Chapter 32
"What is it with all the drama in this memo, Hiji?" Tsunade asked in almost amused curiosity, hand on her curvacious hip. There was somehow less activity here than she remembered. Well, it was a morgue, but it usually didn't seem quite so "dead".
"You asked that I make my observations. M'Lady," the attendant said with a nod of deference.
"Your note alludes to a problem that the two of you had communicating?"
"Well...the problem was that he wouldn't say anything. I didn't insist, I mean, I did ask him questions; but I didn't push."
"So Kakashi refused to talk to you?"
"He never came right out and said that he refused; but he didn't give me any information."
"Well, technically, saying that he refused would have been talking, not completely refusing to talk."
"Wait...what?"
"Never mind. He didn't say a word, I get it. Did he seem upset at all? "
"You can't see much of his expression, and without hearing his voice...I don't know. I think I would have been, though, if I were in his shoes, walking around all covered in blood like that..."
"Blood's to be expected. Was he injured? Did it look like he was hurt?"
"Oh. I can't say for sure, but I didn't think so. I just sort of figured with all of the heads he brought in, it was their blood. He was standing up and walking just fine. I didn't see any wounds on him, but with such a mess it would be hard to tell...so I don't know."
"Did you give him his papers?"
"Of course. I was all ready, so as soon as I saw him come in I was able to verify the count and hand him the receipt right on the spot. He did sign for it...well, no, actually, he did a thumbprint instead. That was kinda...you know. I mean, I realize that his thing is that he's hard-core and all, but this is our record book, and blood isn't like ink. It won't..."
"He hasn't finalized. Since he left here, no one else has seen him that I'm aware of. The mission desk opened hours ago, but they didn't get his report at the desk yet."
"Well, he got everything he needed from me. I just thought you might want to know he wasn't his usual self. And normally, he's zip, in and out, you barely see him for a split-second after you hand him his papers. But he stood there a long time, well, a long time for him. Quite a few minutes. Just looking at the paperwork, but I didn't feel like he was reading. Just standing there. I asked if there was a problem, if everything looked all right. But he never answered me. Just stood there until he turned around and walked out like I didn't even exist."
Too soon, Tsunade groaned inwardly. Maybe I should have listened to Yamanaka. At least he made it back in one piece. She'd have to run some tests and evaluate him before sending him out again.
At least this mission was extremely lucrative. So it was a smart move, throwing in a few unsavory specifics, to make sure he got good and dirty, and got his belly full of his favorite pastime. Maybe that would help him feel better, and be enough to hold him over if it turned out he had to spend more time recuperating.
"Thank you for your input," she said, turning to leave.
"Is somebody going to check on him? He's not somebody you'd want going off the deep end, if you know what I mean."
"I appreciate your candor," she said, in a tone that clearly said that she did not. "But I assure you that he is nowhere near the deep end. And you would be wise to keep that kind of conjecture to yourself."
xxxx
She stood at the front gate of the stately property and called out for Ibiki. She was not one bit surprised at the ANBU presence already in the area; but it might have been a little nicer if his spy had taken the extra step of making a welfare check and then securing the damned door for the occupant.
The ANBU made sure there were no traps or security measures engaged; it was indeed as unprotected and wide open as it appeared. They went straight in, Tsunade relying on Ibiki's knowledge of the layout of the house. Kakashi was asleep, but it was unnaturally deep, and she was able to lay hands on him and begin assessing his status before he even managed to stir.
"More poison," she pronounced, shaking her head. How long was that damned stuff going to keep oozing up? She thought she'd taken care of the majority of it; but the antidotes didn't work until the poison was released enough to become active, and that element of Even's booby trap provided for timed releases, the last significant bombardment of which she thought she had addressed.
But from the look of things, it still had more, hopefully minor, destructive potential to expel. It was a good thing that Kakashi had always taken his full compliment of serums, and had built up an excellent level of tolerance.
"I'm going to have to ground him again."
"Swell," Ibiki said with unbridled sarcasm. "I guess that means you'll be borrowing my men to cover his mission work even longer."
"That's exactly right."
She held both of his hands tightly in hers when they started to move, confident that her assessment of his condition was accurate and such scant precautions were enough to prevent any unfortunate accidents. She raised her voice and dousing him with firm, commanding chakra, called him into consciousness.
Kakashi's eye snapped open and darted back and forth, taking in the uninvited company and the fact that they were intruding in his bedroom.
The only word that came to mind was "shit!", and even in his discombobulated state, he knew he would be better off not blurting it in his Hokage's face.
"Your mission was a success," she said blandly, "but I see it took its toll on you."
"I'm fine," he barely managed, convincing no one, not even himself.
"You could be worse, I'll grant you, but this is obviously not fine, Kakashi. It was a good test run but I'm going to have to bring you back in for a while longer."
"Back in."
"I'm sorry, but you'll just have to bear it. I'm sure it won't be for too long."
"Yeah. Okay."
She released his hands, and he stared at his palms for a moment before shaking his head to clear it.
No blood. Well, just a little, under a couple of his fingernails. But mostly clean. He pulled himself back together then, before Ibiki and Tsunade's eyes, unsteady as she helped him sit up, but solid as he rose to his feet.
"Not so fast..."
"It's all right. I was tired. I'm good now." His stare was suddenly cool and measured. She almost cringed at how schizophrenic his flying change of character appeared to her; she could only imagine how suspicious Ibiki would be.
"I'll be the judge of your suitability for service. You need more downtime. Mind that I'm not making a suggestion; it's an order."
He nodded, although she got the impression that he saw her concern as tedious and boring. Funny how much he could communicate with a sullen glance from his natural eye. Perhaps it was talent inducted from his Sharingan.
"No arguments, Hatake."
Kakashi pointed at his head and nodded again.
"This isn't arguing. It's supposed to mean yes."
She smiled, amused by his sarcasm. Behind her, Ibiki was probably biting back a remark about being disrespectful; she could feel it in her bones.
"I can keep him busy," Ibiki said tersely. "Have him bone up on basic home security, for starters."
"I have just the assignment. No need for you to keep him busy." She giggled inwardly. As fate would have it, the assignment she had been reluctantly preparing to give to her second choice, in deference to keeping their restless hunter out in the field, was now the perfect storm of timing and necessity.
