ripped wings & polished rings
.
and there's no guarantee that this will be easy,
it's not a miracle ya need, believe me,
yeah, I'm no angel, I'm just me,
but I will love you endlessly
.
— endlessly, the cab
.
.
Ikuto passes the jewellers every day on his way to the park and wonders when he'll be able to walk in.
He passes that jewellers' store every day and every day his mind is filled with visions of his future; of blush pink and honey gold and his heart thuds steadily in his chest, filled with warmth and hope and determination because he's never been able to envision a future so bright before.
It's something he's struggled with. Ikuto has spent his whole life trudging along in the darkness, blending into the shadows; he's drifted on at the same languid pace, succumbing to the gloom, barely seeing past that very moment because he's never had any inkling of any sort of future at all.
And then she came along — an angel shrouded in stars, her wings soft and comforting, wrapping him into their embrace.
He wonders when it happened — when somehow something changed so drastically in his life to make him feel so free. When was it that they became so much more? Just when was it that he realised that the only reason he had found the will to stand back up and fight was because of this stubborn, naïve, utterly selfless pink-headed rosette who made his heart skip and his breath hitch…
Ikuto can't work out how she does it. How is it that Amu manages to shed light on all she touches, even in those deep, dark places at the back of his mind that no one has ever seen, where never light has shone? He wonders what sort of otherworldly powers she holds in those hands of hers, for her touch, her fingertips — they soothe his soul and heal old wounds; they smooth out all the rough edges; they warm his chilly spirit to the core…
And, for the first time in a long, long time… He thinks that maybe he can see the sun shine on the horizon.
But he can't go in just yet. Ikuto can't bring himself to set but a foot over the threshold of that little jeweller's on the way to the park. It's been years now — (so many years) — and still he feels that his touch would dim any jewel he set a finger upon. He feels that the darkness in his memory would come back to haunt him; that it would sully any ring he laid upon her finger; that his skin is too badly stained beyond repair to sit beside purest ivory.
He feels as if his demons have dragged him beyond redemption and, yes, he flies, for his freedom is all thanks to her, but his feathers are torn and scarred and still sometimes he can feel those nightmares try and call him back to earth.
And, above all, Ikuto is too afraid — afraid to drag her down with him because she is too perfect to live in his shadow. Amu is a diamond. She deserves these jewels — she deserves them so much more than he deserves her — and he'll be damned if she doesn't get one because these diamonds were just made for her. They are perfect; flawless, unscathed; they beautiful beyond words, but are cut from sterner stuff. They weather all life's storms and brave the gales and yet for all their strife they shine ever brighter beneath the pressure.
Amu needs a stone that shines as dazzling as she; that is constant — ever-resilient, breathtaking…
But first Ikuto wonders if he'll ever be worthy to give her one.
He wonders how many more years might pass before he steps into that jewellery store a changed man.
He doesn't want to think about how long she'll even wait.
He has an empty shoebox full of cash in different currencies and he asks himself how dazzling a diamond it might buy.
He glances down at the mere handful of coins sat at the bottom of his violin case and wonders when it will be enough.
(Sometimes he dares to hope that his love for her alone will outshine whatever ring he buys because somehow nothing he can afford seems fit for her.)
Ikuto watches his little brother and wonders why on this good, green earth Amu's still putting up with him when Tadase gleams as bright as gold and pure as platinum…
And yet here he is — his jeans ripped and his hoodie loose against his lean body and his mind still riddled with the shadows of his past — and still she looks up at him with those big, sweet-as-sunshine eyes like he's the only thing she's ever laid eyes upon…
Ikuto laughs to himself because he knows he is weak. He knows he is selfish. He knows that it doesn't matter that he's as dull as charcoal beside something so crystal-clear and pure… Because he's selfish — because he knows he won't be letting go.
And he can't believe his luck.
And so, most of all, Ikuto wonders what on earth he's done to deserve her.
It's inexplicable to him, but, for all the sleep he's lost trying to figure it out, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because all he cares about anymore is slaving night and day to somehow prove to himself that her love won't be wasted on him.
So Ikuto stands with his violin and fiddles until his fingers bleed; he works until he falls asleep in his father's studio; he strains as much as he can out of this starving artist's lifestyle and barely lives on worn clothes and plain food — saving as much as he can, spending as little as his well-being allows. Ikuto does all this and more and he holds her so firm and close in his arms and he prays that she understands — understands that this warmth; this strength; this safety will be ever-present in their lives together for as long as she will allow him in.
Because her life is far more valuable than his.
He wants to be worthy of her…
She is perfect.
And he is not… Even if he does feel complete with every kiss.
She soars above all others.
And Ikuto is too afraid to lift his feet off the ground.
But he doesn't care.
Because maybe one day Amu can mend his wings for him. Maybe one day he can soar beside her and not feel the fear of falling.
Because, even if he is not as perfect as she — even if Ikuto never recognises that radiance that she so insists lives on in his heart…
He will see to it that she continues to shine beside him.
.
.
A/N: Some shameless Amuto cheese for the end of the week! I forgot I had this. Luckily for me it was literally sat in my drafts all ready to post, so here you go!
Too angsty? Too much cheese? Too little cheese? Feel free to share your thoughts!