Note* Sorry this took so long. Here is almost 5000 words of...well, set up, I suppose. This was another mammoth chapter but I figured out a decent place to split it, so part 2 is with my beta reader now, so hopefully the next update isn't far behind this one.
Thanks as always to my beta reader Sally, who, with all the craziness and turmoil of this last week in the U.S.A., still managed to edit this for me. Thanks Sal.
Also thanks to my wife, who reads this first and tells me if things are weird. I appreciate that more than I can say, because sometimes what I see in my head, doesn't translate very well to paper on occasion.
Lastly, thanks to all of you who are sticking with this story, even though the updates have slowed down. I appreciate each and every view, and treasure all the comments. So thank you all. I hope you enjoy this installment.
Chapter 22 – This is Not the End – Part 1
If it be your will to speak
Of memories we often shared
Talk to me of days gone by
Think of love and not despair
And when I'm gone
We'll meet again
As often do the closest friends
So dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end…
Wednesday evening rolled around, and Clarke had gotten together with both Octavia and Raven earlier that afternoon as Raven got ready for her date with Anya. Raven tried to act casual about the upcoming evening, but the fact that she changed outfits four times said volumes to her friends about how nervous she was.
"Where are you taking her?" Octavia asked as Raven pulled out yet another outfit from her closet and held it up in front of her.
"How about this one? Would this be better?" she asked the room at large, ignoring the question entirely.
Clarke rolled her eyes. "Raven, seriously, you've changed twice already. The dress you have on now is gorgeous, and the dress you are holding is just as beautiful just in red instead of black. Anya would enjoy herself even if you showed up in jeans. Now, where are you taking her?"
Raven looked at the dress one more time before tossing it on the bed and stripping out of the black cocktail dress she currently had on and pulled on the red one.
"Raven!" Octavia and Clarke yelled at the same time.
Raven popped her head through the dress and glared at her friends. "I'm taking her to DBGB on Palmer Alley," Raven said. "I thought we could walk along the alley, and then head to the restaurant. I made a reservation for 7."
"Ummm," Clarke said carefully, "if you are going to walk Palmer Alley and eat at DBGB, isn't that dress a little over the top? Come to think of it, did Anya even bring anything that could match your current level of sophistication?"
"Oh, my, God," Raven said, her face went pale as realization hit. "I didn't even think of that, you guys! I was so focused on looking good for her that I didn't even think about what she could wear. I would have never forgiven myself if I had made her feel uncomfortable. And you're right; we don't need to be dressed to the nines tonight. Thank you," she said sincerely to Clarke.
Clarke smiled at her best friend, "No problem, that's what we're here for," she said as she indicated herself and Octavia.
"Yep," Octavia agreed. "Keeping your ass out of the fire is a full-time job, Reyes. What would you do without us?"
Raven chose not to reply but instead threw her now discarded red dress at Octavia and Clarke chuckled as it draped over the smaller brunettes head.
"So what are you going to wear instead of a dress, then?" Clarke asked.
"I guess I'll go with a nice pair of pants and a button up," Raven replied. "You think that will be okay?"
"It'll be great, Rae," Octavia said as she walked over and hung up the dress from which she had recently freed herself.
Octavia rummaged around in Raven's closet until she found a silky, Bordeaux-coloured button up. She turned to Raven and threw it at her. "Here, wear this, untucked, and those soft, skinny, black pants you have that show off your ass. Add your lace up boots and your leather jacket, and you will knock Anya's socks off without looking like you're trying too hard – because right now, you are trying too hard."
Raven caught the shirt and stuck her tongue out at her friend while Clarke laughed at the two of them from her seat at Raven's desk. "She's right, Rae. That outfit will rock, and Anya shouldn't have any trouble dressing to match. Have you told her what to wear yet?" Clarke asked.
"No, not yet – I should probably do that," Raven said as she buttoned up her shirt.
Clarke pulled out her phone and waved it at Raven. "I can call Lexa if you want and ask her to let Anya know."
Raven grinned at her blonde friend and then shared a knowing look with Octavia while Clarke's head was down, focused on her phone.
"Don't you have her in your top ten favs, Clarke?" Octavia asked playfully.
"Yeah, Clarke. I'm surprised you don't have her number memorized by now," Raven quipped.
"I do, but just finding it in recent contacts is faster," Clarke distractedly replied, and then froze and blushed a deep red as she realized what she had just said.
Both of her friends were looking at her in amusement, wide grins on both of their faces.
