Face Value

by KawasakiTriple

A gritty, dark tale of man's inhumanity to man, and the light of hope that's both a curse and a promise. OOC a lot? A little? Spot on? You make the call. KakaIru, but it might not be fun. Even less likely with Ibiki in the mix. Updating finally! SLASH/ abuse warning.

38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38

"I don't want to push you, or add to the pressure you're already under. I don't want to make things more difficult for you. I think you know where I'm coming from; so I'll let you take the time you need until you decide that you're ready to see me. Until then, I'll be around, and I'll be in touch – but I'll give you your space."

Ah, that damned Kakashi. Making the blind lead the way. He was pretty sure it wouldn't be some gradual rise to a better frame of mind that would lead him to the elite jounin's doorstep. More likely it would be in a moment of weakness, out of need or fear. Between Hide's meddling, the jump-scares from Even and the waking dreams of Jeninki, space wasn't likely to be the answer to anything.

It was hard to believe that he wasn't at that doorstep right now. Kakashi's tasks at the Tower would have been completed hours ago, and he made it clear he had the rest of the day free. But the setting sun was starting to paint the sky, and Iruka was gazing at it all alone, fretfully mulling over his situation instead. The rooftop of the building Kakashi vacated earlier was only coincidentally the place where he liked to watch the sun set. The skyline of the village, the panorama of the terrain – its familiarity and constancy made for a comforting sight.

He peered out over the low parapet with a foot on the rail, a stance that elevated his knee to the perfect height to prop up his arm so that his chin could rest comfortably on the heel of his hand. By parking his body this way, all of his mental energy could be shifted elsewhere.

The slow transitions of color and shadow reflected in his dark orbs; but it was unrealistic to try and appreciate the view with such powerful emotions brawling in the pit of his stomach.

He thought that coming up here after a rare day of being away from people would help him begin to sort through things, but...instead, he was starting to question himself even more. Was it really the tangled mess of known issues holding him back? Or was the bigger problem his inability to find a balance with so much of his steely 'Even' side still crippled and flashing on and off-line? His functional memory was more or less patched together. But the feelings at his core were not as predictable as he thought a normal person's should be. It was really difficult to say whether this was merely the same life-long inclination to be overly emotional that he'd fought to suppress since childhood. He didn't think it was disabling to this degree before. He couldn't remember agonizing over so many petty issues and having such fits of inappropriate imagination. Was this going to be the new norm for him now that he was so haphazardly re-assembled? Was this the best to be expected? Once upon a time he had been pretty confident in handling the tasks of life despite his emotionalism, maybe even a little too confident, right up until his run-in with Jeninki.

Jeninki.

And then, there was that ridiculous issue, too. Of all the precious chunks of time that were mangled and lost in his memory, why couldn't that insane bastard's existence have been one of them? Until that awful moment of hallucination with Kakashi, he thought the vivid, invasive dreams were the worst of it.

He wasn't able to hide those inappropriate thoughts completely during his 'exams', but for some unfathomable reason, Ibiki didn't hold his feelings of attachment against him. In fact, the T&I staff kept telling him he didn't have to feel guilty, but he was sure that it was because they were viewing it as something that was merely dwelling in the past. They had no way of knowing that nothing seemed to stop his unruly subconscious from pelting him with disloyal, willful desires that kept that man's ghost invasive and alive in his world.

It was absolutely insane and he sure as hell wasn't planning on telling anyone about it, ever.

Kakashi could end up seeing the truth of it, though, if he kept breaking and entering into his head. The last time they spoke, they had harsh words over the copy-nin's recommendation that he be allowed to 'take a look' with the Sharingan now and again, solely to check for Hide's tampering and nothing else.

There was no way he was comfortable with allowing it but no easy way to explain; and without a clear explanation, it couldn't be helped that they would clash over such an emotional, hot-button issue. Kakashi was on his own to fill in the blanks in the face of such a strong reaction, obviously and incorrectly concluding that Iruka was suspicious of his motives and didn't trust him.

It was such a huge fucking mess with no end in sight. Funny how Jeninki was still lousing up his life so effectively, even from the grave. Wasn't that what he said, though? When he cast his jutsu, didn't he promise that he would be a part of his life forever? Did he foresee that it would still be true regardless of whether his face was restored, continuing unabated though Jeninki's own life was no more?

A chill in the breeze shifted his awareness. It was cooling off quickly; the pinks and oranges of the sunset were reaching the brightest points of contrast against the darkening outlines of the village skyline.

A shiver down his spine whispered of a presence lingering in the shadow of the passage doorway behind him.

He hadn't picked up on anyone approaching so they'd likely been there for a while, but now that he was aware, he sensed purpose in the waiting and watching. The person was not cloaked in full stealth, but the chakra was muted to prevent identification and they were in no hurry to announce their presence.

He sighed. Almost called out Kakashi's name, before swinging around. But then...a much stronger wave of doubt went through him. He turned slowly, cautiously, not sure what to expect.

The figure was only partially visible, wordlessly observing in anonymous shadow. Though he tried hard to fight it, an unreasoning fear crept up his throat. Kakashi was, if nothing else, very easy to identify by his outline, and this much larger person was definitely not him.

Ibiki cleared his throat upon being noticed, strolling forward with firm, deliberate steps to take his own place at the rail. He moved without hurry, casually, as if he, by chance, had wandered up for the sunset as well. "I see you and I have the same idea this evening. Quite the view from up here."

"Oh...yes. It is. It...it was. I was just..."

"The Tower deck is a public place. Don't let me chase you off."

Iruka waffled a moment too long to attempt to claim he had been about to leave anyway. With a carefully neutral expression, he returned his gaze to the horizon, wishing for the world to spin faster to get the picturesque sunset, and this conversation, over and done with.

"I just thought that you might have come here expecting to be alone, sir," he said in quiet resignation.

"Not really. Was that your expectation and desire? That you'd like to be alone?" Ibiki asked.

"Uh...it's wasn't important to me one way or the other," he lied.

"Excellent. This seems like a good time to talk, then."

Iruka swallowed hard and nodded, wondering how long Ibiki had been standing there in the access way. Surely he wasn't one for wandering around rooftops daydreaming. Maybe the question was, how long had Ibiki been spying on him today?

"I see that your evaluations keep improving. Mission Desk work isn't going to be sufficient to challenge you much longer. So I'm recommending you for a rotation in the ANBU dispatch office. We've had some attrition lately. That's always the case in ANBU, of course. Good soldiers, hard jobs. So we need to bring in fresh faces from time to time. You are interested in advancement, aren't you?"

Was it really going to be optional? Iruka searched for the right words, but his wits deserted him. It was still like that sometimes when he had to deal one-on-one with Ibiki. He cleared his throat, opened his mouth...but nothing came out.

"You haven't resolved that issue, I see," Ibiki nodded, facing him, abandoning the pretext of watching the sky altogether. "It's about time we got that taken care of. When you first started to recover from your restoration, you went blank when you saw me, nine times out of ten. It's more like one out of ten times now, but it's still there. You need to be in my proximity far more than you are now if we're to extinguish that behavior completely. There's a variant of aversion training that I've developed that should work. Very effective in many cases."

Iruka shut his mouth and stared.

"Perhaps part of the problem lies with me. I haven't taken the time to express myself to you properly, one-to-one," Ibiki said patiently. "You've been presented with some very challenging dilemmas. Yet, over time, I've seen you prove your loyalty to an impressive degree..."

Ibiki halted, eyes narrowing. The smaller nin's gaze had quickly fallen to the ground. Clearly, he was uncomfortable with the start of that praise.

"No?" he asked archly. "Have I said something wrong?"

"It's always been my intent to honor my obligations to the village," Iruka replied quietly. "But I know that you've seen me fall short."

"Oh..." the huge man leaned forward, intent and intrigued. His massive paw came up within a hair of touching Iruka's chin, and the swift, instinctive motion to avoid his touch brought the dark eyes back up into view. "You continue to reject the notion that you're not responsible for the actions you took under the influence of Jeninki, or of Danzo? Or perhaps, both? Or are you implying that there's some other transgression I'm unaware of?"

"I can't separate those actions from my own self, now that I have some memory of them."

"I see. That's a very illogical, emotional viewpoint. I find it unsupportable. You've been fully briefed on the particulars of the situations you're referring to. The facts which absolve you are clear. But I suppose that this attitude of yours is one of the flaws caused by the damage to your thought process. At least make the effort to recognize what the real problem is. The influence of those two men still causes you to behave incorrectly. The schisms that persist due to the alterations from Danzo's manhandling cause you to trust your emotions more than your rationality. You're feeling, instead of thinking this through. Isn't that right?"

