Part I: Oh, what the Fresh Hell is This?
"Gross, they actually sleep together."
"We've been through this; stop being a baby."
"Pirika, hey." I feel a hand touch my shoulder. "C'mon, get up."
"Nmm…" I try to swat the hand away. Just let me sleep, people. I've had it rough. Jeez.
"Get up, we have to go." The voice is starting to sound familiar to me. Horo?
"Where are we going?" I ask, voice raspy and low, managing to open my stinging eyes. My brother is towering above me, his back-lit silhouette glowing with a white light. Another silhouette approaches behind him.
"Maybe we should wait until she's actually awake." Tamao's voice comes from the second silhouette.
"No, we gotta do this now. We don't want to catch traffic" Onii-chan turns to Tamao. "Besides, if I know my sister, she's going to drag this out and never actually get this done. It's better this way." He turns back to me, "Let's go."
Confused, I ask once more, "Where are we going?"
"Hōkkaido." He answers me.
"Why?" I ask, dreading his answer.
"You know why." His voice colder than the icy mountains of our hometown.
"No!" I sit up to argue, careful not to break my stitches. It hurts a little. The shock and pain wake me up fully.
"Yes!"
"How did you even get in here?" I rub my eye with the heel of my hand.
"Ren let us in."
Traitor!
"Ren… where is he?" I look around for him.
"In the bathroom, getting dressed. He's coming, too."
"Horo, I'm not ready!" I start to argue with him. How dare he come in here at who-knows-what-hour to make me do something that is None of His Business.
"The old man has a right to know." He pauses and looks guilty. "Besides, there's something I gotta go see him about, too."
"Horo, it's an eighteen hour drive." I whine.
"That's why both of us are going at the same time. Two birds, one stone. Now, get dressed."
Tamao comes to my bedside, helping me stand up. She's so kind even in - wait, why is it still dark?
"What time is it?" I ask her.
"It's 5 a.m., dear" Tamao looks apologetic. I've only been asleep for three hours. How could Ren agree to this kidnapping?! I shoot a nasty look at my brother, who has proceeded to sit his ass on my couch and turns on the television to catch the weather report.
"It's going to be cold up there, dress warm." I hear Onii-chan's comment while Tamao and I re-pack the bag I had just used at the hospital. We pack five days worth of sweaters and warm pants. I take out the same boots I had worn to come to Tokyo a little over a year ago. I haven't been back home since then. Feeling guilty, I finally decide that it's time to face my fear and tell my father about the baby I unceremoniously lost.
"Why do you have to go see papa?" I ask my brother from across the room.
"To... tell him that, uh, Tamao and I are, uh, gettin' married." I hear my brother respond hesitantly.
"You haven't told him?!" My guilt begins to fade away. "It's been, like, four months!"
"Which is the exact amount of time that you had to tell us about you and Ren, but you didn't!" With that statement, Horo turns to me and points incriminatingly.
Damn. He got me.
"Don't yell at her." Ren's voice breaks the brief silence as he emerges from the bathroom. "It was a decision made by both of us. I am not exempt from the blame."
"Oh, don't even get me started on what I blame you for, buddy." Onii-chan springs up from the couch, looking ready to fight. Boys are so stupid.
"Enough!" Tamao walks to the center of my apartment, in between the two irritated Clearly-Not Morning People. "There will be no fighting on this trip. We have to spend five or six days with each other, let's not start this out on bad terms."
Onii-chan turns around and flops back onto the couch. Tamao rolls her eyes and comes back to help me off the floor of my closet.
"I don't think I have clothes warm enough." Ren pops his head into my closet. Seeing Tamao struggling to prop me up without hurting me, Ren comes to our aide and picks me up bridal-style.
"We thought about that." Tamao replies, following us out of my closet. Ren takes me into my bathroom and places me on a stool. Tamao stays at the door, "I took the liberty of packing you some of Horohoro's jackets and sweaters. And bought you a new pack of underwear. I hope you like blue." With that, she smiles at us and walks away. I can hear her ask my brother to get her some eggs from the fridge.
"Thank you, you didn't have to go through that trouble." Ren blushes as he calls out to her. I laugh under my breath. Its cute to see him get shy.
"Ren, I'm hungry." I whine. I give him a childlike pout, too - one of my many talents.
"I know. Let's wash your face and then we can eat something." Ren dampens a wash cloth and scrubs my face. He's gentle, making sure not to be too rough around sensitive areas. This is very much Ren's fatherly slide. I'm still not used to him being paternal. I expect it when we're around Men, but he's never been this combination of Caring And In Charge around me before. Its nice to not have to worry about myself, but it's strange. Strange in a good way. I could get used to this.
Ren dresses me. He helps clean my wounds and put a fresh bandage on my soon-to-be-scars. The look on his face when he sees the gashes on my stomach is something I will never forget.
I see guilt in his eyes. Anger, too. He just appears frustrated. Helpless. A little lost. I am, too, love.
His hands are hesitant to touch me. All he does is stare at my wounds with a slight grimace on his face. This poor boy is blaming himself for what I went through. I'm not gonna lie, it makes me a little happy that he's this affected. But, I'm anxious to learn how this is going to affect our relationship. Please don't leave me over this. Please don't think that you have to stay because of this.
I put my hands on his face and smile a little for him. His eyes ask for a pardon when they make contact with mine. I kiss him as my reply. He strokes my thighs and kisses my knees before resting his head on my lap for a little while.
Part II: Stopping the Avalanche
"Alright. Go to the bathroom, get anything you might need for the next six hours." My brother opens the door to the co-pilot's seat. "Do you want me to get you anything?" He asks Tamao, who is getting ready to pump gas.