Kakashi's eyebrow quirked up. Had he misheard? He thought he was standing down.
"Confused? I have a job for you here. Not particularly hazardous, but I want you to commit to this 100%."
She waited, to add a little suspense, and to see if he would rise to the bait.
Well, he didn't say anything, but he was very attentive.
"You will be taking part in Umino Iruka's probationary release from medical custody. He will reside in your home, and you will oversee his initial rehabilitation. Ibiki will give you a list of daily tasks you will share with him, and you will be responsible for recording all of his behaviors, while seeking out and reporting any additional remnants of information about Danzou, his time in Root, the Uzingan or Hidata Jeninki."
"I thought we agreed on Tenzou!" Ibiki objected.
"Tenzou will be needed in the field to replace him. So I'm swapping their assignments."
It dawned on Kakashi that Ibiki was fairly glowing with dislike for him, and now he fully understood why.
"When?" Kakashi asked.
"I will have to finalize his suitability for release with the medical staff, but barring any new issues I'm not aware of, he may be ready as soon as tomorrow. Report to the infirmary after you turn in your scroll to the desk. He's not the only one who must get a release before this occurs. I'll need to see your examination results before I can entrust him to you. There will be instructions, and restrictions, and I will need your solemn oath that you'll abide by the mission parameters, without exception."
"What kind of parameters?" he asked immediately, smelling the possibilities of deception and a set-up yet again.
Ibiki fairly bridled waiting to let Tsunade speak.
"He needs supervision and restoration and some opportunity to cooperate in mining anything that might still remain viable enough to be discovered. This is not an opportunity for you to indulge yourself. This is a serious task that needs to be thoroughly documented and reported without exception."
"He'll know that, too?"
"He will be informed, and as his overseer, you would remind him should he forget."
"Don't be thinking it's all just on the honor system," Ibiki warned. "My men will be monitoring at random times. Reports are going to match up, or else."
Kakashi let it go, allowing his lack of protest to pass for concurrence.
"And he's really doing well enough to release him?"
"Well enough to move on to this stage. He is not releasable on his own recognizance. He has significant difficulty with some of his thought processes, but being cooped up is starting to slow his progress. He needs more movement and stimulation, and he needs to start thinking in terms of self-direction. In the hospital setting his role is too passive. He needs to take ownership of his own mind while it's still in the restoration process. But until his judgment is sound and his reflexes are better controlled, he'll need help around the clock. I'm flexible as to where this will take place. You have plenty of room here, his old apartment is small but serviceable, or we can work out a neutral location if we must, although I would want to hear very compelling reasons before I would entertain that option."
Kakashi nodded. They would be fine here, as far as he knew, but Iruka might have other concerns, so he didn't give her any indication of his preference, only agreeing to her proposals.
Considering the deep exhaustion that allowed these two to barge in without awakening him, he'd have to insist that the medical staff evaluate how likely it was to recur, to make sure he wouldn't be putting Iruka at risk.
That was the only thought distracting him as charted the revisions to his day. If they thought he had any regrets about being grounded from mission work, they were laughably incorrect.
For once he was quite anxious to get finalized and turn in what would be a horrid and graphic report with the stained cadaver receipt; no matter that his presence unnerved the mission desk chunin. His next mission was waiting, and he wanted that wait to be as short as possible.
xxx
Kakashi led the way, toting the larger of Iruka's two canvas duffel bags. It had been a long, slow walk from the chunin district, mostly in silence. It didn't seem like a cold or resentful quiet. If anything, he sensed a touch of sadness, as if Iruka was reluctant to leave his apartment. That seemed understandable; he probably felt drawn to his old private, familiar surroundings after having been deprived of them for so long. It was a difficult thing, to expect him to just walk in, gather a few things, and leave straight away.
Iruka could not say he was surprised at the condition he found his home in. Thoroughly searched, it gave the impression of having been ransacked by careless, hasty thugs. Everything had been emptied, overturned, shaken out...drawers pulled out and stacked on the kitchen floor with the utensils strewn on the counters, his clothes inside out and in a pile on the floor in front of the closet...and a glittering swath of broken glass, from the frame of one of his precious pictures of his parents.
There was a day when he would have been enraged at the blatant violation of his privacy and heartless trampling of his irreplaceable mementos. That day was long past; it was disappointing to be right, but he more or less expected this turn of events. As soon as his loyalties came into question, Konoha's security statutes dictated that his rights against search and seizure were forfeit. He supposed that he should count himself lucky; while all of his things were in various states of disarray, nothing really appeared to be missing or damaged beyond repair.
He secured the things he cared about most and let the rest go; the tall ANBU overseeing his transfer gave him just a few minutes time to pack up and make ready for the arrival of his escort.
The masked jounin was on time and professionally polite, adding to the strangeness and giving Iruka a sinking feeling, now sadly certain that his release might not be the breath of relief he had been hoping for. Everything that should have been reassuringly familiar felt hollow, alien and uncomfortable. He knew his still-healing chakra system was to blame for some of it; but it didn't make the experience any less unpleasant.
He was nearly struck dumb by the sheer complexity of Kakashi's bid to carry his heavier bag, insistent and gallant while being careful not to offend or seem too aggressive in helping with the load, watching him and timing his reach and gauging his reactions...my god, he hoped it wouldn't go on like this for too long. His host was very good at walking on eggshells, but it made for a painfully tedious dynamic, not at all the sort of reception he'd envisioned.
Maybe that was why they ended up in silence during their walk. Iruka hardly knew what to say. But once they passed through the gate and stepped inside Hatake home turf, conversation returned like flipping a switch.
"Make yourself at home. I want you to tell me immediately if anything makes you uncomfortable. Report anything unusual to me right away, no matter how insignificant it may seem. That includes how you're doing internally, both physically and mentally, as well as what you may observe or experience. All right? You can do that?"
"Yes."
"You can have this room, it's across from the bathroom. Go ahead and unpack, the drawers and closet are empty. I'll be in the one right next to it. That way when we're asleep I'm between you and the front door."
"I really don't think anyone is going to risk storming into your estate to get me. Sleep in your own room, Kakashi, it's twice as big and..."
"My house, my rules. I sleep where I decide to. Just don't worry about it. If you want a different room further back down the hall, just ask. It won't take much to clean most of them out."
