We were at home preparing for Chrismukkah. It seemed like it was a lot earlier than last year for some reason. Mom and I were carrying in the tree while Seth was his usual unhelpful self.
"Mom, didn't you clean out the menorah last year? It looks pretty waxy." He replied.
"Sorry, I'll get to that." She said.
"Seth, do you think you can help?" I questioned.
"Thanks, Mom, cause we can't afford to cut any corners." He continued. "Now my sense of the cultural zeitgeist is accurate, which it usually is, this will be the year that Chrismukkah becomes mainstream."
As soon as he finished talking, we have successfully put up the tree.
"Samantha, it's so nice to have someone to help around the house." She declared as she put her hands on her hips to admire the evergreen.
"Yes, it absolutely is." Seth added. Apparently, he didn't seem to get it. "That's why this year I created a Chrismukkah work wheel so everyone understands his or her duties this holiday season."
He then brought in a paper wheel. I had to admit that the pictures that he drew were really good. It also seemed like he gave himself all of the easy jobs.
"So, I bet I know what your job is." I told him.
"I'm supervising, smartass." He replied. "I'm also overseeing licensing and merchandising. I'm also writing a Chrismukkah hymn set to Death Cab."
"I'm pretty sure that's plagiarism." I responded.
"Is Death Cab a band?" Mom asked. They were kind of just a bunch of guys.
"And Mother, you're in charge of interior décor. That means all of the trimmings and whatnot." He replied. Somehow having a girlfriend didn't make him any less neurotic. "I don't care what it looks like as long as it looks good."
"I'll do my best." Mom quipped. "I've invited the Nichols…or the Cooper-Nichols…or whatever they're called."
"They're called Gentiles." Seth replied. I wasn't sure if that was racist or not. "We need more Jews. Sammie, can you find some Hebrews?"
"Yeah, the blonde hair and blue eyes: I know just where to look." I retorted. "Also don't talk about my girlfriend like that."
"Fair point, my Aryan sister." Seth declared. "Where are we going to find some Jews in Orange County."
At that point, Dad walked in.
"Father!" Seth greeted him. "I have just discovered the ideal job for you this Chrismukkah."
"Chrismukkah, ugh, leave me out of it." Dad said before walked out of the room. Something told me his meeting with Caleb had not gone well.
"Oy humbug." Mom remarked.
"Oy humbug." Seth repeated.
From there, Seth and I went to school where I met Kaitlin. She gave me a kiss.
"So, Dad seemed pretty upset." I commented.
"You know how he is around the holidays. He likes to slow-build." Seth declared.
"Well it's a long holiday. You have to pace yourself." I quipped. Kaitlin giggled.
"Yes. It's a marathon of presents, not a race." Seth added.
"You know a Marathon is a race, don't you?" She remarked.
"To get through this holiday season, you must set a pace." Seth said. "Those are really good lyrics, now what's a good word to rhyme with pace?"
"Is he trying to write songs now?" Kaitlin asked.
"For Chrismukkah to become mainstream, we'll need an anthem." He pointed out. "I'm thinking of having Miley record it as well or maybe I can talk to JoJo."
"Well I hope you're going to at least invite your girlfriend." I replied.
"Alex was going to see her folks. I imagine it's some kind of Club Med tattoo parlor." He replied. I was pretty sure Alex's parents weren't like her. That was probably why she had gotten emancipated.
"Well I'm glad I'll be there." Kaitlin said. "I wonder if Marissa will bring Hannah."
"Does your mom still not like her?" I inquired.
"I don't think she'll ever like her." She said. "Of course my mom hasn't like any of the girls Marissa has dated, except for Holly."
"Well Marissa is not going to be next to Julie." Seth explained. "I had my mom draw up a seating chart and Marissa is going to be with your dad."
"Hey Sammie." Tina greeted me.
"I would love to talk right now, but I need to get to class." I declared.
Part of me wished that I didn't have to go to class and could have sex with Kaitlin. I also had a strange feeling that someone I knew was having sex at this very moment.
Later, I was in my Calculus class. Class was about to start.
"Mind if I sit here?" Tina asked me.
