"You are a bloody fool Bruce! Do you hear me? A fool!" Alfred says, walking further into the room, shutting the door behind him beforehand.
I don't acknowledge my Butler to his right. I'm not in the mood to 'receive a bollocking' as Alfred once quoted when he was younger. I assume it was a British slang term meaning 'you're about to receive pain, via physically or verbally' or perhaps it was just a jokey way of saying 'told off and punished'.
In any event I don't care what it means. I just need something as a distraction to everything that's happened. Right know I just wanted to slam my head into a wall repeatedly until it all faints away – perhaps literally.
"Do you know what you've just done? Bruce, do you? Boy, you will answer me when I speak to you! I have spent decades running your errands, doing things no other would do. I even limited seeing my family to help you! The least you can give me in return, in the respect I bloody well deserve! I thought you better than this!" Alfred ranting, now standing besides Bruce, sitting on the edge of the bed with his head deeply plunged into his palms.
I still don't acknowledge him. I just feel so down, like I'm walking around in a spiral of self destruction. I need to clear my head and beat down some low life scum, like the pathetic excuses of humans they claim to be.
I'm so enraged by my actions, and upset by the consequences that I just can't deal with anything more at the moment. I get up, causing Alfred to temporarily stop his rant, and step briefly back, giving Bruce more space.
I look to Alfred, literally no emotions showing on my face: "I don't care. I did what I had to do, to ensure Gotham becomes better! That was the goal I set myself, and I will not let a woman nor man stop me to reach that goal. Do you understand me Alfred?!"
"You will not back me down this time. If you think that she will be a detriment to you, then I seriously question your Harvard education! Oh and for you comments and the way you're acting, you can stitch yourself back up when you ultimately jump into deaths swing, until you show me respect. I may not be your father, but you are damn well my son!" Alfred said. His options and words all carried and pushed by emotions without any hesitation at all. I see his eyes water up as he talks through it, clearly hurt about me.
"She will make me lazy! The only reason I'm in this League is because they make me constantly feel the need to prove myself. I need that push to ensure I reach my goal! If she is by my side, how will I do so as much? Can you imagine wanting to get out of bed when she's next to you?" I retaliate. I don't want to push his emotions with the father son thing. Whilst I definitely consider him my father, it doesn't resent the fact my other ones gone.
"You know what you need to do?" Alfred asks, almost on fire now with anger. "You need to forget that damn goal of yours! I want you to be happy and life a good life. I don't want to see you dead by the time you're 48 and never enjoy life! Let Gotham run itself for once. You are only one man Bruce. Albeit a determined man, but one man none the less. I will not allow this fallacy you have ruin any more of your life!"
"If you don't like it, go. I'm sick and tired of everything and everyone thinking they know best for me!" In an act of rage, I punch the wardrobe near me. My hand and arm cleanly go through it. I return my arm from the wardrobe and look towards Alfred. "I'm already lost Alfred. Don't you see that? Don't try with me, spent the possibly little time you have left with your family that's not destined to a brutal death." I tell him truthfully. I'm fully aware of the outcome that will occur, but it doesn't deterge me.
"I refuse to let you fall into the abyss Bruce."
And with statement pushed me over my limit. I walk past him, and walk straight for the batcave to suit up. I have no acknowledgements of my surroundings, I just instinctively walk the path I've done so many times.
If I did acknowledge my surroundings, I would of noticed J'onn stating that he would be arriving at the cave for classified purposes (prefer not to say on the comm).
Buy the time I'm equipping my utility belt on, J'onn comes up behind me, saying my name to grab my attention. He surprises me with his visit, but I don't let it show.
"Whatever it is, it can wait. I'm starting patrol, and I don't plan to stop until my body forces rest" I tell him. Clearly indicating I'm in no mood to talk.
"It's Diana, Bruce" j'onn replies, with a concerned voice.
"Call me Bruce again and I will burn you like a piece if Bacon Martian." I tell him. I'm in a vile mood, and anyone who tests me will find out the rough way.
"She's gone missing. Her comm's dead or non-responsive, and I can't find her telepathically" he tells me, obviously worried about her disappearance.
