Hello everyone ! Let me start off by saying, MERRY CHRISTMAS ! Also, just wanted give a massive apology for updating so late. I had to travel unexpectedly this week and I'm still overseas and will be for the coming week - this meant internet access was hard to find. I had this chapter written for a while and couldn't upload. Hopefully, I can upload the next one sooner *fingers crossed*. Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH for the amazing feedback I got on this fic. I'm so thrilled you guys like it. It makes me so happy. Hopefully, this chapter lives up. Again, thank you for your support and I hope you enjoy - both this fic and your holiday !
P.S : This fic is not at all M rated, BUT this chapter's flashback maaaay contain a little bit of PG stuff. Nothing that warrants an M rating, but letting y'all know ahead of time :)
Disclaimer : The characters are property of Shonda Rhimes and Grey's Anatomy.
20th of December
"Okay so Seattle can only have snow every once in a blue moon but it can have icy sharp wind and black ice almost every single year? Really ? Why ?!"
Jackson opened the door to a visibly shivering red head, who was sporting a frown that matched the tone of frustration evident in her voice. He immeadiately noticed that she was wearing a jacket a good 4 or 5 sizes too big for her ... a jacket that also happened to be intended for men. His jacket to be precise, which she had swiped from him a year before their breakup, claiming it to be warmer and cozier than the ones she could buy. At the time, she'd also said it was mostly because it smelled like him and sometimes he wondered if that's another reason why she still kept it.
"The weather ?" He joked, taking her coat and hanging it in the coat buyer she bought him 2 years back and watched her hang her keys on the hook she had bought him 6 months into their relationship. He was honestly surprised, and occasionally worried, about the amount of relationship memorabilia he kept.
"Ha ha ha. You're so lame, Jackman." She quipped back.
Growing up in Ohio meant April absolutely adored the snow but hated the cold. She was only willing to put up with the cold if it was as a result of snow. No snow and cold weather made a very unhappy April.
"Hot chocolate ?" He offered, walking with her to the kitchen. She had taught him a while back how Kepner's make Hot Chocolate and like anything in the Kepner household it had to be from scratch.
"Sure. Marshmallows ?"
"Of course."
He began melting chocolate, and looked up to see April looking back at him in surprise.
"From scratch ?"
"Only way to make hot chocolate, Kepner." He smiled back at her, a part of him even happier that she looked really proud of him.
She took the mug into her hands, sipping slowly, a moan of pleasure coming from her mouth which instantly made him feel uncomfortable.
"Jackson, why the hell do you have an undecorated Christmas tree in the middle of your living room ?" She asked, bringing him out of his very forbidden thoughts.
"Hm ? Oh yeah ... uh ... You know, I ... I still have time left, so ..." He replied, scratching his head.
"You thought you'd wait until the last minute? Jeez. Okay come on, do you have ornaments?" She asked, collecting them when he pointed out their location.
She handed him a box and began decorating the tree. What he would never admit to her is that the reason he couldn't bring himself to decorate the tree was her. When they had been together, the tree decoration had almost been a contest to see how best he could distract her from her activities, constantly interrupting her with kisses. Whenever he picked up a piece he'd remember that and so here he was with a bare tree days before Christmas - which to April was an offence against humanity.
He more or so watched her decorate than anything else. He loved watching her mind at work, thinking the best placement of the pieces, the way she gracefully moved around the tree, the way her sweater ran up her torso revealing soft creamy skin ... He snapped out his thoughts realising that if he was ever going to be friends with her he'd have to stop allowing himself to think like that. It was easier said than done, he thought, grimacing.
"All done." She replied a while later, having let him lift her up to put up the star, which had resulted in his previous convictions completely crumbling to dust. "This is nice. You know all we're missing is a fireplace. Apartments are useless."
"We're not in a Christmas movie, April. We don't need a fireplace." He commented, taking a seat in front of the tree. He had to admit it did add a lovely ambience to the place.
"Fine ..." She said, whispering, "Grinch."
He laughed at her adorable quirks. If only things were different, he thought.
"Okay ! So ... the reason I came here ! Gift number one." She said, walking up to her coat to retrieve the gift, while he made a trip to his room to get hers.