"With respect, sir, I don't know."

"You're unique, Umino. Your mind has been examined within an inch of your life, but we don't have a clear understanding of it still. We scarcely found a trace of the usual garden variety sins most all men are guilty of. Root and Jeninki's influence aside, you're an anomaly of innocence. That's why it's so ironic that you now live steeped in such deep and abiding guilt."

Iruka recoiled a millimeter, unable to suppress the distress of hearing Ibiki accurately call out the existential anguish he thought he had effectively hidden. The torture specialist picked up on his reaction with ease, amused and fascinated.

Morino elected to indulge himself, raising a hand to rest his fingertips lightly along the smaller nin's jawline, savoring his discomfort.

"I probably know more about you than anyone else, despite all of that. Odd, isn't it? I wonder if I know even more about you...than you do."

Ibiki stared long and hard, still galled by the fact that this lost soul was once Danzo's exclusive blank slate; his living human clay, and however briefly, willingly molded into one of his fiercest ROOT operatives. Ibiki had his own experimental techniques for shaping human behavior. Given the same raw material and absent too much interfering scrutiny, it might be possible to create something else just as impressive, perhaps even more wildly unique, a living testament to his domination over the mind and body of ninja-status men.

The face beneath his fingers trembled silently; the flesh felt far softer than it looked. It occurred to him that in all the times he had been this close to Iruka in various states of consciousness, he'd never thought to take the time to explore, to see if the restored flesh felt as normal as it appeared. The jaw, lips, cheek – to the touch, these areas felt as if they belonged to a very young person, which made sense, since the epidermis was new. But the old scar irked him when he reached it; it was just as soft, including the raised ridge of discoloration. It was not a hard, ragged pucker of monster flesh like his own, even though that area of Umino's face had never been replaced. It hardly seemed fair.

"It's best if you give up on the idea that you'll recover fully on your own if you just try hard enough and stay where you are. It isn't working. We both know it."

What does he know? Iruka wondered, having just moments ago experienced relief at hearing praise for his progress and work at the desk – so despite cooperating with Hide, he hadn't reported any real improvement to Ibiki at all?

He shook his head in denial, in case it was a bluff. The motion had the added benefit of reminding Ibiki that his fingers had lingered too long in exploring his face.

With the removal of that invasive touch, he finally found his voice.

"It's slow but it's working. You said it yourself; my evals are good and getting better."

To his complete shock, Ibiki smiled. It appeared to be a genuine smile, an expression Iruka was quite sure he had never witnessed before.

"Listen to you. You're not one to give up or give in. That hasn't changed since the day you assaulted my files. Now and then I've thought that you might finally break down, but it never came to pass. That's why this isn't a sympathy offer or an easy out. I don't want you to think of it that way. Although, it is a very generous opportunity."

"Are you saying that this is my choice?"

"Hm," Ibiki cocked his head, considering. "Yes. Let's say it is for now. I want you to think about it and come back to me with your response. We can meet back up here again if you like; I think that the atmosphere is very conducive for private conversation. I'll give you the rest of the month to make your decision, but feel free to respond to me before then if you come to realize this opportunity is too good to risk letting it slip away."

A habitual brisk shrug settled the weight of the long coat more comfortably on the torture specialist's shoulders; with one last bold, appraising look he waved a hand in invitation to the doorway.

Iruka began to think he knew what small prey felt like when faced with the decision of whether to continue to freeze in place or run. The gravity of the lengthening silence finally set his feet in motion. With what he hoped would come off as a nod of humble thanks, he took the chance and forced himself to move at a normal pace, uncertain whether the next minute would find them squeezed together in the tight passageway by design.

But no; Ibiki stayed on the roof, watching him go without comment.

Iruka hit the open air at ground level and nearly fled down the path, barely able to focus on his direction of travel, praying he'd be able to make it home without running into anyone he'd have to try and talk to.

His duty. His loyalty. Forced to plummet blindly into the next rabbit hole. They might as well use a shovel and smack him down into it; he was certain that Ibiki was merely testing him by giving him a few weeks to mull it over. In the end, he would be drafted into whatever the heartless sadist had planned. Ibiki wouldn't have presented it to him like this, more or less in the form of a playfully veiled threat, if it wasn't for his amusement.

There was no such thing as an empty threat with Morino; if Iruka tried to dodge out, it would likely be useless. Some sort of plan B would be there to snag him and haul him in anyway.

But his loyalty, the basic premise for his obedience, had suffered so many crippling blows, and he felt a surge of resistance. He couldn't even pretend to be that blind. They were obviously coming for him – again! And despite everything, they still expected him to bow his head and willingly submit to them.

Ibiki's touch chilled him to the bone. That was the last straw. He had no hope that this was a legitimate job and nothing more. It was as if Ibiki wanted him for...a pet, a lab rat, a victim...whatever it was, the bold possessiveness in that unwanted touch was not his imagination. The world should pity any creature that Ibiki deemed to be his possession.

A few weeks to think. To flee, to resign, to plead with Lady Tsunade...no, none of those things would help. He could ask Hide's opinion, knowing that whatever advice he offered couldn't necessarily be trusted. He stomped down the urge to run to Kakashi and throw himself at the feet of the Sharingan user's legendary genius. If he couldn't stand on his own, maybe he did deserve this fate.

He should have realized that he wasn't going to be allowed to find his own equilibrium, working the Mission Desk and biding his time. If he ended up reporting to T&I, Ibiki would never let him go, and they'd do everything in their power to keep Kakashi away.

There had to be a better way. The reward for surviving was always the same: the privilege of returning to obediently await the next order.

His head was spinning to the point of vertigo by the time he made it into the sanctuary of his apartment. On the way in he'd sensed Hide lurking outside and couldn't manage the concentration to block his distress. If Hide was out there spying Kakashi was likely was, too. All of his life had become an unmanageable, mortifying semi-public mess, and there was no denying that he was terrified of the sudden pressure of living in Ibiki's shadow.

On his hands and knees, he had to admit that it wasn't any simpler or safer behind his own front door, here where Even and Jeninki held greater presence if he couldn't keep up his guard. He rode out the dizziness and cursed the time he was wasting feeling disoriented. He needed his wits, every bit of them, to find a way to gain control over all this. But in the midst of a disabling anxiety attack all he could manage to do was drag himself down the hall like a dog on all fours, crawling up on the bed, fully dressed, to curl up in a rigid ball.

What a ridiculous state to be in. Ibiki would be disgusted if he knew; maybe he shouldn't be in such a hurry to hide it from him. He might lose interest, faced with the reality of how pathetic his subject truly was.

Iruka hugged his ribs harder, waiting for the static in his head to recede. These days, when he felt extreme emotional distress, the presence of Even's last tenacious remnants made the specter of an inner assailant seemed more real, an added burden of fear and insecurity. The guts he needed to shake it off were the attributes Even cruelly hoarded and denied him still.

Losing his lifelong inner rage wasn't so bad; but the loss of the backbone that went with it was crippling his ability to cope now more than ever.

His whole body jerked at the pounding on the front door. He should be able to sense who it was but in this state he was lucky to hear it, as loud as his own harsh breathing was.

Pounding again. He tried to reason, tried to think. Not Ibiki; not Kakashi; not even Hide. Any of them would already be inside and not waiting if they were worked up enough to be pounding that hard. He held his breath and curled up tighter, as if he could make it stop by trying to disappear. Whoever it was would have to go the hell away and come back later.

The hair on the back of his neck announced the entry before the door slammed to confirm it; but instead of rising up to challenge the trespasser, he shut his eyes tight and tried to reject every warning his ears were attempting to send.

The reality of someone boldly intruding onto the bed next to him was almost too much. He gasped when a hand grabbed his shoulder, the weight of someone pressing against him.

What was worse, the mortification of being seen in a childish state of complete psychosomatic dysfunction, or the terror of being unable to move voluntarily should this person have dark motives?

He was being shaken, first gently then absurdly hard, and it was only then that he was able to perceive the blatantly obvious identity of his highly distressed intruder.

"Are you hurt? What is it? Say something! Talk to me, dammit!"

Nothing could have broken the spell as effectively as Naruto's rasping, worried voice bellowing in his face. He pulled it together quickly, feigning casual calm as best he could out of reflex.

