Chapter 12 - Anya
Note: Well friends, this chapter does nothing to move the story along, except give you a bit more insight into Lexa's state of mind. I was also feeling bad for Lexa because she really only has Lincoln. Clarke has Octavia and Raven - Lexa needed a best friend too. I'm not sorry.
Thanks again, of course, to Sally for polishing this up for me and making it better.
Morning came and Lexa rolled out of bed, having not slept well at all. Her mind was a whirl of thoughts and feelings and she was having a hard time managing all of it. The need to get herself together and start looking at everything with her head and not her heart was paramount in her mind. One thing she was sure of after last night was that Clarke Griffin was an unstoppable force of nature that she had no chance of escaping unless she removed herself from her path.
She couldn't deal with the wealth of emotions assaulting her senses and she needed to shut them down. Since most of her unease could be traced back easily to the blonde currently lying in the hospital, the solution seemed simple: avoid Clarke until she had herself sorted out. Don't go to see her, and don't think about her. It was with this sense of certainty that she headed out of her room to ready herself for her day.
She had lasted about 5 minutes before her mind wandered back to Clarke and how she might be doing. Well, she thought sarcastically, this plan is going to be a howling success. She scowled and made her way into the living room, locating the home phone. She pulled out her cell and found Anya's contact information and sent her a quick text.
Lex: Anya. I would like to talk to you. Can I call you?
Lexa looked at the message and then deleted it, picking up the home phone and dialing Anya's number instead. As she brought the phone to her ear, she tried to quell the butterflies that had begun to flutter in her stomach.
The phone rang four times and Lexa was about to hang up as she didn't want to leave a message when she heard a sleepy "Hello?"
Lexa didn't say anything for several moments, struck dumb hearing the voice of her friend on the other end of the line after so much time.
"Hello?" Anya said again more forcefully, curiosity and a hint of annoyance in her voice.
"An..." Lexa started hesitantly.
"Hello!" Anya practically yelled into the phone at the same time, not hearing Lexa. "Listen, asshat, it's six o'clock in the morning, so if you have something to say you'd better say it after waking me the hell up!"
Lexa couldn't help the small smile that tugged at her lips as she listened to the familiar voice rant in her trademark snark.
"Anya. It's me." Lexa said when the other girl had finished.
"What...who?" Anya puzzled, apparently not fully awake.
"It's me An. It's Lexa."
Silence greeted this announcement for several long moments before Anya breathed out "Well, holy shit."
Another long pause and Lexa let the silence hang, waiting for something, anything from Anya.
Finally. "To what do I owe the honor?" she said sarcastically, but Lexa could hear the hurt in Anya's voice, and she didn't blame her.
"I'm sorry," Lexa said, then paused before stating again, "I'm so very sorry, Anya."
Lexa could hear the other woman sigh into the phone before she responded quietly, all trace of hurt and anger now missing from her voice. "I know. Are you ok?"
"Yes...no...I don't know." Lexa sighed out just as quietly. "I'm sorry it's taken me so long, Anya. You didn't deserve me shutting you out; you didn't deserve any of this."
"Neither did you, kid," Anya murmured. After another short period of silence, Anya asked, "Why now?"
Lexa didn't pretend not to know what she meant, and merely said, "I miss you."
Anya snorted humorously, "It took you almost two years to realize you miss me?"
"No. I've always missed you," Lexa offered honestly, "I just wasn't ready to deal with everything that came along with having you in my life. There were too many memories associated with you that I couldn't handle."
"Yeah," Anya sighed, "I know, and I totally understand Lex, but it still hurt."
"I'm sorry Anya, really I am. I don't know what else to say," Lexa said. "I just couldn't. Before." Lexa finished.
"You said there were too many memories. You think you can handle them now?" Anya asked carefully.
Lexa sighed, "I don't know An, but what I do know is that I want my friend back...if you'll have me," she trailed off, hope evident in her voice.
"Oh Lexa," Anya softly said, "you know I'll always be here for you. I understand why you felt you had to shut me out, even if I didn't like or agree with it. I love you, kid. You're the little sister I never had; I would do anything for you."
Lexa's chest swelled with affection as she listened to her friend and tears filled her eyes.
"Thank you, Anya," Lexa whispered, wiping her face as a single tear managed to break free.
"So," Anya said with certainty, "something has happened. I can't believe that just out of the blue you decided you needed me. That's not how you work; something happened that drove you to call, so spill it."
Lexa sighed, feeling slightly guilty that she couldn't refute Anya's statement.
"I...I met someone, An," Lexa practically whispered.
"You met someone? I'm sure you've met a lot of people in the last two years, Lexa, would you care to be more specific?" Anya drawled.
