Hi everyone ! Hope your having a lovely New Year :) I had this chapter written for over 2 weeks now but my laptop broke and I only got it back today. So I am so sorry for the late upload. Thank you, as always, for you kind words - it always warms my heart that you enjoy my stories. This chapter is from April's POV and is a little longer than the other ones because it'll be the only chapter from her POV. I hope you all enjoy ! :)
Disclaimer : I do not own the characters, they are property of Shonda Rhimes and Grey's Anatomy
22nd of December
April had, since she was a little girl, been absolutely fascinated with snow. She figured it had to with her love of Christmas, it being particularly easy to get into the Christmas spirit when snow was in abundance. This made the fact that it barely snowed in Seattle a constant bummer. So when she woke up this morning to Seattle covered with, albeit a very thin, coat of snow, her reaction equaled that of a 6 year old. So here she was, clad only in a big coat covering her pyjamas, wearing her snow boots, in her small garden, making snow angels on the ground. Her neighbours were going to assume she was mentally unstable but she didn't really care about that right now.
"See, now I came to pick you up to take you to the hospital for work, but something tells me I might have to make a stop at the pscyh ward." She quickly sits up straight, when she hears Jackson's voice behind her, blushing slightly at having been caught by him.
"IT SNOWED !" She yelled, picking up a fistful of snow and throwing it around her. She grinned back at him, to find him looking back at her with amusement.
"I can see that. Now come on, we have to get to work and I don't need you dying from hypothermia." He extended his hand, indicating for her to take it. She shrugged it off, her body tingling at the contact she had made with his arm. She hated how the slightest touch, the mere brush of his fingertips against her skin left her feeling like she was on fire. It really wasn't helping her.
"We don't have to leave for another hour ! I don't even know why you're here so early. Let's just please sit down and enjoy the snow, please." She smiled up at him, knowing he had never been able to resist her puppy dog eyes.
"Fine, but you have to wear my turtleneck. I know you're freezing. You don't feel the cold right now because you're on an adrenaline rush but the moment you go inside your whole body is going to feel like it's frozen." He said, not waiting for an answer to take it off, handing it to her and putting his coat back on.
"But you'll freeze !" She exclaimed, as he sat down next to her.
"I'll be fine. Promise. I can retain heat. Your body on the other hand kinda sucks at doing that so ..." He said, shrugging his shoulders. His face immediately changed however when he realised what he had said. She smiled sadly as well, a tint of red evident in her cheeks. It took knowing a person quite … intimately to know how much heat radiates off their bodies. Also, she knew he was thinking about the times when she'd cuddle up into him, perched on his lap, her arms around his neck and her legs intertwined with his, hoping to get warmed up. It wasn't a memory she wanted to ponder over, especially considering how thinking about how they used to be always made her want to cry. She had started off the morning happy, and was determined to keep it that way.
She slowly put the turtleneck over her head, and discreetly smelled the inside of its collar, revelling in the fact that it was the perfect blend of his favourite cologne, the dunking donuts coffee he drank every morning and managed to spill on his shirt every single time and a smell so distinct to him she could identify it anywhere. She wasn't entirely happy that he was cold at her expense but she did love the way the turtleneck smelled like him. His coat she'd snagged from him when they were together, the one she'd kept after she left him because she had slept with it on for a good month after, had now begun to smell like her. So this was a treat.
She knew she had no right to feel this way. After all, she's the one who ended it. He had wanted to get an apartment together and a dog and she had wanted something more, marriage to be precise and so she had left him. It didn't mean she stopped loving him though. She didn't think that was possible now that she thought about it. She hadn't really been thinking clearly that night and the next morning she had almost run to him, but she held her resolve. She had changed a lot after Jackson, she was different because of him. She had never imagined being so liberal and independent when it came to her religion and she had never thought she'd lose her virginity well before her marriage. But those aspects, as freeing as they were to her, made her want to cling on to the things that she had wanted from her childhood that she could still have, married with a family being one of them. She had been so sure at the time that this was the best decision for both of them. That they would both be happier if they went different ways. But sometimes, and if she was been really honest, most of the time, she wondered how on earth she was ever going to find someone that she could ever love even half as much as she loved him. She'd be lying if she said there weren't times when she wanted to say screw marriage and walk up to him and kiss him senseless and ask him to take her back, but something always held her back. She still couldn't decide how important it was to her to be his wife and not his girlfriend. She had been taught to never settle for less than what she wanted and she knew from the bottom of her heart that Jackson deserved so much more than someone who loved him but constantly expected more. And even if she did figure it out, he had Mara, a fact she tried so hard to be happy about, no matter how miserably she failed at it.