"No, I'm just...I was resting...why would you beat on the door like that? You obviously had your key!"

"Resting? Bullshit! You've got your boots on! You should see yourself, you look like hell!"

"I'm fine, really, I was just super tired." Iruka managed to shake himself into motion again, breathing, pushing away the helping hands and getting to the edge of the bed to sit on his own.

"Well, I don't see any injuries..."

"Of course not! I haven't even had a paper cut. I just sit all day, you know that."

"So you're fine. Nothing's wrong. You're not upset about anything."

Iruka rubbed his neck, to have an excuse to look down and not meet those drilling blue eyes.

"Nothing's wrong."

"Liar." With that, Iruka's body went sideways off the bed and hit the floor, courtesy of a slightly pulled roundhouse kick.

"Hey!"

"You want me to believe you? Then make me."

"There's no room in here for that kind of horsepl-"

Naruto efficiently silenced his protest by depositing his full body weight across his fallen former sensei, maximizing the impact on his solar plexus and driving the wind for any further bullshit clear out of his lungs.

Iruka was still just trying to get him to stop, so Naruto swiftly took advantage of the lack of engagement, raining short, sharp open-handed blows that stung like crazy all over his opponent's upper body and face.

It worked. Iruka's odd, unnerving attempt to be smaller and quieter, the sort of survival instinct more appropriate to tiny defenseless creatures, finally stopped. He wasn't acting threatened anymore. A familiar old light was coming into the dark eyes, sharp and reactive.

Iruka-sensei's classic reaction to bad behavior.

"Knock that shit off! That's enough!" Iruka got a hand free, then the other, finally fending off the rapid-fire technique.

Naruto dove down grappling, using his leverage to roll them both across the floor, not quite so easy now that he had a fully functional sparring partner.

"Make me!"

"You little..."

"Nope! Not little any more!" Naruto grinned, doubling his efforts.

It wasn't until they were both bruised and sweating and had nearly knocked over the dresser, before Naruto finally gave in and stopped.

"If you wanted to spar you should have asked so we could go someplace where there's room! Don't just go storming in all crazy like that! Think before you barge in trying to tear up the place!" Iruka raged, rubbing his slightly swollen, reddened jawline, full of righteous indignity.

Naruto's breathing was already back to normal, and his voice was steady and calm.

"Like you would have gone, in the state you were in."

Iruka looked away again. "It still doesn't make it right."

"I don't like being lied to. I want you to tell me what's going on."

"It's nothing for you to worry about."

Naruto, master of violating personal space, came nose-to-nose with him and stared.

"Don't put up some brave front or you might as well have that damned mask back on. This is me you're talking to. I'm not going to give up until you tell me what happened. Why would you think I can't tell there's a problem?"

"But nothing's happened. Really."

"Talk. I have time off between assignments. I can keep this up as long as it takes."

"I wasn't that upset. I just have some things I have to think through."

"Until I got you to fight back, you were completely wigged out. The only reason you can talk to me now is because I made you snap out of it. Now tell me what's going on!"

He was right, and it was strange to realize how clever and purposeful Naruto's actions had been. With that, he gave up on the illusion of pride, the strength from the anger of the fight all gone now. As debasing as his situation was, he caved in.

"It's not that big of a deal. I've just been feeling lost," he said, finally, no better way to describe it. "That's all. I'm just having a hell of a time. Everything knocks me down so easily, and it gets harder and harder to get back up."

"All you had to do was come to me! You know I'll help!"

"Help me how? You tell me. I can't even imagine what anyone could do that would make any difference. I don't even understand why I'm getting like this."

"There has to be a way to fix whatever's wrong."

"You can't fix a problem until you can identify what it is. Honestly, it's like I don't even fit in my own skin anymore. I just can't...I just can't seem to cope...but, look, it's all right. Don't look so worried. It's just been a really bad day, right? I'll go to sleep and everything will look a lot better in the morning. Everybody gets to feeling overwhelmed now and then. I have my days. It'll pass. I'll be fine."

"I'm staying. If you don't wake up looking any better, I'm gonna be all over you again."

Iruka hadn't met his eyes since he gave up on claiming nothing was wrong. Naruto reached out and yanked him into a fierce hug, scared and clueless as to how to fix this. It was good that he managed to get that little rise out of him when they wrestled; but he lost that spark so quickly, and this awful, gooey melancholy seemed to be weighing down his very soul.

"You would kick my ass if I ever got on the bed with my boots on," Naruto observed, letting go and reaching down even as he was pushed away, gently, to discourage him.

He prevailed, removing Iruka's boots and socks and wondering at how the bone-white feet he exposed could be so cold and dry and odorless. Was that even healthy?

"You're so persistent," Iruka sighed.

"Huh. I must have learned that from someone somewhere," he grinned wryly. "Oh, wait. Like from all my teachers, maybe? Speaking of which, where's Kakashi-sensei? I half expected to find him under your bed."

Iruka shrugged too quickly, and Naruto didn't like the look of it.

"What did that bird-brain do now?"

"Nothing. He hasn't done anything wrong."

"He hasn't? Well, that's kind of a red flag, right there. What's his problem?"

"It's not like that. I...I pushed him away and he stayed there. And now I'm not sure what to do about it."

"Pissed him off good, huh?"

"No. He's not angry. He's more...I don't know. He was being considerate and I think I probably hurt him. He's left it up to me to decide when we'll see each other again."

"Oh?" Naruto shook his head. This really was all out of whack. Iruka could never resist the urge to fix things when someone was hurting. Yet even with his history with Kakashi, he wasn't feeling obligated to ease his pain? And Kakashi, suddenly coming up with a good-guy act, showing restraint? "So...are you mad at him or something?"

"No. It's terrible, what I'm doing to him. If anyone has a right to be angry, he does."

This was almost too complicated to figure out. No wonder Iruka-sensei was having trouble.

"Man. If you don't have a better grip on all this in the morning, maybe we really should find you some help."

"All right. But you have to figure out what or who this magical helper would be."

"You're on!" Naruto crowed in bald-faced deception. He had no clue how to help. But maybe if Iruka thought he did, he'd feel a little better, like he had more hope or something, and he'd wake up feeling better and not need help. It made as much sense as anything else he could think to do at this point. "Now get these off and let's get to sleep! I'm tired!"

"Leggo of that, you moron!" Iruka blurted, half-laughing as Naruto's clumsy attempt to relieve him of his shirt tickled his midsection. Through tickling and tugging they made it out of their clothes and into sleep shorts, then burrowed together under the comforter to get warm before taking turns getting ready for bed.

For once, Iruka slept better because of Naruto's invasive, rambunctious style of sleep instead of getting annoyed and ending up in the living room to avoid being kicked again and again.

And outside in moonless night, perched silent and motionless on a limb, a lone eye glistened, deeply conflicted from watching their playful interaction while stranded in the cold, dark limbo of the break in their relationship.

xxxxxxxx

Hide cleared the desk and noted that Iruka still had not spoken to him, other than precise, work-related exchanges. It had been several days since Hatake tried to reclaim him, the day after which Hide detected the removal of his slow influence jutsu. It wasn't a stretch to figure out who removed it. He no doubt justified his actions by portraying the jutsu as trickery, underhanded and dishonest; who knows what other accusations might have come out of the mouth of the agitated jounin. It would be a logical conclusion for Iruka to reach as well; just as Ibiki predicted, allowing open access to uncontrolled individuals virtually eliminated Hide's effectiveness in the wild. It was true of both Hide's official duty and direction, and his personal one as well.

Well, Ibiki told him to try and get Iruka to discuss his concerns, especially how he felt about the offer of the T&I assignment. He obviously wasn't going to warm up and start sharing feelings with him on his own now.

"I understand that you have a job offer on the table," Hide said quietly.

Iruka swallowed; he was so wrapped up in keeping his words limited to avoid personal topics, he overlooked the fact that all Hide had to do is ask, and he'd be compelled to respond in some way.

"Yes. It's true."

"Is that why you're so quiet today?"

Iruka nodded. The less they interacted and less he said, the better.

"You're not being very forthcoming. I know you're still upset with me. Is it so unreasonable that someone who's assigned to monitor you would use light jutsu in the process?"

"Without telling me."

"Would that have been wise? It might not have been any help in suppressing those blips of memory if you were aware of it. Why did he remove it?"

Iruka stared back stubbornly and shrugged. Because I was losing my shit for no reason and he was trying to help me. And removing it did help me.