"You're going to love this." Jackson said, once he sat back down in front of the redhead handing her his gift.
"Alright, geez ... cocky much." She teased him, sticking her tongue out while unwrapping her gift. It wasn't long before she was squealing excitedly while clapping her hands together.
"My own embroidered stationary? Oh my god ! It's so beautiful !" April commented, a hand still over her mouth in excitement. He laughed thinking how most people would find his gift utterly boring, but the thing is April had a deep rooted love for pretty stationary and had been talking about getting her own set for a while. It was rose gold themed, her personal favorite and as she suddenly gasped and noted how each item in the set included, in addition to her name, a tiny drawing of red hair above a scrub top.
"Oh I love it love it love it ! Thank you, thank you !" She talked excitedly, throwing her arms around Jackson to show her appreciation.
"Alright, my turn !" He said, pointing at the envelope she was hiding behind her. She nodded in agreement, carefully setting aside her own heavy gift set and handed him over the gift. He was all the more curious because it took the form of an envelope.
"April ..." He began, unable to believe what she had gotten him, "How did you get these ?"
She smiled back at him, "Do you like it ?"
"Do I like- YES ! This is ... This is amazing ! THANK YOU." He said, running his hands over his head, unable to comprehend what he was holding. "Two tickets to the Boston Celtics All Star game ?! These sold out within 5 minutes. HOW ? I've been looking for these for MONTHS."
"I know the sports doctor for the team. We met at a conference this year and I befriended her. She owed me a favour. You told me last month how you really wanted to go." She replied.
"April, these tickets are so expen-" He began, but was quickly shushed by his counterpart.
"If you can spend a fortune on stationary then I can spend as much as I like on these tickets. Plus, I know how much this means to you. So ... worth every penny." She said, rubbing his arm gently.
He understood what she was referring to, but was still in shock at the gift. Not only was it incredibly amazing (they were floor seats as well !) but it was also incredibly sentimental. She had really put thought into the gift and that's what made him love it that much more. April would never give you a gift she didn't attach sentiment behind, there was always a reason. And this one, this reason was something only she knew.
"April, I can't take this picture if you keep squirming. Stay still." Jackson said, holding the camera in one hand, and attempting to steady April's body. She was twisting around, the side of her face buried into her pillow, incessantly giggling. He hadn't expected the whole ordeal to be this difficult when he had asked her for a 'private' picture some days ago. She had blushed throughout the entire conversation, trying her best not to show him how uncomfortable it was making her, especially when he was justifying the request by saying that she had always been breathtaking to him just after they had sex. She had agreed to it back then, not out of pressure, he would never do that to her, but because she wanted to. It was out of her comfort zone, but he knew that she secretly loved him having a photo of her that was meant for his eyes only. However, as was with all things she did, overthinking was slowly ruining what she had initially felt was a good idea.
They had been lying in bed, having already made love twice, kissing and whispering sweet nothings as most couples crazy in love do. He was clad in his boxers while she was only very partially covered by a thin white sheet that did a very bad job at hiding much of anything. They had had the day off, and had chosen to spend it in their favorite place, their bedroom. Since the first time he had made love to her, not giving note to her massive freak out after, he had known that they had an unbelievable physical chemistry. He had been with plenty of women before April, so he had known, clear as day that what they had wasn't anything ordinary.
"Sweetheart if you changed your mind then you can just tell me that okay? I don't ever want you to do something you're not 100% okay with. This is as much for you as it is for me. I think you secretly find this whole thing kind of hot. But if I'm wrong, you say the word and we're done here, alright?" He said, softly pulling her face towards his, letting his gorgeous blue-green eyes penetrate hers.
"No, no I want to do this. You're right, it is ... really sexy ... I just ..." She looked away from him, avoiding his eyes.
"Are you ... Are you scared I'll show these to anyone ? You don't think I'd ever ..."
"Of course not Jackson ! I never thought that ... I mean, you know, as a woman you worry, that's normal. You have to understand the amount of slut shaming that'll happen if someone uses this against me, but I trust you ... It's not that, okay ?" She replied, stroking his cheek and pushing herself up to plant a soft kiss on his lips.
