Chapter 11: Normal-ish
"There she is!" I hear an excited voice as my brother opens the door to my apartment, going inside first with my bags of Get Well Soon crap from the hospital gift shop given to me by my dear friends. He sets down the gifts on my breakfast table before holding the door open so Ren can carry me inside and place me on my bed. My feet haven't touched the floor since before I was discharged from the hospital. Tamao is quick to cover me with a blanket and asks if she can get me anything. My heart is warmed by the extent that these kids are making a fuss over me.
All four of us sport bags under our eyes and weak smiles on our tired faces. In contrast, Hao and Mari look well-rested and eager to talk to me. I just want to sleep. Hospitals are the worst places to rest. Nurses are rushing in every so often to poke and update their charts. Doctors occasionally check on you and "Hmm..." and "I see..." in your direction, but you never really get any information out of them. It made us all wish that Faust VII was still alive - may his soul be at peace inside the Great Spirit.
No one knows what to do or say next. We live in an awkward silence for a moment, everyone obviously wants to talk about what's happened, but no one is brave enough to bring it up. Ren sits on the bed next to me, protective in his posture.
Before we could even discuss the miscarriage, Horo's phone rings. He picks up and goes to the corner to speak. His eyes watch Hao, who is getting closer to me, the entire time. Hao sits at the foot of my bed, Mari stands next to him, watching me. More than anyone else, she looks like she has something to say. I can tell she's holding back words, hesitantly parting her lips and making small hand gestures.
"Tamao," my brother calls, "that was Yoh on the phone. They need reinforcements; we have to go."
Tamao nods, putting down the vase of fresh flowers I had been given at the hospital on my nightstand. She smiles at me, "We'll be back as soon as we get a chance, okay?" I squeeze her hand in thanks and smile back at her. I don't feel like talking right now. She walks to Onii-chan, Mari following her,
"Um… do they need me, too?" Mari asks with unclear motives.
"Yoh said you can hang out here for a while longer. They're coming to see her after we get there. When they get here, they'll need you to go over since they'll be short staffed." Onii-chan answered her as he walked over to give me a quick hug. "I'll be back soon. If you need anything, don't hesitate to call." I could see the look of worry in his eyes.
"I've got Ren and Hao to watch over me; I'll be fine." I put on my best worry-free voice to comfort my miserable brother. I know I can probably take care of myself, but it comforts Horo to know that I have these two by my side indefinitely. Well, Ren will have to go back to China pretty soon, he does have a job. It's been three days already and he's taking the rest of the week off to keep an eye on me. We haven't really talked about feelings because we haven't had any time alone. I'm afraid of what he'll say. I don't know what to expect. He's been wonderful so far, well, except at the beginning. I don't know why I'm so nervous to be alone with him. I doubt he's angry, but I just don't know what comes next. What now?
"Hao," my brother's voice brings me back to reality. Hao looks up, not saying anything, already knowing what's going through Horo's mind. "Thank you." Horo stretches out his hand for Hao to take, looking away slightly, but jerks his head back into place as soon as Hao touches him. They shake once and Hao nods. Satisfied with himself, Onii-chan turns to leave. Tamao joins him at the door; they say goodbye once more and walk out.
I look at Hao, trying to read his expression. Hao looks at Ren and over eagerly says,
"Let me show you what I did to Pirika's bathroom!"
"I trust you did a fine job." Ren responds, his disinterest in spending time with other people blocking him from picking up the hint.
"No, really, I want to show something!" Hao now glares at Ren, who, while still annoyed, finally picks up what Hao's putting down.
Ren gets up and they both head into the bathroom. I hear a "Well, you see.." before the door closes.
Mari and I are left alone. This hasn't really happened before. We don't really talk much since I don't go to the Onsen too often, she's working when I'm there, anyway. I see her sometimes and we make small talk, but I have never been alone with her. I must admit I'm a little concerned. I spend a lot of time with her boyfriend, maybe she misinterpreted our relationship. Uh-oh.
Uncomfortable. This is the only word I have to describe both of us. Mari awkwardly makes her way towards me by making eye contact the entire time and sits by my feet.
"I…" she begins meekly, "just… wanted to… thank you."
