Chapter 9: Life Effect

Life happens at the speed of light. It feels like not three minutes ago that I was preparing my brother for the Shaman Fight. Eight years ago Tao Ren was my first lover. I spent those eight years acquiring 16 more, while still yearning for the first. Three months ago I saw Ren for the first time since he left me that morning. Three months ago we decided to start dating. Two-and-a-half months ago he told me that he loves me. And today, I sit here, pregnant with his baby.

I am only 21. He is only 22. We are both so young, and yet, this will be his second child. Will this news upset or delight him? Will he want to marry me like he did with Jeanne? Will this baby put a strain on our relationship? I'm sure it will, but how much? We have something beautiful and untarnished by outsiders, how badly will it be ruined? People will notice when I start to show. They'll be curious as to who the father is. Sure, everyone knows that I like to get it on. It's no secret that I have a long list of lovers dating back to my adolescence. Something like this was bound to happen at some point because birth control isn't always effective and I can't beat those odds.

I am not ashamed.

What they don't know is that I've been getting it on with Ren. For the past three months. The news will not sit well, I'm afraid.

They'll be offended we didn't trust them with this from the start. They'll feel like we only told them because there's a baby on the way. Hold on, am I even keeping it? It? Them? The baby. My baby. Ren's baby. Our baby.

Oh, no. I STILL HAVE TO TELL HIM.

How do I tell him? It's not like I can just call him in China and tell him that he's having another baby. This isn't something you tell someone over the phone. Video chat? No, that's still too impersonal. And a little weird. I cannot believe that it's the Year of Our Lord 2008 and there is still no proper way to tell your overseas significant other that you're pregnant. I'm gonna have to wait until he gets back. Yeah, it's for the best. He'll only be gone a week-or-so more. I just have to keep cool until then.

I look at the clock. 11:13AM on October 14, a Tuesday. Mark the time, Pirika. What a random assortment of everythings. My classes don't start for another two hours, I don't know whether to shower or sit on my couch and watch T.V..

It just hit me, I'm going to be pregnant during the school term. I'm going to give birth during the school year. Not only that, I'll only be two months into my first term as a college third-year. How am I supposed to handle having a baby, a long-distance relationship, and school at the same time?!

But wait, Pirika! Are you sure this relationship will continue to be long-distance?! What if he wants me to move to China?

No! School comes first; getting my degree to help my family comes first.

But, I'm going to be starting my new family. What if his family, which is lovely, wants me to move over there because they'll be damned if another of Ren's kids lives far away from them?

Oh, child, what have you gotten yourself into?

I get off my bed only to crawl back in again, safely under the covers. I wait for the world to pass by me, above my Blanket Cave. I peek out from under the covers to take a look at the clock, 11:19. Only six minutes passed, yet it felt like an hour. Is this what it feels like to be on death row? Just waiting and waiting until you meet your imminent doom?

I snap out of my melodrama at the sound of my phone ringing. The caller I.D. ruins the surprise and my stomach juggles volcanoes.

"Hey you." I manage to sound cheery and refreshed.

"Hi, love." Ren's voice sounds warm and caring even through the mild static.

"What's up?" I keep the peppy voice going to mask my forthcoming mental breakdown.

"I'm getting ready to go to a lunch meeting with a possible investor, so I thought I'd give you a call." He sounds like he's handling papers absentmindedly.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" I offer excitedly, trying not to overdo it. Please, please, please tell me this investor does something in the agricultural field, so I can talk about this for 10 minutes and not awkwardly dance around the subject of how I'm doing.

"No. I've done my homework; I'll be fine."

FUCK.

"You sound like you're in a good mood right now," Ren adds. "What are you doing?"

"I'm getting ready for school." And trying not to set myself on fire.

"So, you're in your pajamas?" The boy knows me. Normally, I would be in my pj's. But I had a very interesting doctor's appointment earlier today...

"Nope!" I answer proudly. I hear him chuckle. What a beautiful sound.

"What are you wearing?" His voice lowers in volume and enters a suggestive tone.

"Ren…" I whine. Not now, please, the last thing I feel right now is sexy.

"I bet you're not wearing pants." I can hear him smile.

"I'm not." I roll my eyes so hard he can hear it in my voice.

"What's with the change of tone? Are you doing alright?"

"I had a weird day yesterday. I've just got a lot on my mind right now," these words are true, "You know, with school and stuff." I leave out the part of being knocked up, summing up its effects on my mood with "and stuff".

"In that case, I'll leave you to so you can prepare for your day." He sounds resolute. "Pirika?"

"Yes?" I get nervous.

"Whenever you're ready to tell me what's bothering you, you call me."

I bow my head in shame. "We'll talk about it when I see you next." I have a feeling we're gonna do a lot of talking.

"So, it's not urgent?"

