Chapter 8: Three to Five Weeks
I don't feel well. I don't feel sick, but I just feel off.
I hazily make my way to my kitchen to make myself some lunch. Decked out in sweatpants on this slow Monday afternoon, I decide that grilled cheese is the best food to compliment today's vibe. I turn my stereo to a chill rock station before engaging autopilot mode.
In a matter of minutes, there are four grilled cheese sandwiches stacked on a plate in front of me. I know I shouldn't be eating greasy foods, but sometimes you gotta give into your cravings, man. You just gotta. I sit at my table to eat, something I don't do often enough.
It's been three months since Ren and I started dating. Horo and the others don't know yet. Maybe that's why I feel funky, the guilt is almost enough to kill me. Every time I see my brother or my friends, I want to tell them. I mean, it's not a big deal. They all have their own lives. And, it's not like they made huge announcements when they started or ended relationships! Then again, they didn't hide it either. Everyone was just really chill about it.
Fuck.
I don't even have a valid excuse anymore, what am I supposed to say now? "Sorry we didn't tell y'alls before, but we were having too much fun with our sex marathons"? I don't think so.
I'm beginning to think that I should just tell Onii-chan by myself, that way if he gets angry, at least Ren will be in China where they can't get into a physical brawl. I do worry some chauvinistic bullshit will overcome my protective brother should he find out his best friend has been dating his little sister.
Now I remember why I'm hesitant to talk to him about this. Like, I don't expect him to get all high and mighty and start preaching about honor, but I wouldn't be surprised. He's never had a real problem with any of my boyfriends, unless you consider being majorly indifferent towards all of them a problem.
I don't want him to be indifferent about this one. I want him to care, but in the right way. I want him to tell us that we don't need his blessing at all and that it's silly to think he'll overreact; that he's surprised how long it's taken us to actually start dating or why he didn't think of setting us up when we were younger.
I want a fantasy.
The jiggle of the handle snaps me back into reality.
My door opens as Hao lets himself in. There's an aura about him that feels particularly wicked today.
I know this feeling well.
Normally, Hao is passively haughty and slightly annoying; when he gets in these moods he's downright cold and straight up obnoxious. He'll say anything that comes to mind, regardless of how hurtful it may be to others, just like Old Hao. He's sluggish, but full of repressed energy. He's upset at something and I'm afraid he wants me to be his chew toy.
There goes my quiet day.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask from my chair, not bothering to get up or stop chewing my grilled cheese.
"There's nothing to talk about." He takes a seat next to me, crosses his legs, and leans on his elbow. His Shaman King pose. "I'm hungry."
"I grilled cheese." I push my plate of two sandwiches closer to him.
Hao makes a face.
"Do you have something that isn't smothered in butter? All you ever eat is greasy, foreign food." He pushes the plate back in my direction.
Not wanting to provoke him, I get up and go to my fridge. I take out a few oranges that I had chilling and place them in a bowl.
"You get oranges. I haven't had time to go grocery shopping." I place the bowl down in front of him. He stares at it for a second, obviously disappointed with what he's got.
"Of course you haven't had time, all you do now is lock yourself in here with your boyfriend." He says that last word like a child mocking another child.
Ass.
"Are you jealous that my boyfriend and I actually get along?" I retake my seat, determined to get him to talk to me about why he's come to torment me. Hao shoots me a nasty look.
"Mari and I get along just fine." He takes an orange and begins to peel it defensively.
"For a couple that gets along well, you sure do fight a lot." I needle him, taking a bite out of my third grilled cheese.
"That's none of your business." Hao snaps at me.
"It's my business when you come into my home angier than a jock on steroids!" I raise my voice at him without intending. Whoopsies.
Hao's face sports a devious smirk. He places the half-peeled orange back in the bowl.
Oh no.
"Just tell me why you decided to come here if you were going to act like a jerk." I should have worded that more delicately, but I'm tired of having to babysit Hao through his bad moods.
Hao rolls his eyes.
"Fine." He sighs like a teenager from a bad drama. "Mari and I got into the same fight."
I knew it had to do with Mari! Score, Pirika. You're getting good at this.
"Who started it this time?" I ask, fullwell knowing Hao always starts shit.
