Author's Warning: The Following Chapter contains self-harm. It is painted in a gratifying light due to the first person perspective. If you are sensitive to this topic or just don't enjoy gore, please skip over the first 'Fi' section of the chapter.
Tuesday: August 19th 2014
Time: 4:30 PM
Perspective: Zelda
I sit back and take it all in. After nearly a year of watching every now and then Saria and I finally finished 'Scrubs'. I laughed, I cried, I laughed again… It was a wild ride. We're currently wrapped in tons of blankets sitting on her bed. It's so comfortable… I could easily fall asleep right now. Saria nuzzles her face against my shoulder and sighs contently. I wrap an arm around her and stare at the credits. Looks like we're going to need a new show pretty soon.
"And that's it." She lets out a deep breath. "My favorite show."
"I'm glad you showed it to me." I smile. "And Season 9 is off limits?"
"Season 9 killed my family. You will not watch it." She laughs.
"Alright, alright. I trust your judgment. At least there was a satisfying ending." I rest my head on her pillow as her head rests on my body.
We just stay like this for a few minutes without talking. I feel myself slowly slipping into dreamland… Saria's breathing has slowed as well. That's fine. I really like napping with her. She shifts a bit so her face is very close to mine. I blush. I'm still not used to intimate contact and I don't think I ever will be. She looks into my eyes. Such beautiful green eyes. Her hands hold my cheeks.
"You're not fully here Zel. Where are you?" She yawns.
I shake my head.
"I'm right here Saria…" I lean against her hand and close my eyes.
"Bull. We're been dating for nine months now ya big goof. You can't fool me that easily." She kisses my cheek.
I don't respond. I just look away. Saria doesn't need to worry about this. She's never even met either of the girls involved.
"It's Fi, right?" She asks, running a soft hand through my hair.
I turn my head in shock. How did she….?
"I'm not an idiot Zel… You liked Fi once, right?" She smiles acceptingly.
Maybe I really can tell her anything…
"Liked." I assure her. "Now I'm just worried about her."
She nods.
"You two were really close? I can tell."
"Really close… But then she ignored me for nine months… And now?" I sigh.
"Now?" She raises a brow.
"She talked to me today… But then I saw how her girlfriend treated her."
"How?"
"She's abusive Saria… Has Fi wrapped around her finger. They were practically eating each other's faces in the hall."
"You have to be there for her Zel." She rubs my arm and I nod.
I look into her eyes again. Man… Her smile, her laugh, her cute little face whenever she's got a horrible joke in mind. I think about all of these things as she lies on top of me. I clear my throat and shift slightly.
"Have I ever told you tha-"
"I love you." She stops me.
My eyes widen. We…. Haven't said that yet. I was just going to say that she was amazing or something… But she went and used the big 'L'… She blushes and looks away.
"That wasn't what you were going to say…" She makes a sound of annoyance, dragging her hands down her face.
"It just felt like the time to say it…. And you needed reassurance…. And I've felt it for weeks now and I…" She goes on and on.
Now it's my turn to interrupt her. I lean in and kiss her tenderly. She makes a cute sound of surprise and acceptance; lifting a hand to my cheek. I pull away.
"I love you too, Saria. You've shown me so many things. So many interests and hobbies and experiences that I would have never found otherwise… You showed me that I was attracted to girls… To you…" I fix her hair. "It just feels weird because we're sixteen… I've never felt this way and I'm worried that it's some passing phase… Like I'm a stupid kid."
"So?" She smiles. "You're feeling it now. Don't dwell on stuff like that. Live in the moment. Don't completely shut yourself out of the future. That's important to think about, but putting every feeling under a magnifying glass it dumb. You feel like you love me, so you do."
I nod. She always puts things into perspective… Always makes me feel like I'm important and validated. While I do need to help Fi, I can honestly say that I don't want her anymore. Saria is all I could want and more. I cuddle up against her and smile happily.
"You always know exactly what to say…" I kiss her cheek.
"Sleep." She giggles.
"Yet another good idea…"
For now at least all of my worries fade away in the arms of Saria. She calms me… I feel safe with her. And I know that she feels the same way. I fall asleep shortly after; my mind is in dire need of a break after this long day.
Tuesday: August 19th 2014
Time: 11:40 PM
Perspective: Fi
I walk into my bathroom and nearly fall over as I stumble to the sink. Tears run down my face and my heart is pounding. It's happening again… I can't take it anymore. The pressure in my stomach won't go away no matter what I do. Ruto makes me feel better but she's not around every second of every day. I sob alone in my room almost every single night now. Dad works late… Zelda wants nothing to do with me… It's all too much.
