Chapter 11 - The Hospital, part 2
Note: Here is part two. My favorite chapter to write so far. It's a bit longer so enjoy!
Thanks again to Sally for beta reading this and asking the questions that needed to be asked, and once again, making it longer because of them. :)
Lexa allowed Lincoln to lead her into the lobby of the emergency room. Every step felt like an effort. She felt her chest tighten and her breath catch in her throat as her mind registered the medicinal smell and sounds of the ER.
Lincoln stopped and squeezed her hand. "You have to breathe Lexa," he softly whispered as he leaned towards her ear. "We can go when you are ready...or not at all. It's your call."
Lexa took in a huge gulp of air and released it shakily as she silently nodded her head, squeezing his hand back in thanks.
They stood motionless for several minutes while Lexa collected herself, Lincoln waiting patiently to see which way Lexa would go, ready to support whatever decision she made.
After several more deep calming breaths, Lexa looked up at Lincoln and nodded again, taking a hesitant step forward. Lincoln stepped quickly to match her stride as they moved slowly through the lobby and into the waiting room.
Lincoln noticed the group of friends sitting in the hard-backed chairs and gestured towards them with his chin. "Over there," he stated quietly.
Lexa looked in the direction he indicated and headed in the trio's direction.
Octavia saw them first and waved to them. She noticed the tightness with which Lexa was grasping Lincoln's hand, and she made a mental note to ask Lincoln about it later.
They joined the other three in the chairs, Monty and Raven issuing somber greetings to the newcomers.
Lincoln had taken a seat next to Octavia. Lexa sat next to him, reluctantly releasing his hand when she sat and folded her hands tightly in her lap instead.
Lincoln was the first to break the silence. "Have you heard anything?"
Raven shook her head. "No, nothing yet. Jasper's parents showed up about 10 minutes ago, and they're with him now. Nothing yet about Clarke though."
Lincoln looked over at Lexa and noticed she was clenching her jaw so hard that he was concerned about her teeth. He reached out a tentative hand and placed it on her shoulder, squeezing when he felt the slight flinch under his hand.
Octavia managed to catch Lincoln's eye and flicked her gaze to Lexa and then back to Lincoln, quirking an eyebrow. Lincoln understood her unasked question and just shook his head imperceptibly at the small brunette, so she shrugged and reached for his hand.
The group sat in tense silence for several more minutes before Raven spotted Abby approaching through the waiting room. She stood up, reaching down to tap Monty on the shoulder.
"You guys," she whispered hoarsely. "Abby's coming."
Instantly all eyes were on the doctor as she wove through the chairs to where her daughter's friends were waiting. Octavia had stood up as well to stand next to Raven, but the rest remained sitting.
Lexa didn't think her legs would support her. So she remained seated with her hands clenched tightly, and her breath was coming in short gasps, silently thankful for the comforting weight of Lincoln's hand on her shoulder.
Abby finally arrived after what seemed like an excruciatingly long time and came to a stop in front of them, a small frown on her face.
Raven, Octavia, and Monty all started talking at once, and Abby raised her hand to silence them.
"Clarke has been admitted to the hospital so we can keep an eye on her," Abby started. "She became aware of her surroundings about halfway through the scan and was understandably confused and scared. She began moving around. That ruined the scan, and they had to start over. That's why it took so long."
Raven asked the question they were all thinking. "Is she okay?"
Abby sighed heavily. "She will be," she finally said, "Clarke needed five staples in the back of her head, and suffered a grade 3A concussion to her occipital lobe, so it's going to take a while before she's a hundred percent."
Lexa watched Lincoln visibly flinch at this news and knew it wasn't good. She knew of course that Clarke would have a concussion, and she also knew that it was a bad one considering Clarke lost consciousness for more than a few seconds, but she had no idea what a grade 3A concussion was.
Raven apparently wondered the same thing and didn't hesitate to ask. "What does that mean, Dr. G? When will she be okay?"
Abby sighed again and looked at the group of young people in front of her before beginning again, her voice serious.