"It can wait. You do your thing. I'll be fine."

"I come back on Friday the 24th. Are you sure you can wait until then?"

"Yes, love. Don't you worry about me. I can handle it."

"Alright, then. Have a good day in school. Learn."

"Thank you. Do well in your meeting. Blow that investor out of the water."

"You know I aim to do nothing less."

"I love you."

"I love you, too. Bye, love."

"Bye." I clicked the END button before giving him a chance to either reopen the conversation or hang up on me first.

I move to my fridge and open the door, hungry but not feeling anything that I have in there. It all looks unappetizing and there's a high chance I'll throw it up, anyway. I settle for leftover miso and toast accompanied by ginger ale. Breakfast of champions. I eat slowly, trying to not make myself sick in the process. Almost all the pregnancies I've seen involve morning sickness in some way and I want to avoid it as much as possible. I'm not looking forward to the day where everything nauseates me.

What a drag.

I shower after breakfast. I can't wash off the feeling that I lied to Ren by not telling him the truth earlier. A Lie of Omission. It doesn't make me feel dirty, just unclean.

I can't tell anyone until I tell Ren. I already feel terrible that Hao knows before Ren does. How will it sound to Ren that Hao was there the second I found out I'm pregnant? It seems unfair to me. Not even Horo can know. This is going to be difficult and lonely.

Sometimes Hao will sit in the Great Spirit for weeks on end, not bothering to visit anyone for any reason. I hope that this is one of those times. The less he interacts with people, the less of a chance the beans will be spilled. Please, please, please stay in the Great Spirit.

Please.

I get dressed in the skinny jeans I know I won't fit into soon and a tight t-shirt. My faux-varsity jacket is the only garment that isn't form fitting. The word KILLJOY is proudly displayed on my back in block letters. I look at myself in the full-length mirror by my bed. I don't look like a pregnant woman. Actually, I look pretty damn good. I'd fuck me. I guess that's how I got myself into this mess in the first place, being too damn sexy.

Since I have some time before school, I decide to visit Onii-chan and Tamao for a little while. I've been visiting them during the weekdays as much as possible, so they don't feel like I've been avoiding them on the weekends. Full well knowing that Hao might be there, I prepare a speech in case the cat is let out of the bag. How discretion is key until I tell the father. How I would appreciate all judgement to be set aside. How I need support. I realize, I'm scared. What if I have to do this alone? What if I can't?

I can't.

Part of me wants to see Hao, to be in the presence of someone else who knows my Big Secret, but I just want to pretend it's not happening. Even after I tell Ren, I don't want to tell anyone until the first trimester is over, just to be safe. By then, I'll be well on my way to start showing. I wonder if I'll gain a lot of weight. I've always been petite, so a pregnancy is going to change my body in so many ways. I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

I walk down my block with a spring in my step. Suddenly, I feel like singing and skipping and dancing to the onsen. Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I can't look or feel amazing. Before I know it, I make my way to my brother's workplace looking like I'm in a musical, loudly humming the happy tune in my head.

I make my way into the garden where I find my brother picking crops.

"Onii-chan!" I call to him. He looks up at me and smiles, sweat beading on his forehead.

"Pirika, you look happy today!" He takes a swig of water from his bottle, "I got news for you."

That makes two of us, brother.

"Tamao and I have found an apartment for once we get married." He announces with a lot of pride.

"That's great, Onii-chan. Where is it?"

"Actually, it's in your apartment complex." He grins with great excitement.

This may be a problem.

"Congratulations, Onii-chan. Will you be buying or renting?" I ask to not show my disappointment. It's not that I dislike my brother, Tamao is my dear friend, but I just like having that corner of the world to myself. I like having my own place where I can escape and not have to worry about running into someone I know and explaining myself. That little bit of anonymity goes a long way for this Pirika.

I like being That Cute Girl in 309. That Cute Girl in 309 got game. That Cute Girl in 309 makes all the boys turn their heads as she passes them in the hall. That Cute Girl in 309 makes all the moms wish they were young and adventurous again. I can't be That Cute Girl in 309 if my brother lives there. So much for 'Hey did you hear That Cute Girl in 309 had a baby? Man, I missed my chance!'. Now it'll be more like, '309 got knocked up so her brother had to move into the building to help her out. How sad.'

Lame.

"We're renting with option to buy." My brother looks so calm. I feel bad for making this about me. The least I can do is be supportive.

"That's great news Onii-chan," I hug him. "What apartment will you be moving into?"

"501." He hugs me back. "You look good today. There's something about you that's just different - in a good way." I can feel my blood sugar lower. Please, don't say anything about a glow.

"Pirika!" Tamao calls me and rushes towards us, "Have you heard the good news?"

"I just told her." My brother squeezes his fiancée's hand.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Tamao's smile is warm and genuine.

