Liminality
Ch. 4: The War Room
Entering the courtyard, Blackwall helped her from the horse. Cole came up and fidgeted with her cloth, re-wrapping the scarf around her ears and pinning the blankets around her shoulder. Then Ariya gripped her shoulder lightly and steered her into the Main Hall, the only portion of skin visible was a small part of her face. Everyone stopped and starred at the strange image she made, several Orlesian nobles gasping dramatically, before she was led through a door to the left.
A few doors later, and she entered what looked to be the war room. Ariya left her there, and Jo assumed it was to locate and bring the other advisors. Curious, she walked towards the map and saw clusters of placeholders and knives sticking out of various places. She was trying to remember which spaces corresponded with which tasks (it had been a long time), when the door swung open. Spinning, she saw women who looked very much like Morrigan and Cassandra, and who was quickly followed by the rest of Lavellan's advisors. They all looked at her with a strange mixture of suspicion, curiosity, and confusion, and Jo struggled to free her hand from underneath all of the blankets.
They all saw her movements and responded with wary expression. Cullen and Cassandra started to unsheathe their sword, which caused Jo to squeak with apprehension and fear, just as her free hand came into view under the mass of cloth.
They turned to look at Ariya, who was watching Jo with exasperation. "Oh, Jolina."
"What exactly is going on, Inquisitor? Who is she?" Jo saw from her features that the women who asked was Leliana, and although her features were dispassionate, Jo could feel the suspicion. The potential for animosity. It was more than slightly concerning.
Ariya sighed. "Solas found her wandering the Fade with a group of Spirits. Apparently she had been there for some time. He will be here in a few moments to elaborate on her situation."
Morrigan's eyes narrowed. "So she is a spirit?" The witch looked back at Jo with a gaze intense enough to be disconcerting.
"No-" Ariya started, before she was interrupted by a woman wearing elaborate robes and a horned headpiece. She was carrying a staff, her eyes flickered like flint and her lips were painted into a pout. 'Vivienne' Jo thought.
"And yet the Fade clings to her body. Are you collecting more demon children, my dear? Are we to have a hoard of them at our disposal?" the woman spoke as she made her way past the open door imperiously.
Demon children? The thought frightened Jo. She wasn't a demon, was she? She didn't even think she was a spirit. But what if she had died in the ruins? What if this turned into some Sixth Sense twist where she found out that, in reality, she had been dead all along? She looked down at her free hand in concern. It looked real… But then it would, wouldn't it?
Leliana frowned, and then looked at Ariya. "Who, exactly, will be privy to this information?"
Vivienne humphed, and cross her arms with a raised brow. "I heard the commotion and thought to investigate. Why? Is this a closed meeting?"
Amidst her own rising panic, Jo could see Ariya attempt to gain control of the situation. "No, it is not, but Leliana is concerned for security reasons. We have not verified her identity. She could be working for anybody. The less people she comes in contact with the better, until we know any differently". Leliana nodded with approval.
So they did think her a spy? She thought about cages and prisons and medieval torture weapons as her breathing started to escalate. Because she knew they would not be able to verify an identity. She didn't have one in Thedas. And they would hardly believe that she had come from another world… before she knew it she was hyperventilating, and her body temperature seemed to be too much. Jo attempted to pull some of the cloth from her head wrap over her eyes, but Cole had bound it too tightly. Her tangible thoughts spiraled into emotions. Fear. Anxiety. She missed the Fade so much. She wasn't meant to be here. She wasn't-
Jo saw two more people enter the room, and they both came for her. Cole grabbed her free hand and stated knowingly, "You're not a demon. Even if you don't feel real." How did he know, though? How could she tell?
Solas reached up to feel her forehead, and then shot Cole a look of frustration and exasperation. "She has a fever, Cole. She needs to be kept warm, but these are too many blankets." He started to unwrap her, which did nothing to help her panic. Jo didn't realize until he started, but the blankets made her feel insulated. Protected. Now she was getting more exposed, both figuratively and literally, and what was she supposed to do…
Tears started to stream, and Cole started to panic. "No no no. You can't. She doesn't feel safe. Pulled through the rift in a ruin by a black hand, green, bleeding, spiraling, they will never believe her. Not from here, but with glimpses from here. She thinks she will be tortured."
