Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
"Fuck this, I give up."
Murphy pulls my book back. "You can do this."
"I don't want to do this."
"I'll wear the Wonder Woman outfit for you."
Don't fucking judge me. So I have the hots for Lynda Carter. The original Wonder Woman from the 70's. "Will you tie me up with your lasso? I've been real fucking bad."
"That's not the point of her lasso."
"Like fuck it's not. You know how many times I've fired one off to that fantasy?"
"Probably as many times as I've rubbed one out to Jack Nicholson."
"No, you goddamn didn't."
"I like older men."
"Give me the fucking book before I puke." Now all I can think about is her fucking someone that isn't me. There goes my boner.
"Do you want me to burn you fish sticks or chicken nuggets?"
Yeah, so maybe I kinda moved in with Murphy. "Nuggets."
"Don't let me catch you feeding them to Walter again."
"That fucker took them off my plate." I look over at him. "Cannibal."
He squawks back at me.
"I'm going to feed my roses while these burn."
I get up from her bed and walk over to the kitchen window. They're almost in bloom, which means our time is up. I want her to see them bloom more than anything. All the work she's put into them. I've never be more grateful for a bush in all my life. It was the gateway into us getting to know each other further. I look down between my boots when I feel Walter on them. "Unbe-fucking-lievable." This motherfucker shit on my boot. I dig into the bag of frozen chicken nuggets and drop one on the floor. "Whoops." I chuckle as I watch him pluck at this frozen meatsicle feeling a morbid sense of satisfaction. This is so fucking fucked.
I rub my brow becoming overwhelmed as I stare back at the questions on the test. Everything I have worked towards just seems to escape me, and I can't understand any of this. It's not just letting myself down, but all the time Murphy spent helping me. Time she doesn't even have. As I draw my hand back I turn my hand over. My lip coils upward. She's written that she loves me on my wrist. She must have done it when I passed out face first in the books. A second wave comes over me, and I answer questions without hesitation.
When I get home, I walk into her ass sticking up in the air. Christ, not that yoga fuckery.
"Tell me what I want to hear, and I'll stay in this position."
"You ever fucked a coach before?" I grin, scooting up behind her.
"I did bone a-"
"Shut up, Murphy, and just call me coach Negan while I fuck you." As I start to give it to this woman, and I mean give it to her like call the cops because she's being murder screams, I notice the writing again on my wrist.
"Is the stopping part of the roleplay?"
"I love you, too, Murphy." I pull her up and over to her couch, showing her my wrist.
"I know it's there. I wrote it."
"I'd fucking strangle you but it'd probably get you off."
"I wish something would."
You know it's bad when I'm the one not down to fuck. "I wish you would fucking take something seriously. It's not a goddamn joke. I want you to fucking know how I feel because, unlike everyone else, we might not get another chance."
"Would you offer to be by my side, knowing I'm dying, if you didn't love me?"
Murphy had taught me so many things about life. It was like the more she did, the more of a toll it took on her body. I had to call 911 that night because I couldn't wake her up after she fell in the shower. The doctors were able to revive her, but how long before we are back in this same situation? I feel a lot better once I get to speak with her in the morning. Fuck, she just has this hold on me.
"How did I get here?"
"You fell. The doctor said you can't shower alone anymore. I'll have to supervise them."
"If you want nightmares."
"Why would I have nightmares watching you all wet and soapy? Fuck, I'm hard right now."
"Have you ever actually watched a woman shave between her legs. It's horrifying. One leg this way while I'm trying not to slice anything open. I'm telling you, it'll shatter the illusion between us. Let's leave some things a mystery."
"Colonel cluster fuck tried to peck my ass the other day while we were fucking. More than once. Please, tell me how anything is more terrifying than that?"
"Speaking of, we should probably get back and see what he's up to."
"He'll survive. You, get some rest-"
"I love you."
Her actually taking something serious that I've said scares me. It truly makes me feel alone as I watch her sleep. After one of the nurses takes her vitals for the night, I climb into bed with her. "I'm not ready, Murphy. Please, just give me a few more days."
Passing my exam was just the start. Not many places were looking for help, and I don't feel right living off of Murphy's savings. I needed to provide for us.
"The camper is portable, we could always try another place."
"Yeah, but your doctors are here."
"They have doctors in other places."
"What about your garden?"
"Why are you being so combative?"
"Because you're not being fucking honest with me. I found a clump of your hair in the trashcan. A clump, Murphy. How long has this been going on?"
"It's only happened a few times."
"Moving is too stressful as a healthy person and I won't put that on your body." I didn't have to put it on her and catch this woman as she faints. Riding alongside that ambulance, I know it will be the last time.