"Being knocked unconscious at all is worrying when we are talking about a brain injury. And that's what a concussion is - a brain injury. The fact that Clarke was out for more than a few seconds, and bordered on full unconsciousness for minutes was very worrying and almost puts her into the most severe category of concussion identification. A grade 3B could keep her from playing hockey, or doing anything else physical for up to 6 months. However, because she started to come to at the house, we can downgrade her to a 3A, but she still has to be very careful. It could take her a full month before she is back to herself."
Abby paused as she heard soft gasps from her daughter's friends, noticing that Octavia's hand had flown to cover her mouth, and Raven's eyes had taken on a hard glint.
"The police better catch that asshole before I do," Raven muttered under her breath. Octavia, the only one to hear her, glanced quickly at her and gave her a short nod, then back at Abby.
It was only when Abby looked over at Lincoln that she noticed Lexa sitting there, rigid and unmoving, her face hard and unreadable.
Abby frowned, slightly concerned for the young lady but looked back at the other two girls and continued. "Everyone responds differently to concussions and heal from them in their own way and time. It may not take Clarke a full month to recover...but it won't be quick, either," she added when she saw hope shine in Raven's eyes.
"It's good, in a way, that this is her first concussion," Abby continued. "Otherwise, it may have been up to a year before she was ready to do anything physical. On a good note, the CT scan didn't show anything out of the ordinary, which is a small miracle considering how hard the impact appears to have been."
"On the downside," Abby paused and took another breath before finishing her update, "Clarke hit her head in the occipital region, so she's experiencing some vision issues. That was the main reason she panicked in the scan, she opened her eyes and couldn't see anything, and it scared her. It had cleared up a bit before I left her to come down here to see you all, but her vision is still blurry, and she's very sensitive to light right now as well." Abby concluded, stuffing her hands back into the pockets of her lab coat.
Raven noticed the unshed tears shining in Abby's eyes, and stepped forward and wrapped the older woman up in a tight hug. Octavia stepped in a moment later, and Abby's arms came up around both young women automatically. The three stood there for a minute sharing comfort in the group hug, before pulling apart. Abby reached up and wiped her eyes with the tips of her fingers before looking back at the two friends.
The two women in front of her looked at each other and then said in unison, "Can we see her?"
Abby looked at them fondly. "Well, it's 1 o'clock in the morning, but I can get you in for a few minutes if she's still awake. Otherwise, you can come back tomorrow morning."
The girls nodded and looked at Monty, who just shook his head, "I'll come back tomorrow, I'm going to find Jasper and his parents and see if he's going to our place or theirs."
The three friends briefly hugged before Monty walked away to find Jasper. Monty threw a quick wave in Lincoln and Lexa's direction, but the brunette didn't see it, her vision still focused directly in front of her.
Abby looked again at Lexa and then back at the other two girls, her right eyebrow quirked in a silent question.
Octavia shrugged her shoulders and quietly said, "she's been like that since she got here."
Abby nodded her head, an idea beginning to form in her mind. She excused herself and walked over to the desk and made a quick phone call. After a few moments, she came back and told the two girls that Clarke was indeed still awake and that they had permission to see her.
"A few moments only, ladies. Please, let her know you're here, but then go home and get some sleep. She's in room 205. Also," Abby added with a stern look, "please make sure you all get home safe. I can give you money for a cab if you need it."
"It's okay," Octavia replied. "Lincoln will drive us; he only had a bit at the beginning of the night because he has an early shift this morning."
Abby nodded as Raven grabbed Octavia by the arm and said, "Thanks, Dr. G."
"Yeah, thanks," Octavia echoed before shaking loose of Raven's hand as she threw a quick look at Lincoln and asking shyly, "Do you mind waiting a few minutes?"
"Not at all," he replied. "I'll be here when you get back."
Octavia smiled back in gratitude, before looking to Lexa.
"Lex..." she started but was interrupted by Abby's hand on her shoulder.
"You two go ahead," she told Octavia firmly, indicating the direction of the elevators with her chin.
Octavia hesitated, looking again at the tense form of the brunette sitting stiffly in the chair a few feet away, then back at Abby. She nodded shortly and then walked to catch up with Raven, who was waiting at the elevator across the room.
Abby watched her daughter's best friends walk away and then turned to the young woman seated a few feet away. She approached Lexa slowly, recognizing the tenseness in her shoulders and the faraway look in her eyes.