"Some strawberry pandas would be nice." She replies. Tamao takes her sunglasses and places them on her head like a headband. In that moment, she looks like a rockstar. I sort of envy her ability to look cool at all times. She's the whole package.
Ren and I get out of the car and follow Horo into the convenience store. I make a beeline towards a rack of ugly knitted beanies. I try on the one with the earflaps and pompom at the top like a gigantic hairy nipple.
"You'll get lice." Ren comes up behind me.
"But I'll look cute while doing it." I smile at him and go back to looking at myself in the small mirror.
"You don't need lice." He tries to dissuade me from keeping the beanie on.
"Would you still love me if I got lice and shaved my head?"
"Yes, but there is such a thing as lice shampoo. You don't need to shave your head."
"Ugh, where's the fun in that?" I pretend to be bothered by his statement. I overdo the teenage act by rolling my eyes.
Ren chuckles, "Come on, I'll buy you a juice." He starts to walk towards the refrigerated section.
"And a beanie." I add, reaching out to hold his hand.
"And a beanie." Ren takes my hand and squeezes it.
Back in the car, we all settle in for what promises to be a road trip we'll all remember for the rest of our lives.
Leaving Tokyo for a few days won't be so bad. I think it might help me clear my head a little. I just wish we weren't going home to Hōkkaido; I feel like I'm being punished. You weren't mature enough to take care of yourself in the city, so now you gotta go back home. It makes me want to cry. I feel like such a failure.
Actual tears start forming in my eyes. I try to look out the window so no one will notice. The blur of the moving scenery intensifies with the addition of the fat, salty tears threatening to roll down my face. I try to casually wipe them away with the edges of my sleeve. Ren notices while he opens my juice for me.
"Pirika, what's wrong?" Ren tries to keep his voice down, but Horo hears like a wolf. Onii-chan doesn't do anything, but I can see him look at us in the rear-view mirror.
Ren's attention makes me feel even more miserable. I've sucked in the love of my life into my little pity party; even worse, I've sucked him into my pathetic life. What is he even doing here? He's an important businessman, why is he in a cramped car with three smelly hillbillies going to the middle of nowhere?
I shake my head and don't say anything. This upsets him.
"No. None of that." He tries to get me to look at him. "We're supposed to talk about this." He puts his arm around me and holds me close. This upsets my brother who has been watching us from the rear view mirror like a retired cop.
"Oh, no you don't!" Horohoro turns around in his seat. He sticks his finger in Ren's face, "There will be none of this!" My brother gestures at us. His accusatory index finger nearly swipes my arm that I have wrapped around Ren's waist.
"Calm down, asshole!" Ren shouts at Horo. "Your sister's crying, try to have some empathy!"
"Horo, what the fuck?" Tamao interjects with a lot of feeling. Oh my god, a rare Tamao Swear! "Let them have their moment. Don't be a snoop."
"I don't want to see them having moments in front of me." He still doesn't turn around.
"Then, become a part of their moment." Tamao offers a compromise which makes my brother scrunch his face.
"Ew, no. I don't wanna be a part of their moment."
"Then, leave them alone." Tamao lightly slaps his shoulder, keeping her eyes on the road.
"I can't she's crying." Horo crosses his arms and sits facing forward again. His answer gets him a collective groan as a response. He ignores it. "Pirika, why are you crying?"
"Like you care." Ren spits at him.
"I wasn't asking you!" Horo turns in his seat again to yell in Ren's face. Before anyone can say anything else, a shouting match ensues between the two boys. Boys, not men. This makes me cry harder.
"Hey!" Tamao yelled loud enough get their attention. "This is the kind of behavior up with which I will not put! Horohoro, stop being a baby and accept that your sister is dating Ren. It's done, there's nothing you can do about it. Ren, do not let his attitude get to you. He wants to pick a fight, don't give him the satisfaction. Both of you, shut up for a second! Pirika," her tone changes dramatically to a soft, motherly voice, "are you okay?"
"Mn," I wipe my tears with the ear flaps of my new beanie.
"Do you want a strawberry panda?" Tamao offers me, making eye contact with me through the rear view mirror.
"No, thank you." I manage to say before burying my face in Ren's armpit. The scent of his deodorant sooths me. It smells blue.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Tamao asks sweetly.
"Only if Horohoro's done being a dick." I say into Ren's chest, wiping my face on his sweater. Well, Horo's sweater.
"Aa-!" I can hear my brother let out a sigh. "I'll behave."
Ren, who has not stopped holding ono me, kisses my forehead and shoots a look at Horo who flares his nostrils at us, but doesn't say anything. Normally, Ren wouldn't fathom the idea of such a tender public display of affection, but this allowed him to spite my brother and comfort me at the same time. Win/win.
"Onii-san, do you hate me?" I ask, turning my head enough for him to only see one of my eyes. The expression on his face changed from annoyed to worried in one swift motion.
"Oh, Pirika, no. How could you think that?" He reaches out and places his hand on my knee. "I could never hate you."
"But you've been nothing but cold towards me since the accident." I feel stupid calling the miscarriage an "accident", but no one was planning on it, so… "And you keep antagonizing Ren. I didn't want this to ruin your friendship! This is why I was so scared to tell you." My voice gets higher on that last "you". I can feel myself want to sob again, but I am at the phase of my emotional exhaustion that no more tears will come out. I'm just a girl with a red face and a stomach ache, making weird high-pitched noises, and breathing through my mouth at this point.
