Isak

When Isak was seven, his mamma would take him out to a park near their house. It wasn't much. Just some swings, a rusty silver slide, and a sand pit. Most kids stopped playing there when the shiny, new red playground was put up on the park across the city, but Isak loved it there. The whole place was surrounded by big evergreens, tall as the sky.

It was his own enchanted forest, tucked away from the rest of the world. And Isak was the prince who took care of all the animals in his little kingdom. Or, well, he chased a lot of squirrels and let ants crawl all over his hands. He helped a bird once, though. It broke a wing and Isak cried for his new friend. His mamma helped him take her to a vet in the city and she kissed his forehead and called him "the sweetest boy in the world."

He brought a boy out there once. Years later. He showed him his favorite spot and bared his soul. Matthias was three years older and very pretty. He held onto Isak's hand, talked in words that he didn't understand, and called Isak beautiful. Matthias left him the night they kissed in the park. Said Isak was the sweetest boy he knew and waved like he wasn't moving to another country.

And then last year happened. It dragged him out, kicking and screaming. Left his chest open and his heart ripped to shreds in the middle of his schoolyard. Then whispers started. He wanted to shout 'no, that's not me.' But everyone just shook their heads at him, eyes filled with pity, and kept talking.

He doesn't go to the park anymore.

Jonas

Pregame at ur place?

You dont come out with us anymore

I miss ur moms cake

Isak

Fu dont take advantage of my mom

And i cant

Im tutoring næsheim

Jonas

EVEN NÆSHEIM?

Like homophobe asshole næsheim?

Wtf

Isak

Ifuckingkr

Im the only one with time

They wont let me switch and bc im smart as shit and he needs help

Jonas

We get it ur a genius

Isak

Lol let me brag thats the only thing getting me through this

And its gonna look so good on uni applications

Jonas

I can be there for moral support

Id do that you know

Isak

Lol and bring a guard dog? No thx

He doesn't need more shit on me

Jonas

Anyway lemme know if i should just show up at ur place yeah?

Eva and Noora are making me shop with them. (Save me)

Isak

Lol your turn to third wheel. Suffer asshole

But nah its nothing i can't handle

Come over tmr tho?

Jonas

*thumbs up emoji*

Isak knows he shouldn't be so nice. He knows that Even probably deserves every bad thing that's ever happened to him. But he just couldn't. Not after he'd seen that look in his eyes. The thing is, Isak knows that look. He's lived that look. The kind that makes its way onto your face when you've felt hollow for too long. And now, despite what Even may or may not deserve, Isak couldn't help but soften at the boy that's just as broken as Isak feels. It won't erase the shit he's put Isak through. Won't even come close to it. Still, Isak smiled and helped, and Even wasn't that bad. He cracked dry jokes and the corners of his lips were lifted more often than not.

"Studying hard, boys?" Isak grinned up at his mamma, and watched Even do the same.

"I'd study harder if there were cookies."

"Oh, you're baking cookies?"

"I could, but that would take time from all the work Even and I are doing. You don't want us to fail, do you?" Isak pouted and his mamma laughed loudly.

"Real fucking cute. Can you believe this kid, Even?" Isak's stomach flipped pleasantly when his mom shared a look with Even. The moment his mamma left, Even's attention turned to their work, brow furrowing every few minutes.

It was then Isak just let himself look. Followed the long straight line of Even's nose to the plump curve of his top lip. Back up to those long lashes just grazing high cheekbones. Not for the first time, Isak thought about just how beautiful Even was. How he wanted to just reach out and touch. He was close enough to do it. Just...a little...closer.

"How do I do number 17? Isak?" Isak starts at his name. Right. Homework.

"Um, what?"

"Number 17."

"Uh yeah. Let me see it."

Everything is just...weird.

Like. Really fucking weird.

Isak doesn't know how to navigate through this new tension between them. It's not really tension, but there isn't a word to describe the way Even smiles in his general direction now, Isak has to admit, it's a good smile. Gorgeous, even. It slots onto his face with such ease it's hard to remember that any other expression had been there before. It makes his frowns harder to bear. They all look wrong, and all Isak wants to do is push at the corners until it's better.