Her words take me by surprise. I don't know what to say, so I stay silent, hoping she'll fill in the gaps. Why is this emo thanking me?
"I know you talked to Hao." Her words were now calmer than before. I wouldn't have phrased it that way, more like I jumped down his throat. "He came over on Monday after he had spoken to you. We had gotten into a fight earlier that day because I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. Always being able to read my mind has its drawbacks, you know? Instead of trying to show me how much I mean to him, he gets angry or teases me about my insecurities. So then, I get angry because he never takes my feelings seriously." Mari looks down at her hands.
Listening to her talk, listening to her refer to herself made me realize that she doesn't speak in the third person anymore. When did that happen? Was this a result of working in the Onsen? Did Hao help her out of it? Both?
"When he came back to me," Mari continued, "he apologized. And he meant it! He told me he'd listen and take my feelings into consideration. He spoke to me like I was his equal. That's not something that usually happens."
"Why did you stay with him for so long?" I ask, dumbfounded as to why someone would be in a relationship that makes them feel like less than who they are.
"I-I guess…" Mari began to blush, "insecurity? Hao was all I had known my whole life. I only knew other people like him. I always had to prove myself and I guess I assumed that was normal. I know now that I was wrong. Your brother and Tamao made me realize that. Yoh and Anna aren't that great of an example."
I nod in agreement. Sure, behind closed doors, Yoh and Anna get along fine. They treat each other like equals. But in front of people, Anna makes sure to assert herself as the dominant one, while Yoh acts passive or apathetic towards how she treats him. I wouldn't really call him submissive anymore, not since Hana was born.
"Hao's been different all this week. He's been attentive and sensitive. It really is such a breath of fresh air. I just wonder what took him so long." Mari paused, clearly not knowing how to end this. "So, thank you."
I smiled at her, "Thank you, Mari." She smiled back, almost beaming. I could tell she was excited. "But, Mari," I changed my expression to a more serious one, "if he starts to act up again, leave him." I looked her dead in the eye. "I'm serious. Run. It's not fair to you to be with someone who doesn't give you any emotional support. You need more than what he's given you all these years. Focus on yourself for a while." I'm sure Hao can hear me just fine, still I don't hesitate in giving her this advice.
Mari nods, her lips now pouting slightly.
"One more thing," I take her hand, which is now resting on my leg, "I need to ask you something very important."
Mari looks at me kind of scared, "Yes?"
"Did you guys have sex in here?" I look her dead in the eye.
Mari turns deep red and replies, "Yes, but we washed your sheets right after." She buries her face in her hands.
"I can live with that." I shrug off the new information. Kind of gross, but whatever. It's not like I haven't fooled around in less-than-acceptable places.
With all that out of the way, I hear my bathroom door open. Ren and Hao emerge, Ren trying to sound like they were in there for legitimate reasons, "Yeah, that's something."
The day goes by at a snail's pace. Yoh and Anna eventually get to come see me, leaving Hana in the capable hands of all their employees. Hana did draw me a picture, which I ask Ren to hang up on the fridge next to Men's. Opacho sent me some paper cranes. Mari leaves to go work.
The conversation starts to flow normally after a while, helping me forget the events of this past week. Anna informs Hao that Opacho had been sent home with a note from her teacher. Something about stabbing a kid in the, and I quote, "tee-tee weenie". Hao looks proud, although he knows he should be somewhat alarmed by this kind of behavior.
Manta stops by, too. Ryu makes his way to see me by nightfall, leaving one of the su chefs to hold down the fort. They all sit around me and drink tea and coffee and bring food to eat and wash my dishes and not one of them asks me how I feel about losing a baby. Not one of them wants to bring it up. They're all having a good time just being together, ignoring that I am bed-bound and that I need Ren to be my bathroom buddy. It makes me want to scream.
I want to talk about it! I want to tell them that I'm sad. I want to ask them if it's okay to feel relieved. I want to know if they know anyone who has lost a baby. Or a fetus. Or whatever you're supposed to call it to not get too attached to the idea of bearing a child. But, I don't want to call it a fetus, I want to call it a baby! But I don't want to call it a baby and be told to call it a fetus. I'm upset and confused and happy I don't have to put my life on hold, but so, so sad. There's a giant interrobang hanging above my head that everyone pretends they can't see.
