Part 7:
((this chapter means a lot to me- and if anyone has questions about a topic that comes up, please feel free to PM me to ask them! (don't worry it's not a bad thing, it's just probably unexpected) thank you!))
C-
"What are you doing here?" I ask, immediately, and purposefully ignoring his questions. "We- You- What are you doing here?" I feel a lot of things, all coming up out of nowhere, fury being the fastest and loudest.
"I wanted to see you.. It took a while to track you down, but here I am!" He smiles, hopefully presenting me with his bouquet of flowers, which is truly massive, as Andre said it was, but from my time with Erik I know they'll die in an evening. I backhand them out of his hands, which earns only a "Hey!"
"Why are you here now? After all these years?"
"Hey, I didn't even know you moved, Christine. Why didn't you tell me?" He seems disappointed, but I only get angrier.
"Maybe I didn't tell you because you broke up with me and then proceeded to ignore all my attempts at talking while my life fell apart around me! You didn't even-" I want to scream, and maybe I will, but later. I take a breath. I'm at work right now. "I need you to leave."
"I just got here! I promise, I only want to talk-"
"I'm at work, Raoul." I glare at him, turning and pulling Meg gently with me. "Remember? How I earn my own living? Yeah. That's where we are." I sneer, and then I'm gone up the stairs, leaving him in our downstairs lobby, Firmin at his post and at a loss of what to do. I don't hear Raoul following us, or else I'd have to turn and deck him. After all his bullshit, after everything he did, I cannot believe him, showing up now, seven years later. That, that pretentious ass! I froth until we make it up to the meeting room, where I sit down with Meg.
And then I cry. All my feelings just bubble out of me, and I don't even have time to try to hold it all in before it's out. Meg panics and hugs me, and it's honestly the best thing she could have tried to do. I break down on her shoulder, into her fancy leather jacket, ashamed but completely unable to stop. I try to explain to her, but it comes out garbled, choked, wrong. I want to scream in despair, want to punch Raoul in his stupid pretty face, want Erik to be here and make all these horrible feelings go away, even if I don't know how he'd possibly do that. I thought they were already gone but here I am.
"Hold on, baby, I got this." I hear Meg say, and she rests me on the lounge couch, over on my side, unable to sit up, or maybe just unwilling. I hear ruffling and fidgeting through my haggard breathing, until it stops, and then I hear Meg speaking to someone else, but I don't know who. "Hey, you don't know me, but Christine needs you, kay? Here you go."
And then there's a phone, my phone placed on my ear, somehow balanced perfectly so I can hear-
"Christine? Christine, what's wrong?"
"Erik?" I inhale, hand flying to phone so I can sit up. Meg just pats my shoulder. "Why'd you-"
"You just kept sayin' his name. Thought this is what you wanted." She shrugs. I didn't realize I was-
"Christine? Hello?" Erik's voice grows more desperate on the other side.
"I'm here, 'm sorry, I-" My throat shuts on me again, a sob running through me.
"Christine?"
"I'm fine, I'm sorry- someone showed up at work and I-" I gasp, still reeling, still unable to think. "I'm not handling it well. Meg called you."
"I thought so, a-about Meg, anyway. Who showed up? Are you in danger? Should I-" He stops, unsure what to do. His own panic almost forces me to overcome mine. I try, I try.
"An old boyfriend. He-" I go into a round of sobs, completely unable to speak. The things he did. The things he didn't do, but should have. It's too much to remember.
"Hush, love, hush, it's fine, I promise, please, please just breathe." He begs, trying to be strong.
"I'm sorry.." I cry, brokenly. Meg strokes my hair.
"Don't apologise for having feelings, Christine. I- I am so sorry you feel this way- that he made you- If I ever see him-" He growls this last part, all fury, almost frightening. "Oh, Christine.." He whispers my name. "How can I help you?"
"Just hearing you made it better- it- it doesn't sound like it but it did."
"I- I could tell you about the wreath I'm making." He offers.