Is he hoping I'll ask to share that master bedroom with him? No, he's gone out of his way not to touch or approach me in any way that was not purely professional. He thinks he's being respectful and selfless. Which, I guess he is. But it also...feels kind of false. He knows how I would prefer him to behave in a perfect world, and now that he's tromped around in my head, it's like he's acting just that way.
It was conflicting to contemplate how things could develop. Old assumptions die hard, and had he not witnessed the depths of the Sharingan user's pain, he was not sure he would have fully appreciated the pervasiveness of it. There may have been hints of the truth, but it was genuinely shocking to realize that the ulterior motive Kakashi always had, the one he secreted away as if it were a mortal sin and his ultimate shame, was not some perversion of power or sick fantasy. So well hidden beneath all of the beneaths, nearly smothered to death in his self-loathing, was the copy-nin's excruciating unmet need to share his unguarded soul with someone he could trust and truly call his own, and that his greatest fear in doing so was the risk of losing that person through his own failure to protect them. He did not have any ego-fed desire to be an all-powerful pillar of mighty solitude, emotionless and strong without flaw; but he had no confidence that it was possible for anyone to care for or about him as a person. So he behaved in tricky, sometime reprehensible ways, like a thief or a fraud, using his professional notoriety and sexuality as bait, angling to find some way to reduce that inner ache to a bearable level without admitting to it or revealing his desires to anyone. The little bit of vulnerability Iruka had managed to unearth during their relationship created the backlash that nearly turned them into enemies.
Knowing all that, and watching Kakashi with new eyes, wondering if he still lived in such twisted denial, played hell with Iruka's unsteady thought processes.
The going from here on out promised to be unsure footing at best. Yet this was the allegedly stable environment Tsunade released him to straight out of the infirmary, to give him semi-supervised release and continued protective custody.
Lodging with an distant acquaintance, or even a stranger, would probably have been a lot easier.
"I'm sorry if the memories of our past make it difficult for you to stay here. I did offer to stay with you at your apartment instead."
Iruka snorted a laugh.
"You're kidding me, right? With all of the things we did in my apartment, that would somehow be better?"
Kakashi blushed and scratched at the back of his head, chuckling. Iruka never was one to mince words. Edging around the formality a bit felt like a sigh of relief.
"Mahh, Iruka, I just meant I thought you'd be more comfortable in your own home if you were forced to have me with you as your bodyguard. There are more memories there than anywhere. I know that. I'm not trying to bring things up to...create any particular atmosphere between us."
"I didn't think you were. It's all right, I'm not accusing you of anything. This is bound to be a little awkward. And I appreciate that you're not trying to take advantage of the situation."
"Then let me be up front, so we don't get into any weird misunderstandings. Our job here is to concentrate on getting along platonically, because this is an assigned arrangement, and our reports need to be thorough, accurate and above board. There's no expectation of privacy for either of us from here on out."
"I know. The orders were very specific. We can just save the personal stuff for after I'm released from your official custody. Okay?"
Kakashi nodded with a slight hesitation. Iruka certainly had found his voice again.
"Ask it, whatever it is," Iruka said patiently. "Be honest and I'll give you an honest answer."
Kakashi bit his lip under the shield of dark silk. Maybe this one small personal indulgence, to soothe his fevered anxiety, would keep him from slipping up in the future.
"Are you saying that, after, you're open to the chance of 'personal stuff'?"
"Well...I just figured...yes, I mean, there's a good possibility. But I can't promise. We should take it slow and get re-acquainted. I've got all this re-discovery I'm supposed to be doing on myself. I don't know how that will play out between us. But as long as we're honest, and open, and listen carefully to one another, I think it's going to be worth the effort."
The copy-nin nodded, a little frozen inside. Honest, open, careful, taking it slow...when it came to dealing with people on a personal basis, it was a hell of a lot less complicated to just take control and barge ahead like a steamroller, and keep pushing until he got his way. It was going to be a tough habit to break. But this was an assignment, and that made it easier to modify his behavior. He had a professional obligation to maintain control, and he had to let Iruka know he was serious. Much of their time together, if not all, they were going to be working. This was not a period of assigned leisure, nor was he free to let his personal interests encroach on the tasks at hand. He deliberately shifted his mindset back to the objective.
"Agreed. Now, let's set aside all that touchy-feely crap, and get down to business. We've established your sleeping arrangement, but we haven't gone over the ground rules. You go nowhere without me. Communicate with no one out of my earshot. Send no messages until I have seen and cleared them. Eat and drink only that which I give you. This applies for the entire time of your stay, up to and until you are told otherwise."
Iruka nodded silently.
"You will do whatever I tell you to do. We're both jounin but I'm senior in rank and per this assignment you're under my command, so I don't expect to get anything but instant compliance to any order or direction I give you. Understood?"
Iruka nodded again.
"If you see, hear, or sense anything out of the ordinary, anything at all, you report it to me immediately. Do not investigate or explore on your own, anything or for any reason. If I am incapacitated you are to teleport to the Hokage's chamber without delay. Do not stop to attempt to aid, remove or assist me, you go now. Others will be dispatched to take care of my situation after you report in safely."
"All this can't be just house rules. Right?" Iruka asked, not at all understanding all this paranoid caution within the village walls, within the famed jounin's estate.
"You have medical examinations still. But they may opt for house calls. Last I heard, the relative security of each approach was under debate."
"So we just hang around here?" he asked, still not quite catching on. His rehabilitation just didn't seem to call for this level of scrutiny.
"I have a full list of activities I'm to work with you on, and we'll be documenting everything. There's a full schedule with conditioning and studying, among other things. Some cognitive tests. We may need to make use of the closest training grounds, depending."
"Oh. So it's like that. I was wondering why this kind of arrangement, and not just a guard to keep an eye on me. You're going to be evaluating my behavior. Any loyalty testing?"
"I expect that it's built in to some of this."
Honest and straightforward, sort of. Iruka sighed, ready for more action and less lecture.
"So what's first on the agenda?"
"Katas. Get unpacked and changed," Kakashi said. He would lead them through the katas as he remembered them from spying on Iruka during the first phases of Danzou's training. To see if he would remember, and what that might evoke, consciously and subconsciously. "You can walk fairly well now, but you need serious work on your coordination and balance. Think of it as physical therapy."
