Note: As always, thanks to Sally for beta reading this for me.
Chapter 5 – Beginning of Endings
The day after the game, Clarke met Finn for lunch. He was solicitous and sweet, as he always was, but Clarke was distracted and wasn't paying full attention to the mostly one-sided discussion. When Finn suggested a walk in the park, she missed it completely.
"Clarke?" he asked. When he got no response from her, he repeated more loudly, "Clarke...Clarke!" Clarke started and looked at her boyfriend, who was regarding her with a mixture of confusion and concern.
"I'm sorry, what?" Clarke asked.
"I asked if you wanted to go for a walk after lunch." Finn responded. "Where'd you go?"
"What? Nowhere...just thinking, I guess," Clarke said looking away from him.
"Well, nowhere must be pretty interesting, considering you haven't said more than a dozen words in the last hour, and I had to call you three times to bring you back," he said with a hint of hurt in his voice. "You haven't even wanted to talk about the game yesterday, and from what I hear, it was pretty epic." He looked at her with raised brows.
Clarke sighed and looked at the young man in front of her. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I guess I'm just thinking about all the things I have to do before Christmas, as well as all the reading I have to finish before school starts again." Which was not what she was thinking about at all, but she pointedly didn't talk about the game, and Finn didn't push, which she was grateful for.
"So, did you want to go for that walk?" he asked again.
Clarke sighed again and shook her head. "No, I don't think so. I really need to get some things done."
"Ok," Finn replied quietly, "I guess you don't want any company then," he said dejectedly, more of a statement than a question.
Clarke flinched slightly at his tone, the guilt gnawing at her insides, but she answered with, "No, but thank you. I'm going to go to the mall and do some shopping and then head home."
"Ok," Finn said again with a sigh, as he stood up and threw some money down on the table to pay their lunch bill. He reached out for Clarke to pull her into a hug and she let him, but when he bent down to kiss her, she turned her head so he got her cheek instead.
"Clarke?" Finn asked in surprise as he pulled back to look at her.
She thought quickly because it hadn't been a conscious thought on her part to move her lips away; it had just happened, "I...it's just…I think I might be coming down with something, and I don't want to make you sick for the holidays. If I'm getting a cold, we shouldn't both suffer," she lied after a moment's hesitation. She then reached up and planted a quick kiss on his cheek before giving him a squeeze and stepped away from him.
"I really am sorry I'm such a downer right now," she apologized, looking up at him.
"No, it's ok," he said with a small smile before adding, "I have to work a lot in the next couple of days, so unless you can do lunch tomorrow, we probably won't see each other until the party on Friday."
When Clarke said nothing and just looked at him as though she was looking through him, he felt unease rise in his chest so he reached out again and brushed his hand across hers. "I'll miss you..." he said. "Text me or something, okay?"
He squeezed her hand and Clarke flinched slightly before responding "Right, yes. Okay. See you on Friday," and as she turned and walked away from him she missed the look of longing that crossed Finn's face.
Clarke made it back to her car and slowly climbed in. She closed the door, buckled her seatbelt and put the keys in the ignition before closing her eyes and placing her forehead on the steering wheel, her hands grasping either side of her head so hard that her knuckles turned white.
I seriously need help, she thought to herself. I'm treating my boyfriend horribly and I can't get the vision of someone I just met out of my head. I need to get my shit together! It is ridiculous to be thinking about this girl so much, I don't even know her, and it certainly isn't fair to Finn! Clarke continued to scold herself mentally while banging her head softly against the steering wheel of her car. After several moments and many deep breaths, Clarke straightened, started the car and headed to the mall to do some shopping - at least, she had been telling Finn the truth about that.
Several hours later, Clarke was struggling her way into her home with multiple shopping bags full of Christmas gifts for friends and family. She made her way into her room and was sorting through the gifts when her phone vibrated letting her know a text message had come in. She read it quickly.
Mom: have to stay at the hospital for a while, and your Dad is in a meeting until late, so you're on your own for dinner. Love you.
Clarke sighed and finished up with her presents before heading downstairs. She looked dejectedly around the kitchen before grabbing her phone and opened her contact list. She scrolled through to select Raven and Octavia's numbers, and as she did she passed Lexa's information. She paused there looking at the number and before she could stop herself she was bringing up the message page and typing in a quick message:
Clarke: Hey. I just wanted to say thanks for coming yesterday. It was really nice to hang out with your team.