"All I did was ask her what was wrong!" Hao raises his voice in exasperation. "She's been short with me for a while, so I asked her what was bothering her and she starts talking about how I look down on her for not being strong enough. She starts to nag me about not taking her into the Great Spirit and then she asks me if I even plan to marry her! Like she's afraid she's wasting her time by dating the Shaman King! Really the nerve of that girl -"
"But you do look down on her." I interrupt Hao before he accidentally gets too worked up and sets something on fire. Again. "And you don't plan to marry her."
"Of course not, she's not strong enough to be the Shaman Queen." Hao crosses his arms to emphasize his point.
"Well, then who is, Hao?" I snap at him again. "Who? Mari is one of the strongest shaman there is! Shit, she was on your detail and kicked ass for fuck's sake! She fucked us all up! If you're looking for strength, you got it! Or what, are you more focused on mental fortitude? Because the last time I checked, the reason she's so depressed is because after being abandoned and hunted as a child, she found out that the person she loved, respected, and served for most of her life thought of her as disposable!" I argue on Mari's behalf.
Hao stays quiet, looking at me with disbelief.
"It's a miracle that she trusts you enough to sleep with you! So, who are you looking for, Hao? Anna?" I almost regret saying that.
"Don't be ridiculous." Hao grows angry and gets up from the table and walks towards the door.
"You can't run away from this one, Hao." I yell after him, getting up from my seat.
He stops in his tracks at my words and turns to me.
I walk as I talk, "Everyone knows you were in love with her! Everyone knows you envy Yoh because he's the one who got to marry her; he's the one who fathered her son! Get over it, she didn't choose you! She would never choose you because you only want her because you have a freaky Oedipal complex. This whole strength thing is an excuse! You want Mari to fix you like you think Anna can fix you because she's your mommy!" I keep getting closer. My index finger now pokes at his cloaked chest with every point I make.
Hao stares at me with his mouth open, stunned.
I've never yelled at him like this before. I'm a bit surprised at myself for not keeping my cool. Whatever, this needs to be said. Enough with him acting like a child who is jealous because his brother got the better toy. Enough.
"Is it a coincidence that you chose to date someone who you know you have control over - who looks like Anna, who looks like your mom? You know what your problem is?! You're lonely! You and I both know that only the loneliest people can read minds. The reason that you're with Mari is to compensate for the fact that Anna doesn't love you! But you can't fix this by distracting yourself or thinking that she's going to love the insecurity out of you! She can't fix you and you can't fix her!" I pause to take a deep breath, looking Hao in the eyes. "If you really want this to work out, stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to her. She's not who you want her to be, so accept her for who she is. If you can't do that, then move on. Or else, you are wasting your time. You have to ask yourself, Hao, who are you looking for?"
"You." Hao closes the gap between our bodies.
"What?" I freeze in place. I feel the urge to run as sirens blare in my head, but my feet are cemented to the floor.
"You." He says again, wrapping one arm around my waist, the other holds my right wrist.
Before I know it, I am spun until my back touches the wall.
Hao has me pinned, his body looming over mine. Although he is not much taller than I am, I feel so very small in my current position. His aura surges, causing his long hair to flow around him as he undoes his cloak, revealing his bare chest. Both of his arms are now at my sides, his face is getting closer to mine by the second.
I try to become one with the wall, but, alas, I am not triumphant.
I dare not speak.
All I can do right now is scowl at the Shaman King who has trapped me in my own home. I am not a strong shaman. I know that I will lose against Hao if I try to use force to escape whatever he has planned.
"I need you." Hao puts his hand on my chin, raising it so my lips are mere centimeters away from his.
Rage flows through me like a flash flood.
"This is wrong." I say through my teeth in an attempt to get him to unhand me.
As if in slow motion, I can feel him guide my face closer to his, he keeps moving forward.
A collision is inevitable.
Hao's lips pucker slightly, I can feel his breath on my face.
I wince in anticipation for what is about to happen.
My eyes close in defense as my body stiffens.
Suddenly, I feel Hao let out a sharp breath through his nose. In less than a second, he is laughing in my face. Gross, hysterical laughs cause him to lose his breath as tears form in his eyes.