"The seat's open." I replied before she laid her stuff down and took a seat.
"So, what are you doing for Christmas?" She questioned.
"Family doesn't celebrate Christmas." I declared.
"Oh right, you're Jewish." She remarked. "So, are you doing anything for Hanukkah?"
"We celebrate Chrismukkah." I explained.
"What?" She asked. That seemed like it was most people's reaction when they heard about it.
"It's this holiday that Seth invented," I answered. I didn't know how to explain that well. It was more something that he was good at.
"Is there some kind of Santa Rabbi?" She inquired.
"You know I asked that same question last year." I replied. I then gave my best explanation of it that I could. "Seth explains it better. There's also watching of Christmas movies. Although, last year we watched Die Hard."
"Hey, Die Hard is a Christmas movie." She argued.
"Well I'll basically take anything over the Christmases that I had growing up." I remarked. I wondered where the teacher was because it seemed like we had been talking for a long time.
I later ran into Summer and Holly in the hallway.
"So, where's Zach?" Summer asked.
"He left early for Christmas in Cabo with his family." Holly explained. "I'm not sure if I want to see my dad. He is in rehab again."
"So, what are Zach's parents like?" I questioned. I assumed that she had met them.
"It's just him and his mom." Holly replied. "He never knew his dad."
"Well that must suck." I commented. "But I guess sometimes not having a dad is better than having a bad one."
"Or one with a coke problem." Holly added.
"Well both of you are welcome to spend the holidays with us." I offered.
"You know last year's holidays were a lot more memorable." Holly commented.
"Yeah, Kaitlin and I nearly got arrested because Marissa's antics." I replied. I was still a little bitter about that. I wasn't sure if I could ever fully forgive her for it.
"And I was caught kissing Anna in a Wonder Woman costume." Summer added.
"Like I said, it was more memorable." Holly reiterated. "I'm in."
"I guess I have nothing better to do." Summer replied. "Will there be anyone there for me to have sex with?"
"You're kidding, right?" I asked.
"Maybe, kind of, well not really. It's been so long." Summer admitted.
"I did not need to know that." I told her. "I'm going to forget that last part of the conversation and go to class."
That night, I was at home working on my homework when Seth walked in.
"Is dinner done yet?" He asked.
"Dad's got the grill out back." I explained.
"All of this planning has me starving." He replied.
"I can see how doing nothing can take a lot out of you." I quipped.
"Hey, ye of little faith, trust someone with mixed faith. This is going to be off the chain. It's going to be the bomb." I responded. I was pretty sure both of those phrases had long been retired and I also knew that they didn't need to come back.
"So, I invented Holly and Summer to spend Chrismukkah with us." I stated.
"What?" He asked. "You invited both of my ex-girlfriends here while my current girlfriend is away? Okay, breathe, Seth, breathe. The magic of Chrismukkah will lead you away from temptation."
"You know I'm sorry." I apologized. "Though, I did pretty much forget that you and Summer dated. It really was a little blip."
"Oh god, what if it's starting?" He asked me.
"What's starting?" I replied. I wasn't sure if I would like the answer or not. I had a feeling that I may have to hear some of Seth's ranting about stuff.
"The Chrismukkah backlash, what if it's getting too commercial?" He declared.
"I guess I'm not going to be studying." I remarked before he started rambling. I was barely listening to what he was saying. I started to walk into the pool house as he continued to talk. I saw that the grill was stilling running. I decided that I wanted to eat too because it might get him to shut up.
"So what's going on?" Dad asked.
"Sammie invited Summer and Holly over for Chrismukkah." Seth explained. "Apparently Zach is away with his family."
"I didn't expect Zach to be away right now." He said. Had he ever even met Zach?
"Why not?" I questioned.
"It's just that his mom is involved in Caleb's case. I didn't expect them to go away." He explained.
"But what does Zach have to do with Caleb's case?" I questioned. "Is he like Caleb's secret son or something?"
He turned to us and gave us a stony look. Oh my god, was Zach actually Caleb's son? I saw Seth's mouth hanging open. I was pretty shocked myself. What would Holly think when she found out? How did something like this happen?
