Rosewood, November 2011
"Spencer I swear, if you don't open this door right now, God help me" Hanna shouted from the other side, the little patience she had completely gone now. "Or better, God help you!" she continued to pound on the Hastings' door relentlessly.
Finally, after what to the blonde felt like hours, someone decided to take pity on her and show up, letting her in.
" 'bout damn time!" she groaned. "Just what the hell were you doin'? You remember we had plans, don't you?" she said menacingly, bursting into the kitchen without sparing a second glance to the brunette.
"I…" Spencer croaked, her voice more hoarse than usual. "Sorry, Han, but I'm not really…"
The words exiting the older girl's mouth were not the ones the blonde wanted to hear. At all. She was feeling more and more irked as seconds passed by. However, she had to stop some snarky remark that was on the tip of her tongue when she turned around to face the brunette, noticing for the first time since she came to her house the state Spencer was in.
"Woah, what happened? Did you have an accident?" Hanna asked her, worried and horrified by her girlfriend's current attire.
Spencer was clad in a grey oversized sweater and blue running shorts, her hair up in a messy bun. Her eyes were bloodshot, her pupils dilated and a sheen of sweat covered her forehead and neck.
"Oh sweetie, you should've told me that you were coming down with the flu" Hanna's voice and facial features immediately softened at the sight.
"Yeah… sorry Han, it must've slipped my mind. I think I slept the whole afternoon" Spencer easily lied.
The truth was, she hadn't had any sleep in days. There was no flu, also. She had simply fallen back to her old habits.
Two weeks ago, when the girls found Alison's journal, she began to examine it, trying to figure out what happened to their friend that summer. She started to dedicate more and more of her time to her research, neglecting everything else. But when she realized she was falling behind in school and that her grades had dropped; that Hanna and her friends were starting to get suspicious, she had to find a way to keep going. With everything.
Love life, social life, school life. She was Spencer Hastings: the world had great expectations of her and a Hastings could never disappoint.
'The end justifies the means' was her mantra whenever she came across Brenda or Andrew in the hallways, where she exchanged fifty dollars for five little pills.
There was just no other way, if she wanted to keep it together. To function and produce results. In both her normal life and in her research. Because there was just no way she would drop it off, now that she was so close to the truth.
At the time she had thought that, with some luck, in that diary were probably some of the answers they were desperately looking for.
She had thought that those pages contained the last clue she needed to put everything together, to find out who –A was.
She had thought that figuring things out would have helped them to close this horrible chapter of their lives; to let all the pain, physical and emotional, behind, and move on. No wound in the process. No more hurt.
Oh, just how she'd been wrong.
Because, if she was right in her assumptions, then there was no way she could spare her best friend a pain she herself couldn't even begin to fathom. That's why she decided to wait to tell Aria and the others about all of her discoveries and theories.
On the other hand, Spencer knew she couldn't keep this to herself for much longer. Guilt was already gnawing at her. Hell, just three weeks ago she swore her girlfriend and best friends that there wouldn't be any more secrets between them. And now?
Now, someone would inevitably get hurt. And mad. Rightly so. All because of her.
She never wanted to play hero, she just sought the truth. Her big mistake was to not take into account the consequences.
She wanted to protect three of the most important people in her life, yet she failed them.
"Spence. Spence, baby!" Hanna's voice, like always, brought her back in the present from her musings. She was lucky to have the blonde to ground her.
"Uh?"
"You haven't heard a word of what I just said, did you?" Hanna sighed; "Let's go upstairs to your room. We'll stay in tonight and I'll take care of you" she smiled softly.
But Spencer panicked, because scattered all around her bedroom were the evidences of all of her recent investigation activities. And the orange bottle with the child-resistant cap.
"Oh baby, you don't have to! I'm fine" Spencer immediately rushed; "Really" she added when she saw the look the blonde threw her.
"Spencer, there's no way I'm letting you alone tonight! Why are you freaking out? You're hiding your mistress upstairs?" Hanna joked, but the brunette's lack of response and her nervousness were making the blonde feel uneasy.
Spencer was hiding something, of that she was sure now.
"Spence, I was joking. You're not, like, cheating on me… are you?" Hanna asked meekly, her gaze dropping to the ground.
"WHAT? No! God no, Hanna, how could you even think something like that?" The tall brunette made a scandalized, almost outraged face. And Hanna had to chuckle fondly at this.
"Then what is it?" she asked when her giggles subsided. "You've been edgy and restless all week, and you've been kinda evasive. Again. What is going on?" Hanna prodded. "Is it about –A?"
"No" Spencer shook her head vehemently. A bit too much, perhaps. "Maybe" she admitted when Hanna regarded her with another one of her looks.
"Spence!" the blonde exclaimed bewildered. "What about the 'no more secrets', uh? I thought we established that after your little undercover job"
She sounded and looked utterly disappointed, and Spencer stiffened. She couldn't bring herself to look at her.