"I'd love that." I say after a moment. He talks about the order, the meaning of the flowers, even little things like the weave he's using to keep it together. He speaks slowly and with confidence, clear and concise but smoothly, measured. I almost find myself falling asleep, it so relaxes and distracts me. I almost forget the reason he was called. Almost. When he's done, he asks,
"How do you feel?"
"Better. I'm still scared he's out there, but I think I could face him if I had to. Oh, but Meg.." I look up at her, having almost forgotten her original reason for being here.
"Hey, you're fine. It's actually really nice to hear your guy talk. Don't worry about my appointment, babe, we can reschedule." She says, helping me sit up, brushing a strand of my hair from my face.
"Would you like to come over? I know you were just here, but if it would help you to speak of it.. or even the phone. Anything you like, Christine. I can order your favorite pizza.. or have Darius get us, what is it, ice cream?"
"I'd like to come over, yeah. Pizza would be great, if.. if you don't mind. I'll pay you back, it's my turn anyway." Meg hands me a tissue just in time for my nose to start running. I'm not even sure where the tissue came from, but I take it, just glad to have her and Erik's support.
"Don't you fuss about a pizza. When will you be over?"
"I'm her last of the day, so she's comin' over now." Meg says for me, while I blow my nose.
"Excellent." I can hear him even though Meg took the phone from me. "Take care." He says to us both, probably.
"Nice to meet you!" Meg chirps, and hangs up. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up a little. You'll feel better." I just nod, numb. She guides me to the bathroom, wets a paper towel and washes away my tears for me, like I'm a child. I'm grateful, though. I do dry my own face, letting her toss out the wet towel. "Let me walk you out at least. I know you got a ride."
"Okay." I nod. She helps me gather up my stuff from the meeting room and then she heads downstairs to see if Raoul- to see if he's still there. She waves me down after a moment, and I do so with my head down, feeling embarrassed for the beginning of a breakdown I had here. Firmin saw everything, but at least there weren't any waiting clients. But Firmin doesn't judge me or tease me. He only looks at me with concern and asks,
"Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, just a dumb boy." Meg says for me, again. I never told her the full story, but I guess she's seen and judged enough for herself. "She's just gonna head home for the day. I was her last appointment anyway."
"Feel free to take the day off tomorrow if you need, Christine." Firmin says, nodding. He's normally the stricter one about time and management and coming to work and days off, but I guess I look just pathetic enough to have earned some pity even from him. I nod a thank you to him and let Meg pull me out the front.
The bike rack is around the side, tucked into an alcove in the alley, a little unconventional but exceptionally safe from theft. Can't steal what you can't see. Meg watches me unlock the bike and put my helmet on, and walks me back out to the street.
"You gonna be okay?" She asks. "He really shook you up."
"Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I thought I was over all of.. that part of my life, but I guess I'm not as over it as I thought."
"Your boy Erik's got you, though. Your favorite pizza, he said." She grins, trying to get me to smile. It works, but temporarily, and I can't form a response. "He called you 'love'. Did you catch that?"
"He did? I didn't- did he really?"
"I think so. These ears were made for catching platitudes of adoration and romance." She shakes her head, ringlets of hair and hoop earrings jostling.
"Oh my gosh." I say, now feeling even more, but at least this one is a positive one.
"Have fun with that, girl. Text me, or call me, if you need to. I am always here for drama." She pats my hand on the bike handle, and walks away.
"Thank you, Meg. I'll text you." I call, voice still thin, after her, and then I trot my bike and me down the street a ways, wanting to make sure I'm not going to cry again before I try to actually ride it. A few streets down, just as I'm ready to hop on, I hear someone call me. I turn to see Raoul, arm up, calling out. I stiffen and try to hop up, but he's here, in front of the bike, before I can.
"Wait, please!"
"Why should I!?" I yell, tears ready to spring up and out.