"This stays between us." Dad remarked. I had the strangest feeling that this was going to get out. "At least until we make it through these holidays. Now let's eat."
Suddenly, I felt a lot less hungry. It also got Seth to shut up, but that kind of bombshell was not helping. At that point, I noticed Kaitlin on the other side of the fence. She looked as equally shocked as I was. At least I wouldn't have to lie to her about it because I knew bad things always happened when I lied to her.
The following morning, she came to meet me in the pool house. I assumed that she had heard what I had heard.
"So, did I hear what I think I heard last night?" She questioned. That was a tricky question.
"I need to know what you thought you heard because I promised my dad that I wouldn't tell anyone." I explained.
"Is Zach really Caleb's son?" She inquired.
"Yes." I answered. "I need you not to tell anyone, not Marissa, not your mom and especially not Holly and Caleb. Okay, so you don't tell Caleb anything, but don't him this either."
"You know Caleb probably already knows about this." She said. "If Zach is his son and he was supposedly paying off someone from the city council and that person just happened to be Zach's mom, I would bet those are child support payments."
"I didn't know he was paying off someone from the city council." I replied. "How do you know more about this case than me?"
"Because my mom has been repeating way too much information." She answered. Okay, that I believed.
"At least Zach isn't here right now because that could make things a lot worse." I remarked. At that point, I got a phone call from Holly. Oh, please don't tell me that I tempted fate. "Hello?"
"So, there's been a slight change of plans. Apparently, there was a problem with Zach's mom's passport and they're coming back to Newport. Would you mind if I brought him over with me?" She asked. Oh God I tempted fate. What was I supposed to say?
"Let me get back to you on that." I replied before I hung up. "Fuck me."
"Okay, but I don't think that will help very much." Kaitlin remarked. "Zach's back, isn't he?"
"Do you think that there's any way that I can uninvite her?" I questioned.
"Not if you want to stay friends with her." She declared. "This is going to be a fun night."
"You know I think I do want to have sex because it will at least help take my mind off of it for a little while." I stated.
After a session of lovemaking and a brief shopping trip, I found that I was still nervous. We both needed to go home to get ready for the party. I still hadn't had a one-on-one chat with Seth about this.
After I was dressed in my crimson sweater dress and black tights, Seth walked in. He was wearing a suit.
"So, remember that thing we talked about last night?" I asked. He nodded. "Well things kind of got worse. Holly is bringing Zach over."
"I thought Zach was in Cabo." He replied.
"Well he's not anymore." I remarked. "This is going to so bad."
"Maybe it won't." He suggested. "Maybe we can get a Chrismukkah miracle and no secrets will get out."
"Do you really think we have a good chance of that?" I questioned. We usually didn't get that lucky.
"Well last Chrismukkah I remember you not getting arrested." He pointed out. "Chrismukkah miracles can happen."
At that point, Kaitlin walked in wearing her black long-sleeved dress with stars on it and black heels with red lipstick. She even seemed to be wearing perfume and turned me on a little. Seth started to whistle a bit.
"Seth, Kaitlin knows." I declared. "I didn't tell her. She overheard us talking about it last night."
"I happen to think that this night is going to end very badly." Kaitlin remarked. "The only thing that could make it worse is if Hailey showed up. Where is she anyway?"
"She left to do a TV show." I told her.
"She's on TV?" Kaitlin asked in surprise.
"No, she's a production assistant." I explained.
We had moved Seth's PlayStation 3 into the pool house and currently he and Kaitlin were fighting.
"Happy Chrismukkah." Holly interrupted. She had Zach next to her.
"Zach, Holly." I greeted nervously. Things were about to get awkward.
From there we all decided to go and get some food. I noticed that Mom and Dad and Caleb were in there with some woman that I didn't know but assumed was Zach's mom.
"Mom, what are you doing here?" He asked.
"Zach." The woman said.
"Zach." Caleb also said.
"Who are you?" Zach questioned.
"Zach, can you give us a moment?" His mother responded.
"Why, what's happening?" Zach replied. In my head, I was saying a lot of curse words.