"I … have your second present with me actually." He spoke up, breaking her inner monologue, looking up at her in excitement. She was amused at how enthusiastic he was about something he was initially whining about.
"I have yours too ! Go in and bring it. It's on the coffee table in the living room." She watched him get up and go to retrieve it, coming out of the house carrying the large basket of favours with a boyish grin on his face.
"A GAG GIFT ? Oh this is awesome !" He practically bounced towards her, plopping down in front of her depositing the basket of goodies. She had gotten him a custom basket of 'fake bacon flavored' goodies, ranging from bacon chewing gum all the way to bacon toothpaste. Jackson's sense of humour was very specific, he very rarely laughed at stupid, senseless things, opting for smarter humour. But gag gifts were the exception. He found them absolutely entertaining. The day she'd gotten him a Bath and Body works home spa set after he had used her strawberry cupcake scented body wash by mistake and proceeded to be teased mercilessly by Alex the entire day, he had confessed to her that she found the whole concept of gag gifts endearing; it was a physical representation of an inside joke. She hadn't realised he was so sentimental.
"Oh my god this tastes awful." He commented popping a 'bacon toffee' into his mouth, laughing at the ridiculous amount of treats she had gotten him.
"I thought you could use this. I know how much you miss Bacon and this is closest I could find to it." She replied, watching him spit out a bacon mint.
"Oh yeah, this definitely satisfies my cravings." He replied sarcastically, opening a packet of bacon chocolate drops.
During a Christmas visit to the farm in Ohio, Jackson, in a hilarious turn of events, had ended up helping April and her father deliver their pregnant sow's babies, and as a result had the opportunity to have a new baby pig named after him. Before their return to Seattle Jackson had warmed up so much to the little pig that he had vowed to never eat bacon. Being that bacon was one of his favorite foods, April recalled the constant struggle he had had sticking to his resolve. She loved coming home to find him moping because Alex had eaten a bacon burger in front of him, convinced he was doing it to drive him mad - not that April found this theory to be wrong.
"This is surprisingly edible ! I love this. Thank you !" He said, grinning, "Okay, so … my turn. You clearly won the last round so hopefully I've done better this time."
April opened her mouth to protest but was quickly interrupted by Jackson asking her to turn around and close her eyes.
"Jackson, if this is jewelry, I swear I will …"
"Okay, you can open them !"
April sighed, opening her eyes and immediately gasping in surprise.
"Jackson … this is … oh my god."
"I'm going to take it that you like it ?" He asked, a proud smirk spreading across his face.
"Of course I do !" She replied, rolling her eyes at his smirk, her mind still unable to wrap around what he had gotten her.
He'd clasped around her neck, a small and beautiful necklace which held a pendant in the shape of a stethoscope connected to a cross placed inside a heart. It was detailed and complex and yet was so tasteful and elegant. But what caused tears to prickle in the back of her eyes was the message behind this. Why this particular piece of jewelry, why this pendant. Her religion was a milestone in their relationship, a good and bad one. She knew exactly why he had gotten this for her.
April had been sitting in the confessional stand for a good 10 minutes now. She had purposely waited until everyone has had their turn just so she was sure she wanted to confess in the first place. After almost quitting a few dozen times, she'd finally made the decision that maybe a confession will finally help her come to terms with what had happened last week. But there she was now, sitting in the stand, the priest patient as ever, only asking her one more time what she would like to confess, unable to formulate a sentence. She wondered how one goes about confessing her particular situation. She could be as vague as possible and hope he got the hint, 'I have had relations with a man, father. I am no longer pure.' It sounded absolutely ridiculous, like she wa in a terrible 1940s sitcom. So she could be blatant, 'I had sex with my boyfriend of two months. I am no longer a virgin. I don't know how to feel about that because I really loved every single second of it ... a lot." But she figured that the latter was bound to give her priest a heart attack. So here she was with no idea whatsoever as to how to put the whole thing forward.
"My child, are you ready for the confession ?" Father Thomas, asked, his voice dripping with genuine concern. He was probably worried she was dead or something, April thought.
"Um ..." She was almost going to say it, but she couldn't. Maybe it had more to do with the fact that she wasn't ready to come to terms with it herself. "I ... I have to go."