"He doesn't like someone else's scent on you; that's a dog jounin's inclination, naturally. But he crossed a line. And now I'm in an odd position. I can almost guarantee you that Moreno-san noticed it. He doesn't miss a trick. So my actions will be held suspect if I don't report it. If it gets in an official report with the wrong spin, your Kakashi could be looking at consequences. That is, unless you plan to steer clear of him. If you'll commit to that, I think I can write this up without causing him problems and still keep my boss satisfied."

"He didn't do it to be insubordinate. That jutsu started causing me trouble all of a sudden."

"Ah, is that his excuse? Is that what he told you? I witnessed your 'sudden' source of trouble, Iruka. You went into a tailspin when he came barging in here, dragging you off without warning. He strikes me as being very self-centered and abrasive. With everything you've been through, you had a natural reaction to his disruptive potential – which probably confused you, because you know him, and you don't think you have to worry about being around him, except that you do worry. When you see him, your anxiety levels go through the roof. And it's an entirely appropriate worry, because you are justifiably afraid, because you know, just like everyone else knows, that he's not bound by a lot of rules and he's capable of some pretty bad behavior if he feels like it. If you would just admit it, you already sense that he's much more of a threat to your well-being than Moreno-san ever was."

"Is there a point to this besides character assassination?"

"It's not obvious? I'll spell it out for you. He removed my stabilizing jutsu, and because you didn't know it was there, he's used that fact as a wedge to drive you away from my support. My jutsu wasn't harmful. His action wasn't helpful. It's the opposite. He's all about cornering you, sectioning you off, isolating you to get control. We work side-by-side together here, Iruka. We have for quite a while. I've supported you and continue to support you well beyond my duty at my own personal risk. And even though it's a very serious professional risk to me, I let you decide how you want to deal with your work and your life. I warned you about him but I didn't take steps to keep the two of you apart. How is it that I'm the bad guy here now? How is it that I'm the person you shut out, and avoid, and look at with those eyes that say you don't trust me at all? How is he the only one on the inside now?"

"He's...he's not on the inside."

The raw sincerity of that admission gave Hide a twinge of sympathy. Doe-eyed and troubled, his desk partner was genuinely trying to absorb his carefully crafted words. It was easy to see his thought process; he wanted Hide to be wrong, but there was a lot that made too much sense to be able to ignore it all out of hand without some contemplation. Ibiki was right; Iruka's current condition made it easy to land a hit just about anywhere in his psyche. Herding him away from Kakashi was not easy or simple, but at this stage it was still very doable.

But the directive to herd him towards Ibiki was the one Hide struggled with. He still hadn't figured out all the angles for that one, and he needed to pitch it fast.

"I doubt you'll pay any attention to my advice. Hatake's done a great job of narrowing down your options, cutting off your lifelines. But if you can still manage to think for yourself, think about this: Moreno-san made you a fair offer. He doesn't employ slackers or charity cases, I can tell you that. He's given you a vote of confidence, in your abilities, your loyalties, your potential. There isn't anything else in your life right now that can even begin to complete with that. There isn't any other path left for you to take. Unless you want to sit here forever and you know what? I'm not going to be here much longer myself. Some of the chunin and older jounin will be rotating in. You don't get along well with most of those macho hotheads. And I don't recall many of them having much love for you. You should pick your own poison in this world, Iruka. You don't have to let any man who's not your superior do it for you."

And Iruka didn't fight back, or snarl, or argue.

He sat forward, with his head in his hands, looking without seeing, in silence.

Bingo, Hide though. Straight to his very core.

Ibiki sure knew his stuff.

xxxxx

"What are you doing?" blurted the orange-clad nin, leaning over timorously to stare at the unimpressed jounin.

"Pretty obvious, isn't it?" Kakashi held up his book, getting ready to cop attitude, but then dropped it. He didn't feel like expending the energy to bait the knuckle-headed ball of fire. "But actually, I was dozing. I was out on a mission all last night. Just got back this afternoon."

"Pretty high up to be dozing," Naruto observed, plopping down next to his former sensei on the narrow branch, making it sway considerably. "So what gives?"

"Hm?"

"You know what I mean. Why aren't you helping Iruka?"

"Oh. Look kid, it's not that simple."

"It's simple to me. He really needs your help. He'd pry get pissed that I'm telling you, but I went to go see him and, geeze. He's got something eating at him, and I don't think he can handle it. You know how he is. He's like, tougher than tough. I didn't think anything could get to him after everything and all. But, man. I tried to figure out what his problem is now, and...I don't know..."

"That part's simple, Naruto. I already know he's suffering. But so far, nothing improves when I step in. I'm a complicating factor. He could use my help, and there's nothing more that I'd like than to be able to give it to him...but he won't accept it right now."

"I knew it! His stupid pride!"

"No. It's not his pride. He's not trying to be difficult."

"You can't just show up and start fixing things?"

"I tried. And I'll try again, but so far..." he shrugged.

"Damn it! I tried, too, ya know? But...it didn't really seem to do much good."

Kakashi glanced sideways, nodding. From what he'd observed, Naruto probably managed to provide more comfort, with far less negative impact than his own efforts lately...but momentary relief was not the same thing as real help.

"Well, I'm not giving up!"

"Nor am I. I'll keep touching in with him from time to time and let him know he's got backup when he's ready for it. Let me know if you'll be away with a long mission; I'll let you know when I get one, too. At least one of us ought to be around for him if he gets to the point where we can reach out for help."

"I may have to start stalking him or something."

"That's up to you. I can give you pointers."

"For real? I shoulda known. An old perv like you would be an expert."

"Flattery will get you nowhere. But I know a lot of his patterns and habits. We can go over them, if you'd like."

They conspired in that lofty perch, the old sensei imparting his battle-tested wisdom to the attentive young apprentice. There was comfort in the illusion that their joined forces would somehow be more effective.

As they rallied in their comradeship, the object of their concern ended his shift and walked away from work to take his daily outing, unsupervised, unobserved and alone.

xxxxx

"Now you're simply ignoring me? And here I thought you were going to come visit me some time ago, Iruka. Surely you didn't expect me to deliver your things to you myself, like some errand boy. You're fortunate that I didn't throw them away."

Iruka stiffened and turned; he hadn't noticed anyone when he walked right by the spot when Danzou now stood looking affronted, as if he had been there all along. But that couldn't be...could it?

"I'm so sorry, Danzou-sama. I must have been lost in my thoughts."

"Normally, I'd be shocked at your lack of awareness. But, well, given the scant skill level of the men tinkering with your repair, I'm not at all surprised. Are you headed somewhere important? No? Then come along now, have some consideration. I'd like to be done with this. Follow me and I'll give you your things."

Iruka's hand went to the sudden pain on one side of his head; as he cringed, Danzou's eyes glittered with interest. Something in that battered brain recognized his importance on an organic level. A bit of energy resonated and he stepped forward, careful to play the role of old age to the hilt, using the bare minimum of strength as he caught the younger man's arm.

"It's all right. I'm just..."

"Come along, that's a good fellow. You can stay and rest a bit before you go if you're feeling under the weather. I wouldn't mind hearing how you're doing these days."

Foggy-minded much? Danzou smiled, confident in his power to muddy the perception of all living things in the immediate area. No one was in sight but he took no reassurance in that; Sai reported that Umino was still under intermittent surveillance. With skill and swiftness steeped in the illusion of slow, addled age, he moved them to his home to safely seal them within.

"Why is there blood here?" Iruka asked bluntly, walking through the entry with the unsettling feeling of being outside his own body.

"Oh, that. Nothing. I had a little accident while I was cleaning. I've already healed the wound, I'm just fine, so please don't be concerned."

Danzou's belly lit with anger. Sai knew better than to carelessly drip evidence of his visit like a bread trail through his home. With a flash jutsu, he cleaned it up, reminding himself that it was unwise to trust Sai completely now that he spent so much time in the corrupting influence of the Leaf regulars.

"I'm sorry for your injury."

"No need, but that is quite kind of you. Please, come along. Do you remember the way?"

"The...the way?" Iruka wagged his head, far more confused than he should have been, his body taking him along for the ride. "Is this..."

"You're doing just fine. It seems that you do have some sense of where you are."

Sweat began sprouting in droplets on his face. It was growing difficult to breathe. He stopped at the end of the hall, teetering a step away from the entrance to the room sealed with the massive dark door. One hand seemed to reach out of its own accord; he used the other to grab his wrist and still it.