"Tortured? Why?" Solas asked with a furrowed brow, before turning around to look at the people present. His gaze stopped at Ariya. "You said she is to be tortured?"
"No!" Ariya denied vehemently, shaking her head. All of the advisors seemed to be frowning.
"I still see no evidence that she is not a demon. Perhaps banishment would be more apropos?" Vivienne suggested coolly.
Solas responded tersely, the frustration and anger obvious on his face, "Why would you think her a demon? This isn't the first example of someone existing physically in the Fade. We know it to be possible."
"Although unlikely. Our obvious exception aside, which we can all agree was extremely circumstantial to the point of possible divine intervention?"
"She is not a demon!" Cole stated adamantly, still clutching her hand.
"Spoken from the lips of our other resident demon child. And defended by our elven apostate with questionable origins. Hardly sources to be trusted…"
They thought Cole was a demon? But he wasn't. Jo had spent enough time in the Fade to distinguish between the two, even in this plane. Jo could still feel pieces of the Fade cling to Cole, soft whispers that resonated the same vibrations that her encounter with a Spirit of Compassion had, but he was not a demon. And why did Vivienne bring up the fact Solas was elven as if that was a detriment? Jo's hand tightened around the rogue and some of her panic cleared as indignation rose in response.
They were interrupted by another presence by the open door. "Ah, guys? There seem to be a problem?" Jo could recognize Varric just from the crossbow and abundant chest hair.
Ariya looked very much like she had completely lost control of the situation, and Leliana looked as if she would very much like to close the door. Vivienne looked at the Inquisitor with a snide smile. "Might as well invite the entire Inquisition in here at this rate, darling."
Ariya led off of that as if desperate to do something in order to reign everyone in. "Fine. I will be back with Dorian, Sera, Blackwall, and the Iron Bull, since it seems as if everyone wants to include their input. Please manage some civility until I return." She walked quickly out of the room, closing the door behind her, and Varric looked around in confusion.
"What did I miss?" the dwarf asked, zeroing in on Cole's look of distress with concern.
Solas spoke up, scowling. "I found Jolina wandering the Fade a few days ago, and helped her cross into our plane. She was there physically, although she exhibits remarkable control of the space there. She is not-" Solas stopped for a moment to glare poignantly at Vivienne, "-a demon or a spirit."
"Then how do you explain how the Fade clings to her?" Morrigan asked, leaning against the wall with crossed arm.
Solas turned to her with hard eyes. "Wisdom said that she had been traveling in the Fade with her for years. I will admit that this is a peculiar situation, but due to that fact, none of us possess the means to justifiably evaluate and judge her existence. If we would even have a right to do that otherwise."
Morrigan didn't look convinced. "And what was she doing for all of those years in the Fade?"
Cole spoke up, "She just wants to help!"
Jo agreed. That is what she had spent a majority of her time doing in the Fade, after all. Helping gave her purpose, made her feel as if she could be more than herself, so that even if she considered herself worthless, that is not all she would be. Cole seemed to follow that train of thought and looked back at her, obviously stricken.
Varric huffed. "So let me get this straight. Girl appears mysteriously out of the Fade, everyone suspects her intentions, a few plan to lock her up, but she just wants to help people. Now I know I drank a lot last night, but this story sounds familiar."
"This is hardly the same situation, Varric," Cullen spoke up, reaching up to rub the wrinkled between his eyebrows with a sigh.
"You are all making this more complicated than it needs to be." Varric strode up to Jo, and Cole moved to the side, although he didn't let go of her hand. He squeezed in response to the slight hysteria bubbling to the surface in Jo's mind. Now what?
"Your name?" the dwarf asked.
"Jolina," Jo responded.
"Jo," Cole corrected, giving her a meaningful look. Jo frowned at him for a moment, before turning back to Varric.
"Do you intend to hurt anyone?"
Jo's eyes widened as she visibly recoiled. Is that what they thought? "Of course not!"
"Who are you working for?" Varric stopped to cross his arms, and he looked at her solemnly.
"No one?" She couldn't stop her response from sounding like a question.
"Would you like the opportunity to help more people?"
Jo's eyebrows furrowed and she peered down at the dwarf, as if expecting a trick. "Of course?"
Varric instantly beamed. "Well, welcome to the Inquisition!" He stepped forward to pat her back the side opposite of Cole.
"Varric," Cassandra seemed to growl.