"Please, I just want to talk, Christine-"
"What about? How you left me? How you broke up with me- called off our engagement!- just because you hadn't listened to me throughout all of us dating? Is that what you want to talk about? Or maybe it's how you didn't show up to my father's funeral, how you left me alone through the whole process while on some shitty cruise!" I snarl, threatening to run him over with my bike. He flinches, but otherwise stands his ground, saying nothing. "How.. how dare you show up now?"
"I didn't- I never meant- Christine, I'm so sorry, for everything, for all the things I wasn't there for, for everything I said, in ignorance and in malice-"
"Don't talk fancy to me! You- You!" I wrench my bike away from him, and stride away. He follows, like a disobedient dog padding after its master, tail between its legs. The difference is that I'd forgive a dog.
"I'm so sorry, Christine. I didn't know, didn't understand- wasn't ready to understand-" I stop, stomping fiercely, making him jump again. I stare at him for a moment, but he just stares back, taking all of my anger.
"Why didn't you say that, then, instead of willfully ignoring literally everything I said about.. about it and me.. for four years, Raoul. I was open from the beginning about it and you.."
"I didn't want to understand. I was a kid- stupid and selfish and I will spend our lives apologising, Christine. I want to understand now, I'm ready to, I want to try, please.."
"No. No, I- I spent too long crying about you. I may still hurt because of you, but everything else.. I've moved on."
"Th- that's fine, Christine, but I still do want to talk-"
"And I don't. We had four years of talking that you didn't listen to. I messaged you for over two years after that, 'just wanting to talk'. It's been another five since I gave up. I'm done with you, and everything to do with you."
"Christine, we were going to get married- doesn't that mean anything?" I almost laugh at that.
"Raoul. We were going to get married. And then you ignored me for two years. I have a lot of feelings on the matter, and I do not want to share any of it with you. Not now. Not anymore. Now, if you will please excuse me, I'm expected elsewhere." I spit, and start walking. Again, he follows, questioning:
"Elsewhere?"
"Yes. Erik is waiting for me." I hiss his name, hoping it stings. It must, the way he gasps and nearly stops. But he doesn't, not for long. "Go away, Raoul."
"I still love you, Christine."
"And maybe I would still love you, Raoul, if things were different. But that's not the world we live in, is it?"
"Do you love him, this Erik, this man you're so happily running to?" He calls me out, anger seeping into his voice.
"I like him."
"Do you 'like' him more than you loved me?" He persists, now bitter.
"Yes." I hiss, the word burning my throat, my eyes hard and set and glaring. Raoul stops, but I don't. I give a short run and hop onto my bike, pedalling away, furious. I take alleys and sidewalks, even though that's technically illegal, hoping that if he chooses to follow me in whatever fancy car-of-the-week he has, he won't be able to. I know this city like I was born here. He's a stranger, an outsider. Normally, I'd be ecstatic to welcome a new person here, but not him.. Not him.
I nearly toss my bike into the rack, too angry, the rack and the bike both rattling. I tear off my helmet, throwing it down with a solid -crack-. I struggle to lock my with shaking hands and renewed tears. Behind me, I hear a car, and though I haven't so much as laid eyes on it, I know, I know it's him. I slam the lock shut and turn around. Indeed, he's standing here, on my street, in my way of where I want, no, where I really need to be.
"I'm not done." He says, pleading but firm.
"I am. I don't know what else you want me to say."
"I don't.. I want to make things right between us. I feel.. I am so, so sorry for what I did to you. I want to apologise, properly, to show you that I regret it. To maybe.. take away some of the damage."
"Well, you can't. And even if you could, I don't want you to. Everything you've done and choose to do from deciding to ignore me and on is stained, Raoul. I.. I do not forgive you. Maybe one day I will. But it won't be for your sake." I say, harshly, but I mean every word. "Now, my friend, my real friend, is waiting for me."
"Christine, please-" He starts to beg, but I square my shoulders.
"So help me god, Raoul, if you don't get out of my way I will break your nose!" My hands are curled in fists, and I wonder if I even could do something as violent as that, but I know that if I could, I would. At least in this moment, I really would.
