Chapter 10: Coming Clean
I open my eyes only to greet the white tiles of cool my bathroom floor. What happened? I look down to inspect the damage. Blood. There's blood across my lap. Seeing as there is no one else here, I assume it's mine. Where is it coming from?
I begin to pat my body for signs of an open wound. I get nothing. It seems I wasn't knifed or shot. The bleeding has to come from somewhere - fuck, fuck, FUCK! I slowly lift the elastic waistband of my sweatpants and hesitantly lower my hand into my pants. I spread my legs just enough for my hand to cup my crotch. The sensation I feel is unreal - my hand touched cold, then hot liquid just as my uterus felt like it was being blown up. A sharp, searing pain impales my lower abdomen. I can't catch my breath and the pain is making it difficult for me to get up. I need help.
My phone! I reach around for my cell phone, which is usually in my pocket. Shit, it's charging on my dresser.
Another wave of pain hits me and I can feel more blood gush out of me. I can feel myself fading as my vision becomes hazy. Shit, this hurts like a knife wound. My body feels heavy.
I hear my door open. Salvation!
"Hey, Pirika! Look at this new cat that started following me today; she's so fat and… Pirika?" I can hear Hao's voice in my kitchen. Suddenly, I am very relieved that I gave him that spare key.
I'm too weak to yell, so I concentrate my energy into thinking loud enough for Hao to hear me. BATHROOM. HELP. HURRY. He runs into my bathroom, knocking the door off of one of its hinges.
The second he looks down at me, he turns pale. You know it's worse than you think when a mass murderer gets scared for you.
"What happened?!" He comes to my side to assess the damage. The expression on his face does not inspire confidence. All I could do was look at him while taking short, shallow breaths as he read my mind. I woke up like this. I don't know. Pain.
"My phone…" it was hard to talk, luckily I didn't have to say the rest out loud. In a flash, Hao left and came back with my cellphone.
"I'm calling your brother. He'll be faster than an ambulance." Hao dialed the phone and waited for Horohoro to pick up, his free hand brushing the loose strands of hair from my sweaty face. "Hey, Horohoro...calm down, there's a reason I'm calling you from her phone. I'm here at her apartment and she needs to go to a hospital... I'm not really sure what happened, but she's bleeding and it doesn't look good so get your fiancée, hop in the car, and get here NOW!" Hao hangs up the phone and puts it down on the counter.
I start to cry. What's wrong with me? I can feel my cold tears roll down my face onto the tiles below.
"I don't know, but we'll figure it out." Hao grabbes a towel and puts it under my head. "Pirika, the baby…"
"Do… you… think…?" I manage to ask in between breaths, my voice getting strained and high pitched at the end.
"This isn't my areas of expertise, but, Pirika, I'm pretty sure this isn't good... I- I think you... miscarried." Hao struggles to put the last sentence together. The Shaman King looks at me with genuine pity in his eyes, something I have never seen before and never want to again.
I'm overwhelmed; I cry more. I can feel myself losing more blood. I'm dizzy.
"I am very sorry." He wipes my tears with a hand towel. "I have to keep you conscious, so you're going to have to talk to me, okay? No mind reading."
"Why...are you dressed… in fancy civvies?" Breathing is starting to get harder. I can feel my lower abdomen pulsating.
"Opacho had an event at school. Mari and I went to support her. Yoh and Anna went, too." An amusing image appeared in my head: four kids in their early twenties as the representative guardians/ parents of a middle-schooler, all with long hair. They must have been the youngest adults there and not a pair of scissors between them. "Yoh lent me one of his ties."
"I didn't know he owned one." I tried to make a joke, hoping it would distract me from the feeling like a trainwreck.
"Yeah, it's shocking." He doesn't play along very well, turning his head towards the broken door.
"Where's Mari?"
"Back at the Onsen." As always, he's lousy at making conversation.
"Why did you come?" Come on Hao, you're supposed to be keeping me awake here.
"Oh! A new cat started following me and I thought you'd like her. There's a cat on your bed, by the way."