Danzou's laugh, close behind his ear, startled him.

"Is some part of you starting to behave like it belongs here? That's fine. Don't be in a rush, though. I need you to wait here for a moment."

He pushed Iruka gently against the wall of the hallway, watching the man struggle to keep his composure, making sure he would be able to stay put.

Releasing the door, he slipped in alone. A few handsigns later the bloody restraints were cleaned and hidden; the tell-tale chunk of scalp dissolved from the edge of the steel table. Sai was such a strong young man; he'd yet to find the young operative's termination point. No matter how punishing their sessions, he always restored his appearance flawlessly; the casual observer would never know the difference when he left.

Even as strong and youthful as Danzou was now, when these sessions went clear to the limit, he didn't always feel energetic enough to clean the room immediately afterward. Inexcusable, really. It didn't take all that long to do; he scolded himself and made a mental note to eliminate such carelessness.

All was restored to sterile conditions. He held open the door and beckoned to his shaken guest to enter.

Iruka's eyes swept about, wide, unguarded. It was not possible to tell exactly what he was thinking or feeling; but Danzou thought it likely that Iruka himself would be hard-pressed to interpret his own mixed reaction to seeing his old training grounds.

"You've been working the Mission Desk for some time now, I understand. I'm glad to hear that you've made such a miraculous recovery." Danzou used buttery words and a firm hand, guiding them both deeper into the room, providing a chair and the pressure to sit and stay without pause for second thought. By the time he stood staring down at the pale and now freely perspiring face, he felt a twinge of regret at the timing. The session with Sai had robbed him of his edge and there was insufficient recovery time. Truly, despite the many tempting options this chance situation presented, he was going to have to settle for mere verbal exploration.

Involuntary motions were shaking the chair, the physical reaction causing Umino more confusion and distress. The possible explanations excited him to no end. Though Even's essence would be mixed in the ebb and flow of Iruka's chakra, in this, his native environment, he might strain to pull together and find coherence again.

Maybe a little nurturing along those lines could go a long way.

"I'm back at work. Yes." Iruka managed, relieved to be seated in the midst of such unsteadiness, but slowly sensing the heavy weight of Danzou's inappropriately keen interest.

"That is excellent news. But you're a fine soldier; the Mission Desk must grow tedious for you without any field work to break up the monotony. You know, I'm not suggesting that it's possible to return to Root. But a bit of a refresher on the basic training here might help to bring back the old skill set for when you start taking on missions again. Does that interest you?"

Danzou observed his former student closely, waiting. It did not come as surprise that he was growing too conflicted and confused to respond easily in conversation. His coordination still seemed to be growing worse, as well.

Let's see if I can find anything familiar it there, Danzou thought, intrigued and too tempted to leave well enough alone. In the privacy of this place, in this room, he could afford to take a risk or two. If Jeninki could pull him in during broad daylight and do a read on him without getting caught, Danzou was certain that he would be able to do just as well if not better.

Because he wasn't looking for signs of a lost, willing spirit. He just wanted to satisfy his curiosity as to whether there were any signs of life left in the multitude of scars presumably marking the points of amputation of his Root awareness. Just to entertain himself. Just to see if there was something left to work with if he got bored and had nothing else to do, a toy to play with. A scrap of Even's basic content to observe and experiment on once the Hokage's foul minions lost interest.

"My activities are monitored and restricted," Iruka managed, leaning away from the intent stare and unsettling smile to regain his breath. "I appreciate your kind offer, but I'm not allowed to make a decision like that yet."

"Oh? You're here now. You made that decision without any problem. Coming by to visit must be all right then, eh? Just stop by again so we can discuss it. This doesn't have to be a big investment in time; at least, not at first. I'd hate to see all your hard work just fade away if there's a chance for you to reclaim some of the benefit. You'll think about it, won't you?" Danzou's hand wandered to the wrap on his own face; he might well see something if he used his eye technique, but he hesitated.

Something beyond Iruka's nakedly evident discomfort and distrust gave him pause.

It was a good instinct. A heartbeat later the gate signaled the entry of a visitor on his property. In a smooth transition, he scooped up the small pile of personal items that comprised his excuse for this entire exchange and placed them in Iruka's wary arms, feigning a shift to friendly, casual disinterest, motioning for him to rise.

"At any rate. I've accomplished my mission of returning these to you. I won't keep you a minute longer. You seem to be wanting to get on with your day."

Iruka nodded in relief, questioning his own sense of being cornered and pressured to stay moments earlier.

Danzou lead the way to the entry rather briskly, and the knock came about the time they reached it.

The door swung in to reveal Moreno Ibiki staring without expression, arms folded.

"New rule," he said flatly, making serious eye contact with Umino. "Certain places are still off-limits. This is one of them."

"Yes, sir."

"This new rule is the Lady Hokage's orders?" Danzou asked timorously.

Ibiki stood aside and watched Iruka pass him in unsteady obedience.

"This man's orders are my responsibility. Where they originate is not a subject for general discussion."

"Making it up as you go, then. I see. Well, I'll be checking on that. I was not informed about any restriction and I don't see any legitimate reason for it."

Unhurried, Danzou pulled the door shut without farewell.

Iruka stared at the clothes in his hand for a moment before looking up; Ibiki had him by the upper arm already, pulling him along without hesitation until they were well away from Shimura property.

Munasawagi, anonymous in his ANBU moth mask, materialized from the shadows along the way to join them and received a rare nod of great approval from his boss.

"You're all right?" Ibiki asked gruffly, waiting to let go until he was certain Iruka was steady on his feet. "What did he want with you?"

"I..." he shook his head. "He just said he wanted to give me my things back."

"Nothing else?"

"He wants me to come back and see if I can remember my training at all."

"And you said..?"

"I told him I wasn't free to do that."

"You're right about that. That was all?"

"Yes."

Ibiki sighed and looked off in the distance; that oddly human behavior just added to Iruka's general discomfort.

"I want you to steer clear of this area unless I tell you otherwise. Understand? If you're okay then get moving. Go home. Now. We'll discuss this later."

He didn't have to say it twice. Moving faster than he would have thought he was capable of a moment ago, Iruka quickly did as he was told, more than sufficiently motivated even without those direct orders.

Ibiki watched him go before addressing the patiently waiting ANBU.

"Excellent work."

"Thank you, sir."

"Report."

"There's still heavy blockage in the compound but I was able to follow the general exchange between them up until they intruded past the entry of the structure. Danzo was emitting a subtle compelling aura to narrow Umino's focus and dampen his anxiety, nothing strong or influential enough to be considered abduction or force. Umino was slightly stunned and disoriented but that seemed to be due to an underlying organic disorder. There wasn't much to the conversation. Shimura was leading him in with small talk and using the personal effects as an excuse; but the situation really had him excited. All of his vital signs were elevated. That was the factor that I thought justified the high alert; it had a dark, predatory feel to it."

"We interrupted him. I can't decide if we went in just in time, or too soon."

"This is that trade-off you talked about. About preservation versus entrapment."

"Yes, well...I liked your use of judgment in this matter. How are the shifts going in general?"

"I'm still building up my stamina. It's disappointing to come in and detect the remnants of activity that I missed while I was off-duty."

"You won't be able to do this around-the-clock on a regular basis and you're not expected to. I want you to continue to concentrate more on your depth of penetration. I still want your goal to be sensory infiltration of every square inch of that compound. Once you can do that, I doubt we'll be needing longevity."

"Yes, sir. By the way, the usual Root kid made another visit today. Same as last time. It's in the log."

"I can't wait to see if I'm right about that activity. Now, go ahead and get your paperwork done and sign out. I'm detecting some strain in your chakra. When you overuse the sonar-style, you need to rest properly to avoid setbacks."

Moth bowed and withdrew immediately, smiling behind the mask in pride and relief. Ibiki's opinion of him was a mystery; the monolithic man watched him intently whenever he was near, giving him terse orders and direction and occasionally instruction him on ANBU basics, but giving no real feedback on how he was doing, whether he was going to make the cut, or even whether he was seen as an acceptable human presence.

He'd been told not to worry about it, that the men never expected praise or encouragement; if you didn't get reamed or kicked out, that was the best sign that you were on the right track.

He thought he would knock his mask off grinning at that nod of approval. But 'excellent work'? Really? How could anybody hate working for this guy? The rarity of the praise gave it so much more value! He would follow orders to the letter and do nothing but rest properly and prepare for the next shift.