"I get it. I would never do that. Okay, then what's this about, hm ?" He asked, running his hand down her thighs. He heard her quietly gasp at the sensation, and smirked to himself. With April, even the slightest touch was enough. Her sensitivity to his actions turned him on more than he'd ever admit.
"I ... can't concentrate when you do that." She said, grasping his hand and bringing it up to her lips to softly place to kiss on his palm. "It's insecurity issues and stuff, you know the deal. Just ... Take it, okay."
She let go of his hand, looked straight on to the camera smiling. He paused a while, moving the lens out of the way and dropping a kiss to the space between her breasts.
"I love every single inch of you. You should too. Not because I love it, but because you love it. That's how self confidence works. Okay ?" He murmured, his gaze directed at her, although his mouth was still on her skin.
She silently nodded, a deep blush evident on her face. He quickly snapped a picture, because in that moment, her skin flushed, her eyes gazing lovingly into his, she had never looked more beautiful.
"I love you." He said, placing the camera on the night stand and leaning down to kiss her, before flopping down on the bed next to her.
"Well this will last me through Christmas." He joked, winking back at her.
He was going to visit April's family for the first time, and although he'd already met her parents, it had still been terrifying for him. It would be the first time he'd meet them as her boyfriend, and as far as he knew, April's father kept a very real, very much loaded gun at his house. His worries had been for nothing he later learned. The Kepner's were warm people, the kind of family he'd always dreamt of having. Sure, her dad hasn't been receptive to him at first, but by the end of the trip, he'd pass a right of passage - gotten a pig named after him.
"You perv !" She replied, smacking him across the chest, laughing aloud at his comment, "Can you go for 3 days without thinking about sex, please ?" She replied, clearly teasing his inability to keep his hands off her.
"No can do, babe."
April giggled, edging closer to him, resting her chin on top of his chest.
"Hey, I'm so glad you're going to Ohio." She smiled at him, and he couldn't help but smile back at her, because as terrified as he had been, seeing her happy had made it all worth it.
They had laid there quiet for a while, his hands slowly stroking her skin, until she had broken the silence.
"Jackson, are you ever going to ask me to go to Boston with you ?" She asked, tentatively. Jackson remembered panicking in that moment, but he soon realised she was truly curious as opposed to upset.
"Um ... sure." He replied, failing miserably at avoiding the question. He wasn't really in the mood to explain to April the complexities of his family relationships.
He saw she was now beginning to get upset even though she hadn't been at first. He should have known that avoiding the question would only raise more questions from her. He saw her stare at him, an expression of hurt eventually crossing her features. He knew immediately what she was thinking.
"Oh no no no. If you're thinking for even a second that the reason I'm hesitant to take you home has anything to do with you, I'm going to be really offended. You should know better than that. I love you, and I want to ... I don't know, shout from a rooftop about how you're mine so don't you dare. Plus, you met my mom. She loves you. That's enough family right there."
"Jackson, I adore your mom too, but I want to meet the rest of your family. Your cousins ... and friends." She replied.
"I have one friend from college I still keep in touch with and he lives in China, so if he ever visits, then by all means, you can meet him and my cousins are nothing like you think they are. They aren't going to be happy for me because I'm in a relationship. If anything they'll be offended that I'm with you because I love you and not because you benefit the Avery family in some way. Avery relationships are like contractual agreements so trust me, you do not want to meet my cousins." He said.
"Okay, fine, then I want to meet your grandad. And before you say anything, it has absolutely nothing to do with him being Harper Avery. I couldn't care less. The only reason I want to meet him is because he's your closest family after your mom."
"April, my grandad is nothing like you're imagining him. He's not ... warm. He's distant and cold and you'll probably hate him after spending 5 minutes with him. He'll make snide remarks about your specialty and do everything he can to intimidate you as much as possible. Then, he'll tell me to get my head out of the gutter and focus on the medicine because 'Averys are born into greatness' and having a life outside work will hold me back. There you go, that's pretty much you meeting my grandad."
"I can handle it." She replied, shrugging her shoulders.