"Shut up, both of you," Clarke growled, opening up a message to Lexa instead of the call she was initially going to make. As much as she would have loved to speak to the beautiful brunette, she wasn't about to have Lexa in hearing distance of her asshole friends, if they decided to tease her about what she had just let slip out.
Clarke: Hi Lexa. I'm with Raven, and she's freaking out about her date with Anya. But don't tell her I said that. ;)
It only took a moment for Lexa to respond.
Lexa: my lips are sealed. Anya is losing her mind as well. Don't tell her I said that either.
Clarke: I'll take it to the grave. Raven is busy putting on her fourth outfit of the evening, but I think she's done, finally. Please let Anya know to wear something casual. Raven is going with a button up, skinny pants and boots.
Lexa: skinny jeans or leggings?
Clarke: neither, more of a skinny, soft cotton/stretchy pant, with pockets. I guess you could call the look business casual.
Lexa: right. I'll let Anya know, maybe now she can just pick something and get dressed.
Clarke hesitated briefly before typing out:
Clarke: how was your day?
Lexa: pretty good. Anya and I just hung out and talked. We watched Sense8 on Netflix and just relaxed. At least we were relaxed up to about an hour ago.
Lexa: How about you?
Clarke: Also pretty good. I went to the gym this morning and then spent some time with my mom and dad. I came over to Raven's right after that and have been watching her slowly lose it ever since.
Lexa: How was the gym? Everything go ok?
Clarke: Really good, thanks. I worked out on the elliptical for about 30 minutes and got my heart rate up to a good cardio workout rate. No headache, and I feel great. My mom was pleased, so I get to participate fully in practice tomorrow.
Lexa: That's great, Clarke. I'm happy for you.
Lexa: What are your plans for this evening?
Clarke: Thanks, Lex. Apparently Lincoln is working, so Octavia and I are just going to order some pizza and watch some Netflix at my house. We were thinking about re-watching Jessica Jones.
Clarke: What are you doing?
Lexa: No firm plans, probably just doing some reading
Clarke looked up from her phone, "O, what do you…" she trailed off when she saw her two friends watching her with amused smirks on their faces. Clarke scowled at them. "What?!"
"You had the stupidest grin on your face the whole time you were on your phone," Octavia chortled.
"You've got it bad, Griff," Raven chuckled.
Clarke rolled her eyes. "You guys are acting like I have no idea how I feel. When you know that I do, and I know that you know that I do, so just quit it. It's blatantly obvious to anyone with eyes that I am completely and totally into Lexa."
"Except for Lexa," Raven said, surprisingly serious.
"We're sorry, Clarke," Octavia said, shooting Raven a withering glare. "We just like seeing you happy, and it is obvious that Lexa makes you happy."
"I could be happier," Clarke mumbled under her breath.
Her friends heard her, and both came to sit down beside her. "Why don't you just ask her out?" Octavia asked.
Clarke sighed. "I can't. Not yet," she said sadly, shaking her head. "Right now I have to be okay with being her friend. There's something big holding her back, making her sad and guarded." Clarke looked at both her friends before dropping her gaze back to her hands. "She told me some things yesterday at the Dropship that amazed me, but just left me with more questions. I know Lexa will tell me eventually, I can see it in her eyes. I can feel it…but she's not ready. I need for her to be ready."
"What kinds of things?" Octavia asked, curious. She knew that Lexa had had some huge issues in the hospital when Clarke was injured, and she had asked Lincoln about it later. He had told her that it wasn't his story to tell, so she let it drop. She wondered if Clarke knew all that had happened in the waiting room at the hospital but decided now was not the time to find out.
"What?" Clarke said, looking up at Octavia.
"What things did she tell you?" Octavia clarified.
"Oh. Some stuff about hockey and being asked to…" Clarke trailed off and looked again at both her friends before continuing. "You know, I think what she told me is connected to whatever else she is holding back. I think maybe it's best if I don't say anything until I know the whole story. Okay?" Clarke pleaded silently with her friends for them to understand.
Both of them regarded Clarke carefully before Raven nodded and slapped Clarke on the back, seamlessly changing the subject. "Don't worry, Griffin. You can live vicariously through me. At least I'm getting some."
"Hey!" Octavia yelled indignantly. "I'm getting some too!"
Clarke laughed and once again thought about how thankful she was to have such great friends.
Clarke suddenly realized she hadn't texted anything to Lexa, so she quickly asked Octavia, "Would you mind if we invited Lexa over for movies tonight?"
Octavia smiled and said, "I'd be pissed at you if we didn't."
Clarke gave her friend a quick hug and texted Lexa.
Clarke: Would you like to join O and me this evening?