"Is she cute?" I want to play with the kitty.
"And kinda fat." He smiles at me. His smile comforts me despite the constricting pain in my lower abdomen.
"Ren's on his plane…" I look up at Hao, "can you text him to come to the hospital?"
"I'll take care of it." He gets up to find the phone on my bathroom counter. "I'm going to open the door for your brother, okay? I'll be back. Hang in there." Hao can probably hear Horo's mind from a mile away.
The second he leaves me, feelings of helplessness and desperation set in. Moments from now, my brother is going to walk in and find his sister sprawled on the bathroom floor, with one hand in her pants, crying and bleeding. Way to go, Pirika.
"Where is she?!" I can hear my brother yell while running into my apartment.
"In the bathroom."
"I swear, if this has anything to do with you -"
"Horo!" I cry in an effort to stop him from antagonizing Hao and reach me sooner.
"Pirika!" He flies into my bathroom. "What happened?!" He kneels next to me, his hands hover over my body, afraid to touch me. I take my hand from out of my sweatpants. It is now covered in dark, red, glossy blood. I show him.
"I… hospital…" Without hesitation, he picks me up in his arms and begins to carry me to the car. I expected his arms to shake at one point, but he held me with so much conviction, that I could feel his muscles flex.
"Tamao left the engine on. Don't worry. We'll figure this out." He reassures me as I dig my bloody fingers into his chest.
"I'll stay here." I hear Hao say as Onii-chan carries me out the door. He is careful when taking me down the steps and had the backdoor of his car already open. In one swift move, we got into the backseat. Tamao took off like Speed Racer.
"What happened?!" Tamao looks at us in the rearview mirror with concern.
"I'd like to know, too." Onii-chan looks down at me, accusing me of hiding something, yet worried sick; another facial expression I never want to see again.
"I…" tears fall from my eyes at a quicker pace, "I think I... m-miscarried." My voice is barely audible.
My brother's eyes went wide, his jaw dropped. A mixture of emotions displayed on his face: anger, confusion, sorrow, and pity. He looked like he was about to cry. Before he could say anything, Tamao spoke,
"I don't think this is just a miscarriage; there's too much blood..." She ran a red light. I appreciate Tamao's ability to focus on the problem at hand, rather than getting bogged down in the small details.
"W-who's… who's the- the fa-father?" Onii-chan's face was serious as the surreal question escaped his lips. His eyes were looking directly into mine, as if trying to extract the information via hypnotism.
"...Ren…." I admit, my eyes stinging from the river of tears.
"You owe me money!" Tamao looks at Horo through the rearview mirror. I chuckle, but it comes with a price. More blood. Onii-chan notices.
"We're almost there, Pirika. Don't worry." His grip on me tightens.
"Money?" There was a bet?
"I bet your brother that you and Ren had something going on." Tamao replies, taking a sharp turn which nearly tips the car over. Reckless driving 101.
"I just never thought it was this serious…" My brother couldn't look me in the eyes as he spoke. His gaze was fixated on my abdomen.
The car ride was faster than any rollercoaster I had ever been on. In a matter of minutes, we arrived at the hospital. Tamao leeps from the driver's seat to go get an E.R. doctor. When they extracted me from the car and put me on the gurney, the doctor confirmes Tamao's hunch,
"Too much blood. We've got an ectopic! Call surgery and tell them to prep an O.R." She commands a group of people. One nurse rushes to my side and helps bring me in the hospital. I see another nurse get on the phone. Onii-chan and Tamao keep pace with the doctor wheeling me into an elevator. All the while, a nurse asks my Coherent Squad my personal details. One question, only I could answer.
"How far along are you?" The doctor asks me.
"A month." I tell her, sullen. Onii-chan looks hurt, betrayed. Tamao just pats my arm. Just two days ago I was sleeping between the couple and I said nothing. They have a right to feel hurt.