Danzou's days of concealing his activity in the compound were numbered. Munasawagi would see to it, in order to cement his position in ANBU and with luck, garner rare praise once more.

xxxx

Raidou solemnly set the lock and let his hand fall to the cloth satchel. Tsunade was honoring Genma's last will and testament as if he were dead, despite her claim that they were going forward taking his message of survival as truth. Everything once belonging to the name Shiranui was now entrusted into the name of Namiashi.

She did direct him to wait before making any irreversible decisions in regard to Gen's property or personal effects. And that for the duration, as it had for the past few months, the village would absorb the unpaid rent and provide minimal utilities to maintain the unoccupied apartment, so that Gen would be able to return to his own home if he became able. Maybe that was a genuine gesture of faith. They weren't big on wasting money on fallen soldiers.

It wouldn't take much in the way of upkeep. It probably would have been fine to leave things as they were; but he just wasn't comfortable with leaving precious mementos, some valuable and some clearly not, sitting around unattended for a long period of time. No point in tempting fate. And if he was brutally honest with himself, he'd have to admit that he wanted these small things close by every day when he was at home in the village, to touch them and look at them, to remind him to keep looking and thinking and trying to solve the mystery.

It was unseasonably warm today, and the sun was beating down in the street. He perched on the rail instead of trudging on, hoarding a few more moments just under the shade of the overhang, and caught himself sighing.

He still refused to believe it. Genma would never willingly do this to him. They knew each other too well for the senbon-nin to ever think that leaving him with such uncertainty would be kinder that knowing the worst. Gen did not die and try to conceal it; but he didn't form a grand plan for some clever last-ditch road trip to redemption, either. Not as a secret from his most trusted, dedicated friend. Friendship was such a lame, insufficient description of the relationship between them. Their bond was unbreakable. So it was his job to figure out what really happened to Genma. To find him, wherever he might be, and stand prepared to do whatever it took to help him if he found him alive.

A hundred times at least, he'd stood on this spot and waited to leave for a mission in bemused impatience while Gen rumbled around inside, shouting a play-by-play account of his final preparations as if that would offset his slight tardiness. He always emerged with that odd, half-smile, as if he couldn't quite believe that he'd pulled it off, making them late without irritating Rai. Something about that slightly apologetic expression always snuffed his annoyance and replaced it with swell of gratitude that he had been blessed with someone he fit with so well, someone so worthy of putting his life on the line for, a partner he never had a doubt about no matter the risk.

He wasn't ready to let go of the slim hope that they would play out a scene like that again some day.

The sheer gravity of reality made his rise quite the effort; he took his time walking away, looking down at his lone shadow, taking the short, well-worn path to his own home.

I won't give up. I'll never give up. These treasures will remind me that when I'm home I should be out there searching instead. Whatever your situation, I'm going to figure it out, and I'm going to find you no matter what it takes.

You know what? Enough of this useless stewing. I'm tired of waiting for permission. I'm not waiting any longer.

He hastened his step with a surge of determination, throwing aside doubt to focus on what he should pack to prepare for his self-appointed mission.

xxx

The daylight was harsh yet welcome compared to the dank, oppressive bowels of Danzo's training room; Iruka abandoned the common path to skirt any potential crowds, aiming to cover ground quickly by cutting across the established routes. His head throbbed with memories that were edging out into the open; ugly, gut-wrenching glimpses of a time spent doing brutal, efficient wet work without a moment's hesitation. His imagination was supplying the odors of blood and fresh death, turning his already aching belly inside out. That offer of reclaiming his former skills lured him into dangerous introspection – it was the attempt to figure out what that offer really meant in terms of value that sent his brain into overload. He'd crested high in the rankings, recognized with awards and promotions for his dedication and skill; and he had to have been fully self-aware of the magnitude of his glory and status and power. Yet if those things were so vital and precious in the life he led before, why couldn't he remember any positive feelings about those supposedly noble, splendorous lost days yet? He couldn't relate to the memories, or imagine how he could have been the sort of person who would actively want to have them.

He never would have blundered into Danzou so carelessly if he was his normal self. Ever since Kakashi removed Hide's jutsu, between the increasing pressure of Even's temper and the specter of Jeninki, he sometimes wondered if he was finally going insane. At the moment, struggling for air with the world closing in, it seemed an all too real possibility.

It wasn't until he was surrounded by the lush green of the junior training grounds that he managed to calm his thundering heart and rein in his need for flight.

A noisy group of kids in a wide range of ages were practicing their throwing skills and horsing around with one another. It seemed possible to catch his breath, here in this benign setting. Hearing them shout and laugh was enough to set him back on an even keel, a medicine as good as any for easing him back into the relatively stable state he'd been able to maintain until his anxiety attack began.

His students always had that effect on him in the past, he realized. In their presence, his own role was clear, and his commitment to instruct and protect them left no room for self-interest or doubt. In teaching, his priorities straightened themselves, his dedication a fully reliable gyroscope that kept him firmly upright.

A couple of them spared a look in his direction, but for the most part they ignored or didn't seem to notice him. He shook off the last of his selfish introspection to fully focus on the situation.

It wasn't his pride that railed at being ignored, disregarded as a threat. These kids didn't even know him. What if he was an intruder, an enemy? He didn't see any sign of an adult to watch over them, the only excuse he would even consider accepting for this obvious lack of wariness.

He stopped, hands on hips, and stared at them boldly. Not a one took exception to his scrutiny, so he decided to approach them straight on. Surely, that would get at least one of them on guard.

A kunai came in his direction – sort of – from a very young child who missed his target. Iruka snatched it up before the boy could retrieve it and gripped it by the handle, more or less pointing the business end at him, trying to hint at just how unknown a factor he really was here. The little hand extended out to him open, palm up, expectantly. None of the older kids paid any attention to their smaller classmate's careless exposure to risk.

No teamwork. No non-linear perception. No...he just noticed the worst sin of all, mirrored in the actions of the entire bunch. He hoped he was wrong.

He handed back the kunai.

"Practice, hm?" he asked.

"Yup. Thanks."

"Hey, do me a favor, will you? See if you can hit that board over there."

"With my kunai?"

"Yeah. Show me how you'd throw at that target. Okay?"

"I guess."

"Iruka-neesan!"

They both startled as a flash of crazy orange-clad ninja dropped from the tree laughing.

"Gotcha! Never thought I'd be able to sneak up on you! It's one of my better skills now, do you like it?"

"If having your heart stop is likeable," Iruka exhaled in relief. "Not bad. Stealth used to be your worst subject."

"What's this little guy here doin'?" Naruto smiled. It was more like he was watching Iruka watch the kids, marveling at how normal he seemed.

"This young man..."

"Sena!" chirped the student in self-introduction.

"Sorry. Sena was about to show me his throwing skills. Go ahead, do your best!"

When the tip of the blade bit the edge of the board, the little boy leapt up with his fist in the air, whooping in victory.

But both Iruka and Naruto paused for a moment.

"You did that all by sight, didn't you? With just your excellent hand-eye coordination?" Iruka asked kindly.

"Yes!"

"You didn't use any other senses, then?"

"Nope!" he said proudly. He noticed the other kids moving further away to another area of the field. "Oh, look! I'm going! See you!"

"Just by eye," Naruto said solemnly.

"Yes. I thought that's how they were doing it. But I wanted to be sure."

"All of them? Even the oldest?"

"As far as I can tell, yes. And beyond that, not a one asked who I was, even when I singled out the littlest and drew him away by taking his kunai."

"Shit. Throwing like that..."

"At this age it will become ingrained."

"Maybe they train them up later when they're in teams?"

"Maybe. But the difference between instilling the right techniques from the start and breaking bad habits to create new ones later...that difference in reaction time, the lack of instinct..."

"Timing's not gonna be there like it should."

"Yes. Some of them will never overcome that slight delay."

"You'd be more likely to lose to a sharp opponent."

"I wonder if that's causing the higher injury rate among the newbies. They need to learn to be aware at all times from the earliest age possible. To limit their trust. And to fully sense their surroundings, and their targets, not just take it in visually because it's easier."

"The Academy isn't quite what it was when we were there, Sensei."

"I guess it's not my department anymore, but..."

"But you can't just see this and not say or do anything, can you?" Naruto asked. He hoped he already knew Iruka's answer. He certainly knew what it would have been, way back when. But with all that had happened, he couldn't be sure. "I'll say somethin', of course, but ya know, for some reason, people don't always listen to me. Now if you..."