"Listen, I'm sorry. I know I've been acting kind of shitty, but this is a lot for me to take in." Horo begins to explain. "I just never thought I'd see the day when you two got together. Not to mention, I found out while you almost died in my arms. I was really scared. It's not an excuse, I know, but, I'm hurt, too."
I take Horo's hand on my knee and hold it. My damp, clammy hand feels so nice in his dry, warm one. He smiles at me.
"I was angry at both of you for keeping this a secret for so long. But I got even angrier when I couldn't do anything to help you. Then, Ren comes in from China like a miracle sent from the heavens and fixes everything! He covered the hospital, he's taking care of you, he bought you a beanie!" We all chuckled at that. "I guess, I'm angry at myself. I guess, I feel like I let you down, somehow."
"Why?" I ask him, now feeling a little better.
"Because you didn't trust me enough to tell me you guys were dating. I think I could have handled this situation better had I know about your relationship before. It's a little weird for me."
"How come?" I ask him, curious as to what his answer might be. If I could get over the fact that Ren used to be in love with Horohoro, then Horohoro can get used to the fact that his best friend is dating his sister. It's not like this is an uncommon scenario. I guess, it'll just take some time.
"Well, because… Ren's Ren and you're you and both of you are important to me." Is the best my brother had to offer. "Seeing you guys be all cute with each other is a little hard to swallow."
"But, why?" I don't want to have to hide being affectionate towards Ren anymore. Especially, not in front of my own family. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of hiding. I don't want to have to feel ashamed for openly loving who I love. I've never had a real boyfriend. I've never brought anyone home for my family to meet. It's just been me and my secrets for so long. I want freedom.
"It just is, Pirika." Horo answers me, turning in his seat to face forward. His expression changed from worried to sorrowful. This concerns me deeply. I thought I knew nearly everything about my brother. I see him clench his fists on his thighs. Tamao notices, too, and stretches her hand to cover his. I'm beginning to think this has to be more than my brother being upset that his best friend is dating his sister.
"Onii-chan," I take a moment to let him acknowledge me, "what's going on?"
"It's nothing." His reply is too quick.
"It's something."
"No, it's not. Just leave it alone, Pirika."
"No! You're the one who's making a big deal about Ren and me dating, so what is it?"
"It's nothing."
"Liar!" I nearly launch myself into the co-pilot seat. I wriggle myself free from Ren's arms. "I can tell when you're lying, Horohoro."
My brother does nothing. He keeps looking at the road and doesn't respond to me. What the hell? What won't he tell me?! There's something else there, right? I'm not just making this up? Why is he being so stubborn? What is he hiding?
"Onii-" I grab his sideburn and am about to pull when Ren takes my hand away.
"That's enough. You're not going to get him to talk in this state." I gawk at my traitorous boyfriend before shooting a look of Are You Seeing This Shit to Tamao. She sees me and betrays me, too,
"He's right. Let's change the subject. Dear, have you spoken to your father?" She directs her question to Horo, who is looking out the window.
"Not yet." Horohoro replies dryly, still looking out the window looking with a long face.
I lose track of their conversation by screaming internally. I'm so angry I could flip this car over. How dare they let him get away with being an asshole when all I'm asking for is the truth! Don't I deserve to know what's going on? Shouldn't I know why it is that I can't be affectionate towards my boyfriend in front of my brother? Did I do something wrong? I mean, apart from hiding our relationship for so long. Was what I did really that bad?
I turn my head away from Ren, who is rubbing his temples in annoyance. I don't want to talk to him right now. Or anyone else in this stupid car, for that matter. I wish Tamao would just pull over so I didn't have to go through with this frustrating roller coaster straight into hell. Get me off this ride; I've had enough.
I'm not going to cry in front of these emotional siphons anymore. I'm not going to talk to Onii-chan or Tamao or Ren about being sad. No, they lost their privileges. I don't care if I'm being childish. They're all hiding something from me. I know it.
Part III: Nothing Good Ever Happens in Cheap Motels
We arrive at the only motel (or hotel, for that matter) that doesn't have it's "NO VACANCY" sign lit. It looks like it hasn't been updated since the 70s. Our great luck led us here, the only room available, with one queen bed and four people.
"I'll sleep in the car." I say, as soon as I see the room with pink carpet and not much else to offer.
"You will do no such thing." Tamao takes my bags from my hands, making it harder for me to escape. "You'll freeze. Besides, we just spent ten hours in it, let it rest. I'm sure the car has had enough of us."
"Girls get the bed, we'll be on the floor." My brother chimes in, looking for a reasonable place to sleep.
"There's a diner across the street, I'll go get us some food." Tamao sets the bags down in the tiny closet before heading towards the door. "Ren, I'll need some help bringing everything back."
Ren follows her lead and allows for Horo and me to have some much needed time alone. We sit there in silence for about three minutes until Horo reaches for the TV remote.
"Really?" I ask him, indignant and annoyed.
"What?" He replies nonchalantly.
"They left us here so we could talk."
"Well, maybe I don't want to talk to you right now."
"Well, maybe I want to talk about the stick up your ass."
"Quit being a brat." His acidic words cut through the air and land on skin, burning.
"I'm the brat?! You're the one with the attitude problem!"
"Pirika, you're being annoying!" Horohoro snaps at me.
I lunge at him. Never in my life have I been so furious.
I punch him in the face. He lets me. This makes me angrier. I punch him again, harder. He catches my fist the next time I swing at him. I knee him in the crotch. He falls to the floor.
"Fuck, Pirika!" Horohoro cries out. "What is your problem?!"