The elevator dings and I am rushed into an operating room without my brother and without my friend. I am alone with strangers with sharp objects in a cold room. Monitors beep. Needles and tubes are inserted into my veins and a man in a mask approaches me. He tells me his name and tells me to count backwards from ten. I don't make it to nine.
I'm so cold. My body feels heavy. I'm trembling slightly. I'm so tired, but my body tells me to open my stinging eyes.
Ren. Sleeping besides me is my boyfriend. His head is on the mattress but the rest of his body is on the chair. Chair? I don't own that chair. Wait - this isn't my bed or my room. Where am - Oh. Today's events rush back to me in hard-to-digest chunks. Shit.
Monitors beep in the otherwise silent room. I look around to find that this is a private room with balloons tied to a teddy bear sitting on a lonely chair in the corner.
My hand pats Ren's head and he immediately wakes. He slowly adjust himself on the bed, he leans on the thin mattress with his elbows.
"Hey…" I put my hand on his cheek and stroke it softly.
"Hey," His voice is raspy, kissing the palm of my hand and placing his over it, "I got you a teddy bear and some balloons."
"Thank you."
"How do you feel?"
"Thirsty." Ren finds the plastic cup and places the straw into my mouth. I take a few sips of the lukewarm water.
"Better?"
"Like I lost a knife fight in a snowstorm."
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" His voice, while stern, is filled with concern. I don't want to get into this right now - I just woke up. I don't even know what happened to me, exactly. At this point, it's obvious he knows about the baby.
"I was going to tell you today. I was waiting to tell you in person." I can barely speak, my words sound like desperate lies. My mouth feels dry again.
"Right." Ren's tone isn't very nice.
"Ren, I'm sorry." I shouldn't have to be apologizing, especially right now. I'm indignant.
"Do you know what it's like to get off a plane and see a text message from your girlfriend's phone that says 'Get to Ntt Higashinihon Kanto Hospital ASAP'. You text back to ask what's going on? Who's in the hospital? You get a text back that only says your girlfriend's name. You want to text or call back for answers, but that'll only make your anxiety worse and when you finally get to the hospital you're the only one who didn't know you were having a baby."
"I wanted to tell you in person!" I'm exasperated and tired. If a nurse were in here, they'd be beating him with hospital slippers. How dare he interrogate me right now.
"A month, Pirika. You were sitting on this for a month." His voice stayed calm and low, but I still want to cry.
A knock on the door interrupts the would-be fight. Horohoro walks through like he owns the place, "Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do." He demands answers in a terrible Puerto Rican accent and points at me with his index finger before pointing at Ren angrily.
"Where's Tamao?" I ask as he picks up the chair with the bear, brings it to the opposite side of the bed from where Ren is sitting.
"She's on her way back from getting us some clean clothes. Start talking." Onii-chan points at Ren once more, "You don't get to talk."
"I want to be informed as much as you do." Ren adjusts his tie.
"I said no talking." Horo's index finger shakes.
I take a deep breath before I start to speak, "Ren and I have been seeing each other for about three months. We planned to tell you soon, once we knew for sure whether or not this would work. We didn't want you to freak out. I found out I was pregnant on Monday. I wanted to tell Ren first - in person - since he's the father, but those plans went down the drain when it turned out that the fertilized egg implanted itself in my fallopian tube and almost blew up my reproductive system. I didn't plan for anything to happen the way it did, and yet here we are." I try my damn best to not break down and ugly sob then and there.
"The phone call?" Ren asks me. I could tell his anger dissipated. His eyes are kinder, his voice is gentler.
"Yes, I had just found." I look over at him. Ren sighs.
"What?" Onii-chan looks confused.
"When I found out I was… pregnant..." my voice chokes. Ren held my hand and Onii-chan strokes my arm, "Ren called me and I told him I would tell him what was bothering me when he came back. I was supposed to tell him today."
The door opens without warning, introducing Tamao and a doctor into the room. She introduces herself as my surgeon and told me that it had gone as well as it could. I obviously lost the baby. My lack of surprise doesn't seem to phase her. She checks my vitals and asks me a few questions before she leaves the room.