Lexa scowled, almost regretting her decision. "Don't be obtuse. You know what I mean."
Anya chuckled humorously and said, "So, you met someone. And?"
"I met someone, and now I'm a mess. Not that I wasn't a mess before, but now I'm even more of a mess." Lexa admitted.
"Who is she and why does she make you a mess?" Anya asked.
"Her name is Clarke, and she's like no one I've ever met before." Lexa paused and then plowed on, exposing her thoughts to her friend in hopes of some understanding or clarity from the verbalization of the things that had been rolling around in her mind for the last week. And especially in the last twelve hours.
"I'm just so drawn to her. It's like she's a black hole - the pull of a gravitational force that I can't escape, whenever I get close to her. I can't control how I feel and can barely control how I act." Lexa thought about mentioning the tingling and the current that flashed through her body when she and Clarke touched, but decided to keep that to herself for now.
Instead, she said quietly, "It terrifies me, and I don't know what to do."
After several long moments of silence, Anya finally responded. "Wow. I don't think I've ever heard you talk about someone like that. Ever."
Lexa heard the unspoken comment buried in her friend's assessment and guilt rose in her gut.
"I know," Lexa replied shamefully, "I haven't. I don't know what to do, An. I feel guilty because it wasn't like this, before. Never has it been like this. It already feels like it could be so much more and I've only known her for a week. God, a week and it seems like forever - it's crazy! I don't know how I should feel or how I can feel, especially after last night."
"What? Why what happened last night?"
"I went to a party and," Lexa started before she was abruptly cut off by her astounded friend.
"YOU went to a party?" Anya asked incredulously. "You hate parties! I had to drag you kicking and screaming to every party I ever wanted to go to. And then you'd refuse to enjoy yourself."
Lexa sighed before answering. "I didn't want to go to this one either - not really, but Clarke asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes before I even realized what I was doing."
"Huh." Anya huffed out, "I need to meet this mystery girl that can get you to attend a party just by asking. I'm assuming you at least knew people going to this party?"
"Uh, no," Lexa murmured. "Just Clarke and a couple of her friends from her hockey team."
"Oh my God Lexa, she plays hockey?" Anya shouted, ignoring the fact that not only did her introverted friend attend a party voluntarily, but a party where she knew next to no one. "Have you seen her play? Is she any good?"
"I met her when my team played hers last week, so yes, I've seen her play and yes, she is excellent," Lexa responded.
"What!? Holy crap Lex, you just keep dropping the bombs on me - you're playing hockey again?" Anya asked, clearly astounded.
"Yes, Anya," Lexa said patiently, "I'm playing hockey again; I started this fall on Gustus' team."
"Crap. Sorry, but I'm so glad you decided to play again. How's your team doing?"
"Very well, second only to Clarke's team. Now, can you focus, please?"
"Right, right. Sorry. Wow, okay. Sorry. Okay." Anya babbled. "What's your point total for the year?"
"Anya!" Lexa practically shouted into the phone.
Anya stopped and took a few seconds to collect herself, and set her mind to the things Lexa had been talking about before the party and hockey revelations. Her mind still reeling from the tremendous amount of information she had already learned about her estranged friend, she took a deep breath and calmly said "Okay. You went to a party, and now you're terrified. Why?"
"I was, surprisingly, having a fantastic time," Lexa started, "but then Clarke's boyfriend..."
"What!?" Anya screamed, interrupting Lexa again. "She has a boyfriend? What the hell, Lex?"
"Sorry. I meant ex-boyfriend." Lexa added sheepishly.
"Oh, okay. So she's bi, then?" Anya asked.
"I honestly don't know," Lexa replied. "We only just met and yesterday was the longest we had spent together, and the topic didn't exactly come up. Just before the night went to shit, though, I thought she might kiss me."
Anya let out a low whistle before letting out a series of rapid fire questions. "Wow, okay. How was that? Would you have let her kiss you? How were you feeling? Did you want to kiss her?"
Lexa barked out a humorous laugh. "Well, that's the million-dollar question isn't it?"
"Which one?"
"All of them, I guess," Lexa responded.
"Well," Anya prodded, "can you answer any of them?"
"I was terrified, excited and nervous all at the same time," Lexa said. "It was as if my body took over and I had no control over what I was going to do or say to her. I just reacted - and I was responding to Clarke on a level I've never experienced before."
"Wow, okay, but I'm confused," Anya admitted. "Why didn't you kiss if all that was happening?"
"I did mention her ex-boyfriend and the night going to shit, remember?" Lexa responded dryly.