"You! You pathetic excuse for an adult!" I yell down at him. "My problem is that you've been acting like a fucking jealous child ever since this whole thing happened! Look, I understand that you were scared and hurt, but now is the time to ta-! D-don't, don't you! Look at me!" I can see some of my spit propell out of my mouth in tiny spheres.
Horohoro lazily turns his head to look at me again. His facial expression is beyond apathetic. He has truly disconnected from this conversation, or whatever you can call this.
"Fine! If you're going to be a jerk, then be a jerk! I feel sorry for Tamao." I turn and head to the bathroom. I need to get away from this negativity. Never did I think that my own brother would make me feel like I don't matter. I do, don't I?
"Pirika," Horohoro pipes up, "I'm sorry."
"Whatever." I open the door to the sorriest bathroom I have ever seen.
"Listen." I can see him get up in the vanity mirror. He sits on the old bed. "Don't turn around. I don't know how to say this to your face."
I keep my back turned, my hand on the brass door handle. I lower my head so he can't see me looking at him through the outdated vanity mirror.
"Are you in love with Ren?" Horohoro asks me hesitantly. I can hear his voice catch in his throat.
"Yes." I keep my eyes cast to the ground and I speak soft, but stern.
"I...uh, this is so hard to say… um, I was, uh, once, too." The words that my brother speaks are surreal. This has got to be a fucking joke.
"You're kidding." I turn my head to look at him. He's sitting on the bed now, looking at his folded hands in his lap. He's blushing. This isn't a joke. This is real. What have I gotten myself into?
"Nn-" he begins to refute my last claim, but he is interrupted by my loud snort.
I laugh, relieved. Here, I thought something was wrong! Seriously wrong! But no, it's all a case of high school drama we were never allowed to live. It is oddly liberating.
"Wh-wh-whaaat?" My brother tries to comprehend what is happening in front of him.
I keep laughing, thinking that this is too funny. It sounds almost made up! Man, my life just keeps getting stranger. Oh, well. Whatever. C'est la vie.
"It all makes sense now." I am finally able to say, wiping a laughter tear out of my eye. "You're so dense, you know that."
"I'm not following." Onii-san takes a few steps closer to me.
"How long ago was this? " I take a deep breath through my nostrils. I can finally breathe again.
"Uh, um, like, like, during the, the Shaman Tournament." My brother rubs the back of his neck and looks away, embarrassed.
"You really are stupid." I smile at him. This is all so silly! Those two would have made a great couple in their youth if they were only smart enough to act on their feelings. Boys are dumb.
"Hey! What the hell?" Horo assumes the scolding mother pose, complete with balled fists to his hips and tapping foot. "Here I am admitting something to you that only one other person knows and you call me stupid?! What the fuck, dude?"
"It really isn't my place to say, but we won't be able to talk this out unless I tell you." I bite my lip feeling like I'm about to betray my boyfriend. Sorry, honey. The greater good is on the line.
"So, tell me."
"I dunno. I'm not sure you can handle it."
"C'me on, just spill."
"Nah, maybe I'll save it for a rainy day." I tease Horo, buying time in hopes that the others will show up soon so Ren can tell Horo himself. I'm going to be a good girlfriend and not spill the beans.
"Is this payback for acting like a jerk?"
"Naw, that's coming to you, though." I finger gun at him with two snaps. I sit on the bed and look up at my stupid brother. It's all a case of jealousy for a former self. I wonder when we'll allow ourselves to grow up? "I get it, okay? I understand now. But now that we both know what we know, can you stop being such a baby about this?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry." Onii-san sits next to me. I lean into him. He hugs me tight. "I'm really sorry. I know I've been a real asshole. You don't deserve it. I was projecting. I'm sorry."
"You're forgiven." I hug him back. "Just control yourself."
We sit there for a while just making stupid faces at each other before the door opens behind us and a strong smell of fried chicken filled the room. My mouth waters instantly and I shove Horo away from me to snatch the bucket of breaded goodness out of Ren's hands.
"Well, you're in better spirits. Did you two make up?" Tamao asks sweetly, walking over to her fiancé and handing him a large drink.
"Yeah, it's all good, now." I open the lid of the bucket and peer into my dinner. Give it to meeeee.
Ren drags me to the shitty motel table and sits me down. Horo and Tamao join at the shitty motel table. No one speaks while eating, a sign of real hunger.
"I think," I begin to say, kind of regretting the words as they come out of my mouth, "I think Ren and Horohoro should have a talk."
"About what?" Ren looks at me, suspicious.
"Well, I feel it would do you two a lot of good to discuss that one thing you told me on the couch the first night you slept over at my place."
"WHAT?!" Ren's face turned deep red. Horo and Tamao leaned in, curious. "Why?!"
"Because it'll make sense to you after you say it and then more things will make sense and we can all get back to getting along." Or it can blow up in my face and make this trip even worse.
"Pirika, I don't like this." He tries to keep his voice down, a worried look on his face.
"Well, is it important?" Horo asks, not wanting to sound too much like a nosy neighbor, but failing.
"Not really…" Ren's blush deepens as he looks away. I can't help but notice that Horo is blushing, too. Just a little. Just enough.
Tamao puts her hand on my brother's and gives it a small squeeze. I think she knows how the two felt about each other. Whether or not she and Horo have discussed it in the past, I do not know. The look on her face is one of understanding and compassion.
"If you guys need a moment alone, Pirika and I can go look at the pool." Tamao suggests.
"Or wait in the bathroom." I add, wanting to overhear their conversation.
