows Emily wants her to. The baby she's still too afraid to actually talk about with Emily.
Aria nods, her brows raising slightly, but otherwise not reacting to the sonogram news. "And what about you and Emily?"
Alison presses her tongue against the inside of her cheek to keep herself from saying what's really on her mind. "What about me and Emily?"
Aria rolls her eyes as she passes Alison a plastic fork and knife wrapped in a paper napkin. "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. What's going on with you two?"
"Nothing," Alison mumbles, suddenly finding her salad very interesting.
"Did you really think we didn't know there was something going on between you two? Come on, Ali, we know you both better than that. Besides, neither of you are very subtle," Aria says, shooting her a pointed look.
Alison exhales, too tired to deny Aria's insinuation. "There is no me and Emily. There's Emily and Paige. Again," she grounds out, jabbing her fork into her salad a little more forcefully than necessary.
Aria raises her brow in question, "Paige? I didn't realize she was back in the mix."
"Yeah," Alison grumbles. "I screwed up again—shocking, I know—and now Emily's with Paige. And I'm with child." Alison shakes her head at herself. How did her life get this messed up?
Aria gives her a sympathetic look. "How did you screw up?"
Alison takes a deep breath and places her fork down. "I couldn't tell her what she needed to hear when she needed to hear it. I was scared and confused and I pushed her away," Alison explains in a rush, closing her eyes as the memory assaults her. She had been so stupid that day in her house when Emily asked why she had kissed her a couple of nights prior. Emily had given her a chance to admit her feelings right then and there, to say exactly what she's always wanted to say, but Alison had chickened out. She had convinced herself that it wasn't the right time, that it wasn't fair to Emily, that her situation was too messy, too much of a burden, that it could never work—all of which may have been true, but in reality, she had just been too scared to open her mouth and admit the truth about the kiss—about Emily. And now Emily has moved on.
"Did you explain that to her?" Aria asks, her voice soft.
Alison shakes her head, regret overwhelming her. "There's no point. That ship has sailed. Right back to Paige."
"There's still a chance things might work out with you two," Aria says.
But Alison doesn't share her friend's romantic optimism. "I don't think so. Pretty sure that's officially off the table now."
"I don't think it'll ever be off the table for you two. You guys have always had a special connection and if that connection can weather death, multiple As, jail, the dollhouse, college, and everything else you two have been through together, then I don't see why it can't survive this," Aria says with a hopeful smile.
"I don't know," Alison muses pensively before taking a bite of her salad. This baby is so much more monumental than anything they've ever dealt with before and she's not quite sure how to navigate this particular path, especially when she won't have Emily by her side because Emily has chosen someone else.
Alison's too caught up in her own thoughts to notice a third person enter the room, but her head snaps up at the airy sound of Aria's voice.
"Hey Em," Aria greets and Alison hurriedly wipes at the tears that had started pooling in her eyes. She glances up to see Aria smile at the swim coach and gesture to the food spread on Alison's desk. "Want some macaroni salad?" Aria offers.
Emily narrows her eyes at the pair and presses her lips together.
"Aria stopped by to bring me lunch," Alison explains. "You're welcome to join us. That is if you don't have other plans."
"No thanks, I'm good," Emily says, glaring at Aria.
"Em," Alison starts, noticing Emily's irritated attitude towards her lunch companion.
"You know what, I should probably get going," Aria excuses herself, glancing uneasily in Emily's direction as she hops off of Alison's desk. "Ali, if you need someone to take you to that appointment, let me know," she says as she drops her near empty salad container in the trash can beside Alison's desk.
"Thanks again for lunch, Aria. I'll see you later," Alison says with a small smile.
Aria smiles back at the blonde and heads towards the door, offering a quick goodbye to Emily before she leaves.
"Are you seriously still mad at her?" Alison asks once Aria is gone. She thinks Emily's being a little ridiculous about this whole Aria thing. She was the one stranded in that stupid store and she forgave Aria as soon as she apologized.