Ren can sense my uneasiness, asking me if he should kick them out after a certain hour. The problem is that I want them here, but I don't want them to act like I didn't just go through something traumatic. I'm missing school because of this! I need to see a therapist who specializes in loss and grief. I need to go back to the doctor for a check up on my post-op recovery. This is real.
Hao can hear my every thought, but he just sits by my bed quietly. When the conversation dies down, he scans the room and to no one in particular asks, "So, are we gonna talk about the miscarriage or what?"
The room goes silent. Ren instinctively gets up to yell at Hao for putting our dirty laundry out like that, but I grab his arm and stop him from adding to Hao's scene. Thank you, Hao.
"It's called an ectopic pregnancy." Ren states, instead of whatever the fuck he was about to do, and sits next to me, holding me close.
"Which led Pirika to have quite an explosive miscarriage." Hao adds, hoping someone will jump in and ask something. Four pairs of eyes stare at me.
"It's okay," I tell the curious souls, "I want to talk about it."
Manta is the first to ask me how I'm coping emotionally. Ryu asks me if I'll be needing extra help and company. He offers to bring me a warm meal every day. Yoh and Anna stay silent, listening and holding hands. Eventually, they start to ask me questions about my "torrid love affair" with Ren and why we had kept it a secret for so long. Ren gets a bit timid with the details, but I just lay it all out there. Fuck, the worst has already happened, no need to be coy. It's not like I got pregnant through osmosis.
They all leave at around 1 A.M., Hao is the last to go. This is the first time in three days that he leaves my apartment. Ren thanks him for all he's done for me, that he went above and beyond his duties as a friend. He doesn't really know how to say, "I am grateful that you saved my girlfriend's life and very sorry that I misjudged you", but he does his best. Hao just smiles and walks away. I guess he still doesn't know how to react when people are genuinely relieved he's around.
Ren and I are finally alone. We haven't been able to get rid of people for three days. We haven't even kissed much, one of our favorite activities.
Ren takes off his clothes and gets into bed with me, clad only in the boxers we picked out not too long ago. He turns off the light, letting the star-shaped glow in the dark plastic sticker-things we put up a few weeks ago with Men be our only source of illumination. He holds me tight, like he's afraid I'll vanish. He kisses the top of my head before resting his chin on it. I wrap myself around him best I can without aggravating my scar.
Not being able to hold in my feelings any longer, I cry. I manage to let go of a few tears before Ren begins to kiss my face, loosening his grip on me to rest his hands on my shoulders, he pushes me back a little to see my face better.
"What happens now?" I ask him through tears, not yet sobbing.
"What do you mean?" His voice filled with concern.
"What do we do now?"
"We move on."
"How?"
"We accept the loss. We can talk about it all you want. We can cry about it. We can do whatever you want about it, but we have to accept it."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Of course I do, Pirika; that was my baby, too."
"Are you sad?"
"Yes." Ren takes a deep breath. "But right now, you worry me more."
"We have to help each other through this." I get closer to him. "You can't neglect yourself! I want you to talk to me about what you're going through, too!"
"I will."
Minutes pass before either of us say a word.
"Ren?" I ask.
"Mm?"
"Do you still love me?"
"Wha- Pirika, of course I still love you! Why wouldn't I love you?"
"I- I don't know… It sounds stupid-"
Ren kisses me. It's not a deep kiss, but there's a lot that it tells me. It tells me that he's not stopped loving me at all. That his words are no match for his actions. That this gentle gesture is what he can offer in comforting me. That he needs me as much as I need him to get through this. His soft lips stay on mine for a while. I break the kiss and bury my head in his chest.
"Thank you." I whisper.
"Thank you." Ren whispers.
Here it is! I'm sorry its so short and kind of bland, but these things take time and I haven't had a lot of it.
s/o to my Chibiwawa for inspiring me to write (and whose first-grade story I incorporated)
Poketat: thank you for always reviewing and leaving me your thoughts! your last review helped me finish this chapter.