"I'll text you.." He says, stepping aside.
"New phone. Shove off." I say, and walk past him, never looking back. As far as I know, I disappear into the shadows of the alley, hopefully forever for him. I make it to the gate at the back before I start to break down again, fumbling hands unable to dislodge the latch. I want to beat it open, but I am too weak to do that, for one thing, and I could never actually bring myself to break or damage something that wasn't mine. I feel stuck against the gate, until it swings open from the inside, Erik suddenly appearing.
"Christine-" He has time to say before I collide with him. I nearly fall over, nearly knock him over, but he catches us, thin frame always surprisingly capable. "Christine, Christine.." He says my name, over and over, holding me tightly. "What happened?" He asks, but he doesn't give me time to answer, scooping me up. I let myself cry against him- what else can I do?- and he shuts the gate, carrying me up the stairs and inside to safety and security.
Erik sets us down on the couch, rocking me gently. He doesn't ask any questions, doesn't try to make promises or beg me to stop, just lets me go. He hums a little bit, and I hear him straining with emotion, but I don't know how to force myself to stop and can only let myself keep on, let it run its course.. Eventually my sobs at least relax so that I can breathe properly, and then they stop almost entirely.
"Feel any better?" He asks, his voice coming from just above my head.
"Yeah, actually. I'm sorry for breaking down like that, I swear I thought I was done at the parlor.."
"But he followed you." He growls. "I saw you confront him from the window.."
"I hoped he wouldn't be able to follow me. I'm not sure how he did."
"It doesn't matter. If he ever steps foot in my shop, on my street again, I.. I don't know what I'll do."
"That's okay. I told 'im I'd break his nose." Erik laughs at this.
"I don't doubt it for a second." I can hear his smile, still not looking up at him. "What.. I hope you don't mind me asking, but what did he do?"
".. a lot of things." I say. "It's a long story, but I think it's one I can tell, if you want to listen." It's the big one, the thing I've been afraid of talking about this whole time, but if I don't tell him now, I'll hold it in forever, and I'll never know for sure if he'll understand..
"I would enjoy that very much, if it would be of use to you." He says, though I know he's deeply curious too.
"Well.. Raoul- that's his name- we were friends when we were little. I'm talking, like.. second grade. His family moved to our district, getting a fancy big house on some hill there. We were friends almost instantly, and he was charming, even as a seven-year-old, and soon we collectively had a lot of friends. Well, he went back and forth between public and private school for a long time, his parents tryin' to get him to choose to stay in private school. It sucked, because the years he wasn't in public school, all our friends mysteriously vanished, and I was alone.
I had my parents, though, and I like to think that they were my best friends anyway, but I did miss him when he was gone. Then, in high school.. we started dating. He wasn't the first kid I dated, but he was the first one I.." I hesitate here, extremely embarrassed.
"The first one.. what?"
"The first and only one I got a tattoo for. I got his name, sideways, in really swoopy cursive, on my thigh, because I thought it was so much better than a 'tramp stamp'.. I was a pretentious jerk back then."
"Hardly. You were a child." He laughs once, shortly.
"Yeah, well, I got it when we were engaged." He immediately quiets, everything going still.
"..Oh."
"Yeah. My parents approved, we'd been dating for three years at that point, even if they wished we'd wait til we'd both gone to college, but we were so eager.. His parents were pissed. They hated me. I wasn't rich enough, wasn't cultured enough, my art wasn't pretentious enough.. or something. But he was determined to marry me, and they were going to allow it."
"So, why didn't you? Marry, I mean." He asks. And here's the hard part.
"The same reason lots of other relationships didn't work out. He wanted something.. to do something.. that I didn't. He wanted- he was waiting for marriage. I'm not- I didn't- still don't want.."
"..Intercourse." Erik fills in, and I feel him and me both turn warm. I'm embarrassed I can't even be mature enough to talk about it flatly, but it's so.. horrifying to me, even in name.