She glanced briefly to Lincoln and saw the slight warning there, as well as the subtle nod of his head as he got up slowly and moved away to give the two women some space.
Abby lowered herself silently into the seat next to Lexa and recognized the effort the woman was putting into not succumbing to a full on panic attack.
Abby didn't know Lexa well, but she did know that her daughter wanted to, so she felt she needed to do something for the obviously struggling young woman. She was a doctor, after all, so she reached out a tentative hand and placed it on Lexa's shoulder.
Lexa flinched, but Abby didn't remove her hand, instead squeezing slightly before asking quietly, "Lexa, are you all right?"
Lexa said nothing, continuing to start straight ahead, but Abby could hear and feel the shallow, short breaths coming from the girl beneath her hand. Abby took a risk and moved her hand and began rubbing soothing circles on Lexa's upper back.
"Lexa, you have to breathe honey," Abby commented softly. "Can you take a deep breath for me please?" she continued in the same soothing tone.
Lexa flicked her eyes sideways at the older woman before gathering herself and taking a deep shuddering breath and letting it out brokenly.
"That's it," Abby encouraged, "now another one."
Lexa repeated the breathing exercise a few more times eventually getting her respiration under control while Abby rubbed her back and whispered that she would be okay, that she was safe. The tenseness eased from her shoulders but did not entirely go away, however, Abby felt that she had made some progress.
Abby ceased rubbing the young woman's back and brought her hand back to her lap. Lexa had shifted her gaze to the floor; head bent so that her wavy brown locks covered the side of her face, hiding her from Abby's view.
"Thank you," Lexa murmured quietly, embarrassed to have had Clarke's mother see her in such a state.
Abby didn't say anything for a moment, before putting her hand on the girl's arm. "You don't like hospitals." It was a statement, not a question, and Abby didn't expect a response, but Lexa shook her head back and forth slowly once.
Abby suspected that Lexa had lost someone, perhaps recently, but kept the thought to herself as she sighed and squeezed Lexa's arm in silent sympathy and support.
It was evident to Abby that Lexa wouldn't be at the hospital, putting herself through the emotional torment that being there apparently caused her, if she didn't care about Clarke. She knew the girls hadn't spent much time together, but she also knew her daughter, and she knew Clarke had never had a reaction to another person like she had had to the young woman sitting next to her. So, she felt as though she needed to say something to help ease whatever it was that Lexa was currently going through, so she took a breath and squeezed Lexa's arm again.
In a quiet voice, barely above a whisper, she assured her, "Clarke is okay, Lexa. You won't lose anyone here today." Abby paused a beat as she felt the girl stiffen beside her before adding, "She'll be okay, and I'm sure she would love to know that you are here."
Her comment struck Lexa in the chest so hard that it caused her to suck in an audible breath. Lexa turned to look at the older woman and saw only compassion and understanding in her eyes. No pity, just warmth, and Lexa was overcome suddenly with emotion, tears welling up in her eyes that she refused to let fall.
When Lexa turned to look at Abby, the pain, and confusion that Abby saw in Lexa's eyes made her own heart clench in sympathy for the young woman. She could see the beginnings of tears building in her stormy green eyes. She smiled softly after a moment.
"Would you like me to take you up to see her?"
Lexa took a deep breath, still looking at Abby and nodded shortly before standing up on shaky legs. Abby stood with her, her hand on Lexa's arm to steady her. Once it appeared Lexa had her legs under her, Abby withdrew her hand and cautiously placed it around Lexa's shoulders. It took a moment, but Abby felt the young woman lean into her slightly for support as she led Lexa towards the elevator.
They rode the elevator in silence, exiting on the 2nd floor and walking down the hall towards room 205. They stopped outside the door, and Abby peeked in, then looked back at Lexa.
"It seems like Octavia and Raven listened to me for once," Abby said sardonically. "They've already left. Clarke has her eyes closed so she may be sleeping, but she may not be either. Would you like to check? If she's asleep, you can always come back tomorrow."
Lexa took a breath and looked at the closed door of Clarke's room. "How long will she have to stay here?" Lexa asked quietly.