In the long list of provoking exercises the two of them would be going through, it was no wonder Ibiki had an ANBU stationed nearby at the ready, just in case.
What lousy timing for a lousy mission of deception and misdirection, when what they both needed was time to recover and heal.
Up front and honest would have to wait.
xxxx
"You have a pretty good idea how this will go?"
"It's hard to say."
"But you've been with him since they brought him into Ibiki's shop. And you stood guard in the infirmary after they transferred him. They were both there at the same time. Right?"
Hide shrugged, tipping at the new porcelain mask to adjust it. He liked the look better than the goggles, and surprisingly, it was more comfortable as well.
"They didn't have much chance to interact in either setting. They've got a history, but it's a rocky one. I haven't sensed any kind of dispute between them lately. But I'm told that you always have to watch Hatake. He's been known to get rough and overly aggressive if he feels like it."
"Okay. What else?"
"Umino is unpredictable; he's had a couple of isolated incidents of unauthorized violence in the past as well." Hide reflected back to the first time he'd really become aware of Iruka, back when he healed him in the prison after an altercation with his cellmate. That was under the unpredictable influence of a rare eye technique; but Kakashi had a similar jutsu, and who knows what triggered the assault. The two of them had a strange and unhealthy interaction in a visitor's cell, something he'd wondered about even more after spending time with the former sensei one-on-one.
"So what you're telling me, is that for all their idiosyncrasies, you expect that they're going to interact like average jounin in private."
"Well, when you put it that way...yeah. I haven't seen anything to indicate a high risk of them getting out of hand. Don't you know all this already? You should have a better take on this than I do. You've known them both well for a long time."
"Danzou's traps and seals change a man in a lot of ways. Setting one off and surviving the aftermath is almost inconceivable. I knew them both before, Kakashi much better than Iruka; but that's not to say that either one of them lets anyone get all that close to begin with. Factor in the sabotage and poisons and the potential that some remnants of the Root brainwashing might remain, and the shared damage and exposure for both of them...no one really knows how this might alter them, in the present or in the long run. That's why Ibiki wants them monitored."
Hide was silent, and Tenzou let him ruminate, giving the apprentice ANBU a moment to take in his response. He didn't sense anything out of the ordinary; it was highly likely that everything would remain stable, and he'd be free to take off to start on the mission work the Hokage sent his way, without her ever realizing that Ibiki forced him to divert to oversee the start of the surveillance operation first.
The most unusual aspect of this was not the behavior of the watched but rather the level of scrutiny specified by their commander. Not that either of them would point it out, but even the rookie was aware of it.
Look closely enough for flaws and you can always find them, build a case to support any position you may want to take. He knew enough about Ibiki to know that it was highly unlikely that the evidence he was seeking was of the type to prove anyone's innocence.
Heavens save them all of he uncovered any indication of wrongdoing.
Xxxx
After an hour of shifting and itching and being too hot and throwing off the cover only to be too cold, Iruka stood up next to the bed to stare in its direction in the dark.
Who did Kakashi think he was kidding? With that composed front, as if failing to perform to the level he achieved as a chunin was expected, as if that was all right? All confident and reassuring that this was just a setback, something temporary that he would rise above soon enough. And his own acting was just as bad, pretending to be flippant to hide his mortification as he waved away as unneeded Kakashi's words of encouragement, dreading the thought that his true assessment was more pitying than sincere?
He never conceived of a predicament like this. At this rate, he'd be lucky to nab an assignment as a janitor at the academy.
The strain between himself and his host was not just his strain, or something imagined. The more he struggled and failed, the more Kakashi seemed to pull away. He bought the idea that they would have to try to avoid getting too personal while this was an assignment. He was impressed at the time, because Kakashi was always so invasive and dominant and virile when they were alone together, it seemed like it would be difficult for him. Iruka admired and appreciated the effort.
But he didn't see any sign that staying at arm's length was a problem for his host at all; in fact, it was starting to look like he was simply doing what he wanted to do anyway.
Was it his pathetic difficulty in pulling himself together, his reduced coordination and damaged memory and concentration? Was it as embarrassing to watch as it was humiliating to be watched while he made stupid mistakes and moved with brain-impaired lack of grace?
After the day's training he'd excused himself to the bath, then skipped dinner, all predicated on a headache he'd fabricated to avoid more awkward down time together. But virtually on house arrest, that meant more time spent in this room alone.
If the skills had not deserted him, he would most certainly use them to slip out and make one of his trips to the memorial, the place he always tried, though mostly failed, to find solace. But without the ability to escape alone, even that futile effort would have to be requested and blessed, someone burdened with escorting him, and then the whole trip would be for naught, as self-conscious as he would be going there with company.
A creak and compression of the bed on the other side of the wall made him freeze. His discord might communicate at this close range, another uncomfortable consideration. No wonder he couldn't relax.
He's awake, Iruka thought. I hope he doesn't come ask how I'm doing.
It was all well and good that they didn't want any tawdry details in reports; but the tension of not knowing where they stood on a personal level was starting to create stress and questionable interpretation of every aspect of their interactions.
If they fell together, and renewed that connection, and it didn't work out...that was the one possibility he thought he wanted to avoid the most. When he first arrived, it worried him. He still had the mindset of the pursued, so he was ever defensive and prepared to resist the inevitable overtures. It seemed there were never any limits except the ones he set, that he was the only one who ever had to cry uncle, or ask to slow down, or to point out that things were too rough when that should have been obvious. He had no idea if there existed a line that Kakashi wouldn't try crossing, given the opportunity.
Despite feeling intimidated and embarrassed, pride torn and confidence lost, it seemed that any excess that the powerful jounin might go to in the heat of their reunion would still be preferable to this lost and uncomfortably cool captivity.
And yet so far, Kakashi hadn't strayed a hair out of line, or so much as verbalized any thought that Iruka could interpret as personal desire of any kind.
He paused before opening the door, clad in just in the underwear that served as his sleepwear, knowing full well that appearing in Kakashi's bedroom like this would lead in mere moments to a full-on pounce. He knew exactly what he was doing, what he was asking for, and that he was not supposed to do it. But somehow it seemed that it was justified. As many times as he'd complained about getting bowled over, this time, it would be a most welcome distraction. And maybe, just maybe, it would help him fall back into his own mind, give him a reminder of how things used to work in his head and his heart when he was 'normal', and make it easier to figure things out.