"Let's just finish our dinner." Ren continues to eat. He's been staring at his plate the whole time. He eats his fried chicken with the shitty plastic utensils instead of using his hands like the rest of us. I have decided to find it charming.
Chewing, fingers being wiped on napkins, occasional lip smacking, and drinking from plastic bottles create the medley of the only sounds heard for the next several minutes.
An unexpected confession breaks the silence.
"Ren, I used to be in love with you." Horohoro blurts out.
The world stops for a second. I feel like it all is happening in slow motion.
Ren's mouth hangs open revealing a small amount of chicken that hasn't made it to its final destination. He drops his shitty plastic utensils. The knife lands on the floor, between us.
Tamao takes a deep breath in and stops eating, she looks at the man she is to marry in amazement.
"I used to be in love with you, but I got over it a while ago and now you're dating my sister and that's what's been bothering me. I don't know how to-" Horohoro stops himself when he takes in Ren's facial expression. I don't think anyone has ever seen Ren blush with wide eyes and an open mouth. My Ren is usually a very composed man, this is new to all of us. We all stare at him, hoping he'll say something.
Instead, Ren stands and leaves the room.
Horohoro stares at Tamao and me in confusion. Terrified, his eyes look like they're about to start spilling repressed tears.
"Go!" We both yell, motioning with our arms to follow Ren and stop him from doing anything stupid.
My brother bolts after the man he used to love - the man I currently love- leaving the woman he is to marry, my best friend, behind.
I get up too, planning to witness whatever the hell will happen next with my own eyes, but a tug on my sleeve sits me back down. Suddenly, the pit of my stomach drops and I remember that I did something reckless that could hurt the very person sitting in front of me.
"It's alright," Tamao reassures me, "I've known for a while. Let them take care of this by themselves. They'll come back when it's all better."
Some things will resolve themselves without me being there to shape them or see them for myself. That's just the way life is. I have to trust that whatever happens out there will be for the best, even if I don't like the outcome. Even if it means that this trip will go worse than I imagined.
The fried chicken makes me nauseous. I don't want to eat anymore. I drink some of the juice that Ren and Tamao brought back and lie down on the floor without saying a sound.
Tamao keeps eating. She doesn't say anything either. I don't think she's being passive agressive. I just think she's just hungry and tired and wants everything to be dealt with without her having to play mommy.
Twenty-somewhat minutes later the door opens and the boys come back in, smiling. Tamao and I have now cleaned up and are ready to hit the sack.
"Hey." Is all I can manage to say.
Ren nods in my direction with a weak smile.
Horohoro walks towards Tamao (who is shiny with face cream and is wearing the ugliest pajamas I have ever seen), picks her up and gives her a deep kiss. "Everything's alright," Horo releases a breath and presses their foreheads together, "everything's fine."
The scene touches me. I notice Ren staring at them, too, content.
"What happened?" I ask, getting closer to him, but unsure of whether or not I can touch him.
"We talked it out." Ren begins to look a little uncomfortable. "We kissed." His face reddens faster than my pulse begins to rush through my body after hearing that last confession.
I don't know what to make of this. THEY KISSED?! I decide to play it cool and not say or do anything that will hurt anyone in the room until I gather all the facts.
"And? How was it?" I ask calmly.
"It was great!" Horo responds for Ren. My heart nearly skips a beat "But, we felt nothing." My brother gives me the dorkiest smile. He looks relieved. I'm happy for him.
"You felt nothing?" I ask Ren.
"I felt nothing." Ren answers while looking at me dead in the eyes.
"You felt nothing?" I ask again, adding my emphasis to the word "nothing".
"I. Felt. Nothing." Ren underlines every word.
"You felt nothing!" I exclaim with glee, sticking my arms in the air, wide. Its hug time.
"I felt nothing!" Ren takes me in for a hug and rests his chin on my head. "Thank you." He whispers.
I look back to see Tamao and Horohoro touching each other's faces, smiling. I can hear Horo ask her if she's mad that he and Ren kissed. She shakes her head. They kiss again. Tamao truly is the embodiment of good.
What a weird day this has been and what a weird way to end it: Tamao and I cuddling in bed; the boys cuddling on the floor, elated because they felt nothing.
Part IV: Teaching Father the Math
"Pirika! My darling daughter!" My father greets us at the front door. He hugs me before peeking over my head and noticing the three freezing shamans behind me. "Hello, come in, come in! Hi, Tamao, dear, how are you?" He gives her a quick hug before sending her past the door frame where I now stand. "Ah, is that Tao Ren? My, you've grown! Come on in, it's cold out here even for me!" He pats Ren's shoulders as Ren says hello to him. "Horohoro, my son, thank you for bringing your sister." My father beams at my brother.
"Hey, pops." Horo gives my dad a small smile while he takes off his hat. "Yeah, I brought a whole mess of kids. I hope you don't mind."
"Not at all, not at all! You are all always welcome here." My father walks past the other two to get to me. He puts his hands around my shoulders. "I hope you're hungry. I made salmon and some soup. How does that sound?"
"That sounds really good, papa." I tell him.
"Do you need any help in the kitchen, sir?" Tamao offers her assistance in a typical Tamao move.
"Oh, no, my sweet child. Horohoro can help me. Come, son." Horo follows my father into the kitchen. "Pirika, why don't you show your friends where they'll be staying."
"Okay, Papa." I pick up the duffle bags Horo leaves behind. Ren is quick to snatch them out of my hands as they follow me up the stairs.