It took a while for Lexa's response to come in, but when it did, Clarke couldn't keep the smile off her face.
Lexa: I would like that. Thank you. Can I bring anything?
"I will assume from the shit-eating grin on your face that Lexa's response was affirmative," Octavia laughed.
Clarke grinned even wider and quickly typed back a response.
Clarke: Just you. We have all we need at my house. We'll be heading over there as soon as Raven leaves to get Anya.
Lexa: Sounds good. I'll head over to your house after Anya heads out.
Clarke: Excellent, see you soon.
Clarke put her phone away, unable to wipe the smile off her face and helped Raven clean up the clothes strewn around her room.
"Oh! Raven. I totally forgot," Octavia exclaimed as they worked on tidying up Raven's room. "How was the Grounders practice last night?"
Clarke tried not to look obvious as her attention focused in on Raven. She had been dying to ask since she woke up this morning but managed to hold herself back both to avoid the inevitable teasing and to prove to herself that she could.
Raven shrugged as she continued to put away scattered articles of clothing. "I didn't watch much of it, to be honest," she said. "It was a hockey practice. They ran drills; they worked on their power play and their penalty kill. They did a lot of the same things we do, but I was distracted, so I wasn't paying full attention."
"You were distracted…" Clarke repeated with a smirk.
Raven shrugged again, "Anya was cold. I had to keep her warm."
"I bet you did," Octavia laughed, giving Raven a swat on the arm.
Raven waggled her eyebrows at her friends, "I'll be doing more than keeping her warm tonight."
"Ewwww," Octavia said, wrinkling her nose. "TMI, Raven."
Clarke laughed again. "Just don't be late for practice tomorrow."
The three friends said their good-byes shortly after; Clarke and Octavia gave Raven a hug and wished her luck on her date.
"Ha! I don't need luck," Raven shot back, smirking. "Have you seen me? And you already know Anya is all over this," she said as she pointed up and down her body.
"Right," Octavia laughed. "We all know how this night will end. Have fun, Rae."
They waved good-bye and watched as Raven drove away to collect her date before Clarke and Octavia got into to Clarke's car.
As they drove back to Clarke's, Octavia was fiddling with the radio dial, much to Clarke's annoyance. Clarke glanced at her friend, and back to the road quickly, and sighed before glancing at her again. She looked back to the road and opened her mouth as if to say something and then shut again quickly. Clarke shifted in her seat and opened her mouth yet again, only to close it once more without saying anything.
Octavia shut off the radio and groaned. "Out with it, Clarke."
"Out with what?" Clarke asked innocently, not taking her eyes off the road.
"You are not a quiet thinker, Griff. Your thoughts are bouncing off the windows in here and amplifying tenfold. That and the fact that you have looked like a fish out of water for the past two minutes, tells me you have something on your mind. So spill it."
Clarke sighed and glanced quickly at Octavia again. "Remember those dreams I told you about, ages ago?"
Octavia looked lost in thought as she tried to recall what Clarke was talking about but then her eyes widened slightly. "The dream? The one you have been having since you turned 18? The one with the mystery person whose face you never see and whose voice you never really hear? The one you haven't had since you started dating Finn? That dream?"
Clarke grimaced at the mention of Finn's name, but nodded and said, "That's the one. I had another one last night."
"Wow," Octavia breathed out and then whistled. "Why now, do you think? Which version was it this time?"
"I have no idea why now?" Clarke said. "Maybe because I broke up with Finn? Maybe..."
Clarke was about to continue when Octavia interrupted her. "But you broke up with Finn over a month ago."
"I don't know, O," Clarke said keeping her eyes on the road, but her fingers were gripping the steering wheel tighter. "I have no idea what they mean, I have no idea why they come when they do or why they seem to disappear randomly," Clarke said, obviously frustrated.
"All I know for sure is that it is the same person in every version of the dream. The forest, the art gallery, the beach…all of them. And every single time, they play out like a movie, like I'm looking at someone else's life, but it's me. I'm watching myself live different lives, and it is always with the same person. The part that weirds me out the most, is that they're always the same," Clarke stated, shivering as she thought about some of the 'dreams' she had had for the past almost five years.
"You've mentioned that before, I think," Octavia said. "That it's more like you are watching a memory, right?"
"Yeah," Clarke sighed. "You know how you dream things sometimes, that are similar, but there are always differences, and it's kind of fuzzy, and you don't always remember them? Not entirely, and if you wake up and then go back to sleep quickly, a dream can pick up where it left off. But it's never quite the same; it doesn't have the same flow or the same feeling it did before you woke up and you end up waking up again." She glanced over to see Octavia nodding.