"I got you a shirt." Tamao put her hand on my brother's shoulder. She reaches into her duffel bag and hands him a striped long-sleeve. "It'll keep you warm."
"Thank you, dear." Onii-chan takes off his bloodied t-shirt to change. He doesn't even leave the chair.
"And I got you," Tamao looks at me happily, "the stretchiest sweatpants I could find at your place, the baggiest shirt I could find, and your favorite Horohoro hoodie. You'll leave here nice n' comfy."
"You brought FARM BOI hoodie?!" I ask excitedly.
"That's the one!" Tamao looks pleased. "Did you know Hao can clean?"
"Yeah, he does that when he feels useless. He cooks, too." I answer her nonchalantly.
"He cleaned your bathroom, washed your sheets, and he was fixing your bathroom door when I left. He sends his regards."
"What happened to your bathroom door?" asks Ren, who seems taken aback with all the new information.
"Hao broke it down to get to me."
"When?"
"Earlier today. I passed out in the bathroom and he came over to show me a cat -"
"Oh, there are also roughly ten cats in your apartment." Tamao cuts me off.
"There was only one when I left." I imagine my apartment crawling with cats while Hao fixes my bathroom door. Cute.
"Your door?" Ren wants answers.
"He was the one to find me. I was in the bathroom at the time and he had to break the door down to get to me."
"But your front door was fine?"
"Yes, it was only the bathroom door that got fucked."
"So he was there when you passed out?"
"No, he came in after I came to."
"How did he get in your apartment?"
"He has a key."
"Why does he have a key?" Both Onii-chan and Ren ask at the same time with alarm in their voices.
"I made him a copy." The three people in the room, the three people dearest to me, look at me like I was a rainbow dragon hanging a tapestry in the sky. "He would have just found a new way to break in, anyway." I fail to see why they're making a big deal about this, but I'm still amused.
"The fact that you had to resort to making him a copy because he was frequently breaking in is troubling." Ren could not believe what he was hearing.
"He says he'll take care of your place until you're discharged. You'll go back to a clean and warm home. Speaking of safe and warm, this is quite the arrangement you got here." Tamao informs me.
"Yeah," I turn to my brother, "Horo, this is too much." I feel bad for being in a single room. The view is lovely; I can see the city lights in the dark and judging from how much I see, we're pretty high up.
"I'll take care of it." Ren chimes in, his tone serious and not to be questioned.
"Ren, I can't poss-"
"I arranged it and I'll take care of it." Alright, there that is.
"Thank you." I quit making a fuss. I know it's important to him that he do this. How devastating can it be to find out that your girlfriend almost died because of an unborn baby you didn't know you were having? Doing something like this makes him feel like he has some sort of control over the situation.
A wave of emotions hits me like a glass house being stoned by an angry mob. My hands start to tremble and my eyes start to water. In an instant, I am sobbing - loud, ugly, and uncontrollable. The tears cascading down my face make my eyes sting, quckly dampening the hospital gown. I can feel the three people surrounding me tense up as they try to comfort me. I can't hear what they're saying over my cries. I gulp for air as my nostrils quit working. I can't seem to find the strength to keep upright, so I slowly collapse into my knees.
Tissues are being shoved in my direction. I feel two pairs of hands patting and gently caressing my back in an attempt to provide some sort of comfort. A third and finds its way into my hair, massaging my scalp. I don't want to be touched right now, but I don't want to scare them off. I want them there with me, but I want to be left alone. I keep hugging my thighs and crying into the blankets.
I manage to calm myself down after a few hellish minutes of not being able to distinguish what I feel. "I'm sorry." my voice sounds muffled as I speak into my blankets. I straighten up slowly, Ren and Onii-chan prop me up gently. Tamao wipes my tears away with a tissue. Bless you, Tamao. "I'm sorry." I say again, this time loud enough for them to hear me.
"Hey, it's okay." Onii-chan is the first to try and calm me.
"I don't know what came over me." I'm a little ashamed, but I was pregnant up until a few hours ago. I think I deserve to cry.