She quickly gotten up and run from the stand, not looking back to see if he had come outside to see who it was that had wasted so much of his time. She felt bad, admittedly. So she'd decided that the next best thing to do was to go to the grocery store next to the church and get herself one of those Ben and Jerry's individual cups she treated herself to every Sunday after church. She figured it probably wasn't the healthiest thing in the world, but she ate pretty healthy most of the week and rarely had a sweet tooth if it wasn't for ice cream. She picked one up and walked over to the park and picked her favorite bench before she sat down to eat.
It had been pretty peaceful for a while, until a voice, which belonged to the person she'd been avoiding for a good week now, interrupted it.
"So, when you used to secretly sneak off somewhere every Sunday, I used to think you were going all part time spy on us but you're actually going to church and guilt eating ice cream. I should've known."
She gasped, almost dropping her cup, quickly turning around to identify the voice. Jackson stood right behind her bench, looking at her with a smirk on his face, although the smile didn't reach his eyes.
"Jackson ... I ... uh ... How did you-" April really hadn't expected to see him here.
"Uh, I didn't stalk you, promise. I just kinda followed you around ... without you knowing ... to find out where you're going, yeah, okay I was stalking. Just ... I have good reasons, I promise," He said, coming around to stand next to her, pointing towards the space asking for permission to sit next to her. She obliged, scooting away, giving him some space, making sure there was a considerable distance between them. "See, here's the problem. I recently had sex with my absolutely amazing in every way girlfriend and I personally thought it was pretty incredible but I'm kind of worried, you see because when I woke up the next day, she kind of freaked out and ran out on me and has since refused to even acknowledge my presence. And I ... have absolutely no idea what to think about it."
April cringed at his straightforward approach to the issue. He'd pretty much summed up her entire week since ... that day. She had lost her virginity. She was no longer a virgin. And still to this day, every time she said it out loud she was mixed with a whole bunch of contradicting emotions that made absolutely no sense to her. She felt sad, angry, frustrated but also happy, ecstatic and this one emotion she couldn't place which had made her want to jump Jackson whenever he so much as said her name.
"April ... I ... I mean, I can assure you that if it was that bad, it could probably most likely be because it was your first time. I can assure you I'll get bett-"
"Oh no. God no, it wasn't ... it wasn't ... um ... It was really ... It felt really good. I mean, I loved every single sec- uh ... Yeah, it's not ... THAT." She replied, laughing in frustration. Because this right here was the worst part of all this. April had being raised to not believe in sex before marriage. Sure, most of it had to do with her church and her promise to Jesus which she valued a lot, being a devout Christian, but it also had a lot to do with her own reasons. She wanted to wait for her husband, because for her, sex was special, it meant something more than a means to an end. Not that April thought there was anything wrong with viewing sex in that manner, to each their own she figured, but to her, it symbolized a sense of complete trust and adoration towards another person. So the fact that she had lost her virginity to someone who wasn't her husband made her unhappy for more reasons than just one.
"Okay ... then what's wrong ?" He asked, interrupting her thoughts.
"Noth- nothing's wrong. I- I have to ..."
"You go to church ? I didn't know that ... I didn't know you were religious. Why didn't you tell us ?" He asked, softly placing a hand on her thigh.
"Please, Jackson. Like I could've told anyone that." She replied, scoffing at the idea.
"Why not ?"
"Why not ? Because I'm weird enough already. Add believes in God to that list, and they'll not only think I'm a complete weirdo but also think that I'm a bad doctor." She really couldn't understand why he didn't get her need to hide this fact. She had wanted to fit in, craved it more than anything after years of being the outsider. And she didn't want anything to affect that. It hurt her that her faith should disadvantage her, she respected their lack of belief so why couldn't why respect hers ?
"Why would anyone-" Jackon asked, looking confused.
"Because you have to put all your faith in medicine. 100% of it. I don't. I also put faith in God, and ... you KNOW they're going to judge me for that. You know that, don't-"
"Okay, okay. Just ... why didn't you tell me ?" He surrenders, raising his arms and nodding his head, letting her know she was right.
"Jackson, you told me explicitly when we first started that you don't believe in the concept of religion. Remember, the patient that refused to get a blood transfusion because of their beliefs ? You were perfectly clear how you felt about people like me." She replied, eyes darting towards the ground.
"April, I didn't ... I'm sorry I didn't make you feel comfortable enough you didn't feel like you could tell me something this important about yourself." He said, sighing heavily, the honesty of his statement evident in his eyes.
"It's alright."
