Ok, so I'm a day early, but I'm home from vacation and I am really happy with this chapter, so I wanted to get it up here.
Thanks again to Sally for Beta reading this one and telling me it was 'amazing' (plus she didn't make me fix much which is always a bonus!)
"You lift my heart up when the rest of me is down,
You, you enchant me even when you're not around
If there are boundaries, I will try to knock them down
I'm latching on, babe, not that I know what I have found."
The park was quiet and peaceful, all sounds from surrounding areas muffled by the thick blanket of snow on the ground. Lexa and Clarke were the only souls to brave the cold for a walk in the deserted park, and Clarke hummed in contentment, squeezing Lexa's arm slightly.
"It's beautiful in here like this," Clarke mused. "The absence of colour is a dichotomy of the greens of summer or the gold and reds of fall; that absence makes the landscape seem so pure, so clean."
Clarke paused then let go of Lexa's arm and fell back into a small drift of snow and started making a snow angel and looked up at a shocked Lexa with a small smile on her face. "I tried to draw a winter-scape a few times," Clarke said, still swishing her arms and legs back and forth through the snow. "I couldn't get it right; it always came out looking gray and dirty - I couldn't seem to capture the pureness, the newness of the snow. I think I might just try again, though."
At that, she stopped her motion and carefully got up from her space as to not disturb the 'angel' she had just made and stepped out to the right and then turned and looked down at her creation while brushing off the clinging snow from her pants and the backs of her arms. She nodded at her handiwork and then turned back to regard Lexa, who had been observing Clarke's antics in silence.
Clarke tilted her head to the side and searched Lexa's face. "Yeah," she breathed out, "I'm definitely going to try again."
Clarke's eyes never left Lexa's face, shifting over every line, curve, and angle of her cheekbones, brow and jaw. Lexa moved forward and put her hands on Clarke's shoulders and held them there for a moment as Lexa watched as Clarke's eyes seemed to map out her face. Lexa gently pushed on one shoulder, and Clarke reluctantly allowed Lexa to turn her, not wanting to abandon her study of the brunette's face. She tried to look back at Lexa but then squealed and jumped before she giggled as some of the lingering snow that Lexa was lightly brushing off her coat and cap fell down the back of her shirt.
Lexa froze and whispered a hoarse "Sorry," before stepping away from Clarke. Her heart was beating way too fast, and her hands shook. Watching Clarke play in the snow while she casually talked about art had sent Lexa's chest into spasms. When she had gotten up and seemingly continued her train of thought, but looked at Lexa like she was the most precious thing in the world, Lexa wondered if maybe Clarke wasn't talking solely about her art anymore. That made her heart beat even faster.
Clarke noticed Lexa's shaking hands and then glanced at her bare head. "Oh, God, Lex. I'm sorry, you must be freezing!"
Lexa looked at her, confused for a moment, then realized that Clarke had jumped to the wrong conclusion about her shaking hands. She stuffed her traitorous gloved hands into her pockets and shook her head. "No, I'm fine, Clarke. I'll let you know if I get too cold."
"Oh, okay. If you're sure," Clarke said, looking at Lexa curiously.
Lexa just nodded and started to stroll down the snow-covered path again. Clarke fell into step with her after a moment.
"So, Lexa," Clarke began, "since I embarrassingly monopolized our time together three weeks ago, talking about myself…– I'd like to know more about you. Tell me something about yourself?"
"Like what?" Lexa asked looking at Clarke.
"Anything. Everything," Clarke sincerely said.
Lexa laughed with a decided lack of humor. "That wouldn't be worth your time, Clarke."
Clarke stopped, reached out, and hooked her hand in Lexa's elbow, bringing her to a halt and turning her so that they were face to face.
"Who are you, Lexa Woods?" Clarke asked, searching her face. "Where did you come from?" She shifted slightly, letting go of Lexa's arm and dropped her eyes.
"And why haven't we met before now?" she whispered. Where have you been, she thought to herself and then wondered where the thought had originated.
Lexa swallowed back the lump that had started to form in her throat at Clarke's whisper, but couldn't bring herself to say anything.
Clarke looked back up at her, eyes shining and smiled. "It's okay. I can see it, you know. I'm here when you're ready."
Clarke looked Lexa right in the eye and said, "I want more than anything to know you, Lexa."
Lexa looked at Clarke in shock, wondering what the blonde was referring too. What could she see? Lexa wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answer, but her tongue seem to have a mind of its own when she blurted out, "See what? What can you see?"
Clarke gave her a smile, grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze before looping her arm through Lexa's again and turning them to continue their walk.
"I'm going to tell you about Finn," Clarke said with a sigh, ignoring the brunette's questioning look, knowing in her heart that Lexa wasn't ready, yet.
"What?" Lexa asked, confused by the abrupt change in topic, but simultaneously relieved.
"Finn," Clarke said patiently. "You must be curious why he did what he did? What prompted that mess? Everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault, but it is," Clarke finished quietly.
"I don't believe that, Clarke. I was there. You did nothing to provoke that kind of reaction," Lexa soothed.