When he made a quick knock and stepped in, he had to squint in the sudden light. The man was on the bed but lounging on his side, wide awake, reading.
"Am I interrupting?" he asked.
"No. Not at all. How's your headache?" Kakashi set the book aside and sat up.
"Finally got rid of it."
"Well...good, that's good to hear. Did you make some notes? The type of pain, when it started, what it took to get rid of it?"
Iruka ventured in with slow determination, until they were nearly in arm's reach. He readied for the hands that would grip him any second, starting to feel a little anticipatory warmth himself. Kakashi wasn't exactly dressed for company, either, and the marks of battle that interrupted the otherwise classic physique caught his eye as the pale jounin rose to stand barefoot and bare-chested before him. Some of the harshest scars matched his struggling memory; others he was pretty sure were new since the last time they'd been together sans full clothing.
"I will. I'll do it later, I promise," he breathed, trying to keep his head, not sure how to handle this unfamiliar urge to initiate relations.
"You should go do it now, before you forget the details," Kakashi said with a swallow.
"Right now? You can't really mean that," Iruka nearly whispered, focused on what would surely come next. He took one more step, starting to lift a hand to reach out, invading personal space. He could swear he felt the copy-nin's basal temperature rise even though he was still shy of being close enough to make bodily contact.
Kakashi stepped forward, making his heart race dizzily.
But both hands came up and gripped his upper arms, firmly but without passion.
"Iruka, I think that would be best. This isn't a good idea. Not now. Not yet."
It was unthinkable that this manner of presentation would not result in mad, immediate, perhaps even violently vigorous sex. The lack of clothing suddenly felt painfully pathetic.
A million thoughts went crashing into each other in Iruka's poorly mending mind, and he stalled out, helplessly looking at his own palms and unable to save face.
He doesn't want me? Nothing has changed since Jeninki's handiwork chased him away? Were the intimate thoughts revealed to me when our minds were linked all a forgery? The Sharingan user admitted that he had that capability. So maybe it's true. It's just as I feared. Life is no different, with or without a face. Only now, in addition to having no friends nor lovers, no overlord and mentor, and no one I can trust, I have no vocation, either.
I may have completely lost my place in this world.
With that, Iruka turned, exerting the slight amount of force necessary to cue Kakashi to let go, and began walking away, without a word.
Kakashi had words though; he spoke up quickly with an abundance of hastily crafted justifications, a blanketing of smooth talk that aimed to soften the blow of being turned down cold and ease his mind about "us". Their relationship was just on hold, remember? They just had to hold out for a little while longer. It wasn't a rejection, but instead a reminder that they had to wait. It was just as difficult and disappointing for him, because above all, Iruka needed to understand that he had to do this properly because he cared. He couldn't give in to his desires if it meant harming Iruka's recovery.
I feel it just as much as ever; I want to hear him talk. I'm still moved when I hear his voice, Iruka thought wistfully, pausing at the door without turning around to sort of listen until the other man seemed to have made his point and run out of words. I'm drawn to it, as always. I like the sound, the inflection, that intimate and sincere tone he uses when we're alone together. Even when he's just lying to me.
He stepped out and closed the door behind him and returned to his bedroom, to close that door as well and contemplate his situation, now that it could be seen for what it was.
It hurt, there was no denying it. He'd made a fool of himself, and caused more stress for Kakashi, who clearly was having difficulty already, still dealing with his own recovery from the profoundly disruptive damage he'd taken while saving his troublesome houseguest. No one seemed to be worried about providing support for the older jounin's rehabilitation. It was all about Iruka, whose future usefulness was in no way a given.
Accustomed to being ostracized, Iruka turned it all over, sifting through rationalizations until sleep finally claimed him, but not before he came to a determination.
He'd be shooting himself in the foot if he gave in to the self-pity that lurked in his heart over this unexpected barrier between them. It was painful and unrewarding to contemplate. Better to set it aside, then, and focus on what was in his power, what he could make better.
Following Kakashi's orders and pretending things were okay was the default course of action; he would have done that anyway. As slow and disappointing as the improvements were, he was improving under this strict regime, and he had every intention of getting back to his former capabilities no matter how hard he had to work.
But he decided to be more cognizant of Kakashi's challenges and to provide more support to him when he could. He wasn't being pursued, but maybe that didn't have to be a harbinger of doom, foreshadowing that they would have no relationship in the future. Iruka never had to be the aggressor, but when the time and the mood was right, he was starting to think that he was more than capable of it. If he regained his abilities, he could think of no other person more suitable, no other partner he would rather stand next to. He didn't have to wait for someone else to realize it, or to take the first steps, or give him permission. He chased the concern that Kakashi had shown him false feelings when their minds were linked into corner and left it there to wait. All that he witnessed during that event felt like it had been honest, and although he was pretty sure that he would have to ask the question some day, for now he chose to believe that what he had seen was genuine, or if not strictly or entirely real, it was at least what Kakashi wanted to be real – and that was nearly as good. He would just have to set aside his worry that he had been shown what he wanted to see, and that it was nothing like the reality of the copy-nin's inner world.
Until the assignment was over he would just have to make the best of it, and keep moving forward through thick and thin.
That was not a lonely thought at all. It made the panic subside, and he blushed in shame and self-annoyance that he was just being a big baby. Naruto would have knocked him into next week for forgetting that the budding young sage always had his back, as well as his heart, and that he would never, ever truly be alone.
He blamed his spotty mental reliability and made a few notes, to remind himself of this thought process and his decision, should the morning bring a fresh round of not-quite-remembering nighttime things correctly.
Comforted that his notes would preserve all the hard-won understanding and resolutions, he fell into a more comfortable sleep than in nights previous.
xxxx
In the next room, Kakashi sat heavily on the bed and removed his mask again, to avoid getting it wet from Obito's sudden waterworks. The hitai-ate went next, and he relied upon the simple closure of the offending eyelid to spare him the drain of his chakra.