I take Tamao to my brother's room and set her stuff down. It looks just the same as when I was here a year ago. This comforts me, but reminds me of how alone my father must feel. I take Ren to my room as Tamao arranges their clothes so they don't continue getting wrinkled.
It feels weird to have a boy in my room (other than my brother, of course) while my father is home. I'm a bit embarrassed with the old pictures of my life during the eight years Ren and I were separated. He looks at them after putting our bags on my bed, which has a frilly pink bed spread that I've had since I was twelve. Ren takes his time with the pictures on my wall. He seems to linger on the ones where my hair is shorter and my clothes are tighter.
"I was seventeen." I tell him, startling him into a deep blush. "Those days were pretty confusing for me. It all seems like a blur."
"Drugs?" He asks, not taking his eyes of a shot of me lying on the floor doing a peace sign as I look away from the camera. I'm wearing a fur-lined coat and my underwear, nothing else. By the way the picture was taken, you wouldn't even know I wasn't wearing proper clothes.
"Sex." I admit.
"That man - the older one..." Ren looks at me, concerned.
I nod, "We slept together for about a year. Six months into it, I found out he was married. Had a ba-"
"He was married?" Ren cups my cheek with one hand.
"Yes." I look Ren in the eye as I confess. I've never told anyone before. It doesn't feel like a release, it feels the same as if someone were asking me what time it was. I don't carry around that burden of remorse or anything like it. I dropped that load long ago.
"And you kept sleeping with him?" There's shock in his voice, it's not much, but it's there.
"Yes." I don't make excuses. I don't try to sugarcoat it. I don't tell him that it didn't matter to me because he was just a sex toy to me, too. It was mutual fucking for the sake of fucking. We both wanted an escape from reality. We found it in each other's company late at night and on weekends. I kept my hair short because it made me look older than I was, when we were seen in public, which was a rare occurrence, it didn't look like the guy was that much older than me.
"Who took the picture?" Ren asks, glancing down at my lips.
"He did."
"Why do you keep it?"
"To remind me that I'm capable of doing ugly things that hurt people." Ren's thumb strokes my bottom lip as I talk. "I don't want to ever be that way again."
"He hurt you." Ren whisper-talks. Now both of his hands find themselves on my cheeks.
"I hurt him... and his wife." I remind Ren that I am not the victim here, his wife is. His child is. Not me. I was a culprit in this crime.
"He hurt his wife by himself." Ren squeezes my face a little. He looks sad.
"I am sti-"
"Pirika, he is the one to blame. He preyed on you. He was the one who decided to cheat on his wife. You didn't make that decision for him. You were only seventeen."
"I know." I grab Ren's wrists gently. "That was years ago, now. I've moved on."
Ren kisses my forehead. I am very confused.
Ren and I have never discussed this man apart from the time he asked me about the greatest age difference between my lovers and me. Ren doesn't know what I went through during or after my fling with the married man. Even now, when I speak of him, I act like it never affected me - like I'm completely neutral about the man. It was a big deal while it was happening, but he doesn't - wait, could Onii-chan have picked up on something and told Ren in passing? That's a scary thought.
"Let's go help with dinner. We can unpack after we come back upstairs." I tell him, needing to get out of this conversation.
"I love you." He tells me as he holds me close. I can smell his cologne, it soothes me.
"I love you."
Dinner is colored alive with my father telling stories of when we were kids. The soup and salmon that he and Tamao prepared soothed my every muscle and nurtured my soul. There is bountiful laughter and the feeling of family. Our secrets and past sins melt away, leaving us with nothing but good conversation and heartfelt stories. Its warm and comforting; I want feeling to last forever.
After dinner, Horo decides to tell our father of his engagement. My father nearly cries and excitedly shakes Horo's shoulders. He turns to Tamao and hugs her, asking every question imaginable about the wedding. Tamao gladly answers all of his questions, beaming with joy to be accepted into my family so quickly. She even tells him about their moving into an apartment in my building, causing my father to go from super excited to freaking ecstatic.
Ren and I clean up in the kitchen, happily allowing them to have their moment. We overhear everything, even my dad asking for the approximate arrival date of his first grandchild. The question catches everyone off guard. The smiles on our faces slowly deflate. I turn keep my back turned on everyone, working near the sink, so my father doesn't read the trauma on my face. Ren stays near me, checking my face with his peripherals.
Tamao saves the day by answering that kids are far too expensive for them at the moment, they'll wait until they can afford to take care of a child properly. My father praises Tamao for having a good head on her shoulders. He tells them that he'll help pay for the wedding, whatever the cost.
Horo thanks our father with a "that's not necessary, don't waste your money on me" approach but my dad won't hear of it. Finally, Horo reluctantly accepts and says that it's time for bed.
My father seems saddened to have us all leave his presence so soon. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart enough to do the thing I was brought here to do: come clean.
"Actually, papa, I'm not tired yet, so I can stay with you." I say, putting the last dish in the cabinet. "There's something I want to tell you, anyway." My palms begin to sweat and the nausea from two days ago returns with a vengeance.
"Well, sure, honey, what is it?" He asks, stars still in his eyes.
"I'll tell you when we're alone." I say, smiling through the pain, the anxiety, and the butt-sweat. I notice Ren staring at me, nervous. I gesture my head to tell him to beat it, while still looking calm for my father.
Ren doesn't move from where he's standing, halfway in between the dining room and kitchen. Horo notices and tries to get Ren to go upstairs with him. The three of us communicate with eye-widening and small gestures to convince Ren to retire. In the end, Tamao had to take him by the hand and lead him upstairs, while Horo pushed him from behind. Teamwork.