"She could be anyone," Leliana maintained, looked at the four of them across the room with disapproval.
"She could be anything," Vivienne corrected with a frown.
The door burst open then, and Ariya came in closely followed by the rest of her companions. Dorian was the first to speak, and it became obvious that the warrior elf had explained Jo's situation on the way to the room. And that they had heard the group's conversation from the other side of the door.
"Well there is an easy solution to determine that, isn't there? We could attempt to bind her. And if it doesn't work, we know she is who she says she is," the mustached man suggested flippantly.
"Of course the Tevinter would immediately suggest blood magic," Vivienne responded with a sneer.
Dorian frowned. "Do you have a better idea?"
"Banishment?" the woman reiterated coolly.
Meanwhile, Jo had started shaking. She took a step and pressed up against Cole's shoulder, seeking comfort. Binding? Blood magic? But what if she wasn't real? What would happen to her? She remembered the corruption of the young man that had taken place in the Fade, and the way the spirits and demons had been distorted crossing the rift. Would she become corrupted too? Could they control her? What would they make her do?
Cole looked down at her in concern from underneath his wide hat. He seemed at a loss for what to do, pressing more firmly against her as he looked towards his apostate friend. "Solas?" he asked anxiously.
The elf frowned. "What is it, Cole?" he asked, stepping next to Varric to get a better look at Jo.
"They're making her forget. She can't remember being real. There's too much in the way, the fear, the helplessness, the… not-knowing."
Cole couldn't stop frowning, and Jo could feel how upset and angry he was. It was her fault wasn't it? Because she couldn't get a grip on herself, and now one of the only people to have defended her since her arrival was hurting. The guilt and self-hate tasted a lot like blood, and it took a few seconds for her to realize she had bitten lips that had been chapped and cracked on her way to Skyhold. She really could do nothing right.
"No!" Cole said looking back at Jo, and the feelings intensified. The blonde rogue tensed in frustration, and his grip on her hand became almost painful.
"Kid?" Varric asked, looking between the two of them cautiously.
"She feels bad for making me upset. But I'm not upset at her. So why does she feel bad?"
They were interrupted by a female elf with choppy blonde hair who had skipped over to the group. Sera? She shoved herself in between Solas and Varric, using Varric's head as a hand rest as she peered into Jo's face. Both men looked at her obviously disgruntled. "Well, she looks creepy," the woman decided loudly, the disgust pulling a frown.
"Really?" Dorian sounded intrigued, and pulled himself forward to look at her face. A single brow raised as he looked back at Ariya, "Why is she wrapped from head to toe in blankets?"
With so many people crowded so close to her face, Jo felt anxiety pull through her in another wave. Hyperventilating, afraid at the flippancy with which they seemed to be deciding her fate, Jo shoved her face into Cole's shoulder. Panicking, she tried to remember. If she was a spirit, she should be able to will herself back in the Fade, right? Or did it not work that way? She tried anyways in desperation, eyes squeezed shut, wishing… When everyone in front of her made noises of protest, she peeked just enough to see Solas standing protectively in front of her and Cole, pointing his staff towards everyone else in the room.
Blackwall spoke up from his position by the door, "If everyone could just calm down now…"
"Nobody will be binding anyone," Solas stated fiercely, his staff still pointed forward.
"So she is a spirit?" Dorian asked, frowning.
"No, she is human," Solas responded, pursing his lips in frustration.
"Then she is a mage?"
Solas faltered at the question, and everyone seemed to be able to tell. "She says she is not."
Vivienne felt the need the speak up again. "I would just like to state the impossibility of what you are suggesting-"
"Solas, put your staff down," Ariya interrupted. The two elves stared at each other intently for a few moments, before Solas complied. "Thank you. Now there is no need to you to stand in front of them, we are hardly going to start practicing blood magic. Why this was even brought up…"
"That's what I would like to know…" Cullen muttered, his hand still on his brow, clearly exasperated.
Solas stepped away from Jo and Cole, staring unhappily at Sera, before Dorian seemed to find an opening. Less than a second passed before he had twirled his own staff, sending a bolt of electricity towards them.
Time seemed to slow as Jo felt Cole tense and try to move in front of her. Solas swung his staff towards the Tevinter mage. Neither moved quickly enough, and in desperation, Jo threw her arms around Cole and tried to will a protection spell. She had never practiced magic outside of the Fade; she had no idea how to go about creating a ward. She had no idea that it would work. But she concentrated on how much she wanted to protect Cole, and remembered Hope, and tried to use that desperation to blot out the doubt and visualize a clear barrier around them that would deflect the bolt.