"That's just it, though. It wasn't what I did or didn't do at the party. It was what I did a few days before that," Clarke sadly said, shaking her head.
"You broke up with him," Lexa stated.
Clarke's head snapped up and she looked at Lexa in surprise. "How did you..."
"Octavia told me on the way to the...the hospital," Lexa swallowed. "She said he didn't take it well. But that still doesn't excuse what he did, nor does it put the blame on you," Lexa finished firmly.
"You don't know everything, though," Clarke quietly said, shaking her head. "He didn't see it coming, I blindsided him with it. Hell, even I didn't even see it coming," she said with a hoarse laugh.
"I don't understand. Did you not want to break up with him?" Lexa asked, confused.
"Yes, I wanted to break up with him. The knowledge that I wanted to, though, hit me out of the blue," Clarke said sneaking a quick glance at Lexa and away again. "I knew that how I was feeling wasn't fair to him. I also knew that if I were happy, I wouldn't be feeling that way. I suppose I could have left him hanging on, while I sorted things out, but again, it wouldn't have been fair - to either of us. In the span of about 10 minutes, I knew it was over, that I would never feel for him what I suspected he felt for me. In truth, I had been worried for months. I wondered if there was something wrong with me, why it seemed I couldn't make that connection with someone that would allow that depth of feeling I had been missing in all of my relationships. So I ended it, with no warning, no discussion, no anything. I invited him over for lunch, and it was over 20 minutes later. And, yeah, he didn't take it well. I could have...I should have done it differently."
There were a lot of questions racing around in Lexa's mind, each clamoring for attention, and she tried to focus on the most logical order to ask them, but at the same time just wanted to wrap Clarke up in her arms and make her feel better.
She decided on the first question that came to mind.
"What else could you have done, Clarke? Could you have drawn it out, talked about it more, given him a heads up about how you were feeling? Would that have changed the outcome? Would you not have broken up with him, then?"
"No," Clarke said tiredly. "I still would have broken up with him. I could have done all those things, but it would have made us both miserable. Him, because he would have spent that time and tried to change my mind, and me because I knew I wouldn't and knew I was hurting him. But I just can't help thinking that if I had done that, then maybe he wouldn't have reacted so badly and shown up at Jasper's drunk and..."
"It's not your fault, Clarke," Lexa said firmly, interrupting her and taking her by the shoulders, effectively stopping their walk yet again. "You did what was best for you, and ultimately what would hurt Finn the least. His reaction is all on him - not you. Never you. Okay?"
All of her friends and family had said similar things to Clarke over the last three weeks, but it seemed to hit home for her when Lexa said it. Clarke took the words to heart and felt the burden lift from her shoulders, making her feel lighter. She stood just a bit straighter as she nodded before she looked away from Lexa's green eyes, boring into hers.
"You said were worried," Lexa said after a short pause, releasing Clarke's shoulders as she spoke.
"What?" Clarke asked, brows quirked.
"You said that you 'were worried' and that it 'seemed you couldn't make a connection,' all past tense. What happened? Why the change?" Lexa asked, curious.
They had continued on their walk, in unspoken agreement when Lexa released Clarke's shoulders, but at this Clarke stopped again, looking at the ground, a small frown creasing her brows. Clarke sighed and looked to the sky, silently wondering if complete honesty was the way to go at this moment, or if she should deflect for the time being. She decided on honesty and hoped it was the right choice. She looked back at Lexa and regarded her solemnly for a moment before speaking quietly but intently, "I met someone who made me challenge the way I see...everything; the way I thought the world worked. Someone who took every emotion I have had and turned them on their heads and made me look at them in a different way. Someone I couldn't stop thinking about from the moment I met them, to the exclusion of everyone else, including Finn," she said the last with a wry smile. "Someone I have decided I need in my life in whatever capacity they will allow, someone I am determined to know."
Clarke did not break eye contact with Lexa through her whole speech, and Lexa could feel her heart beating faster with every word; hope battling with the terror within her, for what Clarke's words might mean. When Clarke finished, Lexa swallowed through the thick lump that had formed in her throat and cleared it before trying to speak. "Ahh, um, you met someone?" she asked weakly.
Clarke grinned at her and nodded her head slowly once. "You asked me what happened, Lex?" Clarke took a step closer to the brunette never taking her eyes from hers. "You did," she whispered. "You happened, Lexa Woods."
Lexa gulped as she stared at Clarke, sure her heart was going to beat right out of her chest. "Clarke," she breathed out, but before she could say more, Clarke took another step closer and placed a gloved finger on her lips, cutting off whatever Lexa was about to say.
"Shhhh," Clarke murmured. "I don't expect anything from you, Lex. I just want to know you. I see you, Lexa Woods, and I want to know the real you, not the one you are presenting to the world right now."
"I...there are things, Clarke, that I...I don't know how..." Lexa stuttered, eyes shining.
"I know," Clarke confirmed softly taking her hand and stroking the back of it with her thumb. "I told you I could see it."
"See what?" Lexa whispered brokenly.