It's difficult between us now, but giving in to something like that wouldn't make it any better,he thought, fruitlessly trying to placate the weeping Sharingan and trying to comfort his own guilt nearly as much. He's hurting now, but he'll be more likely to understand in the morning, once he's rested and thinking clearly. I'll make sure of it.
Iruka's move caught him off-guard. This was not a dynamic they'd ever tested before, and thinking back on their merged consciousness, it was not one that Iruka had ever really contemplated. It was his fault, of course; no one really has much need to try and influence their partner to do something, when that partner was always pushing to do that something anyway, relentlessly, often to the point of obnoxiousness.
But it worried him that the out-of-character behavior was erupting in this setting while they were dealing with returning him as much to 'normal' as was possible. Maybe his own restraint and attention to duty was being perceived as cold and uncaring; though he couldn't see how. He was bending over backwards to share moments and do domestic activities together when they weren't hitting the assigned tasks, to try and ease his charge's general discomfort and reduce his stated sense of being adrift and unstable. All those little acts of partnership, absent the dominance he used to bring to the table, should have been a perfect environment for Umino to flourish in, to ease his angst and pain. Kakashi had seen clearly in the former sensei's mind the regret that they weren't closer when it came to the little things, and that he would have preferred to be more open about the big things were it not for the all-too-realistic threat of being taken advantage of, pushed around, or simply used and then left behind.
He supposed that after so much time being subjected to his backwards affections, it would take a similar amount of time to undo the damage sufficiently enough that they could meet each other straight on and start over.
Recklessly jumping into intimacy and potentially dragging them back to square one in the midst of all this effort to rebuild their lives would be an inexcusable indulgence. This was not about returning to things as they were, which they both recognized didn't work well at all, but to develop a better, more honest and livable existence for each of them, both separately and as a pair.
But maybe he was internalizing all of this too much, himself. Iruka was needy, but perhaps the need he was able to reveal was not the real problem driving him to act out. As evil and unnatural as Danzou's insipid controls were, they were also a tangible commanding presence and a source of guidance and strength. The Root oath was not unlike a cult religion, and the sudden removal of all of those integrated elements, no matter how foul and negative, would create a gap, a vacuum, a spiritual loss of sorts. The need to fill the vacancy would be strong, but not necessarily recognized consciously for what it was, and it could easily be misinterpreted.
Iruka might mistake his strong desire to heal those wounds of emptiness for the desire to reunite with the person who just happened to be standing before him. Complicated, further, by the uneven, interrupted progress they'd made trying to reconcile by better understanding each other. Only time would be able to sort out a mess of this proportion.
In the meanwhile, the best approach was a delicate, uncertain balance between trying to convince Iruka that he may not want what he thought he wanted, and reassuring him that he was still desirable, but this was an undesirable situation for that sort of activity, without making him think he was just being placated and lied to...so that somehow, when they were finally able to have a personal, private relationship, it wasn't so damaged they couldn't fix it.
He focused on hearing every miniscule movement Iruka made on the bed, and briefly considered going in to talk to him some more before he dismissed the idea out of hand. Tomorrow was still a better time, he decided, that would make more sense. When they both were rested, and the strangeness between them had a chance to fade a bit, so that it would not seem like such a serious matter.
The weeping was over it, it seemed, so he returned the silk to his lips and the half sleep-mask over Obito's weary, drying eye. If Iruka seemed stable enough to be left here alone, he really needed to take a break and spend some time at the memorial. It had been too long.
His alert senses told him that the shifting, sighing occupant of the next room had finally fallen asleep. With that concern out of the way, he burrowed down into the bed, straightening his limbs to maximize the recovery of strength in his muscles. In moments he was fully dialed into mission sleep, leaving a small part of his awareness switched on to keep watch over his slumbering guest.
xxxx
Neither of them seemed ready to broach the subject in the first chill of morning light. They made it through a reserved, mostly silent breakfast, and geared up for the morning training maneuvers, concentrating much harder on the instructions than was really necessary, but it gave them something neutral to focus on as each waited to see if the other was ready to break the ice.
By noon, sweating and sporting numerous cuts and tears in their uniforms, they acknowledged one another's excellent efforts, and Kakashi sat Iruka down to test him for any memories or odd sensations that the Root-based field methods might have shaken loose.
"Watch my hands. Nothing, you're sure? Your vision is good?"
"This time when it improved, it stayed that way. I think that phase is over." Iruka ducked to wipe his sweaty face across the shoulder of his vest, noting he was slightly less out of breath although they had stepped up another level of difficulty. He'd hit the target better, landed smoother, ducked more effectively. His eyesight issues were a huge stumbling block he hadn't fully realized. Until his vision and depth perception snapped back into obedience this morning, he had no idea that he was laboring under such a severe handicap.
"Hope so. You need to keep your focus inward during meditation sessions. If you'd identified the severity of your vision issues earlier, you might not have been so frustrated."
"Kakashi, I..."
"One second. No talking." Kakashi sensed his pulse, his blood pressure and his temperature just by holding his wrist, a neat trick he'd picked up from Sakura.
Iruka looked at the gloved hand and cringed. They sparred, there was this sort of touching...and still, nothing else. Why couldn't he just leave well enough alone and let Kakashi do his job? Why did this provoke him so deeply?
He got the nod as the hand released his abruptly; with the approval to speak again, he just had to let loose.
"You can barely bring yourself to touch me. Is that how you really feel now? Or are you fighting it?"
"I'm making sure that there's no misunderstanding when we do come in contact."
"No misunderstanding for who? Onlookers? Nothing is clear to me at all. We're supposed to avoid intimacy until this is over. Fine, I totally agree, who knows if it'll ever happen again anyway. Right? So you think that the only way you can deal with that is to treat me like we hardly know each other?"
"I'm focusing on the task, Iruka. We're doing a lot of very personal things together; if you think about it, that's a far cry from acting like strangers. It's hard enough as it is without bringing any of our old baggage on board."
"So it's just baggage, is it? Our old relationship?"
"Not just baggage, it's a true burden you don't need to be dealing with until you've done more mending. We have a lot we have to look back on and work through. A whole lot of it is shit we need to learn from so that it never happens again. We both know that a lot of our problems came from mistakes I made forcing my will on you. You need to be solid, so you fully understand what you truly do and don't want. It will take time. We need to get out from under the microscope before we tackle all that."