"You're right" she whispered dejectedly. "You're absolutely right, and I'm sorry. But I had my reasons"
"Yeah? Well, you're gonna spill it out. Now " Hanna challenged, crossing her arms over her chest and assuming a defensive stance.
When the brunette didn't make any attempt to defend herself Hanna, having had enough already, strolled past her and went up to her room. Spencer hurried behind her but it was too late.
Just when she reached the door she heard a loud gasp coming from the blonde.
"What is this?" Hanna's voice was uncharacteristically low; "Spencer!"
Hundreds of pictures and papers were scattered on the floor, the bed, the desk. Diagrams, maps, telephone numbers. Alison's diary rested upon the desk, next to the laptop.
One name stood out the most in that mess: Ezra Fitzgerald. Mr Fitz for his students.
"That's why I wanted to wait until I was sure…" Spencer murmured. "I could be wrong and ruin everything. Or I could be right, tell her and still ruin everything. Do you understand now why I was waiting?"
"I can't believe this!" Hanna whispered. She sounded crushed.
Her gaze was focused on something in her hands.
It took another minute to Spencer to understand that, all along, the blonde's shocked expression had little or nothing to do with her discoveries about Ezra. It had to do, instead, with the plastic bottle she was clenching so tightly in her hand that her knuckles had turned white.
"Oh"
"Oh?" Hanna repeated after her. "Is all you have to say? Don't give me 'oh', Spencer, I want a freaking explanation!"
She was livid.
"You're a speed freak? Again? Back to square one? SPENCER" Hanna was furious.
And Spencer felt guilty. Ashamed. And irritated. So incredibly irritated.
"Look, it's nothing. I took only a couple of pills a few times, when I had to pull an all-nighter" Spencer stated, as calmly as she could. "Besides, it's not really your business"
"What did you just say?"
"I said, it's none of your business" Spencer reiterated, snatching the bottle away from her girlfriend's hands.
"You are my business" Hanna objected angrily. "Give it back to me!"
"No"
"No? Spencer, give-it-back-to-me" she spelled out each word with increasing urgency "Now" she lurched forward to take back the bottle, but Spencer shoved her off rather forcefully.
"BACK OFF ME"
Then Spencer watched helpless the blonde slamming against the wall and falling to the floor. For a moment, she had no idea what the hell had just happened.
"Oh my God" she cried out when she realized what she had done. "Oh my God, Hanna! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, baby, I didn't-"
She rushed at her girlfriend's side to check on her, to help her get up but the blonde flinched at her touch.
"Don't touch me" Hanna whispered between sobs, slapping away the brunette's hand.
"Han…" Spencer was stricken.
They both were.
"I-I… I didn't mean to hurt you. You have to believe me" the taller girl was openly crying now, too. "Please"
"I know"
"I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry" she continued to apologize like a broken record.
Hanna stood up, wincing at the pain in her back, and approached her. She took Spencer's face between her hands, stroking her cheeks gently with her thumbs.
"Shhh" she soothed; "I know, love. I know. Com'ere"
They slowly made their way to the bed, where they stayed for hours, cuddling and crying in each other's arms, seeking comfort and forgiveness.
At some point they must have fallen asleep, because Hanna suddenly opened her eyes when a strong smell of coffee and sweetness hit her nostrils. She looked up and saw Spencer placing a tray on the bedside table on her left.
Despite everything that occurred last night and being still mad at her for the whole drugs thing, an adoring smile spread across her face.
She took the brunette's hand and tugged at it, bringing the unsuspecting girl over her and into an unexpected kiss.
"Good morning, sweet girl" the blonde murmured against the older girl's lips.
"'Morning, sleepy head" Spencer smiled shyly and kissed her again. "I brought breakfast. There's coffee – before you ask yeah, it's skinny vanilla – and buttery croissants. I felt like running this morning and I stopped by at The Brew"
She pointed towards the tray, where indeed were a Styrofoam cup and a white paper bag, along with a colorful bouquet of flowers. Violets and marigolds. Hanna eyed her suspiciously.
"Eat now. We'll talk later, I promise" Spencer reassured her with a small smile.
"Did you get any sleep last night?" The blonde asked while sipping her coffee.
"Yeah" Spencer nodded; "I really needed it" she admitted. "Thank you. For staying and…"
"I'm not going anywhere, Spence" Hanna squeezed her hand, as if to show her that she meant it. And she did.
"Yeah, about that…" the brunette started to say what was on her mind since she woke up that morning, but the other girl cut her off.
"What's this?" she frowned at a small envelope on the tray she hadn't noticed before.
Spencer sighed.
"It's… there are all the pills I had left. Would you get rid of them for me?"