"A lot's happened. Your body probably doesn't even realize what it went through. I think your hormones are going to be a mess for a while." Onii-chan strokes my arm.
"I shouldn't have been so demanding earlier. I lost my temper. Forgive me." Ren looks at me apologetically. He stretches his hand out for me to take. I put my hand in his and give it a soft squeeze. He smiles a little.
"He's right. We should have let you tell us when you were ready. I'm sorry for rushing you." Onii-chan tries to smile at me, but I know he's kicking himself. Tamao places her hand on his shoulder.
"I'm feeling overwhelmed." I begin to explain, "I don't know how to react to this - I mean, I was … pregnant ... " my voice trails off at a horrid realization, "Horo, you can't tell papa!" I plead, voice cracking.
"I'm not gonna tell the old man." He reassures me. "You tell him when you're ready."
"Do I have to?" I wince at the thought of my father being disappointed in me. Up until this point, he had no reason to not brag about me.
"Pirika, you had surgery. I'm pretty sure he deserves to know." I'm scolded by my older brother. "Besides, these things happen. Why, we've got to Happy Accidents running around already. There's nothing to be ashamed of." Onii-chan stops abruptly and stares at Ren. "Which reminds me, have you not heard of contraceptives?"
Ren blushes and looks away.
"I'm serious! There are these wonderful inventions that prevent these types of situations from happening." Horo's tone is wonderfully sarcastic.
"Look, sometimes these things just happen." Ren tries to defend himself.
"Listen, I know sometimes contraception fails, but if it's happened to you once, I assume you would have taken necessary preventions from it happening again." Onii-chan's face is far from amused. He blames Ren for what I had to go through. He's just trying to defend his little sister.
"Like you said, sometimes contraception fails." Ren snaps back. The tension between them, while hilarious, is draining. Tamao senses my distress.
"How about we give Pirika some time to rest?" She suggests in the sweetest manner.
"I don't want to leave." Onii-chan crosses his arms.
"Oh, I don't think you have a choice." Tamao looks at my brother, who goes pale for a second before getting up, kissing me on the forehead, and exiting my hospital room.
"You, too" Tamao directs these words at Ren. Begrudgingly, he rises from his chair after he squeezes my hand. Ren leaves the room quietly.
"Thank you, Tamao." I smile at my soon-to-be sister-in-law.
"Are you okay?" She begins wipe my hair from my damp face. I can feel myself glisten in the most disgusting way.
"I don't know how to deal with this." My bottom lip quivers along with my voice. "What do I do?"
"You let it go." She looks at me with her wise, pink eyes, "You accept the loss and move on."
"I didn't even know how to feel about being - being pregnant." I toss my head back into the plastic-coated hospital pillow.
"You don't have to." Tamao takes my clammy hand in her warm, soft one. "It's okay. You're going to be just fine." I cry again. "We're here for you. All of us. Anything we can do, we'll do it. Okay?" I cry harder. Her grip on my hand tightens. "It's okay. Let it out." I don't know how much time I spent crying, but it must have been a while. Exhausted, I fell asleep to the sound of her humming.
I wake up because I feel my body shift to the left. When my eyes open, I see Ren's legs next to mine on top of the sheets. His shoes are off. He kisses my temple. I put my hand on his lap for him to hold. He kisses it, too, before wrapping his arm around me, pulling us closer. I can smell his cologne. He can smell my sweat. We don't say anything as we lie there. His warmth comforts my body. The monitors beep. Something sounds like it's hissing. There are now flowers on the table next to me. I can hear his deep breaths. This is the closest to peaceful I've been all week.
Authors' Note
Ah, I'm a day late but my internet went out last night, so w/e. I'm taking a hiatus after this chapter because of school. I probably won't be updating until December. I realize that some of my readers weren't able to find me because of the rating change from T to M. If you read this during my absence, please do me a favor by reviewing. I have an idea of where I'd like this to go, but I'm interested in what direction you expect/ want this to go.
Until next time,
otakuspirit