"Well, these aren't like that. I remember everything, and they are always the same. I used to write them down because they were so clear and I remembered them so vividly that I could write it like a story. When they began to repeat, I realized I was writing the same thing, almost word for word, like it was programmed in my brain. No matter which version it was, and there are some that I wish I could forget."
"Shit. You never mentioned that before," Octavia said, eyes wide.
"That's because it freaks the shit out of me," Clarke stated in a quiet voice.
"Remember in our senior year we had that discussion about reincarnation in our Theory of Knowledge class?" Octavia asked, looking at her friend.
Clarke cringed as she nodded. "Yeah, we had some crazy discussions in that class. I remember one day we…"
"Clarke," Octavia admonished, interrupting the blonde. Stop trying to change the subject."
Clarke snapped her mouth shut and pressed her lips into a thin line. Octavia nodded once in satisfaction before continuing. "Maybe you're dreaming about past lives?"
Clarke scoffed, not taking her eyes from the road.
"I'm serious, Clarke," Octavia tried again. "It sort of makes sense doesn't it? Always the same dreams, the same mystery person in each one? It's kind of wild, really."
Clarke was silent for a few minutes, lost in thought. As crazy as an idea as it seemed, she couldn't deny the fact that it felt like she was watching someone's life. Whether it was truly her past lives she wasn't sure. Perhaps her subconscious just put her in it because it made the most sense. The truth of the matter was, Clarke didn't know, and the not knowing was what made it all the more disconcerting. Not that knowing that I was dreaming about my past lives would make me feel better, she thought to herself, but at least it would make sense.
Octavia gasped suddenly and threw her hand over her mouth before looking at Clarke with wide eyes. She removed her hand and hoarsely whispered, "Holy shit, Clarke! What if your mystery person is your soul mate?"
Clarke felt her heart clench in her chest. That was not something she wanted to contemplate at all, because if it were true, it meant that they had lost each other too early, too many times if her 'dreams' were any indication.
Clarke shook off the thought and spoke again quietly into the dark silence of the car, whispered so softly that Octavia was hard pressed to hear her. "Last night was the forest one again."
Octavia sucked in a quick breath before trying to make light of what she knew was anything but for Clarke. "Oh, well. You haven't had that one for a while, right?" Octavia brightly asked. "Maybe it was due?"
"Maybe it was due, O? Seriously?" Clarke angrily said as she shot a quick glare at her friend and was somewhat gratified to see her shrink in her seat slightly. "That is one that I don't care if I ever have again. It is heart wrenching and devastating and soul numbing. I don't know how she…I, kept going. It feels like a cruel, sick joke that the universe is playing on me. Every time I wake up from that one I am sweating and I know I've been crying my bloody eyes out because my pillow is soaked and I can taste the salt from my tears in my mouth. It's awful." Clarke finished softly.
"Shit, Clarke. I'm sorry," Octavia said, laying her hand on Clarke's thigh and giving it a squeeze before removing it.
"It's not your fault, O," Clarke sadly said. "I wish I could see who it was that is with me all the time, though. The only thing I have is a laugh."
"A laugh?" Octavia asked, confusion written all over her face.
"A laugh," Clarke confirmed. "I have heard this mystery person laugh in at least three of the versions. Never in the forest version, but in others. The art gallery, the beach, and that weird police one; I still don't know if I was the police officer or she was. I heard her laugh. And it was the best kind of laugh, O," Clarke said wistfully. "Full of love, and joy. It was bright as the sun and so light and carefree. Just the sound of that laugh made me so happy. I wake up from those dreams feeling so good like I can do anything with the right person by my side and the confidence that I will find her."
"Umm, so it's a her?" Octavia asked. "You've never specified before."
Clarke glanced at Octavia, surprised. She looked back at the road and made the turn that took them down the street towards Clarke's house. She was silent for a moment as she thought about what Octavia had said. "You're right. I never said before. I'm not sure why, I've always known it was a woman, but I wasn't ready to share that I guess. For some reason, after last night, I am," she finished with an almost imperceptible shrug.
"Hmm, well, maybe if that revelation came to you after having another dream again after so long, the next one will show you her face, or at the very least, her voice," Octavia offered hopefully.
"That would be nice," was all Clarke said as they pulled into her driveway.
Lexa arrived a short time later, dressed in sweats and a t-shirt and Clarke couldn't take her eyes off of her. It seemed that no matter how Lexa was dressed, she was beautiful. Her hair was up in a messy bun, and she had large, tortoiseshell glasses perched on her delicate nose.