"I know you can. But you shouldn't have to. No one should." He sighed.
"Like you ?"
"April ... I just - I don't understand why you're so insistent."
"Because I love you ! And I want to know the man I love inside and out. That includes figuring out how he grew up and the people he grew up with. Jackson, he's your family. And no matter how crazy your family drives you, you bear with it and love them regardless. Because that's what family does."
"No that's what YOUR family does. I knew you wouldn't understand, I just ..."
"Okay okay I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push it. I'm sorry. I love you."
He reluctantly accepted her kiss. He wasn't mad at her. He was mad at the fact that he didn't grow up in a normal enough family that he could feel confident taking his girlfriend home and not be scared to death that she'd leave him the moment they get back.
"Just ... Tell me one thing you love about your grandad, hm ? Please. For me ?"
He sighed exasperatedly but they both knew that he'd never deny her anything.
"Let's see ... He's a great surgeon. Brilliant, really. I respect that. I'm ... proud sometimes you know." He was hitting the tip of the iceberg and he knew it. If he wanted to satisfy her he'd have to be a lot better than that and he knew it. "Okay, also, we go to a Celtics game. Every year. Together. It's kind of weird how out of all the things we'd bond over, it was basketball. Um ... My ... dad, well he's the reason we both got into basketball. He was crazy about it. Maybe I love it because we get to pretend we have a normal relationship one day a year, pretend that we don't spend the majority of our lives trying to tip toe around the way we changed after ... him. We get to pretend that he doesn't try to make me the son he lost and I don't try to challenge him at every point to prove to myself I'll never be my father ... Or maybe, I get to pretend that I'm going to a game with my dad and he gets to pretend he still has his son around. I don't know what we get out of it to be honest, but ... Whatever it is, it's nice."
She had taken him by surprise then, kissing him vigorously. She moved up towards his lap, straddling him, leaning forward to press her forehead against his.
"You are an incredible man and I am so lucky that you're mine." She said, rubbing her nose softly against his. It was their thing, he had noted. Although both of them had always been very vocal with the way the feel, sometimes he didn't have to. He'd caress her nose with his and he knew she understood exactly what he was trying to tell her.
"You know you're going to have to take me to Boston eventually right ?" She asked, but this time her voice was more teasing.
"I know." He replied, running his hands on either side of her thighs, swiftly flipping them over, earning him a squeal from April.
"When you're ready." She said, arching her back when he lovingly caressed her inner thighs.
"You know what I am ready for though ?" He replied, smirking at her as he pressed his hardness against her thigh.
She laughed jovially, pulling him down towards her to kiss him soundly on the lips.
He had eventually taken her to Boston, the year after that conversation, for the Harper Averys. It has turned out he had been worried for nothing. She had charmed the pants out of Harper, winning his heart completely. It had been a tough introduction, Harper maintaining his cold, disengaged mannerism, until chance had come and Jackson had had to leave April alone with Harper for an hour. When he returned home, they were watching one of Harper's old surgeries, and his grandfather, who rarely ever smiled, was laughing loudly at whatever commentary April was making. Jackson knew he should've never doubted it. April was real, she was down to earth and modest. She was kind and loving and it was obvious to anyone who gave her their time of the day that she had nothing but the purest of intentions.
"So I called Harper and he said he'll reschedule a surgery to come. Isn't that sweet ?" April said, snapping him out of his memory. He smiled and nodded even though he knew that had more to do with her than him.
"Thank you. This means ... a lot." He replied, unable to fully formulate how much it meant to him exactly. It wasn't the tickets, sure the fan in him was excited, but it was what those tickets meant. She was making sure that he didn't miss out on his relationship with Harper, because she knew he was the closest thing he had to a father. He appreciated the way she looked after him, even if they weren't together.
"My pleasure." She replied, blushing at his gaze.
Their moment was interrupted by the doorbell. He got up and went to answer the door, opening it to find Mara standing in front of him.
"Hi !"
"Hey ... uh what are you doing here ?" He said, hoping that whatever she needed didn't require her coming in.
"I think I left - April. Hey !" Mara said, waving past him.