She hit send before she could change her mind and then went on to message Raven and Octavia.
Griff: I'm all alone for dinner, do you guys want to come over and have pizza and watch a movie or something?
She didn't have to wait long before she got a response from both of them.
O: Absolutely, but we just had pizza last night, I'll pick up Chinese ok?
Rae: Sure, I'll grab some beer and be right over.
Griff: Great, beer and Chinese it is. I'll get Netflix set up and we can pick a movie when you get here.
The girls arrived less than thirty minutes later, laden with more food than they needed and a six-pack of beer.
The trio settled down to their feast and a movie and ate in companionable silence for several minutes before Raven spoke up.
"So, O," she said with a grin, "You and Lincoln were getting awful close last night. What's up with that?"
"Oh my god, you guys," Octavia replied practically swooning, "He is so cool...and so… hot" she added with a giggle. "I really like him. I've talked to him on the phone twice today and I'm going to go to the party with him on Friday," she gushed.
"What's he do?" Clarke asked.
"He's currently working through a paramedic/EMT program and volunteers with the TonDc fire department. He says he's got about another year and he hopes to get hired on here in DC."
"Wow, impressive," Raven said after letting out a slow whistle. "Nice catch, O. How is it that he is still single and you managed to snag him?" she teased.
Octavia laughed and shoved at her friend's shoulder before replying "I actually asked him that," she said dipping her head slightly. "He said that he doesn't go out much, and when he has, he hadn't met anyone worth the time...until now," she finished with a blush.
"Well, he doesn't waste any time does he?" Clarke stated with a smile, "I'm happy for you O, you deserve to be happy."
"Thanks, Griff," she said softly.
"Speaking of happy," Raven said, "where's Finn? I expected him to be here too."
Neither girl noticed the shadow that passed across Clarke's face as she quickly leaned in to get more chow mein as she answered, "He wasn't invited. Girls night," she added before leaning back and looking at her best friends with a smile.
The girls all smiled at each other and clinked their beers together as Raven said "To us."
Clarke wondered briefly if she should tell them about how she was feeling, the swirling emotions she didn't want to look too closely at, about a girl she just met, and what that might mean for her relationship with her boyfriend. The buzz from her phone startled her and she reached to grab it to read the incoming text.
Her heart skipped a beat as she read who it was from:
Lexa: Thank you for inviting us. It was nice getting to know you all as well.
"Who's the text from, Griff?" Raven asked, leaning over trying to see Clarke's phone. "Everyone important is already here," she added with a cocky grin.
"It's from Lexa," Clarke responded hesitantly.
"The Grounders captain?" O asked in surprise. "How'd she get your number?"
Raven was looking on curiously as well, as Clarke sighed and said "I invited her to the party on Friday, so we exchanged numbers so that I could get her the details."
"You invited her to the party?" Raven asked, surprise evident in her voice. "Why?"
Clarke tried not to get defensive and to keep her voice neutral, "Well, O had already asked Lincoln, and they live together so I thought it would be the polite thing to do," she started, but then reluctantly admitted, "But more because I think she's pretty cool and I think we could all be friends...even if she is the captain of the team that is our biggest rival," she finished looking at her friends carefully, watching their reactions.
"She did seem pretty cool...quiet, but nice," Octavia put in.
"How would you know, O," Raven teased, "the only thing you paid attention to last night was her cousin. However, I thought she was pretty cool too, Clarke, so good choice. Also," she added with a sly grin, "she is damn hot!"
The girls laughed before Raven asked again, "Why is she texting you now? The party's not for another two days."
Clarke fought the blush threatening to climb its way up her neck and responded quietly, "I texted her earlier, thanking her for joining us last night. She's just responding."
Both of her friends looked at her with curious glances before Clarke rolled her eyes at them and said "Oh, come on, I was just being nice."
Raven's eyes widened as though she had just found a secret treasure, before she leaned in and nudged Octavia's shoulder and said, while looking directly at Clarke, "Oh, my God, Clarke! You like her!"
Clarke again found herself fighting a blush and tried in vain to control her face as she said, "Of course I like her. She's nice."
Octavia has picked up on what Raven was talking about at this point, her eyes almost as wide as Raven's when she said, "Yeah, but you like her, like her!"
"Oh hell," yelled Raven, eyes wide and understanding ghosting across her face. "Is that why Finn isn't here? Holy crap!"
"Stop it!" hollered Clarke, "I hardly know her, for heaven's sake."