"I ... um ... I don't believe ... at all, really. So I don't really understand why you do, but ... I do respect your right to believe or not believe in whatever you want. Is that ... is that not enough ? Is that why you- Does it matter a lot ? The fact that I don't believe ?" He turned his body towards her, fingers reaching out almost as if he wanted to touch her but unsure whether she'd let him. She both wanted him to and didn't. She couldn't trust herself all that much anymore.
"Not really, no. Kind of." She replied, truthfully, "I was a virgin for a lot of reasons. Some you already know ... Boys not liking me and stuff ..."
"Well, just to be clear, this boy right here likes you very very much." He replied, grinning widely, although she knew he hated it when she put herself down.
"And I like him too ... very very much. But I was also a virgin ... because of Jesus. I wanted to wait, until ... um marriage. I wanted my first time ... to be with my ... husband. And ..." She looked up at him, seeing him register this fact.
"And I'm not your husband."
He leaned back against the bench, stretching his feet ahead of him and gazing upwards. She didn't really know what to say at this point and she knew he didn't either. It was a pretty big revelation, one she knew it her heart she probably should've done earlier on in their relationship.
"Do you regret it?" He finally asked, still staring at the sky, but she didn't need to see his face to know how much the possibility of it would hurt him.
"No. I don't. I mean, I regret how ... soon it happened but not that it happened. Jackson, it's not like I thought you'd wait for marriage. I knew what dating you would entail and ... I wanted to. I wanted to have sex with you. I just ... didn't think it would happen so fast." And that was the truth. She knew he wasn't the type to wait until marriage and she hadn't expected him to, albeit at the time she didn't know that there would be no marriage to wait for. Regardless, she'd expected this would happen but hoped that if it did happen, it would be at a point in their relationship where she was sure that he'd want to be with her for the rest of his life; where it didn't matter that they had sex before marriage because this would end up being the only man she'd ever be with. Not 2 months into their relationship. Never that soon. Sure, she already had a good idea about her feelings towards him, but it was all so new and fast and she wasn't sure he felt the same way. She just wished she had had more will power to resist him for a little longer. At least up until she was sure he was as serious about her as she was beginning to become about him.
"You should have told me that. I would've waited until you were ready." Jackson said, scooting closer towards her.
"I know. I'm sorry." She replied, scooting further away from him towards the absolute edge of the bench.
They sat there in silence, the ice cream melting into a puddle in her cup. She got up and discarded it in the bin, has a quick second panic attack where she contemplates running away but decides against it knowing that if he got this far there was a big possibility Jackson would chase after her and also, she owed him this much. An honest conversation. She walked back to the bench, making her way to take her seat on the hard steel bench, when she feels his hands wrap around her wrist and pull her towards him. He pulled her on to his lap, resting one hand across his neck and clasping the other in his right hand, interlocking his fingers with hers. She was supposed to pull away, she knew that. The proximity she was in to his body was not at all helping her conviction to no longer have lust filled thoughts about Jackson. She'd be lying if she said she didn't absolutely love sitting on his lap. It was the fact that she felt safe in his arms, cocooned in their own little world where they could block out white noise. She was never one for public affection but she could never resist him pulling her towards him, tucking her safely into his body, where her tiny being would disappear into his larger body. She rested her head on his shoulder, faintly feeling the beating of his heart against her cheek. .
"What can I do ?" He murmured quietly against her hair.
This was why she couldn't get enough of him, April thought. He was one of the kindest people she had ever met. Through all if this, her freak out, her running out on him and leaving him wondering for a whole week, his concern was what he could do for her. She knew how she'd be an absolute idiot if she let this go.
When she didn't reply, he slowly lifted her face up to face him, leaning forward and planting a soft kiss against her lips. No matter how short the kiss was it didn't fail to make April feel like she'd run a mile. This wasn't real. People don't feel this way in real life.
"I think that you balance your faith and medicine really well. I mean, no one even knew that after you'd done everything you could in surgery using the gift God gave you, you go to an on call room and pray that the patient gets better. It helps, I guess. Having something else to put your faith in. You're an incredible doctor, and I think being religious has made you a better doctor if nothing else." He said.
He had a point, she figured. She'd never judged others based on her belief and so she'd never had a point in which her religion affected her performance in the hospital. And he was right, her belief that healing people was her purpose in life, God's plan for her, made her a better doctor. Helped her understand her priorities better. It made her smile that he understood her better than sometimes she did. And to think they'd only been together a couple of months.
"Thank you for saying that." She blushed, softly kissing his cheek.