"You should have seen your face!" Hao manages to form a sentence between bouts of laughter. One of his hands now clutches his stomach, his other hand is still on the wall, preventing him from doubling over.
Irritated at his latest "prank", I lash out by almost twisting his nipples off.
Hao jumps back with a yelp, no longer laughing.
"That wasn't funny!" I yell at him. A knot forms in my throat. "There was no reason to do that!" My face feels hot. It takes me all my strength to not break down, but my eyes well up anyway.
"Oh, come on, Pirika, there's no reason to cry!" Hao tries to lighten the mood and sits on my couch.
"That was dirty!" My voice shakes. "That was mean!" I get closer to him, so now he has to look up at me and feel small.
"Have you met me?" Hao doesn't apologize. Instead, he tries to wave me away, for I am obstructing his view of the TV.
Words cannot express how much I want to tear the smirk off his stupid face and throw him into a volcano, so I say nothing.
I begin to walk back to my table, planning to devour what's left of my sandwiches in a blind rage. Not watching where I step, I trip over myself and almost fall; Hao catches me right on time.
"Careful there, clumsy." Hao props me back up.
Contact with his skin recharges my wrath, "Don't touch me!" I slap him away.
He sits down, crossing his arms at his chest.
"You're being more emotional than usual; what are you preg-" My hand shoots in front of his mouth, shushing him instantly.
"That's impossible. I'm expecting my period." I won't have such talk. Way to be a dick about this and blame my actions on hormones, Hao. The nerve.
"Are you?" Hao asks despite there being a hand hovering next to his mouth.
"Yes, I'm only a little late. It happens when I go back to school with stress and stuff." I begin to doubt myself now.
"And you're cranky, and you're constantly hungry - don't act like you only grilled two cheeses, I know there were four - and you're uncoordinated." Hao tries to make a case.
"I'm not cranky, you came in here and put me in a bad mood; I'm hungry like I'm always hungry, just don't have a lot in my fridge right now; and you saw me trip once, it's not like I've been a shitshow. So, ha." I undo this theory.
"Think about it, Pirika, there's no way you might be pregnant right now?" Hao asks me seriously.
I begin to count the days my period is late. Nine.
Oh, NO.
We stare at each other in silence with wide eyes for half-a-minute.
I am the first one to start screaming.
"T-t-t-test! A p-pr-a-pru- a pregnancy test! Get a test! Buy three!" Hao leaps from his seat and brandishes his pointer finger at me.
I nod wildly while still shrieking.
"Why three?!" I ask, still freaked out of my mind.
"False positives!" He screams back.
"Put a shirt on! We're going to the store!" I yell as tears begin to cascade down my face.
"Why are you crying?!" He tries to get the closest to me without actually touching me. His knees are bent, arms stretched out in front of him in my direction.
"I don't know!" I bury my sobbing face in my hands.
Hao spins me around and pushes me towards the bathroom.
I follow his lead and walk into my bathroom, grabbing a towel and wiping my face. Dread sets in as the possibility of my pregnancy begins to conquer my mind. I can't take care of a baby! I can barely take care of myself! What'll Ren say? What'll Onii-chan say? Shit, what will my dad say? I left Hokkaidō with his full support. He was so excited to see me go and become a successful person. He told me he was proud of me. And now? I don't know if I can face him right now.
Upon exiting the bathroom, I see Hao wearing one of my v-necks under one of my coats. He looks absurd in the tight-fitting clothes, but Hao's shitty sense of style is the least of my problems right now. He hands me a warm jacket and my car keys.
"I'm too freaked out to drive!" I throw my keys on the bed and startle the Shaman King.
"Okay, alright," Hao adopts a protective stance, keeping me at a distance, while trying to calm me down, "we'll walk the excess energy off." He hands me my purse.
"We're going to have to go to a store we don't go to often." I sniff as I make my way towards the door. "I don't want anyone recognizing me."
"The nearest store after the one on the next block over is 20 minutes away by foot." Hao frowns. "I'll go in for you. That way we don't have to walk for too long. It's cold outside." He opens the door for me. Once out, Hao locks the door behind us and I put on my jacket. Hao places his hand on my shoulder.