"Yeah. I'm asexual, and pretty much against trying anything at all. Personally, of course! I'd never try to police someone else, I just.. it's not for me. I know because I tried. I tried so hard to want it.. I didn't want to say anything about it, ever, if I could but.." So, here it comes. Rejection, or repulsion, or who knows what. Nobody ever seems to get it. Everyone thinks I'm broken, thinks something is wrong with me.. I mentally brace for impact. Erik is a wonderful person, one of the sweetest I've ever met, but how far will that carry us? Surely, this is the end of our happy times together..
"What is that word?" Erik asks.
"What.. asexual?" I pull away, looking up at him. He doesn't seem angry or hurt or betrayed.. just curious.
"Yes. What does it mean?"
"It just means I don't feel.. that kind of attraction to anyone. Like being bi or pan or gay.. I'm just not attracted to anything like that. And, personally, I don't want to, ah, engage anyone like that, either. Some people like me will, but that's their choice, but.. You're not angry?" I ask, sitting back, thoroughly confused, but feeling.. hopeful.
"Not at all!" He lights up. "Oh, Christine, I did not know there was a word for that!"
"You mean, you-" I can't finish the sentence, I'm too blindsided.
"Feel the same!" He nods, finishing for me. "I thought- I was certain I was just broken, yet another thing wrong about me but- but-" He puts a hand to the side of his head, like he's trying to contain his thoughts.
"But there's nothing wrong with you!"
"At least one thing less.. I was worried for a day to come when you- but if neither of us- so much simpler.." He mumbles, thinking out loud, and so relieved.
"I was so scared you'd hate me- I mean most of my romantic interests have in the past, so-"
"Why would I ever hate you at all? You could set fire to a city and I would think you perfection still." He exclaims, eyes wide.
".. you think I'm perfect?" I can't help but gasp.
"Of course!" He says, standing excitedly, my hands in his. I stay seated on the couch, looking up at him in awe. "My dear, you are the most perfect flower this earth has ever seen.." I can't believe what I'm hearing, and the joy of the moment overwhelms me, tears bubbling up and out again. He crouches back down, gripping my hands with fear. "Ah, have I overstepped my boundaries?"
"No, I just- I imagined telling you that and everything ending, and I- I was so scared! Everyone else- But I guess you're not like 'everyone else'.." I wipe away my tears on my forearm.
"This will never end, should you so choose.." He says, putting his hands on my cheeks. So confident, so close.. I wrap my hands around his wrists, feeling that to return the gesture fully would, maybe, cause some problems, make him uncomfortable.. But he looks at me so gently, so focused on me, but never too fiercely or frightening. Always with this sense of.. deferment, respect, something. I know I know the word... I don't know what to do, what to say, so I lean forward and kiss him, the mask's upper lip slightly in the way, but I don't care, holding onto his wrists as I plant my lips on his, porcelain or otherwise. His hands come away from my face in shock, and we both fall backwards on the couch a little ways. I don't let it deepen too far, letting the fall separate us, not wanting to push him too far in a couple of senses or scare him, I mean, I'm already scared myself, scared I've gone too far.
"Y-y-you..?" He blinks, stunned.
"..too much?" I ask, my voice tiny.
"Twas unexpected, to be sure.." He says, breathless. "I.. that happened, yes? I did not imagine that we- that you-"
"No, I definitely kissed you." I nod.
"Heavens.." He murmurs, and leans back the rest of the way on couch, eyes wide.
"Should I not have?" I ask, still over him.
"I.. do not know how to react. I never- I hadn't thought- wouldn't have dared imagine-" He goes limp, arms splayed across the back of the couch. I don't know what to do or say either, scared that I've somehow still managed to ruin things between us, so I just lay down on the empty space beside him, still safe between him and the back of the couch, my head on his shoulder. After a moment, he seems to realize I'm still here, and puts his closest arm over my shoulder. "I apologise. I did not imagine such a thing to be a possibility."
"It wasn't too much, was it?"