"Of course I'm still mad at her! She left you alone in a baby store to be terrorized and traumatized by some sick sadistic freak!" Emily snaps angrily, her eyes flashing as she nears Alison's desk.
Alison stands and walks around the front her desk, leaning back against its edge as she locks eyes with Emily. "She didn't know what was going to happen. Besides, it's not her responsibility to babysit me."
Emily huffs in annoyance and takes a few steps closer to Alison till she's standing beside the blonde. "It's not about babysitting you, Ali. It's called being a friend, and clearly Aria doesn't know how to do that."
"It's fine, Em. I'm fine. There's no need to still be mad," Alison says, trying to calm the brunette by placing a hand on her shoulder.
Emily whirls around to face her, causing Alison's hand to fall away from her shoulder. "It's not fine! Nothing about this is fine! You shouldn't have had to find that out on your own. Someone should have been there with you." Emily comes to a pause, pulling her lip between her teeth and shaking her head. "I should have been there with you," she adds quietly.
"Why weren't you?" Alison asks softly, her eyes watching Emily carefully.
Emily is caught off guard by the forwardness of the question and the fragile tone Alison asks it in. "What?"
"You and Hanna didn't show up together that night at my house so you must not have been home with her. Where were you?" Alison asks. She has a feeling she knows exactly where Emily was that night, or rather who she was with, but she feels a self-destructive desire to confirm her suspicions.
Emily tries to swallow down her guilt. "I was with Paige."
"Is that the night you two decided to get back together?" Alison asks. There's no anger or accusation in her voice, just a sad sort of acceptance.
"Alison," Emily exhales. She may not be as quick to forgive as Alison when it comes to Aria's transgression, but she's self-aware enough to know that it's not Aria she's truly mad at. It's herself.
Alison looks down and nods in understanding. "Right. Don't answer that."
"You made another appointment," Emily says after a moment, eager to change the subject.
Alison shakes herself out of her daze and nods again. "Yeah."
"So you decided to go through with the abortion after all?" Emily asks, trying hard not to fend off the sinking ache of disappointment that's settling in the pit of her stomach. Because how can she be so devastated over the loss of something she never even had? Something she didn't have the right to want in the first place? She knew it was asking too much of Alison to have this baby, but she had been hopeful that they'd be able to do this together and now it feels like that hope is being ripped away from her.
Alison shakes her head frantically, turning to face Emily. "Oh. No. It's not…. I made a sonogram appointment," she explains in haste.
"A sonogram?" Emily repeats, surprised but pleased. "So you're definitely having the baby?" she asks eagerly.
"I'm not definite about anything," Alison says, looking away from Emily's hopeful brown eyes for a moment. "But I'm not not having the baby. And I'm a few weeks into the pregnancy now and I probably should have had one already, so…" Alison trails off, her eyes darting nervously around the room to avoid meeting Emily's gaze.
"I think that's a good idea."
"You do?" Alison asks, turning her head quickly to look at the brunette.
"Yeah," Emily says, her lips curving into a small smile. "If you're seriously considering having this baby then you should make the appropriate appointments."
"I am considering it," Alison confesses. "It's what you want, right?"
Emily frowns. She doesn't want Alison doing this out of obligation or because she feels she has to for her sake. "Ali, it has to be what you want too. I already told you, this is your decision to make."
"It's our decision. Please, Em," Alison pleads tearfully. She feels so lost and out of control lately and she wants to do this for Emily, with Emily, but she's terrified and she needs to know Emily wants this too, really wants this because she can't do it without her.
Emily moves so that she's standing in front of Alison. She raises her arms and places her hands on Alison's shoulders, forcing the blonde to look at her as she runs her hands up and down Alison's arms. "I want you to have the baby. I want a chance to raise him or her," Emily repeats earnestly. "But only if you want that too."
Alison forces out a shaky breath, tears swimming in her eyes. "Okay."
"Okay?" Emily echoes.
"Okay. I'll do it," Alison says, nodding.