"You're not as guilty as you think you are. Until things changed, I never realized how wrong I was. I don't hate the aggressive you. I miss it. I didn't realize myself that I just wanted you to be less extreme. A little more civil. I'm worried by this attempt at being completely well behaved. The 'you' from before might be imperfect but it was irresistible to me. I can't stand it if this is something you're trying to box yourself into."
"But that's not what I saw..."
"Because you saw what I thought at the time. You saw my flawed thinking. My complete lack of understanding of what it is that draws us together."
"I'm not any less drawn to you. What draws me to you is you. So I'm not the one who's having doubts."
"You're wrong. You're just not admitting the truth. You don't...it's you who's changed."
"If you're talking about the change in dynamics, it's both of us. Look. You're tougher now. Right? Braver. Every day you get more solid and self-assured. If you'd been that way before, I doubt that even my worst behavior would have been so detrimental. So maybe...that's why you think now that you wouldn't mind it so much."
"I don't know. You're right, about my strength. I'm not going to back down if something is bothering me once I'm fully recovered. Even now, I look back and wonder at how I could have been cowed so easily."
"I liked your former self more than just a little, you know. It's odd, I'm almost annoyed to hear you talk badly about...him...even though its you."
"This is all starting to sound insane."
"Well, at least we know that will never change."
"I'm being serious here!"
"You know it's the truth. Even if it is so absurd that it's funny."
"You still haven't answered my question."
Kakashi nodded, veiled emotionally.
"I'm struggling. I think we both are."
"With what? I mean, I thought that you were waiting, holding back for my sake. Now I'm wondering if that's just wishful thinking."
"At first I was. I expected that, too. But...as it turned out, it hasn't stayed the same."
Iruka's heart fell, hearing confirmation of his suspicion out loud.
"Is it impossible, then? To find our way back?"
"Iruka, just...look, you're a very emotional person, and considering what you've been through, you should be concentrating on rehabilitation first. This isn't a time to be making decisions with long-term impacts."
The dark-eyed nin had to look down in order the bite down the knee-jerk 'fuck you!' at the 'very emotional person' comment.
"Humor me for a minute, if it's not too much trouble. You're not even going to discuss this with me?" he demanded tersely, all manner of emotions roiling in his head, knowing even as he blundered ahead in wounded resentment that his feelings were indeed hard to manage or even completely understand. Kakashi was right but his frayed, scabbed emotional center was fighting him tooth and nail, wanting desperately to believe he knew what he was doing.
"It's not in the discussion stage yet. I haven't even considered it as an option right now. We don't know for sure it's the right move anyway. You say you think you want us to go back to something close to the way things were...but what if you're wrong? I admitted to my misbehavior, once I saw it clearly through your eyes...but please. Don't get me started again, saying it's fine doing things the way we've always been, and then just expect that I can stop if you say the word. It's not that easy."
Be careful what you ask for, the old saying goes, and it was never more accurate than here. Iruka thought back to his perpetual inner whining, always lamenting Kakashi's lack of 'normal' behavior in their relationship.
But that abnormal, obsessive, wildly aggressive desire never left him wondering if he was wanted, even if the terms were not always to his liking. With normalcy came the perilous dance of complicated emotions and hesitation, the tedious struggle to balance one's own image and actions against the possible reactions, both desirable and detrimental, that your actions might exact. In a more normal relationship, the possibility was always there that even slight dischord might result in someone packing it in and walking away.
Say what you will about obsession, it was a mighty glue, one that stuck them fast without all that effort. Though they fought and failed to find middle ground in everyday life, nothing disarmed the fierce attraction that made their physical relationship so intense it bordered on dangerous. An attraction they fought, embraced, decried...but never thought would end. Despite their various separations, for good cause, the core obsession burned ever unabated.
Until this attempt to domesticate it threatened its very existence. Iruka could see, now, that forced to stop and look long and hard, with Kakashi's genius I.Q. and his full bank of strategic decision-making skills, that too much scrutiny might come to defuse the strong emotions that had perpetuated their attraction. Most emotion did not stand up well to dissection; long hard analysis was most of benefit when involvement in a troublesome relationship needed to be completely revised or exterminated.
"I don't think I'll change my mind, Kakashi. I truly do not believe that I'd want to take a risk like this again."
Kakashi tipped his head back, letting it join his body in resting against the rough trunk of the tree. One leg up, casually posed like a stork, his carefree image belied the inner struggle to come up with the right reply.
"We have our orders, Iruka, that's got to be the bottom line right now. And I think...as hard as it is, and much as it seems like the timing is cruel, I think it's actually for the best. For now. Living under one roof platonically for a while isn't going to destroy us. The fact that it's so difficult, and so complicated, must actually mean that it's simple. This kind of living arrangement isn't natural for us at all. Once we have our privacy back, we can let things happen and see where it goes. Be it more intimately together...or further apart."
Kakashi's exposed throat held Iruka's gaze, and he fought his own conflicting urges. Kakashi made sense, but that was almost the problem.
He isn't crazy for me, not one bit insane with desire, that's what's driving me up the wall – like a little schoolgirl. Stupid, is what it was. His own passionate need was causing his discomfort with this suddenly chaste and patient demon before him, slightly flushed from their workout and looking for all the world like his defenses were down.
He took a step, and the fleeting urge to attack that exposed neck was abruptly terminated. The taller man seemed to have read his mind. His chin snapped down nearly to his chest, and he straightened away from his backstop.
"I outrank you, you know," Kakashi added, quirking up an eyebrow. "I have no excuse to violate the terms of this mission. And neither do you."
"I haven't violated anything. You wouldn't let me!"
"And that's how it has to be. I know you're having a hard time in a lot of ways. We both know your emotional core is still trying to stabilize. I'm sorry if staying here makes it worse."
"Don't patronize me," Iruka snapped. "I'm working on my recovery no matter what, your being here isn't going to prevent that. Who do you think you are? And if you outrank me, it's just by the skin of your teeth."
Kakashi was driven forward by the slight anger Iruka's belligerence finally managed to touch off. With that anger rose the urge to see his partner blush for far better reasons, and that was not good. He grabbed Iruka's upper arms firmly, and leaned in to bring their faces excruciatingly close.