"It's right next to the Onsen, they'll recognize you. What if they ask Mari-" I don't get to finish my sentence.
"She doesn't like to go in there because the cashiers keep hitting on her; don't worry." He starts walking towards the stairs. I hesitate to follow him simply because I don't want to know my fate. When I woke up this morning, I was happy as a clam, now I'm stressed and I want to set something on fire. I'm not into arson; Hao must be rubbing off on me.
I begin my trek towards the stairs.
We say nothing on the way to the store.
The skies are grey and cloudy. The wind is cold and forceful. It all feels very Soviet.
Once there, I give Hao money and wait outside, trying not to fall to pieces. After a few minutes, Hao comes out with a plastic bag containing two boxes.
"They only had the two-packs, so I bought four total." Hao hands me the bag and my change. I stuff the change in my pockets unceremoniously. I would have told him to keep it, but this is one of the few times he's ever used money and I doubt he'll be in need of cash anytime soon.
"What if half come out positive and half negative?" I ask as I head back to my apartment, looking around to make sure no one from the Onsen can see us.
"Then, I guess you'll have to get a test at the doctor's office." The prospect of a doctor telling me I'm pregnant makes it seem more official and scares me to the core. Drugstore-pregnancy-test positive? Pregnancy. Doctor-pregnancy-test positive? Super Pregnancy. It sounds so adult. Aren't I supposed to be one? I'm not ready for any of this!
Hao senses my uneasiness playfully nudges me, "It's probably just a case of extreme PMS."
I look up at him with weary eyes.
"Yeah, you're right. With the amount of sex you have, the odds are against you." He tries to joke.
I laugh a little.
I want to die.
Back at my apartment, I make a beeline into the bathroom, throwing my jacket on the floor and my purse on my bed next to my abandoned car keys. I decide to start with two tests, if there's a disparity, I'll take the next two. I follow the directions on the box like a Good Noodle and wait for my doom. Each test takes 3 minutes to determine the result.
I exit the bathroom with two identical tests in my hand. I can't speak.
Hao already knows that I saw two plus signs from the hurricane siren that is playing inside my head. He comes to me and ushers me towards my bed.
I sit down with a heavy thud, mouth open.
Unbelievable.
Hao sits down next to me. He wraps his arm around me and holds me close.
I can feel my heart beating out a zamba.
"You're going to be okay." He tells me. "I know you. You're strong. No matter what happens, you're going to be okay." Before I can answer, his phone rings. I nod, letting him know that I don't mind if he answers.
The entire time he's on the phone, I can't help but feel how backwards this situation is.
Hao shouldn't be the first one to know apart from me, Ren should.
Hao shouldn't be the one to figure this out with me, Ren should.
Hao shouldn't be the one who's comforting me, Ren should.
Ren. My wonderful, caring Ren. Ren who is an ocean away. Ren who has his own life in China. Ren who already has a son. And an ex-wife. Stop it, Pirika, you're spiraling!
Hao hangs up the phone and hugs me.
I'm in shock.
He's never hugged me before. Actually, I've never seen him hug anyone before. Sure, he's held Hana and gives Opacho side-hugs every now and then, but this is new. It's a full embrace. Does Mari get these?
"Yes," Hao answers my question, "Mari has gotten a lot of these." He pulls back, with his hands on my shoulders. "She's about to get another one."
"Was that her on the phone?" I ask, not wanting to start to cry again.
"Yeah, she wants to talk." Hao looks down, I can tell he doesn't want to leave me alone. "Do you want me to stay?"
"I'll be fine." I shake my head. "You go. I was about to hop into the bath anyway."
"You have one fertile boyfriend." Hao gets up from my bed. "I'll be in to check on you tomorrow."
"Don't." I say without thinking. "If you start coming over more often, the others will get suspicious. I don't want anyone to know until I can tell Ren."
"I'll come check on you next week, then." Hao smiles at me. "That'll give you enough time to tell him. Be careful."
Careful.
Hao usually laughs whenever I trip over my own two feet. But, he caught me. He caught me when I was about to smash my head on the side of the table. He-
"You knew already, didn't you?" I ask him, looking down at my hands.
"Yes..." Hao pulls back a little.