"They don't have some freaky arrangement, do they?" My father asks, after making sure they all got up the stairs, out of earshot. Horo probably heard it, though.
"What...?" The question makes me chuckle, "No, papa. It's nothing like that."
"Well, alright, then." He doesn't sound too convinced. "What did you want to talk about?"
"There's not much to talk about, papa." I lied. "I've just been busy with school and stuff."
"Pirika, you used to be so full of life! You never stayed home. I find it hard to believe that you haven't found the time to have some fun in Tokyo."
"I still have fun, papa." I try to reassure him. "Just a few months ago, I rode on a hot air balloon." I leave out the part that the reason I was never home as a youth because I was busy bed-hopping because I was too depressed to deal with my problems. You know, teenage stuff. I also leave out that the balloon ride I went on was because I was on a first date with the most extra person known to Asia.
"Well, I didn't know that. Why don't you call more often, it's been awful lonely up here without you or your brother." He guilts me.
He has a point though; my father has lived his life for us ever since mom walked out. He might have not been the best father, but at least he was supportive. The longest he'd ever gone without seeing at least one of his kids was during the Shaman Tournament. Suddenly, both his kids leave at the same time and he was left to himself. Onii-chan is the one who has made the effort to see him the most often, even though their relationship isn't the greatest. Shit, he even brought Tamao to get better acquainted with him when they first started dating.
And what have I done? I call my dad maybe once a month to talk to him for about fifteen minutes just to fulfill my duties as a daughter. I've hidden my boyfriend from him just because I didn't feel like bringing it up. I'm a dick!
"I'm sorry, papa." I pat his hand. "I promise I'll call more."
"Come see me, too!" He smiles. "I always get to see your brother, but I never get to see you. It's still your house, you know."
"I know, papa. And when you come down to Tokyo, you can stay with me."
"Thank you, my sweet girl!" He takes my hand shakes it a bit. "So, you guys brought Ren with you. It's nice to see that he and your brother are still such good friends."
"Yeah, papa, about that…" I take my hand back from him. Why is this so hard? Just spit it out, Pirika! My father looks at me with a smile on his face. No, don't smile! You're making this harder! "Papa, Ren and I are... dating."
"What? Are you serious?" My father looks genuinely confused. "Isn't he...you know, you know? Um, gay?"
Boy, golly, if only he were. My life, in this moment in time, would be far less complicated in Tao Ren were gay. And yet, he is not and here we are.
"No, papa." I give him a small chuckle to lighten the mood. "Ren's not gay."
"Well, I-I, I could have sworn he…" My father trails off, putting his hand on his bearded chin.
"He's not gay, papa. He even had a baby with the Iron Maiden." I don't know what kind of grasp my father has on the spectrum of human sexuality, so I give him the only answer that will satisfy him. I know that having a baby with someone means nothing in terms of sexual preferences, but this will keep my father from bringing it up in future conversations.
"A baby?!" His eyes widen a little. "My god, the boy's a father…"
This is it, Pirika! Here is your chance!
"Yeah, papa, about that…" I pause to make sure I don't sound too blase about what I'm about to tell him.
"Pirika, you don't mean to tell me you're -" My father's eyes widen, glistening. He smiles again and takes a deep breath. "Oh, my darling daughter!" He comes in for a hug. I take a step back. Bad, bad, bad, bad!
"Papa, no-"
"This is excellent news! When can-"
"Papa, I lost the baby." I spat out real fast. There, I said it.
"What?" My father's face falls. He doesn't want to believe what he's hearing.
"I lost the baby." I say again, looking away. I don't want him to see me right now. I want to disappear.
"Pirika…" he looks upset.
"I-it… I wasn't..." I look at him again only to see him scratching his head for answers. "I wasn't very far along."
"Oh, my daughter." He takes my hands in his again. He pats them sullenly. I can feel his sorrow. "How long ago?"
"About a week ago. It was an ectopic pregnancy. The fetus got stuck in my tubes and I had to have surgery and I spent three days in the hospital and I'm sorry I didn't call to tell you because I was embarrassed." I can't help but delivery my confession super fast.
All this time, I look at the floor, the tears I couldn't cry before now fall freely from my eyes. I can't control it, much like my life. "Ren and Hororhoro and Tamao are all taking really good care of me and I'm sorry I didn't call you. I'm sorry I never call you. I'm so sorry, papa..."
I feel my body being pulled into a warm hug, my father's arms firmly grasp me. I cry into his chest.
"My darling daughter, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. These things happen. You must be in a lot of pain." He kisses the top my head. "I am sorry you are going through this loss. Would you like to stay here for a few weeks to grieve?"
His words touch me. They're not much, but he's never been Mr. Sensitive. What he said is enough. He is kind in offering me a break from my life.
"I can't." I reply in between small sobs. "I have school." School is the real bummer.
"Can't you take a medical leave of absence?"
"I don't want to delay my studies." I sniff. "I've gotten so far."
"I understand. But if you feel like you need to home come, do so. Remember, my child, your health is the most important. You must be well to do well."
"Yes, papa." I respond, defeated. I feel like such a fucking asshole. He took this a lot better than I expected. I didn't even want to tell him, yet here I am crying into his chest like a fucking child. I was so scared he would get angry, but he's just happy his daughter is okay. I'm shit.
After that, my father hugs me tight. I can tell he's hurting, too. He asks me to watch some TV with him before heading to bed. We watch a documentary about bees. I think it's about bees. I'm too busy screaming in my own head to pay proper attention.
At about one a.m. my father turns off the T.V.. We head upstairs and part ways, muttering our "goodnight"s through our yawns.