"Oh yes. So much information - sorry. Continue, I'll do my best not to interrupt again," Anya promised.
Lexa sighed, not believing it for a moment. "So, Clarke and I had been talking, and the next thing I knew we were only inches apart, and my hand was on her thigh, and our eyes were locked. I saw her glance at my lips, and I know I looked at hers more than once, and I swear she started to lean in, Anya, and then," Lexa paused.
"What? And then what Lexa?" Anya yelled.
"And then Clarke's friend Octavia practically landed on top of us, hollering that Finn was at the party and that he was drunk, and that he was looking for Clarke. I had no idea who Finn was at that point, but I could tell that it distressed Clarke greatly that he was there. The next think I knew Clarke was gone, and I was following Octavia towards the kitchen. When we got there, we were just in time to see this Finn jerk advancing on Clarke, who tripped when she tried to back away from him. She fell and hit her head on a stool on the way down and was knocked unconscious. Lincoln and I started towards the asshole when he grabbed a knife and within a few seconds, he had managed to slice into another of Clarke's friends and escape through the patio door in the kitchen." Lexa rushed out and then paused to catch her breath before continuing.
"When I looked back at Clarke, all I saw was the blood Anya," Lexa's voice was soft as she tried to control the shaking that she could feel starting, and the tightness in her throat. "Her head was bleeding, she still hadn't woken up, and she was just lying there. I didn't know what to do, and I was terrified," Lexa finished shakily.
"Oh, Lexa," Anya said with sympathy.
"The police and the paramedics came and took her to the hospital. I had to give a statement because of my 'involvement' when Finn cut Jasper. Octavia asked me if I was going to the hospital and I almost had a heart-attack. On one hand I needed to make sure that Clarke was okay and on the other..." she trailed off quietly.
"I know Lex; I'm so sorry you had to go through that," Anya whispered into the phone.
Lexa took a steadying breath and went on, "I decided to go. Lincoln drove us but when it came time to go in; I couldn't. I just stood outside and told Octavia to go in without me. Lincoln came and talked me through it, and I eventually went in, but was on the verge of a panic attack the whole time. Clarke's mom is a doctor, and she came to tell us about Clarke, but seriously, Anya, I thought my head was going to explode while I sat there and waited. I honestly don't know how I managed to keep it together."
"But you did," Anya succinctly stated, "and that is something in and of itself if you ask me."
"Yes, it was a close thing, though," Lexa quietly replied. "When Dr. Griffin came to explain what was going on with Clarke, I was so close to the edge that I could barely register what she was saying. If it wasn't for Lincoln's hand on my shoulder, keeping me grounded, I might have flown apart right there in front of everyone."
"I wish I could have been there for you," Anya softly said.
"I know," Lexa replied, pausing for a moment before continuing with her narrative. "Then the most incredible, or weirdest, thing happened. Dr. Griffin sent Clarke's friends up to see her and then came and sat with me. It was like she knew what was going on in my head and she could sense how on edge I was. She talked me through the imminent panic attack I was about to have and I managed to calm down enough to stand and function again."
Lexa paused briefly before taking a deep breath and continuing. "She knew I had lost someone, knew I was having a hard time in the hospital, and she made me feel like it was okay to feel that way. She reassured me that Clarke was going to be okay like she knew that the fear of loss was what was paralyzing me, and she made sure to lift that burden. It was so refreshing, Anya, to know that someone could look at me in that situation and show compassion, sympathy, so much care, but no pity. In Seattle, it always felt like I was drowning in pity," Lexa finished hesitantly.
Anya's breath hitched as she said, "I didn't know, I'm so sorry, Lexa."
"It's not your fault, Anya. None of it was ever your fault. I let you become the collateral damage to my emotional state, and I will forever regret that" Lexa admitted.
"I understand, Lex, I do. I'm just glad we're talking now" Anya said before adding, "Did you go up and see Clarke?"
"Yes," Lexa replied, nodding to herself. "Dr. Griffin took me up, and I went in and spent about 15 minutes with her before she fell asleep. It wasn't easy, Anya. I was tense and still pretty on edge, but I'm glad I went and saw for myself that she was all right."
"Are you going to go back today?" Anya inquired.
"No, I don't think so." Lexa slowly said. "I made it through once, I'm not sure I could do it again so quickly, and Dr. Griffin said Clarke would most likely go home today." Lexa paused, her stomach clenching at the thought of Clarke lying in the hospital bed in obvious pain.
"I don't know what to do, Anya. I can't stop thinking about her, but I feel weak and helpless at the same time. She could have been hurt so badly last night; the whole situation could have been so much worse, and I can't stop thinking about all the 'what if's.' I'm confused and worried, but above all, I'm terrified. Scared that if I let myself care for her and I lose her...I don't think I could survive that a second time, Anya." Lexa's voice finally broke, and she sniffed quietly, wiping her nose on the back of her hand.