My shaking hands reach into the cabinet and find what I'm looking for. My small, shining blade. I breathe heavily as I stare at it. My tears fall down onto the knife and I know that I have to do it again. It's not to punish myself. I'm not a fool. In fact, cutting myself in general seemed like a ridiculous idea for many months. Who would do that to their own body? It's not out of hate or anything of the sort. It's a concept that nobody could understand without going through it. I just need to let it out. All of my fears, sadness, everything. I have so much pent up emotion and it needs to find a way out of my body.
And so I find it rather soothing to open my flesh and allow something of myself to flow out. It's like I'm letting out my depression… My body feels so full. Like another thought couldn't possibly fit. Like another emotion can't form until I purge. And that's how it started. At first I was afraid, but now I know how to do it properly.
I slide the knife along my arm, letting out a soft sigh as it pierces my skin and draws blood. I can feel something again… This pain… It's allowing me to see reality once more. It's clearing the fog in my mind by allowing it an exit. Blood drips onto the floor. Its small sound is soothing. Or perhaps I'm imagining the sound. Either way I'm content. Another cut. I smile and lean my head back as the sadness leaves me.
For a few minutes I'm happy again. I'm Fi. I feel like I can do anything. I'm tempted to call Zelda. But sooner than I would wish that feeling fades. My mind begins to question every decision again. My eyes once again become wet with doubt and confusion. I cry even more. Why can't I just be happy? Haven't I done enough? Haven't I suffered enough? I obey… I do what's asked of me happily… I'm a good daughter… A good girlfriend… So why does this happen?
"It's not right…" I say through clenched teeth.
I can't even comprehend what's right anymore. My once incredible mind has been reduced to a barren wasteland due to the turmoil it's endured. I'm a hollow shell of my former self. Something has changed, I just can't put my finger on it. The old Fi would be able to identify the problem… Isolate the variable and decide what to do about it… But I am no longer that girl. I am no longer Fi Paladin. I'm an imposter wearing her flesh around. I'm a lie.
Cut.
I deserve this. I deserve to lose myself. I don't deserve the relief that this knife gives me. What have I done to deserve such respite?
"NOTHING!" I scream, throwing the knife.
It makes a loud sound of resistance, slamming against the wall and falling to the floor like a useless piece of trash. I don't deserve that. I'm a bloody mess. Literally a bloody mess. Everything is terrible and I can't do anything about it…. What do I do…?
My phone rings. It's a text from Ruto…
"Hey baby. How you feeling? I was hoping for a picture since we didn't get to mess around today…"
I sniffle, taking a deep breath. I'm really not in the mood to sext. I would never tell Ruto that of course. I practically belong to her. So I nod like a good girl and ready the camera.
Wednesday: August 20th 2014
Time: 2:40 PM
Perspective: Zelda
Fi didn't come to school today. It's the first time she's missed school since she was hospitalized back in October. This is not in character. One day she had strep and still came against her dad's orders. Fi Paladin does not skip school. Needless to say I am very worried. She's not exactly stable. After school I immediately headed out. The bus is a luxury for sure, but our neighborhood is definitely within walking distance. Especially since the bus rolls in about fifteen minutes after school ends.
Everything that happened between us is irrelevant. I will help Fi in her time of need. I just wish I had seen that sooner. Months sooner. I approach her front door and kick. No answer… Of course. I suppose breaking and entering is worth helping Fi. Well, just entering. I open the door and walk inside. There are no signs of her anywhere. I walk through the place calling her name.
"Fi! Why weren't you at school today?"
Wouldn't it be hilarious if she just went out of town for something? I mean… How would I even know? It's not like we talk anymore. I decide to push those thoughts back for my own good. She has to be here. Her bedroom door is closed. I knock a few times and get no answer.
"Fi. It's okay. I'm sorry." I call from the other side.
No response.
"I'm coming in."
I open the door and see her lying in bed. She looks terrible… Her hair's a mess, her clothing hasn't changed since yesterday, her eyes have bags under them, and her hands are bloodstained. Fi… Why did you have to hurt yourself again?
"Z-Zelda?" She asks, not moving.
I approach the bed.
"Yes, Fi… It's me. What happened?" I say softly, sitting on the side of the bed.
Her eyes look like they've been crying a lot. Poor baby… I take her hand into mine.