"It's the truth, baby." He grinned back at her, teasing her with his terms of endearment he knows she's still shy about hearing him use.
"Look, I know it's complicated to date me and to figure out how your religion plays into that. So, how about we do that together, hm ? I'll wait for as long as it takes for you to realize that being intimate with me doesn't mean that you're betraying your religion. I'll help you figure the whole thing out. I promise." He replied, cupping her cheek and running his thumbs across the edges of her face.
"Why are you doing this ?" She asked, the shock on her face quite evident. She had never had anyone try to understand her the way Jackson did. Most people got exasperated with her and her quirks and they left. She couldn't understand for the life of her why this man chose to care for her the way he did.
"Because ... I feel things about you that I don't think I'm going to say out loud just yet because I think you're freaked out already about how fast this relationship is going." He replied.
The hint was not lost to her, but she couldn't believe what she was hearing. Did he just say ... Did he just confess that he was falling in love with her ? So soon ? He was feeling the very thing she was afraid only she was beginning to feel.
"It wasn't just sex ?" She asked, with genuine surprise.
"Never." He replied, the sincerely.
"Okay."
"Okay."
She had saved herself for her religion, but also so she could be with a man who loved her. And he did, he loved her. She wasn't letting him go. Sure, she was still riddled with guilt and battling her faith and maybe this was inappropriate to assume but could it be that Jackson was God answering her prayers when she'd spent the majority of her childhood praying for a best friend who'd take the time of understand her and enjoy her company. And maybe he gave her one better; a lover, a partner. She wasn't going to lose him because of her own internal struggle. He's right. She balanced her faith when it came to medicine, she could balance her faith when it came to him as well. Maybe not today, but someday she'd accept what had happened but she could forgive herself enough right now to let herself be loved by an amazing individual. And she could love, in return.
"I um ... I'm not ready to say it right now, but ... I ... have a lot of feelings too." She replied, her gaze locked on her lap which nursed their intertwined hands.
"Okay."
"Okay."
"Come on, I'll get you some ice cream. I know this amazing place nearby that makes the best Sundaes. They also happen to make the best waffles in Seattle." He smirked, setting her down on her feet and clasping his fingers around hers.
"Of course you would know a place like that." She teased him, making fun of his never ending appetite.
"Excuse me, but would you want me to get my sugar fix before Church on Sundays because I can assure you I'll be extremely hyper and it's not going to look good on-"
"Wait, wait ... Church ? Sunday ?" April asked, her big doe eyes staring up at him in confusion.
"You know for when I accompany my girlfriend to church. Can't have you leaving me for one of those church going guys." He replied, the tone of his voice clearly teasing.
"You'll go to church with me ?" She asked, her voice matching the emotion she felt in her heart. She felt herself begun to tear up at the thought.
"Of course. You're my girlfriend. I'm not going to leave you to figure out this whole thing by yourself." He said, slipping his hand from hers to pull her closer to him by her waist.
"I love you." She said out of the blue, although the gravity of what she just said only set in after she'd said it. She gasped, covering her mouth as if she'd just cursed at him. She could see she'd taken him by surprise, but could also see the faint outlines of a smile tugging at his lips. She'd just felt a surge of emotion not having expected him to say what he said.
"Oh gosh, I can't believe I ... Shoot. We said we'd wait and then I go and just say it and I'm such a-"
Her words were muffled by his lips crashing into hers, ending her rambling.
"I love you too."
She had eventually learned to balance her faith with her love for Jackson as she had done with medicine. He accompanied her to church, sat there with her in support and was constantly willing to listen to her if she was battling with her faith. He waited for her after that conversation until she was ready to be with him, guilt free, which had turned out to be only 2 months later. She loved that he cared for that aspect of her, although he didn't understand it. He had told her he wanted her to believe in miracles even if she believed in science and have faith her in her religion even when she loved him intimately. That was what the pendant represented. And that raised a whirlwind of emotions within her.
"Jackson, I can't take this … It's too much." She replied, trying her best to keep her emotions at bay. She wasn't sure what exactly she meant when she said too much. Sure, it looked extremely expensive, what with the white gold chain and diamond encrusted pendant, but she knew that that wasn't what she was referring to. This gesture was too much for her. How was she supposed to convince herself she was right in her decision to leave when he did things like this and reminded her that he knew her and accepted her and loved her unconditionally for who she was more than any other person in her life.
"Of course you can. I've been wanting to give this to you for a while." He said, shrugging his shoulders, adjusting the pendant on her neck. He took his hand away, smiling up at her. "It looks amazing on you."