She heard a zing and a gasp, still tensed for pain, before someone called out, "See! She has already lied! Or were you lying to protect her, elf?"
She looked up from where she was still wrapped around the blonde rogue and saw a barrier shimmering a translucent blue.
"So she's a mage?"
"This still doesn't prove anything. Demons can cast spells…" Morrigan added.
Ariya interrupted, "Solas, I thought you said she wasn't a mage."
A sniff from Vivienne. "Well, she certainly wasn't trained by a circle. Are we to be endorsing rogue mages, Inquisitor? And I agree with the witch. She could still be a demon child."
Solas had turned to look at her, his eyes hard and his lips pursed. "Jolina?"
It was too much. Too much. Much too much. Seeing a barrier come out in the physical world from her will… She hadn't been lying. She couldn't manage more than a couple spells in the Fade, after what felt like weeks of instruction… So why in the world would she consider herself a mage? But what was she supposed to do? She couldn't just let Cole get hurt. What were they going to do to her? And she was still not used to the light and noise, and all of these people speaking at once…. She didn't even know what she looked like. She didn't know what she was capable of. She didn't know if she was alive. The combination of dissociation, fear, and Solas' censure proved to be the tipping point, and she finally tipped over into full hysteria. Sobs came unbidden, and poor Cole bore the brunt of her feelings as her arms tightened around his waist.
The young man in question didn't seem to mind her tears, and shifted the woman in his arms so one arm could more comfortably fit around her shoulders. He then addressed everyone, and if Jo had been more coherent, she would have been curious to see the look on his face.
"Stop. You are all hurting her. Jo is not a liar. Trying, grasping, fingers flexing, but spells don't sit well within her mind, and the mind controls the fingers. Valor and Hope tried to teach her to use magic in the Fade, but she doesn't think of herself as a mage. She doesn't think she can do it. Not well enough to matter."
"No," Dorian sounded indignant "You cannot simply decide to take up magic, as if it were some sort of hobby. You are either born with the ability or you or not. I have never heard anything more ridiculous… As if you could pick up magic simply by being in the Fade."
Solas sounded considering. "Having magic would explain her aptitude as a dreamer, but Dorian is right." There was a pause. "Cole, was she possessed in the Fade?"
"So she is an abomination." Cassandra stated.
"She is not possessed," Cole said firmly.
"I can't help but notice that she isn't speaking up in her own defense. Something to hide?" Leliana interjected. Jo's sobs had quieted, but she made no move to leave Cole's arms.
"You are all confusing her. She doesn't know what to say," Cole stated, upset.
"I already asked the important questions," Varric interceded, and Jo could hear that he had come to stand next to Cole. "You are all just nitpicking about her origins. But what kind of people would we be if we didn't do the same in return? Would you like to start Solas? Vivienne? Leliana? Let's talk about where you came from and all of your experiences leading up to this point, because otherwise, you obviously can't be trusted."
"This is not the same thing. We have all already spoken to Leliana, for the safety of everyone. She can't be excluded from that process," Josephine spoke up in Leliana's defense.
"I must be remembering my start in the Inquisition wrong then. It looks to me like the girl is being interrogated in front of sixteen people right now. A few of which have already called her names and threatened her with blood magic rituals. I know I am the forgetful sort, but I don't remember any of that as part of the process."
Ariya sounded frustrated. "It was not meant to be an interrogation! I just wanted everyone's input on how to move forward!"
Still desperate, upset, afraid, and overwhelmed, Jo had an idea just then. She could die. Or try to die. And if she did die, then she could rejoin the Fade as a spirit. If she was already dead, then she would know she was dead, and would thus be able to move on. She didn't think anyone here would really mind if she was gone- if anything they would be relieved. She felt the emotions present in the room just then; anger, resentment, distrust, confusion, anxiety. She would be helping. The actual act of dying scared her a little bit, but the dissociative block reinforced by the impossibility of her situation helped. After all, who was to say that she was real? And even if this was real, what help could she offer the Inquisition? And wouldn't it be a better alternative than an attempted binding? Or possible torture? Better for her to leave.
