I give in to his kiss. I kiss him back and he runs his free hand through my hair. His long eyelashes tickle my skin. My hands navigate towards his thighs. I pull back, remembering that his son is sleeping on my bed and I better stop this before it escalates. How I want this to escalate.
Ren puts his forehead on mine and breathes deep.
"This feels right to me." His voice is steady, his hands grip my shoulders gently, and I want to throw myself into the sun.
WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST HEAR?!
"I've wanted something like this to happen for a long time, but now that it has, I don't know what to feel." I whisper. I look at him without a legible expression on my face.
"Tell me what's on your mind."
"What is this? Why are you here?" My questions make him raise his eyebrows. I can feel his forehead wrinkle our intertwined bangs.
"I like you." He says those three words like it was no big deal. Where was the Ren that would avoid all conversation pertaining to feelings? He grew the fuck up, Pirika. Look, here he is just where you wanted him to be all this time. Why are you full of doubt?
"Since when?" Fuck, Pirika! What did I just say?
"For a while now."
"You don't know me." I don't scoff the words at him. Rather, I say with sadness, trying to address that I've changed and I'm not the Pirika he once knew.
"I've been in touch with Horohoro ever since we met up last year. He tells me about you and how you're doing."
Wait, does he ASK about me? Is this creepy?
"You like the image that my brother sells of me." I can hear him exhale, his breath tickles my nostrils.
"Pirika..."
"What did he say?"
"He said you're a hard worker and that you're doing well in school. He told me how you keep making your trinkets to sell in the onsen. He told me how you're still kind and supportive of him. That you played a big role in helping him settle here in Tokyo. He also told me how you seem lonely and that he feels bad because he doesn't know what to do."
"That's what makes you like me?" I don't want to address the fact that my brother perceives my loneliness. Either he knows me better than the credit I've give him or I don't hide it as well as I think I do.
"That and I remember how you were. I remember your smile and your tears. And I remember that night we spent together."
"You're holding on to an old memory of a person that no longer exists."
"Aren't you doing the same?"
I stayed silent, not knowing how to proceed. No one tells you how to handle these kinds of situations. We both like the people we once were. It's like we want to take comfort in the shadows of our former selves. I'm not trying to cling onto my youth. I doubt he's trying to do the same. So, what is this?
"Besides," he moves his hand from my shoulder to my hair, "it's not like we're completely different people than we were before."
"You're a lot better at expressing yourself." I point out. He lets out a soft chuckle.
"You're still beautiful." He sounds sincere in his kind words.
This is news to me. I have never been told I am beautiful, much less by Ren. I know I have a cute face and a hot body, but beautiful? No, beauty is reserved for the people whose presence lights up the room in a fraction of a second. Beauty is found in those with a pure heart and a good soul. I have used too many people for my sexual satisfaction for me to be beautiful. I'll take pretty, but beautiful I don't believe.
"Ask me how many people I've used for…" I look over to check if Men is still asleep. I see his little chest rise and fall slowly, but I decide to censor myself just in case he can overhear us, "pleasure over the past eight years."
He looks at me, his face tells me he heard my cue, "Does it matter?"
"Ask me."
"How many?"
"Fifteen."
"Fifteen?" he asks without judgement.
"With you, sixteen."
"So?"
"I used them. It's not like they were unwilling, but…" I don't know how to go on.
"But?"
"Most of them wanted more, but I just wanted to keep things physical."
"Did they know?"
"Yes."
"Then, how is it bad?"
"Because it was shallow. Each time."
"Did you enjoy yourself?"
"That's the problem. I enjoyed myself leaving people who were pining after me. If they were apathetic about me recusing myself from their lives, I felt like I wasted my time."
"Would you do it again?"
"I might."
"But not to me."
"How can you be sure?"
"Because you actually like me."
"You're so smug about this."
"Pirika, that night we spent together meant something to me. It wasn't what I was looking for, but it was what I needed. I spent many years feeling like I had hurt you, which is why I didn't make an attempt to contact you. I wanted to give you space. Talking to Horohoro this past year - the way he talk about you, he's very proud. It made me want to get to know you again. Then, I saw you last night and it just made sense to me. I like you."
"So, what are you gonna do about it?"
"I want to know if you're willing to date me."
"Only if I like what I see. We're different people. Let's get to know each other again."
"Alright."
"Okay." Neither of us know what to say next. I check my clock on the wall. We still have about two hours before we go to the onsen for brunch. What are we going to do for two whole hours? There is no instruction manual on how to keep an ex-lover (possible future romance) entertained while his son takes a nap on your bed.
I decided to take the first step in this whole reacquainting business. I don't have the time for this courting process to be dragged out like we're in high school.
"Lay down on my lap." I instruct him.
"Why?"
"Just do it. I have some questions for you." He complies and positions his head and shoulders on my thighs, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"Can I ask you about your family?