I go to my room and see three Shamans waiting for me. Ren and Tamao are sitting on my bed, while Horo is sitting on my desk chair, backwards. This scene looks so high school. It makes me chuckle to myself.
"Did you hear everything?" I ask them, amused. I take a seat on my bed in between Tamao and Ren. I need to feel surrounded by love right now.
"Just about, yeah." My brother gives his answer in his Sleepy Time voice. He doesn't yawn, or anything, it's just so monotonous and soft.
"How are you, dear?" Tamao brushes my bangs out of my eyes and plays with my hair. "How do you feel?"
"Kind of stupid." I admit. "I didn't know what to expect, but I wasn't expecting that." I still feel like a massive asshole for being so secretive towards my father. I want to be more open with him, especially now since he's all alone up here. I don't think I'll be admitting much of what I was up to when I lived here, but enough so he knows I trust him. "It feels nice to let it out, though."
"It's a good thing we came." Said my brother in a zombie-like state. "Now that that's done we can go to bed. Goodnight, love you, godbless, et cetera, et cetera." Horo spoke as he lifted himself from my chair and helped Tamao off my bed. Before exiting my doorway, he turns to me, "I'm really proud of you, Pirika."
Tamao gives me two victory signs and a huge smile before blowing me a kiss goodnight.
I catch her invisible kiss and slap it on my cheek.
Tamao closes the door. I can hear her giggle and my brother "shh" her excitedly, as well as some hurried footsteps into the distance.
"Well, they sound like they're gonna have some fun." I look down at Ren, who is avoid eye contact with me. "What's up?"
"I should have been there to tell him with you. I look like a coward by not facing him. He's your father, I should have been there to show him my respect." His arms are crossed over his chest.
"It was easier for me to do it this way." I pat his hair. "I needed to tell him alone. I needed him to be real with me. Thank you for respecting my wishes."
I get a grunt out of him.
"Help me redress my bandages." I change the subject to have him distract himself from being angry over a small formality. I have my fingers trail from his beautiful long hair down to his hand. He holds my fingers before looking up at me.
I get up so I can take my sweater and tank top off. Facing him, Ren unbuttons my pants to have easier access to my bandages. They seem to have bled through a little.
"I guess I over-exerted myself today." I say, trying to not make a big deal out of it.
I wasn't expecting Ren to run his hands down his face and neck at the sight of my bloody abdomen. I could tell that there was something that he needed to say, but couldn't bring himself to speak. He looks up at me with sad, red eyes. He's miserable.
"Lie down." Ren instructs me while helping me take my pants off and get on my bed. He rummages through our bags and finds clean bandages and surgical tape. He peels the old tape off and removes the blood-stained cloth. He nearly cries at the sight of my open wounds. "Go back to just wearing sweatpants. I think your jeans are too tight and may have caused this." He looks sick, almost like he's squeamish, but I know him better than that.
"Tell me what's on your mind." I put my hand on his before he can properly dress my wounds.
"I did this to you." He plops my hand back where it was and goes to work on disinfecting the gashes before sealing them up.
"You didn-"
"I should have been more careful."
"We were being careful."
"You could have died!" He slams his fist on my mattress.
"Yeah, well, I didn't." I gently touch his face. He cups his hand around mine, allowing me to feel the heat of his skin.
"Our baby died." The way Ren speaks these words are almost hushed. He looks so disappointed.
I manage to smile a little as we take in each other's expressions. "Yeah, they did."
Ren hangs his head.
"Hey," I say, shaking my hand in his so he looks at me. "What would you have named them?"
"Pirika, I don't want to play this game."
"Then, finish fixing me up and I'll tell you the names I would have named our baby."
Ren doesn't look at me, but he begins to cover my wounds and cut the tape.
"Mudflap." I joke.
Ren let's out a sharp exhale. Not the reaction I wanted, but I am not giving up.
"Scooter." I try again.
Ren chuckles. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have traction, ladies and gentlemen!
"Salsa-Mostasa." I join the only two words in Spanish I know.
Ren huffs and rolls his eyes. Damn, that set me back.
"Salad." I say, determined.
"You can't name a kid "Salad", that's just cruel." Ren finally laughs. "Salad." He puts on the final tape on that will keep me together for the night.
"Yeah, I can! First name "Salad", middle name "Person"." I cross my arms over my chest as to inspire some sort of naming duel.
""Salad Person"?" He questions me. ""Tao Salad Person"?"
"Yes."
"Oh, come on. Be serious." He finally looks at me with a smile on his face.
"Okay, okay. You really want to know?" I sit up with Ren's help.
"Yes."
"Chise." I say, looking lovingly into his eyes. "It means "home" in Ainu."
"Why "Chise"?"
"Because that's how I feel when I'm with you."
Flustered and blushing, Ren allows himself to fall to my side on the bed, careful to not move me too much. We stare and smile at each other, wrapping ourselves into one another. We say nothing. We don't have to.
Author's Note:
Hello! My deepest apologies for not updating for almost a year. School got really intense and I could not afford to write leisurely. Then, I was too depressed and exhausted to keep writing after graduation. I only got back to writing for pleasure this week. I tried to make up for it by making this chapter almost 9,500 words. I've been working on this since January, so I'm happy to finally publish it.
Also, I'm thinking about changing the formatting of the previous chapters to be more like this one. I might also add new material to the old chapters, but who knows if I'll have the energy.
The next chapter will be the last. I don't know when I'll update next, but I'm already working on it.
A special thanks to Poketat for being so awesome and excited for the release of this chapter. I hope you like it.