It was easy to grab a handle from one of the daggers on Cole's back, and she pulled back from his chest to give herself space to plunge it between her ribs when she was stopped by a frenetic blonde rogue.
"Stop it! What are you doing!"
They all turned to watch her, and everyone drew their weapons when they saw Jo had a dagger in her hand. She wasn't paying attention to them, her face scrunched up in concentration as she attempted to wrangle the blade from Cole's grip.
"Let me-" she started, "No!" Cole interrupted. Jo stopped and looked into his face. "I want this. I would be helping. You would be helping. Just give me the dagger."
"You don't know what you want!" Cole cried out, before pulling the dagger from her grip, cutting her palm in the process. Jo looked at the red bubbling from her palm dispassionately for a few moments, before glaring at Cole. The rogue looked hysteric, guilty, concerned, and confused in equal measures, and turned to his friend to help. "She wants to kill herself! She thinks it will make everyone here happy. That she can go back to the Fade."
"And why is this a bad idea?" Vivienne spoke up from across the room. Cole turned to her and glared.
"You made her feel fake! Troubled and troubling, abandoned and worthless. She can't realize what she is doing if she doesn't think she's real!"
"Why would she think she isn't real? She's here, bleeding, in pain, crying snot all of your sad excuse for a wardrobe…" Dorian suggested sounding snide, although he looked concerned.
"She doesn't feel like her! Back home colored of old pain, red blows and blue thoughts. But inside, thoughtful, caring. A quiet strength. She wants to help, but doing that in the Fade is familiar. She is afraid of everyone here. Your feelings, your self too strong, so her own either flood or whisper," Cole stopped to look at her, one hand still grasping the dagger, the other her wrist. He dropped the dagger with a clatter, and moved his hands to cup both cheeks. Peered into her eyes intently.
"You are real. You would know if you were a spirit. You could feel it. This is not your fault. And I would not be happy if you died," the blonde rogue stated that last bit with feeling.
Jo felt stricken. And afraid. Indignant. Anxious. Sad. She felt like a vessel of sentiments, as if that is all her body was capable of holding at the moment. How can you be so sure? Still, just hearing that calmed some frenzied part of herself, and she felt comfortable leaning into his chest and contemplating her next move.
Ariya sounded tired as she took control of the conversation. "Alright, well I think she can stay, but she should be watched before we can determine who she is. And to make sure she doesn't harm herself." Jo saw the Inquisitor look meaningfully at Cole, Solas, Varric, and Blackwall in turn. Were they to be her keepers then?
She addressed Cole directly. "Cole, do you actually use the room assigned to you in the tavern?"
"I do not need to sleep," he responded.
"Right, well do you mind if she uses that room until we can get everything figured out?"
Cole sounded solemn. "We will be there."
Ariya sighed, just as several members in the group started to verbally protest.
"My dear, I really must object. You could be putting the safety of the entire inquisition in jeopardy-"
"So now there is a boy Creepy thing and a girl Creepy thing? Ugh, why?"
"Don't turn to me when she turns out to be some demon that attacks us in our bed-"
"Why did you ask us here if you weren't going to here everyone's opinion?"
Ariya sounded fierce. "You put me in charge as your leader. I brought everyone here because I can admit that you all possess expertise in areas that I do not, but in the end I am to make the final judgments regarding who is or is not accepted to join our cause. Please respect this." Jo could hear the elf's footsteps as she exited the room.
Jo looked up from Cole's chest to see Varric and Solas standing there. "Come on," the elven apostate said to Cole, gesturing to the two of them. The look he gave her was dispassionate, but Jo could feel the confusion, curiosity, and resentment.
Jo felt strung-out, but apprehension. What now?
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age.
A/N: I would first like to state that suicide is not something I approach lightly. Jolina suffers from a psychological disorder that is expanded on later in the story, which helps to put her in depressive and dissociative funks. As someone who has personally experienced a dissociative episode, I can assure you that thoughts about pain and suicide are skewed in unpredictable ways. But this story is about her personal growth, and about the power of quiet strength, and she needed a starting point.
I would also like to state that one of the main reasons I am posting it now, rather than after I have finished more of the story, is a desperation for feed-back. I am considering changing certain elements of the story (such as whether or not Jolina should be able to manifest any kind of magic), and I would greatly appreciate your thoughts. Regardless, thank you for reading.