"I'm wondering the same thing." Mom remarked as she put her hands on her hips.
"I should go." Zach's mom stated. "This was a mistake."
"No one is leaving until someone tells me what the fuck is going on." Mom declared. She was angry. I had never heard her curse before.
"Hey, what's going on?" Julie asked as she and Jimmy walked in. Where had they been?
There was a moment of awkward silence.
"Okay, this isn't easy for me to say." Caleb started. "I was honestly hoping to protect you both a while ago, but several years ago, Brianne and I had an affair."
I was kind of craving some popcorn even though I knew it would be very inappropriate.
"I guess since both your mother and I are facing prison, there's only one way to do this." He continued. "I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm your father."
"Oh my god." Zach remarked.
"Oh my god." Mom repeated.
At that point, Zach walked out. He was visibly upset. He looked like he wanted to punch Caleb but after what happened with Seth, he refrained from doing so. Both Brianne and Holly followed after him.
"I don't know what to say." Caleb said as he walked over to Mom. She just slapped him. "I deserved that."
"Get out. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" She yelled before she walked away.
"You should be ashamed of yourself." Julie said after also slapping him before she also walked away.
"I'll go talk to her." Jimmy declared before he too left.
"So now probably isn't the best time to say that my ex-girlfriend is dating my uncle." Seth commented.
"Yes, it's definitely not the time to say that." I said. "I'm gonna go check up on her."
I walked upstairs and got there just in time to see her throw a vase at Caleb. She then locked herself in the closet.
"Please, let me talk to her." He begged.
"Look, I know I'm not really your granddaughter, but I think it would be best if you leave." I replied. "You are not going to be able to fix this tonight and probably not for a long time. Every second that you're here is making it worse."
From there, we went to the pool house.
"I think we have to cancel Chrismukkah." Seth said as he leaned back on my bed.
We went to the diner because it had much less of a negative energy. I couldn't help but wonder if the owner was wondering why we were all dressed up.
"Have you heard from Holly?" I asked Summer.
"Zach's a wreck." She stated. "I can't believe this is happening."
"Well Chrismukkah is done." Seth said with a defeated look.
"No." Summer replied. "Chrismukkah is supposed to bring people together. It's the time of year that you look forward to most."
"Well the family drama kind of trumps that." Seth remarked.
"I'm sorry, Seth, but I can't let you do that." I stated. "I didn't join this family, change my name to let a little bit of drama stop us from feeling happy. I had a gun in my face earlier this year and we bounced from that. We can get past this and have a good time. Even if no one else wants to, we need to do this. We need Chrismukkah more than ever before."
"She's right." Kaitlin agreed.
"I want to do something." I declared. "I think we need to go home,"
I went home and decided to try to talk to her. I tapped on the door.
"Go away." She said through the door.
"Mom?" I asked quietly. I didn't think I wanted to be her daughter any more than at that moment.
"I don't really want to talk right now." She said.
"I really wanted to talk about Zach." I told her. I hoped this would work.
"Is he okay?" She asked.
"Not really." I answered. "I think the only way he can really get better is for him to figure out that he's part of a family that's really opening and willing to let new people in."
She then opened the door and hugged me,
"That was a great line." She remarked. "Don't tell Sandy that I came out for you."
"Cause he wouldn't want to hear that." Dad interrupted. "Do you want to meet your brother?"
"I'm not sure if I am ready to start referring to him as that." She admitted as she started to cry. "But he seems like a really good guy."
We decided to set up a party at Holly's house while Seth got her and Zach. Fortunately, her mom was out of town visiting her dad. Everyone was there except for Caleb, Julie, and Jimmy. Zach looked surprised when it saw it.
"Hi, I'm Kirsten." Mom said. "I'm your sister."
"This is really weird." Zach commented.
"It comes with the family." She replied.
So when I got to this episode, I realized that I needed to have someone be Caleb's child. I thought about it being Sammie herself but realized that wouldn't work because then there would be no case. Eventually, I decided on Zach because he doesn't have a lot of character traits. His mom is played by Lisa Rinna. Please don't forget to review.