"Oh, shit. I have to go! I'm kind of in trouble, and if I don't get home right now..."

"Done!" Naruto made a grab and in a flash they were relocated in Iruka's apartment. He didn't get chance to crow about his mad transportation jutsu skills; instead, he rankled at the sense of an ANBU lurking close by. Were they going to spy on Iruka and hound him forever?

Grateful but dizzied and still a tic annoyed at how casually people kept hauling him around, Iruka checked the clock and the timbre of the ANBU presence. Everything was calm. He didn't sense any particular reaction from those watching for his return.

"Still with the 24/7? What the hell?"

"I don't know. I don't know anymore, I just..." Iruka fell into his chair in a heap. "I can't say they're completely off base. They pulled me out of Danzou's today. I swear I'm not even sure how I got there. I guess they'll be asking me about it."

"You went to Danzo's place, are you shitting me? You mean you just ended up there? In there? You know that's not a good idea, right?"

"I know. I..." he searched his empty hands. Danzo had given him back some clothes and things, but he didn't have them now. Had he dropped them? Really, without even noticing? He had a lot of nerve being critical of the children's powers of observation.

"It's funny...as hard as everything is for you, and with all the shit going on, you still knew everything about the way those kids were being trained at a glance."

Iruka straightened to gaze openly into sharp, inquisitive blue eyes.

Though it was Naruto who claimed that making their connection was the turning point in his life, their relationship had lifted Iruka from darkness many times over as well. The younger man's words, with their honesty and sincere affection, had a great impact on his heart yet again.

He was right. That talent might be the only one that had not deserted him, the one he could still rely upon even in times of stress and adversity. And apparently, it was still sorely needed to support this village. His conscience railed at him to make the problems that he witnessed right before they worsened. And the selfish part of his brain began working the advantages, the wisdom of stepping back into the Academy realm. He still needed time to think, recover and redevelop. He wanted to shake off Hide before that situation got any worse; the man had no concept of personal boundaries and Iruka sensed that he was still developing an unhealthy, unprofessional attachment.

If people would talk and make fun of him for it, it made no difference – they were already talking plenty of shit, so there was no deterrent there. And did it really matter if it hurt his pride to work in that traditionally lower-status field again? If he ever wondered how truly valuable his efforts as an instructor might be, seeing the impact of poor training on those kids was living proof of his worth.

Ibiki was hammering at the door, as he fully expected. There would be more questions about Danzo, a lecture...and probably a renewed demand to know if he'd made any headway in deciding on the offer of work at the T&I compound. Up until now, he'd struggled for an excuse to refuse.

Now he'd have sound logic to support returning to a path everyone else had more or less been covertly threatening him with. The dodge away from the torture specialist's influence might look like surrender, but so be it.

It might best for everyone, status and appearances be damned.

"That will be Moreno-san. You should probably go," Iruka advised.

"Nah, I'm cool. That guy don't bother me."

He met the demand at his door with a lighter heart, a little bolder, less intimidated. He hadn't realized how heavy the weight of his indecision had been until this new possibility lifted it.

Kakashi's advice was right on the money. The best thing a person can do is trust their own gut.

xxxxx

"You're meeting with the head of the Academy, so I know you're serious."

"Don't make it sound like I'm doing something illegal. Ibiki offered me a position but he said I had a choice whether to accept it. How can it be a choice if there's no other option? And I have our Hokage's blessing; she even came to tell me how pleased she'd be if I returned to teaching."

"You might as well stay here as to do that."

"I probably will be here. When I taught before I did days at the Academy and weekends and evenings on the Desk. I imagine that sort of collateral assignment hasn't changed."

The door swung open and the room fell out of space and time. Kakashi strolled in, his hair and vest well-spattered with drying blood, casually eying them both.

After a moment's pause, he went to the counter and began filling out his paperwork, back turned to both of them.

Iruka's automatic greeting died in his guilty throat. He was moving so fast, going through the reinstatement paperwork, getting the Hokage's approval, trying to get a the meetings set up at the Academy in hopes of having a solid answer when the time to reply to Ibiki was up – all while dealing with extra shifts here at the desk. He hadn't given the situation with Kakashi any thought at all in the last couple of weeks. Their relationship wasn't an easy problem to deal with, it meant finding the courage and the wits to approach him while worrying about how far wrong it might go once they were alone together again. It was in self-defense that he'd pushed the man and that mess out of his head in order to concentrate on the issue at hand.

He certainly wasn't managing to come up with anything brilliant to say to the elite jounin on a moment's notice.

He didn't have to. Kakashi finished his form, took it to Hide and upon seeing him inking the acceptance stamp to mark in his paperwork, turned and left without comment or unnecessary shifts in his visual field.

Hide noted that Iruka busied himself immediately, digging into his stack of files before the door finished closing. He didn't appear to be upset or mooning or hurt. Ibiki would be pleased to hear that they were finally making good headway in dealing with the situation.

Iruka found it unexpectedly easy to maintain a show of disinterest. He had to stay focused on this bid to talk his way back into the Academy, because he didn't want just any old position and he knew he'd have to sell his worth. Kakashi had such a huge, disruptive, negative impact, and he just couldn't afford to be distracted by the drama right now. The copy-nin wasn't to be trusted, and he was given to a lot of bad behaviors. He was violent and rude and cold and unforgiving. It was hard to imagine, sometimes, what the attraction was to begin with.

Oh well, Iruka thought, there will be plenty of time to plow through that mess and figure it out later.

Hide filed away the loser's report with righteous satisfaction. It meant had time to apply more influence to keep it that way.

Iruka shivered involuntarily at Hide's hand on his shoulder, odd because the physical sensation of that hand was, as always, noticeably warm, even through his shirt and vest.

"I guess you're probably relieved that you don't have to explain this career move to him," Hide said, leaning in. "I can imagine how he'd react. I know that I was surprised and disappointed. But if you do take this path, you should try not to feel too ashamed. Most people won't pay much attention. They know you've got problems. And once the word gets out and the chatter gets boring, they'll let it go."

"You make it sound like I'm giving up."

"I think you are. You're retreating and hiding like a child, back into the skirts of something you know that's non-threatening and comfortable. It's obvious to anyone, so I strongly suggest that you stop kidding yourself. It's better that you prepare for people's reactions realistically."

The feedback from their physical contact proved beneficial. He felt Iruka's slight stiffening, sensed his budding irritation. Not at all the right direction to take this at the moment.

"I'm not worried about people's reactions."

Hide let his hand begin slowly kneading at his subject's tight shoulder.

"Nor am I. I just worry about you. That's all. If you try this and you don't like it, there may be no where else to go. You might not be seen as suitable for the track Morino-san is trying to offer you now. At least now you have options worthy of your skills."

Iruka grimaced. It was true that this was probably the last fork in the road where he might actually have options. But if he fell in with Ibiki, he couldn't see ever getting out, in shame or otherwise. And he couldn't see where teaching would be that unbearable, even if it didn't turn out to be a comfortable fit. And it would ease this pressure with Kakashi and Hide always hanging over him. He'd become boring to them and they'd leave him alone. Alone wasn't really where he wanted to be either, though. Stupid Hide, always able to cloud his thinking, even when he tried to keep his path clear-cut.

"I'm sorry," Hide's voice was much softer now, seasoned with just the right amount of affection to be comforting and not predatory. "I'm not trying to be critical. I'm not upset with you, Iruka. I know this is hard for you. I know it has to be hard to see Hatake roll through here and ignore you like he's never laid a hand on you in his life. I can't blame you for trying to find an environment where you just don't have to deal with all of this."

Hide's other hand casually began rubbing too, as much as working around a heavy vest would allow. He gradually introduced his jutsu again, applying another slow layer of distrust for Kakashi and redirection of attachment to himself. It was frustratingly slow, having to be this subtle, but he had to be extra careful in order to avoid detection. He could strangle the Sharingan user for removing his prior months of work and bringing this into Iruka's attention. Without that interference, he could easily have been the primary influence in every thought and deed by now.

His lips drew close to Iruka's ear, and he tempered his deep voice accordingly.

"You can't blame me for being a little selfish. Our time together has honestly been the best experience of my life. It hurts to think of you leaving. It hurts even more to know that you don't have the same feelings. I'd support you to the end. I'd always be there for you. But it feels like, if you walk out of here, I doubt you'd ever even come to see me of your own free will. I guess it's probably the same feeling as you had just now when Hatake came through here. I'll just have to accept it and let go. Just like you're doing with him."