"Fi, talk to me. You wanted to yesterday." I smile warmly, trying to get through to her.
She shakes her head.
"No… You were right to send me away…" She sighs. "I'm undeserving of your kindness…"
"Is that what she's telling you?" I ask.
Her eyes widen and she finally looks at me. She seems horrified.
"Wh-What do you mean 'she'?"
"Ruto… I was watching you guys yesterday at lunch." I admit, clutching her hand tight.
"That's okay Zelda… And no… Ruto is my rock." She smiles weakly.
Somehow, I don't believe that. I brush the hair from her face, holding her.
"Fi, you can talk to me. I understand you just as well as Ruto…" I say softly. What if she's too far gone?
"I didn't want this to happen Zelda… I never wanted to leave you… I did this because…" She stops herself.
"Because…?"
She looks incredibly pained.
"Is your arm okay?" I reach over and lift it. They look cleaned.
"Better than fine… It's just…"
I stop her, pulling her close. We hug for the first time in what feels like an eternity. Despite everything, I'm so happy. I've missed Fi so much. And I will put the pieces back together. She starts to cry, which of course makes me cry. We hold each other for a solid two minutes crying like babies.
"You don't have to say…" I smile. "Take it as slow as you want."
"No… Dishonesty is why we're in this mess…. Zelda, I started talking to Ruto so you'd get jealous…" She looks away, horribly ashamed.
This is what I feared. But I hug her all the same.
"That doesn't matter." I assure her.
"Because… Because from month one I liked you…. So much it hurt at some points. But I didn't know if you were gay or not… And then Saria got to you first and I just…. I wanted you to myself. I wanted to get your attention while also letting you know that I was gay." She shakes her head. "I'm horrible…"
I'm taken off guard by this. Fi has liked me all this time…? But I'm with Saria. I love Saria.
"That's okay Fi. I'm not mad. I'm not mad about anything. Anything…"
She looks at me and does something that I truly wish she didn't. Fi leans in and kisses me. I don't push her away out of fear. What if this rejection ruins her? Do I even want to reject her? Her soft lips slide along mine and I enjoy it. She raises her hands and wraps them around my back. I lean forward and kiss her more. She's very experienced… I try not to focus on the reason behind that. Her tongue slowly circles around my lips before receding back into her mouth. I follow it and she moans.
I'm making out with Fi… My tongue is currently inside of her mouth. I'm lying on top of her in her bed… Alone. No adults are in the house… She wraps her legs around me, pulling me even closer. Our chests press against each other. This causes me to moan. I've never gotten this way with Saria. We've made out, but never like this… Oh no. Saria… What will I tell her? I can't break up with her… I love her. But the adorable hurt girl below me is also very appealing… And Fi was always more compatible with me anyway. I should have never accepted this kiss. But at the same time I'm so happy that I did.
"Zelda…" She whispers.
I pull away, looking into her eyes. Dammit… She's so lovely… Even in this sorry condition. And kissing her is nothing like Saria. There's a fire within me… I can't explain it.
"Y-Yes?"
"We're both in relationships…" She looks incredibly ashamed.
"I know…"
"But… I want to kiss you more." She slowly admits.
"I know…" I repeat myself, unsure.
"Do you want to?"
I lean down and take her lips into mine yet again. She lets out a sound of joy and relief. We kiss with even more passion than before. I run my hand through her hair. I want her… I need her. And not just physically. But I have to stop… I have to. She takes her tank top off to reveal a black bra. I stare at her. Fi's hands travel slowly to her back, and I meet them there. I hold them tight, refusing to let them continue.
"Fi… I can't."
She looks at me with more confusion that I've ever seen on her face.
"B-But why? You think I'm attractive?"
I nod.
"Of course… But we can't do this… We owe our girlfriends more than that."
She nods as well.
"Zelda… I think that Ruto abuses me." She says softly, in a tone she hasn't used this entire time. A tone of realism and certainty.
"I… I think so too." I admit, still mounting her.
She looks into my eyes.
"I don't know how to break up with her… Or if I even can. I've heard of abusive relationships before and always wondered why the girl didn't just leave… I understand it now. I… I love her." She begins to cry.
I lean in and press my forehead against hers.
"Fi… I'm going to help you."
"But you love Saria? It's been almost a year."
I nod my head.
"What happened just now… It can't happen again." I say even though it pains me.
She smiles.
"I understand… Thank you so much Zelda…"
I don't respond, I just hold her close and think of what's to come. I am in a very bad situation.