I feel worse for being so selfish.

"It's the best news I've heard today." I reply sincerely.

"We have to start buying furniture!" Tamao looks at my brother as to warn him about dip in their savings pretty soon. Onii-chan nods reluctantly and goes back to picking crops. Tamao offers me some tea, which I decline. I tell them I want to get to school early so I can study in the library. My brother praises me for being so studious. The truth is that I can't bear to be around them right now. I feel like I'm betraying my brother and my best friend by concealing what I've been doing the past three months. What a mess.

What a mess.

I make my way to school on foot, taking in the busy city around me. I see people biking to where they need to be. I see businessmen smoking and laughing through a restaurant window. There are some mothers and children playing in a nearby park. To think that'll be me soon. Just another face on the playground. Another mom watching her child try to climb the equipment and get worried when their kid falls off the monkey bars. I'll be the mom waiting for my little one at the foot of the slide.

I'll be a mom.

The seriousness of the situation slaps me in the face like a hot iron. My stomach is ablaze and my knees weaken. With shaking hands, I take out my cellphone. I begin to look for Ren's name in my contacts. I need to tell him. I need to come clean. The knot in my throat tightens to the point where I can't breathe. I put my phone away and keep walking. This is going to be a long week.

I sit through my classes without paying much attention. I take notes, but I have no idea what I'm writing down. My handwriting, usually very neat, is almost illegible. I hope nothing that I was taught today has much weight on the final exams. I know I'll be able to catch up once I'm out of this funk, so I'm not worried. I hope this lull in my attention span doesn't last long. Failing my classes is not an option.

After school, feeling a new wave of guilt and self-hatred, I decide to go back to the onsen. I want to tell Horohoro and Tamao. Maybe even tell Yoh and Anna. Hell, at this point, I'll tell Ryū and the Hanagumi, or maybe just fly to China to get this over with. I'm sick of secrets and lies. I don't want to hold it in anymore. The Bubble was stupid and so am I for avoiding my friends for so long! They deserve to know.

Determined to at least tell them the truth about Ren and me dating, I walk into the onsen with my head held high only to immediately chicken out at the sight of Hao having drinks with my brother in the TV room where Anna used to watch her soaps. Damn it. Isn't he supposed to be in the Great Spirit or something? Why is he always hanging out in a crummy onsen with a bunch of people he's let down instead of doing whatever the fuck he's supposed to do as Shaman King?

Hao's eyebrows arch.

Shit, I think he heard me.

Hao nods in my direction.

Sorry, dude.

"Yo." I make my presence to the room known.

"Hey, Pirika!" Onii-chan looks up happily at me. "Tamao and I have settled on a wedding date!"

"That's great news, Horo!" I move some of Hana's toys out of the way before seating myself next to my brother. "When's the big day?"

"May 30th!" Tamao happily interjects from the next room, coming in to sit next to me. Oh, great. I'll be ready to pop by then. "It's a Friday."

Not knowing how to respond, I smile and desperately wish someone would change the subject. I don't know how to speak Wedding. What's the proper response for something like this? How much excitement should I show? Just tell me what to wear, where to be, and when. Nothing gets me less excited than a wedding. I better get used to Wedding Talk 24/7 since May is coming up sooner than it seems. The panic begins to tighten my chest. I have so little time to get my life together enough to start raising a child. This is step one.

"So, to what do we owe my darling sister to come see us twice in one day?" Horo offers me a freshly-opened beer. "Here, have a drink."

"Oh, I -" before I could refuse, Hao takes the beer from Onii-chan's hand and chugs it. We all stare at Hao in confusion.

"I wanted another one." He says as an excuse.

"You have half a bottle left." Onii-chan lazily points at the perspiring brown bottle in front of Hao.

"It got warm." Hao lies, hoping that no one would notice the condensation beads on the label.

"Right…" Onii-chan turns back to me, dismissing what we had all just witnessed. "Anyway, you okay?"

This is your chance, Pirika! Go for it! Come clean and release your soul from this anxiety!

"Oh, hey, Pirika. I didn't know you were here." Macchi greets me with the rest of the Hanagumi waitresses in toe.

I have to get this off my chest before the audience grows!

"Yeah, I just came by to -" I am interrupted.

"Sweet jacket!" Kanna comes over to check me out with a sharp whistle. She takes a long drag of her cigarette and exhales it right in my face. I want to puke.

Hao nearly has a stroke.

"Kanna! No smoking inside!" Hao gets up from his spot to yank the lit cigarette out of Kanna's mouth. Attention is, once again, fixated on Hao. "You know the rules." He tries to play it cool.

"What's with you? Since when did you start caring about breaking rules?" Kanna growls at Hao.