He really wished this wasn't happening right now.
"Hi Mara. How's uh ... How's the holidays ?" April asked, evidently uncomfortable with the situation.
"Cold and angry, actually. It doesn't even snow in Seattle." Mara replied, shrugging her shoulders in discontent.
"Exactly what I was saying ! I would be fine with the cold ..."
"If it at least snowed." Mara finished her sentence, laughing along with the redhead. Jackson wasn't sure if he was entirely okay with them bonding. He knew the reason April was trying to be so friendly was because she wanted to support him in his new relationship. Except this wasn't a relationship and he wanted her to be jealous, instead of seemingly totally okay with it.
"Anyway, um ... I should probably get going." April said, starting to make her way to the door.
"Oh, you can stay. I actually just came back to get my coat. I left it here last night." Mara said.
He really wished she hadn't insinuated that she'd been here last night. He knew she didn't mean anything by it, but he could see the shift in April's attitude all of a sudden. The jealousy he had longed to see only broke his heart a little more.
"No I mean I should get going, anyway, I ... uh ... I have to go buy gifts for my other friends and stuff. You know how crazy it gets closer to Christmas. I will ... see you two around. Bye." April quickly muttered, swiftly exiting the house, after an awkward wave.
He sighed, watching April get into the lift, angry at himself and, although this was quite unfair,angry at Mara for ruining the moment. If they were even having a moment that is, he thought. For all he knew he could have just been imagining it in his head.
"So if you're done longingly staring at your ex-girlfriend, can I please have my coat ?" Mara said, interrupting his thoughts. Jackson began to stutter out an excuse, taken back by her bold declaration, until she put up her hand indicating him to stop.
"Look, I knew you were still very much in love with April when we started sleeping together. You don't go from not being able to keep your hands off of each other to being completely platonic. Seriously, you two know you're in public, right ? Get a room. Why did you break up anyway ?" Mara asked.
"I ... Uh ..."
"Alright fine you don't want to tell me, don't. Look, I don't care for relationships. I don't. I may never even want to be in one ... ever. But you're not me. You may act like this casual thing works for you and it may even have worked for you in the past, but then you met April, right ? And then you realised that relationships are pretty awesome if you're with the right person ? Textbook stuff. I did psych as my minor. I mean, Catherine loves her. And Harper ... He rarely even smiles and he looked like a kid walking in a candy store the day she came to visit Mass Gen and he walked around introducing her to everyone."
Jackson was completely shocked at the amount of information Mara knew about his relationship. Before this year, they'd met once at Mass Gen, when he'd come to collect April after his grandad, as Mara had noted, finished showing off his new favorite person.
"How do you ..."
"I'm not a stalker, don't worry. Anyone with eyes can see how all over each other you two were. Look, I'm not your friend so I'm not going to give you a pep talk or something but ... April is sweet. She's quite adorable actually, and if she was into girls, I'd be sleeping with her, not you." She continued, drawing a look of surprise from Jackson.
"You're ..."
"Bisexual ? Yep. You're both good people and you deserve to be happy, so I am going to stop sleeping with you so you can stop using us as one of the excuses as to why you can't get back together with her. Don't deny it, I know you do it. Oh and the other excuse is what ? The cute paramedic she's dating ? Really ? You can take him. So, if you don't mind I'll have my coat now so I can get going. Thanks." She finished her speech, extending her arm forward.
"Er ... Right. Yes. The coat." He quickly grabbed it and handed it over to her.
"See ya. Make me not getting laid for a while worth it, Jackson. Merry Christmas." Mara said, as he closed the door behind him.
After the initial shock of the conversation had died off, he actually found the whole situation hilarious. Afther all, e wasn't upset at all about the fact that he was no longer seeing her; he merely hadn't expected it to end that way. With her schooling him about his mistakes with April. He shrugged the whole thing off, realising that even if he dealt with Mathew, nothing would change. They were still too different to work. At least that's what he'd keep telling himself until it got easier. He was too afraid to marry her and she really wanted to.
He noticed his phone ringing, and saw that it was his grandfather calling. Speak of the devil, Jackson thought, hitting the answer button.