"She is essentially a God, if she can't handle herself then she doesn't deserve to come back to the League in the first place."
"Batman, why are you so irritated right now?" He asks me. I know he's tempted to look into my mind, but even he has slight displeasure in doing so.
"Nothing. Don't persist" I tell him, putting my cowl on "unless you want to be treated like those I'm about to face."
J'onn closes his eyes for a second, and I almost feel him rummaging through my mind. I know what he's doing and I didn't give him permission. I grab a canister with nanotechnology in it, causing enough irritation to ones skin that causes burning, shortly followed by a fire. I take off the safety pin, then through it to his chest. On impact, it spreads over his body, and I see his eyes open with authority.
"BATMAN AHHHHH WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" He yells at me in pain, demanding to know. They quickly cripple his body, reducing him to his hands and knees, looking up at me.
"I didn't give you permission to look into my head. Don't worry, these won't kill you. But you'll be incapacitated until I return. The more you fidget, the more it burns. I'll be back in 5 hours. Don't look in my head again Martian."
And with that, I hope into my Batmobile.
As I turn on the vehicle, my conscious kicks in. I glance over to the J'onn on the floor by me, wincing in pure pain. I can't allow him to continue on. So I jump back out, and stop the nanites from hurting him any longer.
"I'm sorry J'onn." I say to him truthfully. "As you've seen, I'm all over the place. One minute I want to beat everything till it bleeds no more. Next minute I want to just run away, and hide. I don't know what to do" I tell him, hoping he takes and accepts my forgiveness.
"I…I understand Batman. Please never do such a thing again. You're lucky I cancan read minds. So I know you're being sincere when you say you're struggling"
"What did you say happened to Diana?" I ask, my concern for her makes me concerned for myself.
"She's missing. Now I see a pretty valid reason why." He claims. As far as I'm aware, his claims are true.
"It's my fault. I'm sorry."
"You did what you thought was right. And you at least telling her about the event during your Birthday was a brave, yet correct decision. She deserves to know." He informs me.
"J'onn, be honest here. I can't allow myself to have her, can I?" I say with a disappointingly low tone at the end. My realisation that I can't have her has fully immersed itself in me.
"I believe that you have consumed yourself by fear so much, that it actually affects your judgment now. With slight adaption, you and her can and should work."
I sigh out loud in sadness. I feel my heart being the rope in this tug of war between my demons and … Diana.
I admitted to myself that I love her, but I never actually accepted it. I just let it sit there, slowly getting to me. I just let that idea dwindle in my head, and as a result it consumed my thoughts, consumed the way I thought and consumed everything else. But eventually it needed more to consume, and it found my heart, where it now fights for dominance against my demons. I'm so broken right now that perhaps I need to tell someone and let them help me. This time, I'm not proving others I'm a God, but instead proving to myself that I am a
man. Admitting something is one thing, but accepting it is another, and I will only do better in the future if I accept it.
"Indeed you will Batman. As soon as we find Diana you must tell her, otherwise you'll pull back again, like you're accustomed to. I had a wife, and let me tell you this: It's a lot of effort, with arguments and moments that hurt. But it is all worth it. To see the woman you love smile of genuine happiness because of you, is a feeling that words can't describe. Bruce you have had a hard life, you deserve something. We just need to find her - Any ideas?"
"I have an idea of where she is" I comment out loud, not liking the fact my personal thoughts were interrupted, regardless of the mans kind intentions. How talking quickens, knowing the longer she's gone the worse it could be.
"Where then Batman?"
"It's a long shot, but the alleyway down by the building where my birthday event was held. That's where she admitted her love for me and I guess vice-Versa. Maybe she holds sentimental value to it. It's a long shot as she was very drunk, so her memory may be the deciding factor here."
Why do you say 'I guess' Bruce?" He asks, twitching an eye slightly.
"Well I didn't feel it was right. I comforted her and said things, but not like she did." I reply.
With little time wasted, I nod towards J'onn, giving him permission to look in my head.
"I see" he says a few moments later. "She should hold great value to it, if she remembers."
"Let's go – Follow me."
And with that, I jump into my batmobile, fire up the engine, and put my foot on the gas towards the place our destination.