"All those things you were saying before, about being hungry and irrational, that was all made up, wasn't it?" I look at him in the eye, "Not once have you stopped me from tripping over myself. Wait, did you make me angry on purpose?"
"I had to find a way for you to come to the realization by yourself while there was still time." Hao gets up from my bed.
"But, you were the one who brought it up!"
"Yeah, you were taking too long. And, while it's fun to fuck with you, I decided to help you along."
"Help me?! Why didn't you just tell me?!" I ask him, now angry.
"Would you have believed me?" Hao glances over at me.
I think it over. Hao is a notorious prankster. He's abrasive and likes starting drama when he's bored. Although Hao is the Shaman King, sometimes he seems more like a God of Chaos.
"No. No, I wouldn't have."
"I needed to convince you so you wouldn't think I was fucking with you."
"You could have been nicer about it." I throw a stuffed animal at him, which he dodges.
"Where's the fun in that?" Hao laughs.
Ass.
He makes his way towards my door. I wish him Good Luck for his talk with Mari. As he leaves, he turns around to look at me one last time before he closes the door behind him. He's still wearing my clothes.
Dazed, I start to do the math in my head. We've been sleeping together for approximately two months. Of those two months, we have had sex about thirty times on the weekends when he doesn't have to bring Men along. Realizing that I'm obsessing, I call my doctor's office and make an appointment to see her tomorrow morning.
I try to spend the rest of the day like I normally would. I do my homework assignments and clean my apartment a little. I try to distract myself by browsing the internet, but somehow I end up on a website dedicated to advice for expecting mothers. I shutdown my computer and decide to give myself a Time Out.
The phone rings.
Ren.
I pick up.
He's calling to ask me about my day and to thank me for another great weekend.
Great, yeah.
He hears that I'm not engaging like I usually do.
I deny that there's something bothering me. I excuse my lack of character by telling him that I've had a long day, I'm tired.
He tells me to get rest, that he loves me, and that he can't wait to see me again.
The though makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
I tell him that I love him and that I'll see him soon.
We hang up.
I feel bad for not telling him what's on my mind, but I don't want to say anything in case this is a false alarm. It's better this way, I convince myself.
Eventually, I fall asleep.
I have a restless night, waking up at random intervals in a panic. The stress is destroying my sanity. I try not to think about the big picture, telling myself that I'm not pregnant until the doctor can verify it. Denial is such a useful tool.
In the morning, I manage to drive myself to my doctor's appointment. I wait an eternal twelve minutes before I am called in to see her.
We discuss my "concerns".
She draws blood, makes me pee in a cup, and tells me that my results will be ready within the hour.
It doesn't take long for her to confirm that I am, indeed, pregnant. I don't cry, even though I want to.
The doctor performs an ultrasound with that unpleasantly cold gel and that Evil Wand. I get goosebumps on my arms and legs as the exam goes on. My chest is starting to feel tight.
Noticing my reaction, the doctor diverts my attention to the monitor next to her.
The fuzzy screen means nothing to me.
She points at a smudge of white amongst the black and white mess.
There.
Three weeks to five weeks, she tells me.
It looks like the embryo is three to five weeks old.
The embryo.
It can't be any bigger than a poppy seed at this point. How can something so small cause me so much uneasiness? How can something so abstract become something that will change my life forever?
I thank her and try not to notice her checking out the lack of ring on my finger.
I drive home, although I can't remember anything from the second I left the doctor's office. My mind is foggy with worry.
I crawl into my bed, terrified for the future.
Author's Note: I'm not even sorry. I rewrote this chapter about three times. Like I've mentioned before, this is a modified version of a fanfic I wanted to write before SK ended, but I had to change some things in order to keep up with the canon. The original fanfic dealt with the cast a little later in life, with their families. It was going to follow Ren and Pirika into parenthood. It was a lot happier than this one.
02.23.2020 Edit: Here, I cleaned up the chapter and revised it a little bit. Also, the extras for this chapter are up on my dreamwith account. Link's in my profile.
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Poketat: Thank you for you encouragement, always! I hope this chapter didn't disappoint. I'm sorry there wasn't much Ren for you to fangirl over in this chapter, but he'll be here soon. I always look forward to your comments :)