Oh my, God, Clarke thought, swallowing thickly as she stared at Lexa in the open doorway, speechless for a moment.
"You're wearing glasses," was the first thing out of Clarke's mouth and she immediately chastised herself for the inane and obvious comment.
Lexa blushed slightly and dropped her eyes from Clarke's mesmerizing blue ones. "I usually wear contacts," Lexa quietly explained.
"They're nice, they look good on you," Clarke said. Freakin' adorable more like, Clarke thought to herself.
"Clarke!" Octavia yelled from the living room, shooting an exasperated look over her shoulder at the two women standing in the door. "Let her in for God's sake and close the damn door, you're heating the outside!"
"Oh! God. Sorry, Lex. Come in, please," Clarke mentally slapped herself as she moved aside for Lexa to enter, closing the door behind her.
The women got settled and grabbed drinks and snacks from the kitchen before settling in to watch Jessica Jones on Netflix.
Octavia jumped into her favorite armchair, and Clarke settled into the right side of the couch. Lexa had excused herself to use the bathroom before the show started so when she returned she had the choice to sit on the sofa with Clarke, or the second armchair off to the side. She looked at both and then locked eyes with Clarke. Clarke gave her a small smile and inclined her head to the spot next to her. Lexa took a deep breath and moved to sit next to Clarke. She sat down, making sure to keep over a foot of distance between them, smiling back at Clarke as she sat.
Octavia started the show. "I love this series," she said. "Jones is so badass. I would totally cosplay her at ComicCon. If I ever get to go, that is."
"That would be awesome," Clarke agreed. "I could cosplay Trish. You'd make an excellent Jessica, Lexa. Probably better than O," Clarke said.
"Hey!" came Octavia's predictable response.
"I have no idea what either of you are talking about," Lexa stated. "I haven't seen this show, so I'm not familiar with the characters, and I have no idea what cosplay is."
"You do know what a ComicCon is, though, right?" Octavia asked.
"Yes, I think so. I've never been to one, but I believe Lincoln was talking about some big convention thing in New York last year that he wanted to go to. It's some big comic book thing isn't it?" Lexa asked.
"Yeah," Clarke added. "But not just comic books. They invite actors and actresses from popular sci-fi, Marvel/DC adaptations, and fantasy shows. They do autographs and panel discussions. You can pay through the nose to have your photo taken with your favorite stars, and they have vendors everywhere, selling everything you can imagine. People dress up in costume to represent their favorite shows and characters. When you dress up like that and go to these conventions, it's called cosplay."
Lexa nodded in understanding. "Have you ever gone?"
Both women shook their heads. "No, but we really want to at some point. Maybe next year," Clarke said wistfully, Octavia nodding along with her.
"I think you'll like this show, Lexa," Clarke said as Octavia pressed play and the Marvel comics intro began to flash across the screen.
The girls settled in and conversation was minimal as they binged through half the season before calling it a night. Clarke and Lexa had once again drifted closer together as the evening wore on, eventually sitting closely enough that their knees were pressed together, both of them acutely aware of the tingling in their legs but neither acknowledging it. Lexa kept her hands folded lightly in her lap, but she couldn't deny that there were several times when she had to physically stop herself from reaching out to take Clarke's hand. Clarke had thrown her arm over the back of the couch behind Lexa but was also very careful to make sure she didn't drop it down onto Lexa's shoulders, or allow her fingers to graze Lexa's slender neck.
It was absolute torture for both women, but Lexa kept telling herself she wasn't ready and Clarke forced herself to abide by Lexa's unspoken boundaries. As much as Clarke wanted to shout her growing feelings for the brunette to the world, she was determined to respect Lexa's feelings and wait as long as necessary.
She just hoped it wasn't too long or she might explode.
The women tidied up the living room of snack bowls and cups, and then Clarke looked to Lexa. "Octavia is spending the night, Lex. It's late, if you want to stay too, you're more than welcome."
Lexa sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. "Thank you, but I think I'll head home." What she didn't say is that she didn't think she would sleep a wink knowing that Clarke was sleeping somewhere down the hall from her. She was barely able to contain her traitorous heart as it was and sleeping in the same house as the blonde beauty was asking too much from her already crumbling resolve.
"Okay," Clarke said, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice. "We'll see you tomorrow after your game, though, yeah?"
Lexa nodded. "Absolutely. Thanks for a fun night. See you tomorrow." She made her goodbyes, hugged both women and headed home, her mind fully occupied by a certain blonde the whole way.