"No. Well, perhaps, but I would count that fault as my own, not yours. I- I am struggling to understand. H-how did we get here? How did this happen?" He sounds mystified.
"I was telling you about my garbage ex-boyfriend."
"Oh. Yes, yes that was what was happening. Did you finish your story?" He seems dazed, and I can't help but chuckle.
"No, I- we got distracted."
"Yes, that I remember." He nods, still breathless, but seeming to be reconnected with reality. "I- I'm so sorry for my reaction. Would- would you care to finish your story now?"
"Sure. So.. he reacted the way I thought you would, the way everyone else has when they expect.. things. And this was a week before our wedding. He.. he made some comment about finally 'sealing the deal' or something and I got really grossed out. I'd explained to him, time and again, how it- how I worked, and when he said that, I told him I wasn't going to be ready for that, that I wouldn't ever be ready for that, and he just. He stared at me, like it was the first time I ever mentioned it. And he exploded at me. He was so outraged, so.. expectant. He tried to talk me into it, and I wouldn't budge, I just couldn't. And he called off our wedding, just like that. Wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't take messages or emails or anything.
I went off to college to try to forget him, and then my dad got sick, like.. really sick. He'd always been ill.. We'd expected him to pass away when I was in grade school, but he somehow outlived my mom.. Anyway, I moved back to take care of him, and it was like that for a couple years and then he died. I was alone. He and mom were my only family, and when Raoul called it off with me, all our friends took his side, so I was really, really alone. I reached out to him, I just.. needed someone to help me through things but.. I was alone.
I sold the house, or whatever, went back to school, and moved here. Been trying to forget him ever since.." I finish with a sigh.
"That bastard.." I hear Erik growl again, under his breath. He turns to lay on his side, facing me. "I am so.. so terribly sorry he put you through that- I can't imagine how he- why anyone would- what he could have been thinking-"
"It's okay. I mean, it's not, like, at all, but I'm.. It's going to turn out okay. It feels nice to let it out, especially now that I know you get the weirdest part about it."
"Honestly, I am most certain it's everyone else in the world that's strange in that regard. I do not- cannot understand it."
"Me either. I tried. I just.." I shake my head.
"Agreed." Erik says, referring to my head shake. I giggle. "I also do not understand how that boy could just.. toss you away like trash. Four years.."
"I can kinda see how.. It's like that one time we talked about expectations and hopes. There's the dreamworld expectations and then there's real life expectations. I guess Raoul got his dreamworld hopes mixed with his real world hopes. I did explain it to him, a lot. I don't know what more I could have done.."
"I do not know either. I'm not sure there's anything you could have done to make him understand, if you were open about it for years and he still failed to understand.." He rolls his eyes.
"That's the worst part about today. He- he was all like 'I'm ready to understand, I just wanna talk!', and- and I just wanted to punch him so bad for taking so long to get there.. but I also did want to explain things to him. Not because I wanted to give him a second chance, really, but because I wanted closure. To.. to beat him over the head with it, just say everything all over again, because nothing's changed. I want him to realize I was always this way. I do also want to let go of it, forgive him more or less, but for my sake."
"How do you mean?"
"Well, forgiveness is when you let something go, right? I just want to let go of being angry at him, which basically constitutes his forgiveness. I don't, like, want him in my life, but to actually move on would be so.. nice." I close my eyes, feeling worn out.
"I understand." Erik mumbles, and I feel a hand of his wandering through my hair. We're quiet for a moment, nothing to really say.
"Did our pizza ever show up?" I ask, opening my eyes. His eyes widen.
"Darius was supposed to bring it upstairs when it did.." He says, sitting up. "Shall we investigate?" He offers an arm, ever the gentleman. I take it, slipping the crooks of our elbows together.
"Sure." I smile, happy and unburdened and just.. just so happy. I can tell from the twinkle in Erik's golden eyes that he feels the same. The thing I was most afraid of breaking us apart has somehow managed to bring us closer together, and stronger, too.