Hanna knew this was a huge step her love was taking, and she couldn't be prouder of her. Still, it was something the brunette had to do on her own terms. She could only assist her.
"Come with me" she took both the envelope and Spencer's hand and lead the puzzled brunette to the bathroom. "I think this is something you have to do. But hey, I'm with you! Any step of the way, I'll be right there next to you" she promised.
She handed over the pills to Spencer and watched her throwing each one of them down the toilet before flushing it.
The brunette then timidly raised her gaze to Hanna, the hint of a smile tugging at her lips, and Hanna nearly knocked her down such was the strength of her embrace.
They held onto each other for dear life, one girl apologizing over and over again for everything, the other whispering soothing words and reassuring her that everything was going to be fine.
But Spencer knew better.
Last night - while resting her head on her girlfriend's chest, the blonde's hand tangled in her hair, stroking lightly her scalp - she made up her mind.
She wanted to get better. She wanted to do it for herself and for Hanna.
"We need to talk" Spencer murmured on the blonde's neck.
"Yeah, but we don't have to do it right now" the smaller girl replied.
"No Han, it can't wait"
"Okay…" Hanna eyed her carefully.
Spencer lead her back to her bedroom and sat on the bed, motioning for the blonde to do the same. She turned to face her, but the words she vowed herself to say just didn't want to come out.
"Hey" Hanna, noticing her discomfort, looped an arm through hers and moved her head to let it rest on the brunette's shoulder; "It's me, you can tell me anything. I told you, I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna fight for you. With you"
At those words, Spencer's resolve crumbled and the tears that had pooled in her eyes started to flow freely down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry Han, you mean everything to me and I keep hurting you. I'm so sorry"
"Oh babe, it's oka-"
"No" Spencer interrupted her abruptly. "It's not okay. I screwed up, I let you down. I don't deserve you"
"Spencer, please, listen-"
"I think we should take a break" the brunette whispered in a broken voice.
But Hanna heard her, and the words hit her right in her gut with the force of a wrecking ball.
"What?"
"I… Han, I love you. I do. But I'm a mess, and you deserve so much more than what I have to offer you right now"
"You don't get to tell me what I deserve and what I don't! You're just taking the easy way out, aren't you?" Hanna stood up and began to pace relentlessly back and forth across the room. "No Spencer, this is bullshit and… and just no!"
"Hanna, I harmed you for fuck's sake! I almost… I didn't even realize what I was doing, and then you were down on the floor, and…"
"You didn't do it purposefully" the younger girl objected. "If that was the case, I'd have kicked you already" She tried to do what she always did when things got deadly serious, she was deflecting with humor. They both knew it. "By the way, you still have to tell me who gave you those pills, so I can beat 'em up. Nobody messes with my girl" she chuckled, but Spencer wasn't having it.
"Han" she sighed, "You have to-"
"What? I have to do what?" Hanna raised her voice, visibly pissed now; "Can you understand that all I want is to help you? To stay by your side? Why are you trying to push me away?"
"Because it's better this way! Because I don't want to hurt you anymore" Spencer yelled too.
"You're hurting me right now"
"It's for the best. Look, I thought the whole situation over thoroughly, and there's nothing you can say or do to change my mind. I'm going to rehab, and I won't put you through this. I know it may sound selfish of me, and maybe it is, but I need you to understand where I come from"
"Please, don't do this" Hanna sobbed.
Spencer rushed to her side, wrapping her arms around her waist.
"I love you Han" she kissed her temple softly. "I love you so much. Let me become the person you deserve to have at your side"
"I love you too, Spence. You are that person, why don't you understand it?" Hanna tightened her grip on the taller girl's, afraid and not willing to let her go.
"Right now, I'm not"
Maybe it was the desperation that resonated loudly in Spencer's voice, or maybe it was because, deep down, Hanna also knew that they needed this break; however, she let go of the brunette after kissing her one last time – 'at least for the time being', she told herself.
"Okay" the blonde said. "I will try and be there for you as your friend. You owe me at least that much"
Spencer only nodded. Her voice was lost somewhere between her guts and her throat.
"I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you" Hanna whispered wholeheartedly.
"Never gonna happen, Han"
And the blonde knew she meant it without having to search the sincerity in her eyes.
"Alright. So… I guess I should get going now. See you later?"
She sounded so insecure that Spencer's heart broke into thousands of little pieces. She was dangerously close to take all back and kiss her girl with all the love she had for her.
But that wouldn't do any good, for either of them. She had to remember why she was doing the most difficult thing in her life. So, as hard and painful as it was, she let her go.
"See you later"
A/N: Mmm, this chapter didn't go as I originally planned. I have mixed feelings about the outcome, but I think a breakup was a necessary step in their relationship at some point. Realistically speaking. Anyway, I promise, my "Johnny Cash" mood end here, don't worry.
Once again: thank you for reading.