"I love it so much … I … have no words, actually. It means more than you know." She said, and it was true.
"I still want you to not feel guilty about the things that make you happy. I love how important your faith is to you, but you know … I also love how far you've grown with your faith. You should … keep doing that … even if …" He looked up at her, communicating the words unspoken.
She nodded, her eyes glassy. She knew what he was saying. Even if they weren't together. She should be happy even if they weren't together.
"Thank you." She choked out, feeling his fingers brush her cheek, wiping away a stray tear. She wanted nothing more than to lean forward and kiss him. She wanted to tell him she loved him and kiss him. She wanted that more than anything. But this stupid situation she had put herself and him into meant all she could do was awkwardly stare at the ground because she was too weak to resist him.
"Well you definitely won this one." She replied, laughing along with him.
"Your bacon goodies did provide stiff competition though." He replied, only now taking his hand away from her face.
"I'll go get ready. We're going to be late otherwise. Oh and I have to run my plan for Jacob's surgery by Dr. Bailey."
He nodded, getting up and pulling her along with him. She went in, got changed and drove to the hospital with him, all the while doing her very best to not think about how absolutely special this gift was to her and why all of a sudden it has her questioning decisions she was trying her hardest not to think too much about.
"April !"
She walked in to the ER, Jackson by her side, and saw a familiar face standing by the nurses'desk, waving at her. She forced a smiled and started walking towards Mathew, who she saw stare suspiciously between her and Jackson. She felt like he'd caught them in an adulterous act, even though all they were doing was walking next to each other. Maybe it was the way she knew how she was betraying him with her thoughts about Jackson, but either way the whole thing felt awkward.
"We should prepare Jacob for his surgery tomorrow. I'll meet you in the attending lounge? " Jackson asked, ignoring Mathew's presence entirely. She knew he wasn't trying to be rude, but more so that for obvious reasons he wasn't a fan of Matthew and was probably pretending he didn't exist to be polite.
She nodded and watched him walk off. She felt Matthew's arms snake across her waist, dragging her towards him. He bent his head and slowly pecked her lips, and while on certain days she found it nice, today she cringed at the feeling and then cringed at the fact that she cringed at the feeling. It felt out of place and wrong and she felt bad for feeling that way.
"I could've picked you up this morning if you asked me." He said, placing a stray curl behind her ear and she wondered why unlike with Jackson her skin never tingled at the sensation.
"Oh no that's fine, I just … I hitched a ride with Jackson." She replied.
"Yeah I saw that." He said, his face scrunching in displeasure.
"Hey, no, it's nothing like that. We have a surgery together, you know the one I told you about … Jacob ? and we just wanted to get a head start on discussing the surgery, that's all." She said, placing a kiss on his cheek. She knew that that wasn't entirely too true. They hadn't even discussed carpooling together in the morning. On some days, he merely drove by her place and picked her up. It was a force of habit, something they had always done, and still occasionally do. A harmless explanation, really. But it was one she didn't want to give Matthew because maybe the gesture behind those rides weren't as platonic as she wants them to be. Maybe she doesn't want them to be. She didn't know.
"Okay. No, I mean, I trust you, of course, it's just … he's your ex and I know how- what is that ?" Her eyes followed the direction he was looking at and saw that he was talking about her necklace which had peeped in through her sweater.
"Oh um … It's just a necklace … Anyway- are you working until late-" She tried to divert the conversation, tucking the chain back into her chest.
"It's just I've never seen you wear that before," He said, interrupting her, "I mean, it's not the one you usually have with the cross you got from your parent's."
"Oh yeah, um … it's a different one. Jackson gave it to me for the whole secret santa thing Meredith got us doing, remember I told you about it. I honestly find the whole, wanting to celebrate Zola's last Christmas before the new baby thing so adorable … I mean, unlike Mer ? Sure, but -" She said, waving off the comment, trying her best to once again distract him by her rambles.
"I'm sorry, what ? You're wearing a necklace you're ex-boyfriend got you for Christmas ?" Mattthew asked, suddenly stepping out of their hold.
"Yes I mean, it's not a big deal, I-"
"Not a big deal ? April … I … People don't just give their ex's jewelry for Christmas," Matthew said, running his hand through his hair, "The whole stationery set thing was weird enough – I mean that must have cost a fortune … but THIS. This is ridiculous."
"Mattthew calm down … it's not like that. You're overthinking this. Stop, look, I …"
"Or maybe you're not thinking about this enough. So, you're going to, what, wear it ?" He asked.