And it leaves Isak wondering if he's experiencing some kind of Stockholm syndrome when it comes to Even. He hates the way his heart races when they talk. He can't focus sometimes when his heavy gaze is on him. He hates that he lives for the moments Even is pressed up against him, whatever the circumstance. He feels gross for loving the hard planes of Even's body. It's sick and messed up and Isak should consider therapy for his...issues.

But Isak just doesn't want to deal right now so he shoots Eskild a text. Some running will do him good.

Isak is high.

Body heavy, thoughts swimming through jello, giggling at everything high. And it's really great. He hasn't had a chance to let go like this in a long time and now he's a content puddle on his bed. Of course, Even had to walk in then. Because Isak can't have anything to himself. Their tentative truce didn't exactly make them best friends and Isak really just wanted some time in his happy place.

"Are you smoking?"

"No."

"Can I get a hit?"

"Hmm." His arms aren't working right but he manages to pass the joint over. He's still staring at his ceiling (was it always so white?) when he feels the bed dip and then the warmth of a body next to his.

"Are you in my bed?"

"No." And that's it. They just lose it right there on Isak's bed. It's a little surreal. The most beautiful boy Isak's ever seen just in his bed like he doesn't hate Isak. His arm is radiating heat and Isak wants to burrow in the small comfort. His laugh is pretty, just like him. Even's eyes sparkle in the dark. What a fucking concept.

"But, um, this is nice."

"Nice?" He can hear Even's eyebrows.

"You know. Not fighting. Not being hated. It's nice."

"I don't hate you." Isak snorts.

"Sure you don't."

"I don't hate you, Isak." Isak. It sounds so nice from Even's mouth. Eeesahk. "I know I'm a little fucky but I don't-it's not hate."

"You're a lot fucky. Are you saying you beat me up for no reason?"

Even's quiet for a long time. Isak wonders if he's crossed some sort of line, when he feels Even turn to to face him. He looks over and really someone should have prepared him for this. He's never had the opportunity to study Even's eyes. They've always been a piercing blue, but Isak had no idea they were so deep.

"It wasn't for no reason. But it's not a very good reason."

"Is this you telling me you don't know how to say homophobe." Isak isn't sure where this is coming from, but he suspects it's Even's hypnotic eyes. They could pull secrets from a spy. Or maybe they just work that way on Isak.

"I'm not-it's not because you're gay. That's just easy, you know? Just something I could use. Because you seem to hate it."

"I don't know how to react to that." Isak frowns, the words falling out of his mouth before he even understands them. "I didn't, like, come out, you know. I had a plan. In a few years, I'd tell my friends slowly. Tell my parents when pappa comes home. But pappa came and went and then fucking Emma happened." He laughs wetly, tears barely registering. "'It's 2017, come out of the closet.' Like it's that easy." Even's hand made it's way to Isak's hip, rubbing slow circles that Isak can't feel.

"My mamma's husband is an asshole." Even offers and Isak grabs at it. Anything to take away the feelings those memories bring.

"He doesn't like you?"

"Fucking hates me. He'd probably beat on my mamma too if she weren't so sick." Oh.

"Can-"

"What time is it?" Isak squints at his phone, the harsh light burning his retinas.

"21:21."

"Let's go." Even jumps up with a speed Isak doesn't understand, and heads to the open window. "Seriously, just come with me." It takes a great deal of effort for Isak to peel himself off his bed, but he let himself be pulled out into the frigid night.

"We're going to freeze to death."

"Not the worst way to go."

"Even, where are we going?" Isak blows hot air onto his palms in an effort to keep warm. Something blocks Isak's view of Even, and oh it's his hoodie.

It smells so good.

"Please?"

Isak is weak and gone for a boy that will never want him back. And still, he'd follow Even anywhere.

"Ok."

They walk for what feels like years, through streets Isak doesn't care enough to recognize. Hiding his nose in the soft fabric of the hoodie, until a familiar line of trees- dead trees- and a swingset come into view. Rusty slide. Sandpit.

"You're so beautiful, Isak." Kiss. Lie. "I love you." Kiss. Lie.

"My mom used to bring me here. Her and mamma were fighting a lot at the time."

"Is this why you won't go out with me? You're fucking gay? It's 2017, come out of the closet."

Even sends a small, sideways smile his way. Isak doesn't see it. Isak can't see anything through the tears.

"I don't even want to look at you. You're disgusting."

Even doesn't notice until Isak's on his knees, quiet sobs shattering the silence of the park.