"I don't have to explain myself to you." Hao puts the cigarette out between his fingertips while keeping eye contact with me and sits back down. I don't care that you're the Shaman King and your companion is the Spirit of Fire, that must have burned. He straight up did that to show off and exert authority. His stunt worked; Kanna said nothing else about the incident and continued to ask me about my jacket. After she was satisfied, she left to go smoke outside, taking Macchi with her. They eye Hao suspiciously before sliding the door behind them.

"Weird interruptions aside," My brother resumes what he's been trying to get at for ten minutes, "you were saying something earlier. You had some news, I think." This is what I love about Horohoro, he remembers the little things. He shares your concern, your excitement, your pain. I can breathe easy around him.

"I was just…" hesitating, I look at Hao, sitting behind my brother, for support.

Hao is rapidly, but subtly, shaking his head No.

"What I came here to say -"

Hao vigorously shakes his head and furrows his brow. Neither Mari nor Tamao notice him, since their attention is on me.

Shit, I can't do this.

I want to, but I need to tell Ren first. Back to square one. I hate to admit it, but Hao's right. You win.

Hao gives me a goofy smile at that last thought.

"I don't want to go back to my apartment." I end up saying. It isn't a lie, but it's not the truth I was here to divulge.

"Is something wrong?" Tamao places her hand on mine in concern. "Was there a break-in?"

"No, the building's fine." I reassure Tamao.

"Do you not feel safe there?" Onii-chan looks at me with sobering worry.

The guilt swirls in my stomach.

"It's not that…" I look down at my hands. I can feel small tears forming in my eyes. Shit. Not now. "I…"

"What is it, Pirika?" Onii-chan looks at Tamao with raised eyebrows.

"I'm lonely!" I burst out, not expecting myself to say that. Smooth, child. That's not pathetic at all.

"Oh, sweetie," Tamao hugs me close, "do you want to sleep over?" Leave it to Tamao to be the Mom Friend about this. Sometimes I forget she's younger than me. She's incredible.

"Or we can go sleep over at you place." My brother's face softens. He tousles my bangs with his fingers playfully. "You didn't have to be so shy. You know we love spending time with you." His words only agitate my guilt. I can't stop feeling that I'm hurting them.

"Why don't you stay here for tonight?" Tamao offers, brushing my fringe into place with her fingers. Her touch is gentle and soothing. This is what I need, a friend.

"It's not a bother." Onii-chan assures me. "You can sleep between Tamao and me." I laugh. He smiles. "You hungry?"

"Not particularly." I lie. Truth is, I'm starving, but I haven't thrown up from food and I don't want to start today in front of the people who have agreed to house my lonely ass for the night.

"I'll tell Ryū to make you something." Tamao goes off to the kitchen, handing me off to my brother. Horo holds me close. I haven't been hugged with this kind of frequency by this many people in my life. It feels good. I feel like I'm actually a part of them, not just the little sister who tags along. I feel like I'm home.

Home.

Ryū gets excited to hear that I'll be spending the night. He makes a quick dinner for everyone, insisting that we all eat together. Neither Yoh nor Anna mind that I'll be occupying space in their onsen. In classic Anna fashion, she tries to charge me. Yoh dismisses her comment, reminding her that they don't charge family. Family. Wow.

After dinner, Hao takes me aside to tell me that Horohoro is worried for me. He convinces me not to spill the beans just yet. We decide to do it with Ren involved. If this baby is happening, better tell your family once you know if the father will be present and active, I conclude. That way, my poor brother won't worry about me having adequate support if Ren decides to stay in the picture. Hao lets me know that he'll be staying with Mari, now that they've made up, for the rest of the week. I'm glad that they've made up. It also makes me happy to know that Hao's got my back, even at the risk of looking like a complete asshole as was exemplified tonight.

Man, my friends are great.

Tamao lends me some pajamas and gifts me a toothbrush ("We'll keep this here with ours, so you can sleepover whenever you want."). I get an oversized t-shirt she wears to lounge about, Horo's old boxers and the most comfortable outerwear: the FARM BOI hoodie. I snuggle between my brother and my best friend, warm from their love.

I think about my future as I drift to sleep. If I decide to keep the baby, I know I'll be fine. Knowing Ren, he'll give me plenty of support, emotional or financial, preferably both. He is a man of both substance and flash. All I ask is that he respect my decision, whatever it may be. Even if things fizzle out between us after the kid comes, I know I'll be okay. I'm sandwiched between two people who didn't think twice about helping me out. I asked for help, they gave it to me no questions asked. I'm in a house surrounded by people who care about my wellbeing. Hey, Pirika's kind of depressed. Needn't worry! There's about 8 willing and able people in her immediate vicinity who will love and validate the shit out of her.

I'll be okay.

I'm going to be just fine.

Author's Note: 02.23.2020 - I went back through and fixed some errors.