Clarke hesitated and then decided she might as well go all in, considering how far she had gone already. She looked at Lexa and narrowed her eyes and cocked her head to the side slightly, before softly whispering back, "Your pain, your fear. I can see it in your eyes, just below the surface - even when you smile. Sometimes, like last night, it's buried deep. Other times, like now, it is simmering just below the surface like it's threatening to engulf you and you are just staying ahead of it."
Clarke looked at Lexa carefully; she had felt the woman stiffen at her words, but she hadn't pulled away, and she wondered if she should say what she felt bubbling in her chest. She squeezed Lexa's hand again and whispered, "I hope that you will let me in, so I can help you defeat your demons, and heal your scars, Lex. I know you have them - I do too. I don't know how I know, I just do."
Clarke looked down at their joined hands and raised them up just a fraction and then looked back at Lexa and back to their hands again. "Perhaps, this," she said indicating their clasped hands with her other hand and then indicating between the two of them. "I know you can feel this...whatever this is between us when we touch. I remember it happening at the hospital, and asking you about it," she said, grinning at Lexa, who nodded shyly in confirmation.
"So, perhaps this has something to do with how I feel like I know you already, without knowing you at all. I want you to know that if you let me, I will stand by you and be your strength when you need it; I will hold you up if you fall. I want nothing more than to be there for you, Lexa."
Lexa searched Clarke's face, seeing only openness and honesty shining back at her. The tears that had been building in Lexa's eyes, from the moment Clarke mentioned she could see Lexa's pain, finally spilled over and tracked down Lexa's cold cheeks. Still, she didn't move, staring at Clarke in awe, her heart beating so fast and so hard, she was sure she was going to go into cardiac arrest at any moment. Clarke saw the tears and took another tiny step forward, slowly. She released Lexa's hand, pulled off her gloves and shoved them into her pockets and then reached up and cupped Lexa's cold cheeks in her glove warmed hands, and wiped the tears away with her thumbs. Lexa recovered enough to place her hands on Clarke's waist, not unaware, as she knew Clarke was not, of the tingling in her cheeks where Clarke's hands touched her. Neither woman moved, eyes locked in the middle of a deserted park. Finally, Lexa raised her hands and covered Clarke's.
"Your hands must be getting cold," she husked out.
"You're worth it," Clarke quietly said.
Lexa let out a shaky breath, and Clarke pulled her head closer so that their foreheads rested against each other. Lexa sighed and closed her eyes, painfully aware of how close Clarke's lips were, the light puffs of breath on her chin both calming her and making her heart race even further. It felt right, being there with Clarke. More right than anything she had ever felt. She felt Clarke pull away just enough to drag her nose lightly up her own and then place a soft kiss on the end of it before she released Lexa's face and stepped back, expelling a deep breath as she went. Lexa stood there with her eyes closed for a heartbeat more, before opening them and looking directly into the cerulean blue she had discovered she liked so much.
Clarke had wanted so badly to take Lexa's plump lips with her own and had to stop herself from closing the small gap between them. She shivered slightly with both the effort it took to stop herself and the feel of the other woman in her hands before she forced herself to step back. Clarke looked at her for a moment more before giving Lexa a soft smile. "Your ears are turning blue, Commander. We should get you home."
Lexa's stomach did a twist when Clarke called her Commander, but she wasn't sure why. "Why did you call me that?" she asked as they turned to head back to the park entrance.
"What? Commander?" Clarke shrugged. "Octavia and Raven started calling you that after we played each other, something to do with how well you captained your team, I guess. This is the first time I've used it, though, and I'm not sure why I did now, it just fits, I guess. It feels comfortable - like it belongs to you." Clarke shrugged again and looked away.
Lexa looked at Clarke and nodded to herself. "I'm not sure how I feel about it when Raven and Octavia use it, but from you...I like it," she said shyly.
"Then I'll save it for special occasions," Clarke said with a smile. She walked beside Lexa and let her hand brush against Lexa's as they walked, and was pleased when Lexa finally hooked her pinky around Clarke's as they made their way back to the car.
Clarke drove Lexa home, and they sat in comfortable silence in the driveway for a few minutes, before Lexa unbuckled with a sigh and took a quick look at Clarke. Clarke had been unabashedly staring at Lexa while the other woman fidgeted with her fingers, and didn't look away as Lexa's eyes found hers.
"Thank you for today," Lexa murmured.
Clarke smiled at her and reached over and squeezed her forearm. "Anytime. And, Lex?" Clarke said, looking more intently at the brunette and squeezing her arm again. "I meant every word I said. I'm here for you, for whenever and whatever you may need."
Lexa nodded slowly and reached over and laid her hand over Clarke's, marveling again at the tingling in her hand. "I know. Text me when you get home okay?"
Clarke nodded and leaned over and placed a chaste kiss on Lexa's cheek then pulled back and whispered, "Have a great night, Lex. I'll talk to you later."
Lexa nodded again, not trusting herself to speak and stepped out of the car and made her way to the door. Clarke waited until Lexa had unlocked the door, and turned to give her a small wave before she pulled out of the driveway and headed home.
"How do you do it? You got me losing every breath.
What did you give me to make my heart beat out my chest?"