Emily's eyes shoot up. "You will?"
"If you'll help me."
Emily nods quickly and grabs hold of Alison's hand. "I'll help you. Of course I'll help you."
"I can't do this alone, Em," Alison says. She's so scared that she'll screw this up and disappoint Emily in some way, but she wants this.
"You won't. I'm here. We'll do it together," Emily promises, reaching up to wipe away Alison's tears with her thumb.
Alison nods, leaning into Emily's touch and forcing out a breath. "Okay. Together."
"So can I go with you to your sonogram appointment?" Emily asks once she pulls back, hope swimming in her deep brown eyes.
"You don't have to. Aria already offered," Alison mumbles. Of course she'd rather Emily go with her but she doesn't want Emily to think she's too needy.
"You're not going with Aria," Emily says decidedly.
"Em, come on."
Emily shakes her head. "No. I don't trust her with this. It's too important and she'll flake out on you again. I'm taking you."
"I'll be fine, Em," Alison tries to protest.
"I'm serious, Ali. I want to be there for you. If we're going to do this, we need to do it together. Please stop shutting me out," Emily pleads, squeezing Alison's hand.
Alison glances down at their intertwined fingers as if she had forgotten Emily's hand was wrapped around her own. "Okay. I'm sorry," Alison says before pausing. "I'd like for you to be there."
Emily grins happily. "I'd like to be there. Just tell me where and when and I'm all yours."
Alison smiles at Emily's eagerness. "Wednesday at 4:00."
Emily's face falls instantly as she lets go of Alison's hand and wrings her hands together. "I have a mandatory athletic department meeting that day after school."
"Oh, okay. Don't worry about it then," Alison says, trying to mask her disappointment.
"Maybe I can get out of it," Emily throws out as she starts to pace the classroom floor.
Alison notes Emily's distress and feels a pang of guilt. Not even two minutes into this decision and they've already hit their first roadblock.
"No, Em, you don't have to re-arrange your life because of me. I'm going to have lots of appointments in the future. You can come to the next one," Alison tries to reason but Emily doesn't look any less crushed.
"You shouldn't go alone. Maybe someone else can go...Spencer or Hanna," Emily suggests, her voice thick with regret.
"Em, it's fine. Don't worry about it. It's just a sonogram. I'm perfectly capable of going on my own." She gives Emily a small smile and starts to leave. When she reaches the door Alison turns back towards Emily, something having occurred to her. "Em, just out of curiosity, did Paige organize this meeting?"
Emily looks up, confusion clouding her features. "Of course. She's the athletic department supervisor."
Alison nods knowingly. "And let me guess, she told you about it this morning? Some time after 9?"
The crease in Emily's forehead deepens. "Yeah I just got the email a couple hours ago."
Alison laughs and shakes her head in disbelief. "Of course."
"What do you mean?" Emily stares back at the laughing blonde, still wearing a puzzled expression.
"Paige was lurking in the faculty lounge when I was on the phone with my doctor's office this morning. She overheard me scheduling the appointment," Alison explains.
"You think Paige set this meeting up just to keep me from going to your appointment with you?" Emily questions. "Ali, that's ridiculous."
"Is it?" Alison challenges. "Paige has made her feelings towards me perfectly clear. And we both know she hates that you've been spending time with me and would do whatever she can to keep you from me."
Emily shakes her head. "Alison, Paige wouldn't do something like that." Would she?
Alison laughs again, although there's no humor to it. "Right. That's something I would do."
"Alison," Emily calls, watching as Alison's posture stiffens and her expression shifts to one more guarded.
"I'll see you later, Emily."
As Alison walks away from Emily she starts to wonder if this is what it's going to be like—her, Emily, the baby... and Paige pulling them apart. If Paige is a part of Emily's life it's only logical to assume she'll be a part of the baby's life, and Alison's heart aches when she thinks about it, because even with a baby, they'll never be a family. Paige is always going to be there between them, and Emily is always going to choose Paige over her, and where does that leave her?