"She'll probably get to come home at some point tomorrow. They want to keep an eye on her to make sure there isn't any delayed swelling and that her vision is getting better before they let her leave."
Lexa nodded absently before almost whispering, "I don't know if I can come back, so I'll go in now if that's okay."
Abby reached out and squeezed the younger woman's shoulder in understanding. "Of course, dear. Are you going to be ok?" Abby asked.
"Yes," Lexa softly replied. "Thank you for your help."
"Okay then, I'll leave you to it." Abby turned and took a few steps before turning back to see Lexa standing and staring at Clarke's door, hand on the doorknob.
"Lexa?" Abby called softly.
Lexa turned slightly, looking over her shoulder at Abby, hand still on the door.
Abby offered up a compassionate, sincere smile.
"It's good to see you again. I'm glad you're here for Clarke."
Without waiting for a response from the young woman, Abby turned on her heel and proceeded down the hall. Lexa's eyes had widened slightly at the unexpected comment, and she shook her head before turning back to the door.
Giving the door a small push, it opened silently into the dark, quiet room. Lexa could see Clarke lying on her side, facing away from the door and Lexa froze at the sight of the bandage wrapping around the back of Clarke's head. She stood there for several moments in silence, staring at the blonde girl, before Clarke's voice broke her from her reverie.
"Lexa," Clarke said in a raspy voice. "Are you going to stand there all night or are you going to come in?"
Lexa visibly shook herself and took another step into the room which brought her to the foot of Clarke's bed and paused. She opened her mouth as though to ask how Clarke knew it was her, but then closed it again before she took the remaining steps that took her to Clarke's side. She sat awkwardly in the chair positioned to face the bed.
Lexa looked at Clarke, letting her eyes travel over her mussed hair and bandaged head, over the planes of her face, her pink lips and the slight dimple in her chin. Her gaze roamed hungrily all over the face of the girl in front of her like she was trying to memorize every angle, every shadow, every freckle and every hair, and still she said nothing.
Clarke's eyes remained closed, and what Lexa could see of her brow under the bandage was creased in pain. Lexa's breath hitched in her throat, and she wanted nothing more than to reach out and smooth the lines in that beautiful forehead with her fingertips, but instead she sucked in a quick breath and folded her hands tightly in her lap.
"You're staring," Clarke husked, her lips twitching with a slight smile, her eyes still closed.
Lexa coughed quietly, shifting in her seat before responding. "I...I just..." Lexa cleared her throat and tried again. "Are you okay?" she asked quietly.
Clarke opened one eye and squinted at the girl in front of her, trying to bring her into focus, but the effort made her head hurt, so she shut it again before wincing in pain and annoyance.
"I feel like someone hit me in the head with a baseball bat. Not that I know what that feels like, but I imagine it would feel something like this," she said waving a hand haphazardly around her head.
"Whatever they are giving me in the way of painkillers don't seem to be working, so I have a killer headache, I can't see worth shit, school and hockey start again in two weeks, and my mom doesn't think I'll be ready for either. Oh, yeah, and my ex-boyfriend went batshit crazy." she finished bitterly.
Lexa held her breath through the small rant, anger bubbling in her chest at the mention of Finn, feeling helpless and wishing with all her heart she could do something to help. She had seen the pain in the single sky blue eye that was presented to her so briefly, and she could sense Clarke's frustration at her inability to focus.
"I wish I could help you," Lexa murmured.
Clarke snorted softly and cracked an eye at Lexa again before matter-of-factly stating as she closed it, "You're here."
Lexa's heart clenched at the statement, and she didn't know what to say to that, so the girls fell into a comfortable silence. After several minutes, Lexa was sure that Clarke must have fallen asleep, so she shifted quietly in preparation to get up and let the blonde get the rest she so obviously needed. She had barely begun to move when Clarke's soft voice broke the silence, startling Lexa once again.
"Are you leaving?" she whispered.
Lexa leaned forward in the chair and whispered back, "You need to rest."
Clarke didn't open her eyes, but reached out with her right hand, and Lexa instinctively extended her own and connected with Clarke's. Again, a spark flowed through the connection and up Lexa's arm and into her chest, making her gasp.