"Oh Lex," Anya commented softly.
Silence fell between the two, but it was a comfortable one, both taking comfort in the steady breathing of the other for several moments until Anya finally took a deep breath and announced, "I'm coming to visit you."
"What?" Lexa exclaimed. "Anya, you don't have to do that. I mean, of course, I would love to see you, but you don't have to come all the way across the country."
"Lexa. I haven't seen you in over two years, and I haven't spoken to you in almost as long. I have some vacation time saved up from work, and they've been bugging me to use it up, so this seems like a perfect opportunity to do so. That is, of course, assuming you want me to come?" she asked hesitantly.
"Oh my God, Anya, yes! Yes! I would love for you to come. When? Can you come for Christmas? Lincoln and Gustus would love to have you here I'm sure; there's lots of room," Lexa gushed, excitement evident in her voice.
Anya laughed. "Settle down, kid. Let me make some calls and check into some things and I'll let you know okay? You check and make sure it's ok that I stay with you at Gustus' and we'll go from there."
"Ok. Ok, I'll ask Gustus as soon as he gets up. Oh, sorry for calling so early by the way. I just needed," Lexa sheepishly started before Anya cut her off.
"Don't ever be sorry that you need to talk to me Lexa - no matter what time it is, okay?"
"Okay," Lexa affectionately replied. "I'll let you go so you can organize your trip. Text me when you know what's up and I'll let you know what Gustus says ASAP."
The women hung up, Lexa feeling lighter than she had in years. Calling Anya had been a great decision, and she regretted not doing it sooner. However, if Lexa was honest with herself, sooner wasn't an option, and if Clarke Griffin hadn't infiltrated her life, it might not have happened now. So, even if nothing else occurred between Clarke and herself, she would always be grateful to the blonde woman for being responsible for setting her back on the path to her best friend.
Lex: I talked to Gustus, and he said to tell you that you are most welcome to come and stay for as long as you like. Lincoln is also excited to see you.
Lex: I think Linc is still in shock that I called you
Lex: and that you don't totally hate me ;)
Anya: I got the time off from work. I can come over Christmas. I just need to know when you want me to come and how long I should stay.
Lex: Come now! As soon as you can - please, and stay as long as you can too.
Anya: Haha. Ok, give me a minute.
Lexa checked her phone regularly for the next 15 minutes until Anya's next text came through.
Anya: I got a flight for tomorrow. I arrive at 3:00 pm. I hope that's all right; it was the only option in the next couple of days that didn't get me in at an ungodly hour.
Anya: I have three weeks' time available, so I decided to use all of it, but I can change the ticket if it's too much.
Lex: I'm going to see you tomorrow! I will be there to pick you up, and of course, you can stay for the whole three weeks, don't be silly.
Anya: Ok, then. I'm going to pack and get ready to come and see my best friend. I'm excited to see you again too. See you tomorrow. xo
Lex: Am I still your best friend?
Lexa waited with bated breath for her friend's response.
Anya: You are. Still, and for always. No matter what. See you tomorrow. xo
Lexa let out a stuttering sigh as she sent a final text back to Anya.
Lex: You are still my best friend too, An. I'll see you tomorrow. xo
Lexa put her phone away, let Lincoln and Gustus know that Anya would be joining them tomorrow and staying until after the New Year. Then she went and prepared the guest room and helped Gustus clean the house, so everything was ready for their guest's arrival.
Lexa realized, well into the evening that she hadn't found out if Clarke had been released from the hospital. She felt slightly guilty about not taking the time to see if Clarke was at home. However, at the same time, she couldn't deny the slight relief she felt in having her mind so preoccupied with Anya's arrival for the past several hours that she hadn't been mired in confusion when she thought about the blonde.
Lexa pushed aside her unease and pulled out her phone and sent Clarke a text.
Lexa: Hello, Clarke. I hope you are doing okay and that you are resting comfortably at home by now.
Clarke: Hi Lexa. It's Abby, Clarke's mom. Clarke is at home but is resting. I will be handling her correspondence for the time being. I will certainly let her know that you messaged. Thank you for being in touch.
Lexa looked at the message on her screen and felt her chest tighten again, and a small flare of anger rise at the whole situation. Her heart ached for Clarke as she thought about all she was going through right now, and Lexa desperately wished that she could do something to help. Obviously, she could do nothing, not while Clarke was incommunicado at any rate. Lexa sighed and put away her phone and once again she found herself waiting.