"Yes."
"How are they?"
"They're doing well."
"How's Jun?"
"She has mastered equipping zombies with firearm technology. Apart from that, she lives a very happy life with Pyron."
"They can't have kids, can they?"
"Not unless they adopt."
"Will they?"
"I don't think they want any. She's comfortable just being an aunt to Men. They spoil him constantly." I remember that Lee Pyron had a wife and children before he was turned into Jun's toy. I wonder if he thinks about them when he sees Men. I wonder if he thinks about his wife. I wonder if Jun still feels guilty for treating him the way she did before Yoh set her on the right path. I wonder how they manage to have sex, if they have any. I mean, Pyron is a zombie how can he - ew, don't go there. Change the subject, quick.
"How come no one was informed about your wedding?" I decide to get personal.
"We eloped. Not even my parents attended the ceremony."
"Were they happy about that?"
"They were not. After I gave them the news, my father told me that he would have accepted my child regardless of our marriage. Men would still be allowed to bare the Tao name and be my heir. They accepted Jeanne all the same."
"Would you have married Jeanne had you known that?" I pull no punches.
"I'm uncertain." There is no hesitation in his voice.
"And your parents treat Men well?"
"They spoil him more than Jun does. If Men ever wants anything, he knows that my father is willing and able to give it to him." His response makes me smile.
"Do you like being a dad?"
"Honestly," he pauses and breathes deep, " it's terrifying. There's this person that I created who is completely helpless without me. I have to know what to do at all hours of the day to keep him safe and healthy. He relies on me, whether or not I am physically there with him. I have to put aside my needs, my desires, and fears in order to be a good dad. But, it's also nice." Ren's tone changes from lukewarm to warm. The edges of his mouth curl into a smile as he talks. "There's this little creature who is always happy to see me. I get to see him experience things for the first time. I get to see the world through a fresh pair of eyes - I think it's made me less cynical."
"Wow." I look down at him. "You, less cynical?"
"Shocking right?"
"Incredibly." Ren laughs at my answer.
"Why are you asking me all this?" His smile is barely visible, but I know it's there.
"Because if you're serious about this, I want us to be able to talk about everything. I see no point in delaying being open with each other. I want to get to know you."
"In that case, continue."
"You mentioned that in order to be a good dad, you have to put away your fears. What's your biggest fear?"
"That my son will grow up in the same hell I did." Ren remains calm.
"From what I've seen, you're a great dad."
He says nothing.
"My dad is a single father, too." Take my hand and cup Ren's cheek. "He did his best, making sure we had everything we could ever want. But, he never did try to understand us fully. There was a time that my brother was supremely depressed and he did nothing." I remember when Onii-chan was living through the loss of Damuko. "He did nothing even though he knew what it felt like to feel like you're continuously falling into an endless abyss. I don't think you're going to be like that. You managed to climb out of that darkness and come out a better person. I have no doubt that you're always going to be a good dad."
His eyes stare into mine. I am able to read nothing. His blank stare is starting to make me feel like I've said too much. Suddenly, he smiles and caresses my cheek in return, finally uncrossing his arms. Ren sits up,
"It's your turn, now." His voice remains calm and collected.
I lie down on his lap, not knowing what to do with my arms. I opt for allowing one hand to rest on my stomach, while the other plays with my hair.
"Just start talking. I don't know what to ask."
I tell him about moving down here and living on my own for the first time. I tell him how school keeps me busy and what I want to do with my degree. I tell him about how I was worried how Kororo would react to the news of my brother getting married (she's fine with it). I tell him how Tamao is a good fit for Horohoro. His body relaxes when I assure him that my brother will want for naught with her at his side. Ren still cares deeply about him, I can tell.
We continue to talk for the next two hours. It feels comfortable and freeing. For so long, I haven't had anyone with whom I can talk. Usually, I keep things to myself. If things get a little too much for me to handle on my own, I share my concerns with Onii-chan or Tamao. Rare as it may be, allowing them to help me carry the burden of my everyday life makes me feel loved and cared for. If Ren and I begin to date, when will I tell Onii-chan? Should I tell him and Tamao at the same time? How will Onii-chan react? Will he feel like Ren is taking advantage of his sweet little sister?
When it's time to head over to the onsen, we wake up Men gently. Leaving my apartment, Ren carries his son in one arm, the other busy holding my hand. I carry the diaper bag, not being able to help but feel like we're a family.
Author's Note:
This was a very hard chapter for me to write. I feel like the dialogue is sappy D:
I felt the need to make this its own separate chapter because getting to know someone you once knew is slow and arduous. Just like this fic, apparently.
Next chapter will pick up and we'll finally move on from Sunday.
Replies:
poketat: Oh, my goodness, thank you! Yeah, I feel like most of the SK dudes are mostly demisexuals with different romantic inclinations. Ryu is straight up gay, though.