Clarke's lips twitched in a small, sleepy smile. "Did you feel that?" she whispered.
Lexa could only nod. When she found her voice, she breathed out a shaky, "Yes."
"I feel it every time I touch you," Clarke added softly, stroking the back of Lexa's hand with her thumb.
Lexa swallowed thickly around the lump that had formed in her throat before whispering,
"Me too."
Clarke's hand tightened slightly around Lexa's before she whispered again, "Will you stay until I fall asleep? Please?"
Lexa nodded again, but then seemed to realize Clarke couldn't see it with her eyes closed, so she squeezed her hand slightly and softly said, "Of course," then watched as the corners of Clarke's mouth turned up again briefly before she let out a deep sigh and relaxed into the bed.
It didn't take long for the hand gripped in Lexa's to loosen, and Clarke's breathing to even out and become deeper. Lexa carefully stood and untangled her fingers from Clarke's. She stood beside the slumbering woman for a moment and couldn't help herself when she reached forward and brushed a stray curl from the blonde's face and traced her fingers along the edge of her jaw to the dimple in her chin before withdrawing her hand slowly and turning towards the door.
Lexa left the room silently and went back down to the lobby where Raven, Octavia, and Lincoln were still waiting. Octavia was sleeping on Lincoln's shoulder, and Raven seemed to be asleep sitting up, her arms crossed over her chest. Lincoln looked up at her when she got closer and raised his eyebrows at her in question.
"I'm okay," Lexa murmured, "I'm sorry to make you wait."
"Don't worry about it," Lincoln responded quietly. "You weren't that long, only about 15 minutes."
Lexa was surprised it had only been that long; it felt like she had been with Clarke for much longer, and not nearly long enough. She nodded and moved over to wake Raven while Lincoln gently shook Octavia awake and they all headed out to Lincoln's truck.
Octavia shot Lexa a quick glance but decided against saying anything about the things she had noticed this evening. Instead, stifling a jaw-cracking yawn into the crook of her elbow and walking in silence with everyone else.
Raven was also uncharacteristically quiet, lost in her thoughts around the events of the night; battling her sense of guilt for not being present when Finn showed up because maybe she could have done something. She knew, intellectually, that her presence would have made little difference, but it didn't stop her from feeling guilty or wishing it had been different.
Lincoln didn't fail to notice that the moment they stepped out of the doors of the hospital and into the cold night air, how Lexa relaxed marginally and seemed to stand up a bit straighter as if a weight had lifted from her shoulders. He had nothing but admiration for the strength of his cousin; he did not begrudge her the last two years and how she chose to deal with what life had handed her. Lincoln sincerely hoped that what was beginning, the life that was coming back into Lexa's eyes would continue. He hoped that Lexa would allow it to, and he had a feeling that Clarke Griffin would play a significant role in that. He also hoped with all his heart that what had happened tonight would not cause Lexa to close off and retreat into her self-imposed emotional solitude.
Lincoln drove Octavia and Raven to their respective homes, Raven commenting that she would pick up her truck later and get all their left-behind belongings at the same time. They all said somber goodbyes, and after they had dropped Octavia off at her house, Lincoln and Lexa drove home in silence.
Lexa was deep in thought, and Lincoln knew better than to impose small talk on his cousin, letting her work out what she needed to on her own. He was aware that she would speak to him if she needed to when she was ready. So he was surprised when she suddenly blurted "I need to call Anya."
"What?" he said glancing at her quickly and then back to the road.
"I need to call Anya," Lexa repeated slowly. She was looking at her hands in her lap, fidgeting with her fingers in a small show of anxiety.
"Why now?" he asked curiously, and then added, "When was the last time you spoke to her?"
"Too much time," Lexa stated simply. "She is, was, my best friend, and I just left her behind when I came out here. I've texted her a few times, to wish her a happy birthday or happy holidays, but I haven't spoken to her in almost two years. I've been a horrible friend," she finished softly.
"Phones work both ways, Lexa," he stated softly. "She could have called you."
"She did. She called a few times in the beginning, but I shut her out, so she stopped trying."
"But now you're going to call her?"
"Yes."
With that short declaration, Lincoln knew the conversation was over, so he drove the rest of the way home in silence.