"Well, yes, I mean … it was a gift. I'm not going to waste it by keeping it in a box. Look, I just don't think you need to make a big deal about this." She replied, holding on to the chain through her sweater, as if he was insulting it by treating with so much abhorrence.
"April what would you feel like if I went around wearing a chain my ex-girlfriend got me after we broke up ? Would you be completely fine with that ?"
She opened her mouth to reply, but realised that he was making a very valid point. The whole thing was weird. If he'd done it she would totally assume he was still hung up on his ex and dump him then and there. Maybe her own weird, 'friend-who-I'm-in-love-with-but-I-can't-love-because-we're-too-different' relationship with Jackson was making her think this situation was any different.
"Exactly. Look, April-"
"Matthew. We're leaving. Come on. Sorry April, but we gotta run." April looked up, as she saw Matthew's partner Nicole waving him towards her.
"Oh yes, no problem. I'll uh …" She looked up at him, unable to understand what he was thinking, "I'll see you later ?"
She saw him hesitate, but eventually he replied, "Yes."
She squeezed his hand one more time, letting him walk off. She finally let out a heavy sigh, walking towards the attending's' lounge. She wasn't sure if they were okay and she wasn't sure if that made her as unhappy as it should. This whole gift thing was really getting to her.
She walked into the attending lounge, expecting to see the root cause of her ongoing dilemma and instead opening the door to find an unpleasant looking Bailey, grumbling about the fact that the lounge wasn't some zoo for people to prance around naked, spilling food. She silently chuckled to herself as she realised that this definitely had something to do with Jackson changing clothes in the lounge and Alex's messy eating habits. She figured the two had been banished from the lounge until they've finished their respective businesses.
"Morning Dr. Bailey ! It snowed !" April remarked cheerfully, walking into the lounge and getting herself a cup of coffee.
"I am aware of that, Kepner, I have eyes. I hate snow. I hate the cold and I hate how difficult it is to drive in the snow. I hate that people like the stupid crystallised dirty ice water." Bailey replied, not taking her eyes away from the newspaper she was reading.
April sighed at the lack of enthusiasm on the part of her senior, knowing full well that being enthusiastic about snow is the last thing she should have expected Dr. Bailey to be.
"Dr. Bailey, I was wondering if I could run my surgical plan with you, I-"
"No."
"But-"
"No. You are not infants anymore. You are no longer babies. I did not raise you to come running to me every time you have to make decisions by yourself." Bailey commented, the scorn on her face deepening.
April realised there was only one more tactic left to use, "It's for Jacob's surgery."
She immediately saw the change in disposition of the female doctor, who turned around, now a small smile beginning to form, "It's tomorrow ?"
April nodded, knowing that she had already won the battle. Jacob's sweet disposition and loveable antics left no doctor untouched. He'd even seen Yang sneaking into the peds ward to give the little boy a chocolate muffin she'd sneaked in through his parents.
After only hesitating for a second, "Alright, tell me the plan. But this is the last time. You all need to learn to trust yourself to make decisions. I can't be babysitting you forever."
"Yes, well sometimes people make decisions and they're really bad decisions and then you're left wondering if you should have made that decision in the first place because even though it seemed like a really good decision at the start it is now seemingly less and less so and who knows if you made the right decision you know because what is the right decision anyway, I don't-"
"Kepner … KEPNER ! What on god's name are you rambling on about ?"
April looked away absolutely ashamed at unknowingly vocalising her inner debate. She hadn't meant to say it out loud.
"I … uh …"
"Is this about Avery ?"
April wasn't really sure how to respond to that.
"You're regretting breaking up with him ?"
"I mean, I-"
"Kepner, stop stuttering."
"Sorry Dr. Bailey" April replied, although it was evident in her face that she was still very much flustered.
"I swear, this whole hospital is a soap drama. Okay, I will give you 5 minutes. Tell me."
She stared at the surgeon, completely confused at the fact that she was actually taking the time to talk to her about something like this. wasn't exactly the type of person who would sit around, listening to personal grievances, but she did have a knack for hospital gossip. She would never admit it, but April did wonder that the term "I'm Bailey, I know everything" could only be facilitated with at least a slight participation in the gossip mill. She hesitated. This was the last person she'd imagine talking to about this, but then again, who else did she really have to talk about this to ? So, she figured, she might as well.