"Yeah, but you got some feels don't you?" Raven pushed with a grin.
Clarke sighed and sunk into the cushions of her couch, putting her shaking head in her hands. That was all the confirmation her friends needed and they sprung up to sit on either side of Clarke on the couch, Raven reached out and paused the movie none of them were watching anyway before turning to face Clarke once again.
Clarke peeked out at her two best friends from between her fingers, to see them both looking at her with expectation and slight disbelief.
Clarke sighed again and brought her hands down and folded them tightly on her lap.
"What am I going to do?" she said softly. "I've never felt this way before, not even about Finn. And he's great. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I couldn't get her out of my head. When we shook hands it was like a spark of electricity shot through my whole body and I could feel the residual trace of it for what felt like hours. When I was with Finn earlier, I was only thinking about when I might see her again..." Clarke finished in a rush, shaking her head. "What am I going to do?" she asked again, looking imploringly at her friends.
"Oh, boy, do you have it bad," Raven observed.
Octavia scowled at Raven, who simply smirked back at her. "What do you want to do?" she asked Clarke quietly.
Clarke took a shaky breath, "I really want to get to know her better," she said. "But, how I'm feeling certainly isn't fair to Finn, and I feel so guilty," she added sadly.
"You're right, it's not fair to Finn," Raven stated. "But you need to do what's going to make you happy." She paused slightly before asking, "Do you love Finn?"
"No," Clarke replied quickly, not even having to think about it. "I don't...maybe I could have...now I don't know. Hell, I don't even know if Lexa would be interested...I don't know anything about her except she's a phenomenal hockey player and lives with her uncle," Clarke added with frustration.
"Then you need to let him go," Octavia said as Raven nodded along. "Tell him you need a break to figure things out, then if this Lexa thing doesn't pan out, you can always go back."
"That is so horrible on so many levels," Clarke stated. "It's almost Christmas, for one thing. Who breaks up with someone at Christmas? Then, thinking about taking him back if Lexa isn't interested in anything other than friendship with me? He would ultimately be my second choice, I would be settling and that's not fair to either of us. God, I can't believe I'm even considering this – I hardly know her," she cried out in anguish.
Octavia and Raven both leaned in and wrapped their arms around their friend.
"You know we'll support you in whatever you decide to do Clarke, but you need to be honest with yourself and with Finn. You two have only been dating for six months, so maybe he won't take it that hard," Octavia said.
Clarke nodded silently between the two girls as they looked over Clarke's head and made eye contact. They both knew how it would go if Clarke ended things with Finn. They had seen how he looked at her and they both knew that he had already fallen hard for her, even if she couldn't see it.
They hugged Clarke again and then Raven asked, nodding at Clarke's phone which was still in her lap. "Are you going text her back?"
Clarke looked at the text and then at her friends. "No, I need to talk to Finn first," she said. "I need to tell him what's going on. I'm going to be honest with him. He deserves that."
"That's our girl," Octavia said with a smile. "Do you want us there with you when you do? Or at least, close by?"
"That would be great," Clarke replied as she looked at her two best friends in the world, "I should get in touch with him now before I lose my nerve."
With that, Clarke picked up her phone and texted Finn. She asked him to meet her tomorrow for lunch, and he responded right away confirming that he could meet her on his lunch break.
Finn: Where do you want to have lunch this time?
Clarke looked at her friends, "Where should I do this?" she asked. "Do I want a public place, or should it be a bit more private?"
Octavia shared a glance with Raven before saying, "You should do it here, at your house...in private," at the same time that Raven said "Private. Definitely, private."
Clarke nodded and typed a response back to Finn.
Princess: How about my place?
Finn: Awesome. See you around noon.
Clarke closed her phone again, sighed and leaned back against the couch with her eyes closed.
"Can you two be here tomorrow? Maybe upstairs in my room?" Clarke asked her friends without opening her eyes.
"Absolutely," Octavia replied, "We'll both be here. In fact, why don't we just stay the night, then we can hang out in the morning, maybe go for a run to burn off some energy before Finn comes over."
"That's a great idea," Raven chimed in. "Let's just both whip home and get a change of clothes and some workout gear and we'll be right back. I'll drive, O, and we can stop at your house first."
Octavia agreed and Clarke managed a small smile for her friends and nodded, trying to ignore the twisting in her gut when she thought about talking to Finn.
The two friends headed out the door, leaving Clarke alone with her thoughts and her growing anxiety.