"Fighting is almost as bad as fucking, and I don't want to hear you use the words 'teeth' and 'skin' in the same sentence again until it means you're using yours on mine. Get with the program, Iruka. We're monitored. Watched. Maybe even bugged. So just cut it out," he breathed in frustration, hoping he wasn't overheard but done with being subtle, nearly touching their lips together as he finished his thought.
Iruka's brow furrowed, but his descent into a scowl was interrupted as he realized the heat coming off of his keeper was the exact thing he'd been seeking in his painfully lame, roundabout way. It was there, all right, alive and well, a glimpse of that beast he had been waiting to see.
In a thunderclap of realization, his somewhat vague suspicions became crystal clear to the older man. Iruka leaned into his anger, not away from it, and the look in his eye glazed from anger to something slightly glassy, far too wide and obedient. Kakashi got a firm grip, cutting through his own issues, rising above their relationship. This was not happening for the reasons they were struggling with at the moment, and he already knew why.
It was just a symptom of the removal of Danzou's control, the effects of the spiritual vacuum that Iruka was desperately trying to fill without realizing it. No element of Iruka's behavior during his stay contradicted his hunch, but much of it served to verify his belief, and it all fit. Iruka was oblivious and laboring blindly to alleviate the void left within.
"Sorry," he said, letting go of the stiffened arms and stepping away. "That was uncalled for."
Don't apologize. I didn't want you to stop, Iruka thought, nodding in acknowledgement instead. The glimpse behind his host's veil buoyed him up insanely and he let the silver-haired jounin return to his charade of cool professionalism. He hadn't lied. He truly was just putting off their relationship until the assignment was over.
Iruka's motivation for recovery burst into full bloom.
Xxxxxx
Tsunade hid her disappointment completely, smiling and congratulating Iruka on the one-month mark of good behavior and forthright cooperation with his tyrant masked trainer. He still did not quite resemble the jounin who met the ROOT challenge, and he teetered, at times, between feeling somewhat recovered and breathlessly unsure of his place in time. It was to be expected; she never planned to put him back on any sort of duty for several months at minimum. At least, not any duty where his failure to perform might put anyone at risk in the field.
His Even side was either dormant or gone. Kakashi reported nothing unusually arrogant, aggressive or obsessive, and the constant barrage of potentially provoking activities garnered no overly hostile response. When he remembered something, he reported it to Kakashi, but alas, nothing of importance had come floating back up to the surface. It was likely that no more of use would come from him.
Times were tight, and she needed Kakashi out on missions instead of babysitting here at home. He was fit, physically at least, he reported improved mental stability when the poisons made their rare release, and while distracted, she was sure his instincts would kick in eagerly at the prospect of danger and the intoxicating lure of fresh blood.
And Iruka was able-bodied enough for what she had in mind.
"I have assignments for you both. I'm pleased to inform you that your forced inhabitance at the Hatake estate will terminate today. Kakashi, you will report to the mission desk for your assignment. Iruka, you will gather your things, and then you will be assigned to your next stay at a jounin residence."
Kakashi's quick intake of breath was almost comical; but Iruka was seriously confused and started to speak out, and she wanted no unnecessary scene to delay them any further.
"This time, it is you who will be serving in a supervisory capacity, of a sort," she went on, the unexpected words stilling the room. "We have decided to honor Shiranui Genma's request to allow him to return to his home on a trial basis. As you may or may not be aware, at this time he is nearly blind, hard of hearing, and quite physically infirm. His condition is not expected to improve much; in fact, it is likely that he will experience a long, slow decline in the coming years. He is contemplating some difficult decisions, and he needs to test his own tolerance for the conditions in which he finds himself. I will tell you up front that his closest friend requested this assignment; but he is mission-capable, and we cannot spare him for any length of time; and Genma himself did not wish to burden him. He only agreed to you, Iruka, because he knows you are grounded from missions, and because you are such a talented teacher that if anyone can help him find ways to cope with his disabilities, you could. He also thinks of you fondly, which is important since his survival instincts make it very difficult for him to have people around him close by."
"It would be my honor to assist him. I promise you, I will do my very best to help him," Iruka managed, reeling with the sudden thrust of the huge weight of responsibility for the horrors he was fully aware that he had caused. It clicked immediately. His guilt did no one any good. His atonement should come through effort to make things right, or at least as right as possible.
"As I thought. But please be realistic in your expectations. His prognosis is grim and he is fully aware of his situation. He is not a man who will bow to circumstance and tolerate it helplessly. If he cannot find balance, I believe he will act on his own path of remedy. I hesitated in assigning this to you, Iruka. I know you are capable. But this will be brutally difficult to go through. And everything indicates that this is likely to end badly no matter how much effort is made."
"He's asked for this chance, even though he's up against such impossible odds – he still has so much courage. We - I owe it to him to try, and help him by supporting him with all that I've got."
Kakashi's head was reeling from the sudden change from caretaker back to mercenary. From the loss of Iruka's company before they began, much less finished, sorting out the personal side of their relationship, and the sudden termination of his ability to provide him with protection. From the implication that Genma was not only permanently and horribly disabled, but contemplating ending his own life.
But while Tsunade was warning Iruka how hard it would be, she wasn't asking him if he felt he could do it – it was still an assignment; a direct order. Else Kakashi would have piped up in favor of excusing Iruka. Tentatively stable on his own was one thing, but faced with this brutal emotional gauntlet, the demands could exceed his ability to cope.
He wouldn't presume to embarrass Iruka by objecting to an assignment on his behalf; it would be too degrading to have someone step in to interfere in a direct order that didn't carry the risk of extreme bodily injury or death.
"No further comments? Then we're done here. Iruka, be ready with your things and meet me at Shiranui's home at six sharp. You'll spend the evening preparing his home and we will be transporting him there to join you first thing in the morning."
Iruka stole a glance at Kakashi and caught him doing the same as they moved out in opposite directions.
Both of them cringed in regret over the loss of opportunity. Their days had become easier, and in fact they both had grown optimistically ready to move on, cautiously enthusiastic for the removal of the mission restrictions and the convenience of already sharing private space to begin exploring what their relationship could become.
Instead they would be apart, stressed, tested...unable to communicate for an as yet unknown length of time.
"See you at...home," Iruka said lamely in farewell, as silenced by the meeting as his soon-to-be-former host.