"Hey Grandpa."
"Jackie ! April called me and told me about the tickets she got you. Did you two get back together ?"
"No grandpa, we didn't ... We're playing ... um ... She just decided to give her gift in early, that's all."
There was a significant pause on the other side of the line, before Harper replied.
"Oh."
They continued to remain silent, each unsure of what to say to the other. Jackson knew he was disappointed, the initial tone of happiness completely gone from his voice, replaced with the business like tone of Dr Harper Avery, the man he battled to ends with.
"So how's the board doing ?"
Jackson finally asked, breaking the awkward silence.
"Oh cut the crap, Jackson. You don't care about the board. I mean, I wish you did. Of course. But let's give it a rest for a minute. I don't want to fight you. I want you to know, however, that out of all the idiotic decisions you've made in your life, agreeing to break up with April was the dumbest one so far."
"Thanks grandpa, you're so nice."
Jackson replied, sarcasm evident in his tone. It wasn't that he disagreed with his granddad. He had known it was the single biggest mistake he'd ever make in his life right after it had happened, but he had already gotten a lecture from one person today. He didn't need another one.
"You know I'm right."
"You're the one who's always told me that relationships don't matter. Legacies do. You've told me that multiple times."
"And when have you ever listened to me ? This has nothing to do with me and you know it. This has to do with ..."
Jackson knew what he was hinting at. He was surprised that Harper didn't know that having that conversation with him was the equivalent poking a very angry bear.
"It doesn't have to do with that, not everything in our lives has to do with that. He's not that important."
He heard Harper sigh on the other end of the life.
"Then ... you're what ? Rebelling against me ? I tell you I like her and suddenly you don't ?"
He was livid at the point. He would never do that to April. Never use her as a plot to anger his grandfather. He hated anyone undermining his love for her.
"You think I would ever use April that way. I love her so much, how dare you even -"
"Exactly my point ! You love her. You still do. So what happened ?"
It was Jackson's turn to sigh. He didn't need this. Especially not from Harper, a man who until very recently had never involved himself in Jackson's life.
"We're not going to sit around and pretend we suddenly talk about my private life. You don't get to not care for years and then suddenly care a lot. It doesn't work like that."
"You're right."
"Look, I gotta go-"
Jackson was about to end the call when Harper interrupted.
"I ... I should've made up for you not having your father around. I didn't. I regret that. I regret letting him leaving affect what we had. You're so much like him, Jackie. It was hard ... to be around you. I just ... This girl is something really special. I can tell. She's going to fix you. You have to let her."
"I have to go now."
"You're not going to walk out on her, Jackson. You're a lot like him, but you're not him."
He was speechless for a while. This was his fear. The reason he was afraid of getting married. What if it was restraining? What if it suffocated him ? Was that what had happened with his father ? Is that why he left ? Would he leave too ? Is that what marriage and legacy does ? It makes people leave. Would the pressure of his legacy get to him so much that he would one day be compelled to break the vows he made to April. Would he hurt her the way his father had hurt his mother ? He never thought Harper would be the person to understand.
"Wha- I ..."
"I know a lot more than you think."
He did, Jackson thought. But he wasn't ready to admit it to himself. It was a hard conversation. It required bringing to light years of grief he'd refused to deal with.
"I'm getting a page I have to go."
"Alright, just ... think about it."
"Bye grandpa."
Jackson ended the call, thinking about how absolutely weird today had been. He got schooled by the last two people he had ever thought would hold his mistake over his head. But then he looked at the table, noticing the 2 tickets and realised maybe this was a sign. The universe repeatedly telling him that maybe it's not too late to correct his wrongs. Here was this girl that loved him so much that she had taken the time to open him up, make him vulnerable, discover his flaws and love him, not despite them, but because of them. They were made for one another, complete strangers could see it. However, he figured getting her back was selfish. He would hurt her eventually. Wouldn't he ? Maybe he wouldn't. He didn't know. But he knew the one thing his grandfather was unequivocally right about - she really was something special. He was just afraid of burning her out.
THANK YOU FOR READING ! Please let me know what you thought by leaving a review. :)