"Y-you're always so extreme," Iruka breathed, caught up a little in the soothing motion of the massage and the radiating warmth of the jutsu. "I don't know that I'd never come see you."

"Are you telling me not to give up?" His lip made a calculated accidental brush against Iruka's ear and he felt the shiver of reaction. If only he had more time. This was so on track, finally working just the way it should.

"Ah…"

"Because I don't want to give up. Every time I see that troubled look, it's all I can do not to reach out to you to make it better. I can make it better, Iruka. If you'd just let me." He slipped one arm down, and when there was no evasion, the other, and hugged his subject from behind. "If you'd just let me in a little, I'd show you. You don't deserve all this sadness and pain."

Iruka struggled to captain his fractionated thoughts. In the end he just couldn't think properly and accepted the embrace for the solace that it offered, nodding his head and bringing his own hand up to squeeze Hide's forearm in guarded thanks for the support. They stayed that way in silence for a few minutes, eyes closed, just holding on.

Well pleased with his progress, Hide kept up the hug and the jutsu and the distraction as long as possible. He had to suppress a grin at the strong sensations he was getting from the near distance. Hatake shouldn't be spying on people if he can't bear to learn the truth. He shouldn't impose on the intimate moments of others.

He shouldn't be so shocked at the possibility that Hide could be the right person for Iruka after all.

xxx

"My God, what do you think you're doing?" Danzo roared, his hand stopping just shy of connecting with his unexpected guest's throat. "I could have killed you!"

Jeninki's eyes were wide and wild, swirls of gold flickering within dark chocolate.

"I had to see you. I need your help!"

"Calm down. Get a hold of yourself. You need to settle your Uzingan, and stop giving off that chakra signature. It's so strong that the ANBU might detect it even through my barrier. How did you get in here? Please tell me you didn't enter through the gate."

"No. No, I teleported from outside the wall to the memorial, then made the jump to here so the wall sensors wouldn't have a direction of travel. This is bad, Danzo. Really bad. The shinobi I took from the village recognized this body. I saw his memory; there's no doubt."

"Is that all this is about? For crying out loud. Induct him, Jen! Or dump him, hell, he can't see or talk without your help, isn't that right? You care about him that much?"

"I wish it were that petty and simple. It's not about him at all. In fact I'm grateful to him, I owe him. Because of his memory, I know that this host body is going to fail. This man was seriously deranged, a completely abnormal sadist. You know what that implies about the organic brain structure."

Danzo considered him skeptically, still reluctant to be drawn into Jeninki's frantic state of emergency.

"Just take it easy. It's highly probable but it's not a 100% correlation. I can do an evaluation, we just need to find a way to shelter you here so you're not detected when we test your upper limits."

"Come with me. Do the diagnostics at my home. I can't stay away that long; Shiranui is still an invalid and there's no one else to take care of him."

"So you expect me to take that kind of risk for his sake? Just because you want to play house with him a while longer? You told me yourself that you may end up having to induct him when all is said and done. So, no. Induct him now and be done with it. I have no intention of sticking out my neck for someone like that. You're lucky I'm generous enough to risk letting you stay here in this situation."

"I haven't been doing any self-examination; I think that degree of careless – no, arrogance - is an early sign of influence from a flawed host. This mind could become more erratic at any minute. That's the biggest risk factor! If I lose control again, we could both go down. We were lucky last time."

"Partially. But a big part of your resurrection was due to my ability to handle the situation. Now listen to me. Let's at least do a few simple tests."

"All right. All right," Jeninki breathed, trying to slow his galloping heart. "This isn't like me, to panic and lose my composure. This is all wrong. All wrong!"

"Let's just see. Being a little more emotional and rushing to seek help isn't the same thing as going berserk. It's not even an inappropriate reaction. Have you noticed anything odd? Any nagging problems or sudden changes in your habits or outlook?"

"When I started thinking back on it, I've made some stunningly poor choices. I could have taken Shiranui with far less personal risk. I should never have left Iruka behind when I could have inducted him; and if he doesn't keep his thoughts about me to himself, it could stir up some suspicion."

Danzo scowled. "What do you mean, if doesn't keep his thoughts to himself? I just had an interaction with Umino myself. What thoughts?"

"I didn't want to erase our connection completely," Jeninki admitted solemnly. "I just left him with a tiny bit of doubt. A little speck of possibility that we might see one another again someday."

"A doubt? Just a doubt, that's not going to seem odd to anyone."

"Well...it was a little more than that. I left him some dreams to go along with it. Dreams are harmless, they're basically imagination anyway. Except that...now that I look back on it...the way I embedded them...he might have those dreams while he's awake sometimes. In certain situations. He might kind of...see me...in place of others."

"Oh, that...that's just great. You actually embedded something? With your own chakra? You realize how stupid..."

"I do! I do now! That's what I'm saying! Little lapses in judgment! This is how it started last time! First it's just a wobble here and there, then it gets harder and harder to maintain course and speed, then bam! Clear off the rails. At least last time the delusions were somewhat supportable."

"Fucking hell. I need to know every detail about that ray of hope you left in Umino. I've been interacting with him in public; I've got to make sure that it isn't going to backfire on me."

"I've never related the two of us, he wouldn't associate me with you."

"No? How about the whole fucking time he was in Root?"

"Even was the personality that was in Root; you said he was destroyed."

"Not completely. Something of him still reacts when I get up close to Umino; I feel my chakra resonating with the same wavelength that received the oath. That's the only reason I didn't feel troubled about being around him. In the unlikely event that whatever is left of Even might still form a thought and attempt to communicate it, he is still restricted from speaking about Root secrets to anyone but me. But now, here, you salted something into the open sea that anyone might discover. It doesn't connect to me directly, but it might bring more scrutiny my way, and now when we need it least of all!"

"He's no longer skilled enough to secure a replacement host."

"We – and that means you, damn it – we are going to stay the hell away from him. Got it? The ANBU monitor his whereabouts and Morino and Hatake chase him around like he's in heat. Unless there's more you're not telling me, that's all we can do. His mental health isn't all that sound; if he starts ragging about dead men coming back to life without any proof, they'll lock him up. He's probably aware of that already and he's keeping the visions to himself."

"I remember my actions clearly; when I left him by the memorial grounds, I took a sliver of memory from our time in prison and brought it to the forefront. It was from the time when I was slowly building up my influence over him with the Uzingan, but he'd bonded to me in that cell much more intimately than I could account for from the technique alone. I was genuinely touched. As crazy as I was, it was rare moment of beauty and sanity. So I wanted both of us to actively share that memory. And for him to realize that I will always feel that warmth for him, no matter where he goes or who he is with."

"Maybe it isn't because of your defective hosts. Maybe it's you. You still talk like that was a perfectly understandable, normal thing to do. Like the risk doesn't matter. Like using an eye technique to commit rape is eternal love in its purest form. I almost give up, Jeninki. I don't understand you at all."

"There wasn't anything that even came close to a rape. Stop being so vile."

"Stop focusing on things that don't matter! You're still not..."

"What if I brought him here?" Jeninki said, suddenly perked up like he'd found the answer.

"Why would you do that? How is that a good idea?"

"Because I could take care of him here, and I wouldn't have to go back and forth. No one would know he was here. He can't move on his own or make noise if I don't let him. He barely has a chakra signature at all, even up close. And..."

"Shiranui? You're talking about Shiranui now?" Danzou slapped his forehead, shaking his head. Jeninki was already significantly disjointed and unfocused; that made sense, now, though. He'd used his chakra and eye technique to the limit several times right after switching bodies. He might have gotten away with it unscathed had the host been sound; but a flawed host would start coming apart quickly upon being used to the limit before the new soul had a chance to integrate fully. They would have to get to seeking a new host right away in order to avoid taking the eyes, disembodied, for safekeeping.

"I can care for him in this room."

"No, you can't. He can't stay here. You went to all that risk and trouble to spirit him away. Having any trace of his scent detected here is enough to bring down everything we've ever worked for."

"Then I have to go. I need to take care of him."

Danzo considered whether to capture and confine his errant comrade. But as poorly as his thought processes were working, he seemed fully able physically and his chakra pulse was massive. There was no way such a battle could be concealed here.

And in a blink of an eye, the decision was no longer his to make. His visitor was gone.

tbc