"He doesn't want to get married," She began, apprehensively looking to see the reaction she would receive from Dr. Bailey. When the latter motioned her to continue, huffing irritably at April's hesitation, she knew she should just reserve her confusion at the conversation she was about to have and get on with it. "I … um … I've always wanted to. Get married, that is. Since I was a little girl. It's just something I've always known about myself. Become a doctor, get married, have babies … you know the deal. I've always been super traditional on that front. And so … I don't know, I always assumed he would want to as well. But he doesn't …. so we broke up … and that's good … right ? yes it is, because Matthew … you know, he wants to get married and have babies and live in a country house with a freaking white picket fence and I should want that … I do … I just … I want it with someone else and that is just the worst …"
She ended her ramblings, noticing a clear shocked expression on the older surgeon, who looked a little taken back by the too honest confession. She quickly recovered, however.
" , is Matthew your Ben ?"
"I'm sorry, is he my – what ?"
"Your Ben ? Is Mathew your Ben ? Is he the boy you love so much you want to superglue yourself to him ?"
If April found the whole comparison completely weird and random she didn't let it show. But the more she really thought of it, it was clear that the answer to the unusual question wasn't something she really needed all that much time to think about.
"No." She replied, honestly.
"Is Avery your Ben ?"
She looked down at her hands, unwilling to admit to herself how fast she came up with the answer to that question.
"I … I – um …"She whispered, her face turning red from the embarrassment of having admitted it out loud.
"You know when I first started off as an intern, I never would have imagined I'd be the attending I am now. I was determined not to get lost in the pack, to be heard. I wasn't here to make friends or whatever other thing I used to think was stupid and a waste of time. I thought I'd turn out to be the mean attending, the one every single person in the hospital would be scared of and I did. I became that person. I loved it. This is what I wanted all along. Right ?" She asked April, waiting for her nod of confirmation. April silently nodded.
"What do you think Intern Baily would have thought about me. Acting like I've adopted a bunch of overgrown cry babies who as much as it pains me to admit I've grown to care about so much that I'm actually sitting here giving them relationship advice. I have Chief Webber and Torres and even Mark Sloan under a list of people I genuinely care about. And I met Ben. And I married him. I never …" She said, smiling to herself.
"Here's the thing about life … You come into it so strong willed and convinced that it will go one way because god help you you know the best, right ? Wrong. You meet people. And those people change you. They make you want things you didn't want before. They make you make sacrifices and they change you. And sometimes, as much as you don't want to change because you're the most stubborn person you know, you do change … because they're worth the sacrifice. You all were worth having to change my policy on babysitting grown ass adults, Torres and the lot were worth letting myself make friends in this place and Ben … he was worth pushing away all the fears I had about marriage because of my ex-husband. I am all for standing your ground, not letting people change you because I am a woman hear me roar. However, some people, , are worth changing for. So … I'll ask you again … is Avery your Ben ?"
April looked back at her, the answer just resting on the tip of her tongue, no doubt in her mind about it.
smiled knowingly, "Well, looks like you already know the answer."
April didn't reply, but merely looked down at her feet.
"Alright, now let's go back to the surgical plan. I don't need you two blotching up Jacob's surgery because of this high school nonsense." She said, waving her hands, although the maternal kindness hadn't entirely left her voice.
After she had left the attending's lounge in search of where Jackson had been banished to, April took some time to process what had just told her. She couldn't help but marvel at the brilliant insight her superior had given her. She was right. People changed, people made choices that were seemingly out of character. She had picked trauma instead of neuro because she'd met a mentor whose faith in her capabilities made her feel special, she'd decided to do her internship in Seattle and not in Ohio because on the day of her Mercy West interview she'd met a pixie haired girl called Reed from a small town in Texas who reminded her that sometimes you need to step out of your comfort zone and she'd lost her virginity to Jackson well before her marriage and eventually came to terms with it because she had realised that she could balance her faith and her sexuality for someone who loved her. People changed you sometimes. They made you want new things … and sometimes that was okay.
THANK YOU FOR READING !
I would love it if you could leave behind a review letting me know what you thought of the chapter :)
P.S : To the guest reviewer who said that she wasn't pleased with me suggesting Jackson slept around a lot - I'm sorry if I offended you but when I was writing his character in this fic (I changed his character a little for the High School AU) what I meant when I said "plenty of women" was that he had at least had 7-10 partners. I mean, we know about 6 of them from the show (April, Mara, Stephanie, Lexie and the 2 girls he lost his virginity to) and he's been having sex since he was 16. Again, sorry if I offended you :) Thank you for complimenting my writing :)