They move Murphy into a room upstairs rather than ICU. I was given those few days like I had asked, but I didn't do anything with them. I just feel like there's more I should have done for her. Over the next few days, I watch Murphy hang onto her life. I don't want to see her suffer anymore. She can't breathe on her own that well, so they've been giving her oxygen. Just one more machine hooked up to her frail body. Every other day I go home to check on Walter. Sometimes, I'll bring up flowers from Murphy's garden and put them in a vase by her bed, but still no roses yet. Later that week, I get a call on my cell phone. I ignore the number, but they leave a voicemail. It turns out to be one of the schools that had got my information from a high school I applied at. "I have an interview at the middle school."
"That's who that was?"
"Yeah. They want me to come at 5."
"My levels are a lot better today. Don't pass this opportunity up, Negan."
I feel like this is my last chance to make something of myself. "I don't want to leave you."
"It's an hour. Two tops. I'll be fine. Wonder Woman is on."
"Well, I sure ain't going now." As the time starts to near towards five, the antsier I become. "Murphy," I panic when her eyes close.
"Quiet. I'm trying to imagine what you're going to look like in some short gym shorts when you get this job."
Nothing she fucking says surprises me anymore. Not even the fact that she probably really is imagining it. "You pervert."
"So short your ding-a-ling hangs out."
"Alright, Jesus. I'll go to the fucking interview."
"I'm so proud of you," she smiles.
I guess I am, too. I worked really fucking hard to do this. Now if only I could make something of myself. "I want to ask you something." I nudge her a bit. "Murphy?" I feel for a pulse and sigh relieved. She's just sleeping. Maybe it's fucking stupid, but I reach into my pocket and fish out this ring I bought her. It's simple, but it's classy as shit. I slip it on her ring finger. Whether I get this job at the school or not, I'm just happy to have her in my life.
My interview is awkward as fuck. I don't really know what these people are looking for, but it ain't me. I reach a point during the interview where I just shut down. Her phone rings and I use it as an opportunity to sneak out.
"Negan," the principal calls, putting her hand over the receiver. "We look forward to having you on board," she smiles.
"Wha- I…" I got the job? I got the job! "Thank you," I tell her gratefully. "Thank you so much."
I swing by the camper just to check on the roses. There's a single white rose that has bloomed. Finally. Fucking finally, and on the best day of my life nonetheless. I got the job, and her levels are getting better. Now, I didn't know this, but these fuckers have thorns on them. "Goddamn. Shit. Fuck." I pluck this perfect fucker from the bush, and ride about six miles an hour to the hospital so I don't damage the petals. It's a little bloody at the stem, but other than that, it makes it. "Murphy! Murphy!" I run down the hospital hall. "Guess what! I got it! I got the job-"
"I'm sorry," the doctor tells me. "I'll give you a few minutes before they remove her."
The rose slips from my fingers, hitting the linoleum. "No," I whine. My throat closes. My palms sweaty. I remember thinking how much I hated seeing her hooked up to all the machines, but now I'd give anything to have them back and keeping her alive. When I touch my fingers to her arm, I collapse at the cold vacant vessel she's become. "Goddamn you, Murphy," I sob against her side. She knew if I found out she didn't have much time, I'd skip the interview. I wish she could have seen her ring. Could have known that I got this job. Could have seen her fucking rose. Murphy taught me what it meant to be a man. How to laugh, and feel things that human beings should. I'm not just some corpse drifting through life anymore. I press my lips to her forehead before easing her red heart-shaped sunglasses on. "Thank you."
There were times that I wanted to give up. I wanted to say fuck it all but then it'd be like giving up on her. I had 'The Murph' put on her tombstone, and transplanted her roses so they'd fill the spots besides the grave nicely. I bring Walter up sometimes so he can visit her grave. He misses the fuck out of her. I miss the fuck out of her. "Hey, don't eat that dog food. It's for the roses." Murphy's trailer now resides in my backyard of the house I bought. Walter stays there, but sometimes I'm found sleeping in her old bed. It helps on the more difficult nights, but nothing truly takes the pain away. Still, I know every time I look in the mirror, or laugh, she's with me because she holds all the credit for making me the man I am.
That fall I start with the school. If not for Murphy, I'd still be rotting away in that shithole of a bar. Cleaning up the next body. I run my thumb over Murphy's picture before setting it on my desk.
"Hi," a warm voice greets. "You're the new coach?"
"Yeah. I'm Negan. Coach Negan."
She smiles back at me warmly. "I'm Lucille."
A/N I truly enjoyed Negan and Murphy so I have another fic in the works called Last Chance Survival where Murphy (Walter, too!) manage Sanctuary's greenhouse once I finish Stigmatic. Thanks for reading everyone! -217